US Soccer Announces New HR Hotline For Reporting Co-Workers That Have Complaints

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced a new Human Resources initiative and hotline that will help employees within the federation report other employees who seem to have complaints about the way the federation is run.

According to Federation insiders, HR took down the successories posters and replaced them with these.

According to Federation insiders, HR took down the successories posters and replaced them with these.

In a memorandum to employees that was leaked to The Nutmeg News, the USSF indicated that their new Federation Cares initiative will allow employees to take complaints about complainers directly to Human Resources and the upper administrators of US Soccer.

“At US Soccer, we believe in providing a space free from harassment and online bullying of the federation. With our new Federation Cares initiative, this will allow YOU to safeguard the stability and longevity of the Federation by ensuring that all the employees with the Federation are positively collaborating in Workplace Activation to further the stability, longevity, and financial growth of the current and future administrations of the Federation,” stated the memorandum.

“Remember, employees, if you see something, say something. If you see Glassdoor open, see a personal email regarding workplace complaints, overhear a conversation that seems to reflect poorly on the Federation, or find out that employees are discussing pay or working hours then you can simply report these inside agitators to Human Resources who will work with our new counseling staff to gently reprogram these dissidents into fully productive members of the Federation. The Federation Cares initiative is directly connected to our Q4 financial goals and will directly impact our employee workplace satisfaction surveys that we will be performing prior to our Quarterly Employee Review process. Please remember the Refer A Friend program still applies to this initiative. There will be a bonus of $250 for each person you refer to Federation Cares that results in a positive Federation Cares reassignment.”

The Nutmeg News was able to speak an anonymous US Soccer employee who stated that he skimmed the email memorandum as he was already scheduled for a two meetings around the timing of the email.

“I’m happy that it appears that HR is finally listening to our complaints. I plan on letting them know a few of mine and hopefully they will take steps to make this a better workplace.”

We were unable to reach this employee for comment after our original email exchange.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer requires all permanent employees to meet in the Berhalter conference room for a two hour Human Resources seminar at 4:00 pm on “Safeguarding Our Information: Protecting The Company 101.”

Supporter Certain He Knows Exactly What Player Is Really Like From The 78 Minutes He Watches Of Him Once A Year

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake supporter Jeff Williams stated that he definitively knows exactly what kind of person Orlando City player Dom Dwyer is in his private life based upon the 78 minutes that he watches of Dwyer once a year.

Uh Oh, we used a picture where he is smiling. Someone find a picture where he is frowning to fit this profile!

Uh Oh, we used a picture where he is smiling. Someone find a picture where he is frowning to fit this profile!

“I tell you that you can know the character of a man by watching him for roughly 70 to 90 minutes once or twice a year,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I bet he punches puppies, kicks cats, and hunts harp seals with a club.”

Williams reportedly developed a one-sided problem with Dwyer over the past few years due to the way he perceives that Dwyer plays as he stated, “I cant stand him as a human being and a player. I don’t understand how anyone can love him. I bet he puts ketchup on hot dogs.”

Friends state that Williams is correct as they reportedly gushed at how much their hate of Dwyer extends into completely irrational areas.

“Jeff is right, you know,” stated RSL fan Damien Hernandez. “Dom Diver can’t be a good guy. Look at the way he plays. I bet he is on drugs all the time or something, but not the good kind of drugs.”

Despite all of this Dwyer continues to live out the rest of his life away from the peering eyes of Williams as he responded with a, “who?” when asked about the import of Williams opinion on his life.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a devastated Dwyer has a very boring lunch and checks on the weather.

Orlando Pride Supporter Getting Tattoo Hopes That It Won't Eventually Be A Reminder Of A Defunct League

Orlando, FL - Orlando Pride fan Theresa Sanchez stated that she hoped the new tattoo she was receiving that displayed her passion for the local NWSL side wouldn’t eventually turn into a reminder of the nature of another poorly run and defunct women’s soccer league.

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“I understand the danger of getting something that would rep a team that may not exist in a few years,” stated Sanchez to The Nutmeg News. “However, I know that my passion for Orlando and the Pride isn’t going anywhere even if the league collapses because the executives that supposedly are in charge don’t know what they are doing..”

According to friends, Sanchez decided to go ahead with the piece on her leg despite their warnings of seeing multiple women’s leagues in the United States fail.

