Atlanta United Sell Greg Garza In Order To Fund, "Making It Rain," At Magic City

Atlanta, GA - The front office of Atlanta United, the 2018 MLS Cup Champion, traded off left back Greg Garza, today, in order to fund, “making it rain,” on the Philip F. Anschutz trophy at the Atlanta strip club Magic City.

 WHERE INDEED!

WHERE INDEED!

“We had a great time last night,” stated one Atlanta United front office staff who for some reason really wanted to remain anonymous. “And we made it rain a little bit, but we wanna go to that Big Boi level and really set the place off.”

The Atlanta United team visited the local strip club and entertained the dancers and patrons alike with the cup as they enjoyed some lascivious entertainment after their championship parade.

However, locals report that the team quickly ran out of money when they attempted to “big time” the ladies on the stage and made a necessary call.

“If the boys need to make it rain, we will make it rain,” stated one anonymous Atlanta United front office member. “We called up Cincinnati on the spot and within an hour or two we had some TAM to transition into some real money. We are going to use that Garza money there and at the Clermont, later.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United consider trading Brad Guzan for a trip into the Champagne Room.

Merritt Paulson Quits Twitter For Record 63rd Time

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson announced that he was leaving the social media platform Twitter for the 63rd time as he bid adieu to Twitter, deleted the app, re-installed the program, and then deleted the original quitting notification, then re-posted it again, deleted the app, and thought about re-installing it before getting an email about off-season player acquisition strategies.

MPquit.jpg

“This puts Paulson in rarefied air,” stated Twitter statistician Boris Gudjonson. “While we have experience a variety of Twitter celebrities leaving and coming back over the years, Paulson’s frequent departures put him up there with unverified Twitter user Jeremiah @BongHitsForJesus Smith of Oklahoma who left the program 64 times over the past year due to rage quitting after reading Donald Trump tweets.

Fans state that they are shocked Paulson is leaving as this is the first time that he has ever even remotely threatened anything like this.

“How will I cope if I cannot read the words,” stated Timbers fan Paul Sanchez. “Where will I get my information that I pass off as insider information to my friends? How will this all work out?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson returns and then quits again before anyone actually knows that he was even back on the platform.

Atlanta United Announce Victory Parade For 2019 Season As well

Atlanta, GA - After owner Arthur Blank announced Atlanta United’s victory parade for the 2018 MLS Cup that hasn’t been played, he also announced the upcoming victory parade of 2019 MLS Cup stating, “WE ARE GOING BACK TO BACK.”

Blank.jpg

Reporters say that the energetic Blank was roaming the stage daring everyone and anyone to say anything to him after announcing a win in 2018 and 2019.

“WE ARE GONNA WIN THIS GAME ON SATURDAY, HAVE A VICTORY PARADE AND THEN WIN THE CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE AND THEN THE LEAGUE IN 2019 AGAIN,” stated a loud Blank who proceeded to become winded and sit down. “Yes, you heard that right. We are planning the parade, we have the merchandise printed up and we are READY TO GO!”

According to league sources, Blank asked that the game just be considered an Atlanta United victory so the team could hold the parade on Saturday to increase the attendance.

“I don’t want this 2018 MLS Cup Victory Parade to conflict with church on Sunday or work on Monday,” stated Blank to The Nutmeg News. “We all know that we are gonna win this thing, so why not just have Portland forfeit the game and let’s call it a day.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United fans react absolutely positively to this breaking news.

USMNT Fan Planning On Waking Up Even Earlier Than 2018 Tournament To Watch World Cup Without United States

Omaha, NE - After hearing the games could start at 4:00 AM during the 2022 Qatar World Cup, United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) soccer fan Chaz Anderson III stated that that he would plan on waking up even earlier than 2018 to watch a world cup without the United States participating.

Rae.jpg

“I’m planning on my 3:00, 4:00 maybe even 2:00 am wake up times, BOYS!” stated Anderson to his friends. “The United States probably won’t make it again, but that’s not going to stop me from waking up early and crying about the fact that we didn’t make it to all the other people on Twitter at that time.”

According to friends, Anderson woke himself and his frathouse up every morning with a massive, “USA - USA - USA,” chant to watch the games in Russia despite the United States missing the tournament.

“Bro, this won’t stop me, ok?” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I won’t stop like the U.S.A. FUCK YEA won’t stop ever except that time where we stopped against Trinidad and Tobago and I don’t want to talk about that because that place is a shithole, ya dig? MY BOI PREZ!”

