"Attempted Destruction Of Columbus Crew Now Don Garber's Long Term Legacy," Say Fans

The association of soccer fans in the United States, Canada and select parts of the world paying attention all agreed that the attempted absolute destruction of the Columbus Crew would be considered Don Garber's long term legacy from here on out regardless of what happens.

 "I'll move your club just as soon as I can find another city ready to take it."

"I'll move your club just as soon as I can find another city ready to take it."

We spoke to Columbus native Dale Gillfry who stated, "All I think about when it comes to Don Garber is his willful destruction of the team that I love and grew up watching. I think about the fact that he stood by and facilitated a snake oil salesman moving the team that I love away from the city that I love. My dad took me to games. I've taken my kids to games. This is encouraged theft and Garber is responsible."

Our reporters spoke to soccer fans from Los Angeles to New York and despite their investment in Major League Soccer, all acknowledged their understanding of Garber's legacy in killing the Crew.

"Yeah, Donnie just stood by, accepted his Soccer Hall Of Fame induction and tried to kill MLS in Columbus, didn't he?" stated Galaxy fan David Gutierrez.

"It's amazing that the Commissioner of the league just screwed all these fans out of their history," stated Sporting Kansas City fan Deborah Hays.

"I don't really find it that surprising," stated San Jose fan James Wilson. "He tried to screw us over and has a history of not caring about the fans at all. So the fact that he would actively facilitate salting the earth in Columbus seems like par for the course for him."

According to league biographers, Garber is a saint who kept the league alive. However, according to fans, his history will always be one of inventing a myriad of byzantine rules that obfuscate the acquisition process to an insane degree, going against organized labor, killing the original San Jose Earthquakes, the Columbus Crew, Chivas USA, the Miami Fusion, and the Tampa Bay Mutiny, and attempting to put three teams in Texas.

"If you look at it one way, the dude is a straight up club serial killer," stated D.C. United fan Paul Kovacevich. "Granted a few of them were a reality of business, but you almost have to respect a league that cares so little it will intentionally disenfranchise the fans, however small, of five separate teams in 17 years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league tries to figure out a way to spin this whole situation as a positive.

Donnie Wahlberg Looks Into Purchasing NPSL Team

Boston, MA - After hearing of his brother Mark's interest in buying the Columbus Crew, actor and entrepreneur Donnie Wahlberg announced his interest in a National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) team.

 From: https://goalnation.com/fc-frederick-joins-npsl/ 

From: https://goalnation.com/fc-frederick-joins-npsl/ 

"We can base it in the Boston area," stated Wahlberg to The Nutmeg News. "We are workshopping names, but it will either be called New Kicks On The Block or Wahlbangers FC."

Fans of the starved for soccer Boston area admit that it would be fantastic to have a local side for which to root.

"I'd love to have some local soccer," stated fan of the sport James Killkenny. "We don't have anything around here, for soccer, and I'm not about to go all the way out to Foxborough if Tom Brady isn't playing."

According to the NPSL, they have yet to hear anything concrete from Mr Wahlberg, but that didn't stop the owner of Wahlburgers from talking about this upcoming action with online publications.

"Yeah, it'll be great. We can have concessions provided by Wahlburgers and the music will be provided by old school jams from New Kids On The Block and The Funky Bunch. I've even heard that Dominic, a nephew of mine, played some online soccer so it'll give him a good chance at playing some outdoor sports."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as New Kicks On The Block takes on Good Vibrations FC in the US Open Cup.

Orlando City Fan Plans To Lash Out At Other Orlando Fans On Social Media Until This Team Situation Is Fixed

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Hugo Perez admitted that after the recent loss by City to D.C. United that he planned at lashing out at other Orlando City fans on social media until this whole team situation is resolved.

"One win in 15 games. FIFTEEN GAMES," stated Perez to The Nutmeg News. "And you know what, it's all that and we know that, but seriously the thing I freaking hate is that stupid flag that James made. Seriously, fuck that guy."

The fan referred to as James is actually James Ortega of Pine Hills who drives in to attend games with his girlfriend Sandra.

"If people have things to say they can say it to me or stop being a toxic crybaby" subtweeted Ortega online to his 250 Twitter followers."I'm just there to enjoy the game and not have to listen to a bunch of whining from people who don't do anything."

