Man Running For Supporters Group President Really Regretting @BongHitzForGoalz Twitter Handle

Des Moines, IA - Larry Henderson, a passionate fan of the Des Moines Victory AC Sporting Club, stated privately that he is really regretting his choice of the Twitter handle @BongHitzForGoalz as he announced his candidacy for the available president position for the Corn State Ultras supporters group.

Mr Henderson hasn’t changed his profile picture since November of 2012.

Mr Henderson hasn’t changed his profile picture since November of 2012.

“If I knew that I was going to be doing this seven years ago, I likely would’ve picked something less… um……….. controversial?” stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News.

Supporters within the Corn State Ultras admitted that the handle of BongHitzForGoalz polarized opinions on Henderson in both directions as the fans attempted to decide whether they wanted him to represent the group.

“I personally don’t care if someone DOES smoke … um… the marijuana,” stated Corn State Ultras member Joshua West. “But, honestly… we need a professional perspective and a professional presence going forward and I ask myself whether BongHitzForGoalz will effectively be able to communicate our positions. Everyone would be a lot more comfortable if he just started drinking a lot more, if I’m going to be completely honest.”

Straight Edge subgroup DeX Moines Deny Lads, whose total official membership was announced as 3, stated that they were absolutely opposed to candidacy of Henderson as they released a statement which proclaimed, “NO SIRRENDOR,” and contained a picture of their hands in a circle with the Straight Edge X drawn in Sharpie upon them.

For his part, Henderson indicates that he understands the reluctance of some fans within the supporters group, but he states that he can’t really change his account until after the election as everyone in the community knows him, now, as @BongHitzForGoalz.

“I get it, I really do, and I mostly don’t entirely do bong hits anymore after a goal,” stated Henderson. “Sometimes I like to do a light vape, smoke a portion of a pre-roll, or perhaps I just enjoy settling into a nice edible ride. That shouldn’t really have any bearing on my ability to be the supporters group president. I’ve already made the announcement that I plan on changing my account to @LhenSoccer if I win.”

When asked if he will change handle should he lose the election, Henderson stated that he would as, “I’m creating a locked shadow account for my friends with the handle of @DabsForRedCardz.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson wins the election in a landslide despite having exactly zero conversations about anything to do with the Supporters Group for the last four months.

EDITORS NOTE: After publication of this piece, Mr Henderson stated to our reporter that he decided to change his twitter handle.

USWNT Fan More Concerned With Imagined Relationship Than Actual Relationship

Roanoke, VA - United States Women’s Soccer fan Tabitha Stewart is, reportedly, more concerned with the imagined relationship between National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) players Tobin Heath and Christen Press than the actual relationship she has with girlfriend Angie Fettering as Stewart ignored the repeated requests to go to a movie on Saturday night so that she could analyze a video that showed Heath and Press hugging for the 232nd time.

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“Ang, come look at this again,” stated Stewart to the empty chair that Fettering was sitting in before she left to go to the bathroom. “ANG! WHERE ARE YOU?”

According to friends, Stewart spent the last few months obsessed with the idea that Heath and Press were dating as she started 15 different Instagram accounts that all copy the memes and pictures she self selects to show some kind of purported evidence.

“CLEARLY, CLEARLY you can see them holding hands here. CLEARLY. Look, she’s staring at her as she removes her training top. LOOK. OVER, and then glance…. OVER AND THEN GLANCE……OVER………. AND THEN A GLANCE,” stated Stewart as she frenetically updated her blog www.loversundercovers.com

Friends state that Stewart’s passion for the team turned into an obsession with the duo as she stated that she has to be the first person to find definitive proof the two are dating.

“Yeah, I think she’s lost it a bit,” stated good friend Bromwyn Alexander. “I used to go over and watch games with her and Ang, but now she just keeps rewinding insignificant moments and glances that she claims are part of a large conspiracy. Ang asked me to help her talk to Tab, but honestly… no. I’m not getting involved in that.”

