Area Man Admits: "Laura Harvey Is Pretty Smart, For A Girl"

Enumclaw, WA - Loudmouth, opinionated dick, and Seattle Reign fan Ricky Farnsworth admitted to a close group of friends today that the head coach and general manager of the Seattle Reign, Laura Harvey, "Is pretty smart, for a girl. She might even be smarter than I am at this NWSL stuff." This breaking news sent shockwaves throughout the small group of friends sitting on Ricky's back patio where they consumed large quantities of beer.

"I've been criticizing her for some time because she doesn't make the moves that I would make" said Farnsworth in a follow up Facebook post that was so long that it had one of those notifications to SEE MORE at the end showing his complete commitment to filling up your timeline with pure bullshit.

"But I can honestly say that after winning the regular season shield title for two straight years and building a roster that can compete top to bottom even while losing players to the Women's World Cup has convinced me that this broad can coach." He then paused to open up a cooler and pull out his seventh Rainier Beer of the evening.

He continued by stating that he became a Reign fan because, according to him, there was "Fit Chicks, Short Shorts, Cheap Tickets, and Beer."

While Farnsworth is clearly not a man who thinks about his words, he never-the-less became slowly convinced by the marching to victory of Harvey all the way to the NWSL playoffs and the shield. "I'm telling you, she knows what to do right now. I mean is it perfect? NO. We still haven't won the championship and I don't know that she possesses the ability to actually win the big one. I mean chicks knowing soccer? Now that's a new one for me. At least for the time being I'll lay off the lady knowing full well that somehow she managed to win all the games she needs, destroyed Portland, and put out a lineup that manages to win. This whole winning shit, shit... makes her at least 20% sexier to me."

When asked about his opinion on Seattle Sounders coach Siki Schmid he told us that he's a "Goddamned godsend and the greatest coach this league has ever seen and the only reason he hasn't been more successful is because of the goddamned refs. Harvey could learn a lot by following his example."

OP/ED: It's DARBY, America #RivalryWeekSponsoredByHeineken

Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News.

WAKE UP, AMERICA

By Graham Rutherford

It's time for your provincial selves to understand the etymology and pronunciation of the words that you use on a daily basis. It isn't Derby, it is pronounced Darby. It isn't soccer, it is pronounced Football.

Every day that goes by I see a thousand horrible usages and butchers spreading around the malfeasance known as American English. This game will not get any bigger until you start using the proper terminology pronounced the right way.

It is important to understand the beginning of the word Derby (editors note: pronounced darby) as it pertains to football. The lads had a kick about after the great war and announced that henceforth and forthwith we would pronounce it Derby as a way to  differentiate between the middle class and the lower class of English society. In this way the lower class could infect the upper class with mispronounced words that would greatly detract from the upper classes ability to enunciate clearly the idea that we are putting forth.

When you Americans pronounce the word DUUUURBY it only adds to the level of upper class elitism that infects the worlds game at a core level. This is making you all right prats. You don't want to be right prats, America. You want to be a lad about town spending your pence and feeling fancy free. You wouldn't piss on a pot of bovril before you handed it out to the lads on a cold night in Stoke, would you? Therefore you wouldn't take away the intricate dance of class warfare that huddles behind the linguistically glorious fires of Glastonbury on a night where we drink our tea and talk of the Queen's address.

This affectation of proper pronunciation will colour your speech in a way that is intricately obvious to the insider outsider of the Isles. We will know that you are a simpleton simply by your incorrect pronunciation. This is about HP Sauce and chips and crisps and having a kick about. Blow me down with your linguistic skills and I wont box your ears.

Therefore (and forthwith) dispense with DUUUUURBY and commence with DARBY! Be a lad, a bloke, a top man and journey with us English into 2000 years of sexual congress with the English language.

Pip, Pip!

Graham Rutherford

Terrible Writer Gets Job Writing About MLS Because He Is English

LONDON - Sports writer and trader of cheap cliches, Graham Rutherford, announced that he has recently been contracted to write about Major League Soccer.

"I'm going into this with the bare minimum of knowledge" said Rutherford to his facebook page on Wednesday. "I plan to start out with features like 'the United States would be better with Promotion and Relegation' and 'why don't American's take the game seriously'. These first few months to a year in the league is what I will call my learning period."

Rutherford said that his extensive knowledge of the Premier League will allow him to cast his own personal opinion on what happens in North America primarily because he has a British Accent.

"Yes, I speak the Queen's English. This allows me to talk about football in a way that is beyond that of a common man from New Jersey. You see, I have the ability to tell you without a trace of irony and pretension that they are playing football at a local derby (editors note: pronounced darby). Because of this ability, I have already been offered the ability to do my own podcast on Fox regarding the MLS and I plan on turning this into my own sideshow of idiocy."

