Fans Ready To Welcome Players From The Superdraft To Their USL Affiliates For 1 To 2 Years

Fans across Major League Soccer are reportedly ready to welcome players acquired from the Superdraft for their MLS team to their USL affiliate teams for 1 to 2 years as the hype for the Superdraft hit an all time high.

superdraft.jpg

"We are talking about some great value for Bethlehem Steel before they end up playing for Rochester," stated Philadelphia Union fan David Throne. 

"I can't wait to remember that he is on the team when I turn on a stream from Rio Grande Valley FC," stated Houston Dynamo fan Erica Stewart.

"I predict 4 goals, 3 assists and at least 30 articles written about him on Sounder At Heart," stated Seattle Sounders fan Paul Isaacs.

"I'm already planning on starting a sub-fan group solely based on his hair," stated LA Galaxy fan Bill Reynolds.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these new recruits are showered with welcomes after they are drafted.

New Fan Shocked To Find That Soccer Is A Game And Not Just Legal/Political Maneuvering

Sandy Springs, GA - New soccer fan Karina Quisenberry was, reportedly, shocked to find out that soccer is actually a physical game played on a field and not just legal/political maneuvering.

Oh Kessler you..... you've got what I need..... so you say you'll litigate... so you say you'll litigate OH KESSLER YOU.

Oh Kessler you..... you've got what I need..... so you say you'll litigate... so you say you'll litigate OH KESSLER YOU.

"I started following soccer when I heard about the NASL lawsuit against the US Soccer Federation," stated Quisenberry to The Nutmeg News. "As a political wonk, it seemed like this was another thing for me to follow much like I pay attention to C-SPAN when there are debates in the Senate."

Quisenberry stated that she was delighted to find out that there was a number of actual "soccer teams" that were close to her after originally having only a rooting interest in the maneuvering of attorney Jeffrey Kessler. 

"I'm excited to watch an actual game. It must be something in order to have this much that surrounds the game although I must admit that I'll be sad to see the current season of politics end. I don't know who will win this current winter schedule of legal filings, but I'm intrigued by the possiblility of a new season of political wrangling in South Florida."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Quisenberry tries to find a way to purchase any team gear for the lobbyists that are working on behalf of a new stadium in Miami.

EDITORIAL: Our Endorsement For USSF President

When this publication convened our board of directors to speak out on the current election for US Soccer Federation President we looked at the best possible scenario for the Presidency of the US Soccer Federation (USSF) and whom we thought would be best steward of the game. As such, we make the following recommendation.

Cloud.jpg

For the first time in the 110 years of this publications history our editors unanimously endorsed nuking the whole thing from orbit and going back to watching soccer from afar.

We reached this decision lightly and with virtually no forethought after being added into an unbidden discussion about the qualification of soccer journalism, promotion/relegation, and what can only be called egomaniacal dick measuring in our Twitter mentions over the last few days.

Our board of directors, editors and writers announced that the only true thing that is 100% factual about soccer in the United States is that it is played in that country.

We endorse the option of nuking it all from orbit and going back to that time when your Uncle Vito brought back the pink pages of Gazzetta dello Sport and you had no clue how to pronounce Juventus.

Thank you,

The Editorial Staff of The Nutmeg News

Prospect Schedules Starbucks Interview For After NWSL Draft

Philadelphia, PA - Highly scouted women's soccer prospect Claire Reynolds stated that she scheduled her interview to be a Barista with Starbucks for 1:00 pm on Thursday, so as not to interfere with the NWSL Draft.

Expected to go in the first 15 picks of the draft, Reynolds stated that she knows she can't depend upon the league to provide a financial future for herself and is planning for multiple career options.

"If I don't get on the United States national team in a few years I'm not going to make any money," stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. "So I'm going to ensure that I'm positioned to make money during the NWSL season so I can afford a call-up if I get one, and this way I can have a secondary income stream when I get tired of trying to live off $15,000 for the year."

Reynolds states that she has already prepared her body for eating whatever food is available with the money that she has left after state taxes, government taxes, housing and bills leave her with less than $15 a day.

"It's important to be flexible. I need to ensure that I can have a career with Starbucks and I'm going against people that graduated from La Salle with a degree in English, so it won't be easy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Reynolds fails to get the job as she doesn't have enough coffee experience.

 

Denver Based Fan Of Club Leon Quickly Gentrifying Liga MX For Friends

Denver, CO - Denver based fan of Club Leon, Jeremiah Smith, is quickly gentrifying Liga MX for his friends as the former Rapids supporter went all-in on his love of Club Leon after the acquisition of Landon Donovan.

