"Only A Billionaire I Know Nothing About Can Fix The Problems With Our Team This Other Billionaire Created," States Soccer Fan

LOS ANGELES - Newcastle United fan Sam Dewalt stated that he was simply fed up with the ownership of Mike Ashley as he exclaimed, “Only a billionaire I know nothing about can fix the problems with our team this other billionaire created.”

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Dewalt, like most Americans, glorifies the acquisition of money over any other valuable in life as he stated, “You don’t end up being a billionaire without being smart and a good businessman, except for Mike Ashley.”

According to fellow Newcastle fans, Dewalt spent most of his week looking up other worldwide billionaires that expressed interest in English soccer teams as he attempted to ferret out who could fix the problems with the team that Ashely created.

“All it will take is someone with vast sums of money to purchase the team and for the new ownership to completely wipe out the debt and buy a boatload of great players” stated Dewalt. “We just need to find a really cash flush billionaire who can fix all our problems with one fell swoop.”

According to his Facebook page, Dewalt spent the last two months deriding Manchester City for purchasing the title while also advocating for the removal of Ashley and the appointment of literally anyone with any vast sum of money that would be interested in “Making Newcastle Great Again.”

“I said it once before during the 2016 elections and I’ll say it now. You can really trust a businessman who successfully runs a business and makes billions of dollars to altruistically look out for everyone else. All I’m asking is for some trickle down economics to pull Newcastle United up by their bootstraps.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dewalt continues to be an idiot.

Chicago Fire Desperately Exploring Every Possible Relaunch Situation Other Than Having An Ownership Group That Knows What It Is Doing

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire stated to reporters recently that they were exploring every possible relaunch situation with their franchise other than having an ownership group that knows what they are doing as they pushed forward to paying more money in relocation fees than most MLS teams will spend on a roster over 5 years.

“It’s gotta be the name and the stadium, not  the fact that the General Manager and the Owner of the team seem to regard the fans as a nuisance.”

“It’s gotta be the name and the stadium, not the fact that the General Manager and the Owner of the team seem to regard the fans as a nuisance.”

“Yeah, we are looking at a rename, a new mascot, new kits, new badge, new fans, new location, new … well… everything except for the ownership group that helped get us here in the first place,” stated one anonymous Fire employee. “Precourt….. er… sorry…. Hauptman really is all in on holding on with this strangulation death grip until this team hemorrhages money in every direction as they thrash about trying to recapture what they had in 1998.”

According to league representatives, every possible situation is on the table with the Fire except for Hauptman actually not being owner anymore as they try to figure out why the fans seem to not care.

“It’s got to be the stadium,” stated one league insider. “Not the fact that the ownership actually antagonized the fanbase repeatedly and had them removed from the stadium while insulting their intelligence and passion as fans until they didn’t show up. It HAS to be the stadium, or maybe the name. Maybe if we rename the team Chicago United SC everyone will forget that the current ownership has put one of the worst teams in the league on the field repeatedly over the last few years and figuratively spit in the face of many of the long time fans of the team until they felt like they couldn’t , in good conscience, attend games that they had already paid to attend.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new Chicago United FCSC Wanderers Rovers Atletico tells their fans to go screw themselves, but… you know… NICER this time.

Worldwide Scholars Announce That Literally Everything About Soccer Fans In The United States Is The Worst

Scholars from across the world announced today that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst as they released the results of a 10 year study.

Here a scientist tests whether organized groups of fans in the United States can even call themselves supporters.

Here a scientist tests whether organized groups of fans in the United States can even call themselves supporters.

“We spent 10 years looking at the traditions, habits, songs, chants, associations, coaches, players, kits, stadiums, T.I.F.O, choreography, supporters groups and teams in the United States,” stated German researcher Klaus Schmidt. “What we were able to determine unequivocally is that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst, regardless of which team they support (internationally or locally) or how a fan chooses to participate.”

