This Brave Fan Is Thinking About Giving The Finger At A Soccer Game, This Weekend

Vancouver, BC - Brave Whitecaps fan Thor Siggurdson admitted that he is pondering the idea of giving the finger at a soccer game, this weekend, as the Caps take on the New England Revolution at BC Place.

 "Maybe I should.............. but........ Maybe I also......... shouldn't?"

"Maybe I should.............. but........ Maybe I also......... shouldn't?"

"I've been thinking about it for some time," stated Siggurdson to The Nutmeg News. "I think it's been a long time coming."

Reportedly, Siggurdson isn't entirely certain what his target will be for his unrepentant act of petulance as he stated, "I've drawn up a pros and cons list of the kind of people that I'm going to tell, non-verbally, to go fuck themselves. Suffice it to say that it isn't just limited to the away team."

Friends indicate that the frustrated Caps fan may even aim this bazooka of expression at his own team as he prepares to let loose a volcano of emotion in the stands.

"I'll be ready to go by game time, but I'm pretty certain that the time is right for this," rambled Siggurdson into his beer.

The Nutmeg News will have more as this brave man takes non-verbal dissent to a new level.

Fox Announcers To Call World Cup Games From Footage Of 2002 World Cup

NEW YORK - Fox's World Cup executive producer David Neal told The Nutmeg News, on Wednesday, that not only would the 2018 World Cup Announcers be located in Los Angeles (instead of travelling to the games in Russia), but that they would also be calling games utilizing footage from the 2002 World Cup.

 "Member when everything was better in your life because you don't really remember how it was back then?"

"Member when everything was better in your life because you don't really remember how it was back then?"

"We want to ensure that Americans are invested in this World Cup," stated Neal to The Nutmeg News. "It's important for people in the United States to know that America is still in the World Cup and that a spry Landon Donovan is running around on the fields of Korea and Japan."

Neal indicated that the decision for this came from the simple fact that Fox knows white Americans are absolutely bathing in toxic nostalgia as they long for a time that never existed and a place that never was.

"What better way to forget that we didn't make the 2018 World Cup than hearkening back to a time when all the players were young, patriotic Americans and not foreigners,," stated Neal to The Nutmeg News. "Member when the United States was in the World Cup and racism was solved? Fox does."

"We, with Fox, understand that white America is terrified of this new world in which we are living. As such, we decided that calling games from the 2002 World Cup would make our viewers feel comfortable and safe, like America beating Mexico in the knockout stages in a tournament that ultimately showed we should have a big giant wall on the border. Trust us, this is all a lot easier than asking hard questions about what happened and trying to resolve these issues."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fox decides to make Mexico v USA the championship game and awards the 2002 World Cup to the United States.

"None Of The 16 Teams That Surround Me Are Authentic Enough For MY Support"

WASHINGTON - Dave Wilson, soccer fan and seeker of only authentic experiences, stated to his Twitter page, "None of the 16 teams that surround me are authentic enough for MY support," as he intentionally avoided supporting or watching any US based soccer for the 10th year in a row.

 "Come back to me in 120 years when you gain a smidgen of authenticity, shitlords."

"Come back to me in 120 years when you gain a smidgen of authenticity, shitlords."

Wilson reportedly passed on a variety of teams that surround him for every reason possible as he stated, "There's not one authentic club in this country," for the 16,000th time.

He reportedly refused to support DC United, the Philadelphia Union or either of the New York teams as he repeatedly called MLS Clubs, "despotic franchises run by a cartel of men determined to destroy the inauthentic soccer culture we have in the USA."

He also reportedly would not attend or support any local NWSL team such as Sky Blue FC or the Washington Spirit as he stated, "Women's soccer isn't authentic. Their teams have only been around for 2 years and no one cares." 

Wilson also derided USL teams such as the Richmond Kickers, Penn FC, or Bethlehem Steel FC as, "clubs without history and plastic supporters who sit around waiting for another team to be formed who can pay the franchise fee and do nothing to fix US Soccer."

Wilson also derided the PDL teams such as the Long Island Rough Riders, Ocean City Nor'easters, Jersey Express S.C. and Lehigh Valley United as being, "Unwatchable dreck full of terrible players and tactics without a shred of history therein."