This sudden beef rallied fans onto both sides of the argument as the pulsating frenzy over Ortega v Perez began to outpace the anger the Orlando fans over the recent loss.

"Both of those guys are assholes," stated Orlando City fan Terrance Ruffins on the Facebook thread that spun out of control over the recent loss. "But not as much as those guys that aren't singing over in section 23. We are working our ass off and they are just doing nothing. If they wanted to stand and do nothing they should move over to 118."

The Nutmeg News spoke to some fans over in section 23 including longtime season ticket holder of 4 years Jefferson Anderson of Orlovista. "I've just about had it with the freaking losses, but I hate those guys over in section 24 who think their shit doesn't stink. It's one thing to lose every week, but it's another to have to deal with fans who make this whole thing a chore to even deal with."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to fight each other instead of thinking about soccer.

2018/2019 Season Already Over For Reno Based Fulham Fan

Reno, NV - Local Fulham fan Patrick Chan admitted that the 2018 season was already over as his side wen't down 2-0 in the first game of the season.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it, " stated Mr. Chan to The Nutmeg News. "We had a good run of about 40 minutes before the season came to an end. It was a good run, but eventually the pressure was going to get to us."

According to himself, Mr. Chan didn't have high expectations for the season, but upon going down 2-0 to Crystal Palace,the realization kicked in that this would be the end of any possible title for which Fulham would challenge.

"I picked them randomly a few years ago," stated Chan. "I knew what I was getting myself into. When they made it back into the premier league I knew that as soon as the season kicked off that it would spell the end of our league challenge. It's fine, I suppose, as it is the reality of the league."

Despite his pessimism, Mr. Chan stated that he was hopeful for a successful season of, "avoiding a relegation battle and watching one win on the road. I'm hoping that it won't just be a campaign of pure misery."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Chan takes the positives from a sterling 40 minute title challenge.

Area Woman Remains Fan Of English Team Primarily So She Can Avoid Local Soccer Fans

Portland, OR - Portland soccer fan Isabella Theresa admitted that she remains a fan of English team Tottenham Hotspur primarily to avoid having to deal with local soccer fans in the Portland area.


"Oh sure, I say it is because the quality is better.... and it is.... but let's be honest... I like watching the games and not having to deal with the local people perpetually moaning about things," stated Ms. Theresa. 

Friends state that Ms. Theresa started following Tottenham over 10 years ago and stayed loyal regardless of the results.

"She definitely loves Spurs," stated good friend Linda Jones. "I tried to get her into the Timbers, but she said that she doesn't like all the drama that comes with the fans."

"There's nothing pleasant about the fans of your team moaning to you in person about all the things that have nothing to do with your team," stated Ms. Theresa to The Nutmeg News. "I just want to watch soccer and talk about soccer. Is that too much to ask?"

Reportedly, the abuse that Ms Theresa gets from fans on Twitter for not supporting her local team is just another nail in the coffin of her perpetual, unending support of Tottenham as she stated, "Look, I like what I like. What I don't like is having everyone tell me that I'm doing it wrong. Based upon what I see online with Timbers fans that's all that they ever do. I'm just going to stick with watching Spurs from abroad, taking trips over to London when I can and enjoying my irrational sports fandom as much as anyone else who ever found a team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the 5 minutes that Ms. Theresa spends on Facebook looking at comments on a Timbers post convinces her of her decision.

"I Killed Chivas USA And By God I'll Do It Again," Rants Nelson "Hatchet" Rodriguez To Chicago Fire Fans

CHICAGO - An unhinged Nelson Rodriguez reportedly ranted, "I killed Chivas USA and by God I'll do it again," to a collected group of Chicago Fire fans who voiced their displeasure at the recent draconian sanctions levied by the front office.



According to sources who were there, Rodriguez was asked about the recent sanctions and outright bans with season ticket revocations handed down to both individual Fire fans, Section 8 and Sector Latino when an irate Rodriguez launched into his now famous statement. 

Rodriguez reportedly ripped up a picture of the Harlem End and challenged Fire supporter Jay Delgado to a fist fight stating, "I AM THE LAW!"

