Your Hydration Explained In MLS Kits

You are hydrated. Good. Pee free and strong, my friend.

You are hydrated. Good. Pee free and strong, my friend.

You are likely not drinking enough water. Didn't your mother tell you to drink more? There is the outside chance that you are at a soccer game and dehydrated from the weather and the $9 beers. If so, drink some water. If the water is also $9 drink out of the tap in the bathroom. Ignore this specific advice if in New Jersey

You are likely not drinking enough water. Didn't your mother tell you to drink more? There is the outside chance that you are at a soccer game and dehydrated from the weather and the $9 beers. If so, drink some water. If the water is also $9 drink out of the tap in the bathroom. Ignore this specific advice if in New Jersey

This is either really good, or really bad. If you see your urine start orange and go clear (like this kit) you may be eating foods that contain caortenoids, such as carrots. Of course if it stays orange you could also have a problem with your liver or bile duct. Did you also check the color of your stools? NOT AT THE URINAL, MAN!

This is either really good, or really bad. If you see your urine start orange and go clear (like this kit) you may be eating foods that contain caortenoids, such as carrots. Of course if it stays orange you could also have a problem with your liver or bile duct. Did you also check the color of your stools? NOT AT THE URINAL, MAN!

We aren't sure how much diprivan you would have to take to get your urine this blue, but likely if you SEE it this blue you probably took too much. Oh wait, you had jello shots at the tailgate.... didn't you? Yeah, that blue dye, man.... PRETTY RAD!

We aren't sure how much diprivan you would have to take to get your urine this blue, but likely if you SEE it this blue you probably took too much. Oh wait, you had jello shots at the tailgate.... didn't you? Yeah, that blue dye, man.... PRETTY RAD!

Congratulations. You likely have a urinary tract infection. I mean, it could also be from food dyes, again, but you didn't have any green jello shots since you stopped visiting that bar that used to sell them because they threatened to start serving tapas and HELL NO you aren't going to accept that in your local bar. Stop the freaking gentrification, people.

Congratulations. You likely have a urinary tract infection. I mean, it could also be from food dyes, again, but you didn't have any green jello shots since you stopped visiting that bar that used to sell them because they threatened to start serving tapas and HELL NO you aren't going to accept that in your local bar. Stop the freaking gentrification, people.

You are likely dead. If you aren't dead yet, you likely will be mostly dead soon. Sorry.  The good news is that there's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. Sadly, you are probably not mostly dead. If you are reading this and you ARE dead, please don't hold a grudge.

You are likely dead. If you aren't dead yet, you likely will be mostly dead soon. Sorry.  The good news is that there's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. Sadly, you are probably not mostly dead. If you are reading this and you ARE dead, please don't hold a grudge.

You better hope you ate a whole shitload of beets recently because the other options aren't entirely pleasant. Although those kidney stones will pass... eventually. Of course you may have also taken a bunch of laxatives, likely because you want to fit into the slimfit versions of these kits. A BIT SNUG.

You better hope you ate a whole shitload of beets recently because the other options aren't entirely pleasant. Although those kidney stones will pass... eventually. Of course you may have also taken a bunch of laxatives, likely because you want to fit into the slimfit versions of these kits. A BIT SNUG.

Your urine COULD be brown because of that antimalarial drug, chloroquine, you took before you headed down to the Amazon on that trip earlier this year to recover the lost scepter of the dead amazon tribe. Slashing through the jungle in waist deep vines you find the golden palace but it is guarded by legions of semi-philanthropic but strictly anti-human anthropomorphic panthers with telepathy. Somewhere deep in the jungle far off in the distance a bird calls and you wonder if this drug will keep you safe from the teeming legions of mosquitoes.  But it is way more likely that your urine is brown because you decided to put a metric crap-load of fava beans in your four alarm chili during your weekend at Lake Ontario. SPRING BREAK 2015! Or.... you exercised too much recently. Likely the fava beans.

Your urine COULD be brown because of that antimalarial drug, chloroquine, you took before you headed down to the Amazon on that trip earlier this year to recover the lost scepter of the dead amazon tribe. Slashing through the jungle in waist deep vines you find the golden palace but it is guarded by legions of semi-philanthropic but strictly anti-human anthropomorphic panthers with telepathy. Somewhere deep in the jungle far off in the distance a bird calls and you wonder if this drug will keep you safe from the teeming legions of mosquitoes. 

But it is way more likely that your urine is brown because you decided to put a metric crap-load of fava beans in your four alarm chili during your weekend at Lake Ontario. SPRING BREAK 2015! Or.... you exercised too much recently. Likely the fava beans.