Andrew Hauptman Runs Chicago Fire Soccer Club Into Ground And Finally Leaves

CHICAGO - Voices of acclaim reached to the heavens as perennial leach and know-nothing owner Andrew Hauptman finally sold his share of the franchise rights of the Chicago Fire to someone else.

(Benjamin Ordaz/Hoy)

(Benjamin Ordaz/Hoy)

Andrew Hauptman leaves the Chicago Fire with a sterling resume of taking one of the best teams and fanbases in Major League Soccer and running them both into the ground.

During his 12 year reign as owner of the Chicago Fire, the team failed to win any competition and did not qualify for the Major League Soccer playoffs 7 of the 12 years. As well, the Fire did not qualify for the CONCACAF Champions League at any time.

The Fire finished dead last in the Eastern Conference three times and finished dead last in the league twice.

Prior to the takeover by Hauptman the Fire won MLS Cup once in 1998 and won the US Open Cup four times with the last time being the year before Hauptman assumed control of the team.

His presence will be mourned by virtually no Fire fan as the team repeatedly antagonized the fanbase of the Fire while producing very few moments of true excitement on the field. Going so far as to ban individual fans and supporters groups as well as encouraging the league to deny them supporters group privileges even during away games, Hauptman frequently antagonized the most passionate and only remaining fans that the Fire had left.

In 2013, with the team coming off two straight seasons towards the bottom of the east where they didn’t qualify for the playoffs, the Fire through their Communications Director posted, “The Editorial,” castigating their own fans. The Editorial was so bad that even now it’s been locked and made unavailable for the sake of posterity.

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No one should miss Andrew Hauptman and the totality of soccer in Chicago is immediately better for him being gone.

The Nutmeg News will have no more on him, congratulations Chicago.

"I'm Really Not Obsessed," Claims Woman Who Has Over 412 Photos Of Christen Press On Her Phone

Wichita, KS - USWNT superfan Ashley Williams stated, “I’m really not obsessed,” after it was disclosed that she has over 412 photos of Christen Press on her phone.

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“It’s not THAT bad,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I just re-catalog all the pictures that she takes and has taken on a separate Christen Press stan account on Instagram and on Twitter.”

Researchers indicate that @PressStan4Lyfe has over 1000 followers as the account ritualistically tweets out recent pictures of Press often notated with captions that have to do with everyone’s day to day life like, “When The Gram Is Lit.”

“Within my group of very passionate soccer fans I don’t find it is that weird,” stated Williams. “Why my friend Carla runs @tobinstan4lyfe and she has over 300 pictures of Tobin on that account. My other friend Brooklyn runs the @morganstan4lyfe account and she reposts every photo of Alex Morgan with the caption of Qween. I also have friends who take out of context photos of the USWNT players at training and make it look like they are in a relationship with hinting messages as to the possibility of them dating. It’s hard work but someone has to do it.”

According to friends, Williams has stopped doing an activity to download a picture of Press and then re-upload it to her social media.

“I took her hiking once and when a new Press picture came in she took 5 minutes to make certain that she re-posted the shot and then went back to hiking,” said good friend Angela Hughes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams attempts to get a photo with Press without showing the photo on her phone that she already photoshopped showing the two of them at the beach.

North Carolina Courage Unable To Convert Extra Point In 6-0 Win

Portland, OR - The North Carolina Courage were unable to convert the extra point, on Wednesday night, as their game against the Portland Thorns finished with a paltry 6-0 scoreline.

You just need the right kind of expert for these things.

You just need the right kind of expert for these things.

“You call this football?” stated Courage fan Debrah Hagins. “This is the kind of stuff that is embarrassing. You have one job and that job is to kick a ball. How do you not get the extra point?!”

Fans were aghast that a game could finish 6-0 but according to Courage fan Stephanie Halman she has grown to expect these types of results this season.