The data from the team at the International Football Research Society (IFRS) in Zurich showed that even if you remove the judgment of rivals, haters and trolls, that the base American soccer fan is filled with 200% more cringe inducing moments than even the worst soccer fan in Europe.

“We were able to find hard data about the various songs your so-called supporters sing and they are all rated as the worst thing any fan in England, Germany, Spain, Italy, France, or the Netherlands has ever heard” stated Mr. Schmidt. “By every single European, English, or Balkan metric, no fan in the United States should ever sing, much less attend or care, about soccer. Literally everything Americans do around the game is 100% full of what you call cringe.”

Schmidt indicated that the research didn’t differ on whether fans were supportive of Major League Soccer or an overseas league.

“We thought there would be a different variable based upon the kind of fan that supports a franchise in Major League Soccer versus a fan that supports a team in La Liga,” stated Schmidt. “Instead, what we found is that while we acknowledge the utter terrible nature of the league, there is absolutely no difference in our metrics. The amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of European or far-flung leagues weighs statistically as much as the amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of their local franchise. As the numbers prove, there literally is no way for an American to support any team in the United States or abroad correctly.”

For his part, Schmidt stated that he feels for soccer fans in the United States, but indicates that if you are a soccer fan there, you need to acknowledge that the whole country is built around Cultural Assimilation and Appropriation of other peoples work into a new-money, cringe inducing display of faux-bravado.

The Nutmeg News will have more as soccer fans in the United States label the entire report as, “TOTAL BOLLOCKS, MATE.”

Manchester City Victory Allows Area Man Bragging Rights Over Guy At Work Who Might Like Soccer

NEW YORK - The victory of Manchester City on the last day of the Premier League allowed Thomas Price ultimate bragging rights over the guy at his work who might like soccer.

“Thomas, could you please get me that report on the first quarter when you are done stretching?”

“Thomas, could you please get me that report on the first quarter when you are done stretching?”

Stating, “Who’s on top this time! City is on top!” to a very confused receptionist, Thomas marched into work on Monday morning with a feeling of accomplishment and superiority to co-worker Kamal Hughes who Price noticed had a soccer website open one time when he was leading the meeting during a google hangout last weekend.

“I don’t know what club he supports but whatever club it is, it isn’t Manchester City, champions of England,” stated Price to The Nutmeg News. “I brought in a new t-shirt that I purchased from the official club store to pin up in my cubicle so he knows the truth. He’s probably a Liverpool fan and laying low. He should lay low. I’m just going to linger by his cubicle with my Manchester City coffee mug to really show him what’s up.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Hughes who stated he has no interest in soccer, that he remains a basketball fan and that the website being open on his computer was the result of his nephew who is an avid fan of Neymar,

However, this truth did not stop Mr. Price from strutting around the corridors of his office space like everyone there actually knew anything about the Premier League at all.

“City is champion and everyone else can suck it,” stated Mr. Hughes as his co-workers discussed who the Knicks would take in the draft in their company chat online.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes sets up his computer to automatically be playing the Manchester City trophy lift as he shares his screen on a webinar he is teaching regarding product integration.



MLS Announces Chick-fil-A As Soccer For All Campaign Sponsor

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, that religious chicken restaurant Chick-fil-A would become the Soccer For All campaign sponsor as the league broadly touted their commitment to equality.

“See! You guys had it wrong all along!”

“See! You guys had it wrong all along!”

“We believe soccer isn’t just for Gay and Lesbian people,” stated league commissioner Don Garber. “But as well, it is for Baptists, Catholics, Protestants and … um… others.”

Sources within the league indicate that the executive committee of MLS felt that their previous “don’t cross the line” campaign was too restrictive in keeping them from crossing the line.

“They felt that Don’t Cross The Line meant that they couldn’t partner with a restaurant that literally donates money to organizations that teach an anti-lgbtq message,” stated one anonymous MLS staff member.

League sources indicate that the executive committee and Don Garber see no problem with Chick-fil-A’s $1,653,416 donation to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, a religious organization that requires its employees to refrain from “homosexual acts”.