For her part, Ms Fettering stated that she thought it was all innocent at first as she claimed, “look at first I thought it was just kinda fun. You know… like just trying to guess who wasn’t out on the team, but …. well… we’ve probably gone on less dates over the past six months than Press, Heath or whomever the two are dating. At this point I need to know if I’m going to have my girlfriend back who can actually go to a bar without updating her Insta page with pictures of the two.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after our recent “will they or won’t they” clickbait gossip piece with our updated full page advertising.


We Conducted A Nationwide Survey Regarding Which Team Random People Think Will Win The MLS This Year

Researches with The Nutmeg News Institute (TNNI) conducted a nationwide survey of random people in the United States, the eastern part of New Brunswick and the western area of Dorchester off the A35 but north of the A37 next to the Bramble Cafe and Deli in Poundbury regarding who they think will win the Major League Soccer this year.

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Their responses may shock and surprise you but reflect the national level of confidence in the overall state of teams within the league.

Question - Which Team Do You Think Will Win The MLS?

Answer #5 - “What The Hell Are You Talking About?”

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When asked “which team will win the MLS this year,” the fifth most replied response was, “what the hell are you talking about,” a bold choice according to statisticians.

Answer #4 - “Probably Whatever Team Landon Donovan Is On”

(Chadd Cady / Chadd Cady)

(Chadd Cady / Chadd Cady)

The fourth most given answer came from random people who weren’t certain if Landon Donovan was still playing and if he is still playing, which team he currently represents.

Answer #3 - “Manchester City”

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The league dominant team was given a fairly decent chance of winning the competition as fans attempted to figure out if they should panic in the early season due to the results from last weekend.

Answer #2 - “Re/Max”

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The international real estate company was picked to be the possible winner of the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) by many of the people our researchers spoke with as they indicated that despite a softening of the global real estate market they believe that it can do better given what’s happening with job creation and the historically low mortgage rate that is currently in place.is having the market under-perform relative to its value.

Answer #1 - “The Golden State Warriors”

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By far, the number one answer given was the Golden State Warriors. Experts indicate that with two championships in the past three years that this remains an odds on favorite to make it to the championship despite what may be a transition year.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we work with our pollsters to establish a list of teams that people have to pick from.

Season Ticket Renewal Event Reduced To Postcard That States, "Hey, Shitlord. Are You Renewing Or Not?"

Santa Rosa, CA - Exhausted after 20 years of trying to appease their season ticket holders, public relations executives for FC Santa Rosa Atletico United SC reportedly reduced their previous attempts at wooing renewals from a bombastic event to a simple postcard that reads, “Hey, Shitlord. Are you renewing or not? Give us your money.”

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“We love our fans, but honestly we are just tired. At this point they know that we just need their money and we are really tired of asking for it every single year,” stated the manager of season ticket renewals Dale Henderson.

Fans of the club state that the appreciation gifts and renewal packages increasingly became more and more sparse as they transitioned from a full presentation, gift and team interaction situation into a postcard with three sentences on it.

“I remember when they showed up at my door with our captain and midfielder Connar McCavin to surprise me for a viral video and gave me a mahogany inlaid box with a piece of a kit from the inaugural season,” stated 20 year season ticket holder Paul Gutierrez. “These days the only benefit I got was that they wrote the postcard to me by hand due to the longevity of my season ticket renewals.”

Not all fans disagreed with the new attempt to force renewals as front office fanboy Derrick Foley indicated his agreement with the technique.

“I’d rather they spend the money on the field than on myself,” stated Foley to The Nutmeg News. “They could step on my junk and call me Stephen as long as they buy a new fullback for next season.”

This statement, however, clashed with that of the team as one insider stated, “They aren’t spending that money on the field either. They just didn’t want to spend it on the fans. This team needs to turn a profit somehow.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the renewal notification next season is just a bag of Elephant Feces with a note stapled to it that says, “tickets?”

