Rec League Roundup publishes anonymous letters written by players in local recreational soccer leagues.
Hey buddy? I'm going up top. Yep, that's right.
Look, I appreciate that you and I have been playing defense together for the past 15 minutes. I appreciate that we have done a decent enough job stifling the wave of attacks that are coming at us from all angles by this team that is absolutely more fit and more practiced than our team.
The real truth of the matter is that I'm getting a bit bored.
You see, I didn't want to be a centerback. I didn't join this rec league team two weeks after the season started to sit back here and stop people from running at our poor keeper. I didn't complain and moan about not having the number 9 kit until I made Steven give it up because I just wanted the number. I joined this team because I wanted to play up top and score goals.
Never you mind that I'm not fit enough to run past the defenders that they have. Never mind that I have the touch of an anvil. Never mind that I actually haven't scored a goal since I last played forward during my sophomore year of high-school 15 years ago. That isn't going to stop me.
I'm going up top and there isn't a single thing you can do about it. Not your wild entreaties, nor your arms raised while saying "WHAT THE FUCK, NEAL?!" Not even the fact that the time I decided to just say "screw it" and run for the front of the formation happened at a time when our midfield turned over the ball and now you have roughly 6 guys running at you as the only defender left actually playing defense anymore.
Nope, I'm going up top. I paid my money and I play where I want. Look, this defense shit is for the birds. If you are stupid enough to stay back there and actually try to play competent defense, well that is on you.
Honestly, we all know that you will have way more fun trying to stop the steaming flood of attackers that will now pepper our keeper with shots and goals that will make him so mad that he starts thinking about quitting in the 75th minute of the game. And when that keeper quits? It's up to you to don the gloves.... Why? Because I'm going UP TOP.