“Remember that game against Orlando where we got a safety and a field goal and still won the game? It isn’t always pretty, but we just need to get it done and stop judging whether we can convert these extra point chances.”

Thorns fans in Portland were equally incensed at the scoreline as they faulted their own team for not being able to respond with a touchdown.

“We kept trying to run the ball and we just needed a touchdown. This is some kind of horse shit,” stated Thorns fan Brandi Stewart.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage work on kicking drills all week to resolve the problem.

Last Houston Dynamo Fan Who Still Cares About 2019 Argues With Himself About Disastrous Season

Houston, TX - Eddie Sanchez, the last Houston Dynamo fan who still cares about 2019, reportedly spent all of Tuesday arguing with himself online about the future of the Dynamo’s season as everyone else he previously would speak with about the team decided to check out on this season with six games to go.

It could be worse…. you could be Vancouver or Cincinnati.

It could be worse…. you could be Vancouver or Cincinnati.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” stated Sanchez to himself online. “It’s clear that you haven’t watched the last two games. There were some positive things to take from the 5-1 loss to Dallas, and while I disagree with that hot take I made I agree with my ability to say those things about myself.”

According to fans of the Dynamo, most of them moved on to the start of the season for the Houston Texans, the end of a very good season for the Houston Astros, the possibility of hope for the Houston Rockets, the beginning of the English Premier League, and the continuation of the Liga MX season.

“I think Eddie is the only one left in the city who actually gives a shit about the 2019 Houston Dynamo,” stated ex season ticket holder Sandra Willis. “It’s commendable that he just continues to confront himself like there’s a fanbase still vested in a team that hasn’t won a game since July with an ownership group that seems to be running the team like a tax write-off.”

The Nutmeg News reached out to the Dynamo for comment however they declined to make a statement and instead sent us a number of pictures of James Harden in a Dynamo kit.

For his part, Mr. Sanchez stated that he gets why everyone has jumped off the bandwagon as the perpetually uninterested ownership group of the Dynamo sinks the team further and further into irrelevance.

“I get it, but I don’t agree with it,” stated Sanchez to our reporter. “If I have to carry that torch for the Dynamo by confronting myself about the fact that I disagree with the blog post I wrote about any playoff hope that could be possible in the last six games well then I will spend this time telling myself that I’m wrong.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez protests himself being in the stands.

Major League Soccer Announces Ban On Pride Flags

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced that the LGBTQ pride flag would be banned across the entirety of the league as they stated that the flag is inherently political and divisive among the general fanbase of Major League Soccer.

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Citing the use by, “extremists from ANTIFA, the Gay Liberation Front and rioters across North America,” Don Garber stated that the Pride flag could not possibly be used for any other purpose than division and political rhetoric.

“26% of the United States believes that Gay and Lesbian relationships between consenting adults should not be legal,” stated Commissioner Garber. “According to recent polling, 36 percent of the United States think that marriages between gay and lesbian couples should not be recognized. I think we need to understand that the constant use of the pride flag by fans that attend games at our venues is not being hospitable to a large number of Americans. We are talking about 117,720,000 people in the United States that we are turning away from soccer due to these flags. Honestly, that’s a lot of money.”

Shocked millennials stated they were surprised to find that Pride flags would be declared illegal and political as they stated that they didn’t find them political at all.

“How is pride political,” stated David Henderson (22) of Kansas City. “All we do for pride is go out and have fun and drink.”

For their part, however, Major League Soccer stated that they understood the difficulty that would come from removing the ubiquitous rainbow flags throughout the league.

“We call on our fans to abandon all their political ideals and just focus on sports,” stated Commissioner Garber. “We want to bring fans together and not isolate them. If we lose even one fan because of a trans flag or an LGBTQ banner then I consider that a very sad thing indeed.”.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.

