Player Blog Calls For Supporters To Bench Under-performing Drummers And Move To A Diamond Formation

Des Moines, IA - A new blog entry from Jason Howard, a midfielder for Des Moines City United FC, called for a number of severe changes for the supporters group in the stands after a disappointing performance by the fans lead to players and coaches of the team questioning their abilities.

“Ok, let’s sit down and diagram this out. The fans should line up in a 4-4-2, or possibly a 4-3-3 given that we can’t rely on Dave there to show up to the game on time and Steve’s got to cover him by holding up the flag.”

“Ok, let’s sit down and diagram this out. The fans should line up in a 4-4-2, or possibly a 4-3-3 given that we can’t rely on Dave there to show up to the game on time and Steve’s got to cover him by holding up the flag.”

“We know that the supporters had a decent season last year,” stated Howard on his blog CityUnitedFCIA.com, “But this season they are clearly in need of some new acquisitions and new blood as their efforts in the stand are simply not adequate.”

Howard detailed the faults of drummers Juan Vargas and Cassie Evans as he called them out for their poor first touch, lack of rhythm and inability to keep a proper tempo for the game.

“The fact about their performance is that it is something that would end up with them being benched or fired in any normal job like our own,” stated Howard. “If I have a bad day I don’t just get to shrug it off, claim I smoked too much weed before I got in the stands and then ask my Uber to go to the drive through at the Taco Bell on the way home. No, I would lose my job for that. The simple fact is that if you are unable to keep up with the pace of the game you should understand that there is someone else willing to do so. The inability of the leaders of the supporters group to find a backup for the drummers only shows their lack of scouting and their lack of effort at acquiring new talent.”

Howard also took the supporters group to task for their formation as he indicated that perhaps the current lack of results in the stands was down to the inability of the group to tactically innovate.

“The reality is that other groups will figure out your tactics in the long run,” stated Howard. “They should consider whether the supporters should move to a diamond formation that would narrow the compaction in the stands and force the walking vendors to the outside. It would require a better effort than we’ve seen from the capos, however.”

Howard closed out his article by indicating that if the supporters group was serious about righting the ship for the 2019 season that they would need to show some heart and effort in the upcoming games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard starts a podcast called The Crowd Report where he calls out the fans for being under-performing except for Chad who is just a rock star as usual and will have make the hall of fame for his efforts.

New Red Bull Blog Analyzes The Tactics, Personnel, And Moves That Made The 2019 Home Opener Not Sell Out

NEW YORK - A new Red Bull New York fan blog started this week with the proclamation that Red Bull Crowd Report will analyze the tactics, personnel and moves that made the 2019 home opener not sell out.

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With the stated ethos of, “relentlessly over-analyzing things that have been discussed over and over and over again that fans can’t fix anyway,” Red Bull Crowd Report started with an open letter to the front office in Austria dictating the issues that Red Bull Crowd Report felt it wasn’t addressing.

Starting with an opening line of, “AS A NEW SEASON TICKET HOLDER I FEEL THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING MORE,” the letter/blog post veered off into a rant about a number of different and entirely unconnected issues that eventually culminated with a 10 page detailed example of what it might take to get from Staten Island to work to home to take the dog for a walk and then dinner and then out to Red Bull Arena on a Wednesday evening in June if all the trains are completely broken, delayed or filled with Nepalese pan pipe and drum groups dispassionately stating, "Ladies and gentleman, thank you immensely. We hope you're having a good day and are in good spirits,“ after the doors close and you can’t get out.

“I felt like it was truly time to analyze all the reasons why this game didn’t sell out,” stated editor in chief, reporter, fact checker and ombudsman Damien Howard to The Nutmeg News. “We need to talk about crowd sizes, crowd control, and fan based initiatives that will cause the stadium to sell out.”

Howard stated that he truly believes that one of the reasons for the lack of sellouts at Red Bull Arena is the fault of the loyal fans who go every week as he castigated the entire community for not getting more people on board with the team.

“This is really a fault of all of us, and not just one person in general,” stated Howard on blog post #2 titled WHAT CAN WE DO TO FIX THIS SITUATION.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard receives a ban from Metrofanatic for frequently posting links to his blog posts in an effort to get actual readers.

