Anarchist Capo Wants You To Sing Your Own Song

Portland, OR - Anarchist capo Pete "Hayduke" Smith stated that he wants to utilize visual and audio cues to lead fans to a place where they ignore him and sing their own song culminating in a completely anarchic section where no central leadership is recognized.

 "Do not listen to what I have to say!"

"Do not listen to what I have to say!"

"If we all end up doing our own things loud enough and without any restrictions or rules, then we will totally come together and form a cohesive supporter group, one without rules, song sheets, or any kind of actual coherence. It'll be beautiful," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News.

"You are too reliant on us! Stop relying on us and rely on yourselves, but not because you're relying on me to tell you to rely on yourself, just do it yourself. Shit, I'm stuck in recursion.... Look, we just need to admit it's capos all the way down, but if we work together on working apart we can implement a new anti-statism loose collective in the stands that entails opposing authority or hierarchical organization in the conduct of human relations, including but not limited to, the state system and/or the singing of songs (or not) on the terraces, PT -- FC."

Fans in the sections that Mr. Smith capos indicate that he has taken to alternatively leading and then not leading his section as he looks to the throngs of people who look at him for guidance, for guidance.

"Listen to me, but simultaneously do NOT listen to me, but only listen to me if you need to listen and that doesn't violate the choices that your ears and brain make in concert with your brain which you should ignore as they are trying to control you, as well. YOU NEED TO STOP LISTENING TO ALL OF US BECAUSE I'm trying to tell you not follow me. So FOLLOW ME, to learn how to not follow me! Now sing your own song"

Timbers fan Susan Reynolds reportedly asked Mr Smith, "So should we be anti-anti-establishment and actually do what the Front Office says and stop cursing so much and spend more money on Front Office merch and not buy supporter group merch that doesn't actually support the team?"

His response illustrated much of his belief system as he stated in response, "Yes, but no if you are listening to me and yes if you are doing the opposite but only if the opposite is your free will and not part of a state system, informal or otherwise. You are clearly disobeying me which is the equivalent of opposing obeying the construct I provide, which is in itself a construct if you lead others to that viewpoint. This is unacceptable. I just want to free your mind, now here's another song you should sing only if you feel that you should sing, but you shouldn't listen to me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith makes a two stick for himself that reads, "NO gods, NO capos, now sing, or not."

Supporters Group Member Silently Tweets That People Need To Get Loud

Denver, CO - Rapids fan and supporters group member David Bentley was reportedly incensed at the lack of atmosphere during the recent victory against Toronto FC and silently took his frustration to Twitter, during the game, to complain about the lack of fans singing and paying attention to the game.

Image.jpg

According to friends, the Centennial 38 member muttered under his breath about the lack of engagement as he utilized Twitter during the game to put everyone on blast for not singing.

"This place is going to be a library if you don't contribute," ranted Bentley to his twitter account @NugsPidsAvsBroncsRocks49  as he silently complained about the lack of effort in the stands. "We need everyone contributing and pushing their voices to the max," tweeted Bentley as he missed 10 minutes of game time composing the tweet and attempting to get it to send with the overworked data service in the area.

Friends say that Bentley is very passionate about encouraging expression in the grounds even as he stands stock still in the stands muttering disapproving statements under his breath.

"David is a big proponent of giving it your all, except for himself," stated good friend Benjamin Lauderdale."He typically stands there remaining relatively silent with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face, but that doesn't mean that other people should do the same."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bentley writes a multi-part tweet on people coasting in the supporters section.

Harry Kane Claims Last Two Goals Scored By The Seattle Sounders

LONDON - In a shocking move, Tottenham Hotspur forward Harry Kane has reportedly submitted an official claim to FIFA stating that he was responsible for the last two goals scored by the Seattle Sounders against Sporting Kansas City.

Kane.png

"I and I alone am responsible for the goals given to Cristian Roldan and Will Bruin," stated the Spurs striker. "In my effort towards the golden boot I will not be shortchanged by a clerical error."

Sources close to Kane indicate that his ability to connect Tottenham to Clint Dempsey and Clint Dempsey to the Sounders indicates that Kane is directly responsible for the goals which should be added to the forwards tally moving him only two goals behind Liverpool's Mohamed Salah for the English Premier League Golden Boot.

We reached out to Major League Soccer (MLS) for comment and they stated that they are conducting an internal review, but are ready to void the draw for the Sounders, award the goals to Kane and pay him a settlement fee as long as he agrees to come over and play in the league in 10 years and/or 4 ligament injuries.