“She said that she didn’t care,” stated good friend Paula Gutierrez. “She said that if it failed that she would try to choose to remember the good times she had with everyone rather than the horribly inept league executives..”

However, despite this bravado, Sanchez admitted her doubts saying, “I know this is a dangerous proposition because I know someone that almost got an FC Kansas City tattoo.I truly believe that If I love my team, then I love this tattoo no matter what. Worst case scenario I end up doing a cover-up with something Prince/Purple themed.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez hopes that the recent World Cup will draw attention to the league.

Camping Equipment Shoved In Corner Of Room A Constant Reminder Of Life Before New Mexico United

Albuquerque, NM - Camping equipment purchased for a loosely planned late June trip to the Red River area is, reportedly, a constant reminder of a life before New Mexico United for new soccer fan Paul Stephens as it remains shoved in the corner of his spare bedroom and office space.

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“Yep, I haven’t even set up the tent,” stated Stephens to The Nutmeg News. “I think I’m supposed to check the seams and look at the rain fly but…… I had a trip to Dallas recently so………… um………… yeah.”

According to friends, on June 19th, 2019 at roughly 11:45 pm Mr. Stephens cancelled a pending road trip to Ruidoso that was supposed to take place after July 4th as he stated, “OMG I DONT KNOWF GAME TIME, DO TRUNK NIGHT ROW.”

Good friend Jacob Evans stated, “We haven’t seen him as much this year for some reason. He keeps on inviting me out to watch a game, but honestly I’m a bit terrified that I’ll disappear into his Instagram posts from the stadium where he is smiling and waiving a flag. I have a life to live! I have a girlfriend! I don’t know if she will accept a soccer lifestyle.”

For his part, Stephens indicates that he will continue with this run of good fortune and fun following New Mexico United around the United States as he indicated his perpetual love for the team he got to know roughly four months ago.

“I’m New Mexico until I die or I get relocated due to work and have to follow the team from online streams,” stated Stephens. “I can’t wait for the game against Minnesota United! I told my team that I was going to have to skip the softball game that following weekend because I’m ttending that one with my frequent flier miles.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stephens realizes that his new soccer friends don’t know his old drinking, softball and camping friends.

FIFA To Let VAR Decide Rest Of World Cup

Zurich, CH - The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) stated that they would let Video Assisted Referee (VAR) decide the rest of the World Cup as they determined that their own referees, teams and competitive games were ancillary to the decisions of the robot overlords.

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“There is no reason to put these Females in harms way anymore,” stated FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “We can simply let VAR and our bank of computers decide what the outcome would be based upon previously existing games, player ratings, overall talent matrixes and the implicit bias against players that our referees admitted to us in private.”

FIFA referees stated their opposition to such a plan as they blasted FIFA for attempting to ruin the World Cup, however their objections to the federation were overturned by VAR.

“We thought we had a valid argument that fans deserve a World Cup tournament played by actual players and refereed by actual humans, but apparently we were wrong,” stated referee Claudia Ramirez. “Instead, according to VAR, we do not deserve these things as shown in this still frame displayed here.”

Players were reportedly informed by their federations that there would be no reason to stay in Paris anymore as they returned home to their domestic games.

“I certainly hope that VAR doesn’t ruin the rest of the NWSL season,” stated one anonymous player. “It seems like it is only a matter of time before all games are tabulated and run by VAR.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ………… no wait…… wait……….. we were just informed by VAR that will have no more on this.


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"I'll Absolutely Be There On Time," Texts Teammate From Bar

Des Moines, IA - Rugger’s Elite United forward Tom Calloway sought to calm the nerves of his fellow teammates as he texted them, “I’ll absolutely be there on time,” as he sat down at local bar Carl’s Place to get a drink after work.

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“I just wanted them to know that I’ll be there,” stated Calloway as he ordered a beer as he tried to span the time between getting off work and going to the field.

According to team manager, captain, and goalkeeper David Thornberry, the concern over Calloway has to do with his inability to make it to games that he already committed to attend.

“Look, he paid his money, he can do what he wants,” stated Thornberry to The Nutmeg News. “But I would think that if you pay some money to play the games and you know that we depend on everyone showing up on time in order to play that you would…. you know…. show up on time.”

