Win On Saturday Morning Convinces Fan That His Arbitrarily Picked Team Is Better Than Yours

Dayton, OH - New Aston Villa fan Wesley Post was firmly convinced of the superiority of his arbitrarily picked team after they obtained a victory over Bournemouth, a location he didn't even know existed, on the opening weekend of the Premier League.

"I know that Villa is better than Bournemouth. Always has been, always will be. I don't exactly know WHY they are better, but they just are. I don't know a Bournemouth fan, but I assume they are dicks. I mean, this feeling I have right now is exactly why I picked Aston Villa out of the hat before the season began as a team that I would support because I was bored with Baseball and needed something to occupy my time until the National Football League (NFL) comes back on." said a giddy Mr Post. 

"The superiority of Villa can be boiled down to two things. #1 I support them and they are great and #2 They have an American playing for them. These two things mean that they are great and will continue to be great. I'm already planning a tattoo for the time when Aston Villa win whatever the hell competition they are in right now."

While Mr Post's braggadocio could be written down as pure drunken bravado, the same can not be said for the despondent Steven Argus of New Rochelle, New York, a fan who arbitrarily picked Bournemouth as his Premier League team of the season. "I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Clearly Bournemouth are terrible. I'm already trying to figure out if I can just switch over to the Manchester United or the City. No one should support Bournemouth if they aren't going to win every game. I just randomly picked this team because I liked the name. Turns out they are crap. I need something better. I'm going to just fling my loyalty on over to the next big team that wins so I can actually celebrate something for once."

MLS Releases Official Supporters Group Songbook

NEW YORK - Just in time for the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoff push (tm), the front office of MLS has released the official supporters group songbook for immediate use in all stadiums. This release of the codified standard allows all supporters groups to finally get on the same meter at the same time with regards to their songs, and allows for the integration of digital mediums (such as scoreboards and jumbotrons) to ensure that the different supporters groups are all on the same page.

"We are all individuals, so tell us...... WHAT SHOULD WE SING BETWEEN THE 13th and 14th MINUTE?!"

This new songbook includes instructions on not only the song, but the timing of which song thus allowing each group to sing the right song at the right place. An excerpt of the songbook reads as follows,

"For games that kick off at the early hour on Sundays where a scoreboard or jumbotron is not available to direct targeted singing, the following set list is appropriate and approved.

Minute 0 to Minute 10 -- We Love Ya 

Minute 10 to Minute 20 -- Place Name -- Team Name (call and response), brought to you by KIA 

Minute 20 - Minute 30 -- We Love Ya

Minute 30 - Minute 45 -- I Believe, brought to you by Emirates Airlines

For Sunday Games where the home team has a jumbotron or large scoreboard, you will be referred to 'open up the MLS song book to page 156 for the recitation of patriotic MLS themed vows and the singing of Seven Nation Army'

These prompts will be given with as much lead time as possible but please ensure that your group members are paying attention as the jumbotron will make the prompts at appropriate game moments."

The rule book indicates that going off set will be punished by revocation of flags and beer for supporters groups. As well, any use of profanity will result in an immediate ban and mandatory 200 minutes of counseling and therapy with a clinical psychologist.

Mark Abbot, deputy commissioner of Major League Soccer, released the following remarks of the supporters group songbook, "For many groups this will require absolutely no change in their current methodology of singing the exact same songs as everyone else. Some will have to change, but lets be honest... they will cry and moan, but they will cave. That's how the world works. All of these supporters groups will be better when we can finally sell the images of our supporters groups as 'sponsored by Audi' and have them do branded chants for a better vertical integration of our investment portfolio. Just imagine an 'I Believe.... I believe that.... I believe that the new Audi A8 has better room and features than a Mercedes Benz C-class' chant taking off around the South Ward. It's going to be excellent."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Peter Vermes Gets Something For Nothing Completing Peak MLS Trade

Kansas City, KS - The head coach and general manager of Sporting Kansas City, Peter Vermes, decided on Friday to trade absolutely nothing (in the form of a roster spot they weren't using anyway) to Colorado for fake, league issued money (that is untraceable to any outside agency) that Sporting Kansas City can use for a variety of reasons that will never be fully explained completing an utterly baffling trade that only makes sense to the illuminati-esuqe monks that take control of the MLS rule book on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Vermes explained, "We traded a bit of nothing for a bit of something even though we can't explain how much we received or what we plan on doing with it. We are just thankful that Colorado was so desperate for a 6 month paid loan of an international spot that they effectively gave us fake league money for an international right that is going to expire at the end of 2015."

