Richmond Kickers Fan Revels In Warm Embrace Of Crushing Depression As USL Season Kicks Off

Richmond, VA - Kickers fan Carolyn Burtois stated that she was reveling in the warm embrace of crushing depression as the return of the blues signified another USL Season and another Kickers loss.

 Isn't it great to have soccer back?

Isn't it great to have soccer back?

"I'm very sad and upset about this loss to Bethlehem," stated Burtois to The Nutmeg News. "And I'm very happy to be very sad and upset, as well. It's a complex time for me."

Burtois stated that the return of crushing depression and disappointment is always a sign that soccer has returned as the Kickers attempt to strive towards a return to the USL Playoffs.

"My co-workers knew that soccer was back because I didn't want to talk to anyone on Monday and I just sat there steeping my tea," stated Burtois. "My inability to function normally after a loss and my moody obsession with how the team is doing even one week into the season is a really comforting thing to return to in this time of political insanity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Burtois pulls out her warm sweater that she wears around the apartment every time she needs to pace after a Kickers loss.

Tinder Profile Of Atlanta United Fan Starts With, "Did You Know That We Had Nearly 20,000 More Fans Attend Our Game Than Any Other Team This Week?"

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Hosea Williams recently updated the start of his Tinder profile to state, "Did You Know That We Had Nearly 20,000 More Fans Attend Our Game Than Any Other Team This Week," to illustrate the Five Stripes domination in the stands this week.

 Even our digital render has more people in it than any other stadium this week.

Even our digital render has more people in it than any other stadium this week.

Reportedly, Williams followed his statement with the quip that he was, "down to chill, have a good time and I like funny movies with Kevin Hart that somehow show that Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more people than any other crowd this week."

"Did you KNOW that, though," asked Williams to The Nutmeg News. "Did you know that we had nearly 20,000 more fans attend our game than any other team this week? Did you know that? Did you know that we had that many people attend our game this week? I need a woman that understands that as well, the statistics of our crowd. I need one that knows that is the truth."

According to friends, Williams default response to any question is currently, "Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more fans at their game this week than any other MLS team," including the time his brother asked him whether or not he wanted to go to Orlando for a vacation.

"He's just gone off and run with this," stated Jeremiah Williams. "I'm not sure why it happened, but he has all these charts and statistics and keeps talking about attendance records and why it matters."

Sources with the McDonalds on Alabama street indicate that Mr Williams responded to the question of "What can we make for you today," with the response, "and we had the upper bowl closed. If we had the upper bowl opened, we would have shattered that 20,000 mark and really showed the league that we can have double the amount of attendance they have at other locations and I'd like a Big Mac, please."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when everyone starts acknowledging that Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more people at their game than any other game during week 3.

Search For NWSL Commissioner Ramps Up With Posters, Sketches, And An Exhaustive Craigslist Search

CHICAGO - The search for the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) commissioner ramped up, on Monday, as the league released some sketches and missing person notifications for the position that over one year later still has not been filled


"We realized that our exhaustive search hadn't explored all the possibilities," stated NWSL director of personnel Susan Collins. "We were thinking about recruiters, but then realized that since we were MISSING a commissioner that we should just start with that idea. Like what would you do if you were missing a dog... or a couch... or a vintage gramophone? CRAIGLIST, FLIERS AND WANTED ADS!"

Reportedly, the league tasked some of their amateur players to go around the Chicago neighborhood where the NWSL front office resides and hand fliers out to pedestrians while asking them if they've seen the NWSL Commissioner. While other interns with the league front office reportedly searched for NWSL Commissioners on Craigslist.

"Our exhaustive search for the NWSL Commissioner will leave no stone unturned," stated Collins. "We will do everything in our power to search for the commissioner who we think was called Jeff, or something. Who knows. Either way, we tried yelling out the front door. We tried cold calling people. We even started a Facebook group, but we lost control of that when Christen Press fans decided to turn it into a place to write fan fiction. In the end, we are still looking for a Commissioner, so if you see one.... let us know."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL approaches year 2 of the great Commissioner search.

Race For The Bottom Enthralls Timbers And Sounders Fans

CASCADIA - The competition between Portland and Seattle is building to an early crescendo as the Timbers and the Sounders battled for worst team in the league with both teams firmly rooted to the bottom of the early standings.

 Keep scrolling.......... keep scrolling............. keeeeeeeeeeeep scrolling...  THERE THEY ARE!!

Keep scrolling.......... keep scrolling............. keeeeeeeeeeeep scrolling...