Wilson saved his harshest words for the NPSL as he called teams like FC Frederick, Fredericksburg FC and Virginia Beach City FC, "Loathsome in effect and utterly lacking in any substance at all. The second least authentic teams in the world to any MLS fan who should be taken out back and executed right now."

Wilson concluded his remarks on Twitter by saying that US Soccer was broken and he would support no team in the United States that didn't have 120 years of history and some kind of relegation battle like his favorite actual authentic club Manchester City.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilson turns down free US Open Cup tickets as he derides the tournament as, "lacking any relevance on a global scale."

 

 

Major League Soccer Is About To Introduce, "WTF," A New Pool Of Money For, "Whatever"

NEW YORK - Insiders with Major League Soccer indicate that the league will soon introduce, "WTF," an acronym that stands for "Whatever The Fuck," which will be a new pool of money for, "Whatever the fuck you want to spend it on that might increase the profile of the league in some small way."

tam.jpg

WTF money will join YTF, TAM, GAM, DP, Young DP, Heineken DP GAM TAM journeyman players, Uruguayan International funding deposits, the Landon Donovan Human Fund, MTMLS (Messi to MLS), GMA, PDA, PDF, TTL, and WLAFCWUTNSTCITL (Whatever LA FC Wants Until The Next Sexy Team Comes Into The League) as financial mechanisms.

Teams are, reportedly, lining up to utilize the new mechanism with Atlanta United already announcing that it procured 2.8 million dollars from DC United in WTF spending to fly players from the stadium pre-game meal to the walk in to the stadium instead of bussing them there.

Meanwhile, sources with LA Galaxy announce that they are using their WTF money to offer a contract extension to Pete Vagenas.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as teams figure out more interesting ways to spend their WTF money.

 

NISA In Relegation Battle As Wilt Departs

CHICAGO - With co-founder Peter Wilt leaving the organization, it finally appears that the National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) is well and truly in a relegation battle as the fledgling league attempts to avoid dropping even further in the US Soccer pyramid.

 The arrows indicate the trajectory of the league as they teter on the brink of relegation.

The arrows indicate the trajectory of the league as they teter on the brink of relegation.

“When you don’t start right, and don’t get the grip of it, then you end up in trouble,” stated NISA co-founder Jack Cummins. "Emotions are up and down after a tough afternoon. I feel for everybody connected with the league."

After a barnstorming start that seemed to indicate their ability to survive and thrive in the upper divisions of the Soccer pyramid, the NISA started to suffer a number of public defeats that rattled the confidence of the players. Eventually the league slumped into a relegation position, unable to find a way out of their predicament.

"Peter leaving means that there are other opportunities to step up," stated one NISA insider who was the only person answering any phones on Thursday morning. "We fully anticipate eventually being able to change the past tense language on our website after we gain promotion from defunct league to possible league in a few years. Our promotion party will be amazing, probably."

 "WAS and PLANNED? Not a good look, everyone."

"WAS and PLANNED? Not a good look, everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans attempt to figure out if balloon payments will hinder the NISA from trying to gain promotion.

Brave Woman Still Supporting Team After Breakup

Salt Lake City, UT - Shocked people who knew very little of the situation admitted that they were able to report that Alyssa Donahue is still attending games and supporting Real Salt Lake (RSL) after her breakup with RSL superfan David Edwards.

 "I tried to suggest this title to her, but she just mumbled something about a regista. Is that a kind of italian car?"

"I tried to suggest this title to her, but she just mumbled something about a regista. Is that a kind of italian car?"

"We thought that she wouldn't be coming anymore," stated Gladys Williams of Orem. "Dave was always the soccer fan. I heard from a guy that my best friend knows who is a season ticket holder that sits kinda close a friend of Dave that he practically had to drag her to the games the first time."

We spoke to the former boyfriend of Ms. Donahue who stated, "It's fine. I don't care if she comes or not. It's not a thing, you know? Trust me, It's not. Did she say it's a thing? It isn't. It's definitely NOT a thing. Ok! Look, I can get up late again, now. And I can drink at the game, and I've got these prospects, now. So yeah, it's not a thing at all. Not at all. No thing here."