Garber himself stated that the league would donate a sum of money from games during the month of June to the Paul Anderson Youth Home, a Christian residential home that teaches young boys that same-sex marriage is a “rage against Jesus Christ and His values” as Chick-fil-A did in 2017.

“It’s important for our brand to be aligned for our sponsors and this Paul Anderson Youth Home sounds just lovely! Who doesn’t love youths and homes,” stated Don Garber.

For their part, the restaurant plans to use the sponsorship of Major League Soccer to make more money off the backs of gay and lesbian community that it so desperately seems to want to stamp out.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this probably actually happens.



Cover Band Playing After Soccer Game Worried That Opening Act Won't Bring Enough Fans

Des Moines, IA - 80’s rock cover band SpiderWarz indicated that they were concerned that the opening act of Des Moines United v Rockingham Atletico FC is not going to bring enough people to their upcoming gig.

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“They created a Facebook event page, but honestly… there’s not that many people RSVPing,” stated lead singer David Lee Hoth. “I’m guessing that they are going to rely on walk up ticket sales.”

Sources within Des Moines United indicate that the club had a bunch of friends RSVP to the upcoming game so they were certain they would show.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” stated Hoth. “Honestly, it’s looking like they are charging too much for their cover and we are going to be stuck with another gig where we are playing for each other by the time we close out the set.”

With an uptempo set based upon Guns N’ Roses, The Scorpions, Motley Crue, and Poison, SpiderWarz is hoping to retain the few people that do come out to see the opening act.

“They asked us to backline the gig and we are just waiting for confirmation that they are going to be quick with the soundcheck and tear down after their set,” stated Hoth to our reporter. “Hopefully we can get on stage and really start rocking so that we don’t lose everyone who is probably tired of sitting for that long.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hoth notices Des Moines United sneaking out during their second song.

Area Man Starts Regressive Politics Supporters Group

LOS ANGELES - Tired of what he indicates is, “progressive politics being shoved down my throat,” Los Angeles man Chad O’Neil started a regressive politics supporters group for Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) aimed at people who want to support soccer, hate socialists, defund all social programs, ban Muslims from the United States, make Americans speak English, chant homophobic slurs at players, and yell racist abuse whenever they want.

Joe Raedle / Getty Images

Joe Raedle / Getty Images

“FREE SPEECH! FREE SPEECH! I don’t like that fact that when I attend soccer games that I have to cover up the fact that I believe in the free-market, a small government, religious freedom for Christians, the prophecy of The Battle of Armageddon, and that women don’t deserve to make choices about their body,” stated O’Neil. “I miss the days when the stands were full of my brothers, we could yell whatever we wanted, and all of our team names were caricatures of indigenous people that this country ritualistically murdered because God told us to do so in our relentless expansion to the sea.”

Stating that his reaction was purely based on what he sees as the intolerance of the left to his political positions, Mr O’Neil stated that he was done being polite.

“These cucked lefties just want everything for free and for me to tolerate their lifestyle,” ranted O’Neil. “I demand an equal space where I will not be hassled in the stands so that I can tell these safe space special snowflakes what is wrong with their world view with visual displays that indicate that their politics, heroes and life are of no value to anyone with a moral compass based upon watching 4300 hours of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as O’Neil just goes back to watching the NFL and complaining about, “outspoken athletes that don’t know their place.”

We Might Be About To See The Second Ever Photo Of A Black Hole Above The Vancouver Whitecaps Headquarters

VANCOUVER - An announcement next week by an international collaboration might contain the second photo of a black hole's event horizon over the Vancouver Whitecaps front office headquaters.

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Scientists with the international Event Horizon Telescope project indicate that they first noticed the possibility of a black hole above the Whitecaps front office when questions sent to the Whitecaps about their culpability in the cover up and investigation into abuse claims, claims of hiring a coach with a history of racism, and allegations of a silencing abuse claims over the past 11 years were not returned.