"Anyone can win," stated Sounders fan Gloria Evans. "Not everyone can lose. This is Major League Soccer. In this league most teams can win any time they take the field so it takes a special team to be able to lose. We spent the last two years going to MLS Cup and winning so much that it's really nice to have a different goal for 2018. What we are looking for is total capitulation, not domination. Maybe THIS will get some committed people in the supporters groups."

Timbers fans were equally thrilled with the direction of the team from Southern Cascadia as Roger Reynolds from Portland stated, "Damn it feels nice to be back in it and losing again. It's like the old days. Maybe this will knock off a few people from the waiting list, but I'm not holding my breath. Now if they would just bring back all the stuff, promotions and players that I loved from the USL days that no one knows about anymore because it's been 8 years since we last played in that division."

Analyst and former MLS player Clark Stewart stated that he thought both teams had the capabilities to go the distance, this year, as he noted that both teams are getting older and populated with injury prone players and fundamentally flawed defensive/offensive substitutes.

"We could be seeing an all-time competition for worst in the league," stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. "Ultimately what I think happens is that one of the two teams will get better and that will be disappointing to everyone who would like to see Portland and Seattle finish dead fucking last."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one of the two teams wins their next game and their fans immediately claim that they are going to win the league.

"I Won't Cheat On You," Says Married Asshole To Pretty Woman In Bar

Austin, TX - Drunkenly lurching around like a pervert looking for a warm bed, Anthony Precourt reportedly stated, "I won't cheat on you," to Austin, Texas during a particularly flirtatious period of time at an Airport Bar.

"Baby don't you want to have some fun?" stammered Precourt to Austin as he silenced the phone notifications coming from Columbus asking him where he was and if he was ok. "We could have a great time. We could make some money, have some fun, and really get to know each other. I won't leave you."

Friends of Precourt indicate that he previously stated the same thing to Columbus, Ohio before intentionally cheating on them with anyone that would give him the time of day.

"I won't treat you like those other cities. They mean nothing to me. All I can see is you, baby," stated Precourt as he downed another Gin and Tonic. "Baby we can be great together, just give me some land and some tax breaks and I'll make you happy."

When Austin asked if Precourt said the same thing to his wife he reportedly responded with, "She means NOTHING to me. NOTHING. I can only see you. You aren't like those other ones."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Precourt removes his wedding ring in the bathroom before heading back to buy another drink.

"An Army Of Child Slaves To Build Stadiums" Is Just One Of FIFA's Mandates For World Cup Hosts

The international money laundering cartel known as FIFA announced on Thursday that one of their mandates for hosting a future World Cup is to provide, "an army of child slaves to build stadiums."

"You people are always complaining about your children running around," stated FIFA president Gianni Infantino. "Why not put them to work building retaining walls and erecting scaffolding."

According to Amnesty International, the 2022 World Cup was built on the backs and deaths of migrant laborers forced into slave like conditions and FIFA plans on utilizing the same methodology in the United States, Canada and Mexico provided that the nations agree to their abandonment of labour laws.

"We need a workforce that will work for virtually no money in unsafe conditions and be perpetually afraid of their lives and livelyhood if they speak out. Isn't that great?" stated Infantino to The Nutmeg News.

Sources say that the organization was originally going to mask their intent, but decided FUCK IT.... the USA would probably agree to this anyway.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the United States finds a way to cave to these requests as fast as possible.

North Doodletown, New York; La Junta, Colorado; And Foam Lake, Saskatchewan On Shortlist For World Cup Bid Cities

After recent reports indicate that Chicago and Vancouver pulled out of the World Cup bidding cities for the United States and Canada, the host city shortlist, announced today, showed that North Doodletown, New York; La Junta, Colorado; and Foam Lake, Saskatchewan were still in the running to host the world's premier international soccer competition.

 Scenic La Junta

Scenic La Junta

"We are proud to show our many hiking trails and scenic ruins to the international community," stated Doodletown mayor Rob Fredrikson. "We know that our Doodletown walking tour would help illustrate why the worlds game should come to North Doodletown."

While many cosmopolitan cities in the United States and Canada pulled out of the bidding process, smaller municipalities, townships and cities are seeing this as their chance to put in their bid.

"We have a water park for the kids, now," stated the mayor of Foam Lake, Carolyn Alberth. "And we have plenty of real estate for any of the international players looking to settle into our city. We are easily accessible right off the Yellowhead Highway and only 237 kilometers to Saskatoon."

