Too Late For Porter To Get Back The Akron Sweatshirt He Forgot

Portland, OR - After finalizing his break up, last night, a newly single Caleb Porter realized that it was far too late for him to get back the Akron sweatshirt he forgot at Providence Park.

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"I thought about having Darlington go over and pick it up from them, but that's just really awkward," stated Porter to The Nutmeg News. "I just need to make a clean break, and I guess my favorite oversized Akron sweatshirt is part of that process."

Porter reportedly began receiving text messages from former partner Merritt Paulson, this morning, that started out with base platitudes such as "why are you doing this to me," and "we were great together," that eventually turned into a series of lurid shots of the 2015 MLS Cup.

According to Porter, Paulson suggested the two just meet up for some coffee or alligator wrestling, that they didn't even have to talk about formations or player acquisition at all, but Porter insisted the two needed some time away from each other. "Down the road you will likely thank me for this," stated the former coach of the Timbers.

Sources from within the Timbers front office indicate that Merritt Paulson will have all new coaching candidates for the Timbers try on the Akron sweatshirt during their interviews.

Paulson was last seen blasting November Rain on repeat in his stadium suite.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Porter receives a text message stating, "I miss your musk."

"Moving The Rowdies Here After MLS Got Bored With The Market Was Our Only Chance To Get An MLS Team," States Upset Las Vegas Soccer Fan

LAS VEGAS - Local soccer fan Deryk Valenzuela admitted that he was upset that the Tampa Bay Rowdies bid to join Major League Soccer (MLS) fell apart (according to a recent report in Sports Illustrated) as he realized that having the Rowdies eventually move to Las Vegas after MLS got bored with the market and the team started demanding stadium renovations in 10/15 years was the only way his city was going to get a decent MLS team.

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"I want an MLS team in Las Vegas and the only way we are getting one is if we steal one from another city," stated Valenzuela to The Nutmeg News. "We watched it happen in Austin, we watched it happen in Houston and in Orlando and now in Salt Lake, in the NWSL."

While Valenzuela admitted that he knew about the Las Vegas Lights as he stated, "I'm not going to follow that USL shit," to our reporter.

"I only want the top tier teams and the way that you get a team in Major League Soccer is either by having a sugar daddy owner buy his way into the league with a sack full of money or by stealing one from another city. I don't want the Rapids, when Stan Kroenke gets tired of owning them.... I want the Rowdies. We could even keep the name. The Las Vegas Rowdies sounds great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Valenzuela continues to hope for a breakthrough in the Rowdies to MLS bid so he can plan on having a MLS team in 15 years when the league gets tired of the market.

Woman Attempts To Dress Herself Without Wearing Team Or Supporters Clothes

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Theresa Hall apparently attempted to dress herself, this morning, without wearing team or supporters clothing in an attempt to appear more grown up and professional.

Hall's Monday and Tuesday hoodie.

Hall's Monday and Tuesday hoodie.

"Every. Single. T-Shirt," stated Hall to her friend Stephanie over Twitter DM. "Every. Single. T-shirt was Sounders or ECS related."

Reportedly, Hall's attempt at professionalism resulted in friends and co-workers calling out her obvious attempt at being more professional as they noticed that she wore an unbranded outfit for the first time in 4 months.

"You aren't wearing an ECS hoody, jeans, and a Sounders beanie..... so... what's up with that? You have a job interview today," stated co-worker Dawn Regenold. "If you are leaving, you need to let me know."

Hall's attempt at professionalism also threw her barista off as he rudely stammered, "Did you get some sleep... or like.... Something's different...um....."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hall returns home, takes off her professional attire and sinks into a pair of leggings, an over-sized Sounders hoody and a Sounders beanie (or tuque if you are Canadian).

Blowhard Who Completely Failed At His Job Given Air Time To Talk About Why He Isn't Responsible

Blowhard and ex-coach Bruce Arena was, reportedly, given air time on Tuesday to talk about why he wasn't responsible for the United States failure to make the 2018 World Cup.

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People who were forced to watch the babbling idiocy of Rob Stone, Alexi Lalas and Bruce Arena yukking it up in the studio talking about national team quotas stated that they felt a large amount of anger that one of the men responsible for the failure of the United States was given such leeway.

