LONDON - Sports writer and trader of cheap cliches, Graham Rutherford, announced that he has recently been contracted to write about Major League Soccer.
"I'm going into this with the bare minimum of knowledge" said Rutherford to his facebook page on Wednesday. "I plan to start out with features like 'the United States would be better with Promotion and Relegation' and 'why don't American's take the game seriously'. These first few months to a year in the league is what I will call my learning period."
Rutherford said that his extensive knowledge of the Premier League will allow him to cast his own personal opinion on what happens in North America primarily because he has a British Accent.
"Yes, I speak the Queen's English. This allows me to talk about football in a way that is beyond that of a common man from New Jersey. You see, I have the ability to tell you without a trace of irony and pretension that they are playing football at a local derby (editors note: pronounced darby). Because of this ability, I have already been offered the ability to do my own podcast on Fox regarding the MLS and I plan on turning this into my own sideshow of idiocy."
Rutherford said that while he just recently moved from being an Arts critic in Wigan to covering Wigan Athletic for a local blog based out of London, that his extensive general knowledge that comes from simmering in the soup of British soccer helps him understand things that others might overlook.
"After the first year learning period, I plan on covering things like rivalries in MLS such as visiting the Cascadia Derby and the San Jose/LA derby. I'll probably write a 'club I'm going to follow' piece. At the same time I'll be pining for the glory days of watching good players, while simultaneously serenading the pluck of the North American player. Eventually I'll get a gig on television where I mispronounce the names of players before writing sanctimonious pieces on the 'state of the game' in North America using sweeping generalizations. I'm absolutely chuffed for this. Without the United States desperate need for football to be described in a British way, this wouldn't be possible."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.