Sources from within the joint bid indicate that the larger cities do not see the benefit from hosting the international tournament and the required protocols and rigors of being a host city, but that didn't phase La Junta mayor Raymond Figeroua who stated, "we will just pull some bleachers out from the school gymnasium, that should solve the attendance issues."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more international cities pull out of the joint bid process.


Rec League Roundup: Hipster Shows Up To Soccer Practice With Inflated Pig's Bladder

Des Moines, IA - Citing the purity of the game and the true roll of the ball, resident Iowa hipster Stephen Levinthal showed up for his recreation league soccer practice with an inflated pig's bladder, on Wednesday.

"Why, when you strike this spheroid, you will truly experience the game as it was meant to be played," stated Levinthal to his aghast teammates who had, for the last six months, studiously mocked and then ignored Levinthal's handlebar mustache.

"This is about playing the game to the standards of our original ancestors who played in actual boots on bogs and flooded fields like we have here," stated the wool clad Levinthal as his gesticulated towards the immaculately mowed field marked with pristine white lines.

Friends state that Levinthal's predilection towards vintage soccer went so far as him attempting to switch the team formation to a 1-1-8 and mandate that everyone take a halftime break for tea and absinthe.

"He works as a server architect for a company that does SAAS in the cloud," stated good friend and midfielder Heather Brohm. "But he acts like he is a coal miner in the 1800s. One time he even showed up wearing a hand painted bloused shirt tucked into bloused pants tucked into wool socks. I don't even know where to start."

Teammates indicate that the previous equipment changes hadn't impacted his performance, but that his commitment to wool clothing was going to to be problematic during the summer season.

"HE IS GOING TO DIE," stated good friend Gebrail Frimpong. "When the heat comes around? We will see how good his commitment is then."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Levinthal explains how his tendency towards radical veganism is not impacted by his usage of a pig bladder as a sporting implement given that he only uses found pig bladders from wild game.


Family Formation Shifted For More Offense On Gameday

Ogden, UT - Fighting a decreasing amount of free time on the weekend, the Robertson family shifted their formation from a 3-2-1 to a more proactive 2-3-2 in order to maximize the amount of time they have around Real Salt Lake games on the weekend.


"We are making plans for the weekend, now that it is starting to get nice outside again, and I keep running into the RSL game getting in the way," stated James Robertson. "We started off with an empty bucket formation early in our team formation, transitioned into some zonal marking, moved from that into some man marking, but then Eli was born and we realized that we were going to have to play strictly counter-attacking, low-block, zone defense for some time."

 Friends and family say that the expanding Robertson clan maintained and even expanded their season tickets as the family grew from two members to five members to now 7 members, over the years.

"It's been challenging and we retreated to a more pragmatic approach dealing with our offensive and defensive makeup," stated Stephanie Robertson. "However, we tried to encourage quality on the chores and a pressing system for home work like Sporting Kansas City. When we hit 2018, we knew that we had to transition to Mike Petke's system of playing the kids so we decided to give them more chores."

Sources from within the family claim that father James Robertson decided to reform the formation when the family took in his elderly parents after realizing they had room in their Ogden on-property ADU.

"Well, the weekend of the 30th we need to run to Wallgreens for Grandpa, after which we load up the trailer, watch the first half, SPRINT down to the dump with the truck and shovel it all off and make it back for the last half of the second half and.... wait.. Amanda... you take the dump run and take your Grandma so you can drive on your learners permit. Eli, you will be attacking the gutters on the front of the house, watch the first half, take out recycling and garbage, watch second half, then clean gutters on back part of house. We will have a strength and condition coach here next week to help us work on endurance. And don't get wedded to our 2-3-2 formation with Grandma up top running the truck as a forward press to Deseret as we may be transitioning to a 3-1-1-2 formation. 3 kids hauling leaves, one adult there to support in case they fall apart, and then one adult up top actually doing chores and two grandparents watching television in the living room until they fall asleep."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a player rebellion threatens team unity later in the season.

Solitary Man Enters US Open Cup

Anchorage, AK- Entered as Dave United, Dave Williams of Anchorage, Alaska reportedly made the final entrant list of the 2018 US Open Cup giving the middle management IT networking professional just a few weeks to assemble a team in order to play.


"I'm in," casually stated Williams to friends and family. "I can't wait for the glory of winning the cup!"

Williams realized that being from Anchorage allowed him a geographic isolation that would force teams without a travel budget to forfeit their games against him. He consistently bid for home field advantage and swept through the early rounds of the US Open Cup as an undefeated side before setting a date to play FC Aurora.