Rutherford said that while he just recently moved from being an Arts critic in Wigan to covering Wigan Athletic for a local blog based out of London, that his extensive general knowledge that comes from simmering in the soup of British soccer helps him understand things that others might overlook.

"After the first year learning period, I plan on covering things like rivalries in MLS such as visiting the Cascadia Derby and the San Jose/LA derby. I'll probably write a 'club I'm going to follow' piece. At the same time I'll be pining for the glory days of watching good players, while simultaneously serenading the pluck of the North American player. Eventually I'll get a gig on television where I mispronounce the names of players before writing sanctimonious pieces on the 'state of the game' in North America using sweeping generalizations. I'm absolutely chuffed for this. Without the United States desperate need for football to be described in a British way, this wouldn't be possible."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

San Francisco Soccer Fan Invests Heavily in West Ham

San Francisco - Bay area resident Alex Rogan has announced his intention to take his support of his English Premier League team, West Ham United FC, to the next level and at the same time restructure his long-term investment strategy. We met with Alex to discuss his intentions.

“I’ve been a huge West Ham fan for a number of years now ever since I saw that IT Crowd episode where Roy pretends to be a huge soccer fan. Hammers forever! Well I’ve decided that I need to step up my support for them as buying scarves and paying ridiculous shipping charges just isn’t going to do it anymore. I need to directly affect their bottom line and help to bring in the best talent possible. The way I see it is that the best way to do this is to support their sponsor, Betway.com.”

Betway.com is an online betting company that provides services to bet on sports and casino games and whose sponsorship deal was the biggest that West Ham has ever had in their history.

“If I want the Hammers to get more money and more talent I’m going to have to support Betway so they’ll stick around as sponsors. Therefore I have decided to go all in and put my money where my heart is. I cashed out my 401k and have been placing bets on all the West Ham games this year.”

West Ham have lost three out of their first four games this season.

“Some will say that I’m down $20,000 in savings, but I don’t really see it that way. I see it as I’m up £12,740 in support for my team. Everyone says that they live or die by their team but how many of them can say that they’ll retire or not retire by their team? That’s support. Hammers forever!”

We contacted the West Ham front office to get their take on this most recent development and the official response was “What a pillock.”

Nutmeg News will continue to report on any future developments.

Freddy Adu Confident That A.C. Milan Isn't Even Close To Balotelli's "Last Chance"

Freddy Adu gave a phone call on Monday morning to Mario Balotelli expressing support after the owner of A.C. Milan said that the potential transfer of Balotelli to Milan would be his "Last Chance".

"Yeah, I just told Mario that it definitely wouldn't be his last chance" said Adu. "I mean there are opportunities everywhere in the world. China, Mongolia, Eastern Timor, Kenya, Sri Lanka, The United States, Brazil, Afghanistan, and Russia are all places where you can play. That doesn't even include Turkey, Canada, Switzerland, I mean there's no amount of small clubs in 2nd and 3rd divisions around the world that will give you a trial and a shot at cracking the starting 11 based on his resume alone."

The one time highly promoted player said that he gave Balotelli some advice on increasing his value even when playing, "You gotta play somewhere off the beaten path and always hint at coming to play in MLS or the NASL and then dismiss it outright. You can get at least one major offer this way and likely a number of different clubs will pay for you in the USL and NASL as well. I mean, if we think about the number of clubs in Qatar alone that would pay for Mario's service, it is staggering. I told him to make sure that you juggle your appearances in leagues that don't broadcast the games of the league you are about to transfer into. For Example: They don't broadcast the Serbian league in the United States and they don't broadcast Major League Soccer in Serbia either. It's a great way of increasing your mystique while ultimately spreading your prodigious abilities across the entire world."

Adu said that when Balotelli runs out of teams that want his service he can always tell everyone that he is considering his options, do a public relations puff piece interview with a faux-journalist about how he has learned from his mistakes and that he is better and more fit than ever now.

Adu stated, "Trust me when I say... there is always a way."

Your Hydration Explained In MLS Kits

You are hydrated. Good. Pee free and strong, my friend.

You are likely not drinking enough water. Didn't your mother tell you to drink more? There is the outside chance that you are at a soccer game and dehydrated from the weather and the $9 beers. If so, drink some water. If the water is also $9 drink out of the tap in the bathroom. Ignore this specific advice if in New Jersey

This is either really good, or really bad. If you see your urine start orange and go clear (like this kit) you may be eating foods that contain caortenoids, such as carrots. Of course if it stays orange you could also have a problem with your liver or bile duct. Did you also check the color of your stools? NOT AT THE URINAL, MAN!