For her part, Ms. Donahue indicates that her lifelong passion for the game meant that she didn't consider a boyfriend to be an part of her experience with RSL as she bravely lied to all of us stating, "I don't need a man to enjoy soccer. It'll probably be easier to watch the game now without him distracting me with his incessant and incorrect statements about the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Donahue is told, "Good for you, still coming to the games," for the 23rd time.

Sports Fan Still Waiting For United States World Cup Roster

NEW YORK - Sports fan and every four year soccer enthusiast Derry Holmes stated that he is still waiting for the roster from the United States for the upcoming 2018 World Cup as he perused the back pages of Sports Illustrated for any soccer news that would tell him the players to watch during the tournament.

 THE WORLD CUP IS THE BEST BECAUSE I CAN TELL ALL THESE OTHER COUNTRIES HOW SHIT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE WORLD CUP IS THE BEST BECAUSE I CAN TELL ALL THESE OTHER COUNTRIES HOW SHIT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It's weird that I haven't seen anything, but I didn't really care until now," stated Holmes to The Nutmeg News. "Usually by now everyone would be talking about controversy or who should make the roster or if the United States is going to win this year, but I haven't seen any of that."

According to friends, Holmes only cares about the jingoistic fun of rooting for his home country over every other nation in the world as he shows up to bars in full soccer cos-play mode dressed as George Washington and gets people to buy him patriotic themed drinks.

"This is the best time of the year," stated Holmes. "We get to have a party and watch some true freedom get dropped on these shithole countries. USA - USA - USA - USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - 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USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA -USA - USA - USA!

 

But yeah, for real, USA FOR REAL, BRO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Holmes uses twitter to blame antifa for the inability of the country to make the World Cup.

Nestlé Announces Major Profits In Michigan And Ohio Salt Industry As Vitriol Between USOC Sides Ramps Up

Vevey, Vaud, Switzerland - International conglomerate Nestlé announced that a move into Michigan and Ohio generated a massive return on investment after copious amounts of salt from FC Cincinnati fans and Detroit City FC fans began to pile up in the area.

 12 hours of salt production from DCFC and FCC fans.

12 hours of salt production from DCFC and FCC fans.

"It is in the best interest of our partners to harvest this salt and bring it to market," stated director of strategic objectives, Claude Lamereux. "There is so much salt being created between the two groups of fans that we intend to harvest the salt and sell it at the FCC concessions during the upcoming US Open Cup game."

Insiders with Nestlé indicate that the company already made $2 million off the event by acquiring the salt mining rights back in 2015. In one week, Nestlé is going to go into the black for the quarter.

"We thought we hit it big when we saw Flint not using any of their water so we moved in and grabbed it for next to nothing," stated Nestlé CEO Ulf Mark Schneider. "We had no idea our salt contract in the area was going to explode like this. We're hoping that the Open Cup game gets delayed so we can secure our company's financial stability for the next 10 years. The idea that salt is a human right is a bit extreme, to me."

FC Cincinnati fans were reporetdly aghast that Detroit City FC fans would even get a taste of their salt as they beseiged their front office to limit the amount of salt given to the Detroit fans to 30 grains or less.

"This is OUR salt. Our salt is built for MLS. Our salt is big time," stated FC Cincinnati fan Nate Bowman. "We don't need anyone coming into our city and telling us about their salt. Fuck their salt."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nestle acquires mineral rights to all the salt generated by the Cascadia derbies and the Hudson River derby, as well.

Hair Raising Development As Wayne Rooney May Plug Into D.C. United's Bald Spot

WASHINGTON - We won't split hairs, league sources indicate that head Everton substitute Wayne Rooney may plug into barnstorming eastern conference team D.C. United's bald spot at striker as they hope that the 32 year old grizzled, haggard, beleaguered, long legged, long in the tooth, battle tested veteran will be able to provide a comb over for the thinning options at forward.

"This is not a baldface lie," stated Carmen Esposito, director of scouting for United. "We hope that we can bring Wayne in to give us more options on the forward line as we feel that it is receding entirely too early in games. Why just the introduction of him at Audi field will stand your hair on end."

