Timbers Fans Vow To, "Never Stop Fighting"

Portland, OR - After a successful web campaign by the Portland Timbers front office that featured the tagline, “Never Stop Fighting,” the associated fans of the Timbers announced a vow to never stop fighting as they relentlessly turned on each other at every possible moment.

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“I took the message from the front office to heart and I plan on telling every single person that disagrees with me over the next two months to go to hell,” stated Timbers fan Ben Stewart. “I’m creating a database of all the hot takes from this offseason to use against these fake fans and embarrass them on Facebook, Twitter and any other social media presence they use.”

Other Timbers fans announced their intention to Never Stop Fighting as they continued to make scarves and patches against the Timbers front office and other fans who don’t like the scarves and patches they made in the first place.

“These scarves and patches will tell the FO and the other fans that support the FO that they are scum,” stated one anonymous fan. “I’m planning on keeping all of this money because fuck all the people who want to tell me what I can do with my money.”

Our reporters spoke to Timbers Army members as well who brought up a number of recent fights among the collected fans of the team that outstrip the petty grudges that Timbers fans hold against rival fans.

“There’s nobody I hate more than this group of fans that stand over in 104,” stated TA member Jimmy “Biggs” Rutherford as he zoomed in on a group of fans in a panoramic photo taken by the Timbers photographers. “Sure I hate the Sounders, but honestly I hate our own fans way more than nearly anyone else.”

Conversely, we spoke to Mike Anderson in section 104 who detailed a list of grudges he had with certain individuals in section 106 as he announced that he would be writing a very in-depth hit piece on these individuals in the fanposts section of the Timbers SBNation blog Stumptown Footy.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers Army fanbase turns on the Timbers Army Facebook account for posting unaffiliated fans talking about Never Stop Fighting.


BOWL BET BLUNDER: Loser Of The Super Bowl Will Be Forced To Care About His MLS Team

Atlanta, GA - It was announced late Sunday night that a bowl bet between the assistant to Robert Kraft and the assistant to Stan Kroenke would require the loser of Super Bowl LIII to care about his Major League Soccer team during the 2019 season as waves of panic cascaded down Stan Kroenke’s frail neck as he asked, “now which team is that?”

“We are more interested in figuring out how much money our super pac can donate to the GOP to ensure that we get more tax breaks”

“We are more interested in figuring out how much money our super pac can donate to the GOP to ensure that we get more tax breaks”

According to those present, Kroenke and Kraft both agreed to the terms via a terse message of, “whatever,” when asked by their assistants if they would go through with the conditions of the bet.

“The requirement is that they actually put money into the team via advertising, player salaries, building a stadium, funding a winning team, hiring a good coaching and scouting staff for an entire year,” stated one anonymous party. “I’m not certain they knew what they were getting themselves into. They might be forced to spend hundreds of thousands of their billions of dollars.”

The staff and fans of the Colorado Rapids and New England Revolution stated that they were excited to see what a billionaire who gives a shit in Major League Soccer looks like other than Arthur Blank.

“Can you imagine if the team actually scouted for good players, hired good coaches, had their own stadium, advertised and actually worked with fans to help create a good atmosphere instead of just being a tax writeoff and opportunity to sell more Tom Brady jerseys?” stated one anonymous Revolution fan.

“Our fanbase mirrors exactly the level of effort put in by Stan over the past few years,” stated one anonymous Rapids fan. “That is that most of us forget it is game day, unwrap a hard candy, get excited over the CBS lineup and then realize that the last exciting thing to happen to this team was when Gary Smith was coach.”

For their part, both owners vowed that this would be the last time they get talked into actually caring about their soccer teams as they decried the bet as uncivilized.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bob Kraft fulfills his promise of one stadium rumor a year for 10 years time leading to absolutely nothing.

Sky Blue F.C. Launch GoFundMe For Away Travel Expenses

Piscataway, NJ - Tax write off Sky Blue F.C. announced a GoFundMe to fund their away travel expenses as the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) team continued to find a way to not spend any money in 2019.

“Just because I’m the owner of the team doesn’t mean I need to spend money on that team. I’ve got a mansion in the Hamptons to take care of and trips to Italy and those aren’t cheap.”