According to witnesses at the field, Thornberry texted back, “ok cool, see you there,” despite a growing sense of unease about whether Calloway would make it to the game.

“I’m just going to see if I can get someone else that wants to play,” stated Thornberry as he tried to email, DM, and Facebook message everyone that could possibly stand on a field so that Ruggers Elite United will not have to forfeit another game.

“It’s important to the rest of us, I think, so it should be important to Tom,” stated a gleefully naive Thornberry.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as four people don’t show up to the game, Rugger’s Elite United has to forfeit for the second time this season and three of the players don’t even text any excuse at all.


Explosive Twitter Thread Now Just 200 "This Tweet Is Unavailable" Statements

INTERNET - An explosive Twitter thread on Video Assisted Referee (VAR) is reportedly, now, just 200 this tweet is unavailable statements as a spiraling number of dickheaded comments by locked accounts forced the original account to lock their account.

CONTENT!

CONTENT!

“I didn’t think it would come to this, but I’ve just had enough with the bullshit,” stated the originator of the thread @HAOforDayz. “Maybe I’m looking at this from a nostalgic point of view but I remember when you could have a discussion on Twitter about something without getting a bunch of replies by assholes and then locked accounts stirring things up with their own friends.”

Sources within the company indicate that Twitter was never like that as conflict was the single thing that created the growth the social media site experienced over the past 10 years.

“We’ve always been about people shitting on other people,” stated one anonymous Twitter employee. “That’s why you come to this site, to see someone pretending to own a congressperson or a player or that person you know and don’t like. Or maybe you get a celebrity responding terrible things to someone who persistently needles them about a passion project they have. It’s great, just great. Don’t pretend that you don’t love all of the bickering that causes you to slowly realize how much time you are wasting on this site. Have you followed enough people to make you hate the world yet?”

According to outsiders watching the thread, the original VAR twitter thread was very interesting before it completely vanished.

“I really thought they had some good points,” stated Twitter user @RickSteevesNuts “Then everything got turned off and I requested a follow and now I can’t see anything. Good thing I was online at 1:00 am to see that masterpiece. I only got 5 hours of sleep but it was worth it.”

With the original thread locked, the responsibility for spreading paraphrased versions of the Twitter thread fell to followers of the original account who haven’t decided to lock their own accounts yet.

“Yes, it was great,” stated @HeathBar2019 “I’m not going to screencap it, but it was great. Had some great points. You just had to read it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @HAOforDayz considers unlocking their account before looking online and wondering if maybe they would be better off just deleting everything and reading a book.

"If Only There Was Some Kind Of... You Know... National Women's League... For Soccer," States World Cup Fan

BOSTON - Every four year World Cup fan Samantha Hughes stated that she was really enjoying the World Cup this year and, “If only there was some kind of…. you know… national women’s league …. for soccer.”

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“It’d be great if I could watch stuff like this all the time,” stated Hughes to her collection of friends. “I just enjoy the spectacle of the tournament.”

Hughes religiously watches the World Cup, both Men’s and Women’s, for the past four cycles and expressed interest in a local team that she could watch if only there was a league like that for women.

“It is just frustrating because I love the US Women and I only wish that I could watch the women playing other teams in some kind league structure,” stated Hughes on Facebook. “They could play as the US women versus other teams or maybe there could be a local team. The fact that there isn’t a league is an outrage. I would love if there was a Boston based team. Wasn’t there supposed to be a groundswell of support for a league back in 99?”

With other fans of the World Cup agreeing with her, Hughes spent the afternoon fantasizing about watching the US Women play teams locally before making plans to watch more World Cup games in the afternoon with her friends at a local bar.

“Well, some day we will be able to fight for a league of our own,” stated Hughes. “I just hope that I live long enough to have a team in Boston that I can root for.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Hughes carries on with her day-to-day life and continues to support the USWNT like it is a club team.

Philadelphia Union Cap Space Reduced After Master Spreadsheet Is Finally Updated From Forgotten 2-12-19_Union_Cap_Mod3.xlsx Document

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Union cap space was reduced by $500,000 after an IT professional found out that the master spreadsheet hadn’t been updated correctly since financial analyst Kyle Schroeder created a separate spreadsheet called 2-12-19_Union_Cap_Mod3.xlsx on his old, recently replaced laptop.