We aren't sure how much diprivan you would have to take to get your urine this blue, but likely if you SEE it this blue you probably took too much. Oh wait, you had jello shots at the tailgate.... didn't you? Yeah, that blue dye, man.... PRETTY RAD!

Congratulations. You likely have a urinary tract infection. I mean, it could also be from food dyes, again, but you didn't have any green jello shots since you stopped visiting that bar that used to sell them because they threatened to start serving tapas and HELL NO you aren't going to accept that in your local bar. Stop the freaking gentrification, people.

You are likely dead. If you aren't dead yet, you likely will be mostly dead soon. Sorry.  The good news is that there's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. Sadly, you are probably not mostly dead. If you are reading this and you ARE dead, please don't hold a grudge.

You better hope you ate a whole shitload of beets recently because the other options aren't entirely pleasant. Although those kidney stones will pass... eventually. Of course you may have also taken a bunch of laxatives, likely because you want to fit into the slimfit versions of these kits. A BIT SNUG.

Your urine COULD be brown because of that antimalarial drug, chloroquine, you took before you headed down to the Amazon on that trip earlier this year to recover the lost scepter of the dead amazon tribe. Slashing through the jungle in waist deep vines you find the golden palace but it is guarded by legions of semi-philanthropic but strictly anti-human anthropomorphic panthers with telepathy. Somewhere deep in the jungle far off in the distance a bird calls and you wonder if this drug will keep you safe from the teeming legions of mosquitoes. 

But it is way more likely that your urine is brown because you decided to put a metric crap-load of fava beans in your four alarm chili during your weekend at Lake Ontario. SPRING BREAK 2015! Or.... you exercised too much recently. Likely the fava beans.

Anonymous MLS Player Admits, "I Had To Poop The Entire Second Half Of The Western Conference Finals"

An anonymous player confirmed to The Nutmeg News that during the recent 2014 MLS Western Conference Finals between the Seattle Sounders and LA Galaxy that, "I had to poop the entire second half of the game."

The anonymous player said, "It happens more often than we like to admit. We are human just like everyone else, and every once in a while we don't realize that we need to go until we get out there. Then it is just 45 minutes of hoping that a slide tackle doesn't result in getting anything moving. It's a constant game, with your bowels, in that case. 

In my particular case I forgot to go and had been drinking my pre-work shakes before the game. It just hit me right as the whistle blew and I knew... I just knew it was going to be a long half. Every long ball, every sprint, every 50/50 challenge was another level of agony as I kept my sphincter under control.

Around the 75th minute we made a change and I was just praying that it was for me so I could go down the tunnel, but the boss kept me on. At this point my colon was a heaving ship, with all men jumping overboard. I just had to put my head down and focus. I will admit that there was a time around the 81st minute when the pressure in my butt was so great that I was creating diamonds and I thought to myself, 'I'll just get sent off. This isn't worth it'. But I stuck with it and was rewarded, in the end. I finished the game out and trotted off the field, no pun intended."

When The Nutmeg News asked if this anonymous player now plans on making a during the half poop a new tradition he responded, "Absolutely. I now go before, during, after, any time I can. It may have been difficult to play with that feeling, but real men poop before they work, not during."

Lesbian Tired Of Explaining Offside Rule To Friends

Seattle, WA - Women's soccer fan Janice Depuy told her friends, "FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF. JUST FREAKING GOOGLE IT," when asked to explain the offside rule in soccer for the 150th time.

"Just because I am an out and proud lesbian, doesn't mean that I am some magical elf showered with lesbian dust that conveys an intimate knowledge of all things soccer. I didn't even like the game that much until recently. I was into Dr Who, Ray Bradbury novels, and knitting until my wife and I really got into the United States women's national team around the World Cup cycle of 2010. But you know what, when soccer started to boom for the women's game in Seattle, I somehow became the fountain head of knowledge regarding women's soccer within my group of friends."

Mrs Depuy said that she spent 30 minutes trying to explain the offside rule at a recent Seattle Reign game to a group of friends that were first time attendees.

"They just didn't get it, and they didn't want to get it. They asked why the linesman kept waving his flag and the play stopped. They just kept asking where Alex Morgan was, where Hope Solo was and when we should leave to line up for autographs. I mean, honestly, I may not be a lifelong fan of the game but I know to stay and watch the whole thing. These people couldn't leave fast enough."

Mrs Depuy said that that this situation extends to even people outside of her friend circle.

"People at work would find that I was talking about my wife and our vacation to Carmel, California and ask what I thought about utilizing a 4-5-1 formation with the possibility of using a withdrawn forward in the next game. I mean, just because I'm a woman married to a woman doesn't automatically convey a wealth of tactical knowledge directly into my head. I think that some people guess that all lesbians attend a school where knowledge of the game is beamed into our head.