"Dave United is a new team for a new world," stated Williams to his Dave United Facebook Page currently liked by only his mother and his friend Paul. "Dave United is bold. Dave United is innovative. Dave United is very, very Dave. People like my mother say that Dave United is THE flagship Anchorage side and we can't wait to bring the cup back to the city."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Williams considers whether he will let anyone join Dave United that isn't named Dave.


Donald Trump Appoints Ivan Savvidis As MLS Liaison For New Guns On Fields Program

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced, on Tuesday, that he appointed Pan-Thessalonian Athletic Club of Constantinopolitans (PAOK) owner Ivan Savvidis as Major League Soccer (MLS) liaison for his new Guns on Fields program.

 "You call that VAR?"

"You call that VAR?"

"Ivan is a great guy. Guns are neat. We need more of them to protect us from terrorists and people who aren't white," stated President Trump to The Nutmeg News. "This program is the best. It shows why my poll numbers are greater than Jesus. I might be Jesus. Guns for everyone!"

Department officials with the National Rifle Association say that Savvidis will head up the Guns On Fields program as a way to arm all MLS owners.

"We feel that the only way to stop the incessant violence on the field is if all owners and players are carrying handguns," stated NRA spokesman Ian Michael Douche. "We must arm Merritt Paulson, Robb Heineman, and Arthur Blank with Glock hand guns and AR-15 rifles. More guns on fields, more owners and players with guns will level the playing field against the constant barrage of terrorist attacks and home invasions that our nations soccer fields currently have to suffer from places like Chicago.... a notoriously gun free place."

NRA statisticians say that their plan is to outfit all players and owners in MLS with guns and then move on to arming all MLB and Hockey players. The organization remains tight lipped on whether this program will extend to the NBA.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the check clears.

Dumb In-Joke Scarf Not Selling As Well As Man Anticipated

Portland, OR - A dumb in-joke scarf made to celebrate an inadvertent comment by Timbers fan Jeremy Little was, reportedly, not selling as well as creator Tyler Evans anticipated leaving Evans with a mass quantity of scarf bundles.

 More scarfs for the scarf god!

More scarfs for the scarf god!

"I thought everyone knew about Ty's yelled aloud statement of, 'Panties And Wins Are Things I'm Down With,' in section 105 at the end of the 2017 season," stated Evans to The Nutmeg News. "I mean, we went through the mockup phase and no one said that this was a bad idea, well... no one I'd listen to."

Evans created a green and white scarf with the slogan, "Panties And Wins Are Things I'm Down With," on one side and a composite image of an axe with an overlay of women's underwear.

"As God is my witness, I thought everyone saw the hashtag on twitter," stated Evans as he frantically tweeted out another link to the order page. "Everyone wants custom scarves and this was the in-joke of the year with my 10 or so friends that heard Jerm's statement."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans announces he will donate all the proceeds to charity as soon as he has some proceeds.

Joey Saputo Celebrates As He Resists Urge To Fire Rémi Garde After Opening Day Loss

MONTREAL - Joey Saputo, the president of the Montreal Impact, celebrated his recent attempt at patience as he resisted the urge to fire head coach Rémi Garde after the opening day loss against the Vancouver Whitecaps.

 Don't get TOO comfortable, Rémi

Don't get TOO comfortable, Rémi

"I've been working on self control," stated Saputo to The Nutmeg News. "And I feel like this is a great moment for me, so I'm going to take a little break and celebrate having the willpower to avoid having 6 head coaches since 2011."

Sources indicate that after Mauro Biello departed the team in October of 2017, a reflective Saputo made a priority out being patient for the 2018 season, at least until October.

"I'm 100% behind Rémi," stated Saputo. "I'm here for him, until I'm not, but I'm not not going to be there for him when I need to not be there to be there for him if he needs me there at all, which he will not, unless he does."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Saputo starts getting an itchy feeling around October/November.

Defending Champion, Toronto FC, On Pace To Miss Playoffs

TORONTO - In a shocking development from Major League Soccer (MLS), defending MLS Cup Champion Toronto FC are on pace to miss the playoffs if the season ended today.


Pundits and fans alike were shocked by the development as TFC crashed out of the regular season and post season via a loss to the Columbus Crew, on Saturday.

"After last season I thought things were going to be different for them," stated CBC Correspondent Guy Lafleur. "Then we see that things aren't that much different at all."

"I think it's time to hit the panic button, sell all the players and start fresh," stated TFC fan Andrea Howser. "We need to accept that this is a lost season and that we are just going to have to build for next year."

