Atlanta United Fans Prepare For Biggest Club Transition Since Not Having A Team Two Years Ago

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fans were reportedly preparing for the biggest club transition since not having a team two years ago as rumors continued to swirl that head coach Tata Martino will be leaving the side at the end of the year.

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“Oh god, it’s like …… um……………………. well……. ok, I guess I don’t really have any kind of historical nostalgia to fall back on,” stated Atlanta United fan Hector Gomez.

Fans of Atlanta United have been nervously awaiting this day since the team started playing well last year as it became obvious that if they kept it up that Tata Martino would be a wanted man.

“I was worried about this in January,” stated Atlanta United fan Shondra Evans. “We played so well last year, I just knew that if we played well this year he might go somewhere. And now that somewhere is somewhere else and that time is now and I guess I’m just going through my first broken heart with this team.”

Dissident fan Travis Brown stated that he was fine with Martino leaving because, “I’m just saying man, he hasn’t gotten it done in the playoffs. In the entire history of this team we’ve never ONCE made MLS Cup. This is some bullshit. It’s time for new blood. TATA OUT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors continue to inflame the passions of fans in the area.

Soccer Game Interrupts Vulnerability Remediation And Patching Summit

VANCOUVER - A soccer game between the Vancouver Whitecaps and Sporting Kansas City interrupted a vulnerability remediation and patching summit between sysads of three different Vancouver based companies on Wednesday night.

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“Look, all I’m saying is that the fourth quarter patching cycle is limping along towards the year end compliance goals as it relates to… um… WHAT THE FUCK, NERWINSKI,” stated Sasha Milovacic.

“Yeah, um… I was fully in a Tomcat/Java patching hell and I’m never not going to be pa..er… um…. HEY BREK, THE END OF THE SEASON IS NEAR. THANKS,” stated Atsushi Yamamoto.

Milovacic, Yamamoto and good friend Carla Cordeiro spent most of the second half talking about their respective professions as they unburdened themselves to each other about the mundane hell of vulnerability remediation, patching, production environments and linux environments.

“I didn’t even have access to upgrade my RHEL6 servers to RHEL7 because the network policy won’t all….. HEY GODDAMMIT BOYS, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE,” stated Ms Cordeiro to no one in particular as the Whitecaps gave up another goal and she took another drink of the $9.25 beer that she nursed.

According to fans around the trio, they spent most of the second half talking because the game was a dumpster fire, they had season tickets and at this point they might as well drink, complain and endure.

“I’d be doing it to if I had someone to talk to about Oracle security upgrades,” stated administrator Frank Devon who admitted to not remembering what it was like to feel joy at games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all three of the sysads agree that at least they aren’t assigned a Perl application to support for the rest of their life.

Brave Hero Travels Internet Reminding People They Can't Really Enjoy Rooney's Goal Because It's MLS

INTERNET - Brave internet hero George “zerocool” Williams reportedly traveled the internet yesterday evening performing a heroic civic duty of reminding everyone that they shouldn’t enjoy the Wayne Rooney free kick goal because it was scored in Major League Soccer (MLS).

“Keeper shoulda had it,” stated Williams to 128 different Twitter accounts who gleefully tweeted out the gif of Rooney’s goal only to have their night ruined by Williams in one fell swoop. “The standard of goalkeeping in this league is so bad that it’s not really a surprise. How on earth you could enjoy this shit is beyond me. The standard is abysmal. It’s probably not even amateur level in Hampstead Heath.”

Williams kept to his guns despite extreme pressure from outside Twitter accounts who labeled him a troll as he boldly ensured that no one on the internet would enjoy this goal in peace.

“Terrible league and really it wasn’t that special,” stated Williams to @Red2706 a 12 year old boy in Baltimore who idolizes Wayne Rooney. “You should be watching good players in good leagues and not this trash stuff.”

Williams didn’t limit his efforts to Twitter as he also logged on to Facebook in order to ensure that everyone would understand that their reaction to this free kick goal should be restrained and muted disapproval of the goalkeeping, defense and overall league intensity.