Fans lobbied for over a month for this face to face time with Rodriguez in an attempt to have some kind of verbal communication with the front office of the Fire, but apparently they were blindsided by the pure rage of Rodriguez as he paced the room like a caged tiger.


Mr. Rodriguez then ripped his shirt off, flipped a table over and left while jauntily whistling a tune.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire tweet about their J.D. Power ranking of #1 fan satisfaction for the Chicago area in 2016.

LAFC Fans Attempt To Hold Strong After Worst Defeat In Six Month History Of Team

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) fans attempted to band together and hold strong after the worst defeat in the six month history of the team as LAFC lost on penalty kicks in the semi-final of the US Open Cup to the Houston Dynamo.

USOC Final.jpg

"We ..... WE WILL REBUILD," stammered an emotional Jason Redding after he shut off the stream and sat in a darkened room by himself.  "I didn't know when it will happen, but I'll see a US Open Cup in my lifetime."

Long suffering fan Angela Gutierrez stated, "We will rise from the ashes of this great fall. We will all suffer together and live again."

While reactions were mostly sorrowful, some LAFC fans took their frustration out on the players who let them down as fan Paul Nguyen stated, "GODDAMMIT CIMAN," on Twitter.

Many LAFC fans, however, admitted that they would work their way through this as better days were on the horizon.

"We can make it through this. Shoulder to shoulder we will survive," stated 3252 supporters group member David Chao. "This may be the darkest day of this team, but we will find ourselves a better dawn."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the battle tested fans head for their first run in to the MLS playoffs.

Man Has, "A Lot Of Things Going On Right Now, But Keep Me In Mind The NEXT Time You Paint"

St Louis, MO - According to a hastily worded voicemail message left on supporter's group member Dontrell Williams phone, Robert Henry of St. Louis has, "a lot of things going on right now, but keep me in mind the NEXT time you paint."

 "Yeah, bro, TREY busy, bro. I've got like a concert and a few things going on, yeah. TOTALLY packed weekend. Man, like... I only have Overwatch penciled in around 2:00 am."

"Yeah, bro, TREY busy, bro. I've got like a concert and a few things going on, yeah. TOTALLY packed weekend. Man, like... I only have Overwatch penciled in around 2:00 am."

Henry reportedly approached some people with the Louligans supporters group a few months ago about painting T.I.F.O and groused online about the lack of opportunity with regards to the opportunity to paint.

According to friend Paul Prince, "Bobby just wanted to get more involved."

However, when Williams contacted Henry with the opportunity to be involved in painting the next Louligans T.I.F.O, Henry was reportedly busy.

"This is like the 4th time I've reached out to him," stated Williams to The "Nutmeg News. "At this point, I'm just not going to reach out anymore. Every single time he is busy, or sick, or moving, or previously scheduled."

With Henry unavailable, Williams called St Louis supporter Carla Sanchez for the 26th time for her help as he stated, "If Carla didn't come in every time we would be screwed."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carla Sanchez admits that the continual reliance on her skills is draining her ability to enjoy going to games anymore.

David Beckham To Purchase And Move Seattle MLS Franchise As Anticipation Builds For "Miami Sounder Machine"

Miami, FL - Letting the rhythm get him, international superstar and teacher-shagger David Beckham reportedly launched an audacious process to purchase and move the Seattle Major League Soccer franchise to Miami where he will call them Miami Sounder Machine.



"It finally all made sense," stated a white linen clad Beckham as he took a deep breath from behind his desk covered in deep stacks of soccer paraphernalia. "We tried everything from Miami FC to Miami City FC to City FC, to FC FC to Atletico Miami to Miami United before we realized we needed a LOCAL connection. And what's more local than the ever young Gloria Estefan. This way we honor our past in Seattle, our future in Miami and our ever-present branding that is changed just enough so we don't have to pay a royalty."

Beckham reportedly trademarked, "Miami Sounder Machine," this week as he prepared for the 2020 season somewhere within 200 miles of South Beach.

"Our supporters group is called the Steel Drum Ultras. It's amazing, they just play steel drums the entire time," stated Beckham to our reporter. "They will stand next to the Cuban Ultras who will have their own smoking section. It's going to be amazing. Legalize Cigar Pyro!"