"I'm Ready For The Season To Be Over," States Woman Who Voluntarily Paid $864 For Two Season Tickets

Orlando, FL - After another disappointing Major League Soccer campaign that brought to mind the eternal disappointment of her u-12 rec league team from 20 years ago, Carla Overbeek stated that she was, “ready for the season to be over,” as she conveniently forgot the $864 dollars that she paid for two 2019 season tickets.

Photo by Chris Green, Stadium Journey      Anyone actually renewing for 2020? Anyone? ANYONE?!

Photo by Chris Green, Stadium Journey

Anyone actually renewing for 2020? Anyone? ANYONE?!

“It’s just been another disappointing year and I’m tired of going to the stadium to have it be frustrating,” stated Overbeek to The Nutmeg News. “Half the time I can’t even find someone to take my other ticket when my girlfriend can’t go.”

Overbeek stated that she spent the past two months making her peace with the end of the season and she was just done with all of it for a while.

“I just need to decompress and stop going to games. I love the team, but good grief I need a break. I was hoping that if I added in some Pride tickets that it would salvage the season but that turned out to be a way to completely burn myself out.”

Friends indicate that Overbeek hinted at just dropping her Orlando City tickets and going all in on the Pride where the prices are cheaper, but that she just can’t seemingly quit the team she began following all those years ago.

“I already renewed for 2020. God, what the hell am I doing with my life?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as by January Overbeek deludes herself into thinking that the secondary market will help sell her extras next year.

No One In Front Office Remembers Password To Spanish Language Twitter Account

Yuma, AZ - According to reports, no one with the Yuma Futbol Club United front office actually remembers the password to the @YumaEnEspanol soccer account that was set up for Spanish language information and tweets over three and a half years ago.

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Yuma FCU recently hired Dan Evans, a new part-time social media coordinator, and he quickly asked about the defunct account.

“What they are telling me is that the last time this thing was updated was during our playoff run a couple years ago,” stated Evans to our reporter. “It sounds like they found someone at that time that was helping out with the team to update the account before he moved on to a job with a USL squad.”

Evans stated that he thought the club could do a better job of attracting fans if they reached out to a more diverse crowd.

“I think it would be great to have more fans out to our games but no one with this team really speaks Spanish. I mean, I just recently learned about Elotes and I love Pinatas and Burritos…… Can I run a twitter account off google translate?

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans attempts to craft a really distinct Spanish language Twitter account after two weeks of using Duolingo.


Brad Friedel Slates News Media For Not Reporting All The Vicious Beatings Of Players By Fans That Turned This Revolution Team Around

Foxborough, MA - From the parking lot of the Bass Pro Shops where he held an impromptu press conference, former head coach Brad Friedel reportedly castigated the, “corrupt news media,” for allegedly not reporting, “all the vicious beatings of players by fans that turned this Revolution team around.”

Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports  OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE

Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports

OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE

Friedel stated that it was his belief that Revolution fans took his previous words insinuating that players should be afraid for their well being and acted upon them after he was unceremoniously removed of duty.

“It’s very clear, when you look at this team, that Murph and Sully showed up to the parking lot and beat the living shit out of at least the backline,” stated Friedel to The Nutmeg News who had a reporter that happened upon the impromptu press conference as she was shopping for stink bait and waders. “You can see it in their eyes. They have the proper amount of fear and and respect for the effect a wooden bat can have on their body.”

New England Revolution officials state that no assaults have taken place and referred any requests to the police department as they stated, “This is pure lunacy. None of our players have been attacked by anyone and we will not broach that subject.”

For his part, Friedel stated, “Of COURSE they would say that. They are in a secret cabal to repress the news of the nightly assaults that happen in the parking lots. There’s no explanation other than a collection of really brutal individuals have been picking out a player and beating them into the MLS team of the week.”

The Nutmeg News reached out to the Town Of Foxborough Police Department who stated that they would not comment on any matters, but that no crime was reported at or near the parking lots of the stadium.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brad Friedel starts his own news network called SoccerWARZ to spread the REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE REVOLUTION.