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Sighing deeply and muttering, “Goddammit,” IT manager Dave Treadwell finally figured out why the current numbers didn’t match the expected budget as he connected the laptop to the network after reading back through his emails to confirm that he asked Mr. Schroeder multiple times if he copied everything off it to his new machine.

“You are lucky we didn’t erase this yet, because we were supposed to wipe everything off this and send the laptop out for recycling,” stated Treadwell to a clueless Schroeder who looked past him with the eyes of a man still fixated on his last Candy Crush level.

After comparing the expected budget charge to the master spreadsheet and realizing the numbers didn’t add up, the financial division of the Union reportedly reached out to the league office only find out they couldn’t help them because they didn’t have any record of what the contracts currently were with the Union. It was then that they reached out to Treadwell in order to see if he could resolve what was clearly an IT issue.

“This is just like when they magically lost the Freddy Adu contract,” stated Treadwell to The Nutmeg News. “You know they asked me to check the JAZZ drive? THE JAZZ DRIVE. God … I… look… I…um…” stated Treadwell as he broke down while holding his head in his hands. “This is why we should use SharePoint. For collaboration and versioning. This could all be avoided with a simple approval workflow and check in/check out enabled.“

According to the Union, everything is fine, now, after a small technical detail that caused a momentary disruption in their core processes. They blamed the issue on an IT issue that was resolved.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Treadwell looks at LinkedIN for 30 minutes while he tries to figure out how to use his 15 years of technical expertise to fill out a resume form on a job website.

Prideraiser To Offer Financing Terms For USWNT Fans

Prideraiser, the international coalition of independent soccer supporters that raise money for local LGBTQ+ charities every June, stated that in light of the recent 13 goal output by the United States Women’s National Team in the World Cup that they would offer generous financing terms for fans looking to fulfill their financial obligation.

Donate if you can:  www.prideraiser.org

Donate if you can: www.prideraiser.org

“We are going to offer a generous option of 5 and 10 year financing terms with zero money down and only 23% interest,” stated Prideraiser volunteer Kasia van Helm. “It’s important for us to acknowledge the severe financial hardship that will befall USWNT fans during this period of time.”

With many Prideraiser contributors already reporting worry at their financial future over the number of goals scored in the 1st game of the World Cup, many are looking at the fact that the tournament extends beyond June as their salvation.

“If I was having to cover the goals scored over the whole tournament I’d be fucked,” stated Elizabeth Barrett. “I’m still looking at a Prideraiser/Chase Line Of Credit in order to cover the next game against Chile.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Prideraiser bankrupts supporters across the United States for a good cause.


Players Transition From Amateur To Professional Exhibited By Changing Twitter Handle

Colorado Springs, CO - Colorado Switchbacks player Efren Cousino stated that you could really see his transition from an amateur to professional soccer player by the changing of his Twitter handle as the second year player traded in @ButtzButtzButtz24 for the more professional looking @EfrenCousino12

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“Yeah, it was time, man,” stated Cousino to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. “I had that account for the last two or three years, but man…yeah, I can’t keep that around anymore.”

Cousino indicated that his former account included such tweets as, “Drake is a no talent clown,” and, “Let that woman come to you k,” and, “BURGER KING, BRO,” and ,”CR7 clownin on fools,” most of which were erased before he was taken in the fourth round of the MLS draft in 2018.

“I guess I’m just a bit older and I don’t need that stuff coming back on me anymore,” stated Cousino as he surfed Instagram from a locked account. “I learned the hard way that everyone is going to be looking for something.”

For their part, Cousino’s fans indicate they miss his nuanced take on pizza toppings, late night comedy and the legacy of Lil Uzi Vert as they mourned the loss of @ButtzButtzButtz24

“It’s sad to watch the league force players to change their style,” stated former academy teammate Kyle Laughlin. “But I still get to talk to E regularly so I get my updates that way.”

Cousino indicated that he has no plans to bring back @ButtzButtzButtz24 but he stated that if you want to follow he has a curated and professionally run Facebook Athlete page where he is giving out training tips and early access to local soccer skills workshops.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone Cousino forgot was following him on his Instagram account screencaps pictures and comments from 4 years ago.