...

....

um.... you know that we don't, right?"

The Nutmeg News will have more information on our investigation into this school where lesbians get a complete knowledge of soccer beamed into their heads.

Philadelphia Fan Can't Wait To Be First Year Fan Of 108 Year Old Club

Philadelphia, PA - With the announcement of the Philadelphia Union running a USL team in the Lehigh Valley and the rumor of the team eventually being named Bethlehem Steel FC, Josh Davidson announced that he cannot wait to be a first year fan of the 108 year old club.

"Yeah, I'm totally stoked. 108 years of history, bro. I mean we won more cups than nearly any other team and we haven't even kicked a ball. Everyone is going to know that we come here to dominate when we step on the field in those kits."

While Mr Davidson understands the history behind the Bethlehem Steel FC team that folded in 1930, he is extremely excited to now be a part of it.

"You know, from like... um... those early teams and shit, like there is a long history that extends towards now. I mean it's a defunct history of a team that hasn't been around for 85 years, but now the phoenix has totally been reborn. We are claiming all of that history. I mean sure, even my grandpa never watched Bethlehem Steel play, that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are the holder of five US Open Cup titles and we are nine times league champion. NINE times, we owned all those fools from like, um, Boston or wherever."

Mr Davidson said that his group of friends are planning a tifo display for the first game back as Bethlehem Steel FC.

"Yeah, like I know you aren't supposed to talk about it, but seriously. It's gonna be a big steel logo and a banner that says '108 years of glory' with a picture of Nick Sakeiwicz over the top. Sak is god and he brought and bought the history that was associated with Steel so that we could bask in the glory. 

My club has been around for 108 years, your club isn't worth shit! I can't wait to do 'who are ya' and 'I believe' in the stands! VAMOS BETHELEHEM STEEL FC REBORN!"

Having Done Absolutely Zero In-Depth Research, Reporter Mystified By Protests

Dallas, TX - Reporter and part-time internet blogger David Thornberry boldly stated on twitter that he just didn't understand why fans were protesting in Dallas recently, given that the team was winning. 

"I'll admit, I just don't have a clue what is going on there. I didn't keep abreast of any of the scandals they had, of any of the issues with attendance or really anything else. I just saw a clip that said the fans were frustrated and I think Dallas is doing well? I don't really know. Honestly, I barely have time to watch the games right now as I'm too busy trying to move into my new house."

Thornberry said that he typically thinks of the fans as ill informed malcontents who would do anything to get attention, but he did say that he could see both sides of the issue.

"The fans want, um.... something. I think it's lower prices, or higher prices, or more winning. I don't know, but they want something. So they act like spoiled children and it's up to the Hunt's to sort them out. I mean, honestly, it's only soccer. Despite having based my entire career and living around being mostly dedicated to covering the game, it is my duty to tell you, the fan,  that you are taking everything too seriously and that you shouldn't do the same as me."

Thornberry admitted that he never has had a season ticket to cover FC Dallas or any other MLS team, but he said that this wouldn't impact his viewpoint.

"The fan is merely a customer of the front office. They, the front office, bestow upon us the ability to buy tickets, and then we do. It's a delicate balance that one shouldn't complain about. I mean, if they sell tickets for ... I don't know... like 100 bucks or something, then you pay 100 bucks or you don't go to the game. Fandom is cheap, supporters are even more-so in my opinion. Despite my thousands of followers on twitter and the tens of readers at the newspaper, it isn't in my best interest to be accurate and investigate things. I just like to shoot from the hip, that's what the kids love these days."

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this as it happens in Chicago and Philadelphia.

Alex Morgan Fan Covers Self In Bed Bugs In Solidarity

Albuquerque, NM - Alex Morgan fan Diana Salinas stated, "I want to show Alex Morgan that she isn't alone" before covering herself in bed bugs and laying down in a black mold covered room for 24 hours.

The Nutmeg News asked Ms Salinas why she would do something like this and received the following response. 

"I love Alex. She is the world to me. The. WORLD. I needed to experience what it was like to be in her situation, the bed bugs, the mold, the bad room. I just have to know her and what it is like to be her. She's the best player in the world, the best. One time she favorited a tweet of mine. A TWEET. I put it in my profile. She's amazing.  So I have to cover myself in bed bugs. I just HAVE to. I mean if I put bed bugs on me, she might notice that I'm trying to protest with her as well. I mean, there is no reason to care about anyone else on this story because they aren't Morgan. My friends told me that if I did this that I would be the biggest Alex Morgan superfan. They are all doing it now. It's called the Bed Bug Treatment. It's great. I mean, we all use it now to help us play soccer. Have you ever been covered in Bed Bugs? It makes you great. It's what Morgan uses."