"We will review this internally," stated director of Public Relations for MLS Jenna Aimes. "However, we will ensure that the mechanism is in place to allow Mr. Kane satisfaction and possibly to encourage his future participation in the league... possibly with our new Austin franchise in 2028."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kane considers claiming all future goals scored by Dempsey.

Newly Born New York Babies Given List Of Excuses Why They Will Not Attend Games At Red Bull Arena

NEW YORK - In a program created over the past 10 years, the nurses of Mount Sinai West and New York Presbyterian reportedly distribute a list of excuses cultivated since 1996 that indicate, in full, the reasons why the future adult in question will not attend any soccer games at Red Bull Arena.

 ".....And that's why you will support Manchester United despite never in your life stepping a foot in England."

".....And that's why you will support Manchester United despite never in your life stepping a foot in England."

"It was important for us to standardize the excuses ahead of time," stated Registered Nurse Sandra Halman. "We spoke to people on the street and scoured the internet for every possible excuse from, 'the PATH train is too complicated,' to the ever classic, 'I'm not rooting for any team named after an energy drink,' to the trendy xenophobic, 'there's too many fans from other countries there.' We then compiled this list and gave them to all the newborn infants over the past few years so that they would be prepared to come up with an excuse when they become the age where they want to experiment with soccer."

Sources within the Birthing Center of New York in Brooklyn indicate that they were reluctant to expose children to soccer at this early an age due to the fact that even the manufacturers of soccer were seemingly against advertisements.

"Given that the companies that provide this addictive sport think that it is too dangerous to advertise their team to the general populace, we were obviously very concerned about expressing these dangerous ideas to day old children," stated Obstetrician Patty Helms. "However, the risk of these children being born without the proper excuses as to why they will not attend games at Red Bull Arena far outweigh the dangers of exposing them to soccer before they are fully developed."

According to doulas with the Brooklyn Midwifery Group, even people interested in home births in the five boroughs are getting educated as the midwife community express the self evident truths of soccer support in the New York area during a, "Get to know your bloody show," event currently at the Placenta Pavilion on Birth Canal Street.

"It's important for these parents and these infants to understand the tug of local soccer and how best to resist it," stated Head Doula Dominque Swain. "We let parents know of the addictive chemical composition of local soccer injected with Taurine and Gluten. It's a very dangerous composition."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more excuses pile up from soccer fans in the area.

 

NYCFC To Re-brand As Sportvereniging Nieuw Amsterdam

NEW YORK - In light of the recent development that Futbol Club Cincinnati may change their name to Fussball Club Cincinnati in order to reflect the city heritage, New York City Football Club announced that they would re-brand as Sportvereniging Nieuw Amsterdam.

 Even back THEN there wasn't any room for a stadium.

Even back THEN there wasn't any room for a stadium.

"It's important for us to have a name and identity that reflects the local history of this city," stated President Jon Patricof. "In this effort, we are going to re-brand to show the original Dutch heritage of this location."

Sources within Major League Soccer state that this is just an ongoing effort to re-brand teams to allow fans a better connection with their local history.

"The league is very interested in ensuring that fans feel connected to the historical information of a European past in their area," stated one anonymous source. "This is only the tip of the iceberg. The league plans on rolling out a re-branding for a number of clubs including the Philadelphia Union who will be re-brand as PSV Fort Nya Göteborg."

Speaking to fans of Sportvereniging Nieuw Amsterdam., they expressed a delight at purchasing new kits and scarves stating, "All we really wanted to do was to have an authentic experience and this is another step onto the platform of total authenticity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as none of the teams are re-branded to the original indigenous names of the regions.

Experienced Fan Around Major League Soccer Long Enough To Hope TFC Loses

WASHINGTON - Experienced soccer fan Andrea Guzman stated that she's been around Major League Soccer long enough to hope that Toronto FC lose their upcoming CONCACAF Champions League final as she stated, "If it's not D.C. United I hope they all fucking lose."

 "Remember when D.C. United was the vanguard of supporters groups and on field prowess?"

"Remember when D.C. United was the vanguard of supporters groups and on field prowess?"

We spoke with Ms. Guzman who indicated that her disdain comes from being a fan of a team in the league for some length of time.

"I've followed United since I was 12 years old back in 96. It's been over 22 years of following the boys, and I've come to realize that I don't really give a rat's ass about whether the league does something or not. In my world, if D.C. United isn't the one about the win the trophy then they can all just lose."