Insider sources within the organization say that the TFC brass was apoplectic after the loss on Saturday stating that no one's job is safe.

"We didn't spend all this money to struggle this bad," stated one source from inside the front office. "Heads will roll, mark my word.... heads... will... roll"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when fans decide to protest in game 2 of the season.

Casual Friday Not What Soccer Supporter Thought It Would Be

Philadelphia, PA - Entering the office yelling, "U WOT M8," soccer supporter Isaac Redmond was reportedly surprised to find out that Casual Friday at his workplace was not what he thought it would be.

Sporting a Flatcap, a Stone Island jacket, Fred Perry polo, a Burberry scarf and Adidas Spezial shoes, Redmond immediately noticed that his coworkers were simply wearing jeans and t-shirts with beat up Converse sneakers or Crocks defying the mandate of Casual Friday.

"I'm ready for a right BOVVER, ya cunts," emailed Redmond to his workplace distribution group as he received a notification for an immediate meeting with Human Resources. 

Redmond replied to the meeting notification with a denial notification and a specific message that stated, "SPEZIALE LIBERO! #NoPyroNoParty #AHRAB #ACAB."

"I'm not certain what these lads are up to," stated Redmond to The Nutmeg News. "They are acting like they want a prawn sandwich. We need to get out there and bust up some heads and not cave to the old bill."

Co-workers state that Redmond opened a Strongbow over lunch and initiated a conversation with his boss that started with, "Wot, mate? Fuckin City's on a blinder, innit?"

Redmond then finished lunch, lit off a flare and smoke bomb that he dropped on the floor of the reserved stall in the company bathroom and strolled away to head to the pub for a, "nice lager and some chips."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Redmond manages to ruin Casual Friday for everyone.

"I Am Not In Shape For This," Gasps Red Bull Supporter 20 Minutes Into Game

Harrison, NJ - While pogoing extensively in the South Ward, tonight, Red Bull New York fan Sean Hamilton gasped, "I am not in shape for this," as he attempted to hold it together during the CONCACAF Champions League game against CD Olimpia.

 More pogo? You guys? Are we sure? Anyone want to start a chant where we sit down?

More pogo? You guys? Are we sure? Anyone want to start a chant where we sit down?

Hamilton spent the entirety of the offseason eating junk food and attempting to switch from IPA's to Stout beers as his preparation for the season kicked into overdrive.

Concerned friends asked Hamilton if he was ok as he momentarily grabbed his knees and bent over at the waist in some futile attempt to collect more oxygen into his lungs. Mr Hamilton, reportedly, then wondered out loud if he was starting to get a bit too old for this.

According to sources within the stadium, New York fan Tony Mayhew stated, "the only way you are getting through this is with another beer," to which Mr Hamilton obliged as the sweat mixed in with the rain on his face.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hamilton calls in sick to work due to some cold or fl.u that he picked up Thursday night.

Unoriginal Arsenal Fan Starts Preparing #WengerOut Sign For MLS Opening Game

San Jose, CA - Desperately unoriginal Arsenal and San Jose Earthquakes fan Jack Ingram began preparing a #WengerOUT sign for the upcoming Earthquakes home opener game of the 2018 season while watching Arsenal lose 3-0 to Manchester City.


"If there's something that everyone loves it's fans bringing signs and banners that have absolutely nothing to do with either of the teams playing," stated Ingram to The Nutmeg News. "Traditionally I would've made something for Wondolowski, but now I'm going to spend a few hours ensuring that I have a well made and laminated #WengerOUT sign."

Friends state that Ingram frequently threatened to bring a WengerOUT sign if things did not improve for Arsenal, but previously held off. This season, though, Ingram has been strident that he will do anything to remove Wenger from his, "unmitigate corruption of all things holy in the world," as Ingram ranted on his Facebook page.

"Jack's just going to say it's all a joke," stated friend Dominic Gooden. "But you don't make a dumb sign like that and take it to a game that has nothing to do with Arsenal to have it be a joke. I've told him a million times that it's dumb to bring that sign to an Earthquakes game, but....Jack's Jack.... if you know what I mean."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a confident Ingram readies for his moment in the sun.

President Trump Pushes USSF To Use FIFA Gamers For US Men's National Team

WASHINGTON - Stating, "video games get bigly results," a seemingly syphilitic Donald Trump reportedly pressured the US Soccer Federation (USSF) to utilize the nation's FIFA Gamers for the United States Men's National Team.