United States Fans Ask For New, NEW, N.E.W. Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

In part three of our continuing saga of, "US fans blame coaches or home field advantage rather than acknowledging that they just don't have world class soccer players because the whole system of soccer in the United States is a for profit entity that systematically excludes developing youth from most parts of society that aren't wealthy and compounds that problem by existing in a atmosphere of athletic run-fast development rather than any nuance or tactical know how," here is our copy-paste revision of our article from 2017 and our article from 2015.

After the disappointing loss to Mexico, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 and the 2019 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Damarcus Beasley and Omar Gonzalez players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

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I find it reprehensible that Gyassi Zardes is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Altidore would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to an unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Gregg Berhalter, who they were ready to bestow a sainthood upon about 2 months ago.

"It's Klinsmann/Arena/Berhalter’s fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions, or... you know... Honduras."

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Berhalter out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the World Cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

"I've Been Working On Shaping My Shot," States Rec League Center Back Who Can't Complete A Simple Pass

Des Moines, IA - Dave Williams, center back for Des Moines Manchester United Rovers FC, stated, “I’ve been working on shaping my shot,” to good friend and center midfielder Oscar Carmona as the two arrived for their game in the Central Iowa Co-ed Soccer League.

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According to teammates, Williams biggest issue is his lack of fitness and inability to pass the ball as they frequently have to anticipate where his passes will go.

“I’ve asked him to practice his passing by just finding a wall and doing passes to himself but I don’t think he cares,” stated forward Harry Jones.

According to Williams himself you can’t question his dedication to the team as he stayed after games to really work on the fundamentals.

“I’ve spent at least 30 to 40 minutes over the last week just trying to make my shot be less predictable,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I noticed that I can almost do that technique where you cut your foot over the ball and it makes it swerve. It’s so cool. I almost scored against our keeper in the scrimmage we had recently using this.”

When asked whether he plans on practicing for the position he plays, Williams stated that he put in a fair bit of work recently on FIFA.

“I pay attention to defense. I don’t always let the computer auto play the defenders. However, I feel like it’ll be a bigger surprise when I can take the ball and blister one into the back of the net.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Des Moines Manchester United Rovers FC loses their next game 14 - 0.

Portland Timbers Announce Plan To Solve Self Inflicted Iron Front Debacle By Intentionally Angering Fans

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers, a partially owned subsidiary of Hank Paulson, announced their plan to solve the self inflicted Iron Front debacle by intentionally angering their own fans.

Merritt Paulson, seen here in thought, attempts to crack down on the fans of the team that the league indicates that he has control over.

Merritt Paulson, seen here in thought, attempts to crack down on the fans of the team that the league indicates that he has control over.

“There’s no better way to reach an amicable resolution than intentionally angering the fans that pay to see our games,” stated Mike Golub, Portland Timbers President of Business. “The league told us to crack down and we are happy to play our part. Our fans can go fuck themselves with their provocative stances like being against racism and fascism. No one flies flags in our stadium without us telling them how and when.”

According to reports that were leaked to reporters by the front office of the Timbers, several fans are now banned for multiple games with a requirement to take an online class that costs $250 and write a letter of apology for flying the Iron Front flag.

“We really wanted to drive home that our fans are replaceable and worthless,” stated Golub to The Nutmeg News. “It’s important for them to understand that their opinions are meaningless and their support is meaningless. I don’t see their names on the advertising boards and that’s what we care about, not the fans of our team. I think we’ve become big enough that we can outgrow the Timbers Army.”

According to insider sources, Merritt Paulson personally oversaw the underpaid employees he used to ban fans from the stadium as he dictated the banning letter from the deck of his yacht anchored out in the Columbia.

“It is important for the fan to understand they are garbage,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “None of them have my money. None of them have my father’s money. They are all replaceable. I defy anyone to defy me. This isn’t about the iron front anymore, it’s about my team and these hopeless losers that decided to try to go against me. But I’ll show them…. I’ll show them all!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Merritt Paulson hatches a plan to try to turn all the Timbers fans against each other so they spend all their time fighting each other rather than actually fighting all the things he does.