Friends of Ms. Guzman state that she only watches D.C. United games and doesn't even care to turn on other nationally broadcast games when they don't have her team playing.

"I don't care about whether the league makes it. It already has me as a fan of my own team and to be very honest my team is actively working to try to prevent me from being that. So pardon me if I just don't care whether the league gets another 3000 pages of content from a TFC win. If my team isn't going to be the first team to win this championship, why would I hope some other team does it?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Guzman avoids watching any of the CCL games by simply having a normal cable package.

English Team's Relegation Battle Killing Man's Passion For Local Team

Houston, TX - Stoke City and Houston Dynamo fan Gerald Coleman admitted that the seemingly unending four month winless streak by Stoke City that plummeted them into a relegation battle has completely killed all his passion for local team Houston Dynamo as the general malaise from watching one of his teams painfully slip into the Championship eats away at his soul.

 C'mon they've one once in the last 15 games! That's great!

C'mon they've one once in the last 15 games! That's great!

"Between Stoke City slowly unraveling and the Dynamo's start to the season I think I'm just completely numb to soccer," stated Coleman to The Nutmeg News. "Everyone keeps talking about how much fun a relegation battle is, but if your team is freefalling to the Championship by failing repeatedly over the course of five months it doesn't seem nearly as much fun as they say it should be."

Friends and fellow fans of the Dynamo were reportedly thrilled to be able to watch their local club again, but at the recent watch party for the game against the San Jose Earthquakes a despondent Coleman stated, "they are just going to fuck this up, like all the teams in my life," right before the Dynamo surrendered a 2-1 lead on the road.

"Soccer is just so dumb, and I want to spend my time doing anything else at this point," mumbled Coleman as his eyes glazed over at the site of Jahmir Hyka scoring for the Earthquakes in the 85th minute. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Coleman tries to look on the bright side of figuring out how to watch games in the Championship later this year.

"Of Course I'm Concerned With The Deepening Humanitarian Crisis In Syria, But Have You Heard That There's A Coach Within The USSF That Doesn't Utilize Rondos?"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Hans Delbrook of Cornwall, Virginia.

"Dear Friend,

Of course I'm concerned with the deepening humanitarian crisis in Syria, but have you heard that there's a soccer coach within the US Soccer Federation developmental tiers that doesn't utilize rondos?

Rondo.jpg

No? 

Well who cares about the upcoming deaths of people elsewhere when we have unqualified coaches out there that are not teaching the youth of our society about overload and mismatches in the game at a basic level.

Look, I'm not going to explain to you what a Rondo is because if you don't know what a Rondo is than you shouldn't be involved in soccer at all, at any level. However, let me tell you that this is the important conversation that we should be having today. Not about firing misseles into Syria, not about financial improrieties at all levels of government, we need to be talking about Rondos. 

We will never be a great soccer nation until we talk about rondos. We will never understand the game until all of our rondos are running rondos. We need to overload our overloads until our overloads have overloads overloading the overloads.

In short, attached you will find my Twitter thread with 364 posts spread out over 10 days on the rondo and coaches that I guess will not implement it because they are a part of the know-nothing cabal in the United States and I've never attended their training.

Thank you,

Hans"

New Study Indicates 9 Out Of 10 Women Don't Understand Offsides Rule

A new study committed by the Institute of Useless Things in Dayton, Ohio indicates that 9 out of 10 women don't understand the Offsides Rule. 

 "Are you shitting me with this shit?"

"Are you shitting me with this shit?"

Our reporters spoke to several women in the United States, who would return our phone calls, and asked them about the Offsides Rule and what they don't understand about it, with the following results.

"What is the offsides rule and is it like the offside rule?" asks Laura Billing, a know-nothing supporter of Minnesota United. "Guys always ask me if I know the offsides rule and I roll my eyes at them because there's nothing like overaggressive and incorrect gatekeeping to represent your gender in idiocy."

We spoke to soccer fan, rec-league referee and dog-fancy subscriber Bethany Jones of Santa Clara who stated, "Offsides? I don't know that one. If you are going to talk about the sport, why don't you use the correct terminology? How is this that difficult to understand? It is OFFSIDE... OFFSIDE..... for the love of god."

Jasmine Sinclair, a soccer supporter, librarian and fan of Hey Arnold, stated, "If you are going to come at me with this offsides garbage then you need to, right now, name 15 starters in the NWSL that aren't national team members. I bet you don't even know all the names of the teams."