“Just because I’m the owner of the team doesn’t mean I need to spend money on that team. I’ve got a mansion in the Hamptons to take care of and trips to Italy and those aren’t cheap.”

The Sky Blue GoFundMe stated, “With the 90-ish days of pre-season coming to a close soon, assistance is needed to pay for any away travel that the league is forcing us to participate in. Please help if you can, even if in any small way. Your thoughts and prayers are also much appreciated for the squad and the finance department. We can’t spend any money at all in 2019.”

With only $25 raised through mandatory office contributions, Sky Blue is still $200,000 short of their stated goal to be able to travel to games for the 2019 NWSL season.

Owner and New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy stated, “I’m not going to support these freeloaders. Capitalism is about having the market solve problems and if this team is going to travel then the market is going to have to figure out how to support them. I support women’s soccer. I’ve done many interviews where I’ve said that. Very, very woke on the issue, make sure you let everyone know.”

When asked whether he considered actually funding the team Governor Murphy stated, “I didn’t make money by actually spending it on sports.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the team tries to see whether they can use playing for the team as a work experience for college students in order to hire intern players.


Chicago Fire Become Affiliate For Tulsa Roughnecks FC

Tulsa, Ok- United Soccer League (USL) Championship side Tulsa Roughnecks Football Club stated that they renegotiated their current agreement with Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise Chicago Fire to allow the Roughnecks to be the sole provider of players to the beleaguered MLS squad during the 2019 season.

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“We realized that this would be a great opportunity for our bench players to get some game time in a developing league,” stated Roughnecks General Manager Wayne Farmer. “Our agreement with the MLS allows us to loan players that typically wouldn’t get playing time with our Starting 11, while allowing us to recall them in case of a long term player injury or some other necessary reason. It really allows players who might struggle in USL to have a chance to blossom in MLS.”

Sources with the Fire report that General Manager Nelson Rodriguez is very happy with the new deal as he expressed frustration recently at the difficulty of acquiring players for the 2019 season.

“We plan on starting these players immediately,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “Tulsa has some great talent that will really help our team out without costing us an enormous amount of money. It’s only logical for this to be the new pipeline going forward from the Chicago Fire to Tulsa Roughnecks. Path to PRO!”

With the new agreement in place, Rodriguez indicated that he plans on acquiring all the pacy wingers that the Roughnecks have on their squad.

“We have some deficiencies this season, but it’s nothing that a pacy winger won’t fix. You have to score goals in order to stop goals from scoring goals. It’s all about wingers.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the Fire ask whether they can have access to the Roughnecks draft picks for 2019.

Man Finally Achieves Life Dream Of Creating Twitter Account That Aggregates Transfer Rumors And Passes Them Off As Being Real

Tulsa, OK - Longtime soccer fan and Twitter veteran Phil Harvey stated that he finally achieved his dream of creating a twitter account that aggregates transfer rumors and passes them off as being real.

After he figures out how to pay his way out of the ongoing rape investigation in Las Vegas the league will definitely look to put him in Miami.

After he figures out how to pay his way out of the ongoing rape investigation in Las Vegas the league will definitely look to put him in Miami.

“I did it. I finally did it,” stated Harvey to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve always thought that what soccer could use more of was another twitter account that takes transfer rumors and unverified speculation from untrustworthy international sources and passes them off as being legitimate. Finally with my creation of @MLSTransferNewsUpdate I can deliver what everyone wants… more baseless speculation from anonymous sources that I pass off as being legitimate.”

Harvey stated that he was working on the techniques for the past 5 years that would allow him to create and manage such an account as he dedicated himself to shitposting every single day.

“Yeah I haven’t taken any breaks,” stated Harvey. “I’ve been making jokes about everything, pretending to have scoops, and searching international news organizations that have a reputation for making things up. It’s been a hard road to learn all the tricks, but finally I can admit that I’m in the right place to contribute to the baseless rumor mongering that all fans love.”

With the account created and followers streaking over to read his tweets, Mr. Harvey indicated that he wouldn’t just be relying on the old tricks anymore.

“I’m not just going to take things from other publications and make it seem like I figured it out. I’m also going to just make things up and then talk about how the deal fell through. People will LOVE that. and I just…. well….. I’m going to get emotional but I finally feel complete in this world as I find another sucker who believes that this anonymous Polish winger is going to get signed by… oh… I don’t know….. Let’s say, Chicago.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @MLSTransferNewsUpdate gets 5,000 followers in the first 4 months it operates.