“I don’t know how you could watch this and not understand that it would be saved by 99% of goalkeepers in the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, and even the Eredivisie,” ranted Williams to a Facebook group to which he was just admitted. “The fact that you think this goal is special is just proof that you don’t watch enough soccer.”

For his part, Williams intends to continue his crusade until he ruins the enjoyment of every special moment that any fan of the beautiful game could possibly have.

“I have standards and while they may be high…. the very fact that you would ask me why I would do this shows that you just don’t understand the game at my level. Wayne’s goal was like the Star Wars prequels and the sequels and really Star Wars in general. Utter Trash.”

The Nutmeg News will have more no this as Williams breaks down why this goal was nothing special on his YouTube page, blog, Twitter account, Reddit account, Facebook account and shouting at strangers on street corners around the world.

Nations League Slammed By President Trump For, "Not Solving Problems"

WASHINGTON - The Nations League, a UEFA organized biennial soccer tournament, was slammed by President Donald Trump for, “Not solving problems,” as the President took to Twitter to blast the international sports tournament

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“The Nations League has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time,” stated President Trump from his Twitter account.

According to DC Insiders, President Trump saw the Nations Cup trending online and took a shot at the tournament as he confused it with the United Nations and the League of Nations.

“"When do you see the Nations League solving problems?” stated President Trump into a bathroom mirror. “They don’t. They cause problems. We should bomb them, and throw away the key. I’ll tell them and I’ll force them and they’ll love me for it.”

President Trump then took to Twitter to castigate the Nations League for not having the United States at the tournament as he stated, “Things will be different with the United States involved.”

President Trump also dismissed rumors that the United States missed the 2018 World Cup as, “Fake News,” stating that, “The United States didn’t miss the World Cup, the United States won the World Cup like we win everything and we will renegotiate the Nations League to get coal back and to put our farmers back to work in the fields.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alexi Lalas praises President Trump for his leadership on this matter.

Audi Player Index In Shop Again After Suffering Transmission Problem

The Audi Player Index is reportedly in the shop again after suffering a transmission problem prior to the New England Revolution and Orlando City game on Sunday evening.

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“We tried to start it up, and get it on the broadcast and it just won’t go,” stated Major League Soccer (MLS) statistician and branding expert Hubert Genoa. “I don’t know what happened, but over the years we’ve been having more and more issues with the Audi Player Index so we finally just had to get it hauled off to the shop, again.”

Mechanics with the European Metrics and Motorsport Shop indicate that the problem is an incorrect tabulation that suppresses the “goals functionality”. The part will cost $4500 to replace and will need to be flown in from Audi headquarters in Ingolstadt, Germany. The labor to install the part will require at least 8 hours of work.

“We won’t be able to do any tabulation or data shifting until we replace this mechanism,” stated data expert Ralph Sosa. “The numbers just won’t make any sense. We can’t even get this thing out of the garage at this point.”

Sources within Major League Soccer indicate that this might be the last straw for the Audi Player Index as the unreliability of the metric finally upset the wrong persons at the league.

“All I know is that they were kicking the API and shouting at it. No one likes to get out to their Audi and find it dead, but here we are. I told them they should’ve gotten a Volvo Player Index, but no one listens to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Major League Soccer replaces their Audi with a Volkswagen and realizes that the numbers are all manipulated.

Dave Sarachan Claims Squatters Rights On USMNT Position

East Hartford, CT - Speaking to a collected group of reporters before the United States game against Peru, current interim head coach Dave Sarachan invoked squatters rights and stated that he would not be leaving any time soon.

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“This is adverse possession,” stated Sarachan to the press. “The doctrine of adverse possession discourages disuse of property. According to the doctrine, if property was abandoned, the squatter could gain control over the coaching position.”

Legal experts for the United States Soccer Federation claim that Sarachan may have a legal position here as the head coaching job was vacated by Bruce Arena with little notice.