Clearly the respondents are a small sample size, but the above statements show that, in-fact, all three women we spoke with had zero understanding of the Offsides Rule.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the investigation into the Offsides Rule, throw ins and that drunk idiot behind you in the stands that knows all the rules.

 

Supporter With Bedazzled Vest Not Certain Why Flair Is Banned In USL

Las Vegas, NV - Las Vegas Lights supporter Tiffany Hobb was reportedly flummoxed by talk about the league banning flair as she had no issue bringing in her bedazzled vest to the match against Swope Park Rangers on Saturday.

 Like this, but more punk..... and with a head.

Like this, but more punk..... and with a head.

"I told my friends that I was going to bring a little bit of flair with me on Saturday and they all freaked out," stated Ms. Hobb. "The kept insisting I was going to get kicked out of the game. I don't know why it was so exciting for them, but they kept asking me what time I was going to, 'start the show.' They couldn't believe it when I said that I'd have it out for the entire game."

Hobb, reportedly, sat resplendent in her Swarovski Crystal emblazoned jean-jacket vest with appropriately placed Social Distortion and X patches for the entirety of the match without being accosted by security or being thrown out of the match.

She stated, "See! It wasn't a big deal," before attempting to see if there was a Lights patch available that she could sew onto her vest at a later date.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Hobb is removed for cursing at a Llama.

STILL No Canadian Teams Entered As Discrimination Continues In The 105th US Open Cup

Soccer teams from Canada were, reportedly, outraged as the rampant discrimination in the US Open Cup tournament continued for the 105th year with the announcement that not one single Canadian team made the tournament.

metromariners.jpg

Halifax men's soccer teams Athens Too and Metro Mariners FC stated that they complied with every necessary requirement to enter the tournament only to grievously be overlooked for the United States championship.

"We are a strong Canadian team from Halifax. We aren't going to be afraid of some MLS team with their money," stated Mariners player John Jorgenson. "Just wait til they have to come here to play a game, then we will show them how to play."

Calls to US Soccer were not answered as The Nutmeg News searched for reasons as to why there is such discrimination against Canadian teams.

"We don't know why this keeps happening," stated director of Timbit procurement for Athens Too Stephen Harper. "We just know that one day a Canadian team will have a chance to play for the US Open Cup if we just keep working at it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we chase down an answer from US Scocer on their rampant discrimination.

CONCACAF Announces Hell In A Cell Rematch For Toronto FC And Club America

MIAMI - After last night's rumble on the frozen shores of Lake Ontario, the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football (CONCACAF) announced an immediate Hell In A Cell rematch scheduled for April 10th.

 OH. MAH. GAWD.... HE GENTLY PUSHED HIM OVER WITH A NUDGE IN THE BACK!  HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!

OH. MAH. GAWD.... HE GENTLY PUSHED HIM OVER WITH A NUDGE IN THE BACK!

HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!

"These two notorious brawlers aren't done yet," stated director of programming for CONCACAF, Shane McDowell. "Club America asked for a rematch and Toronto agreed. We will have a Hell In A Cell match in the luxurious Estadio Azteca. All rules are off as these two legends battle to determine once and for all who the preeminent side is in a competition that is moderately important for Club America but very important for Toronto FC."

McDowell indicated that CONCACAF legend and Count Chocula cosplay enthusiast Baldomero Toledo expressed interest in refereeing the bout but was disqualified due to being a current referee in MLS. Instead, Uzbek referee Ravshan Irmatov will take the reins and he informed both teams that no holds would be barred.

"SHIT IS GONNA GET WILD," stated America fan Carlos Gutierrez. "Although I hope that my buddy Paulo doesn't piss in a water bottle to throw at players. That was gross."

Sources with the Secretaría de Seguridad Pública de la ciudad de México indicate that both teams will be kept from each other in the tunnels unless they want to record a promo gone wrong opportunity where Miguel Herrera bursts into the TFC locker room and choke slams Greg Vanney through a conveniently clean table.

"We expect the best professionalism out of both teams," stated McDowell. "This isn't going to be like the Big Show on the mic. We expect something better out of both of these teams."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Giovinco walks onto the field in a Lucha Libre mask.

Physicists Say That Schrödinger's Zlatan Neither Proves Nor Disproves MLS Success

GENEVA - Physicists working on the Large Hadron Collider project for CERN state that the proposed thought problem of Schrödinger's Zlatan neither proves nor disproves the success of Major League Soccer (MLS).

 See, the cat is the league... and the poison is the Zlatan. No... wait... the Zlatan is the cat and the league is the hammer.... no wait... the hammer is the playoffs and the poison is Drake's new album and the cat is the physical manifestation of the J. Geils Band.