Colorado Rapids Fan Stems Open Cup Hangover By Cancelling Free Trial Of ESPN+

Pittsburgh, PA - Jeremy Valverde, a remote Rapids fan living in Pittsburgh, admitted that he stemmed the US Open Cup hangover that he had this morning by cancelling his free trial of ESPN + that he hoped would take him through the advancement of the Rapids in the tournament.

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“I created my account a few hours before the game started,” stated Valverde to The Nutmeg News. “I also set a reminder for six days from now to check on the status of the trial. So it was really, really great to have to go delete that shit first thing.”

Valverde compared the experience to ripping of the band aid as he complained about the extra beers that he drank last night for the Colorado Rapids and New Mexico United game that went to penalties.

“Look, one and done. I freaking hate penalty kicks. I freaking hate them. And my freaking head is screaming at me from breaking into my stash of Avery Beer. Goddammit. Anyway, at least I’m going to save $4.99 over the next month.”

With Valverde cancelling his subscription out of spite, he stated that he wouldn’t have any reason to watch any more US Open Cup games for the rest of the year as he exclaimed, “I don’t care, I just don’t care. Look I care too much and now I don’t care. YOU DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT. JEEZE. LET ME JUST WALLOW IN OUR CRAPULANCE.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Valverde tries and immediately fails to not log on to his Twitter account for the next few days in order to decompress.

US Open Cup Games Allow Fans Of MLS Teams To Be Nostalgic About Former Player They Didn't Know Was Playing For USL Side

Stating, “Oh, that’s what happened to Devon Sandoval,” Real Salt Lake fan Samantha Hughes admitted that she enjoyed catching up on the career of the former RSL player as she watched the match-up of the Colorado Rapids versus New Mexico United during the US Open Cup.

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“He played like three years for RSL and then he was loaned out and I kinda didn’t pay attention to what happened to him after that,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “It was kinda nice to watch him and Justin Schmidt running around on the field. I always wondered what happened to Schmidt too, because he just… you know… disappeared at one point. Or maybe I didn’t pay attention, anyway…. thanks boys for knocking out the Rapids!”

Timbers fan Ron Simpson stated the same thing as he exclaimed, “Wait, Taylor Peay plays for Louisville City,” as he scrolled through the streams on ESPN while waiting for the Timbers US Open Cup matchup against the Seattle Sounders. “I remember when I thought he had a chance at helping out the Timbers. Huh. I hadn’t thought about him in a few years.”

Dynamo fan Ashley Evans was equally surprised to find that Brian Ownby was playing for Louisville City. “I blocked out most of the 2014 season, but I remember Ownby playing for us around then. I guess I just didn’t really think about what happened to him after he left the team.”

With two USL teams advancing in the US Open Cup, more opportunities await for fans of MLS teams to discover that the player they thought had a chance at helping out their team is now starting for a team in the USL.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans fail to understand the insane journey a player must go on to try to make it in the sport in the United States and Canada.



USWNT Hot Takes Used To Power French City

Reims, FR - Scientists with the Syndicat des énergies renouvelables announced that they harnessed the power of the hot takes surrounding the USWNT 13-0 victory over Thailand to power the entire city of Reims.

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“We are proud to announce that due to the excess amount of hot air surrounding the game that we are now able to provide clean energy for the entire city and surrounding area,” stated Gaspard Therenve, director of SER. “Between the American reactions to the game alone we were able to store enough power to power our city for over 6 months.”

Scientists indicate that a long standing quest for renewable energy was celebrated at SER as they finally capitalized on all the experts, pundits and armchair quarterbacks who took to social media to proclaim their expertise.

“It is miraculous,” stated Mr. Therenve. “We could possibly harness enough anger over the USWNT to power the entire world if they played enough games against teams from South East Asia.”

Our reporters asked the US Department of Energy about this breakthrough and they stated that they were also working on a new form of Energy harnessed from a new mineral called coal that they would brand, “FREEDOM DUST.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the upcoming USWNT game against Chile is supposed to generate 1.21 jigawatts of energy.

Wage Slave Focuses Energy On Fighting The System In Team's Front Office

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan and persistent wage slave Derryk Franklin admitted that he is firmly against whatever is going on in the front office of the club as he finds something to rage against in order to exert some kind of control over his life that is spiraling out of control into debt, addiction and endless amounts of work.

Down with the corporate system except the one that is wringing me out until I’m an empty husk.

Down with the corporate system except the one that is wringing me out until I’m an empty husk.