Blogger Already Has Idea About How The 43rd Pick In The Draft Will Fit Into The Dynamo Lineup

Houston, TX - Dynamo blogger Oscar Taft stated that he already has an idea and a column written about how Mac Steeves would fit into the Houston Dynamo lineup after the player was drafted to the Houston team with the 43rd pick overall.

No.

No.

"I’ve never seen him play, but I’ve scouted him for the past 40 minutes and I can tell you categorically that he is going to be an impact substitution,” stated Taft to The Nutmeg News. “I can’t reveal more, but you can read it online at my HotDynamo.excite.blogspot.com address alongside all my analysis of every pick in the draft from today’s action.”

Taft stated that ever since he found out about Steeves, earlier today, he has been scouting him online using YouTube and a variety of methods including googling his name.

“It looks like he came from Providence,” muttered Taft as his sagaciously stroked his stubble and typed in, “where is prvidance,” to his search bar. “We are looking at a real diamond in the rough, and I say that after some really in depth research.”

As well, Taft indicated that he was in a rush to put out his content to beat everyone to the punch as he quickly assessed what the future lineup would be for the Dynamo in 2021 with Steeves leading the line or possibly converted to a winger, like Taft’s gut is telling him that he might be.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Taft starts to record his podcast on the subject matter while quickly using google image search to determine what Mac Steeves actually looks like.

Chicago Fire Sign Local Broadcast Deal With YoutubeRed

CHICAGO - Nelson Rodriguez and the Chicago Fire announced that they signed a local broadcast deal with premium pay service YoutubeRED to broadcast all Chicago Fire games utilizing the collection of Youtube personalities like PewDiePie to increase the number of millennial viewers watching Chicago Fire games.

WHAT A WORLD!

WHAT A WORLD!

“Games will be broadcast in full 144p in one corner while PewDiePie takes questions from twitch chat, plays video games, uses a racial slur and shows videos of comedy sketches about Hitler,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “We hope that this will increase the viewers in our targeted demographic of douche-bags from the age of 14 to 23.”

Rodriguez indicated that the Fire were eager to take the next step in digital rights management after seeing D.C. United’s local streaming deal with FloSports.

“We wanted to find a way to attract a younger viewer to our game,” stated Rodriguez. “And a focus group indicated that the youths watch the youtubes for, ‘their lulz,’ whatever that means. We are committed to making an honest effort to broadcast games in a way that would break the mold and we feel that a privileged Swedish manchild yelling racial slurs over our game would lend a specific kind of atmosphere that other streaming services simply couldn’t match.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as H3H3 post a reaction video to The Fine Brothers posting a react video to PewDiePie reacting to The Chicago Fire losing to the Philadelphia Union.

Random Draft Pick In NWSL Draft To Be Appointed Commissioner

CHICAGO - The National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that a random draft pick would be appointed commissioner after acknowledging that it’s been nearly two years since Jeff Plush stepped down from the position.

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“We haven’t decided who it will be yet, but we are talking about just making it the last player in the draft,” stated Amanda Duffy, the NWSL Managing Director. “Maybe we will do a rotating thing where players get to be commissioner for a day, or maybe it’ ll just be ceremonial, or maybe we will do it as an intern type job where they learn about being a commissioner in the real world but we don’t have to pay them. Either way, we will figure it out.”

With the news filtering down to the collected athletes ready to give their professional careers over to a league that can’t get out of its own way enough to do the simple things well, many future players were excited.

“Finally a chance to put things right,” stated North Carolina player Suzette Newcombe. “I’m going to ensure that I take the bull by the horns and really drive home some policy changes that will help the players,” stated the player to our reporter before she was told that she definitely would not be getting the position now.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL considers expanding the pool to MLS draft picks.

Gordon Freeman To Lead Resistance Against MLS Combine

Orlando, FL - Noted inter-dimensional terrorist Gordon Freeman announced, by staring wordlessly at a camera and adjusting his glasses, that he would be picking up his crowbar and leading the resistance against MLS Combine after what seems like an unending eternity.