MLS Announces Miami Team Will Hire Ray Hudson As Head Coach, Play At Lockhart Stadium, And Acquire Carlos Valderrama As First DP

MIAM - Major League Soccer officials in Miami announced today that the nascent franchise will hire soccer commentator Ray Hudson as its first head coach. The team also announced the they will play at least two season at Lockhart Stadium and that their first designated player would be Colombian international Carlos Valderrama.

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”We are excited for the upcoming seasons at Lockhart Stadium,” stated Miami spokesperson David Beckham. “MLS is always interested in breaking the mold and this exciting partnership is something that hasn’t been done before in the history of the league.”

Insiders with Major League Soccer state that they are excited to break new ground in the league.

“MIAMI. MLS. LOCKHART! NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE,” stated one email that was sent in all caps. “THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT! THIS CANT FAIL. WE ARE BIGGER THAN JESUS. GOD, PUMP THIS FEELING INTO MY VEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNS.”

The 57 year old Valderrama will be moving from a moderately successful season with the Colorado Rapids who will trade their rights to Miami in a fusion trade that nets them $10 and a option to bow out of Superdrafts in the future.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS Miami acquires Nick Rimando and Jeff Cassar as goalkeepers.

UCLA Soccer Recruits Prepare For Upcoming Season By First Learning Basic Rules To Soccer

LOS ANGELES - UCLA Soccer recruits began their preparation for the upcoming NCAA fall soccer season by first learning the basic rules of the game they were recruited to play.

You all know the rules so just mill about on your parents money, keep your racist comments to your friends, and don’t kill anyone until you run for the Senate in 20 years.

You all know the rules so just mill about on your parents money, keep your racist comments to your friends, and don’t kill anyone until you run for the Senate in 20 years.

“How many people are on a team,” asked blue chip recruit Braden Davis to his coach Jorge Salcedo.

“Is there a lot of running or…… you know… not?” asked high school standout Aiden Reynolds.

Salcedo was encouraged by the amount of players taking their off-season preparation so seriously as he gave out “Soccer for Dummies” books to all new recruits for the 2019 season.

“I think we are really going to see an great season,” stated Salcedo from the window of his Tesla X-Model car. “I really think that Braden, Aiden, Jaden, Kaden, Caiden, Cayden, Caden, Caedon, and Hayden will have a fantastic impact on our team.”

For their part, the new defensive recruits for UCLA stated that they were all working on playing monthly games of FIFA online in an attempt to figure out what they would be doing soon.

“It can’t be that hard,” stated Payton Andrews III. “Look, you hit the boost button, slide tackle and some shit happens now pass me that bowl 420lyfefordays.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as transferring player Jose Gutierrez tries to field two separate calls about his student loans and eligibility.


Soccer Fan Enrolls In Night School In Order To Figure Out How To Watch MLS Games

WASHINGTON - 52 year old D.C. United fan James Reynolds enrolled in night school with a course load of technology classes in order to figure out how to watch D.C. United games this season as his first attempt at streaming MLS games failed miserably.

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“I just want to watch soccer. Why the hell is this so hard?” stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News.

Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that local streaming deals like D.C. United and F.C. Cincinnati are going to become the norm as the league works on ensuring that no one can see any match unless they’ve paid money to do so.

“We are committed to creating an environment of scarcity,” stated one league source. “We are going to work with providers to make it as hard as possible to watch a game for anyone in order to make certain that we are driving viewing numbers by ensuring that no one can watch unless they have an advanced degree in network engineering.”

Reynolds is starting classes with a local community college next week with an emphasis on understanding the OSI and TCP./IP model and modern computing standards such as American Online as he stated, “I thought I would just be able to click and watch but apparently I’m going to need to finish this two year degree first.”

According to his son Tyson, Reynolds is, “so dumb,” for not just running a VPN and getting around the blackouts illegally. However, for their part, the league stated that it would consider it a violation of the terms and services if fans of teams in Major League Soccer try to watch games this way.

“We will not allow fans of teams to watch games in which their team plays,” stated MLS President Mark Abbott. “If you haven’t paid for a subscription service to a third party to watch 10 games a year and another subscription to another broadcaster to watch nationally televised games and purchased some kind of device to stream CCL games to your television from your phone then you aren’t a real fan. It should be reasonable for casual soccer fans to have an understanding of running KDE on virtualbox underneath their Windows 10 work laptop environment so they can use a paid VPN which allows them to stream an MLS game from a provider they pay monthly for blocked local games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer solidifies the growing stature of the league by ensuring that no one can actually watch televised or streamed versions of the Saturday games.