See, the cat is the league... and the poison is the Zlatan. No... wait... the Zlatan is the cat and the league is the hammer.... no wait... the hammer is the playoffs and the poison is Drake's new album and the cat is the physical manifestation of the J. Geils Band.

"There is not possibility for us to know whether the league is alive or not alive by the inclusion of Zlatan," stated director of Physics, Applied Mathematics and Astral Projection Thom Bjorstson. "The thought exercise indicates that Major League Soccer exists in all forms, both dead and alive, thus proving that it exists in every state."

According to theoretical chemist and Fortnite streamer Kevin "Big Kev" Anderson, Zlatan proves that the league is a retirement league as he elucidated in a 45 minute rant in a video with 332 views.

However, scientists say that it is impossible to know the condition of the league without violating the rules of the thought experiment and that it shows that the league exists in all forms.

"We must be careful of the Zeno effect," stated Mr. Bjorstson. "If we look at the league too much it will accelerate the changes speeding up the opinion of the growth of the league or showing that it is declining. IT's important to keep Schrödinger's Zlatan as the thought experiment that it is without getting too much into that parallel universe shit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heisenberg's uncertainty principle explains the limit of expected goals.

"Soccer For All" Campaign Accused Of Being Unfair To Racists

The recent Major League Soccer anti-bigotry campaign of "Soccer For All" has been accused of being unfair to racists and bigots that might otherwise enjoy soccer.

"This is absolutely the MLS being unfair to me and my friends," stated noted racist, Youtube conspiracy streamer, and waste of human flesh Jim "Boss Hawgged" Dirfle. "I don't watch sports for politics, so you keep your leftist liberal communist ways away from my soccer. If I want to watch soccer and be racist, I'm gonna do it."

With the league heavily invested in anti-bigotry campaigns, over the years, a small number of fans claim that these initiatives are keeping them from enjoying another season of MLS because they are horrible people who think that they should be able to be racist all the time.

"If I can't watch a game and scream slurs at players I hate, then why even play the games at all," stated bigot Allie Mcraw.

"There should be a place for racist people and bigots where we can express ourselves at the stadium, but these snowflakes are determined to keep us from offending those delicate sensibilities," stated racist Jimmy Jim Jimmerson. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as extreme right-wing fans interpret this anti-bigotry campaign as an attack on themselves, which is a very curious thing... because it seems like the only reason you would be against a "soccer for all" campaign is if you didn't think soccer was for everyone.

Loaded Totchos Do Nothing To Salvage Indy Eleven Loss

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan Andrea Gusforth stated that the loaded totchos she picked up at halftime of the recent Indy Eleven - FC Cincinnati game did nothing to salvage the 1-0 loss.

 TOTCHOS - Or Loaded Tots - Either/Or. ... Oh... are we going to argue this point? Fine. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS.

TOTCHOS - Or Loaded Tots - Either/Or. ... Oh... are we going to argue this point? Fine. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS.

"My hope was that purchasing the loaded tots would lead to a victory," stated Ms. Gusforth to The Nutmeg News. "This strategy worked once before, so I was guaranteed that a comeback was going to happen. However, it did not."

Sources from around Ms. Gusforth indicate that her commitment to the Holy Loaded Totcho was only rivaled by her commitment to casting salt over her left shoulder and twirling her scarf in a clockwise (NOT COUNTER) fashion. 

"I'm not superstitious," argued Ms. Gusforth. "But I won't be buying those totchos again. For they have forsaken me in my time of need. WHY, TOTCHO? WHY?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME! These TOTCHOS did nothing to salvage this loss! Their fried goodness dried in my mouth like ashes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Gusforth switches to a blessed sacrament of the holy hotdog.

Thrilled Daniel Steres Celebrates Easter By Hugging God

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy defender Daniel Steres admitted that he was trilled to celebrate Easter by hugging Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Zlatan2.jpg

"I had an up and down game, but I really enjoyed getting that hug," stated Steres to The Nutmeg News after the 4-3 Galaxy win over LAFC. 

"I'm not certain there was ever a period in my life where I believed I was going to hug god, but here we are."

Family stated that a young Steres never stated anything, when he was younger, about hugging Ibrahimovic.

"Daniel was a confident player but I'm not certain that he ever saw himself arm in arm with the almighty..... but here we are," stated good friend Brad Emmert.