Soccer Fan Who Always Takes Contrary Position Doesn't Agree With That Description

NEW YORK - Red Bulls fan Gary @MoreMetroThanYou Stewart reportedly stated that he disagreed with the assessment that he always takes a contrary position to whatever the current opinion is of the national fanbase of the MLS team as he lambasted the supporters of Red Bull New York for being, “sheep who never watch the game and spend the whole time cheering for themselves.”

I don’t care if it’s 1:30 in the morning, they must know that they are wrong!

I don’t care if it’s 1:30 in the morning, they must know that they are wrong!

“That couldn’t be farther from the truth,” stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. “I’m not a contrarian, I just happen to boldly swim against the tides of all the fanboys that are out there who never have an independent thought for themselves and love all this faux-european supporters group bullshit.”

Sources say that Stewart likes to pop up on Twitter, Facebook and Metrofanatic with an excessive amount of disagreement for the opinions of anyone involved in the supporters groups of Red Bull New York, as well as casual fans who might have an opinion different from his as he perpetually makes statements about noobs, supporters group members and older fans being stuck in their small exclusive groups listening to the, “bootlickers in charge of the Empire Supporters Club.”

“I’ve long stated that I am too much of an asshole and too unfiltered to be involved at any high level in the supporters groups,” stated Stewart. “People don’t like it when you speak truth to them because it exposes their ignorance and biases. I’m not saying that I’m smarter than everyone else. I’m just smarter than most of the Red Bulls fans. If they were smart they would’ve stopped going to games when those Austrians stole our American history and American identity. Did you know that people actually think Jesse Marsch was any good? I have a number of personal feelings about this that show the truth of the matter was far different.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart uses Facebook to berate a Red Bull fan for, “being a total PC stooge,” for posting a comment about sexist language.

Gamer Blocks Off Whole Day To Complain About FIFA 2020

Charleston, SC - Gamer Brad Lewis reportedly blocked off his whole Saturday in order to complain about FIFA 2020 as he plays and complains about the game for roughly 24 hours.

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“I don’t know why we need another FIFA game with bugged mechanics and problematic playing modes,” stated Lewis as he warmed up for his upcoming complaining session by paying $89.99 for the Ultimate Edition on his XBox-One. “I’m just going to end up disappointed,” he stated as he started the download and left for work.

Friends say that despite the complaints of Lewis, the passionate gamer and somewhat soccer fan has purchased every edition of FIFA that has come out since FIFA 2012.

“God, it already just sounds terrible, I can’t wait to spend all day playing the game and ripping it to shreds before I continue playing it on Sunday,” stated Lewis to good friend Dave “XXXb0ng$n1c3n1ceXXX” Borassa. “I heard the whole thing is a complete shit show. I already bought 4 frozen pizzas and a case of Truly for tomorrow and I told everyone to not expect me to log into Discord until I was ready to endlessly complain about the game mechanisms, so roughly 12:01 AM.”

According to his own memory, Lewis spent the entirety of the past year playing and complaining about FIFA 2019 as he created career mode after career mode despite what appears to be his continual hatred for the game series.

“I put so many hours into the game that I can’t even count,” stated Lewis. “I fully played out the career of multiple created players, was general manager of Leeds United, took Atlanta United to MLS cup 5 years in a row on easy mode and complained the entire time. It was really awful and I can’t wait to spend the next 365 days doing the same thing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lewis preemptively schedules some tweets for tomorrow to indicate his disgust with the game while he waits for it to download on his console.

"I Could've Made That Shot," States Shirtless Fan In Supporters Group

San Jose, CA - A shirtless fan in the supporters section of the San Jose Earthquakes was heard stating, “I could’ve made that shot,” after Earthquakes player Carlos Fiero had a shot on goal saved by Andre Blake in the first half of the Earthquakes recent home loss to the Philadelphia Union.

“You call that a pass?! SWITCH… SWIIIIIIIIIITCH…. GODDAMMIT, PUT ME IN!”