When it was pointed out that Morgan only played 7 games in2015 for the United States and only scored 1 goal, Ms Salinas was verbose.

"Don't you DARE say something against Alex. She didn't score that many goals because she didn't figure out the bed bug treatment early enough, and the coach hates her, and she was injured. "

The Nutmeg News reached out to Alex Morgan for comment and she sent the following statement.

"I love all my fans, all of them. I can't express how blessed I am in life. However, I can't help if some of my fans have attachment problems. If you think it is a problem for you, just imagine having all of them screaming at you all the time. Having said that, please don't cover yourself in bed bugs and mold. Also, all of my obsessive fans know that in order to be my number one fan they need to buy Nationwide auto insurance. Nationwide, its on your side."

Fan Finally Remembers To Check Major League Soccer Fantasy Team

Boston, MA - Revolution fan Danielle Demond finally remembered to check on the status of her Major League Soccer Fantasy team after completely losing interest and checking out after the first month of the season.

"I just remembered that I was actually entered in a league and still technically playing" said Demond. "There was no interaction on my chat board and it looks like 80% of the players in my league are phoning it in. I mean, the only people with updated lineups are the three guys with a chance to win the league. I couldn't even remember my login information anymore. Had to reset the password just to check it out."

While Ms. Demond was struggling to find a reason to check in with her team she said that her problem isn't just a league specific one.

"Fantasy soccer is terribly boring. You set team, you forget about team, a player gets injured, you forget to change the lineup, you don't log in for one week and then suddenly there are 9 games left in the season and you are wondering if you should even look. I'm also signed in for a league sponsored by a popular online blog and out of the hundreds of entries, it looks like 99% of them just don't give a shit anymore. I mean, that's a conservative estimate, but there's a lot of people still starting defenders and midfielders that are injured."

The Nutmeg News asked Ms. Demond if she plans to play next season. 

"Yeah, probably. I mean, I'll get all excited about it with a month to go before the season kicks off, and then I'll remember how bored I got last season, but despite all of my bad feelings from this season... I'll likely sign back up and then forget about it til August again. It's fantasy soccer, I mean... who really cares?"

The Iron Sheik Sets His Sights on Timber Joey

San Jose, CA – After defeating Orlando City’s mascot, Kingston the Lion, ex-WWF superstar The Iron Sheik has issued a challenge to Portland Timbers mascot Timber Joey for the MLS Mascot Championship of the World. We met with The Iron Shiek as he was sitting on the back of San Jose’s mascot ‘Q,’ giving him the Camel Clutch.

“KINGSTON WAS BIG TIME JABRONI! I GO TO ORLANDO AND I CRUSHED HIM. I THREW HIS FACE INTO TURNBUCKLE NOW FLORIDA HAS NEW SCARFACE. THEN I COME DOWN HERE TO SAN JOSE AND I SLAM Q AND CAUSE REAL EARTHQUAKE. THESE TWO ARE JABRONIS AND JOEY IS NEXT!”

The Shiek then body slammed Q and pinned him for a 3 count to win the fight. We then asked him what his motivation was in challenging all of the MLS mascots. “HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT?! IT IS CLEAR! I AM THE LEGEND! THESE MASCOTS ARE NOT THE LEGENDS! PEOPLE TREAT THEM LIKE LEGENDS BUT THEY WILL RESPECT ME! I WILL CRUSH THEM ALL AND BREAK THEM!”

We asked The Sheik why he had such animosity towards Timber Joey and if this was some kind of personal vendetta. “JOEY THINK HE IS BIG MAN CUTTING WOOD WHEN GOALS ARE SCORED! THIS DOES NOT MAKE HIM TOUGH! HE DOESN’T KNOW TOUGH! CHOPPING DOWN TREES IS NOTHING! I WILL TAKE TIMBERS LOG AND RAM IT UP HIS ASS!”

We contacted Timber Joey to get his response and to see if he would prefer to have a traditional or cage match. “I have no idea what The Iron Sheik has to do with soccer. Seriously. Why is he trying to challenge me to a fight? I don’t even wrestle. Why are we talking about this? Are you even a legitimate news organization?”

We met with The Sheik to present him with Timber Joey’s response when he grabbed the microphone from us and began to scream into it. “JOEY YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU CHOP LOGS! YOU POSE FOR SELFIE PHOTOS! I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT TOUGH IS! I WILL SUPLEX YOU AND BREAK YOU OVER GOALPOSTS! YOU WANT THREE POINTS SO I MAKE THREE POINTS OF PAIN IN YOUR SPINE AS I PUT YOU IN CAMEL CLUTCH! I WILL BREAK YOUR LEG! I WILL MAKE YOU RESPECT THE LEGEND!”