"Put Your Flag Down," Screams Woman Who Intentionally Bought Supporters Section Tickets Because Of Flags

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Elizabeth Montgomery reportedly yelled, “put your flag down, I’m trying to watch the game,” during the recent Sounders v LA Galaxy game in Seattle despite moving to the supporters section specifically because of the big flags and atmosphere that the supporters generate.

“I didn’t watch a game elsewhere and then buy a ticket over in this section just to stand here and not complain about the thing you were doing that got me to buy a ticket here in the first place!”

“I didn’t watch a game elsewhere and then buy a ticket over in this section just to stand here and not complain about the thing you were doing that got me to buy a ticket here in the first place!”

“I originally attended because my company had tickets,” stated Ms. Montgomery. “However, when I was at the game I was amazed by all the fans with their atmosphere and their singing and their flags. I had to see what that was like.”

According to co-workers that attended the game with Ms. Montgomery, she made the statement that she was going to sit with the supporters, something she’s done four home games in a row..

“Now that I’ve been here a while I think that I’m allowed to tell everyone around me to put down their flags,” stated Ms. Montgomery. “After all, I pay for this seat and I want to watch the game.”

When asked about the numerous statements that indicate her view may be blocked by flags and displays in the supporters section, Ms. Montgomery scoffed.

“They want to call themselves true fans if they aren’t watching the game? Hardly. Granted I’ve only been here for four weeks, but I can tell you that categorically waving big flags does nothing for your team. Only intently watching the game does this. Now that I’m here, they cant stop doing the thing that made me come here.”

According to Emerald City Supporter member Jim “Bigs” Richardson, Ms Montgomery screamed at him saying, “PUT DOWN YOUR FLAG! FLAG DOWN! FLAG…. DOWN.” during the last game for ten minutes as she completely focused all her energy on ensuring that she could see the game from the tickets she purchased specifically because of the atmosphere the supporters generated.

“I told her that this was general admission and she could move around so she could watch the game easier, but that made her more upset,” stated Richardson. “She kept ranting about how she wasn’t going to move because I was an inconsiderate asshole, and this has been her seat for half the season, and that she is going to speak to the stadium security about all of these disruptions in watching the game. I’m pretty certain that she intentionally spilled a beer on my gear I put on the seat behind me at the last game..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this happens in every single stadium in the United States and Canada.


"The Iron Front Flag Is A Direct Rebuke Of Our Forcible Suppression Of Opposition And Strong Regimentation Of The Economy," States Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Standing tall on their own laurels of stupidity, Major League Soccer clarified that they were explicitly banning the Iron Front flag as it is, “a direct rebuke of our forcible suppression of opposition, and strong regimentation of society and of the economy.”

Where does VAR fall on this spectrum?

Where does VAR fall on this spectrum?

MLS reportedly stated that the anti-fascist, anti-royalty and anti-communism flag is directly opposed to the way they want to run a league as they released multiple statements via team outlets that indicated, “please turn on your fellow fans and snitch to management so you can get someone banned for 6 to 12 months.”

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Insiders state that their attempts to convince the league to handle this differently fell on deaf ears.

“I told them this whole thing is a dumb idea that did nothing but elevate the profile of the Iron Front flag in all of these supporters groups, but I didn’t have any money to offer them for commercials so they didn’t listen to me,” stated one MLS employee.

“How on earth it could be that anyone thinks turning fans on each other through an official Team/League edict is a good idea…. we’ve lost our mind,” stated one MLS employee.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league decides to place bounties on peoples heads in order to quell the ever present menace of a piece of fabric.



Off Field Fan Hi-jinks Lead To On Field Rivalry As LAFC And Atlanta United Announce Rivalry Competition For Golden Toilet Bowl

NEW YORK - Recent off field hi-jinks such as pooping in the stadium stands by LAFC fans or cups of urine being thrown on fellow fans by Atlanta United have reportedly lead to the creation of an on field rivalry as Major League Soccer announced a Rivalry Week match-up for 2020 called the Golden Toilet Bowl.