American Casual Excited For Brexit Vote As He Plans Future Fred Perry Purchasing Spree

NEW YORK - Local soccer casual Rahim Asfour stated that he is excited for the upcoming vote on Brexit today and over the next 17 days as he plans a future Fred Perry purchasing spree once England’s economy goes to shit and the prices collapse.

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“I’m going to absolutely CLEAN UP,” stated Asfour to our reporter. “I’m already tracking airline prices and I’m building a spreadsheet for how I’m going to buy all the best clobber in London when everything goes to shit.”

Asfour said that he doesn’t specifically support any one English club, but that he looks forward to attending games at a cut rate price if the exchange rate finally goes in his favor.

“There was a time when you couldn’t even get into a game for less than 2 to 1 exchange prices,” stated Asfour. “But when Brexit hits, I’m going to go over and get into The Emirates, Old Trafford and Anfield on a Groupon price level. I’m going to have individual gear for each game. It’s going to be legit. At these rates, I’ll probably be able to rent a flat somewhere and just live off of a few dollars a week. It’s going to be legit, I can’t wait.”

Asfour stated that he’s planning on bringing over duffel bags to transport home all the best casual gear that he can get from Fred Perry, Stone Island and Ellesse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Asfour realizes that he can’t afford to make a trip to England anymore due to declining wages and plummeting job prospects in his own country.

Atlanta United Fan Wants To Know Why New Mexico United Article Doesn't Mention Atlanta United

Atlanta, GA - According to the internet, Atlanta United fan Ben Cresswell spent most of his Monday repeatedly asking writers and fans on Facebook and Twitter why the recent article about the upcoming game between New Mexico United and Phoenix Rising doesn’t mention Atlanta United.

“ok, that’s great, but …….. what about Atlanta?”

“ok, that’s great, but …….. what about Atlanta?”

“Where’s Atlanta in all this,” stated Cresswell through his Twitter account @GresselIsGodMode to the official USL Championship account. “You can’t write about New Mexico United and any new team in the USL without a mention to the team that started the whole thing off in Major League Soccer.”

As he relentlessly harangued accounts on all of his registered social media platforms, Cresswell reached out to friends and fellow fans to help him shine a light on the inequitable coverage being shown to his team.

“We cannot let this injustice stand,” ranted Cresswell through his blog and podcast on Atlanta United. “We must demand equal coverage on items pertaining to new teams, United teams and any soccer team in North America.”

For his part, Cresswell went back online to find another article about the recent 1-1 draw in Albuquerque to ask, “What about Atlanta?” According to fellow fans, Cresswell also reached out about recent articles on KOAT news, the Albuquerque Journal, and KRQE News 13, as well as blogs that dared to mention the new USL side without crediting MLS 3.0 to the league champions and discussing their impact on and off the field.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cresswell reaches out to the blog of a AYSO parent to ask them to rightfully credit Atlanta United as the genesis of interesting that program.


Fans Get A Blissful Early Release As Season Already Over For Vancouver, San Jose, And Philadelphia

MLS - With the season already over for Vancouver, San Jose, and Philadelphia, the fans of these teams were reportedly elated as they set around to enjoy their spring and summer without the encumbering weight of worrying about results.

“I’m OUT! No more Union games for THIS GUY!”

“I’m OUT! No more Union games for THIS GUY!”

“I was excited for Whitecaps season, but now I’m just excited for mountain-bike season,” stated Whitecaps fan Susan Phạm. “With the season already over after two games, I can finally focus on myself for a year and work on my bike handling skills on the North Shore trails.”

After two games of ritualistic battle, all three of these team finished their season with two straight losses thus proving to their fans that everything is over, the season is at an end and they might as well pack it in.

“I’ve got nothing else to lose so I’m now just winning all the time,” stated Earthquakes fan Dave Hughes. “This is my time to shine. I’m going to get into a fitness program and work out instead of watching the games every weekend. With the money I save on beer and tickets I’m taking a vacation to Cozumel.”

Some Philadelphia fans stated that they would turn their burning intensity towards spring training and the annual disappointment of the Phillies as others turned their focus towards building an intense fantasy board game that revolves around Gritty taking down the patriarchy as a level 99 Palladin.

“Gritty can not be over encumbered due to his size, and he wields a double headed blessed sacred battle axe or something,” stated Game Master Isaac Henderson. “He’s going to take down the fascists one incel at a time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans find a second wind on life except for Paul Williams of Surrey, BC who just spends most of the week stewing over all this shit.