We contacted the WWF to get their take on this challenge and were informed that this had nothing to do with wildlife conservation so they had no comment at this time.

The Nutmeg News will keep you posted on any updates.

US Soccer To Expand Pay For Play, "We Gotta Get More Money From These Five Year Olds"

CHICAGO - US Soccer officials announced that they were expanding their Pay For Play initiatives around North America in order to make up a budget shortfall that came from raising expectations.

"We expected that we would be getting buried in cash by now from winning the Gold Cup, but since that whole thing fell apart we decided that we needed a bit more cash." said CEO Dan Flynn. "It's important for us to have more money, because less money wouldn't be good. Without more money we wouldn't have enough money to hire the lawyers to ensure that our development squads don't get paid the money they are due from professional squads overseas as FIFA stipulates."

The expansion of Pay For Play into areas under served by overcharging facilities and sky rocking club costs will not only help the US Soccer Federation but really drive home the realization that this is the only way the system operates to future generations. Sunil Gulati, president of US Soccer had more on this ideal. 

"Well, first thing that the US Soccer Federation must do is that we gotta get more money from these five year old kids. Their parents have money and if they don't they shouldn't be playing soccer. Despite the ability to play this game literally anywhere with nearly any object, we must make sure that our children and their future children understand that Pay For Play is he only way the system works. We don't want to start subsidizing soccer in the US. What are we, communists? These children gotta pull themselves up by their bootstraps and ensure that their parents go into severe financial distress on the outside chance that they can get an NCAA D1 scholarship to play soccer for North Carolina before they tear their ACL and end up serving coffee at Starbucks."

While Pay For Play has long been criticized as ignoring children of talent but without means, Gulati stressed that this shouldn't change.

"You want poor kids playing soccer? No sir. Rich kids or get the hell out of this country."

Mexican-Americans Admit, "We Will Just Reflexively Buy Tickets For Any Crappy Soccer Game"

Representatives of the Mexican-American community released a statement on Thursday detailing some things they felt they needed to clear up.

"We finally admit it. Yes, we will just reflexively buy tickets and turn out for any team playing soccer anywhere whether it is awful play or not."

The Nutmeg News spoke to spokesman Carlos Rosales about this issue.

"Major League Soccer had it right all along, to be honest. We just instinctively turn out for any old game of soccer that professionals or semi-professionals are playing if it is within a 100 mile radius of us. They don't need to be good teams, or interesting teams, or culturally connected teams, or teams that are representative of our city with regards to giving us pride in our community. They just need to exist and boom, ticket sales.

I mean, my dad rooted for Pachuca, and his dad rooted for Pachuca, and his dad rooted for Pachuca; but as soon as I heard about Chivas USA I was fully on board abandoning the entirety of my families tradition of rooting for a club for nearly 110 years for a new branded club that is owned by a team and owner that most fans of teams in the Primera hate. I mean, we are Mexican so naturally we immediately realized that we support the concept of soccer more than just a team and we all just turned out for the club even though they were a dumpster fire of inadequacy. Every Mexican-American in Los Angeles wanted to turn out to a mostly empty stadium with horrible players, terrible play, poor referees and a heavy amount of appropriation and pandering to our social group."

The tequila helps the referees and play in MLS become tolerable.

The Nutmeg News also spoke to Paul Madrigal from Dallas, TX about this unusual trait.

"Absolutely, Carlos is right. We here in Dallas have been showing it all along. After all, every Mexican-American, Latino, and Hispanic family in the Dallas area was just sitting around the television watching Univision and waiting for FC Dallas to arrive. We just needed a team to fill our lives because it is almost impossible that we all had some other futbol team that we were following for the last 40 or 50 years that plays in a league better than Major League Soccer with a more accessible television deal and appropriate language commentary.

Honestly, you could just plop down 11 players in a terrible field on a toll road outside Dallas, and build the stadium facing the wrong direction with no roof so the 110 degree summers bake us and we will be just fine with all this.

Hell, just plop down 11 players and call them Gorditos FC sponsored by Taco Bell and we will turn up. That's what MLS knows. We are just a captive audience waiting to be utilized. Literal walking wallets that bend to wherever a ball is being kicked.

I mean, supporting these teams is a way of connecting to our culture like MLS and Mexican National Team branded tequila, Bud Light Chelada and MLS branded Bimbo bread. That's why everyone I know is excited about Los Angeles FC. It's another soccer team on which we can spend money."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this trend as it happens.