"Its hard for me to make it to games now that I'm implicitly expected to work at least 16 hours on the weekends, but as a fan of the Earthquakes I expect the team to treat their players to a fair wage, a standard working schedule, and an aggressive attitude towards engaging the fans and the city,” stated Franklin to The Nutmeg News.

“I find that between my town hall meetings, my manager meetings, my personal scrum group meetings, my daily stand-up meetings, my one-on-one meetings, and my weekend on-call work that seems to be happening with frightening regularity that I’m expected to hold myself to a certain employable standard that will keep me at my work and not be laid off. So you can expect that I will rage against the status quo in the Earthquakes front office to show that somehow I haven’t slipped into an eternal hell space that will dominate my days until I burn out, drink to much and realize that I can’t actually afford to go to rehab.”

According to his soccer friends, Franklin is persistently talking about the Earthquakes front office inability to spend on players and advertising as he pours over the salary numbers of the team with a focused intensity that directly reflects his inability to speak to other team members at his work about their salaries.

“I don’t understand how the Quakes are paying Luis Felipe $71,625 per year for the amount of work and effort they expect out of him in a city where rent is stupidly expensive,” stated Franklin as he applied to drive for Uber and Lyft in order to keep his San Francisco adjacent one bedroom apartment. “It’s not possible to imagine that anyone could live with these conditions and I expect the front office to start paying these players what they are worth. Barely anyone can make it here, and I don’t understand how they think that players can find any free time to enjoy themselves or have any money left on the weekends. It’s just going to drive them completely crazy all the time when they think about it. They can’t even buy a house. Just imagine being a person who makes six figures, much less five figures, and getting to the next paycheck and realizing there’s nothing there because it was taking by your rent, car, student loans, medical expenses and utilities. We have to do something to help out all these players.”

According to his blog www.drowninginfireandburningindebt.blogspot.com, Franklin is attempting to organize an effort at protesting the front office of the Earthquakes until they become more aggressive in the local market as he also details his efforts at fighting back depression by microdosing LSD and finding the joy in a 72 hour work week.

“It’s important to stand up against bullies,” stated Franklin from his anonymous Online persona of David Anyman. “We must band together and end this wage slavery for the players and fight back against the hegemonic interests of Silicon Valley in our sport. I’ll update more after I finish my unscheduled shift in the data center this weekend.. Maybe voting in a new MLS President will change things for the better.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Derryk begins to project his marital issues onto the coaching staff saying that they never listen to him and that’s the cause of all their problems

League Celebrates 13 Years Of MLSPU Salary Numbers And 13 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 13 years now. 

T.R.E.A.M. - Tam Rules Everything Around Me, Garber Dolla Bill YA'LL!

T.R.E.A.M. - Tam Rules Everything Around Me, Garber Dolla Bill YA'LL!

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 13 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said one anonymous player of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to Carlos Vela, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 13 years.




Atlanta United Insist That All Lives Matter At Their Unity Night

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United today struck back against online critics of their Unity Night promotions on Twitter and Facebook as they insist that, “All Lives Matter at Unity Night.”

Hey, where did all the Unity jerseys go!

Hey, where did all the Unity jerseys go!

Atlanta United spokesman David Rawlins stated that the criticism was way off base as the Twitter account, Website and Facebook account of the team showed where they stood.

“Here we do things differently. Where other teams may celebrate their fanbase in ways that would… um… fracture the fanbase, here we try to unite the fanbase. That was the genesis of Unity Night. We are going to Unite the fanbase under Unity night showing that Atlanta United isn’t just for one loud group or another, but all groups. All lives matter during Unity Night”

Oh, there we go! Unity flag’s for everyone!

Oh, there we go! Unity flag’s for everyone!

Critics of the promotion indicate that it appears that Atlanta United is doing just about everything in their power to reference their promotional Pride merchandise as anything but Pride merchandise as on all their platforms, save for the Major League Soccer run webshop, the Pride merchandise is referred to as Unity merchandise.

“If we just reach out to people of a … hmm… different lifestyle that might anger some of our long term fans of a … um…. different lifestyle to the people of a different lifestyle and … um… certain sponsors,” stated one anonymous employee. “It’s important for us to come together, in these days, and have a Unity Night for everyone because WHO DOESN’T LOVE A RAINBOW PRi… ER… UNITY JERSEY PRICED FOR THE LOW LOW COST OF $59.99!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we receive our upgraded Chick-Fil-A sponsored seats and eat at the Chick-Fil-A restaurant on the Mercedes Benz stadium concourse.