Major League Soccer Exploring 246 New Player Acquisition And Salary Rules That Will Close CCL Gap By The Year 2945

NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) state that the league board of governors is exploring 246 new player acquisition and salary rules that will close the CONCACAF Champions League gap between MLS and Liga MX by the year 2945.

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“They are confident that by including these rules in a phased approach over the next 900 years or so that they will eventually get to a point where the teams can compete,” stated one anonymous insider.

Rules to be implemented vary from increasing the overall minimum salary by .05% to instituting a discount buy on all players with an A on their name to allowing any player that leads any league in goals scored to occupy a free roster spot.

“They are really coming up with some amazing ideas in direct contradiction to some of the previously established rules,” stated our source.

One leaked enhancement is the inclusion of WHAM!, an element of TAM in which you spend $1,000 on a vinyl copy of Fantastic and receive a salary decrease of any player on your roster by 1/3rd if you file this on the second Monday of the fourth day of the month of April in the year 2023, but only if you pre-apply every year up until that time with the office of the official player development and lottery funds initiative and only if you already have $150,000 in TAM, $200,000 in GAM and an international roster spot.

“It’s going to make all the people who cover the league have a freak out, but MLS is hoping that the institution of all these rules will really tip the balance somewhere around the turn of the next millennia,” stated our source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league institutes a two-for-one night with free appetizer to all teams that apply for players with an M in their name during the month of may as long as that player is also registered for their USL team affiliate.

Atlanta United Fan Panics As Team Equals Worst Start To Season In Team History

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Geoff Robertson was reportedly in a complete panic, on Wednesday, as Atlanta United equaled their worst ever start in team history by losing the first game of the season.

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“I don’t know how we go forward from here,” stated Robertson to our reporter. “This isn’t just a freak out, ok? They only went and equaled THE WORST START TO THE SEASON, EVER.”

In the three year history of Atlanta United, the team started each of their seasons by losing the first game of the year before going on to have a successful season, make the playoffs and in 2019 they went on to win MLS cup. Despite this recent history, Mr. Robertson was still worried about what would happen in 2019 as he spun out of control.

“This is all the fault of TATA leaving us,” moaned Robertson on his Twitter handle @MattRyan1qbfan16. “This de Boer guy is clearly out of his level. He doesn’t have the experience. We are going to be lucky to make the playoffs at this rate.”

Robertson illustrated the predicament that Atlanta United find themselves in as he tweeted a graph that shows United are currently on pace to finish the season out of the playoffs with zero points and concede 68 goals on the year.

“This is setting itself up to be the worst season in the three season history of this team,” ranted Robertson to his Facebook page. “We never should’ve sold Almiron and let Tata go and we should’ve just bought more players and won it again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Robertson attempts to crowdfund a “de Boer Out” banner to fly over the Mercedes Benz Stadium.

Team Insider Who Started As Outsider Still Pretending To Be Outsider

LOS ANGELES - LAFC writer Steven Anderson posted a clarification to his Twitter account @LAFC_UnofficialSource that he is still an outsider just like everyone else despite being employed by the team for the past year as an insider.

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“I’m just a man writing about the team like everyone else,” stated Anderson who regularly receives updates from official channels as to the status of the team and advanced information on acquisitions. “I started as a fan of soccer, and I’m still a fan of soccer. The haters are just haters and I’m going to ignore them.”

Other LAFC fans recently called out Anderson for being a mouthpiece for the organization, however Anderson hit back stating that they were, “not true,” despite him actually being employed as a mouthpiece for the organization.

“This is just factually wrong, they don’t pay me to say certain things, I’m just a regular fan who gets paid by the team to write about the team on subjects that they pick, but I’m still an outsider.”

LAFC fan Robert Rivera stated that he doesn’t hate Anderson for his new gig, but that he noticed an uptick in the number of relentlessly positive pieces about the team regardless of any context or issue.

“Look, I’d be more accepting of this if he’d stop pretending to just be a fan,” stated Rivera to our reporter. “He’s paid by the team. He’s not an independent fan anymore., despite the way he pretends”

For his part, Anderson stated that he is like anyone else from his position as the co-commentator on an official LAFC podcast that will debut in the Spring.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson writes about the culture of the supporters groups despite being the press-box for the past 2 years.