With his patriotism at an all time high, Anderson boldly proclaimed that the US would make the next World Cup but that if they didn’t that he would complain very loudly and still watch the World Cup but just compare every single team to the United States as he did six months ago.

“Yeah, bro, it’s gonna be epic. We gonna get on that 3:00 drink drink drink juice it up with the fancy brews and that super styled out wild party madness.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson graduates and tries to put the pieces of his post college life together so that by 2022 he isn’t sitting in an apartment by himself eating bacon from the microwave and watching “what could’ve been” videos of Christian Pulisic’s national team career.


Timbers Fan Talks About How Much Better It Was Way Back In MLS Cup 2015

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Randy “Bugz” Smithe reportedly waxed nostalgic about MLS Cup 2015 as he spoke about not attending MLS Cup 2018 to his group of friends at the new Kombucha Speakeasy that opened up 20 minutes ago in his SE Portland apartment building on Monday evening.

2015Cup.jpg

“Oh man, those were the times when you could really get to know people and it wasn’t all this corporate bullshit there is now,” stated Smithe to the group of friends that spent the day discussing how the patriarchy influenced local donut shops in the area. “We were all really bonded back then, not like now where it’s everyone for themselves.”

Smithe was ranting based upon a single tweet that he read online that incensed him so fully that he took his disgust to his close circle of friends that tolerate his ever growing beard and clear rimmed glasses.

“I remember when you could get an apartment in South East for $1300 a month and you could see Vance Joy in downtown and now it’s all this band that I don’t care about and the Timbers in this Sponsored MLS Cup bullshit. I didn’t move here in 2014 to watch everything I loved about this town disappear because my team became good. I lived through that season.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smithe doesn’t attend a watch party because it’s just too much capitalistic group think.


Sponsored Atlanta United MLS Cup T.I.F.O To Read "Eat Mor Chikin"

Atlanta, GA - After revealing that their Eastern Conference Final T.I.F.O was offset with sponsorship dollars, Atlanta United supporters groups stated that in payback for the financial help that their MLS Cup Final T.I.F.O will read “Eat Mor Chikin” as an advertisement for their secret benefactor Chick-fil-A.

chikin.jpg

“This is part a of a deal that we made to obtain the financing in the first place,” stated one anonymous Terminus Legion member. “We weren’t 100% certain that we were going to make the finals when the contract was signed so it’s a bit unfortunate, but honestly we are tying this into some other clever two-sticks that will really play on the Timbers being chicken.”

Sources within the Atlanta United supporters groups state that while they aren’t entirely satisfied that their finals T.I.F.O will be a sponsored message that at least they are advertising local for a company based out of College Park, Georgia.

“Ok, so we aren’t supposed to use sponsored dollars? Whatever. I’ll gladly take a little third party money even if it means we need to advertise the new concept store opening in Nashville that will allow you to order catering and delivery in a 5,800 square-foot location where 4,200 square-feet of that location will be dedicated to kitchen space. That’s more than two times the size of a normal Chick-fil-A kitchen! Anyway, go Atlanta United and Eat Mor Chikin!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Clermont Lounge becomes the official club of section 135.


Soccer Journalists Celebrate Finally Being Able To Turn In Berhalter To USMNT Columns

Soccer journalists the country over exhaled and celebrated as they were finally able to turn in their Berhalter to the United States men’s team columns that they first wrote over two years ago when Jurgen Klinsmann was fired from the position on the 21st of November 2016.

Celebrate.jpg

“I had to update all the dates and times like 10 times,” stated Sports illustrated writer David Hughes. “It’s been sitting in my drafts for like a year and a half now.”

Editor Langdon Howard stated that he almost submitted the column twice because he thought the announcement was imminent so he actually missed the initial deadline today because he couldn’t believe it was finally happening.

“It’s over? It’s finally over?” stated Howard to The Nutmeg News. “Holy shit, wait… you’ve got to be kidding me, did they actually announce this? No. Really? Ok, don’t take offense at this but I’m going to need to verify because this has been a long time coming.”

Washington Post writer Dash Lonely celebrated by opening up a celebratory bottle of vintage Cutty Sark and starting to drink before he quickly worked on submitting his column and updating his resume in case they decided to simultaneously fire him in a downsizing move for the company.