While MLS rules are typically opaque, head clinician of the DOW institute and paid Rand company shill Jeffrey Fandazo said that this particular trade is even more opaque than usual and may lead to the doubt of our own selves.... in the long run.

"One man traded another man the right to own a player from another country for six months for money that doesn't exist that is tracked in a spreadsheet somewhere by a 35 year old intern who ultimately determines if this fake league money is enough to pay for the rights to another player. It is amazing in the madness of it all" said Fandazo in a long diatribe email correspondence with The Nutmeg News

TNN will have more on this as more insane trades of dubious value are made at Colorado's expense.

Bruce Arena To Dan Gargan, "Draw Me Like One Of Your Strikers"

Los Angeles - Bruce Arena has reportedly asked Dan Gargan to paint a nude representation of the head coach after he approved of the Gordon painting that is now hanging in the hallways of The Getty.

No thank you, fifteen is my limit on Schnitzengruben!

Arena was supposedly entranced by the interplay of light and shadow while simultaneously approving of the blurring of Gordon's genitals. 

"A man's package is his own, but the world should see his body, and everyone needs the Bruce." said Arena to a shocked Gargan.

Let the muse take you all the way down to funky town. Wink Wink... Nudge Nudge... Say No More

Gargan said that he hopes to start a new trend of soccer nudes by painting Arena and then Sigi Schmid who has volunteered to take it all off, for art.

"Sigi said that if Bruce's nude body is able to be translated into the ethereal sphere of beauty and fragility while suggesting strength, that he (as well) will pose nude... fully nude" said Gargan to shocked onlookers.

The Nutmeg Nude will have more on this, but we really hope that we will not.

Cosmos Admit Blood Feud With MLS After Gomez Snub

NEW YORK - The New York Cosmos admitted that they have started a blood feud with Major League Soccer after the Major League Soccer reportedly worked a back-room deal to take Herculez Gomez away from the NASL club.

"We sent a message to those guys. 10 of you, 10 of us, bats, chains, and knives... no guns. Behind Lin's Laundromat on 1st. You know where it is. No blows to the face, we gotta work" said Cosmos Director of Fisticuffs, ballyhoo and general pranks Roger O'Flannery.

Reportedly, Don Garber has responded to the challenge by sending back a severed pig head to the Cosmos facility at Hofstra with a note attached saying "Seamus O'Brien sleeps with the fishes, or at least on a sealy posturpedic"

Recent financial disclosures have indicated that Garber and Mark Abbot have invested in training facilities for future fights at their New York office with training having a heavy emphasis on Gracie jiu-jitsu.

"I know at least three different locks that will break a man's arm" said Garber after exiting the downtown Manhattan Major League Soccer fight club. "We are keeping Herc and we are going after Raul next."

Merritt Paulson Promises New And Innovative Ways To Insult Fans

Portland, OR - Tired of using twitter to berate and insult his fanbase, Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson promised that he will expand into new technologies and old technologies to make his insults count.

"It's important to me to be on the forefront of new technology that allows me to tell the people who pay to watch my team play to fuck off and support someone else." said Paulson to a collection of technology enthusiasts on Thursday night.

"In the past I've relied solely on twitter and face to face interactions to belittle, abuse and shame fans of the Timbers that I disagree with. However, what I would like to do is branch out into other mediums. Imagine registering some dissent on a facebook page and then receiving a singing telegram that tells you to fuck off from me. Or possibly sky writing your stupidity over Beaverton about how you know absolutely nothing about soccer and that your voice means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of life. I've also invested money into a collection of drone's with ipad screens on them so that I personally can insult someone in either a pre-recorded message or via skype. This army of drones will allow me to deploy these in stadium to quell any dissent by signs or in game comments as they happen. Now you will know how little your hundreds of dollars season tickets mean to me in live time. Please renew, though."

While the Timbers owner has often been seen as being abrasive to those that offer dissent against his ideas, there are those that consider his methods refreshing. 