Jason Kreis wouldn’t do it and look at him.

Jason Kreis wouldn’t do it and look at him.

With players in Orlando being overseen by the Transhuman Arm of the Combine Overwatch, Freeman reportedly renewed his violent struggle against the intergalactic empire by first striking out at sentient synths who roam the narrow basement corridors of Orlando City’s stadium as he repeatedly attempted to gain a foothold in his Pyrrhic quest.

We spoke to Dr. Wallace Breen, the administrator of MLS Combine, who stated, "we cannot allow and condone this kind of terrorism. We are the representatives of Combine. The players are happy here. We tell them when to pass, when to run. They are your children. Everyone wanted to know where the children were and here they are. They run, they jump, they learn, they become super soldiers. There is nothing suspicious about this. My former associate is gravely mistaken and he will learn that he needs me.”

Pundits and draft experts watching MLS Combine indicate that they are interested in the movement and play of several players who appear to be ready as USL level synths who could contribute as some kind of defensive Vortigaunt in a 4-4-2.

“I’m very interested in finding out what kind of player Darrell Jackson from Notre Dame could become,” stated Sports Illustrated journalist Dave Edwards. “After all, you look at the success that Kyle Beckerman had in the Real Salt Lake midfield with a headcrab attached and you really wonder..”

Combine security indicated that they were ready for any attempt to breach the secure perimeter as they stationed hundreds of police officers outside who will not let anyone pass until they pick up a random can.

“As we explained to Orlando City last season, we will not let them pass until they pick up a can,” stated Officer 15634223 “PICK. UP. THAT. CAN.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Freeman attempts to break the stranglehold that Combine has on the Galaxy by working with Los Angeles to increase their youth academy to senior team pipeline.

MLS Executives Still Bullish On 28 To 33 Year Old Journeyman Players Who Once Got Game Time In Sweden

CHICAGO - In advance of the 2019 SuperDraft, league executives from Major League Soccer indicated that they were still bullish on 28 to 33 year old Journeyman soccer players who once got game time in Sweden.

One of these teams could be where your next defensive midfielder spent two seasons!

One of these teams could be where your next defensive midfielder spent two seasons!

“Despite all of these players here,” stated one MLS General Manager as he waived towards the combine, “we are still very much excited about bringing in a 29 year old player who got a few good games in the Allsvenskan two years ago.”

One anonymous source in a league front office stated that he expected at least 50% of the worst performing players during the 2019 season to have some former connection to DIF, AIK, Götheborg, Malmo or Hammarby.

“It’s important for teams in this league to look for a pedigree,” stated one anonymous sources. “So they’d rather give a guy who had a good season for DIF back in 2015 a $225,000 contract than play a 21 year old player who just came out of Stanford.”

With the emphasis on the Swedish league being so prevalent in Major League Soccer, some teams have gone so far as to look at other leagues like the Danish Superliga or the Austrian Bundesliga.

“We found a fullback that had a really decent 2017 with SK Sturm Graz,” stated one anonymous GM. “With that kind of pedigree he is going to be worth that $175,000 contract. As a matter of fact, we are going to send our fullback draft pick down to our USL team to give him some more time before we trade him away next year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as SuperDraft players end up in the USL and NPSL within 5 years as they struggle to get any playing time over the defensively liable 28 year old journeyman player that your team is going to bring in to play 1500 minutes this season regardless of his performance.


Woman Absolutely Certain That 2019 Will Be The Year She Doesn't Have To Prove Her Soccer Fan Credentials

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Susan Hughes stated that she was absolutely certain that 2019 will be the year she doesn’t have to prove her soccer fan credentials as she looked forward to sharing more of the game and herself with her online friends.

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“No longer will I need to list Galaxy goal keepers from 1999 or an exhaustive list of forwards from Manchester United during the early 2000s in order to try to prove that I’m a fan,” stated Hughes online. “I am comfortable with my knowledge and place in the game, so I’m certain that this is going to be a great year.”

Online followers of Ms. Hughes’ Twitter account lauded her for her commitment to, “this decades long charade,” as they indicated that she still didn’t need to pretend to like soccer.

The Nutmeg News reached out to Twitter user and human reprobate @Rashfordaboys121212 who stated, “I wonder which boyfriend of hers was into Manchester United.”