"If I failed at my job that much I would be fired without severance and asked to leave the building," stated Emergency Room nurse Jaqui Reynolds. "It's amazing how many opportunities you get in life if you are a male sanctimonious blowhard."

Pipefitter Larry Henderson stated, "If I was told to do a job and I failed to do so, I wouldn't get another cushy job explaining why things happened the way it did. I would be chastened, disciplined and likely fired. In the real world, failure has consequences. I guess things are easier when Fox has low standards and they need a muppet with a superiority complex."

The Nutmeg News will probably have more on this because assuredly Bruce Arena has more dumb things to say.

Southern States To Erect Monuments Of 2017 USA World Cup Qualification Team

A grouping of states in the southern half of the United States of America announced their intention to erect monuments to the victorious losers who valiantly failed during the disastrous 2017 United States World Cup Qualifying process.

Rebecca Blackwell / Associated Press

Rebecca Blackwell / Associated Press

"Not building these 2017 World Cup Monuments, or any monuments from our history, will not change the past. But it will make for a poorer, less enlightened future," stated director of statues and monuments for Virginia, Bill Lemar. "I'm someone who believes in more monuments, not less monuments. This is about the heritage of our country and our continued, unchecked greatness as depicted through statues that will inflict psychic pain on United States soccer fans every single time they look at them."

"This nation is being TORN APART by not having statues and monuments of our glorious losers," stated director of symbology and retconning for the DeVry Institute, Harvey Dilborough. "If we want to commemorate the time we missed the world cup with a statue of a weeping Christian Pulisic, you should accept it. This is about the heritage of our country."

According to southern city planners, there are monuments to specific players and moments from the 2017 United States World Cup qualification disaster being planned across the United States that will exhibit scenes like that of Michael Bradley sitting on the ground while Trinidadian players celebrate behind him.

"We must celebrate our history. In another hundred years we can claim that we never lost this world cup at all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the bronzed statues take life.

Blogger Ready To Make Way Too Much Of Every Little Thing That Happens During Portugal v United States Game

LOS ANGELES - USMNT blogger John Corbyn stated that he was ready to make way too much of every little thing that happens during the meaningless Portugal v United States friendly, today.

LETS GET THIS MEANINGFUL GAME GOING!

LETS GET THIS MEANINGFUL GAME GOING!

"I'm going to frame by frame analyze tactics, players, expressions, laughter, tears, statements, water delivery, fans, coaches, everything," stated Corbyn on his twitter account @RealPatriotSoccerNews. "I'll publish what the cabal of secret USSF funded writers are afraid to write regarding the control of the presidency over individual player movements and the restrictions that are placed upon them by Sunil Gulati."

Corbyn started his coverage of US v Portugal by breaking down the Bruce Arena interview beforehand with word by word introspective long form tweets that verged upon unreadable as dozens of his followers deserted him after his 32nd tweet in a row.

"THIS IS IMPORTANT," ranted Corbyn. "IT INDICATES WHERE WE ARE GOING AS A SOCCER NATION."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as the game is utterly meaningless.

Argentina Wouldn't Be Losing To Nigeria If They Had Promotion/Relegation

Salt Lake City, UT - Self proclaimed activist Stan Rocheleau stated, "Argentina wouldn't be losing to Nigeria, right now, if they had promotion/relegation," after doing absolutely zero research on the subject in the first place.

You know it's true.

You know it's true.

Waiting until Argentina gave up the lead as Nigeria scored 4 goals, Rocheleau vehemently went on a tirade on his Twitter account about the self inflicted misery that exists within Argentina as he decried the current system abut which he knows nothing.

"This is all a conspiracy by the Argentina Football Association to keep down teams like um.... whatever they are called there..... from playing local players to increase their standings in the world league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rocheleau continues his tirade without fact checking.

Self Absorbed Narcissist Admits He Is Perfect For Supporters' Group Leadership

NEW YORK - Timothy Ross, a self absorbed narcissist, admitted that he is perfect for supporters' group leadership as he announced his candidacy for leadership of any position that is open within NYCFC's fan groups.