"I always thought that he should tell more fans to go to hell" said reporter Jefferson Grant. "I mean, the Timbers fans are awful and should be shamed. Have they ever been given millions of dollars and then purchased a baseball team with the intention of going to Major League Baseball and then realized they had something else better and refocused their attention that way? No? THEN HOW WOULD THEY KNOW HOW TOUGH IT IS TO BUILD SOMETHING. This game is all about getting millions from your dad and watching The Big Green on Netflix to learn tactics."

Will dad allow TARP fund usage on a struggling soccer team?

The Nutmeg News reached out for comment. We were sent a message saying that our site was stupid and we knew nothing about satire.

Woman Admits, "I've Put All My Hope And Frustration Into My English Team After This Awful July"

Wilmington, NC - Wilmington Hammerheads fan Stephanie Rinomato has publicly stated, "I'm officially ready for the premier league season to start" after the Hammerheads 0 win 4 loss 1 draw July came to a close.

"It's time for the mighty Sunderland to kick off so I can live with the hope of a better season than the one I'm currently going through before Sunderland dash it all one month into the season." said Rinomato. "I've put all my hope and frustrations into my English team after this awful July. I mean, it's not getting any better and I'm only surviving as a fan right now with the hope of a brand new English soccer season. Granted, this hope will inevitably be betrayed by this team that I randomly chose after going on a vacation and ending up at a Sunderland game during the 2008 season. But at least momentarily, I have hope again."

Rinomato admits that Sunderland were an odd choice to pick up but she said she wouldn't have it any other way. "The natural condition of being a fan of the Hammerheads and the USL is pain, suffering and being overlooked. This fits in perfectly with Sunderland because they allow me to experience the same frustrating and fleeting hope before dashing it into the ground with a realistic viewpoint of what is truly going to happen in the league. I plan on channeling my angst about Rob Vincent's Riverhounds hat trick on Jermain Defoe's goal scoring form."

While Rinomato is pessimistic about her long term chances at maintaining hope, she said that she hasn't given up completely.

"Well, no. You can't give into depression because that's too easy. We must slog on through those terrible USL July months to get to the premier league and looking for terrible streams while simultaneously making jokes about horse punching jackasses, on twitter. There's a tribal process to grief that makes all of this perfectly acceptable. That might make me a masochist now that I think about it. I really try not to think about it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the collapse of Sunderland's season and the spiraling addiction of Stephanie Rinomato to the game of soccer as the month of September begins. 

American Outlaws Announce Support For Donald Trump

Lincoln, Nebraska – Bruce Ternasky, a representative of the US Men’s National Soccer Team supporter group known as American Outlaws, provided a statement today indicating their group’s intention to provide their support for Donald Trump as he makes a run for the US presidency.  The statement is as follows:

"The American Outlaws want to publicly state how much we support what Donald Trump stands for and that we feel he is the perfect leader for America.

When we heard Trump talking about how Mexicans are getting into our country and are bringing drugs, crime, and are rapists, our hearts swelled with patriotism as we realized that finally someone in a leadership position understood our viewpoints. This message is the same one we’ve been trying to get out to the American public through our songs and banners and now finally the message is starting to get out and up to the higher levels of society.

We have heard Trump talk about women like Rosie O'Donnell saying ‘If I were running The View, I’d fire Rosie. I’d look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers and say, Rosie, you’re fired.’ For so long we have taken abuse for our stance on women, but finally we have some validation and support from on high for our ‘No Fat Chicks’ policy.

All that we stand for finally has a chance to be heard on the debate floor of American.  Finally we have our mouthpiece and he’s got a good shot at becoming president. This truly is the greatest country on God’s Earth.

We, the American Outlaws, stand behind Donald Trump.  Well, technically behind and slightly to the side. No homo.”

TNN will provide further statements when they become available.

DC United Unsure If They Will Go For Two At Six Goals

WASHINGTON - Ben Olsen has admitted that he isn't sure if DC United will just kick the extra point or go for two when they scored a touchdown on Saturday. "After we got to six I realized I had to figure out if we were going to run a trick play or just go for the extra point. I just wanted to play it safe but you never know...." 