According to insider sources, President Trump came to this conclusion after conflating School Violence with Violent Video games as he suddenly exclaimed, "I know how to fix the United States Men's National Team."

With the federation calling in gamers from across the United States for a camp and scrimmage in Bradenton, Florida, sources indicate that the results have been mixed, so far.

"Well, um.... it appears that video games don't really seem to translate to real life," stated one anonymous assistant coach. "Honestly, I don't think any of these guys have kicked a ball recently..... maybe ever. I'm not certain how this is going to work out. They keep yelling stuff like TRIANGLE, TRIANGLE, and I thought they were trying a formation shift, but then they said that's how they get a through ball."

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that FIFA player Jason "DicksOutForHaramBentner" Lewis was called into the national team and he reported that the setup was, "dope."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when USSF orders twenty cases of Mountain Dew in order to get the best performance out of the national team.


Doubting Player Kicked Off SheBelieves Squad

Columbus, OH - Just days away from kickoff in the SheBelieves Cup, French midfielder Claudette Bernard was told to go home after confirming that she privately admitted that she doubted whether the side would win the SheBelieves Cup.

 This is both a stupid article and an informative infographic! 

This is both a stupid article and an informative infographic! 

Bernard reportedly had the conversation late in the evening on the 26th of February after training was over. Her comments were reportedly grounds for dismissal from the squad.

"I believe in myself," stated a crestfallen Bernard to The Nutmeg News. "However, it is very true that there are many great teams in this tournament, so I cannot say that we will win the cup."

Fans were aghast at the news as Theresa Williams from San Jose stated, "This is the SheBelieves cup, not the SheDoesn'tBelieve Cup. I'm only here for the players that believe!"

After being shunned due to her godless atheistic tendencies, Bernard stated that she wouldn't stop believing in herself while being realistic, unless that starts to mess with her bottom line as she stated, "I still believe! Believe me! She Believes... in herself... I just have to admit that there are many good....." 

The Nutmeg News will have less from Bernard unless SheBelieves in the future.

Ultra Exchange Program Shows The Highs And Lows Of Being A Supporter

EDINBURGH - Reports from the newly instituted Ultra Exchange Program shows the highs and lows of being a supporter as Thomas Evans of Littleton, Colorado exchanged places with Connor McDougal of Edinburgh, Scotland for the month.


A confident Evans departed Denver International Airport (DIA) for the Six Nations Tournament to replace Evans as a Scottish Ultra with the knowledge that he would be well prepared for the antics due to his involvement with the Colorado Rapids Ultras groups.

Letters from the front line show a curious and confident Evans as he wrote home from the beginning of his trip.

"Dearest Mother,

May God almighty give me the good faith to persevere through the trials ahead me. I have been in the land of Scots for 48 hours and find them to be a good but energetic peoples. I hired a translator named Angus to help me communicate in the local dialect which appears to be a combination of swears, slang and rough grunting. The food here exists. We must push ahead to our date at the Murrayfield Stadium. There we will renew the age old battle with tremendous vigor. My great uncle dated a Scottish woman, once, so I don this kilt and kit with humility in acknowledgement of my lineage.

The football is on at a normal time, mama. You wouldn't not believe it. Why a man could support many teams in the English competition with this much time. I, myself, clad in a Sheffield Wednesday scarf that I purchased from an Armenian man on the Ebay was plied with large drafts of beer and so the trip began. 

Yours in love,

Thomas Evans."

According to his host family, Evans hasn't been seen since Scotland defeated England 3 days ago. His last communication to his family was the following text message.

"Must come home, Puke Piles everywhere. Too much Buckfast. My Adidas are covered in vomit after I slipped and fell. Nothing like The Real Football Factories With Danny Dyer. Too much walking. No one wants to drive. Why, God, Why."

Conversely, Scottish Rugby Ultra Connor McDougal admitted that he is having a fantastic time in Evan's Littleton home as he was found watching English, European, and American soccer games on his couch eating Captain Crunch after consuming a large amount of Cannibus from a dispensary near Evan's home.

"Aye," stated McDougal as he pulled up a laptop to watch a Youtube stream of a pre-season MLS game. "This game is great, it is so slow. I like that its slower so I can follow along... or am... I following along? Is this here .... now or a stream from later..... like..... a future stream in the past?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McDougal attempts to figure out how to stream the Ireland v Scotland game while timing his edible marijuana brownies and friends mount a rescue mission to extract Evans from a Celtic soccer bar in Glasgow where the Sheffield Wednesday scarf was mistaken for Rangers.