We spoke to head capo of the Steel Drum Ultras, Thurman Purdo, who stated, "we already have a song worked out for our team.  I've printed out the lyrics but they are as follows,

'Come on, shake your body baby,
Do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ,

We just repeat this 100 times over the next 15 minutes.

Yeah, It's gonna be epic. We already have 10 steel drums lined up."

Furious Seattle fans were reportedly blindsided by the news as they immediately re-used their Clay Bennett material for Adrian Hanauer and David Beckham.

"This is absolute horse shit," stated Emerald City Supporter member Terry Wirral. "Now I know what Columbus is going through. This is 100% Joe Roth and Brian Schmetzer's fault somehow. FIRE SCHMETZERS. But seriously, Roth has to go, maybe. Or whoever it is. Screw them."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Mr. Roth but he was reportedly spending the day asking whether he can make cocaine jokes now that the team is based in Miami.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a ebullient Roth screams "I AM GOLDEN GOD!" before he smashes a car through the foyer of Drew Carrey's house to tell him about the move.

"No Bad Ideas" Motto Is Shelved After T.I.F.O Crew Hears A Number Of Really Bad Ideas

Minneapolis, MN - The Minnesota United T.I.F.O crew "1867 Ultras" reportedly shelved their original design motto of "No Bad Ideas" after receiving a number of really bad ideas for their upcoming painting projects.

 Like this but EEEEEEVIL. You know what I mean,.... like laser eyes, a mustache or something.

Like this but EEEEEEVIL. You know what I mean,.... like laser eyes, a mustache or something.

"We started this crew with the idea of really making a difference in the stands and being welcoming to everyone and their ideas," stated 1867 Ultras member James "Woof" Peterson. "However, talk about your all-time backfires. It turns out that people really don't know good design or banner ideas from a hole in the ground filled with bad cheese and moldy bananas."

After a recent pitch session, Woof and his friends Carl "Ace" Anderson, Samuel "Bronco" Rodriguez, and Matt Williamson discussed not taking any idea from anyone, anymore.

"Good god, some of the shit we got," stated Anderson to our reporter. "I really wanted to believe that people, if inspired, would come up with some great banner ideas. Instead I've just steadily lost faith in humanity and I don't believe we really ever need to listen to another half baked idea about Groot and Rocket ever again. Someone suggested a dark cloud. No message, but just a dark cloud. Look, we get it.... you want a giant black blob that we hold up. Sounds epic."

According to people who attended the pitch session, a number of ideas were thrown around including one bold statement that was given as the following stammering disjointed message, "how about a walleye.... like an angry walleye... like an EVIL angry walleye, you know. Like a fish that will just as soon kill you as look at you. Or you know maybe like a mosquito, but you know... a big one....like, um... sucking the blood out of our opponents ON a walleye. A mosquito Walleye combo, with like the mosquito wearing chaps and the chaps have like the United logo on it.."

Despite the terrible ideas, Peterson remains convinced in a democratic method as he stated, "The problem isn't the people, it's that their ideas are dumb. We just need better ideas and if that means that we stop listening to the people who give them and just come up with our own ideas, then so be it. I don't know what you call that, but it is still democracy as far as I'm concerned, we just aren't listening to the people anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Peterson sits and nods through an exquisite conversation regarding an Oasis banner, but done in the style of fairground caricatures. 



Player Ensures That Twitter Profile Is Vague Enough To Allow Him To Play For Any Team

Tulsa, OK - United Soccer League (USL) player Ramon Sanchez admitted that he keeps his twitter profile and picture vague enough to allow him to play for any team in North America after online confrontations with upset fans from previous teams.

 Learn from the best, kids.

Learn from the best, kids.

"It used to be that I updated my photo and my profile to fit my teams." said Sanchez in an exclusive Q&A with his nephews u-12 soccer team. "But now I realize that I need to have my twitter profile and picture be non-specific enough to ensure my employment with all the NPSL, MLS, USL, and CPL teams that I have a chance with signing."

Sanchez reportedly got in trouble six years ago with fans of the Rochester Rhinos by not switching his twitter profile fast enough as he had the wrong description and the wrong kind of kit in his photo, and he vowed after that to ensure that his picture was a simple headshot with a nondescript description such as "Child of God, professional wanderer". Sanchez admitted that he pays his publicist to ensure that his account only reposts the most banal quotes and statements before games.