“You call that a pass?! SWITCH… SWIIIIIIIIIITCH…. GODDAMMIT, PUT ME IN!”

Fans state that the shirtless man was heard yelling, “I’ve got my boots in my bag, put me on the field, coach,” as he carefully detailed, for anyone to hear, his three year career as an athlete at Chico State University. “I can run at least as fast as Guram Kashia.”

“I don’t know what his deal was but he was super amped,” stated Earthquakes fan Phil Hastings. “He kept talking about how WE needed to switch the ball, that WE needed a goal and how a goal against us would hurt us right here. I get the passion, but look…. dude… until you are on the field you can cut out that we/us shit.”

Sources indicate that the fan was later spotted attempting a pitch invasion as the anger boiled over in the stands and on the field at the end of the game.

“Yeah, I don’t think he is going to be seen back in the stands any time soon,” stated Earthquakes fan Donna Eastwood. “You can’t just go run on the field if you get pissed. I’m guessing he gets a season long ban for that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more 36 year old high school standouts continue yelling at the field about tactics.

Seattle Sounders Supporter Celebrates Iron Front Decision By Telling Timbers Fan To Go Fuck Himself

Seattle, WA - Celebrating Sounders fan Gwen Williams celebrated the recent decision to rescind the Iron Front ban by finding a random Timbers fan on the street and telling him to go fuck himself.

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“I’ve been holding this in SO LONG,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “As soon as the news came In I ran down to the street and just started looking around for any of that stupid green color. Oh god, the release…. Oh my god.”

Friends state that Williams posted messages of support on Facebook and Twitter for the process which involve tacitly supporting the organizations of the ISC, the Timbers Army, the Emerald City Supporters, Gorilla FC, and all the supporters groups around the United States and Canada that stood up against the ban.

“I found myself helping our Minnesota United fans that I had previously been calling plastic shills,” stated Williams. “I found myself talking an Atlanta fan through deescalating issues with his fellow fans. Things were turned upside down. I’m just happy that I can get back to hating every single other fan that isn’t a Sounders fan and some that are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams decides to celebrate again by calling DMing insults to her Timbers supporting friend Victor Cardenas.

Progressive Rock Loving Red Bulls Fan Attempts to Teach Fellow Supporters 23-Minute, 7-Movement Chant

Harrison, NJ - Supporters indicate that Red Bulls fan and progressive rock lover Gabriel Anderson was in the South Ward before a recent match attempting to teach his newly written song to a group of Empire Supporters.

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The “chant” opened with a rendition of Gustav Holst’s classical piece “Mars” before gradually descending into a sprawling, incomprehensible mess of time signatures, key changes, metaphysical lyrics about goal scoring and beer drinking, and at one point, a tubular bell solo over its exhausting 23-minute runtime. Certain that he was going to revolutionize supporter culture, his fellow fans instead could only stand in bewildered silence while he explained how to clap in 13/8 time. The closest the group came to realizing his vision was in the fifth of its seven movements, which built from repetitive whole notes played on a triangle into an atonal cacophony of windchimes.

It was not the first time Anderson had brought a new chant to the supporters. Previous efforts included Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” rewritten about defender Tim Parker, a musique concrète tape loop montage of other supporters groups, and four minutes and 33 seconds of silence that was mistaken for an Iron Front protest.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson was last seen at a Football Factory trying to rewrite "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" as a match-long concept chant, but had only gotten as far as changing "Rael" to "Red Bulls".



On Field Troll Of NYCFC By FC Dallas Confuses English Speaking Soccer Fans

Dallas, TX - An attempted on field troll of New York City FC by FC Dallas confused English speaking soccer fans as they took to the internet claiming that the franchise made a mistake.

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“It appears that our troll of NYCFC caught out a few of our less than bilingual fans,” stated FC Dallas public relations manager Susan Collins. “We used a quote from the Spanish Language Red Bull advertisements from the arch rival of NYCFC to get under their skin.”