United realized they need to warm up Sebastian Jankowski up and decided to waste time til the game was over but they realized there will be a need going forward for a goal line two score goal attempt.

"I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore" said Olsen "10 goals in one game? How bad are our collective defenses?  What freaking sport is this?"

Major League Soccer Announce Emergency Additional TAM For NYCFC Defense

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) executives today had an emergency phone call session during the first five minutes of NYCFC v Montreal to try to figure out a way to fix the NYCFC defense.

 "We got a call from City Financial Group and we are pleased to announce a new additional TAM measure to be used exclusively by NYCFC to pay down their designated players for new defensive designated players," said Don Garber. "It is important for us to keep our major investors happy and City Financial Group is not happy with this defense. It only makes sense to change the rules given that we already have repeatedly done this before for other teams."

While MLS was making these changes for NYCFC, the porous defense let another goal in from a beautiful chip by Piatti. This lead to another annoucement by the front office of the league. "As it turns out (after a scathing phone call 1 minute ago) we have just decided to give NYCFC the ability to sign any four players they want and we will just figure out how to excuse it later. " said Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this defense as it gives up goals.

Orlando City Fan Shits Himself In Stadium To Prove His Dedication To Team

Orlando, FL - “Yes, I shat my pants during stoppage time." said Jeremiah Fillbrett of Kissimmee, Florida. "And you know what? I’d do it again. This is about supporting your team. This is about giving everything for the boys on the field, and you know what.... sometimes that thing you give is shitting yourself for the team. Support means never leaving the stands, even if you have to go."

Reports had been circulating through the Orlando City supporters network that during stoppage time of the home game against Red Bull New York the smell of feces permeated throughout The Wall fan section.  TNN can now exclusively report on the incident as the super-fan made contact and agreed to speak to The Nutmeg News about this display of fan behavior.

“I’d been drinking the previous night and started day drinking around 10:00 am. That’s not entirely different than what I usually do but as we got closer to the stadium I realized I was going to need some food. The only place I could find was a 7-11 so I ducked in and got three of their $1.99 Bacon-Wrapped Big Bite© Hot Dogs.” Jeremiah paused and lowered his head and covered his face with his hands, “I actually dumped on cheese from the nacho dispenser to the top of each one. Jesus, what was I thinking?”

“I knew by the half that I was in trouble and was going to have to find some time to drop the kids off at the pool but I couldn’t leave my team. They needed my voice, they needed everyone’s voice. Real fans fight through anything to root for their team. Anything. That includes rooting through what could only be described as giving birth to the Anti-Christ anally. There were four minutes of the game left and by that time it was too late.  I knew there was only one way forward and that way was not to the bathroom. So I shit myself for the team. I shit myself for the glory of Orlando City. Nothing says 'Ultra' like a man shitting himself for the team. Especially given that we were losing in that game. Good result or bad, tough schedule, bad weather, having to poop, none of that matters.... we will stand there supporting, dancing, singing no matter what. If God wants me to shit myself to prove my love for Orlando City, I'll do it. That's all that matters."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Fillbrett if he planned on making this a regular occurrence in the stadium.

"Well, they didn't win. But I'll do anything for Orlando City. Anything."

Man Shocked To Find Out Players Are Human

Kansas City, MO - A quick trip down the freeway was all that Major League Soccer fan Corigan Singh needed to have his world turned inside out as he saw a Sporting Kansas City player having car difficulties on the side of the road.

"They have problems with their car just like me" exclaimed Singh as he flew by without stopping to help. 

"Next thing you are going to try to tell me is that players also have human emotions and families that give them grief when they try to sleep in on Sundays."

Singh said that while he hadn't considered that the players he watches every weekend are human, that his new development in his world view may change the way that he lobs obscenities towards them on the field.

"Clearly if they are human beings than they might also make mistakes and have bad days at their job just like we all do except for my third cousin Dale who is just so damn perfect all the time. Did my mother tell you that he just put in an above ground pool? What an asshole. Any way, I will probably stop using so many personal insults towards our players when they mess up and instead just focus on insulting the team dynamic as a whole under my breath."

While Mr Singh says that this information may change the way that he deals with the idea of players that play for Sporting Kansas City, that this new paradigm of human players won't change his viewpoint of referees anytime soon.