Veteran Supporter Really Pretending To Care This Year

NEW YORK - Veteran Red Bull New York and Metrostars supporter Enrique Hernandez showed his commitment to really pretending to care this year by listening to new Red Bull fan Josh Davis rant about how excited he is for the upcoming season.

“If I duck down under the level of the outside wall he might not see me.”

“If I duck down under the level of the outside wall he might not see me.”

"OMG THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD,.” spewed Davis to Hernandez in the corridor between their cubicles and the men’s restroom.

“I’M SO EXCITED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER RED BULLS FAN HERE. AT MY LAST JOB THERE WEREN’T ANY SOCCER FANS. I FINALLY GOT SEASON TICKETS THIS YEAR. DID YOU WATCH THE PRESEASON GAMES? THE PRESEASON GAMES WERE AMAZING! WE MADE IT TO PLAY OFFS, RIGHT, IT WAS AMAZING. WE TOTALLY HAVE A CHANCE! WHERE ARE YOU WATCHING THE GAME NEXT WEEK,” shouted Davis as Hernandez let himself into the key-card accessed server room to which Davis does not have access.

A fan of the team since 1996, Hernandez recently went through a passionless season where he felt numb and disengaged most of the year despite mostly positive results by the team. He confided to other close friends that he even considered giving up his season tickets before he figured out a way to continue enjoying the matches by scaling back his social media presence and enjoying things as they happen.

According to statements made later that day, Hernandez was, “Yeah, um.. super excited for the season,” as he filled up his coffee and asked what the temperature outside was in a monotone voice.

"Should be a fun year, I guess. We are totally going to win the league or something,” sighed Hernandez to Mr Davis. “This is my 23rd year supporting the team and i’m sooooooooooo toooootally as excited as i was in year one, man."

According to fellow coworkers, Mr Davis spent most of Tuesday trying to set up a watch party between the two of them for the next away game before asking Mr. Hernandez where his season tickets are in the stadium and, “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAKES THOSE BIG BANNER THINGS THAT THE FANS HAVE BECAUSE I HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez actively avoids Davis when he sees him at a concessions stand in Red Bull Arena.

Don Garber Promises Safe Space For Neo-Nazis And Gang Members

WASHINGTON - In recent comments to Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News reporter Jonathan Tannenwald, Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber promised a safe space and refuge for Neo-Nazis, gang members and white supremacists as he stated that the league wasn’t interested in the beliefs of the person but rather just the wallet and money that individual possesses.

“The last thing this league is going to do is start getting into profiling who people are and what their backgrounds are,” stated Commissioner Garber when asked about Neo-Nazis, racists and violent individuals who patronized New York City FC games over the past few years. “We don’t care if the person is yelling anti-semitic slurs, threatening fellow fans and throwing up Nazi salutes as long as they are doing so outside or slightly adjacent to the stadium or even maybe inside but out of sight of any of our monitors. There are good people on both sides of the Neo-Nazis who want to hurt people and people who don’t like Nazis debate. As they say, if the check clears then you may appear and we are completely fine with that.”

Commissioner Garber stated that this philosophy does not extend to smoke or flares outside the stadium as he stated, “Smoke and flares are still not OK outside the stadium. Look, we aren’t going to judge you if you are a Nazi or believe in the Nazi beliefs because those are your own beliefs, but if you light a flare, a smoke bomb or even an un-permitted grill within SNIFFING distance of an MLS stadium we will ban you from the grounds in perpetuity.”

When asked about the continual efforts at eliminating anti-fascist statements and banners in MLS crowds, Commissioner Garber stated that he refuses to judge people for their convictions as long as they exalt the league above the individual.

“We believe in a centralized autocratic government headed by a supreme leader with severe economic and social regimentation. If there’s any kind of opposition to this we reserve the right to engage in forcible suppression.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber announces a anti-anti-fascists night at NYCFC games.

Area Man Ready To Argue Nuances Of MLS Rules He Doesn't Understand

Seattle, WA - Area man David Williams announced on Twitter that he was ready to argue the nuances of player acquisition and retention rules in Major League Soccer despite only having a vague understanding of the rules in place.

“I’m not about to let my lack of knowledge stop me from offering an opinion”

“I’m not about to let my lack of knowledge stop me from offering an opinion”

“The Galaxy are going to be in …. violation…. I think…..,” stated Williams to his Twitter account on Friday. “They should be punished somehow if there’s a mechanism for punishment, or if there isn’t than they shouldn’t be, but maybe they should be anyway in some way if everyone allows that from um…. forthwith… and… um… in perpetuity…. ipso facto.”