Rec League Roundup: "Hey, I'm going up top."

Rec League Roundup publishes anonymous letters written by players in local recreational soccer leagues.

Hey buddy? I'm going up top. Yep, that's right.

Look, I appreciate that you and I have been playing defense together for the past 15 minutes. I appreciate that we have done a decent enough job stifling the wave of attacks that are coming at us from all angles by this team that is absolutely more fit and more practiced than our team. 

The real truth of the matter is that I'm getting a bit bored.

You see, I didn't want to be a centerback. I didn't join this rec league team two weeks after the season started to sit back here and stop people from running at our poor keeper. I didn't complain and moan about not having the number 9 kit until I made Steven give it up because I just wanted the number. I joined this team because I wanted to play up top and score goals.

Never you mind that I'm not fit enough to run past the defenders that they have. Never mind that I have the touch of an anvil. Never mind that I actually haven't scored a goal since I last played forward during my sophomore year of high-school 15 years ago. That isn't going to stop me.

I'm going up top and there isn't a single thing you can do about it. Not your wild entreaties, nor your arms raised while saying "WHAT THE FUCK, NEAL?!" Not even the fact that the time I decided to just say "screw it" and run for the front of the formation happened at a time when our midfield turned over the ball and now you have roughly 6 guys running at you as the only defender left actually playing defense anymore.

Nope, I'm going up top. I paid my money and I play where I want. Look, this defense shit is for the birds. If you are stupid enough to stay back there and actually try to play competent defense, well that is on you. 

Honestly, we all know that you will have way more fun trying to stop the steaming flood of attackers that will now pepper our keeper with shots and goals that will make him so mad that he starts thinking about quitting in the 75th minute of the game. And when that keeper quits? It's up to you to don the gloves.... Why? Because I'm going UP TOP.

Eredivisie Games On Univision Deportes Push Man To Watch Austrian Bundesliga

Charleston, SC - Soccer fan and blooming trendsetter Joshua Harden revealed to friends that his social safe haven of watching Eredivisie games from terrible web streams at awkward times was over. 

"I thought I had a league all to my own, but then people told me that they were watching ADO Den Haag versus PSV Eindhoven on Univision Deportes and my world caved in. I cannot be a trendsetter if I am watching the same leagues as everyone else. So I dropped my burgeoning interest in PSV and switched over to watching the Österreichische Fußball-Bundesliga, or as you call it the Austrian Bundesliga. At least with that league I know that they aren't being broadcast in the United States."

Harden stated that his friends depend on him to be at the forefront of new cultural ideas and that his ability to intermittently watch games at 4:00 in the morning streamed over websites designed to steal your credit card number is his way of informing people about what is going to be important soon but not now.

"I'm the taste maker, I'm the man who told all my friends about St Pauli and Dortmund before they became bloated sell outs. I'm the man who will tell you now about....." Harden frantically checked Wikipedia... "the evils of Red Bull Salzburg and the difficulties of the fans in the Österreichische Fußball-Bundesliga that you should care about right now."

Mr Harden then became animated talking about his new club that had a great supporters culture, without informing anyone of which club it is because he hasn't actually picked them yet. 

"You will know their name in the next 5 years, I guarantee it. By the time I have moved on to the Fortuna Liga, you will know all about them and what they do."

Fan Swears Recent Love Of Birmingham City Doesn't Come From Repeated Viewings Of Peaky Blinders

Boston, MA - Derrick Colwick has repeatedly insisted that his recent devotion to Birmingham City Football Club has nothing to do with his recent back-to-back viewing marathons of Peaky Blinders. He also points out that his wardrobe addition of a flat cap and weekend activity of attending horse tracks are also completely unrelated.

Honestly, I just love the team and the area. Who wouldn't love Birmingham?

Mr Colwick's friends became concerned when he started slipping into a bizarre accent, even for Boston, and began peppering his dialog with slang phrases from the 1920's. Their fears were confirmed when Mr. Colwick began talking repeatedly about his love of Birmingham.

"No one likes Birmingham City and no one likes to root for Birmingham City." said friend Angela Webster. " Especially some 30 year old man from Boston who grew up watching I Dream Of Genie and pretending to be Major Nelson. This is just bizarre. This is absolutely the fault of his obsession with that show. Ever since he started watching it, he just can't help himself. It's like some kind of sick, twisted personality transplant."

For his part Mr Colwick does not deny his slavish devotion to the British drama. "It's great television. Really makes me feel like one of the lads. I mean who doesn't want to be ARTHUR FUCKING SHELBY. But seriously though, I mean, I just love Birmingham City."