“Clearly any organization involved in these claims would want to clear their name and show their desire to make things right,” stated head researcher Angela Davis. “So given that we know that to be true, there can only be one possibly reason why there’s been virtually nothing coming from the Whitecaps. Yes, a black hole that is so large it is sucking all communication, information and fun out of the area.”

Fans say that this makes sense as their repeated entreaties for a response grounded in admission, acknowledgement and amicably resolving the issue has been met with outright dismissive attitudes, terse responses or nothing at all.

“We’ve been walking out of games for weeks now,” stated one Southsiders member. “I just thought the Whitecaps were ignoring their fans as the attendance numbers plummet and B.C. Place turns into a morgue, but maybe it’s just a super-massive black hole!”

We sent an inquiry to the Vancouver Whitecaps about the situation but received no response thus showing that there is, in fact, what appears to be a black hole destined to eat the entirety of western British Columbia and possibly the world.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the blackhole eats away at Bob Lenarduzzi’s career.

USL And NPSL Teams Hit Up Forward Madison For Money After $25,000 US Open Cup Windfall

With the 3-0 victory over El Paso Locomotive, USL League One side Forward Madison received a $25,000 bonus from US Soccer for being the last Division III team in the tournament which resulted in the Wisconsin side receiving a number of phone calls regarding financial help from a multitude of disparate teams in the USL and NPSL.

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“The ink wasn’t even dry on the novelty check, yet,” stated Forward Madison Flamingo In Chief Ronald “Ronnie” Anderson. “Suddenly everyone we hadn’t heard from in 20 years was calling us asking how we were doing.”

Madison reportedly fielded calls from teams like Upper Irvine Trash Compactors FC, Lansing Disbanded, Punxatawny Hogs, and even teams from it’s own division such as the Eastern Georgia Bricklaying Troubadours, a team for singing tradesman.

“It’s amazing what a novelty check for $25,000 will do for your popularity,” stated Mr. Anderson. “Suddenly it was, ‘haven’t talked to you in a long time, but oh we have roster issues that a few ten thousand dollars might help,’ or, ‘we can’t afford soccer balls,’ or, ‘‘we can’t travel on the next leg of our USOC matchup,’ or, ‘I have a brand new idea that will revolutionize the training skills of teams in Peru,’ or, ‘the Chicago Fire really could use $25,000 so why don’t you just GIVE us the money.’ We can’t afford to give to all those causes and help ourselves at the same time.”

Forward Madison’s approach to utilizing the money revolves around turning half the grandstand area at Breese Steven’s Field into a Flamingo retirement facility for aging and vulnerable Flamingos.

“It’s important for us to support the people and animals that supported us getting into this crazy business. We aren’t called the aardvarks for a reason, those stingy bastards.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the US Soccer Federation check doesn’t clear.


Florida Soccer Soldiers Battle Through Independence To Prepare For Invasion Of Iran

Charlotte, NC - The Florida Soccer Soldiers battled through their recent clash against the Charlotte Independence as the amateur side defeated the USL Championship side in a US Open Cup wargame to prepare for the upcoming catastrophic disaster known as the Invasion of Iran.

HOORAH!

HOORAH!

“They came out in a phalanx,” stated Independence manager Jim McGuinness. “After a pitched battle, one of their men went down, but they hung around and delivered blow after blow.”

The Soccer Soldiers stated that they were simply working on the organization and techniques they will need for the upcoming and all-consuming war with Iran as they looked forward to another 16 year war with no ending date.

“We’ve always been at war with Iran,” stated Soccer Soldier PFC Sanders. “This battle against Independence really taught us about working together as a team, and that will come in handy when we are sent in on the front lines of the coming global conflagration.”

With tensions rising, the Department of Defense would not confirm or deny using the Soccer Soldiers on the front line, but the men prepared for the upcoming campaign as though they would go, regardless.