Williams was reportedly incensed by the insinuation that the Los Angeles Galaxy might be bending the rules in MLS by keeping four designated players as he stated, “I’m pretty sure that’s unfair,” before he attempted to google the MLS competition rules for 2019.

“As soon as I skim these first few pages I plan on starting a Twitter thread that really is going to sock it to some team or person if I can understand exactly what is going on or maybe not,” muttered Williams to himself as he downloaded the incorrect manual from 2015.

“So they should deduct um, TAM/GAM if the TAM is aged over 10 years in a cherry wood wine barrell? That can’t be right,” stated Williams as he attempted to decipher whatever the hell it is that the league calls the rules these days.

According to his Twitter feed, Williams is not the only person lashing about like an octopus with a ripped tentacle as he reflexively labled the league or maybe the front office or maybe the disciplinary panel or maybe the commissioner or maybe the league reporters and coverage as cheats and swindlers unless maybe they aren’t because there’s some kind of spreadsheet thing that makes sense and ok, whatever they are still cheats or not.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league considers more rules to cover the rules to cover the rules to cover the rules that someone else is breaking but not really because the rules are all made up anyway.

Don Garber Torn Between Relief, Envy Over News Media Identifying Robert Kraft As NFL Owner

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber was, reportedly, torn between relief and envy after the national news media spent the entirety of Friday identifying Robert Kraft as an N.F.L. owner.

“He did what now?”

“He did what now?”

According to insider sources, Garber was conflicted with the dueling emtions as his desire for the league to have a larger profile in the national news was tempered by the actual story being reported.

“If this was any other story I’d consider this lack of market penetration a real concern,” stated Garber to associates as the headquarters of Major League Soccer. “Then again, look at all the publicity the N.F.L. is getting. There are a lot of eyeballs on this!”

Sources indicate that Garber spent most of Friday attempting to find out if there are any other league owners that will be caught up in this prostitution scandal and whether they would be identified as M.L.S. owners.

“Our initial thought was what if someone like Stan Kroenke was caught up in this,” stated one league insider. “Are they going to report that as Arsenal’s Stan Kroenke or LA Rams Stan Kroenke or maybe just Billionaire Stan Kroenke paid hookers at a massage parlor. We’d like to think that there’s a chance the Denver Post would go with Rapids Stan Kroenke but maybe it would be better if they didn’t.”

With Garber still fluctuating between his feelings on the matter, the league preemptively reached out to the ownership groups that make up the board of directors of M.L.S. to ask them to inform their own public relations experts that if they are caught in a sex or prostitute scandal that their press release should read Major League Soccer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber considers whether the fact that Kraft is identified as more of an N.F.L. owner absolves him of having to punish him for these kinds of activities.

Soccer Fans Demand "Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting" Headlines

Boston, MA - Soccer fans across New England and the United States were reportedly upset that the mainstream media shunned Major League Soccer (MLS) and the New England Revolution in their reporting of the Robert Kraft paying a sex slave for sexual favors at a faux massage parlor in Florida story.

How about New England REVOLUTION  owner Robert Kraft accused of soliciting sex, police say. How about THAT?

How about New England REVOLUTION owner Robert Kraft accused of soliciting sex, police say. How about THAT?

“Soccer will never be big in this country until the headline is Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting,” stated soccer fan Jonny English.

“We can’t call ourselves the fourth most popular sport in the country if our owners are identified by the news media as N.F.L owner paying for sexual favors with Chinese women held in horrifying situations,” stated Revolution fan Deborah Evans.

Fans across the United States reached out to the local twitter accounts of their news stations to correct them on their headlines as they begged them to include the New England Revolution in the mix.

“Shouldn’t the headline read M.L.S. Sex Pest?” asked Howard Lispcott of Providence.

“MLS is growing! You should include it in the headline! Kraft owns the Revolution as well!” stated @starb00ty323232 to the New York Times.

“What about soccer! It’s the fastest growing sport among the youth,” stated @ThickNugs97202 to the Oregonian about their headline of Patriots owner Robert Kraft not even 'the biggest name’ involved in Florida prostitution sting.

With fans in an uproar, newsrooms indicate that there isn’t enough interest in the league, yet, to sustain a New England Revolution Owner Accused Of Soliciting Sex headline.