Ms. Hughes was, also, immediately sent a unbidden Direct Message with a picture of a man’s genitals in it and a message of, “Y dn’t u come over n help me play FIFA.”

Despite the flood of negative messages that came after an initial wave of positive responses, Ms. Hughes stated she wasn’t going to let it get to her as she started blocking trolls across the world and then took her Twitter account private.

“I know that it’s going to be great,” stated Ms. Hughes. “It’s only just a matter of time before they accept me as a fellow fan.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Hughes files a restraining order in February over a user who becomes obsessed with her Instagram account and creates different profiles to hurl abuse at her in the comments section of her pictures of playing soccer and her pictures from the gym.

This Poser Dad Admits He Wouldn't Strap Pyrotechnics To His Four Year Old

LAMESVILLE, USA - Friends and family were shocked when supposed soccer fan Dave Engle betrayed the scene by stating that he wouldn’t strap pyrotechnics to his four year old in order to have smoke and flares at his local soccer games.

WHAT A DICK

WHAT A DICK

“No. No. Absolutely not! I don’t think that’s appropriate parenting or safe behavior at all,” stated the big, giant poser.

Engle was having a conversation about South American soccer with his friends Victor Martinez and Paul Anderson when Martinez showed him the utter dedication of a River Plate ultra who strapped what appeared to be flares to her young child.

Martinez and good friend Paul Anderson were reportedly shocked to find that Engle would betray the burgeoning local casuals and ultras scene by ensuring the safety of his young son by not strapping flares to him.

“HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ULTRA,” stated Anderson in disgust. “This is why you wouldn’t wear Stone Island. ISN’T IT?”

However, despite all the persuasion and the fact that surreptitiously strapping incendiary devices to his four year old would just make him totally cool, Mr Engle would not be swayed as he continued his attempt at being a decent parent and a complete fraud.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Engle debates whether he is now too old for this shit.

Columbus Crew Social Media Managers Checking Twitter Mentions Again

Columbus, OH - The battalion of social media managers handling the @ColumbusCrew twitter account admitted that they were finally checking their Twitter mentions again after the sale of the Crew from Anthony “I paid money for United Passions” Precourt.

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“I no longer dread the uptick in numbers on our mentions,” stated one anonymous manager. “I no longer slowly weep in the bathroom at the climbing blue digits that tell me something horrible was reported about the old ownership group. Also, I no longer have random fans swearing at the account nearly every day.”

Sources with the Crew organization indicate that the club is considering the possibility of counselling, after the past year, with an emphasis on handling PTSD for the managers that survived the PSV era.

“We must handle our veterans of this with care and love,” stated one source within the front office. “I saw one manager receive a vibrate notification of a text message from a loved one and that put them into a momentary state of shock. We had to tell them that it wasn’t a press release from PSV about the Austin team anymore and after a 20 minute hug session they finally were able to have the panic attack pass.”

The custodial staff of the Crew indicated that they hung new posters in the offices for the Crew that state, “It’s not your fault. It’s NOT your fault.”

For their part, the social media managers say that they actually enjoy interacting with the fans again, at least until the season starts.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Crew authorize support and therapy dog Twitter accounts for social media managers.


Sky Blue F.C. Announce Try-Outs For General Manager And Owner

Piscataway, NJ - National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) club Sky Blue F.C. announced that there would be try-outs coming for their General Manager and Owner position for the 2019 season.

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“We are putting a call out to all people in the Piscataway location,” stated director of communication, sales, merchandising and 2018 midfielder Sarah Evans. “We are on the look out for the General Manager and Owner position for Sky Blue! Just imagine yourself being an owner of this historic Women’s Soccer team.”

Insiders with Sky Blue indicate that the credentials required to own the team is at an all time low with absentee owner Phil Murphy doing the bare minimum to keep the team alive while only paying attention due to political reasons and embarrassment.

“Literally anyone would be an upgrade,” stated one insider. “A sloth with a functioning bank account would do a better job.”

The press release by Sky Blue indicates that the General Manager job requires 4 years of Football Manager experience or six years of simulated experience in FIFA 2018. The requirements for the ownership position were listed as, “a pulse and a memory.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Phil Murphy forgets he owns the team again until another story is written in the press.