“We are excited to add the Golden Toilet Bowl to the likes of the Hudson River Derby, the Rocky Mountain Cup, Hell Is Real, The Cascadia Cup, El Traffico, the Atlantic Cup, the Trilium Cup, and the California Classico,” stated Mark Abbot, President of Major League Soccer. “Both fanbases have shown an energetic competition in the usage of human waste and it’s time we honor that competition with a branded and created rivalry.”

Insiders with the league indicate that the teams will be playing for a 1/4th scale golden toilet with the winning team being engraved on removal golden flush handle that will hang in the offices of Major League Soccer until the next winner is crowned.

“We are also integrating this competition with Charmin,” stated Abbot to The Nutmeg News. “In order to facilitate some cross branding we will have the Golden Toilet Bowl presented by Charmin during Heineken Rivalry Week. Nothing will get your ready for the Golden Toilet Bowl like a case of Heineken and a roll of Charmin.”

Sources indicate that the league ran a focus group that suggested a number of different trophies for this competition including the Bowel Bowl, the Interstate Cup (ICUP), FC Porto-Potty, the Flush Cup, the Athletic Cup, the Derrière Derby, Smell Is Real, the Asscadia Cup, and the Honey Pot War.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other fans scheme on ways to join the ranks of the Golden Toilet Bowl.


Humor Website Desperately Tries To Find A Way To Write Something More Ridiculous Than Celebrating Atlanta United Fans Throwing Cups Of Piss At Each Other

INTERNET - Writers and editors for satire and humor website The Nutmeg News were reportedly at a complete loss after a recent report of US Open Cup Championship celebrating Atlanta United fans throwing beer cup (s) full of urine at each other culminating in a brawl in the stands lead to an all day pitch session that resulted in multiple Nutmeg News staff members being reported to human resources.

The good news is that no one from Atlanta can EVER complain about the actions of anyone else from any other supporters group anywhere else in the world ever again.

The good news is that no one from Atlanta can EVER complain about the actions of anyone else from any other supporters group anywhere else in the world ever again.

“What about if we… and just go with me here…. what if we write this as some kind of public exploration of Kink. We shouldn’t shame fans who are just trying to explore things like a golden shower celebration. Maybe we shouldn’t judge until we try to throw cups of urine at each other,” stated one junior reporter who was advised to go to human resources and show what his browser history contained.

“Look. I’ve got two words for you….. R. Kelly,” stated one contract employee who was immediately let go.

“How about we go with some combination of pissed off/pissed on…. oh I dont…. jesus did you see this video,” stated one staffer who was working on changing his in-stadium reporting position from the supporters section to literally anywhere else.

“This is clearly a false flag by the industrial piss complex,” stated one janitor as they passed by the newsroom.

Staff members and editors reportedly spent hours huddled together in a war room as they attempted to find anything more ridiculous than celebrating the US Open Cup by throwing a cup (or multiple cups) of piss at your fellow celebrating fans.

“All we can say is that satire is dead. Satire is absolutely and positively dead,” stated one anonymous writer. “If you excuse me, I’m going to go celebrate the US Open Cup in the men’s room.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one copy editor runs out of the room screaming, “GODDAMMIT. IT’S TOO MUCH.”

UPSL Announces Online Broadcast Deal With Guy Who Has Cellphone Service, A Streaming App, And An Unlimited Data Plan

The United Premier Soccer League (USPL) announced a new broadcast deal on the heels of the USL, NISA, NPSL, and NWSL streaming rights announcements as the amateur league stated they came to terms with that one guy who was already planning on attending the game and has cellphone service, a streaming app, and an unlimited data plan,

Exactly like this. EXACTLY.

Exactly like this. EXACTLY.