Despite his nascent love of "The Blues", Mr Colwick was unable to name a single player on the squad, although he repeatedly stated, "They play in St Andrews, absolutely. I learned that from the show."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Colwick begins to watch Sherlock for the first time.

Op-Ed: Welfare Clubs Are Ruining The Sport

Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News.

Wake up, soccer people. You are being fleeced and its time you opened up your eyes to what’s really going on in this league.

We are seeing an entire generation of entitlement clubs that are robbing the good, honest, and hard-working clubs out of their money. The self-sufficient clubs are spending their hard-earned money to buy big-named players and these other clubs that haven’t worked hard enough to keep up and are now crying ‘foul’ and are now getting handouts from the MLS to level the playing field at your expense.

The playing field doesn’t need to be leveled. What happens once one of these clubs gets a handout? What do they do next? They ask for more. They ask for trade loopholes. They ask for more free allocation money. They ask for more, more, more. They are dirty, filthy beggars leeching off the system that is only providing them with free handouts of our money.

You don’t see teams like Los Angeles Galaxy having this problem. They work hard, invest their money wisely, and then they have the results to prove it. What does a team like San Jose do? They use this free money to go out and buy someone like Anibal Godoy using my money. No one wants to see Anibal Godoy play. Even if he is good. Admit it, you don't even know who Anibal Godoy is as a player. I could have made up a name and you would have believed that is who they signed, like Freddie Freeloader or Christopher Communist.

Is this Anibal Godoy? Nope. But you probably thought it was til you got to this caption.

It makes me sick! My money shouldn’t be going to these welfare clubs.

Oh sure, nearly everyone thought that the most recent handout improved all teams involved and was a big boost to the league, but it wasn’t. And would you like to know why? I’ll tell you why.  Because now these teams realize that if they continue to do nothing to improve and just simply watch the other teams pass them by with all their hard work, then eventually they will get some more money.

This mindset is going to create an entire generation of welfare clubs.  The current ownership of these layabout clubs realize that they don’t have to work for the money to buy big international signings and then decide that there’s no need to actually work hard. Then when they sell the club or hand it to someone else, the next generation of owners will do the same thing.  You end up with clubs stuck in a cycle where they have their hands out looking for allocation money and the rest of the clubs that actually put in the work end up footing the bill.

This free allocation money, really, is our money. The fans. We’re the ones who are ultimately paying for this. I go to LA games and I put my money down to watch a team that works hard and produces results. That money eventually gets up to the MLS headquarters and goes right down into the hands of welfare clubs.  If anything the money should be going to bigger international friendlies as a way to bolster our leagues defense against other countries leagues who think we are weak and second-tier by showing how strong we are.

So if you find your team not doing well enough to keep up you better just tell your players to lace up their boots and then pick themselves up by them because it’s time for some honest hard work, not just sit around and lollygag and wait for the league dole.

Howard Beale, esq.

Major League Soccer To Unveil Heineken Hooligan Week

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer has announced an expansion to Heineken Rivalry Week for 2016 called Heineken Hooligan Week. The press release is as follows

"Major League Soccer and Heineken invite both you and your firm to show up and bust some heads in and out of the stands during rivalry week.

RFID tags will be given to registered firms with the ability to allow members to identify between petty violence, full scale battles in the street, and beating someone one-on-one.

Hooligans will get points for a variety of challenges such as 'beat a fellow supporter with a food cart sign inside the stadium' and 'evade the cops while filming it happening and tweet about it using an ACAB hashtag without getting thrown out'. 

Firms, casuals, and terrace boys will also have the opportunity to compete in our 2016 Hardest Crew pose off. There will also be scavanger hunts organized that lead to opposing teams banners that you can then steal and not give back.

100 point would be awarded to these Heineken Branded Hooligans who say, stealing is thirsty work, drink Heineken and then steal.

MLS will also have an awards ceremony at the end of the Heineken Hooligan Week for the coveted Heineken Golden Douchebag Award, given to the fans who set the worst example of living humanity possible. Up for consideration in 2015 would have been this group of fans from NYCFC v RBNY. In 2016, this group of Heineken Golden Douchebags could be YOU!

As always, we here at Major League Soccer along with our partner Heineken would like to remind you to consume Heineken and soccer responsibly. To do so we will intentionally try to inflame the idiocy of the common man by conflating their sporting interests with dire pitched battles that will hopefully result in someone leaving the field of battle in front of a Gastro Pub in Newark with blood on their hands. 

Heineken Hooligan Week 2016! We hope it will be a rousing success. 

#WhoAreaYa #HooligansForMLS #ACABroughtToYouByHeineken"

The Nutmeg News reached out to Major League Soccer for comment but were directed to watch a Danny Dyer episode of "The Real Football Hooligans - Midlands Edition".