I don't TAKE pictures.... I make pictures, of myself... in a mirror. It's hard finding good subject matter.

I don't TAKE pictures.... I make pictures, of myself... in a mirror. It's hard finding good subject matter.

"I'm the right person for the job," stated Ross to his two Twitter accounts, his Facebook account, Instagram account, Snapchat account, Reddit account, 4chan account, 8chan account, IRC account, Slack Channel, and Voat account. "I'm a capable person who is very interested in stepping into the limelight and taking this supporters' group to the next level."

According to himself, Ross is the most likely candidate to lead a supporters' group because he knows he is the best candidate to lead a supporters' group and that knowledge that he is the best transfers itself down into every facet of his life.

"I know when to call out other people for not toeing my line and following my arbitrary rules," stated Ross into a mirror. "I know what the culture needs, and it needs more people like me. That is, people who are relentlessly obsessed with their status and position who can also use charity initiatives to make themselves look good. After all, that's what a good supporters' group does. It uses charity initiatives to embed themselves into the local community, raise funds for various things which in turn then allows the leaders to claim moral superiority over their fellow fans and also allows the local community to gloss over their abusive language in the stands. It's a win win for everyone except those that don't have time to commit to all of these extraneous activities that a supporters group does other than going to a soccer game."

We spoke to NYCFC supporters for their thoughts on the election process.

Sandra Ovamento, 22 of Brooklyn: "Well I know who he is, so I'm probably voting for him. He has a lot of Twitter followers and knows everyone, so that helps.

David Thornberry, 31 of Queens: "Everyone else running doesn't seem very confident. Plus I've seen him at games."

Paul Guiterrez, 24 of Queens: "I really don't like him. I think he is a cocky punk, but he's the only name I recognize."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this happens everywhere that politics exists.

"All New Expansion Teams Must Utilize A Viking Clap," States Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Releasing a new document detailing requirements for expansion, Major League Soccer (MLS) stated that, "All new expansion teams must utilize a viking clap."

That sweet sweet Viking Clap

That sweet sweet Viking Clap

"It is a requirement in a league for new teams and new supporters groups," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "A viking clap is imperative not only for atmosphere but for consideration of expansion. LAFC have already agreed to implement a viking clap, Atlanta United have a viking clap. Seattle Sounders have a viking clap. You cannot be a successful team without a viking clap."

Sources within the league state that the modified FCC Viking clap for FC Cincinnati has increased the bid possibility of Cincinnati from possible to probable as the team showed the initiative to get on trend with Major League Soccer.

"Cincinatti went from a nice story to a shoe-in with the viking clap," stated our insider with Major League Soccer. "The league loves a good viking clap so it was only a matter of time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the trend shifts back to vuvuzelas and Seven Nation Army.

OP/ED: Anyone Know Who Won The MLS?

Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News. Today's letter is from Jerry Earles of Memphis, TN.

Anyone know who won the MLS?

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Does anyone know? I asked my grandson Kaiden when he came over to fix the Facebooks, but he didn't know. There aren't any games on ESPN and it seems like the end of the season. Someone had to win.

I remember back when the Diplomats were playing, we knew who won and we knew who lost. These days I can't figure out if anyone has won anything. You'd think that I could just ask my phone for the news, but she doesn't know anything either.

So if the league still isn't playing, there aren't any games on TV, someone had to win.

Ok, well.... nevermind. Look, Linda is here now and she wants to make some stew. It's delicious. You should come over some time and try it. Barbara and the kids were over last week for some stew and we sang some delightful old songs while she played at the piano. It was a reminder of old times with the kids all gathered around and Bill playing the squeezebox.... er... I'm rambling on, but still did anyone win the MLS?

Thanks,

Jerry Earles

Not Enough Room In Twitter Profile For Man To Express His Commitment To Saving NASL/MLS/NPSL Teams

Oklahoma City, OK - Soccer supporter Jeffrey Anderson admitted that the 170 characters available in his Twitter profile were not enough to allow him to type in all the teams that he thinks needs to be saved in order to accurately reflect his opinions on US and Canadian soccer.