“HELL YEAH! THE WAIT IS OVER,” yelled Lonely as he updated his LinkedIN profile. "I can’t wait until I get a chance to write the postmortem on his career. I’m just going to copy/paste from my two different Bruce Arena columns.”

The Nutmeg News will have more this when Berhalter moves on to a better job coaching the USWNT.

Atlanta United Fan Begins Second Attempt At Explaining CONCACAF Champions League To Friend

Atlanta, GA - Fully overjoyed after Atlanta United beat Red Bull New York to advance to MLS Cup, soccer fan Paul Anderson began a second attempt to explain the CONCACAF Champions league to good friend and casual soccer fan David Thornberry.

 “Ok, so admittedly the qualification standards HAVE changed massively, but allow me to demonstrate via this prepared power point presentation exactly the differences over the past 10 years.”

“Ok, so admittedly the qualification standards HAVE changed massively, but allow me to demonstrate via this prepared power point presentation exactly the differences over the past 10 years.”

“The first time didn’t go so well as I had to start with the whole tournament outside the tournament that is a different one than the league or the US Open Cup,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “It was hard enough for him to understand the whole tournament outside the season thing when I explained that back in May, but then I tried to explain the second tournament we qualified for in October and David’s eyes started glazing over.”

Anderson reportedly brought out a white board to explain the concept of multiple tournaments in soccer while showing that Atlanta United would be playing in not only MLS, but the US Open Cup and the CONCACAF Champions league in 2019.

“And over here we see how I’ve illustrated the qualification process for other teams from other nations that do not include teams from CONMEBOL,” stated Anderson to Thornberry.

Thornberry reportedly asked what CONMEBOL was before instantaneously regretting the decision as Anderson erased all the work he already performed on the whiteboard and started drawing a crude map of the world that would allow him to indicate how the structure of soccer has different confederations throughout the entirety of the world.

“And those different confederations participate in international competitions that aren’t international like we use international to describe international players, but rather club tournaments that are played internationally but not by countries…. ok, so back to the CONCACAF Champions league,” rambled Anderson.

For his part, Thornberry admitted that he checked out of the entire conversation until Anderson brought up that they could go to Costa Rica for a game and, “maybe spend some time surfing or at the beach.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thornberry just asks to be told whenever this stuff is happening.

Husband Of Alex Morgan Released From Local Team

LOS ANGELES - The husband of international superstar Alex Morgan was reportedly released by his local team, today, as part of an end of season roster reshaping.

Alex_morgan_2016.jpg

Ms. Morgan stated that she was in support of the efforts of her husband to make a go of his professional sports dream as eagle-eye spotters note that she frequently took to watching his games while she focused on competing for the United States and her local club during the 2018 season.

“It’s been a good year for me,” stated Ms. Morgan who finished 2018 with 18 goals for her country. “And I hope to be able to take that momentum in to the 2019 season and the World Cup.”

Sources indicate that Morgan’s husband expects to be picked up by another team during the 2019 season although they indicate that they hope he can find time to balance his home life and his work endeavors while continuing the relationship he has with Ms. Morgan.

“Family is important to me,” stated Ms. Morgan. “And, of course, we are enthusiastic supporters of both our careers as it relates to soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Morgan announces her preference for future teams for her husband.

Soccer Fan Brushes Up On NFL Talking Points Before Heading Home For Thanksgiving

LOS ANGELES - LAFC fan Dominic Byrd brushed up on the current National Football League (NFL) talking points and standings before heading to his childhood home in Dallas, TX as the soccer fan attempted to remember the facts he learned from a quick google search so he can have conversations with his dad, mom, sisters, cousins and brothers this Thanksgiving.

“Ok, I guess the Rams are playing here now?” stated a confused Byrd as he packed up his suitcase and grabbed his 3252 themed phone case. “And I guess they are playing well? Maybe I’ll just lead with the improbability of that and hope no one asks any questions.”

Byrd’s family are all die-hard Dallas Cowboys fans with the exception of his cousin Brad who remains a fan of the Green Bay Packers.

“Going home is an eternal reminder that soccer just isn’t popular with white people in Dallas,” stated Byrd. “I just need to remember a few things so that I can have a conversation when I get there.”

Byrd reportedly kept repeating the word, “Mahomes,” as he ordered a Lyft to the airport. He also added one piece of Dallas Cowboys merchandise to his LAFC scarf, LAFC credit card, LAFC colorway Adidas shoes and LAFC training top polo as he pulled on a Cowboys beanie in honor of his family roots.