Supporters of D.C. United indicated their agreement with the plan as the OFFICIAL TEAM REPRESENTATIVE SUPPORTERS GROUP, the Screaming Eagles, stated, "Bringing in Rooney will really help us get ahead in the standings."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we come up with more of these awful things.

League Celebrates 12 Years Of MLSPU Salary Numbers And 12 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 12 years now. 

 T.R.E.A.M. - Tam Rules Everything Around Me, Garber Dolla Bill YA'LL!

T.R.E.A.M. - Tam Rules Everything Around Me, Garber Dolla Bill YA'LL!

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 12 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said Patrick Doody of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to David Villa, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

TNN-Respond.jpg

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 10 years.

T.I.F.O. Shortage Expected As President Trump Announces A Muslin Ban

WASHINGTON - Citing absolutely no precedent whatsoever except whatever his syphilitic mind full of racists conspiracies came up with, President Donald Trump announced a new ban on Muslins sending the Supporters Group world into a frenzy as T.I.F.O shortages will be expected.

 This rainbow color should remind you to donate to a worthy cause on  https://www.prideraiser.org/

This rainbow color should remind you to donate to a worthy cause on https://www.prideraiser.org/

The T.I.F.O index fell across the New York Stock Exchange as supporters went from Bull to Bear. Fabric purchasers and designers announced their intent to hold on to their stockpiles instead of dumping them on the open market.

"I'm a cheap man and Muslin is my only option," stated Sacramento Republic fan Carmine Williams. "This Muslin ban is not only idiotic but will eventually prevent me from making any two-poles in the stadium."

Colorado Rapids supporter Jane Thurgood stated, "This is the dumbest thing. I'm friends with Muslin. I'm not going to be afraid to use it. The President has lost his damn mind."

In an effort at reaching across the aisle, The Nutmeg News spoke to Trump supporter Williams Hargood III of Monroe, La who stated, "OBAMA WAS A SECRET MUSLIN SHARIA LAW IN DEARBORN JAMES COMEY IS A DEEP STATE OPERATIVE LIKE ALEX JONES AND EVERYONE SHOULD LUST AFTER THEIR DAUGHTER LIKE PRESIDENT TRUMP GOD BLESS LEADING US TO THE PROMISED LAND. HILLARY FOR PRISON AND ROSANNE FOR SECRETARY OF STATE HASHTAG DEPLORADORABLE.Я НЕ ТОЛЬКО РОССИЙСКАЯ СЕТЬ"

 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ISC fights the Muslin Ban at the stadiums.

Lansing United Announce Shorts Sponsorship With Industrial Manufacturing Company Siemens

Lansing, MI - National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) side Lansing United announced, today, a bold and innovative shorts sponsorship with industrial manufacturing company Siemens that will be pared with their kit sponsorship with Sparrow.

 Men's Kit

Men's Kit

"With the success of our women's kit we started to think how we could best illustrate the same level of sophistication with our Men's sponsors," stated Lansing United director Rob Robertson. "As such, we decided that a new, innovative and bold partnership with Siemens would proudly be displayed on our players shorts. We feel that our players are represented well by Siemens and that this sponsorship is truly be a game-changer in the realm of club sponsorship. There may 11 men out there playing their part, but together we are all Siemens."

 Women's Kit

Women's Kit

Insider sources with Lansing United indicate that the club thinks the combination of the Men's and Women's team sponsors will propel them to the top of the NPSL sales records.

"Siemens and Milk! What a combination," stated one anonymous executive.

The Nutmeg News will have more of these juvenile jokes at a later time.

Another Thoroughbred Acquired By North Carolina Courage

Cary, North Carolina - After praising McCall Zerboni as a, "thoroughbred," yesterday, head coach Paul Riley announced that the North Carolina Courage acquired another thoroughbred as Australian filly Art Series was announced as a new Courage midfielder, on Wednesday.

 The new Courage midfielder in action.

The new Courage midfielder in action.