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"I don't want to leave anyone out, as I spend about 20 minutes every morning tweeting about all the teams in North America that need to be saved," stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. "I have to cover all my bases, because it isn't just the Crew, but all the teams in the NASL, some teams in the USL, some teams in the NPSL, the Canadian Premier League, and the MASL."

Anderson reportedly spent the weekend giving his assurances to fans of multiple teams throughout the two countries that he was, "In support of them," thus ensuring that all of his followers would now sit through bold declarations of support for those teams and against their leagues/federations until Anderson just gets tired of keeping up with everything.

"This is what I'm passionate about, and it's the offseason since Energy got knocked out of the playoffs. I feel for those fans, just like I know they feel for me and my team if we were in trouble."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson's followers list continues to hemorrhage people.

INJURY REPORT: Supporter Out 1 Year Due To Child

Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota United supporter Lisa Hendricks ruptured her season tickets in the fourth quarter of 2017 not only ending her 2018 season but leaving the Dark Clouds without one of their most visible and vocal leaders in support. 

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"You're not going to replace Lisa with another Lisa. That's not what happens," stated Dark Clouds manager Erik Smith. "The guys know that Lisa would be disappointed if they left off supporting the Loons. I think we'll be OK there."

Lisa was ruled out for the season while covering her husband David with a blanket on an afternoon romp. She hobbled at the end of the play into the hospital and promptly sat on the bed where the doctors and nurses began examining her. Hendricks did not appear to be in obvious discomfort but reported some light flatulence.

The Dark Clouds have dealt with a rash of season ending Pregnancy in recent years, including two sustained by Stephanie Portney. The star supporter's latest occurred late last season, but she managed to return to the field by Summer games and was a full participant in the run at the end of the season.

Hendricks also has a history of overcoming serious hurdles in her career

She missed most of the 2011 season after having to move to Madison for training, only to start 10 games the following season. She also missed the final 4 games of the 2013 regular season while undergoing treatment for vitamin D deficiency at the holistic spa in Cabo San Luca, only to return for pre-season games and again attend all games the following season.

Hendricks was coming off arguably her best year in 2016 when she made $43,000, changed her haircut, re-organized her closet space, and finally returned that library book she had in her possession from 2015. She almost single-handedly won a trivia night at Keegan's Pub, and was a big reason why her kickball team went 12-4 and won their first regular season title since 2012.

"She had an opportunity to talk to the supporters group yesterday after the positive test," Smith said, "and I know she would be very disappointed if anyone hung their head or let her birth plan be an issue. And I thought that everyone handled it very well. Our guys were able to kind of muster it up and keep the emotional soccer part in focus without resorting to mucus plug jokes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks pushes hard to recover in enough time for first kick in 2018.

Supporter Now Has An Additional 140 Characters To Utilize In Embarrassing Fanbase

Boston, MA - Fans of the Revolution were reportedly aghast that the Twitter account of Soccer supporter Jermaine Pearson (@NEsoccertruths) was upgraded to the new Twitter standard of 280 characters giving him an additional 140 characters to utilize in embarrassing the entirety of the Revolution fanbase as well as fans of the United States Men's and Women's national team.

More Characters? Hell yes.

More Characters? Hell yes.

"I am now unshackled to tell the truth about how terrible the Mexican national team is on a global level, re-tweet long form racist jokes about my neighbors, tweet xenophobic viewpoints about dual national players, explode the global SUM conspiracy dedicated towards the downfall of the United States Men's Team, and all other salacious rumors about US Soccer. I'm going to start by crafting an essay towards individual US players to tell them how being more patriotic would help their play 1/64," stated @NEsoccertruths as he launched his 280 character domination in full swing.

"I also plan on tweeting at supporters that I dislike starting with the following list of people who had statements contrary to mine in the stands roughly 4 years ago who are very clearly assholes."

Pearson then started on a 280 character enhanced rant that reportedly ended with him tweeting directly at national soccer reporters with insane personal convictions until he was blocked by nearly every reporter for rampant abuse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pearson expands his 280 character rants with screen shots of his verbal diarrhea from Windows Notepad.