“Yeah, we asked Brad and he agreed,” stated UPSL director George Hailey. “Everyone knows Brad is going to be there and we just asked him if he would be willing to stream the game from his phone to the internet.”

Fans of teams in the USPL indicate that they are excited for Brad’s UPSL Game Of The Week as the fan of the Florida Tropics plans on making it out to a few games this season.

“When he switched to filming in landscape mode it was like watching a Bertolucci film come to life. We are really watching an auteur at work in the world of streaming a soccer game from your phone,” stated Jim Nelson.

Brad, as he is commonly known, stated that he is working on some commentary for this season as he plans on working in, “And there he goes,” alongside his stalwart commentary of, “Oh man, that’s gonna hurt,” and, “Corner upcoming.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brad stops streaming for 15 minutes during the game of the week to take a call about where his bros Dave and Rico should get pizza.


Citing Their Recent Transfer Acquisitions And Team Strategy, Portland Timbers Owner Blames Fans For Loss Against Seattle Sounders

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson took to the field, on Friday evening, to blame the Timbers Army for the recent loss against the Seattle Sounders as he cited the failures of the Timbers Army for their recent acquisitions and team strategy.

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“You are all fucking responsible for this mess,” stated an irate Merritt Paulson to the collected group of fans watching his team lose at home to their rivals. “If you had a more concrete methodology of player transfers and team strategy this never would’ve happened.”

Insiders with the Timbers state that Paulson has long been letting the Timbers Army make player acquisitions as he frequently turns his credit card over to the supporters group in order to let them purchase new players.

“We thought that involving the fans more in our day to day operations would make our connection to the area more concrete,” stated one anonymous employee. “However, it turns out that the fans don’t really know how to acquire players at all.”

At risk, as well, is the fans ability to lay out the team strategy, shape and substitutions as the well known secret of head coach Gio Savarese being merely a figurehead exploded into the daylight again as Merritt Paulson’s father, former Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson, spent 10 minutes railing against the Timbers Army for their team selection on the night.

“You thought that this starting 11 was good enough,” stated Hank Paulson to Terry Williams, 33 from Beaverton attending his first game in the Timbers Army. “This is bullshit and you are bullshit. If I had my way, with my money, we would always win. This is NOT what I had in mind when I told my son he could buy a sports team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson fires the Timbers Army from his organization.


Major League Soccer Announces Ban On All Fists As Being Political Displays

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a ban on all fists and fist displays as being in violation of their ban on political imagery.

Yes, really.

Yes, really.

“We are mandating the immediate removal and confiscation of any fists at all attached to anyone or any thing in all Major League Soccer stadiums,” stated Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer. “We will have monitors at all stadiums to ensure that none of the displays contain fist imagery and we will have medical technicians available to ensure that we can remove any attached fists that people in our supporters groups may have.”

Insiders with Major League Soccer were reportedly concerned that actually removing the fists attached to members of supporters groups would go too far, but Commissioner Garber continued his stance against the now politicized body part as he ordered 12 tons of visqueen to deal with the gore from the mandatory fist removals.

“Fists are inherently political as everyone knows,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “If our fans wish to attend MLS games then they will understand that we will need to separate the fist from their wrist using a bonesaw or possibly a radial saw from our new sponsor of Home Depot. We will be allowing fans to check their fists at guest services for a nominal fee of $150 in case they wish to have them reattached to their arms after the game is over, but we feel that this is a small inconvenience to pay for having a politics free soccer experience.”

With nurses and EMT’s standing by for next weekend’s games, Major League Soccer stated that they would not change the security admission policy for their guests to allow them heavy dosage pain relievers or IV bags as this may be used to smuggle in political displays of their own.

“Healthcare is not a right just like being able to express yourself at a game. You must understand that you will obey the rules at all times. It’s not our fault if you can’t make it through a game as you violently expel plasma and blood from your wrist stump. That’s the price all of us must pay for a politics free zone,” stated Abbot to our reporter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Terminus Legion members preemptively cut off their fists in order to be able to attend the next home game.