"Like McCall, we feel that Art can run in our midfield all day," stated Riley to The Nutmeg News. "Art Series is an award winning Australian thoroughbred and we are happy to welcome a Matilda to our roster."

Art Series is a 3yo bay filly (female) from Australia trained by Darren Mcauliffe, who is based at Lark Hill. She is sired by the stallion Sebring out of the dam Left Alone.  

Terms of the deal were not disclosed but Riley indicated that he believes the Australian international can make a difference with his team immediately.

"We can use some players that will run and Art Series can run all day," stated Riley. "We plan on putting her through the beep test on Friday and expect that this rare thoroughbred international will put all our previous players to shame."

We reached out to Ms. Series for a comment but she stated, "neigh."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Art Series gets a red card in the first game for unsporting defecation.

Man Spends Weekend Enjoying Soccer Unaware That He Should Be Miserable

Boston, MA - Local soccer supporter Paul Cappel recently spent the weekend enjoying soccer despite the fact that, according to leading internet trolls, he should feel miserable all the time about the game.

 The face of a man who hasn't checked the responses to his innocuous soccer loving tweet.

The face of a man who hasn't checked the responses to his innocuous soccer loving tweet.

Mr. Cappel reportedly detailed, on Twitter, an enjoyable weekend of watching the Revolution defeat Sporting Kansas City, LAFC's opening game in their new stadium, Manchester City defeating West Ham, Chelsea defeating Swansea, and 20 minutes of the Dortmund v Werder game before he went and played pick up soccer in a local park.

"It was a great weekend watching some fun games #MLS #Soccer," Tweeted Mr. Cappel to dozens of online trolls who patiently waited to tell him how utterly shit his viewing experience was this weekend.

"He should understand that he is watching inferior soccer in a cartel environment and that he is enabling all of these things," stated righteous blowhard soccer fan and gatekeeper Eli Taylor. "He must grow to understand that he is a shit fan watching shit players and that he should only watch the best of the best play each other."

Reportedly, Cappel was inundated with responses to his morning tweets from anonymous soccer fans who vigorously told him how incorrect he was for enjoying the games this weekend as they criticized his love of his local side, watching additional MLS games and watching only big money clubs overseas.

"Everything I did was wrong," stated Cappel to The Nutmeg News. "I thought I was supposed to support my local club, but that was wrong. I thought I should find a team in England to watch, but that was wrong. I don't even know how to watch the game anymore, apparently."

Friends state that Cappel was in a joyous mood  on Monday after a great weekend until he was told repeatedly, online, that he was a sheep watching shit players playing in an unauthentic league and simultaneously a glory-hunting ignoramus tearing apart the fabric of the homegrown support overseas.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cappel spends the rest of his Monday online as he reads one reply after another and one troll account after another until he isn't certain that he really likes the game or any of the people involved with soccer on a regional or national level.

Space-X Launches Mission To Retrieve Michael Bradley Penalty Kick From Orbit

Cape Canaveral, Florida - Space-X, today, launched a mission to retrieve Michael Bradley's penalty kick from Earth Geosynchronous orbit.

spacex.jpg

Space-X owner Elon Musk said that part of their mission would be to test a new multi stage rocket technology that allows the company to reconnect stages in space and then land them in the guise of famous landmarks. The Mission Bradley rocket will land as a full scale replica of the Eiffel Tower with Bradley's Ball as the pinnacle of the radio tower.

"This new technique of retrieving poorly struck penalty kicks and shots is something we've been developing for FIFA for the past 5 years," stated Musk to our reporter. "The impetus was placed upon us after the Sergio Ramos penalty miss and the Wondolowski shank."

According to insider sources, NASA informed Space-X that there is entirely too much soccer related debris orbiting the Earth and that they are concerned with launching future missions to repair spy satellites if they have to plow through every shanked penalty kick that is now in orbit over Russia.

"It is our hope that we can contribute to the clean-up of space and retrieve Bradley's ball from orbit. This is a test case that will eventually let us post someone up in space with a life raft and a net to catch future penalty kicks from American players," stated Musk.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Space-X nicknames this Operation Trinidad.