“We must be prepared, whether we are battling on the streets of North Carolina or the streets of Tehran,” stated Sergeant Suazo. “Regardless of where we go, the Soccer Soldiers will be ready, I can guarantee that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the war drums continue to beat.

Premier League Of England Championship Cup Playoffs Start On Thursday As Two Seed Liverpool Face Seventh Seed Burnley In Western Conference Matchup

The Premier League Of England Championship Cup Playoffs start on Thursday evening as the closing act to the 2018/2019 season begins with the Western Conference match-up as Liverpool takes on Burnley at Anfield.

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“Now that the regular season is over, we can finally get down to the business of winning the Premier League Cup,” stated Spurs head coach Mauricio Pochettino. “We all know that the regular season is all about seeding and we are happy to go into the playoffs being able to host a game in front of our fans.”

With the Western and Eastern Conference seeding coming down to the wire, fans were finally able to start making their plans for the playoffs on Sunday.

“You just know that the FA is going to make Arsenal v Spurs happen again,” stated Gunners fan Paul Hargrove of London. “It’s just like with Portland and Seattle, every single year…. every single year.”

Journalists indicate that they are also looking forward to a potential Liverpool v Manchester United match at Anfield provided the two sides progress, but they caution against getting too excited.

“You never know with United these days,” stated Timothy Chambers of the Manchester Evening Daily Picayune Times. “They could easily lose to Bournemouth. Just look at what happened against Cardiff. It depends entirely on the mentality of the team when they come out. Of course, the playoffs are a different thing entirely.. It will be a fascinating chase to see who truly can become the Premier League of England Cup Champion of England brought to you by Weetabix and Visit Malaysia.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans call for more consistent start times to the game and rebel against the Thursday night games.


Years Of Achievements Leave Revolution General Manager Ready For Next Head Coach

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution general manager Mike Burns touted his years of achievements as the general manager of the franchise as he spoke to the press at length about removal of Brad Friedel as head coach and the criteria for the next hiring.

Remember the olden days of …. squint…. 28 dollar US Soccer tickets?!

Remember the olden days of …. squint…. 28 dollar US Soccer tickets?!

“If you look back on the last 8 years from November of 2011 til now, we can be pretty impressed,” stated Burns to The Nutmeg News. “Even if you look at back when I started in 2005, we’ve had unparalleled success. Why, we made the playoffs three times over the last 8 years, and the Revolution very nearly won something in 2014. Not many teams get that close to actually winning something in this league. It’s not like there are multiple opportunities for trophies every season. We’ve been in the top 10 of the Eastern Conference every year since our inception, and the Revolution haven’t finished lower than 9th in their conference, ever. This club is in very good shape, and I hope the fans understand how good they have it. Why, in the past four years we didn’t finish lower than 8th in the East and we finished 5th in the East just four years ago.”

Burns stated that his current priority was starting the search for a new head coach as he indicated the organizations willingness to look towards new horizons.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that we’ve been in touch with Sam Allardyce,” stated Burns. “However, we would be very happy to have him here as he has some very close connections to Robert Kraft. He’s a hands on manager who isn’t afraid to be tough with his players and we like that here. As well, we are looking at ex-Revolution players that might be interested in a spin at coaching. I can confirm that I left a few messages for Jermaine Jones but he hasn’t returned my phone calls yet. It’s only a matter of time.”

Burns indicated that 8 years of rampant success at the General Management position and 15 years of unprecedented success with the organization has shown him the value of people who understand the culture of the Revolution.

“It’s important to find someone who can work within the framework, financial guidance and player scouting that we can provide,” stated Burns to The Nutmeg News. “Our hope will be that we can find a player just retiring who wants to experiment with being a coach or a disgraced former coach who needs redemption.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution shift the deck chairs around for another season.


Soccer Fan Holds Player To Much Higher Standard Than He Holds Himself

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Philip Williams stated that he certainly hopes the new Timbers acquisition lives clean, contributes to charity and is a decent person as he boldly decided to hold player Brian Fernandez to a higher standard than he holds himself.