"They are just here to screw my team out of three points. Bastards."

That Announcer Is Going To Keep Saying "Offsides" Just To Piss You Off

That announcer you hate? Yeah, that guy. Well he isn't going to stop, no sir, until you are positively foaming at the mouth with hatred over his incorrect usage of the term "offsides". He knows that the correct word is offside, you know it is offside, your mother knows it is offside; but I'll tell you what.... he doesn't care. ".... and he pulls up offsides again" will continue blaring out of the television with rapid abuse.

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to him about this delicate situation and here is what he has to say when we interviewed him at that one spot that you saw him last year where he looked a bit pissed, "Yep, I'm going to continue to say offsides even though we all know that this isn't a word. I'm doing it to annoy you and all those precious viewers that like correct terminology and words used appropriately. Not only am I going to continue using it, but I'm going to find ways to work it in from a different viewpoint so that your second half is going to be one long diatribe from me on offsides, offsides, offsides. I might even talk about players 'being offsides on a throw-in' just to annoy you even though we both know this is impossible."

Despite all of this information in advance, The Nutmeg News knows that none of this will deter you from watching terrible youtube streams of US Open Cup games and NWSL and MLS games where the host continues to abuse the English language and the very basic spelling and existence of the words used to describe a very simple concept. After all, this announcer you hate? He lives his life offsides.

NYCFC Supporters Hang From Rafters In Protest

New York City – Inspired by the protests taking place in Portland, Oregon where demonstrators have hooked up rigging to hang in front of ships trying to leave port, NYCFC supporters have lowered themselves down from the scoreboard on the east end of Yankee stadium. We met with Stephen Wills, the organizer of the protest.

“We’re tired of not having our own stadium devoted entirely to soccer,” says Stephen, “that’s something that’s supposed to be one of the prerequisites to having an MLS team. We’re tired of sharing a stadium with a baseball team and we are going to remain here until our demands are met and we are given a place of our own, or we run out of vacation time. Whichever comes first.”

Their first chance to show their discontent with the current stadium came during a recent NYCFC game. “We were up here for the whole game yelling protest chants but we didn’t really think ahead as the supporter’s chants drowned our voices out. We also didn’t really think about our placement in the stadium because the game was able to continue on underneath us as we just looked on. But hey, we’re up here making a statement and it’s only a matter of time until the ownership pays attention.”

Steven was then asked about the state of their morale and how long they plan to continue this protest. “When we started there were three of us but we’re down to two because the Yankees played the other day and Mitch took a home run right to the nuts. He started coughing up blood and decided to call it quits. But Pete and I? We’re here until our demands are met or soccer and baseball seasons end and no one shows up anymore.”

TNN will keep you up to date with further developments.

Success Of MLS All Star Game Shows Potential Of Denver For MLS Expansion

Denver, CO - "The success of the Major League Soccer All Star Game in Denver shows that the City is ready for a possible expansion bid," said Don Garber on Wednesday evening.

Garber continued with his comments on expansion during the half-time show of the game that featured the MLS All-Star team against Tottenham Hotspur,

"Denver is a market that we have wanted to capture for some time and with their passionate fan base we could only imagine how fantastic it would be to have them in our portfolio of teams. We think that a downtown stadium with lightrail service and an integration into the downtown core would build a fantastic fan base that would be the envy of North America."

Garber wouldn't say if he specifically had an ownership group in mind for the expansion to the Mile High City, but he did say that he hoped to create inroads into the businesses that call Denver home. 

"We already have had conversations with Apex Silver Mines and Modern Drunkard Magazine about a potential corporate sponsorship of the team. The opportunity to really connect with the corporate sector is there. We have also started a workshop for the name of the team, with suggestions coming in that it should be something that represents the location, the region and the fanbase as a whole. Even United Airlines is talking about having a plane dressed in the new team livery as they currently don't have a team to support at their headquarters in Chicago. We hope that this Denver team will be a flagship for Major League Soccer in the future."

Blogger Can't Figure Out How To Monetize His Popularity

New England Revolution blogger Christopher Jenkins has hit the height of internet fame with over 1,500 followers on twitter, he frequently talks to the front office of the Revolution, and is followed by national journalists; and yet Jenkins admits that he has no idea how to monetize his career after giving away his content for free for the last seven years.