Soccer Fan Divesting His Fandom In Manchester United And Buying Heavy In Wolverhampton

Denver, CO - Financial analyst and soccer fan David Headway stated that he is, "Selling United and Buying Wolverhampton," as he attempted to get an edge on the 2019/2020 Premier League Season.

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"It's important for me to buy low, become a fan before Wolverhampton are back in the premier league, and get some good value from my pick before selling all my gear on Ebay when it becomes clear they will become relegated," stated Headway to our reporter.

Headway reportedly spent the afternoon combing over the tables attempting to find good value for money as he finally realized that he needed to sell high on United during the FA Cup Final so he can get better value as a fan for Wolverhampton.

"This is all about return on my investment as a fan," stated Headway. "I need to ensure that I've got a good portfolio going. I'm invested in Bayern Munich because they are a strong performer. I went IN on Juventus late last year with a cheeky jersey purchase, and I'm hedging heavy on Valencia as a sell high option. I'm likely cashing in on them and moving my fandom to Real Madrid in 2019 as they will likely spend an asinine amount of cash between now and then giving me a very good return in terms of overall drama and insanity as a new Madridista for next season."

Headway's first love, however, remains English Football and the Denver native admits it is here where he has really made his speculation pay off.

"I'll always remember selling high on Fulham after the Europa league final in 2010 and buying heavy in Leicester. Half my closet was Leicester clothes for three years. But I had to divest from them as they won the title because there's no possibility of getting any more value from that pick. I then moved on to being a Manchester United fan with the Mourinho acquisition and it's been a rocky road. I still feel like I let emotion get the better of me and I'll be happy if I can make it out of following this team on a break even basis."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Headway considers a jersey purchase investment in Scunthorpe for 2019.

With Wenger Leaving Arsenal, American With WengerOUT Sign Uncertain How He Will Get Attention Now

Tampa Bay, FL - Soccer fan Stephen P. Harriford  was reportedly incensed with Arsene Wenger for finally obeying his two stick of #WengerOut as the announced departure of the London boss ensured that Harriford would no longer be able to bring his two-stick to every single soccer game and event he attended in 2018.

 "C'mon guys... it'll be funny! SO FUNNY! LIKE SO SO FUNNY! OMG! LETS BRING OTHER THINGS NEXT TIME TO THE GAME! LIKE A GIANT PEPE RIDING A DICKBUTT!   SO  ORIGINAL  THESE  MEMES!"

"C'mon guys... it'll be funny! SO FUNNY! LIKE SO SO FUNNY! OMG! LETS BRING OTHER THINGS NEXT TIME TO THE GAME! LIKE A GIANT PEPE RIDING A DICKBUTT! 

SO

ORIGINAL

THESE

MEMES!"

"I've brought this thing to rec league games, MLS games, USL games, nearly anywhere that will let me in with the thing," stated Harriford to The Nutmeg News. "It was my 100% foolproof way of ensuring that I would get pictures taken of myself and gain national notoriety within the insanely tiny subgroup of passionate soccer fans. Now how am I supposed to become a celebrity in the stands?"

Harriford stated that with the official death of #WengerOut he is working on other ideas for the stands including bringing back old standards like "John 3:16", wearing full clown makeup or perhaps even a "Bababooey/Babadook" reference.

"Everyone loves Howard Stern again, right? I can't tell if this is dated or current. Typical Wenger never thinking of the fans. I will never understand why he didn't wait until the end of the season to announce his retirement so I could enjoy my moment in the sun. This was MY time to shine."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harriford dedicates himself to being the fan that starts The Wave. 

 

Anarchist Capo Wants You To Sing Your Own Song

Portland, OR - Anarchist capo Pete "Hayduke" Smith stated that he wants to utilize visual and audio cues to lead fans to a place where they ignore him and sing their own song culminating in a completely anarchic section where no central leadership is recognized.

 "Do not listen to what I have to say!"

"Do not listen to what I have to say!"

"If we all end up doing our own things loud enough and without any restrictions or rules, then we will totally come together and form a cohesive supporter group, one without rules, song sheets, or any kind of actual coherence. It'll be beautiful," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News.