"I've really stopped using twitter altogether and just use it to ensure that I send out my notifications for the new Nike boots, or I'll have my publicist send out information that makes it seem like I'm online." said Sanchez. "It's the only healthy way to live."

Fans with the Tulsa Roughnecks reportedly appreciate the complete lack of effort that Sanchez gives with his Twitter account as they stated, "He really seems to enjoy getting out and taking nondescript pictures of buildings and dogs. It's pretty impressive."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez admits he hasn't logged into his Twitter account in over two years.

Legendary Soccer Zine Folds After Two Issue Run

NEW YORK - Legendary New York Red Bull zine Metro Time called a close to their lengthy run of two issues after editor-in-chief Todd "gamma" Raver announced the final issue dealing with The Man in the Stands would not be released.

 Look, man, the fumes are only bad if you don't breathe through your scarf.

Look, man, the fumes are only bad if you don't breathe through your scarf.

"We want to thank everyone in the community who supported us from day one," stated Raver to his 130 Twitter followers. "We had a good run, but it was time."

Metro Time was exclusively printed in the living room of Raver's walk-up apartment in Queens as the zine attempted to blend in elements of the New York hardcore scene, supporters group information, and the games that Red Bull New York played.

"We never sold out," stated journalist and all-around-drunk Arnie Gorena. "And by that I mean we never sold out of the number of copies that we printed at any one time."

According to friends of Raver and Gorena, hundreds of people managed to avoid eye contact on game day in an attempt to dodge a conversation about the zine as they pledged online their support for the project.

"Finally, an article for supporters written by supporters," stated Paul Isaac who reportedly skimmed the article that he was reading before he logged online to Instagram to favorite a picture of a cat in a top hat. 

Raver credited the longevity of the zine to, "not giving a fuck, bro," before he stated that he would possibly release a legacy collectors edition of the two previous editions of Metro Time in a leather-esque bound coffee table book just as soon as he finishes his 2 week learning annex course in book binding.

"I just want to thank all the fans, even the poseurs, that read my masterpiece," stated Raver to his Facebook page.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Raver and Gorena talk about starting up the zine again before deciding that would be a waste of time and playing FIFA instead.

North Carolina Courage Ready For Playoff Loss After Clinching NWSL Shield

Cary, NC - The North Carolina Courage are, reportedly, ready for their upcoming playoff loss after clinching the NWSL shield on Sunday for the best record in the league. 


"We would like to apologize for our fans for our future performance," stated head coach Paul Riley. "And we would like to state that we will put a better effort into not winning the shield next season as we prepare for the 2019 NWSL season in Atlanta as the Atlanta Beat FC."

According to insider sources, the Courage drastically overshot their desired point total and realized that they were going to win the shield and lose in the playoffs last week at which point it was already too late.

"Dammit," stated owner Stephen Malik. "We were hoping for a championship, not the consolation prize, again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage prepare for the offseason, again.

American Based Chelsea Fan Looking For Lyrics To Songs He Won't Sing When He Visits Stamford Bridge In 4 Months

NEW YORK - Dan Hartford, an American based Chelsea Football Club fan, reportedly spent most of his Monday looking for the lyrics to all the Chelsea songs that he definitely won't sing when he visits Stamford Bridge for the first time in four months.


"If I can just find all the lyrics maybe I'll feel comfortable really letting loose," lied Hartford to himself as he scrolled through The Shed End, Talk Chelsea and the Big Soccer Chelsea forum. "I just need to download them, memorize them and practice them in a place where literally no one can hear me."

Friends say that Hartford barely sings when he attends United States games as he prefers to rely on other people to make noise.

"There's no way he is going there and actually going to do much of anything," stated moderately decent friend who only knows Hartford through Twitter, Thomas Olivares. "I'm pretty certain Dan is just going to seize up, look around and try not to sing so he doesn't give away his yank accent."

Hartford, however, is adament that with a bit of practice over the next four months that he will be ready to go as he stated, "I'm not ready now so please do not ask me to sing anything because I'm not ready at all. However, I'll totally be ready in a few months... I just need some more practice time and I'll be ready to go. I'm absolutely certain that I can get some of these memorized by the time I visit the stadium."