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The FC Dallas worker responsible for the on field campaign said it never occurred to him that people would think people were misspelling the name of the home team.

“I thought EVERYONE knew about Te Da Alas. It translates to It gives you wings. Get with the TIMES, people,” stated Henderson to our reporter.

Supporters across the league called in to state they believed this to be a false flag to cover up an honest, on the field mistake by FC Dallas, however researchers state that this is just compensation.

“We like to fill in the blanks that our brain cannot handle,” stated Professor Walter Higgins of the MIT department of Onfield Flag Displays In Major League Soccer. “However, as Occam’s razor indicates, entities should not be multiplied without necessity. And what makes more sense… that FC Dallas, a supposed professional member of a soccer league, intentionally misspelled the name of the city they represent or that this was part of a larger advertising campaign to troll NYCFC while vertically integrating a new profit sphere in their on field promotions tranche.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Te Da Alas!

Phoenix Rising Fan Tired Of All The Losses

Phoenix, AZ - Phoenix Rising fan Oscar Martinez stated that he was tired of all the losses after the recent 2-1 loss to Fresno FC at Chukchansi Park in California.

“IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONE WIN?!”

“IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONE WIN?!”

“This is just the kind of stuff I’ve been talking about,” ranted Martinez to friends at their watch party. “This team just doesn’t know how to win, it’s all bullshit. We are definitely going to lose the rest of the year.”

Martinez reportedly fell into a spiral of overinflating the chances of Rising to make an impact on the post season and dismissing their chances entirely as he dealt with his inability to lose gracefully in a public manner while spouting off in his living room.

“Oh it one rng to win at home but HOW IS OUR RCORD N THE ROAD, EH #SchantzOUT” typed Martinez angrily into his Twitter account as he decided to lash out, drunk spelling be damned. “Winng streaks end and this is what I’ve bee talking about ALL SEASON LONG,” ranted Martinez as he sat in silence on his couch and ignored the people he invited over to his apartment.

“Dude, I think he is pissed off,” stated Rising fan Hashem Akosh. “Hey man, it’s ok…. it’s just one loss.”

However, these gentle entreaties did nothing to stem the rising bile in Martinez fingertips as they lashed one more insult out on the web before he retired to the parking lot outside to calm down.

“I just don’t see how we will ever win again,” stat Martinez to our reporter. “It’s just not possible. The winning streak was a lie, unless we start winning again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martinez leaves a sniping comment on Rising’s Instagram page about the loss.

Fan Wishes Cult Player Was Actually A Little Bit Better At Soccer

Des Moines, IA - Soccer fan David Williams stated that he wished that cult player Jason “fizzy” Fitzgerald was actually better at soccer as he painted another two-pole with the players face.

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“Everyone loves fizzy,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “He gets it…. you know? He totally understands the town and he understands us. I just… look I hate saying this, but I just wish he was actually better at the game of soccer.”

Fitzgerald has been a fan favorite for Williams and his fellow supporters for the past three seasons as he plays with heart and isn’t afraid to take a stance on issues important to the fans.

“My friends saw him out at Costco and he hung out and talked to them for 30 minutes,” stated Williams. “And he really went out of his way to help out the Gutierrez family when their house was nearly burned to the ground. Everyone loves him. Look, people took a picture of him when he marched in Pride and he wasn’t even there for promotion, just because he felt strongly about supporting the community. He showed up for every game wearing a supporters group scarf this year that he autographs and auctions off to raise money for local schools. The guy is a freaking legend, I just wish he was actually a little bit better at the game of soccer.”

According to reports, Fitzgerald played infrequently this season as his tendency to switch off defensively in the midfield made him a liability. However, during the playoff run last season, he was instrumental in the defense.