Phoenix Rising Announces 2 For 1 Pedialyte Special On Dollar Beer Night

Phoenix, AZ - In an effort to stem the potentially horrific hangover that results from Dollar Beer Night, Phoenix Rising announced a 2 for 1 Pedialyte special at tonight’s game.

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“We will have Berry Frost, Kiwi Berry Mist, Chilled Cherry and Iced Grape available for all of our fans,” stated concessions manager Hector Villareal. “We are going to have the Classic Powder Packs, the Sparkling Rush Powder Packs, the Pedialyte Freezer Pops and even the classic liters available at any concession stand.”

According to insiders with the team, they are very bullish on this denting the long term issues that may develop with spending two hours drinking copious amounts of Budweiser in the heat.

“We need to take care of our fans so that we stop having to construct a sick ward in the stands in order to let them sleep it off,” stated Villareal. “The last guy just left from the last dollar beer night.”

With anticipation building to a frenzied pitch, Pheonix Rising announced to all their fans that anyone who buys 6 beers in total will automatically get a pint of Berry Frost, now with 33% more electrolytes, which as everyone knows is what plants crave.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans combine Bud Light Lime, Kiwi Berry Mist, and severe stomach distress to make a new victory cocktail.

Soccer Fans Everywhere Shocked As Man Who Says Dumb Things For Attention Says Another Dumb Thing For Attention

Fans across North America were shocked, recently, as Richard Small, a pundit who has a history of saying really dumb things for attention, said more dumb things for attention, today.

“Everything you believe in is dumb.”

“Everything you believe in is dumb.”

“I can’t believe the guy who went out of his way to actively piss off fans from all walks of life is doing it again,” stated Paul Gutierrez of Los Angeles. “Somehow I thought that even though everyone knows Small is a morally bankrupt asshole that he would change.”

While Mr Gutierrez actually believed in the humanity and possible forward progress of Mr Small, other fans just forgot about him completely until now.

“Oh I know he says dumb things to rile people up but I completely forget about him until people re-tweet him into my timeline,” stated Katie Williams of Minneapolis. “So now I’ve just moved to blocking him. I’m not going to have an argument in bad faith with someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about listening to anyone.”

Not every fan shares Ms Williams approach, however, as fans across North America gave Mr. Small the attention he so desires as they attempted to argue with someone who dedicates his existence towards being a dickhead.

“I spent the last 20 minutes arguing with him, and he just seems to keep saying dumb things,” stated Jamal Woolington. “However, I feel like if I just use the right argument that despite his 30 year career formed out of saying dumb and controversial things just to spite people that he might listen to me.”

The Nutmeg News attempted to contact Mr. Small who responded from his carefully constructed fortress of pleasure where he satisfies himself with printed out pictures of insult tweets.

“Oh god yes this is so satisfying,” stated Mr Small as he rubbed a print out of a Facebook post telling him how wrong he is. “Oh yes, I must… must enjoy myself with the dissatisfaction of all you small minded people. Only I know the full truth. You common fans are uneducated peasants and only with my full knowledge and intellect will you understand the truth. I am a god because I am on TV. I am a god because I have recorded many podcasts. You will bow to my knowledge.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Small continues to post dumb things shocking people everywhere that know he posts dumb things.

Professional Referee Organization To Trademark "Worst Referees In The World (TM)"

NEW YORK - Insiders with the Professional Referee Organization (PRO) indicate that the group is attempting to trademark the statement Worst Referees In The World (TM).

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“They always say you should lean into something instead of pushing against it,” stated one anonymous insider with the organization. “And in this case we think they’ve got it right. We received notification from our public relations office that we may want to review this decision but we feel 100% confident that our people in charge made the right call and there’s no reason to review any of this.”

Analysts say that trademarking the phrase would prevent other organizations and journalists from utilizing the phrase to describe referees outside the organization as the Worst Referees In The World (TM).