“The last time I wore this thing was for Christmas,” stated Byrd.

For their part, Byrd’s family is excited to see him again as they worried about whether he is eating well in Los Angeles and whether the Cowboys can make the playoffs.

“God I hope he doesn’t try to bring up Rugby again,” stated Sandra Byrd, Dominic’s mother. “Christmas it was all about Rugby this and rugby that. It’s not a middle ground, Dom. There doesn’t need to be a middle ground. We don’t care about Rugby. We aren’t going to care about Rugby. Us watching a documentary on Rugby isn’t going to make us understand this obsession he has with…. ugh… Soccer. STOP WITH THE RUGBY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Byrd initiates another conversation about how he, “just can’t understand why Rugby isn’t the biggest sport in the United States. It’s the best parts of soccer AND football.”


Soccer Fans Admit They Are Better Friends On Twitter Than In Real Life

Seattle, WA - Soccer fans Wes Phillips (@DocSoc) and Hector Gomez (@vamosfuerzaverde) admitted that they are better friends on Twitter than in real life as their sassy back and forth banter on the internet is infrequently replicated at Sounders games.

 “He’s gonna love this. I hope I don’t run into him, though.”

“He’s gonna love this. I hope I don’t run into him, though.”

“We don’t really hang out at games and it’s never quite the same when we do,” stated Phillips to The Nutmeg News. “But man, when we get online it’s a lot a fun.”

Phillips and Gomez make inside jokes with each other, shares memes and gifs, and collaborate on hilarious Twitter threads that net them many followers who simply enjoy their back and forth repartee.

“He’s a good guy, but when we get together in real life it’s just awkward,” stated Gomez to our reporter. “I guess we use all the good stuff online so when we get together we don’t really have anything else to talk about. I can’t share a meme with him in real life.”

While both men admit they enjoy the company of each other, neither make it a point to spend time getting to know the other as their relationship blossomed online due to bad jokes and innuendo.

“Yeah, in the beginning I was like…. who is this guy?” stated Phillips. “but then I was like, Oh, yeah… THIS guy. In real life, though… it’s like… who is this guy? It’s nuts.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gomez and Philips run into each other on Occidental Avenue and avoid each others gaze.


Marouane Fellaini Donates Hair To Balding Footballers Fund

MANCHESTER - Manchester United forward Marouane Fellaini announced, today, that he would donate his signature hair to the Balding Footballers Fund in order to draw awareness to the balding footballer epidemic currently sweeping the world.

Head.png

“It’s important for others to have the same follicle opportunity that I’ve had in my life,” stated Fellaini to The Nutmeg News. “Not everyone is gifted with the same hair opportunities and It’s my turn to give back.”

Anonymous reports indicate that the Fellaini hair is already in high demand with several balding or shaved head players requesting utilization of the recently donated locks.

 Artist’s Rendering

Artist’s Rendering

“It brings me great joy to know that my hair will live on with others that are less fortunate than me,” stated Fellaini. “What is a footballer without his ego? What is his ego without his hair? Can we destroy the ego without destroying the hair? Can we build up the hair and in doing-so create the ego? As Sartre once said, ‘By the mere appearance of the Other, I am put in the position of passing judgment on myself as on an object, for it is as an object that I appear to the Other.’ We must define the hair, the other, the ego and the superego and find the combination that shows the conscious self.”

 Artist’s Rendering

Artist’s Rendering

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next player to utilize Fellaini’s hair is given a suspension by the Football Association for an “inadvertent elbow”.

Writer Submits Brand Exposure To Pay Rent

WASHINGTON - Freelance sports and soccer writer Desmond Hughes notated and submitted his accrued “brand exposure” from various blogs for whom he wrote for free over the past year to his rental company as his monthly deadline to pay rent lurched ever closer towards a late fee, on Wednesday.

emptypockets.jpg

Hughes tabulated all the different websites that utilized his content and paid him in exposure before submitting an email full of press clippings, analytics and click-through statistics to Metro Property Rental with the notation, “payment for rent,” before calling it a day and heading off to celebrate with a bowl of instant ramen noodles.

“I finally made it,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “I’m utilizing all the tools that I generated over the past 10 years to be able to make a living where I can pay my rent and my groceries by virtue of my writing career.”