ClubLeon.jpg

"I really hadn't thought of supporting a Liga MX team before Jeremiah suggested it," stated good friend Brock Haverbrook. "It's pretty sweet, honestly. It's not the best team in the world, but I think if we can get some more air time in the United States, some different food options in the stadium and maybe some increased vacation packages to visit and see Landon we are going to get a lot more people on board."

Good friend Jessica Stevens stated that while she was originally a Manchester United and Chelsea fan, that she was considering picking up Club Leon as her team after Jeremiah promised that he was going to work with the club to add in United States supporter packages that catered to their fandom.

"He said that we would all get Club Leon branded Kombucha called Donovan's Green Desires," stated Stevens to The Nutmeg News. "That has me way more interested in Club Leon than I originally thought. Admittedly, I'm getting priced out of my Chelsea support, and it feels nice to get into a community like Club Leon where we are just starting to see it open up to English speaking audiences from the United States. It's a great fixer-upper club! I'm planning on telling all my friends about this unique opportunity to turn this hole in the wall Mexican soccer club into something great with some great international value."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stevens, Haverbrook and Smith start the first official English speaking Club Leon Hinchada and Social Club in LODO.

Real Salt Lake Trade Hewlett Packard Deskjet To D.C. United

Sandy, UT - Real Salt Lake announced a new trade, on Tuesday, sending Hewlett Packard Deskjet 2540 to D.C. United for targeted allocation money (TAM) and an international slot.

"Hand em the pink slip, Trey."

"Hand em the pink slip, Trey."

"We want to wish Deskjet the best of luck," stated General Manager Craig Waibel. "Real Salt Lake appreciates the years and effort put in by Deskjet and we believe this will be a beneficial trade for both parties."

The much vaunted prospect never was able to break into Real Salt Lake's regular lineup and sources indicate that the mid-season toner failure during Mike Petke's press conference was the final straw for the venerable printer.

"They never got over the mistakes that Deskjet made," stated office manager Paula Sanderson. "It would perform well in practice, but on the main stage it would frequently go toner low and disappear."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors surface of Real Salt Lake trying to purchase a Laserjet currently performing well for Getafe.

Federation That Banned Non-Violent Protest From Athletes Honors Champion Of Non-Violent Protest

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation, today, sent out a Dr. King tweet in an attempt at some poorly thought out compassionate branding not less than one year after banning athletes from non-violent protest during the national anthem.

We honor the legacy and dream, but only in that WAY off in the distant past kind of way. Not in a way that would actually honor the legacy and dream of Dr King carried out by current people and athletes.

We honor the legacy and dream, but only in that WAY off in the distant past kind of way. Not in a way that would actually honor the legacy and dream of Dr King carried out by current people and athletes.

The Federation, which intentionally issued a written mandate against non-violent empathetic protests by athletes, seemed to attempt to wrap their own idiotic nativist sentiments in the warm and fuzzy identity of Dr. King.

US Soccer stated that they weren't against people protesting as long as they were protesting benign things that they could use for market penetration like too many W's in Wondolowski's kit.

"We don't actually want people protesting like Dr. King or marching like Dr. King or speaking out on racial injustice like Dr. King," stated Sunil Gulati, very soon to be formerly of US Soccer. "We want athletes with a good Q rating that make people think USA-USA-USA-USA. We don't actually honor his legacy, we just need the branding. Anything to make people think of us and Dr. King in the same way whether or not we LITERALLY JUST BANNED PEOPLE FROM NON-VIOLENT PROTEST AND EMPATHETIC SUPPORT."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer attempts to show support for the LGBTQ community by re-tweeting a Harvey Milk quote and then telling athletes not to talk about their sexuality.

Philadelphia Union Fan Readies For 2018 Season By Preparing Novelty Protest Coffin With Two Coats Of Lacquer

Philadelphia, PA - Union fan William Riddle carefully readied for the 2018 season by prepping his novelty protest coffin with two coats of lacquer, to give it a lovely sheen. 

coffin.jpg

"It's important to be prepared to use a coffin again," stated Riddle to The Nutmeg News. "The last time we used this coffin for Sak it was a dull blue and hastily constructed. I'm really wanting this to have a shimmer and shine this season."

According to Riddle a liberal application of lacquer thinner, "helps improve the flow and leveling when applying lacquer so your finish is smooth and streak free. It's really going to make our protest against the Union ownership that much more classy and effective."