“No longer can you say that FIFA or the AYSO or the NASO or the AFC have the Worst Referees In The World (TM),” stated one anonymous referee. “No longer will we hide in the shadows and pretend to be good. Say it loud and say it proud. We are SHIT and we are proud of it! We are SHIT and we are proud of it!”

Agitators within PRO indicate that a cabal of referees have been pressuring for this move for some time as a measure of self acceptance and self love.

“We cannot love ourselves until we accept that we are who we are and that is a flawed person incapable of seeing and calling everything on the field; and, as well, incapable of caring about VAR. We must be proud to be shit, we must be proud to miss calls and we must be proud to overly influence the games to our own capricious standards that change on a whim because that is who we are, the Worst Referees In The World (TM).”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans find alternative, royalty free ways to voice their displeasure.

Major League Soccer Announces Mandatory Recitation Of Pledge Of Allegiance Before All Future Games

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that all attendees to future games would be required to recite the Pledge Of Allegiance to the United States of America and Major League Soccer before kick off.

GO TEAM!

GO TEAM!

“We feel that it is our patriotic duty to show that we are patriotic and we have a duty,” stated Commissioner Don Garber. “It is important for everyone to know that our fanbases aren’t about politics, they are about enforced participation in the national anthem and pledge of allegiance of the United States of America.”

According to league insiders, even Canadian fans will be required to stand and participate in the pledge of allegiance as Commissioner Garber stated, “When President Trump finally invades Canada to take their oil and hotel rights our formerly Canadian fans will welcome the troops as the apolitical freedom fighters they pretend to be.”

An advanced copy of the MLS Pledge Of Allegiance indicates that there are some subtle changes to the overall pledge as the words were tailored to fit a soccer audience.

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and Major League Soccer for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all, and no political signs in the stadium."

“The game will start with the march out to the field,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “Then we will have the singing of only the anthem of the United States by all people in the stadium in a respectful fashion with no political protests, kneeling or sitting followed by the pledge of allegiance. This is a non political and very patriotic league dedicated towards the elimination of politics in sports and the funneling of money to the league by the fleshy things that have the wallets and tickets in the stands.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Garber states, “white supremacists buy tickets too!”

Canadian Premier League Announces Expansion To Buffalo, New York

Buffalo, NY - The commissioner of the Canadian Premier League David Clanachan announced today that the fledgling league would be expanding to Buffalo, New York as the CPL signifies their interest in becoming an international soccer force.

CPL.jpg

“We are excited and thrilled with the interest that’s been shown in the CPL from Buffalo and the greater soccer community,” stated Clanachan from a press conference in the palatial ballroom of the Buffalo Airport Red Roof Inn. “Buffalo is practically south Toronto anyway so we expect there to be some cultural similarities with a big pinch of anger.”

Insiders with the Canadian Premier League state that the league was courted by a number of franchises including Red Deer, Nelson, Timmins, Fort Hope, Lebel-sur-Quevillon, La Romaine, and the Fighting Whalers of Port-Menier, Anticosti Island.

Experts with the CPL indicate that they expect the team name to be Niagara Falls FC and to begin play during the 2021 season.

“We believe Buffalo to be a great fit for our league,” stated Clanachan to The Nutmeg News. “Why every day we are seemingly inundated with Americans asking about Canada, how easy it is to travel, where can they get inexpensive drugs they can’t get in the United States, what our health insurance situation really is like, and how easy it is to immigrate. We expect the local derby between Buffalo and Forge FC to really be something to talk about.”

While the league touts their new expansion, some within the CPL are worried that the expansion into the United States will cause issues with international players, however Clanachan dismissed those problems as solvable.

“Niagra Falls FC will be able to carry a number of non-Canadian players in order to connect with their local community, but will still be required to have a minimum of six Canadian starters per game.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the department of Homeland Security issue alerts about defecting American players.