Seattle, WA - Women's soccer fan Janice Depuy told her friends, "FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF. JUST FREAKING GOOGLE IT," when asked to explain the offside rule in soccer for the 150th time.
"Just because I am an out and proud lesbian, doesn't mean that I am some magical elf showered with lesbian dust that conveys an intimate knowledge of all things soccer. I didn't even like the game that much until recently. I was into Dr Who, Ray Bradbury novels, and knitting until my wife and I really got into the United States women's national team around the World Cup cycle of 2010. But you know what, when soccer started to boom for the women's game in Seattle, I somehow became the fountain head of knowledge regarding women's soccer within my group of friends."
Mrs Depuy said that she spent 30 minutes trying to explain the offside rule at a recent Seattle Reign game to a group of friends that were first time attendees.
"They just didn't get it, and they didn't want to get it. They asked why the linesman kept waving his flag and the play stopped. They just kept asking where Alex Morgan was, where Hope Solo was and when we should leave to line up for autographs. I mean, honestly, I may not be a lifelong fan of the game but I know to stay and watch the whole thing. These people couldn't leave fast enough."
Mrs Depuy said that that this situation extends to even people outside of her friend circle.
"People at work would find that I was talking about my wife and our vacation to Carmel, California and ask what I thought about utilizing a 4-5-1 formation with the possibility of using a withdrawn forward in the next game. I mean, just because I'm a woman married to a woman doesn't automatically convey a wealth of tactical knowledge directly into my head. I think that some people guess that all lesbians attend a school where knowledge of the game is beamed into our head.
um.... you know that we don't, right?"
The Nutmeg News will have more information on our investigation into this school where lesbians get a complete knowledge of soccer beamed into their heads.