Hughes, a veteran Lyft driver, stated that his long term goal to make a living by writing about sports was finally realized when he got some great exposure from a 2300 word column he wrote on Landon Donovan for a blog on the United States Men’s National Team during the 2017 hexagonal tournament.

“I was paid so much in exposure that I treated myself to some tic-tacs,” stated Hughes. “I was just rolling in exposure. I gained about 150 followers on Twitter within a few hours and my engagement statistics were off the charts!”

According to friends and family, most are unaware of the expansive fortune in exposure amassed by Mr. Hughes as they continually asked whether he was considering going back to college for teaching, business or maybe even welding.

However, an exuberant Hughes screenshot his latest income of exposure as he lined up a way to pay for his upcoming gas purchase with all the exposure he recently received for an expansive and heavily researched SB Nation article on the coaching search for the United States Men’s team.

“I’m just going to show the store owner all the plaudits I got,” stated Hughes. “That should be good for a full tank at least.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an emotional Hughes pulls the last working credit card from his wallet to buy $10 worth of gas and a sandwich for lunch.

MLS Newcomer Of The Year Hoping For European Move

LOS ANGELES - The Major League Soccer Newcomer Of The Year, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, is reportedly hoping for a move to a top European team after his successful 2018 season where he netted 22 goals and 6 assists.

Newcomer.jpg

“Zlatan and I are currently looking at all our options,” stated player agent Ralph Steadman who also manages a chain of Boston Markets in the Providence area.

Rumors indicate that the newly crowned Ibrahimovic is eager to play in Europe with teams like Brøndby IF in the Danish Superliga admitting it could use the help of the fresh faced 37 year old youngster.

“We are interested in anyone who could help our team,” stated Danish soccer fan Aarhus Anderson. “If this so-called Zlatan can contribute to the MLS then certainly he could put in a few goals here.”

Skeptics say that Mr. Ibrahimovic has only had one good season with LA Galaxy as he didn’t even play for the side in 2017.

“We are not going to be basing our transfer methodology on one good season,” stated scout Yannick Dorsun. “Let’s see him try this for a few seasons with his local club before he moves to a more advanced league. There’s been plenty of American soccer players who haven’t handled the pressure that comes with playing in a European league.”

None of this stopped Major League Soccer from promoting the skills of the 37 year old rookie as many league affiliated observers claim that he could play in the top leagues in the world in the future.

“I can see a great career for him at 38, 39, and maybe even 40,” stated sports writer Howard Torburt. “What a promising talent! I hope the Galaxy bring him along slow so that he doesn’t get too much publicity and then flame out from the pressure. They need to really protect this lad.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cristiano Ronaldo marks down a new goal of winning Newcomer Of The Year.

George R.R. Martin Asks Major League Soccer To Hurry Up With The Playoffs

Santa Fe, NM - Author and soccer fan George R.R. Martin reportedly sent a lengthy hand-written letter to Major League Soccer (MLS) asking them to speed up the playoffs as the impatient fan awaited the conference championships in two weeks time.

martin.jpg

“"This is your job,” wrote the vociferous author. “Your job is to entertain us. If you let the gap between entertainment widen too much people are going to move onto other authors.. i mean sports."

According to friends and family, Martin was enthralled with the Western and Eastern conference matchups as he intentionally avoided working on the new Game Of Thrones book The Winds Of Winter by watching the Cascadia matchup, RSL v SKC, Atlanta United v NYCFC and Red Bull New York v Columbus Crew.

“He was supposed to deliver two pages from the 45th chapter,” stated literary agent Delmont Lambreaux. “Instead, all I received was a lengthy essay on exactly what Mike Petke was going after by benching Justen Glad.”

With MLS scheduling that feels like an eternity between the semi-finals and the conference finals and MLS Cup, the writer of the Game of Thrones epics was reportedly very upset that the two week break would force him to confront his perpetual anxiety over the description of the type of rye bread served during a four hour dinner between an innkeeper and the 14th cousin of Jaime Lannister.

“I just want to keep the momentum going again from these playoffs series,” stated Martin when we reached out to him. “I don’t think anyone is going to remember the intensity of the situation if the games aren’t going to be played until Thanksgiving. What about all the plot points? Who is going to remember those?! No one is going to go back and re-watch all the games right before the next round. Sure, we will all CLAIM to do that, but I’m not re-watching first round games just so I can remember how I’m supposed to feel when the games go again. At this point, I'm just going to run the playoffs in FIFA this weekend and call it good. I’m not certain that I have time to wait until the actual games."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martin turns in four more pages from The Winds Of Winter that include impassioned speech given by Daenerys Targaryn about V.A.R and the offside rule.