I don't know...... how the hell does anyone make money? Maybe Patreon?

"I kinda figured that after I hit it big there would be options," said a despondent Jenkins. "Yet it seems like everyone is willing to hire me to write but no one is willing to pay me to write." 

While Jenkins has become a source for information from local fans on the Revolution as well as covering the Boston Breakers and the United States National Teams, he has also amassed an unusual number of detractors.

"Well, I'm accused of being in the pocket of the front office. To a certain extent that is true. I mean, I'm not going to get information by being a dick to them so I'm just going to continue taking the abuse from the fans and continue getting information sent to me by email and DM. The best way I can continue to grow my online profile is to be the first provider of  breaking information and insider knowledge. I don't really care whether that information is true, false or if that information is given to me by the front office or something that I shamelessly lifted from another rumor twitter account."

While Jenkins may be a repository for all the information that the front office of the Revolution wants to dump, he still is struggling to find a way forward, financially, from where he is now. 

"I'm hoping that I can get a job writing game recaps for the front office, or a beat position for Major League Soccer. I can't even begin to understand how I'm going to carve a career out of this. I have no equity in my work other than my followers on twitter and the only thing that serves is the rampant masturbation of my ego. Otherwise whether 1500 or 15000 I'm still working as an equipment manager at the fitness center 30 minutes away from my home."

While Jenkins is despondent about blogging, he does have one idea about how to go forward, "Maybe if I self publish a book on the Revolution, that'll make me some money. All I need to do is collect 40 or 50 thousands dollars from my fan-base through kickstarter. Then I can just sit back and watch the money come in."

Fantasy Football Season Begins

Billings, MT – With only one hour left in his workday, Paul Martins of Billings Montana was in a race against time to get his EPL Fantasy Football team updated for the new season before he has to go home for the day. TNN immediately dispatched field reporter Adam Clark to get a play by play account of the exciting development.

Clark: “Paul our readers are anxious to know what exactly your strategy is today as you rebuild your team for 2015. What do we have to look forward to in the next hour?”

Martins: “Well I’m not really sure. I guess I’m just mostly trying to find something to help fill the endless mundane wasteland of time that is 4:00 to 5:00.”

Clark: “Absolutely riveting stuff, Paul. What drove you to attempt a monumental task like this with a one hour time limit? Why restrict yourself with a sharp deadline like this?”

Martins: “Rick from accounting sent out an email a little bit ago saying that the new Fantasy Football season was starting up and that the winner gets a free lunch at “Chuck’s BBQ Shack.” Rick’s a big soccer fan and I’m into baseball but a free lunch is a free lunch. I just got done filling out some reports when I saw his email so I figured I’d go create a team.”

Clark: “Fascinating strategy. So what lessons did you learn from last year’s team design? What worked well? What changes do you see yourself implementing this year?”

Martins: “Well the first change I made was my password. I couldn’t remember what I used last year. I think I signed up last July and maybe checked it a couple times in August and then just forgot about it.  As to what player’s I’m choosing I was looking for David Beckham but I guess they forgot him or something. So I just started clicking people at the top until I ran out of money and then I just clicked anywhere.”

Clark: “We don’t want to use up anymore of your valuable team design time so I just have one last question, who do you think is going to be your biggest opponent this year? Who’s going to give you the most difficulty going forward as your team strives to climb the ranks?

Martins: “Probably Becky over in Human Resources. I think she goes by ‘Go_Grizzlies’ on the fantasy site. She won last year but I think it’s because she has her son build her team for her. He knows more about this stuff then any of us. It’s kind of cheating but Becky’s a real nice girl so I don’t mind losing to her.

Clark: “Paul, thank you so much for your time. Good luck this year!”

Martins: “Alright, then.”

Old Man Remembers When MLS ASG Meant Something, Back In 2014

Denver, CO - With Tottenham Hotspur manager Mauricio Pochettino guaranteeing that he will shake Pablo Mastroeni's hand (provided that Mastroeni hasn't been fired by then) during the All Star Game, resident crank Drew McGary fondly remember when the Major League soccer All Star Game meant something.