"You are too reliant on us! Stop relying on us and rely on yourselves, but not because you're relying on me to tell you to rely on yourself, just do it yourself. Shit, I'm stuck in recursion.... Look, we just need to admit it's capos all the way down, but if we work together on working apart we can implement a new anti-statism loose collective in the stands that entails opposing authority or hierarchical organization in the conduct of human relations, including but not limited to, the state system and/or the singing of songs (or not) on the terraces, PT -- FC."

Fans in the sections that Mr. Smith capos indicate that he has taken to alternatively leading and then not leading his section as he looks to the throngs of people who look at him for guidance, for guidance.

"Listen to me, but simultaneously do NOT listen to me, but only listen to me if you need to listen and that doesn't violate the choices that your ears and brain make in concert with your brain which you should ignore as they are trying to control you, as well. YOU NEED TO STOP LISTENING TO ALL OF US BECAUSE I'm trying to tell you not follow me. So FOLLOW ME, to learn how to not follow me! Now sing your own song"

Timbers fan Susan Reynolds reportedly asked Mr Smith, "So should we be anti-anti-establishment and actually do what the Front Office says and stop cursing so much and spend more money on Front Office merch and not buy supporter group merch that doesn't actually support the team?"

His response illustrated much of his belief system as he stated in response, "Yes, but no if you are listening to me and yes if you are doing the opposite but only if the opposite is your free will and not part of a state system, informal or otherwise. You are clearly disobeying me which is the equivalent of opposing obeying the construct I provide, which is in itself a construct if you lead others to that viewpoint. This is unacceptable. I just want to free your mind, now here's another song you should sing only if you feel that you should sing, but you shouldn't listen to me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith makes a two stick for himself that reads, "NO gods, NO capos, now sing, or not."

Supporters Group Member Silently Tweets That People Need To Get Loud

Denver, CO - Rapids fan and supporters group member David Bentley was reportedly incensed at the lack of atmosphere during the recent victory against Toronto FC and silently took his frustration to Twitter, during the game, to complain about the lack of fans singing and paying attention to the game.

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According to friends, the Centennial 38 member muttered under his breath about the lack of engagement as he utilized Twitter during the game to put everyone on blast for not singing.

"This place is going to be a library if you don't contribute," ranted Bentley to his twitter account @NugsPidsAvsBroncsRocks49  as he silently complained about the lack of effort in the stands. "We need everyone contributing and pushing their voices to the max," tweeted Bentley as he missed 10 minutes of game time composing the tweet and attempting to get it to send with the overworked data service in the area.

Friends say that Bentley is very passionate about encouraging expression in the grounds even as he stands stock still in the stands muttering disapproving statements under his breath.

"David is a big proponent of giving it your all, except for himself," stated good friend Benjamin Lauderdale."He typically stands there remaining relatively silent with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face, but that doesn't mean that other people should do the same."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bentley writes a multi-part tweet on people coasting in the supporters section.

Harry Kane Claims Last Two Goals Scored By The Seattle Sounders

LONDON - In a shocking move, Tottenham Hotspur forward Harry Kane has reportedly submitted an official claim to FIFA stating that he was responsible for the last two goals scored by the Seattle Sounders against Sporting Kansas City.

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"I and I alone am responsible for the goals given to Cristian Roldan and Will Bruin," stated the Spurs striker. "In my effort towards the golden boot I will not be shortchanged by a clerical error."

Sources close to Kane indicate that his ability to connect Tottenham to Clint Dempsey and Clint Dempsey to the Sounders indicates that Kane is directly responsible for the goals which should be added to the forwards tally moving him only two goals behind Liverpool's Mohamed Salah for the English Premier League Golden Boot.

We reached out to Major League Soccer (MLS) for comment and they stated that they are conducting an internal review, but are ready to void the draw for the Sounders, award the goals to Kane and pay him a settlement fee as long as he agrees to come over and play in the league in 10 years and/or 4 ligament injuries.

"We will review this internally," stated director of Public Relations for MLS Jenna Aimes. "However, we will ensure that the mechanism is in place to allow Mr. Kane satisfaction and possibly to encourage his future participation in the league... possibly with our new Austin franchise in 2028."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kane considers claiming all future goals scored by Dempsey.