The Nutmeg News will have more when Hartford admits that he forgot about any of this in 3 months. 

Architecture Team Asked To Change Stadium Renderings For New USL Side To Reflect Mostly Empty Stadium

Meridian, MS - The owners of prospective United Soccer League side Atletico Meridian reportedly asked Stanley, Williams and Deloitte, the architecture team responsible for their stadium renderings, to scale back the renderings to accurately reflect a mostly empty stadium.




"After interacting with the local community, it became apparent that we may have overestimated the interest in a team here," stated club president Jefferson Lauderdale. "We asked our architecture team to scale back the crowd numbers in the stadium proposal to reflect what we think the atmosphere will really be like."

According to insiders who had a look at the new renderings, the stadium crowd scenes were modified from a 10,000 person capacity filled stadium with flags, smoke, T.I.F.O, and concession stands to a two sided High School Football grandstand and roughly 500 disinterested people attempting to surf on their phones while keeping their children from running onto the pitch.

"It's probably the most truthful thing I've ever done," stated designer Peter Williams. "If you look closely you can even see a man drinking way too much under a VIP tent and ignoring his wife while she attempts to see if she can book another session with her personal trainer Rocco. We went deep on this one."

Fans of the team say that they are excited for the new rendering regardless of the changes.

"We know that soccer CAN and WILL succeed here," stated the president of the Atletico Meridian supporters group, club president and owner of the team Jefferson Lauderdale. "Meridian just needs a chance for professional soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atletico Meridian postpone their start date to 2020.

Historic Rivalry Of Six Months Finally Boils Over Into Violence

LOS ANGELES - The historical rivalry of Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) and the Los Angeles Galaxy that waxed eternal over the last six months finally boiled over into a frenzy of aggressive faux-hooliganism as LAFC fans attempted to finally put their imprint on the age-old rivalry by smashing a cooler, stealing scarves and generally being dicks to Galaxy fans.


"THIS IS OUR TIME," stated LAFC fan Sam Howelston as he ceremoniously burnt a LA Galaxy scarf that he bought the week before from Amazon. "WE CONTROL THE CITY, AS WE HAVE SINCE THE START OF THIS RIVALRY SIX MONTHS AGO."

The Nutmeg News sent a reporter to speak to rivalry historian Dr. James Frank Odderbody at the University of South-East California. 

"The origin of the rivalry is MANY days old. It is lost to history, but the roots are deep within the area. What you see is a class divide as LAFC is seen as the working class club owned by billionaires and the Galaxy are seen as the elite club also owned by billionaires. It's an age-old conflict of class values. The super rich versus the super rich, an american tradition. What we have here is the proxy conflict exacerbated by the clear dominance of AIG in the inflated ticket market."

We spoke to Galaxy fan Sean Driscoll who stated, "They were everywhere, suddenly. I thought I was going to drop my beer. They kept saying, 'welcome to LA,' but I actually live 10 minutes from here so I don't know what the hell they are talking about."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this historical rivalry is compared to the eternal derby of NYCFC versus RBNY.


Bradley Wright-Phillips Plans Elaborate Three Kit Reveal For Upcoming Hat Trick

NEW YORK - According to insider sources, Red Bull New York forward Bradley Wright-Phillips is planning an elaborate three kit reveal for an upcoming hat trick.

"We've already made up 101, 102, and 103 kits," stated one anonymous source, "and Bradley is planning on running around in four kits on game day to show how committed he is to the bit."

With a forecasted high of 87 degrees for the next Red Bull home game, Wright-Phillips is reportedly keen to get off the mark.

"He doesn't want to run around for more than one or two games with four kits on, so he's going to score that hat trick as soon as possible," stated one anonymous player from Panama. "I expect fireworks."

When asked how Wright-Phillips would avoid "pulling a Hassli" our source stated that Wright-Phillips would wait to reveal the kits until after scoring the third goal and then pull off all the kits in a row before levitating out of the stadium.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wright-Phillips debates being prepared for any number of goals that he could score by wearing 10 numbered kits under his kit.

