LOS ANGELES - Newcastle United fan Sam Dewalt stated that he was simply fed up with the ownership of Mike Ashley as he exclaimed, “Only a billionaire I know nothing about can fix the problems with our team this other billionaire created.”
Dewalt, like most Americans, glorifies the acquisition of money over any other valuable in life as he stated, “You don’t end up being a billionaire without being smart and a good businessman, except for Mike Ashley.”
According to fellow Newcastle fans, Dewalt spent most of his week looking up other worldwide billionaires that expressed interest in English soccer teams as he attempted to ferret out who could fix the problems with the team that Ashely created.
“All it will take is someone with vast sums of money to purchase the team and for the new ownership to completely wipe out the debt and buy a boatload of great players” stated Dewalt. “We just need to find a really cash flush billionaire who can fix all our problems with one fell swoop.”
According to his Facebook page, Dewalt spent the last two months deriding Manchester City for purchasing the title while also advocating for the removal of Ashley and the appointment of literally anyone with any vast sum of money that would be interested in “Making Newcastle Great Again.”
“I said it once before during the 2016 elections and I’ll say it now. You can really trust a businessman who successfully runs a business and makes billions of dollars to altruistically look out for everyone else. All I’m asking is for some trickle down economics to pull Newcastle United up by their bootstraps.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dewalt continues to be an idiot.