"EVENTUALLY There's Going To Be A Good Western Conference Playoff Game," States Soccer Fan At Slot Machine

Reno, NV - Soccer fan and degenerate gambler Terry "Fuzer" Huser stated, "EVENTUALLY there's going to be a good western conference playoff game," as he continued to hit spin on his Kitty Glitter slot machine.

YOU ALWAYS DOUBLE DOWN.

YOU ALWAYS DOUBLE DOWN.

Huser was adamant in his belief that eventually, if he kept watching, there would be a Western Conference Playoff game that wasn't hot garbage as he continued to be one of the 24 people nationwide to watch the Houston/Portland and Seattle/Vancouver series to the final kick.

"They can't all be terrible games. Eventually somethings gotta give," stated Huser as he took a long drag from his vape and looked wistfully at a pack of American Spirits to his left. "The east? Great games. Even the worst game from the east is better than every game from the western conference combined. But I know that watching them is going to pay off. Eventually it is going to come up my number. I'm going to win, because I'm a winner. It's going to happen, right? Right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Huser spends his final $200 on Kitty Glitter and moves over to the Blazing 7s machine because that one has all the luck.

Moyes Appointment To West Ham Excites American Who Can't Locate West Ham On Map

Topeka, KS - "It has to be west of East Ham," stated new Hammers fan and David Moyes advocate Jim Watson who attempted to place the location of the London club somewhere in the north of England for some reason. 

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"I'm very excited for Moyes. I think he will get the best out of Chicharito," stated Watson to The Nutmeg News. "He was a Manchester manager. I think he is going to be great. It's going to take us to the top of the league again. Now, I just need you to tell me. Is there a North Ham on this map?"

Watson spent 30 minutes agonizing over the various locations in the Devon area before settling on the fact that West Ham is definitely not Devon, or vice versa. However, he remained upbeat about the chances of the Hammers with Moyes at the helm as he boldly predicted, "I think we will be making it into the playoffs with Moyes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Watson gingerly circles a push pin around Berwick-upon-Tweed.

 

Cardboard Cutout Of Precourt Only Has Three Pieces Of Clothing Left

Columbus, OH - The cardboard cutout of Crew owner Anthony Precourt only has three pieces of clothing left upon it as the Crew continue to use the disgraced owner as fodder for their playoff run.

It's only a matter of time.

It's only a matter of time.

"We needed something to galvanize this team and the fact that Precourt is trying to move all of the players and the staff and abandon Columbus was a pretty strong motivator," stated team insider Bragg Gerhelter. "We decided to rip off Major League because it's essentially the same thing, at this point. Every time we win a game and get closer to MLS cup, we remove a piece of clothing."

Gerhelter stated that he isn't certain why this is a motivator for the players but that the prospect of winning MLS Cup as a final thank you to Columbus is something that continues to be relevant.

"We don't have to have a reason why this makes sense, we just need to keep winning. Because the only thing that is keeping soccer in Columbus is the Crew winning and the fans supporting."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tom Berenger asks if the Crew could use a midfielder.

Kyle Martino's Hair Yet To Announce If It Will Also Run For USSF President

NEW YORK - After Kyle Martino announced his bid for US Soccer Federation (USSF) President, his glorious hair stated that it was yet to make a decision on a run for the vaunted position.

"How do you feel about the recent USSF/NASL news?"

"How do you feel about the recent USSF/NASL news?"

"I've got a lot of things on my plate," stated Martino's Hair. "What with trips to get softly caressed to maintain my bounce, appointments to ensure that my locks are bathed in only the finest cleansers, styling mousse and wax consultancy with Loreal, and opportunities to speak on the Syrian refugee crisis... It's a busy time."

Often the highlight of the commentary and pundit team on NBC Sports, Martino's hair carries considerable weight while still looking fresh, upright, bouncy and verdant.

"Of course I want to see the best for the soccer nation, but I have legacy of great hair to follow," stated Martino's Hair. "We must work together to ensure that people don't forget how great hair can make great men, and we must work to end the food crisis in Venezuela. If Kyle want's to go off to the USSF fight, I understand that.... but with great hair, comes great power."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martino's Hair announces a new autobiography titled "My Roots."