While Riddle sincerely hopes that he will not have to use the coffin again, the recent lack of moves by the Union has him busting out the fine grit sandpaper and finishing the novelty coffin with some detailed scroll work.

"We can protest Sugarman and all of his cronies, but do it in a really glamorous way. Gone are the days of ply-board coffins. It's all about that beautiful hand-made and artisinal coffins... y'know with some scroll work. It's a classy fuck you, this year."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Riddle waits to paint any messages on the coffin until he is absolutely certain who is at fault for 2018.

United States Fails To Qualify For E-Sports World Cup

WASHINGTON - In a shocking development, the United States E-Sports Men's National World Cup team (USEMNT) was knocked out by the E-Sports World Cup team from Trinidad and Tobago, on Friday, bringing an end to their 2017/2018 qualifying campaign.

"I couldn't believe it," stated Thad Newton, an e-sports star who goes by the online handle of BigFlappyButtPaddles. "I took the US into the final qualifying round for the tournament and we lost."

Reportedly, the USSF E-Sports division released a statement that they were disappointed in the result but if a few other games had gone differently in Rocket League and Hearthstone, they would have qualified with ease.

"We don't need to blow everything up," stated president of USSF E-Sports Mr. Senile Galabi. "We are obviously disappointed, but if E-Wondolowski doesn't miss his E-Shot in the E-World Cup in 2014, we would be world champions, so there's that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as up and coming e-sports star HAX0RL33Toverl0@d (Josiah Gutierrez, of Brownsville, TX) chooses to represent Mexico in the upcoming E-Sports World Cup, due to this loss.

"Some Of My Highest Yelp Rated Restaurants Are Mexican," States Xenophobic Soccer Fan

Dallas, TX - Despite a Facebook and Twitter feed filled with posts about soccer and policy that overstep the line between tolerance and xenophobic bigotry against people of Mexican descent, soccer fan Frank Weihauser stated that he does not really hate Mexicans, on Friday.

"I only like dual nationals if they are German and they choose the United States," stated Mr. Weihauser.

"I only like dual nationals if they are German and they choose the United States," stated Mr. Weihauser.

"I support the United States, the greatest country in the world, and I expect everyone else to support the United States regardless of where they are," stated Weihauser to The Nutmeg News. "Some of my highest Yelp rated restaurants are Mexican."

Weihauser reportedly was incensed when Jonathon Gonzalez chose Mexico over the United States as he repeatedly stated online, "just deport him if he loves it so much. We should do this to his parents and family."

Mr. Weihauser continued in a long winded Facebook post that received 5 likes on a US Soccer Fan Facebook group, "I don't hate Mexicans, I hate the Mexican national team, and most of the players, and most of their families, and the families they know in the United States, and I don't really like the three guys that live on my block, or the guy that I see downtown, but I'm not bigoted against Mexicans.... It's just sports."

Reportedly wanting to keep America and America's institutions for American's, the American of German descent ranted all day about another American of Mexican descent indicating, "He doesn't love this country, you can tell. Love it or leave it. And by love it, I mean be like me and hate anyone trying to get in or anyone from another backgrounds that values another country at all. In fact, you know what, it's probably better you just leave it. America. Leave it. That's our new slogan. But don't leave it if you trained for soccer here, if that's the case then stay and allow me to dislike you in a different way."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Weihauser gets verde sauce on his Burrito at La Victoria, later.

NWSL Suspends 2018 Season After Finding That Teams Can Use Tactics

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) reportedly suspended the 2018 season after finding out that teams within the league can use TACTICS.

Photo: Ann Odong - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sam-kerr-2017-algarve.jpg

Photo: Ann Odong - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sam-kerr-2017-algarve.jpg

"We were unaware of TACTICS until we read a recent article on gossip and news website AllTheShitThatFitsToPrint.com," stated managing director of operations Amanda Duffy. "A number of coaches and players reached out to us asking whether they could use tactics and we realized there was a problem."

According to the bylaws of the NWSL, TACTICS are prohibited for a team unless administered by a man and overseen by a tribunal of men known as the BroVersight Committee.

"We made certain that women wouldn't be confused by tactics," stated BroVersight Committee member Thomas London. "We know that the women on our teams just don't know that they are in a position, out there. We tell the players about a 4-4-2 or 4-2-3-1 position; and they blankly look at us while slowly returning to their jump squats, deadlifts and Mixed Martial Arts combat training."

According to inside sources, the NWSL will shut down for the entirety of the 2018 season until it has enough men running their teams so that the clueless women on the field can be correctly observed implementing TACTICS in an appropriate manner.