“He isn’t the greatest on the field, but I honestly don’t care…. for the most part,” stated supporter Laura Ardo. “He’s a great guy, and an absolute legend… he just has a tendency to kinda… not pay attention some times, but he’s still a legend. Did you hear the story about how he grew out his hair in order to donate it to locks of love and then live streamed the haircut to raise money for a women’s shelter? God, I love him although I do wish he kept his head in the game.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the fans prepare a T.I.F.O display for Fitzgerald despite the protest of fan Jerry Smith who left a Facebook comment saying that he was tired of, “Fitzgerald’s constant virtue signaling when he should be working on completing passes and winning games..”

Andrew Hauptman Runs Chicago Fire Soccer Club Into Ground And Finally Leaves

CHICAGO - Voices of acclaim reached to the heavens as perennial leach and know-nothing owner Andrew Hauptman finally sold his share of the franchise rights of the Chicago Fire to someone else.

(Benjamin Ordaz/Hoy)

(Benjamin Ordaz/Hoy)

Andrew Hauptman leaves the Chicago Fire with a sterling resume of taking one of the best teams and fanbases in Major League Soccer and running them both into the ground.

During his 12 year reign as owner of the Chicago Fire, the team failed to win any competition and did not qualify for the Major League Soccer playoffs 7 of the 12 years. As well, the Fire did not qualify for the CONCACAF Champions League at any time.

The Fire finished dead last in the Eastern Conference three times and finished dead last in the league twice.

Prior to the takeover by Hauptman the Fire won MLS Cup once in 1998 and won the US Open Cup four times with the last time being the year before Hauptman assumed control of the team.

His presence will be mourned by virtually no Fire fan as the team repeatedly antagonized the fanbase of the Fire while producing very few moments of true excitement on the field. Going so far as to ban individual fans and supporters groups as well as encouraging the league to deny them supporters group privileges even during away games, Hauptman frequently antagonized the most passionate and only remaining fans that the Fire had left.

In 2013, with the team coming off two straight seasons towards the bottom of the east where they didn’t qualify for the playoffs, the Fire through their Communications Director posted, “The Editorial,” castigating their own fans. The Editorial was so bad that even now it’s been locked and made unavailable for the sake of posterity.

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No one should miss Andrew Hauptman and the totality of soccer in Chicago is immediately better for him being gone.

The Nutmeg News will have no more on him, congratulations Chicago.

"I'm Really Not Obsessed," Claims Woman Who Has Over 412 Photos Of Christen Press On Her Phone

Wichita, KS - USWNT superfan Ashley Williams stated, “I’m really not obsessed,” after it was disclosed that she has over 412 photos of Christen Press on her phone.

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“It’s not THAT bad,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I just re-catalog all the pictures that she takes and has taken on a separate Christen Press stan account on Instagram and on Twitter.”

Researchers indicate that @PressStan4Lyfe has over 1000 followers as the account ritualistically tweets out recent pictures of Press often notated with captions that have to do with everyone’s day to day life like, “When The Gram Is Lit.”

“Within my group of very passionate soccer fans I don’t find it is that weird,” stated Williams. “Why my friend Carla runs @tobinstan4lyfe and she has over 300 pictures of Tobin on that account. My other friend Brooklyn runs the @morganstan4lyfe account and she reposts every photo of Alex Morgan with the caption of Qween. I also have friends who take out of context photos of the USWNT players at training and make it look like they are in a relationship with hinting messages as to the possibility of them dating. It’s hard work but someone has to do it.”

According to friends, Williams has stopped doing an activity to download a picture of Press and then re-upload it to her social media.

“I took her hiking once and when a new Press picture came in she took 5 minutes to make certain that she re-posted the shot and then went back to hiking,” said good friend Angela Hughes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams attempts to get a photo with Press without showing the photo on her phone that she already photoshopped showing the two of them at the beach.

North Carolina Courage Unable To Convert Extra Point In 6-0 Win

Portland, OR - The North Carolina Courage were unable to convert the extra point, on Wednesday night, as their game against the Portland Thorns finished with a paltry 6-0 scoreline.

You just need the right kind of expert for these things.

You just need the right kind of expert for these things.

“You call this football?” stated Courage fan Debrah Hagins. “This is the kind of stuff that is embarrassing. You have one job and that job is to kick a ball. How do you not get the extra point?!”