Supporter Claims He Absolutely Can Quit The Cosmos Any Time He Wants

NEW YORK - Claiming, "I can absolutely quit the Cosmos any time I want," supporter Derrin Gutiérrez continued to lie to himself as he finished his 7th year of finding a way to always support the NASL side.

We just like this picture.

We just like this picture.

"I'm absolutely capable of immediately stopping any time I want," lied Gutiérrez to concerned friends who attempted to convince him to just support Club America. "It would be easy. I could just walk out and throw out all my merchandise, stop watching the team and never go see another game again," lied Gutiérrez who had no intention of doing of what he just stated.

"How could you let this happen," stated friend Dominic Wilson who attempted to convince Gutiérrez that it wasn't worth his time to support the NASL side. "If you go back to them again in 2018, I'm done. I just can't support you continuing with this team."

Despite the ultimatum, Gutiérrez continues to enjoy the Cosmos experience despite not knowing what is going to happen in 2018 as he claimed, "I have to spend time with the Cosmos in order to be social. I'm not addicted. It's my release. It's my church. It's where my family and friends are every weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez stashes a little Cosmos merchandise behind his nightstand, just so he can have a taste... just in case.... y'know... if he needs a reminder of Raul before he goes to sleep.

 

Soccer Reporter Temporarily Forgets He Is About To Lose His Job While Filing Post Game Report

Seattle, WA - Soccer reporter Bryce Harper admitted that he temporarily forgot about the fact that he is about to lose his job while in the act of filing his game report after the Vancouver Whitecaps - Seattle Sounders playoff game finished.

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"I actually forgot that I'm participating in a dead industry that is quickly turning into ashes while my career options dwindle," stated Harper to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "I managed to get caught up with finishing my story about the Sounders progressing in the playoffs and totally forgot the fact that in the next three months, or so, I'm going to actually have to figure out if I need to move out of my apartment because I can't find any writing jobs and my application with the Shell gas station on Broadway was rejected for having too much experience."

Harper stated that when he was racking up student debt going through journalism school he didn't anticipate a time when the career choice that he passionately pursued was going to whither and die in front of his eyes.

"Most of my friends have already been let go from their positions, moved to other departments or left the city in an attempt to find more opportunities elsewhere," stated Harper. "I just don't even know, anymore, if sports writing exists except for a few people on the league payrolls. I don't even know why I like soccer anymore. I find myself hating the games I have to attend, the leagues that won't give you any quotes, the grind of publishing and the long hours with the possibility of being fired randomly on a Thursday."

The Nutmeg News will have more as Harper tries to figure out if he can transition into grant writing or if he should just go to nursing school.

Son Of Crew Cat Holds Resurrection Seance For Father Killed By Precourt Sports

Columbus, OH - Before the NYCFC - Columbus Crew playoff game, the Son Of Crew Cat held a resurrection seance in the MAPFRE Stadium parking lot in an attempt to summon the zombie body of his father, Crew Cat, to exact revenge for his death over 2 years ago.

"And I will strike down upon thee with GREAT VENGEANCE and FURIOUS ANGER those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Son Of Crew Cat when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" Original Photo - Adam Cairns - Columbus Dispatch

"And I will strike down upon thee with GREAT VENGEANCE and FURIOUS ANGER those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Son Of Crew Cat when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

Original Photo - Adam Cairns - Columbus Dispatch

"BLOOD MUST FLOW BEFORE MY ANGER WILL BE QUENCHED," stated Son Of Crew Cat. "My fathers will be done and his legacy will be restored. Vengeance will be mine!"

Son Of Crew Cat only knows that his father disappeared in 2015 due to the orders of Precourt Sports Venture, a venture capitalist firm specializing in pimping.

"Precourt is the one responsible. He must take the blame. He will give me the answers," stated a belligerent Son Of Crew Cat to The Nutmeg News. "I will be the fist of revenge, boldly speaking out for my dead father. Long may Crew Cat Live!"

The Nutmeg News will have more when Son Of Crew Cat has fun storming the castle.