As well, according to USSF guidelines, the women will be required to watch the entire 2018 World Cup Qualifying campaign for the US Men's National Team to learn what real tactical implementation looks like.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TACTICS go wrong and NWSL players just aimlessly run around in circles.

Orlando Pride Fan Still, STILL Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume

Tampa, FL - Earlier this year, The Nutmeg News reported on Orlando Pride fan Heather Pulaski who was waiting for the Orlando Pride v Seattle Reign stream to resume after riding out Hurricane Irma.

STILL waiting!!

STILL waiting!!

We checked back in on Pulaski to find that she is still waiting for the stream to resume in her quixotic quest to watch the end of the game she started over four months ago.

"So after the hurricane I struck around waiting for the stream to start again," stated Pulaski from our interview with her at The Blind Tiger Coffee Shop in Ybor City. "We rebuilt. The waters receded. I claimed a few things to insurance that I lost in a storage locker. I went to my moms house for a bit. I quit my job to focus on something that I loved. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for the stream to resume."

Pulaski stated that she has intentionally taken a four month leave of social media and the internet in an attempt to focus on not having the game spoiled as she still waits for the streaming service to resume.

"If I'm patient, it will happen," stated Pulaski for the 486th time. "Go90 are good, Go90 won't abandon me. Their will be done. We shall find the peace and the time for the resumption when my duties to the holy rotating wheel are good enough to bless my countenance with the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Pulaski sacrifices a chicken in an attempt to please the streaming gods.

Grown Man Successfully Spends Only 7 Hours Of His Work Day Arguing On Social Media About Commitment Of Jonathan Gonzalez

Tallahassee, FL - Steve Marshall, aged 38, successfully spent only 7 hours of his 8 hour work day arguing about the dedication of 18 year old Jonathan Gonzalez on Big Soccer, Reddit, Facebook and Twitter before calling it a day, browsing LinkedIN, and heading home for the evening.

THAT'LL show that freeloader about taking up a spot for deserving people.

THAT'LL show that freeloader about taking up a spot for deserving people.

"I told myself that I was going to cut down on how much time I spend arguing on line and I managed to not do it all day," stated Marshall to The Nutmeg News. "I spent about 30 minutes responding to email, and an additional 30 in the bathroom scanning Instagram for pictures of half naked fitness models."

Marshall stated that his Tuesday wasn't so busy that he couldn't take 7 hours out of his scheduled 8 hour shift for Intertech Amalgamated to anonymously rant about the nationality of Gonzalez and dig up salacious rumors about his commitment.

"HE IS A FREELOADER," stated Marshall as he continued to surf online for new jobs. "A FUCKING FREELOADER."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marshall plans on spending only 3 hours ranting on Gonzalez during his Wednesday shift as he plans an additional 4 hours of ranting on the United States holding soccer games in predominantly Hispanic community areas.

John Herdman Demoted To Canadian Men's Soccer After Women's Team Failures

OTTAWA - Late night bulletins out of Ottawa indicate that former Women's soccer coach John Herdman was demoted to the Canadian Men's team after failures in the Algarve cup doomed his team career.

Herdman.jpg

"We wish John all the best," stated Canadian Soccer Association President Steve Reed. "He was unable to secure the trophy we want the most in the Algarve Cup. There must be penalties for failure and his penalty, while understandably harsh, will also reflect the severity of his transgression."

Reports state that Herdman was taking his demotion well but that he failed to notify any of his players to this shame as he walked across the locker room to take over a Canadian Men's program that last made the World Cup in 1986.

"Yes, this is a World Cup qualifying year," stated Reed to The Nutmeg News. "However we needed to immediately make this decision. It was important to us to do this so fast that we were unable to notify anyone to the switch despite the fact that contract negotiations and decisions like this are made over the course of weeks and months rather than just immediately."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the last Canadian Women's National Team member is notified via telegram of Herdman's departure.

Soccer Supporter Quits Twitter For Record 146th Time

Boston, MA - Revolution supporter Heather Stephens stated to friends that she decided to quit Twitter and deactivate her @NERevs4Me146 account for the 146th time dethroning current Guinness World Record holder Dominic Fellows who quit soccer twitter for the 145th time during the US game against Trinidad and Tobago.

DO IT..... DO IT!

DO IT..... DO IT!

