US Soccer To Expand Pay For Play, "We Gotta Get More Money From These Five Year Olds"

CHICAGO - US Soccer officials announced that they were expanding their Pay For Play initiatives around North America in order to make up a budget shortfall that came from raising expectations.

"We expected that we would be getting buried in cash by now from winning the Gold Cup, but since that whole thing fell apart we decided that we needed a bit more cash." said CEO Dan Flynn. "It's important for us to have more money, because less money wouldn't be good. Without more money we wouldn't have enough money to hire the lawyers to ensure that our development squads don't get paid the money they are due from professional squads overseas as FIFA stipulates."

The expansion of Pay For Play into areas under served by overcharging facilities and sky rocking club costs will not only help the US Soccer Federation but really drive home the realization that this is the only way the system operates to future generations. Sunil Gulati, president of US Soccer had more on this ideal. 

"Well, first thing that the US Soccer Federation must do is that we gotta get more money from these five year old kids. Their parents have money and if they don't they shouldn't be playing soccer. Despite the ability to play this game literally anywhere with nearly any object, we must make sure that our children and their future children understand that Pay For Play is he only way the system works. We don't want to start subsidizing soccer in the US. What are we, communists? These children gotta pull themselves up by their bootstraps and ensure that their parents go into severe financial distress on the outside chance that they can get an NCAA D1 scholarship to play soccer for North Carolina before they tear their ACL and end up serving coffee at Starbucks."

While Pay For Play has long been criticized as ignoring children of talent but without means, Gulati stressed that this shouldn't change.

"You want poor kids playing soccer? No sir. Rich kids or get the hell out of this country."