United States Based Pulisic Fan Can't Find Chelsea On A Map Of England

Dallas, TX - Christian Pulisic superfan David Henry stated that he was excited to become a new Chelsea fan after Pulisic announced his move to the English club Chelsea, but Henry also admitted that he was having difficulty finding Chelsea on a map of England.

“I can’t find it anywhere.”

“I can’t find it anywhere.”

“As part of my exhaustive research I like to look at what the city is like,” stated Henry to The Nutmeg News. “However, I can’t find Chelsea ANYWHERE.”

Henry stated that he looked in North-East England, North-West England, South England and Even West England but was unable to find any city with the name of Chelsea.

“How can the world’s greatest American player and the biggest undiscovered talent go to a team where I can’t even find the city,” stated Henry. “When I became a huge Dortmund fan I just found Dortmund on the map and then I looked up all the cultural items that could possibly inform me as to the style of the city so that I could tell everyone I knew how much of a fan of the team and town that I am.”

Henry confided to friends that Pulisic signing with a team that doesn’t appear to be based in an actual city of their own has him concerned with his development.

“We will never be a true soccer country until our biggest players are playing for teams that have their own cities, like Manchester or Liverpool or Sunderland,” ranted Henry on his twitter account.

None of this, however, kept Mr. Henry from purchasing a brand new Chelsea Pulisic kit on New Years as he boldly proclaimed his love for the blue or whatever people say about this team that doesn’t even have a city.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henry starts googling recent news articles on Chelsea fans to get an idea of the type of people that Pulisic will call his fans.

Major League Soccer Ready To Take Credit For Keeping Crew In Columbus After Trying To Rip Crew Out Of Columbus In Secret

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today indicated that they were stepping ever closer to taking credit for keeping the Crew in Columbus after trying to rip the Crew out of Columbus in secret.

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“We are proud to announce a deal to keep the Crew in Columbus,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “This is after we were proud to facilitate and help with a secret move for the team before fans found out what we were trying to do and banded together to stop the league from ripping away their team.”

Insiders with the league state that they are happy to seize the narrative from the fans in Columbus and make it seem like the league wasn’t involved in trying to actively help kill the team for the past 3 years.

“It’s a great time for controlling the narrative,” stated one anonymous league source. “MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. MLS saved the Crew! MLS SAVED THE CREW. ….. See, if you say it enough everyone will start believing it to be true.”

According to Commissioner Garber, the fans were moderately helpful in their support but that the league deserves the credit for saving the team as he mentioned the support of the fans in helping the league make a profit off a scenario they created when they allowed Anthony “I kick puppies for fun” Precourt to exercise an option to move the team to Austin.

“We are excited to sell the team we hoped to kill not more than 8 months ago,” stated Garber. “We make some money, he makes some money, he moves his team to Austin and we reframe this whole thing like we are the good guy.”

The Nutmeg News will likely have more on this when the league tries to do it again.

American Soccer Fan Celebrates Boxing Day By Pretending Everyone At Work Gives A Shit About Soccer

Minneapolis, MN - American soccer fan and Newcastle United enthusiast Paul Smith celebrated the annual return of Boxing Day by going to work and pretending everyone there gives a shit about the soccer games on the day as he tried to stream the Newcastle v Liverpool game using a phone carefully positioned on his knee below his cubicle desk.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO IT’s the day that Lennox Lewis fought and defeated Margaret Thatcher for the England Premiership Title brought to you by Bovril.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO IT’s the day that Lennox Lewis fought and defeated Margaret Thatcher for the England Premiership Title brought to you by Bovril.

“Great day for the premier league,” stated Smith to a collected grouping of co-workers attempting to pour coffee and make oatmeal out of the hot water tap on the coffee machine while avoiding general eye contact with each other. “Really big implications at the top, you know.”

According to co-workers, no one who showed up to work today gives a shit about Boxing Day or the Premier League as they dutifully stare at their cubicle wall trapped in a hell of their own making as they contemplate whether it is too late to go run a dive shop on a beach somewhere on a remote Pacific island.

“Hoo boy, I bet that Benitez can really exploit some space behind the back line if we can just stop giving up the ball in our defensive third,” stated Smith to the departing backside of work-friend James Murphy who was in no mood to listen to anything to do with soccer after he spent all day yesterday attempting to rescue a drone he accidentally flew onto the roof of his apartment complex.