“If fans want to see more coverage of their ownership groups as it relates to spending time with sex slaves at a Florida massage parlor they will need to encourage more of their ownership groups to be caught paying for sexual favors. The demand needs to be there if we are going to identify them as such,” stated Editor Zach Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fans remain upset at the lack of representation for their miscreants in the press.

Amazing! This Jerk On Twitter Is Actually A Jerk In Real Life, Too!

INTERNET - Friends of @Sccrzwars2kxx stated that they were astounded to find that the vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent Twitter account was actually run by a vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent person in real life.

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“They say never meet your heroes,” stated Billy Yaver who met @sccrzwars2kxx (Dan Williams) at a local Red Robin while he was in the area. “But in this case I can tell you that whatever you think about Dan online is probably not even close to how much of an asshole he is in real life.”

Defenders of Mr. Williams state that he is just a purposeful troll exposing the deep complexities and problems of the state of soccer in the United States,.

“Look @Sccerwars2kxx may be abrasive, but he has a point,” stated @YancyThigpenDanceOff who admitted he never met Mr. Williams in real life. “I’m sure he’s just a normal man like me who has an internet persona, and I’d be happy to meet him.”

“It’s the INTERNET,” stated Sam “@billbobthwartin” Dingle. “You can’t take what people say online as being serious. It’s the internet, for the lulz.”

Despite these statements, Mr. Yaver stated that @sccrwars2kxx was just as much an asshole in person as he is on the internet.

“He doesn’t tip service people and the guy was extremely rude to the waitress that served us. I literally watched him tweet to Red Robin corporate about how terrible she was because she didn’t bring over the season salt fast enough. What a dick. And somehow he followed up this behavior by tweeting directly at Kyle Martino about that, ‘being enough salt for you yet.’ I don’t even know what that means?!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people excuse @Sccrzwars2kxx behavior on the basis of him being a needed spokesman on important issues that no one will address and after all, it’s the internet N00b.

Toronto Fan's Sense Of Despair In Mid-Season Form

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) fan Georgie Hall’s sense of despair is in mid-season form as the club lost their first game of the season 4-0 to Panamanian side Independiente in the CONCACAF Champions League.

 (ARNULFO FRANCO / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS)

 (ARNULFO FRANCO / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS)

“We are absolutely doomed,” stated Hall to her TFC Discord chat after TFC gave up the first goal of the game. “If this is our bench and our starters we are just absolutely doomed.”

Hall was previously apprehensive about the season starting with the lack of proven players on the team, the loss of Giovinco, and the seeming inability of the club to find competent players that weren’t completely hamstrung with injury.

“Sure, this team will be better when players like Altidore get back, but we are just absolutely doomed,” ranted Hall to the universe on her Twitter account. “This game was like starting the season on the road for 10 games and losing nearly all of them and we should just get to the MLS All-Star picks so I know the season can be over.”

With her despair in mid-season form, Hall stated that she just, “needed a break,” and turned off the stream after the third goal went in. Reportedly, Hall turned the stream back on just in time to catch the end of the game where she stated, “that’s what I expected,” and turned the game off again in order to get some sleep.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hall attempts to find some hope with the young players on the bench before realizing that theoretical players of the future do nothing to salvage a loss that just happened.


Sky Blue F.C. Announce Running Water For All Players

Piscataway, NJ - Despite missing their 30 day deadline for improving the club, Sky Blue F.C. announced a new benefit for all new and returning players as they indicated a new option for running water at the club.

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“We are progressing into the new millennia,” stated Sky Blue F.C. public relations officer, kit manager, marketing director, ticket sales manager, twitter supervisor, and custodian Janet Evans. “Today we can announce that all returning and new players will have access to running water.”

According to insiders, last season Sky Blue just told players to ingest water via absorption of the atmosphere or gathering rain, with players setting up a community rain barrel on the corner of the practice field.

However, as part of their effort at revamping the club, Sky Blue took the suggestions of “Should have water,” seriously and made this a new part of their recruiting efforts for 2019.

“We hooked up an extension to a water hose across the field,” stated Ms Evans. “And it’s very crisp and very cold! We want to announce to all players that they should come play for Sky Blue and see our community garden hose! It’s the way of the future.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sky Blue F.C. administrative staff petition to owner and New Jersey Governor Philip D. Murphy about a crimped hose only to receive a return message of, “who is this?”