"Twitter just makes me incredibly depressed," stated Stephens to The Nutmeg News. "From politics and the dumpster fire in Washington to my team just messing around when others are picking up players in private jets.... ugh..... I just don't want it anymore. Have you SEEN the #NEREVS hashtag? HAVE YOU? God, no... I don't need another season of this."

Sources indicate that the other 145 times that Stephens quit Twitter she was quickly back on the service within 3 months after realizing she was missing her soccer friends that weren't local.

"This time I'm figuring out how to contact people without needing the service. There needs to be some messaging app that isn't text messaging where I can chat with people," stated Ms Stephens to The Nutmeg News. "I'm simultaneously tired of people but also need them. It's a delicate situation. There were 145 @NERevs4Me accounts and I KNOW that THIS TIME I won't cave and make a 147th account." 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Stephens creates @NERevs4Me147 in 2 months.

Fan Of NASL Team Waiting For League Proof Of Life

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan Jim Lovatt stated that while some of his friends were celebrating the release of the Major League Soccer (MLS) schedule that he was still waiting for a proof of life from the North American Soccer League (NASL).

YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"The last thing the league really sent out about the upcoming year was information on the letter sent to the US Soccer Federation about the upcoming presidential election," stated Lovatt to The Nutmeg News. "That literally does nothing for me other than making me anxious about the theoretical upcoming 2018 season."

Lovatt admitted that his attempt to plan out his vacations and personal obligations for 2018 lead to this anxiety as he stated, "I don't know if I'll be watching a team or mourning the death of a league or going to more Division 3 games in the future, or just taking a lot more vacation time this year for actual vacations. I just want some kind of indication that everything is going to continue where the signs are more than a bunch of millionaires sparring about the future of my team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lovatt dresses himself in all his team gear and rocks back and forth in a corner for 30 minutes.

Man Wearing Front Office Gear Betrays Scene

San Jose, CA - Reports from Jody Steinwick's New Year's party indicate that soccer fanatic Paul Sanders totally betrayed the whole fucking scene by wearing front office gear to the late night bash.

Earthquakes.jpg

"Paul is a fucking sellout," raged capo Ben Ross. "He wears supporters gear for the rest of the year, but then shows up with an Earthquakes t-shirt? What a fucking poser."

We spoke with scene legend and resident Earthquakes crank Cameron Anderson who stated that he, "Always knew that Paul was a fucking noob. A FUCKING SELLOUT NOOB," as he smashed his fist down dramatically to illustrate his point.

Sanders, reportedly, was running late to the party and needed something to wear grabbing the only clean t-shirt out of his drawer without realizing his mistake. The knowledge of this being the case did nothing to sway the opinions of the guardians of the soccer scene who realized quickly that his disastrous t-shirt grab only exacerbated the feelings they already had about Mr. Sanders.

"If he was a real soccer ultra he would have showed up to the party without a shirt after realizing his mistake," stated a fan who didn't wish to be identified. "True ultras don't need anything to show their passion."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders overcompensates in 2018 in order to fix his street cred.

Early Schedule Release Angers Fans Looking For Stupid Drama

The early schedule release by Major League Soccer (MLS) angered a large section of soccer fans in the United States who were hoping for endless weeks of pithy drama about the schedule not being out, yet.

sad.jpg

"I had MEMES," stated David Hathaway of Brooklyn, NY. "MEMES. Arm loads of MEMES and shitposting to do about this and they release the schedule four days into 2018!? What am I supposed to do with all this," he stated as he pantomimed putting imaginary memes and posts onto a table.

According to insiders affiliated with Twitter, the announcement of the MLS schedule being released on Thursday forced the deletion of over 100 Tweet drafts having to do with the delayed schedule announcement.

"What am I supposed to do now?" asked veteran shitposter Pete Norman. "All I had left was making fun of the league for not having the schedule out. Now all that is really left is making fun of the fans of my own team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one brave person decides to forge against the tide and pretend like the schedule is late anyway.

Major League Soccer Releases Columbus Crew Death Kit

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, released the Columbus Crew death kit for their final 2019 season before they move to Austin.

The kit comes in funeral colors as the Crew Ownership and Major League Soccer quickly attempt to shovel dirt on the franchise in their attempt to move the team somewhere where they can be more profitable.

"The black color is an attempt to evoke death," stated Adidas kit designer Jesse Cabalero. "Major League Soccer said that we needed a somber kit reminiscent of a team heading off on a year long funeral procession and we delivered."

Fans say that the black kit is likely the most appropriate thing the league has done since they decided to screw every Crew fan in the world, over the past few years.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Crew switch their walk out song to The End by The Doors.