Goodbye Post On Soccer Blog Generates More Traffic Than Previous 10 Articles Combined

INTERNET - The goodbye post from blog AroundMLS.com reportedly generated more traffic to the website than the previous 10 articles combined as the blog announced their departure from the internet to much critical fanfare.

"I'm going to really miss them," stated infrequent reader Jim Ellingsly who once complained about the website attempting to utilize Patreon in order to keep running. "They were a great example of a website that really connected with me regarding the league and I'm going to be sorry that they are gone."

These comments were echoed by soccer fan Henry Taylor who adamantly refused to turn off his ad-blocker when the website attempted to stay afloat by running advertisements, as he stated, "I'll really miss AroundMLS, but I'm confident that their legacy will be enshrined in the hearts of all soccer fans. I just wish they could've figured out a way to stay online. I guess it is just a sign of the times, here."

Even the community on Reddit mourned the loss of AroundMLS as user RickNMortyStan4SSFC stated, "I didn't even know they had a website. I just thought it was a Twitter account."

Toxic reddit user FinnBalor4PrezPlzSendNude commented, "Wow, I just thought about sharing something on my Facebook page from them but decided against overwhelming the general flood of Infowars links that my Parents were sharing online, but I wonder why they had to pull the plug."

With the veteran website closing up shop, many Soccer Writers took time to wish the bloggers for AroundMLS.com well as they stated, "Good luck, I'm sure someone not affiliated with my current job will consider picking you up before they realize that they are in danger of being fired for writing a critical piece about the NFL and stop returning your emails."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as AroundMLS writers consider relaunching the website for 1 second before letting the domain expire and sighing a giant sigh of relief.

Amway Canadian Championship Comes Down To Two Canadian Teams Again

For the 17th year in a row, the Voyageurs Cup (also known as the Amway Canadian Championship) boiled down to two Canadian teams as there were no teams from the United States left in the competition.

With Toronto FC and the Vancouver Whitecaps set to face off in the 2018 Championship game, it calls to mind the distinct lack of champions from the United States.

"What we have seen is unchecked Canadian aggression," stated Soccer writer, wine enthusiast, and tax accountant from Edmonton, Fabian Helfor. "The streak continues again this season as no American team has ever made it to the quarter-finals of the tournament."

Fans of both the Whitecaps and Toronto Football Club state that they demand their teams put everything into winning the Voyageurs Cup.

"We must increase Canadian dominance of this tournament," stated Whitecaps supporter Patricia Glassman. "Any slip in our performance would leave a tournament spot open to whichever team would claim them. I refuse to see Kansas City hosting the Voyageurs Cup."

We spoke to Fox analyst Alexi Lalas who called the lack of participation by American teams in the Voyageurs Cup a, "National disgrace that shows we should overthrow Canada politically and install a puppet dictatorship until United States teams are in the final or 200 years pass."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Canadian dominance continues into 2019.


Positive Attitude About Team Returns After Soccer Fan Is Unable To Log Onto Twitter

Salt Lake City, UT - While being unable to log into Twitter due to a cell service problem, Real Salt Lake fan Brent Daniels stated that he noticed a servere increase in his overall positive attitude regarding the MLS side.


"After not being burdened by all the negativity online I'm feeling a lot better about the chances of RSL this season," stated Daniels. "It's amazing what not looking at my phone every few seconds can do."

According to friends and family, Daniels is often seen looking at his phone repeatedly when bored, when busy and when doing literally every activity including watching television, playing games, family gatherings, funerals, weddings, attending concerts and sexual intercourse.

"He's always on that damn thing and he is always depressed," stated grandmother Denise Daniels. "I tell him that he just needs to step away from it and realize that Petke is going to be fine or he isn't... but what is Brent going to do. Now let me tell you about Alvaro Saborio, oh those were the days."

For his part, Daniels admitted that he likely spends too much time on Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook with the endless negativity from those versions of social media shaping his perspective of everything from the team selection to how well the team was playing.

"I actually realized that it's been forever since I actually... you know... watched a match all the way through. Did you know that Beckerman cut his hair," asked Daniels as his phone went off during our interview indicating that his cell service was restored and our interview was over.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Daniels walks into a glass door while staring at his phone while trying to decipher a tweet regarding RSL from an anonymous troll account.