We spoke to Zlatan about the hug and he had the following to say, "Of course one should be interested in a hug from me. Zlatan's hugs are life."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Zlatan fails to remember who any of his teammates are after the game.

3000 Person Stand Built Just For LAFC Owners Nears Completion

LOS ANGELES - A 3000 person stand built just for their owners at Los Angeles Football Club's new stadium nears completion as the new MLS side prepares for their eventual first game in the Banc of California Stadium.

 A portion of Los Angeles Football Club's ownership group.

A portion of Los Angeles Football Club's ownership group.

The stand was built to allow a portion of the ownership group of LAFC to attend home matches and will function as a hierarchical sorting mechanism for club importance.

"The stand will indicate the person that is more important in terms of ownership," stated LAFC public relations executive Paula Aberdeen. "The lower you sit to the field, the more important your voice is to the club. The higher up you set, the less valid your feelings are on recent trades, acquisitions and financial matters."

LAFC reportedly spent additional funds to build the new super structure capable of supporting part of the ownership group, while ensuring tight controls over who is able to attend.

"For our tier 4 owners, they are not allowed to attend a game until they complete an onboarding program, achieve the necessary levels, complete their psychiatric audit, and find a small token hidden under West Hardy street between Inglewood and La Brea."

Sources within the club indicate that bidding rights for the seats in the new stand are at an all time high with many owners claiming some long distance relation to Peter Guber and Will Ferrell, "... you know... from his improv days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the owners as they bring on an additional 2000 members with a discussion about expanded seating.

Christen Press To Forgo Making Money In Sweden Due To Fan Demands

Göteborg, Sweden - A remorseful Christen Press announced that she would be returning to the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) after receiving a number of imbecilic fan demands on Twitter.

Christen_Press_in_San_Jose.jpg

"It was pointed out to me that my main duty in life is to appease the United States super fans that are very, very upset," stated Press at her press conference. "I apologize for attempting to have control of my life and make my own decisions. I admit that Becky from Long Island who said that I was a, 'total diva,' is 100% correct and I will return to the NWSL."

Press was, reportedly, unhappy with a surprise trade to the Houston Dash and took her right as a human being to make her own decision in life and go play in Sweden, a move that angered irrational fans across the United States.

"SHE DOESNT HAVE FREE WILL," stated Jessica Haverdill of Boston, MA. "SHE WILL DO WHAT WE SAY SHE WILL DO. SHE BELONGS TO US. I DEMAND SHE PLAYS IN THE NWSL. I DEMAND THAT SHE PLAY FOR THE DASH. I DEMAND THAT SHE SEND ME HAIR SAMPLES AND CALL ME THREE TIMES A WEEK. I DEMAND THAT SHE CO-AUTHOR MY FAN FICTION THAT STARS HER."

While the Tumblr and Twitter sphere was reportedly full of livid fans who couldn't wait to dump on Ms. Press, some fans think that they may have gone too far.

"These fans are crazy," said one anonymous fan who refused to be identified because they didn't want to receive a  shedload of tweets, emails and attempted doxxing from a tiny portion of the USWNT fanbase that is just completely fucking nuts. "Now you need to understand that they are very miniscule portion of the overall fans of Women's Soccer, but still.... wow. I would love to see her play in the NWSL, but she is her own person. If Christen Press wants to play in Sweden, who am I to tell her no?"

In a strongly worded and acted rebuttal, a Twitter user @PressStan4USWNTMorganLyfe attempted to hack our email accounts and obtain our transcripts with the anonymous fan while simultaneously swearing out a lifetime vendetta for anyone that would not realize that Press belongs in the NWSL and the United States will win the World Cup.

The Nutmeg News.will have more on this as we go into the witness protection program.

"Zlatan Is Old As Shit!" States 38 Year Old Man

Oklahoma City, OK - 38 year old soccer fan Frank Stewart stated, "Zlatan is old as shit!" to friends, on Sunday.

 He's practically ancient!

He's practically ancient!

The 36 year old Ibrahimovic signed with LA Galaxy for the rest of the year irritating the 38 year old Stewart who only knows that Zlatan has, "been around forever," and, "Didn't he retire already?"

Friends say that Stewart was irrationally upset that the league would pay an over the hill player so much money to come here and retire. 

"I just can't believe that they are even paying him a million dollars," ranted Stewart to our reporter. "It's ridiculous that some over the hill has been is getting paid anything to join MLS. They need to have the youth come in and get rid of the old legacy players."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart looks for a new job that will pay him what he feels that he is worth as an experienced professional.