"Back in 2014, we didn't shake each others hands and no one wanted to lose." said McGary from his barstool at the British Bulldog. "Now adays you kids and your handshakes and kit exchanges and takin selfies with the opposing teammates, its an embarrassment." 

McGary, of course, is referencing the dramatic turn from the 2014 where a visibly upset Pep Guardiola shattered Caleb Porters heart into a million pieces when Porter attempted to just a get a chance to touch his gold plaited god.

"And stop dressing like me too!"

While some may say that McGary is having nostalgia for a time that doesn't actually represent the feeling at the time, he begs to differ. "Don't let people tell you that they didn't care. Why you could walk down any main street and watch the match on the high definition televisions that they sold in the windows of Montgomery Wards. Why everyone knows where they were when Guardiola snubbed Porter. I'll tell you there was talk of war afterwards. Now this guaranteed handshake mistake will guide us into the world of selfie sticks and having your children not playing outside. It's terrible I tells ya!"

With Deadline In 5 Minutes And No Ideas, Writer Pumps Out "How Good Would The US Be If NFL/NBA Stars Played Soccer" Article

Bleacher Report, Internet - With a deadline in five minutes and absolutely no creative ideas what-so-ever Dan Carson and Bleacher Report realized that they needed to dump some more crap out on the web and proceeded to poop out a "How Good Would The USA Be If Other Athletes Played Soccer" article, which was just dusted off from their earlier "How Good Would Danica Patrick Be If She Was A Porn Star" article.

In This Photo: More work spent on the photoshop of players faces than the actual idea behind the article

Carson was quoted as saying, "Yeah, we all know this article is a pile of shit, and bleacher report is, by and large, a pile of shit; however I didn't have any ideas left in the tank and it has been a few months since someone wrote down this stupid thought exercise of nfl/nba/mlb players to soccer."

Carson remained unapologetic about the methodology that required him to submit this dreck to the internet, "I don't think people understand how hard it is to come up with a 'Signs Your Coach Might Not Make It Through Season' or a 'Times Kobe Shut Down Social Media' or a 'The Most Criticized Sports Stars of the 2000s' article. It's tough work. We take lists of things that take us a few minutes of thought and  try to connect them through a clickbait article that makes you think it is actual journalism. It's not easy and if you excuse me, I have to finish my '100 ways Lebron James might actually be a leprechaun' article. It is due in 2 minutes."

Man Can't Figure Out Liga MX Loyalty

Minneapolis, MN - Soccer fan Garrett Johannson cannot figure out if he is a Pumas or a Tigres fan after deciding to throw his lot in with a team from Liga MX as a fan.

"I'm having a hard time gleaning all the necessary facts from wikipedia to establish a viable connection to the city beyond the broad scopes of soccer" said Johannson. "I mean I like tigers, but I also like cougars. I do, however, dislike Notre Dame and that connection to Pumas pushes me towards Tigres. However, Tigres also has a chance to win the Copa Libertadores which means I would be coming on as a bandwagon fan. Then again... I knew them before they won the Copa, so that would be good. They also have a chance at losing and nothing cements a bond like a team with heartbreak. Look either way we cut this I like burritos, so I'm trying to figure out which location makes the best burrito that I could eat outside the stadium."

Johannson decided to throw his lot in with two teams after getting perpetually frustrated with the clownshoes organizations that run soccer in North America. "Yeah, I just can't bring myself to root for a league instead of a team and that's basically MLS. Minnesota United are possibly going there soon, which means that the club closest to me is about to turn from a club to a subway franchise pumping out fresh meat. So I might as well start fresh and clean with a team from a city I know nothing about with a fanbase that I know nothing about with a language that I don't speak."

Johannson said that while winning is a priority, that he would almost certainly rather visit Mexico City than the area surrounding Monterrey which is another deterrent in his search for a club. "I'm basing this purely on google image searches, but I'd rather explore the craziness of Mexico City based on about 2 minutes worth of research."

While Johannson doesn't speak Spanish at all, he doesn't find this a deterrent to his shifting fanhood. "I speak English perfectly and yet I frequently don't want to hear what our commentators have to say in the United States. So I'll just learn to roll with the punches, watch a bunch of Destino repeats on PBS and figure it all out as I go. Vamos Pumas! Pumas til I Die.... wait... Do they say that?"