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“We can’t have a player out there partying who hates the fans,” stated Williams who was once fired from a Papa Murphy’s pizza store for stealing toppings and utensils from the store and drinking on the job. “It’s important to have a player represent your team well and his past history seems to indicate a lot of problems.”

Williams, who recently plead guilty to a drunk and disorderly after a confrontation at a food cart pod, stated that he was concerned with the previous run-ins that Fernandez had several years ago.

“Who does Cocaine these days,” stated Williams, “when microdosing LSD with a cannabis back end is just so much more efficient of a work day routine. You can really feel the difference when you combine homemade Kombucha with LSD, a pinch of cannabis and Google sheets. It’s like a foursome of productivity and I really have been making progress on my screenplay about the history of derailleurs on this combination.”

For his part, Williams (who indicated that he recently volunteered with Goodwill because he dropped off a shirt at a donation center) stated that he would keep an open mind on Fernandez if he wholly commits himself to working in the community.

“While I do not have the time, these days, to commit to charity work, It’s important that our players are out there in the community working hard. I don’t think it is asking that much for them to really keep a clean life style, eat well, work out, stay off drugs and alcohol, volunteer in the community, and be woke to the issues of social responsibility, privilege and the entire spectrum of diverse perspectives on feminism and modern political thought. That’s the BASE minimum I expect from a player for this team,” stated Williams as he finished a chicken fried steak with scrambled eggs and a red beer for breakfast.

“The honest truth is that the poor guy is really going to feel out of place in this city and this team if he is a decent player but hasn’t read Ta-Nehisi Coates.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams misses the second home game of the season due to a drivers license suspension after a number of speeding tickets and going 20 over in a school zone.

Professional Referee Organization Issues Apology To Ted Unkel

NEW YORK - The Professional Referee Organization (PRO) issued an apology today to referee Ted Unkel for Unkel missing the call on himself during the referee’s match.

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The press release stated the following, “During the D.C. United against Columbus Crew game, referee Ted Unkel was placed in a violent and unacceptable situation by MLS players Wil Trapp and Luciano Acosta. PRO wishes to apologize to Referee Unkel for the untenable position that caused himself to miss his own call on himself about himself as he was not looking at himself about what he was doing and instead was watching and not watching the other players who were running towards him really fast. PRO wishes to encourage disciplinary action to be performed against Mr. Trapp and Mr Acosta for their violent assault of the center referee.”

Unkel was in the center of the action, this weekend, as he was very clearly bowled over repeatedly over and over and over for one time by Luciano Acosta and Wil Trapp.

“This kind of travesty will not stand,” stated PRO spokesman Jimmy Carter. “We must protect our referees from their own decisions, especially when their own decisions are non-calls on themselves about themselves as they attempt to not play the ball.”

PRO asked that in lieu of a punishment against the teams that Unkel would be allowed to send off both players retroactively and be the center referee for the next four Columbus Crew and D.C. United games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Unkel is awarded a meritorious service commendation for missing his work and then correcting that missed work.


Favorite Player Doesn't Even Know Soccer Fan's Name

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Tim Blakenship realized, on Friday, that his favorite player Chad Marshall doesn’t know his name as he sunk into a stark depression over the lack of connection.

(Photo by Justice Magraw)    “SEE, I’M RIGHT THERE, CHAD.”

(Photo by Justice Magraw)

“SEE, I’M RIGHT THERE, CHAD.”

“Every single week i’m out there for Chad,” stated Blakenship to The Nutmeg News. “The LEAST he could do is learn some small details about me and my life.”

Blakenship stated that he’s been a fan of Marshall ever since the player started paying for the Sounders in 2014.

“He’s 34 and I’m 34. He’s a dog lover and I’m a dog lover.He’s married and I’m thinking that would be nice if I could find someone. He went to Stanford and I went to Grays Harbor College. The similarities are endless, but I can’t help feeling that this is a one way relationship.”