Smith attempted to pretend that he wasn’t at work by wearing a new Minnesota Vikings sweatshirt given to him by his Grandmother and draping a Newcastle scarf over his cubicle wall in order to have his every appearance on the day unsuccessfully scream, “I AM NOT AT WORK.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith attempts to stream the Arsenal game in the bathroom stall at work while forgetting that the speaker volume on his phone is on max.

Soccer Blogger's New Plan To Make It In The Industry Involves Driving For Amazon

NEW YORK - After spending Christmas morning reading a long form column on The Atlantic written by former Sports Illustrated columnist Austin Murphy about his new career with Amazon, blossoming soccer writer Brooklyn Anders-Hertzfeld applied to Amazon as a package delivery specialist in order to make it as a soccer writer.

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“Now THIS is how I’m going to start my career in full as a writer,” stated Anders-Hertzfeld as he skimmed over the part in the story where Murphy detailed that he had to take a piss test. “I spent four years in school learning how to write only to watch the industry implode. I can’t wait to finally take my next step at becoming a published writer for The Atlantic, Sports Illustrated, The Washington Post and Pete’s Totally Radical Soccer Blog by delivering packages 12 hours a day.”

Friends state that Anders-Hertzfeld applied to nearly every website and newspaper out there and was instantaneously rejected for nearly all of them expect for the Des Moines Register which offered him a lucrative career covering High School sports with an emphasis on the local prep to pro pipeline and 4-H meetings.

“I’ve had a long career working for SB Nation so I feel like I’m overqualified for the position,” stated Anders-Hertzfeld. “I’m looking for something more hard hitting than generic local sports and it appears that Amazon is a pipeline to the front pages of The Atlantic. Plus, I get to be just like Bukowski… you know… working in the post office, being depressed, moodily smoking cigarette and talking about hot stew. I can’t wait.”

The Nutmeg New will have more on this as Anders-Hertzfeld fails his piss test and considers shitposting online instead.



Atlanta United Sell Greg Garza In Order To Fund, "Making It Rain," At Magic City

Atlanta, GA - The front office of Atlanta United, the 2018 MLS Cup Champion, traded off left back Greg Garza, today, in order to fund, “making it rain,” on the Philip F. Anschutz trophy at the Atlanta strip club Magic City.

WHERE INDEED!

WHERE INDEED!

“We had a great time last night,” stated one Atlanta United front office staff who for some reason really wanted to remain anonymous. “And we made it rain a little bit, but we wanna go to that Big Boi level and really set the place off.”

The Atlanta United team visited the local strip club and entertained the dancers and patrons alike with the cup as they enjoyed some lascivious entertainment after their championship parade.

However, locals report that the team quickly ran out of money when they attempted to “big time” the ladies on the stage and made a necessary call.

“If the boys need to make it rain, we will make it rain,” stated one anonymous Atlanta United front office member. “We called up Cincinnati on the spot and within an hour or two we had some TAM to transition into some real money. We are going to use that Garza money there and at the Clermont, later.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United consider trading Brad Guzan for a trip into the Champagne Room.

Merritt Paulson Quits Twitter For Record 63rd Time

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson announced that he was leaving the social media platform Twitter for the 63rd time as he bid adieu to Twitter, deleted the app, re-installed the program, and then deleted the original quitting notification, then re-posted it again, deleted the app, and thought about re-installing it before getting an email about off-season player acquisition strategies.

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“This puts Paulson in rarefied air,” stated Twitter statistician Boris Gudjonson. “While we have experience a variety of Twitter celebrities leaving and coming back over the years, Paulson’s frequent departures put him up there with unverified Twitter user Jeremiah @BongHitsForJesus Smith of Oklahoma who left the program 64 times over the past year due to rage quitting after reading Donald Trump tweets.

Fans state that they are shocked Paulson is leaving as this is the first time that he has ever even remotely threatened anything like this.

“How will I cope if I cannot read the words,” stated Timbers fan Paul Sanchez. “Where will I get my information that I pass off as insider information to my friends? How will this all work out?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson returns and then quits again before anyone actually knows that he was even back on the platform.