Fans were aghast that a game could finish 6-0 but according to Courage fan Stephanie Halman she has grown to expect these types of results this season.

“Remember that game against Orlando where we got a safety and a field goal and still won the game? It isn’t always pretty, but we just need to get it done and stop judging whether we can convert these extra point chances.”

Thorns fans in Portland were equally incensed at the scoreline as they faulted their own team for not being able to respond with a touchdown.

“We kept trying to run the ball and we just needed a touchdown. This is some kind of horse shit,” stated Thorns fan Brandi Stewart.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage work on kicking drills all week to resolve the problem.

Last Houston Dynamo Fan Who Still Cares About 2019 Argues With Himself About Disastrous Season

Houston, TX - Eddie Sanchez, the last Houston Dynamo fan who still cares about 2019, reportedly spent all of Tuesday arguing with himself online about the future of the Dynamo’s season as everyone else he previously would speak with about the team decided to check out on this season with six games to go.

It could be worse…. you could be Vancouver or Cincinnati.

It could be worse…. you could be Vancouver or Cincinnati.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” stated Sanchez to himself online. “It’s clear that you haven’t watched the last two games. There were some positive things to take from the 5-1 loss to Dallas, and while I disagree with that hot take I made I agree with my ability to say those things about myself.”

According to fans of the Dynamo, most of them moved on to the start of the season for the Houston Texans, the end of a very good season for the Houston Astros, the possibility of hope for the Houston Rockets, the beginning of the English Premier League, and the continuation of the Liga MX season.

“I think Eddie is the only one left in the city who actually gives a shit about the 2019 Houston Dynamo,” stated ex season ticket holder Sandra Willis. “It’s commendable that he just continues to confront himself like there’s a fanbase still vested in a team that hasn’t won a game since July with an ownership group that seems to be running the team like a tax write-off.”

The Nutmeg News reached out to the Dynamo for comment however they declined to make a statement and instead sent us a number of pictures of James Harden in a Dynamo kit.

For his part, Mr. Sanchez stated that he gets why everyone has jumped off the bandwagon as the perpetually uninterested ownership group of the Dynamo sinks the team further and further into irrelevance.

“I get it, but I don’t agree with it,” stated Sanchez to our reporter. “If I have to carry that torch for the Dynamo by confronting myself about the fact that I disagree with the blog post I wrote about any playoff hope that could be possible in the last six games well then I will spend this time telling myself that I’m wrong.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez protests himself being in the stands.

Major League Soccer Announces Ban On Pride Flags

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced that the LGBTQ pride flag would be banned across the entirety of the league as they stated that the flag is inherently political and divisive among the general fanbase of Major League Soccer.

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Citing the use by, “extremists from ANTIFA, the Gay Liberation Front and rioters across North America,” Don Garber stated that the Pride flag could not possibly be used for any other purpose than division and political rhetoric.

“26% of the United States believes that Gay and Lesbian relationships between consenting adults should not be legal,” stated Commissioner Garber. “According to recent polling, 36 percent of the United States think that marriages between gay and lesbian couples should not be recognized. I think we need to understand that the constant use of the pride flag by fans that attend games at our venues is not being hospitable to a large number of Americans. We are talking about 117,720,000 people in the United States that we are turning away from soccer due to these flags. Honestly, that’s a lot of money.”

Shocked millennials stated they were surprised to find that Pride flags would be declared illegal and political as they stated that they didn’t find them political at all.

“How is pride political,” stated David Henderson (22) of Kansas City. “All we do for pride is go out and have fun and drink.”

For their part, however, Major League Soccer stated that they understood the difficulty that would come from removing the ubiquitous rainbow flags throughout the league.

“We call on our fans to abandon all their political ideals and just focus on sports,” stated Commissioner Garber. “We want to bring fans together and not isolate them. If we lose even one fan because of a trans flag or an LGBTQ banner then I consider that a very sad thing indeed.”.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.