Online Troll Farms Hiring As World Cup Begins

INTERNET - Online troll farms targeting fans who enjoy women’s sports announced that they were hiring as the World Cup begins June 7th.

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“We MUST tell these people how stupid women’s sports is," stated troll farm director Vladamir Stepnovich. “Everyone knows that Women shouldn’t play sports except for Foxy Boxing and jello wrestling.”

According to the advertisements, Troll Farms are looking for angry men between the age of 12 and 99 who hate women, want to make people feel awful and feel the need to anger as many people as possible by shitting on their interests. “Come join the troll army dedicated to making other people as miserable as you are in your day-to-day life,” stated one advertisement on a White Supremacist Facebook group.

For their part, fans of the World Cup and women’s sports say this is all part of the package.

“Every single time the world cup comes around there’s an increase in idiots online,” stated writer Kym Blanchard. “My World Cup experience wouldn’t be complete without men in my dms telling me that I’m worthless, asking for nudes, telling me to delete my account, telling me to kill myself and telling me that no one cares.”

The troll farms admit that it’s an easy recruitment process as they stated, “many men in the United States and abroad are very angry for no good reason. What better thing to do than to load them up with hatred towards women as a way to tell the world to fuck itself in some kind of nhilistic and impotent rage. We also do recruitment for people that want more of an alt-right presence online. Generally if someone is fine spending the good portion of their day telling people that women’s sports sucks, they are only one youtube video away from ranting online about Muslims invading their country.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as desperate and angry men continue to embarrass everyone, repeatedly.

Woman Left Behind In Seattle Still Planning On Following World Cup

Seattle, WA - Soccer fan Gloria Wright stated that she was still planning on following the upcoming World Cup despite being the only person among her friends who hasn’t ascended to France for the next month.

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“It’s fine. I’m fine. Yes, I’m still planning on watching the World Cup,” stated Ms Wright to The Nutmeg News. “My friends have gone to a better place. They believed. They prayed. They sacrificed. They were chosen for a low interest rate credit card offer. In France they will eat and drink and be merry. Everyone will be dressed in the finest of polyester robes and personalized kits. They who are alive will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet Janice at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I’m fine. Seriously.”

According to herself as she stated it 26 times during our interview, Ms Wright was, “totally fine, seriously. Not jealous at all,” as she cat sit for 3 different friends heading overseas.

“There will be 22 women on the pitch, 11 will be taken and 11 will be left. Praise be to Ertz and Sauerbrunn for they know not what they do, but they do what they do anyway. I’m really going to enjoy the watch party that I’m having with Commander Thundershits.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a penitent Wright prostrates herself before the website of CapitalOne before realizing… oh right…. she definitely couldn’t afford to go.

Man With Too Much Money Buys NPSL Team

Hoover, AL - Reclusive billionaire James Edward Stanfield announced that he was purchasing an NPSL team in an to utilize the net operating losses of Hoover Atletico United SC against his taxes in the future.

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“I need a guaranteed financial loss generator,” stated Stanfield to The Nutmeg News. “And nothing is more guaranteed to lose money than lower league American soccer.”

Stanfield reportedly engineered the purchase of Hoover Atletico United SC after sending over a pizza to the shared apartment of former owner Roger McGraw.

According to friends on site at the shared residence, McGraw did a jig and screamed, “Someone wants to buy this? SOLD. SOLD. SOLD. SOLD.”

Publicly, McGraw stated that he would miss the shared development and participation with the community that he treasured and fostered despite the insane debt that he ran up on a total of 3 credit cards and a personal business loan over the past 4 years.

“Thank you for everything, Hoover,” penned McGraw on his way to his new job as a programmer for Amazon.

For his part, Stanfield stated that he planned on heavily investing into the structure of the team as he stated that they would have a new and very costly rebrand of their uniform and badge.

“This process may take YEARS to develop, but I’m very confident that eventually I’ll be able to claim all these losses, soon,” stated Stanfield.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stanfield forgets about this purchase until his accountant asks his assistant about it next year.