Atlanta Man Dooms Atlanta United After He Forgets To Vote In Twitter Poll

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Todd Richardson actually forgot to vote for Atlanta United in the Major League Soccer (MLS) Twitter poll thus ensuring the local side will not win MLS Cup this year.

Poll3.jpg


”I forgot, HONEST,” stated Richardson to The Nutmeg News. “I was voting for player of the game, Audi ball boy of the game, American Family Insurance policy of the game, play of the game, player of the game that was on the bench and fan of the game brought to you by Doritos.”

Richardson’s futile attempts to apologize were not accepted by his fellow fans as the slow realization that they are viewing the death of their season due to his inability to tweetvote washed over the 70,000 fans that were in attendance.

“GOD DAMMIT TODD,” stated Paula Harris who only learned about this one minute ago. “You screwed us! You screwed us all!”

Statisticians say that Richardson’s inadvertent gaffe will long resonate as it was clear that his Tweet metrics kept alive the hope in Atlanta for the past few months.

“Todd was very good at influencing the game results via his Twitter voting,” stated Paul Harris, director of stats and bratwurst at the University of Joliet. “It is unfortunate that due to his inability to remember to Tweet #VoteATLUTD that the team is now screwed, but here we are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Richardson attempts to right his wrong by VotingTATA for whatever he can.

Podcast Equipment Now Worth More Than Podcaster's Car

LOS ANGELES - After a recent purchase was made on a newly activated credit card, MLS podcaster Paul Brown admitted that his podcast equipment is now worth more than the 1989 Buick Lesabre that he drives every day for work.

 Only 194,000 miles!

Only 194,000 miles!

“Yeah, the two Shure SM7B microphones that I just ordered are definitely worth more than my car not to mention the computer, the editing software and all the cabling/soundproofing in my apartment” stated Brown to The Nutmeg News.

Brown was spurred to make the giant leap forward in sound quality as he recently stated, “gotta spend money to make money,” before he clicked on the purchase button on his Amazon order that would put him in debt for the next 4 years.

“If I’m going to make it in this business of talking to fans about soccer then all of you, the listeners, need to be able to hear what I say,” stated Brown to his dozens of fans as he spoke on a special Patreon fund raising podcast detailing the upgrades to his equipment. “That’s why it’s important to support community radio …. like me. So please give … to me… because the interest rate on this is crazy.”

With the heavy investment into his hobby, Brown admitted that he was now locked into podcasting about soccer for the indefinite future, but he was bullish on his chances of making a career at the hobby as he stated, “Soccer is the sport of the future! They’ve been saying that for 50 years so it’s going to be right one of these years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brown tries to calculate how much he is going to need to replace the brake pads on his car versus how much he will need to spend on a baffle to improve his soundproofing.

Racist And White Nationalist NYCFC Fans Decry, "Online Bullies," As Being, "Nazis, But Not The Kind We Love"

NEW YORK - Racist, white nationalist New York City FC (NYCFC) fans reportedly were very upset that their cover was blown and their information distributed online as they called out the so-called, “online bullies,” as being, “Nazis, but not the kind we love.”

 from http://nycfootballsolidarity.org/TRUEBLUES.pdf

from http://nycfootballsolidarity.org/TRUEBLUES.pdf

“We love Nazi’s like Goebbels, Richard Spencer and Iowa politician Steve King, but this kind of Nazi persecution is absolutely bullshit,” stated one racist dickhead man. “I don’t understand why a person who hates immigrants, Jews, Muslims, women, and pretty much everyone else can’t attend a soccer game in peace. I don’t understand why a person who wants to create a white ethnostate and makes Nazi salutes in the stands can’t attend a soccer game in peace. I just want to go to the game, throw out Nazi salutes and tell other fans about why they should hate all the immigrants that surround them in the supporters group and then, after the game, beat up other fans, supporters and random people in the street. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?”