Blakenship stated that no matter how many times he uses Twitter to invite Marshall over for dinner or wish him a happy birthday that he never responds.

“I’m yelling CHAAAAAD for a good 45 minutes of the home games,” stated Blakenship. “And the one time I met him outside the stadium he did that kind of, ‘oh hey you,’ routine. C’mon Chad, you should know my name by now.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Blakenship starts a two-pole campaign aimed at Chad Marshall with random facts about his life, starting with his name, his dog’s name and stories about his coming of age with an absent father.

Galaxy Acquisition Falters After Argentina Club Refuses To Accept TAM

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy’s attempted acquisition of Favio Alvarez reportedly faltered, on Thursday evening, after Atlético Tucumán refused to accept Targeted Allocation Money (TAM).

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Stating, “Ni en pedo! Que es esto?” the directors of Atlético Tucumán were stunned when the Galaxy sent over an offer email that contained an Excel spreadsheet with the words “Targeted Allocation Money” and “1.5 million dollars” in two different cells.

According to sources with the Galaxy, they understood that they would be able to pay the fees necessary for the loan or transfer for Alvarez in TAM. As such, they traded General Allocation Money for Targeted Allocation Money in a spreadsheet data point swapping event with Minnesota United.

“As everyone knows, it is imperative to trade GAM for TAM as we look to remain competitive in the global market,” said LA Galaxy GM Dennis te Kloese. “Securing TAM for GAM will provide us flexibility to improve our roster prior to the closing of the primary MLS transfer window.”

However, the directors with Atlético Tucumán remain steadfast in their opposition to accepting theoretical data points as money as they released a statement in English that read, “We already told LA Galaxy General Manager te Kloese that we do not accept Bitcoin, Venmo, and now TAM. We will be ready to negotiate with the Galaxy when they offer appropriate terms with real currency.”"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as te Kloese attempts to exchange back his TAM for GAM in order to offer 2 million dollars of fake GAM money to Atlético Tucumán.

Atlanta United FIFA 2019 Season Going Better Than Atlanta United Regular Season

Atlanta, GA - An Atlanta United FIFA 2019 season is reportedly going better than Atlanta United’s Regular season as the new game save of Reggie Haybrook finished with the team in first place again.

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“I’ve been able to play 4 seasons in the same time it’s taken them to get to week 8,” stated Haybrook to The Nutmeg News. “And in three of the four seasons I won MLS Cup with the same roster that we are currently using to sit 10th in the Eastern Conference. They should hire ME to coach this team.”

With his latest save, Haybrook reportedly took to playing one game a week in the same schedule as the current team with the same opponent in order to fully simulate the 2019 season as he continues to win on whatever difficulty mode he is actually picking that he refused to disclose to our reporter at the time of this printing.

“After winning the cup three years in a row I finally set out a new challenge and I am playing one game at a time,” stated Haybrook. “The reality is that I’m still winning, so I don’t know what happened to give us this busted ass coach, but I can guarantee you that I would do a better chance of controlling Barco, Pity and Martinez than he has.”

Friends state that they are entirely overtired of hearing Haybrook compare the real and virtual seasons as he continually states that he could do better than current head coach Frank de Boer.

“I just want to go over to his place without hearing Reg talking about his season and figuring out that he is talking about virtual players and not the real ones,” stated good friend Matt Daniels. “I nearly freaked out the first time he told me that Darlington Nagbe had a season ending injury.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Haybrook blows up the squad, signs new players and wins the league again in one week on Amateur.

Pedantic Man Ready To Argue About Four Words From 2000 Word Team Summation

INTERNET - Pedantic soccer fan Gerald Way announced that he was ready to argue about a four word descriptor from a 2000 word team summation of the Philadelphia Union by commenting on the story, “Total fabrication if you believe he was a fringe national team player,” on Thursday.

SOMEONE IS WRONG. SOMEONE IS VERY WRONG.

SOMEONE IS WRONG. SOMEONE IS VERY WRONG.