According to insider sources, NYCFC decided to ignore the attendance of these bigoted people in the stadium and among their travelling fans despite the repeated entreaties of other NYCFC fans as the club stated, “We believe in the rights of all fans to attend our games regardless of whether they want hot dogs with ketchup, Mix Diskerud back on the team, or whether they call for an extermination all Muslims and Jewish people globally in order to create a homogeneous culture of pure hatred and extremism.”

Groups of NYCFC fans reportedly resorted to banners, public shaming, a social media campaign, and reaching out to their NYCFC representatives in order to prevent the racists from attending NYCFC games.

“We were able to prove that some of these people marched with the KKK in Charlottesville and attacked people in the streets in New York City,” stated one anonymous NYCFC fan. “These people engage in violent extremism and the club just continues to do nothing.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to NYCFC about the situation and they again stated that their hands were tied.

“What are we supposed to do,” stated NYCFC president Jon Patricof. “It’s like the fans expect the organization to keep them safe or something. Look, it’s just a few in stadium Nazi salutes and white power stickers by our fans. Whats the big deal?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC continues to do nothing.

Co-Workers Allege Simulation As Flu Symptoms Worsen For Timbers Fan

Portland, OR - Co-workers of Timbers fan Heather Bronby are alleging simulation as her apparent flu symptoms worsen with the upcoming playoff game against the Seattle Sounders coming up on Thursday evening.

Cold.jpg

“I don’t know, everyone… I’m just not feeling well,” wheezed Bronby as she forced out a cough, a sniffle and staggered to her desk to sit down. “I really don’t think I’m going to be coming in tomorrow.”

Office co-worker Lisa Anderson was not sympathetic as she indicated her suspicion.

“I know that Heather told me she recently got her flu shot,” stated Ms. Anderson. “There’s no way this performance is believable. She’s just trying to get out of work on Thursday for the game.”

Sources indicate that Ms. Bronby began feeling the flu like symptoms on Monday morning as she entered her office holding a Kleenex while softly stating that she lost her voice overnight and was starting to feel a body ache.

“WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE SEASON TICKETS, HEATHER,” stated compliance officer Dan Stevens to the pale and unsteady Bronby in the break room as she attempted to close the sports section that was sitting out as a reminder of the previous day victory.

“I haven’t felt this bad in AGES,” stated Bronby aloud to no one in particular. “I definitely feel like I’m coming down with the flu, or a cold or something that’s going to keep me out for probably …. oh…. I don’t know…. Thursday and Friday of this week.”

Manager Fred Angle stated that he has no choice but to approve Ms. Bronby’s sick day request if she continues this charade even though he doubts the sincerity of her affliction.

“This is the worst performance I’ve seen since Ralph called in sick with endometriosis to watch the Golden State Warriors playoff game,” stated Angle to The Nutmeg News.

However, Ms. Bronby continued her elegant performance as she splashed water on her face and stated, “oh my, I’m just not feeling well AT ALL,” to the entire break room as she poured another cup of coffee.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Bronby’s illness appears to be completely gone without a trace by Monday morning.

Area Man Actually Wants Skip Bayless' Opinion On Soccer

Tulsa, OK - After a fascinating Major League Soccer playoff weekend featuring a number of compelling matches, area man David Hughes emphatically indicated that he actually wanted Skip Bayless’ opinion on soccer.

SKIPANGRY.jpg

“Why isn’t Bayless talking about soccer this morning,” ranted Hughes to his aghast friends who started physically moving away from the Oklahoma man at the very thought of this happening. “We need more people like Bayless and Stephen A. Smith yelling very loud things about the game after this kind of weekend.”

While friends attempted to calm Hughes down and inform him that no one should actually want Skip Bayless’ opinion on anything remotely related to soccer, the Tulsa man composed a tweet that he targeted towards Bayless, Smith and any sports personality with a talk show as he attempted to force them to speak on the subject of soccer and the Major League Soccer playoffs.

“Dear God in heaven I don’t know why he would ask such a thing,” stated good friend Wanda Evans. “There isn’t one person in the world that thinks that Bayless should say even one syllable about soccer. Hell, he really shouldn’t talk about Basketball either, but that’s not my fanbase.”

According to insiders, the friends and family of Hughes are reportedly staging and intervention after this recent outburst in an attempt to keep Hughes from successfully reaching out to the aforementioned media muppets.

As well, associates of Hughes created a Change.Org petition stating, “We, the undersigned, do not support this action and we renounce the views of David Hughes. Keep our sport Bayless free.”

The Nutmeg News will hopefully have no more on this.