Way reportedly took to the comment section of the piece, Twitter and Reddit to restate his objection to the four words of , “Fringe national team player,” to describe Union midfielder Ilsinho as he struck out at MLS and Journalists as a whole.

“Ilsinho is NOT a fringe national team player, he barely has any experience and will not be called up any time in the future,” ranted Way to the Twitter account of writer Quinten “@jeffersonMLS” Jefferson who logged on to his account in the morning after taking his daughter to school to see 46 notifications and two Twitter threads. “This is just an example of journalists without any knowledge of the game infecting the entirety of the North American soccer experience with their stupidity.”

Jefferson stated that he added the term to describe Ilsinho since he did play with Brazil during the Olympics and two friendlies, however this knowledge did nothing to calm Mr. Way or his plethora of fans that attacked Mr. Jefferson with ferocious intensity.

“If we cannot trust our so-called journalists with writing complete and accurate information on the franchises that they cover, then we cannot expect them to cover the sport objectively,” ranted Way in the Comments section of the piece. “This piece is clearly full of falsehoods.”

For his part, Mr. Way was unable to accurately point out any other of these falsehoods in the piece, but he maintained that the other 1996 words in the 2000 word team summation must be incorrect due to this blatant exaggeration of Ilsinho’s abilities.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Way criticizes Jefferson for incorrectly guessing the winning team of a Champions League tie.


Peter Vermes Issues Draft Order For Cauldron Members As Injury Crises Deepens

Kansas City, KS - Peter Vermes, today, issued draft orders for all men ages 18 through 25 as the injury crisis for Sporting Kansas City (SKC) deepens

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“We had to cancel practice recently because we didn’t have enough able bodied men,” stated Vermes to The Nutmeg News. “It is time for all true patriots of Sporting Kansas City to come defend the motherland.”

Virtually all male Cauldron members, regardless of where they live, whether documented or undocumented, residing in the United States, who are 18 through 25, are required to register with Selective Service. 

The law says men must register with Sporting Kansas City Selective Service within 30 days of their 18th birthday. That means men are required to register with SKC Selective Service sometime during the 30 days before their 18th birthday, their 18th birthday, and the following 29 days after their 18th birthday – that is a 60-day registration period.

“We will pull from our draft list and enter able bodied men with experience in the art of war into the lottery. There they will be assigned a number and from that we will draft men into the SKC Defense Corps of Engineers, the Overland Park Midfield Brigade and Vermes Forward Rangers,” stated one SKC insider.

Experts worry about the potential overreach that the Draft may create, but Vermes insisted this was the only way forward.

“We must defend our hallowed ground! Return, true patriots, to the land of your forebearers and pick up a shinguard and a ball! As George Patton said, ‘Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood'.’ We must not let the fear of not being able to play overcome the sense of duty to the badge.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one SKC native considers dodging the draft by registering for a Canadian Premier League team.

New York Based Soccer Fan Adds "Supports Ajax" To Twitter Bio

NEW YORK - Friends report that New York based soccer fan Nathaniel Westover recently edited his Twitter Bio to include the phrase, “Supports Ajax,” as the Dutch team scored in their Champions League game against Tottenham Hotspur.

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“He says that he’s always loved Ajax,” stated good friend Dae-Kwon Kim. “I asked him to name two Ajax players and he said, ‘Donny van de Beek and I have to go use the restroom, hold on.’ I can’t wait for the answer when he comes back from the bathroom with his phone.”

Westover and Kim were watching the Champions League game between Ajax and Spurs at The Football Factory at Legends as Westover pulled out his phone and added the relevant information.

“Yeah, I’ve really always thought highly of … um… Total Footballl, so you can understand my affiliation for the Dutch game,” stated Westover. “I hope to visit Ajax in the future to catch a game, I’ve been planning it for the last few minutes.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Westover’s banner reads “Supports Ajax. Supports Manchester City. Supports Dortmund. Supports Barcelona. Supports Rayo Vallecano. Supports Madrid. #MiaSanMia”