“He’s been squatting in this position for 10 games and over a year,” stated USSF lawyer Sandi Hannover. “We didn’t realize that until today and now we don’t really have legal recourse to force him out.”

Insiders with the USSF indicate that this isn’t the worst thing that could happen because it does relieve the pressure of the ongoing and unending coaching search.

“It kinda fixes a problem that the USSF didn’t really want to resolve by any other methodology,” stated our anonymous source. “I think they will just roll with this until the team starts losing again and then fire him. It’s a wash, rinse, repeat moment for the federation and takes the pressure off the executives.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a bearded Sarachan moves into the USSF headquarters in Chicago with his acoustic guitar, his tabla and his Jack Johnson tabs.

Bad Behavior By Individual Casts Shadow Over Entirety Of Supporters Groups

Orlando, FL - The bad behavior by Atlanta United fan James Howard, at a bar in Epcot Center on Sunday, cast a shadow over the entirety of the supporters groups and the collected fanbase for Atlanta United as Howard and all Atlanta United fans were castigated for his drunken behavior online.

 A-T-L!  A-T-L!  A-T-L!  “Sir, we are going to have to ask you to leave”

A-T-L!

A-T-L!

A-T-L!

“Sir, we are going to have to ask you to leave”

“Atlanta United fans will need to have a word with themselves,” stated twitter loudmouth @SecondThoughtOnSoccer. “This kind of behavior is exactly the thing that Major League Soccer will need to stamp out if it wants to make it as a global league.”

Howard was reportedly on vacation in Disney World when he became drunk and disorderly after having one too many beers in the German Biergarten of Epcot Center.

“He was wearing a soccer shirt!! He kept singing soccer songs,” stated one anonymous patron. “I KNEW those soccer hooligans would eventually turn to violence or song. I do not sing out loud. That is not accepted in OUR culture.”

Internet sleuths, reprobates and people with zero personal life were able to discern, from a video tweeted out about the incident, that Mr. Howard attended at least one Atlanta United game in the past two months as they reached out to his work, personal life and the collected supporters groups to disown Mr. Howard’s churlish behavior.

“Is THIS the kind of image we want for Major League Soccer?” asked @OCSCLifeTime to the Footie Mob Twitter account.

“This is exactly how we know that American fans only care about drinking and not about the intricacies of the global game,” stated @ProRelForMyBedroom.

Mr. Howard claimed that he just had one or two beers too many and was asked to leave, but reportedly received a notice from Major League Soccer that in order to attend another game he will be required to attend mandatory substance abuse counseling and see a therapist for the next 2 months.

“We will see about re-instating him for the 2019 season,” stated MLS Director of cracking down, Ray Whitworth. “If it was my choice, we would ban him and all hooligans like him for life.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as members of Footie Mob, Resurgence, Faction, and Terminus Legion try to figure out if any of their members even know this guy.

Rec League Roundup: Referee For Tonight's Game Has A Date In 90 Minutes

Landisville, PA - Referee Peter Smith reportedly told both Stefano’s Hot Links FC and Chipotle United that, “I have a date tonight so lets get this game going,” as he planned on ending the Rec League game by 8:15 pm regardless of what is happening on the field.

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“I’ve got a date and we are going to the Olive Garden by the Park City Center so there’s no way I’m making it on time unless this game is over by 8:15,” stated Referee Smith. “If you want to play a full 90 tonight, you better get moving.”

Smith reportedly called over both team Captains to voice his displeasure at the last game when he had to leave in order to make it to his Chemistry class at Stevens College in Lancaster and was yelled at for awarding zero stoppage time minutes after an inadvertent slide tackle set off a 3 minutes pushing session during the second half.

“I don’t care if you guys bash against each other and fight for 90 minutes, we are getting out of here on time,” stated Smith. “I don’t care if the players are taken off on stretchers at this point. Consider this your only warning. This shit is thunderdome tonight. There will be no stoppage. There will be no cards. There will be an end to the game at 8:15 and then I’m going face down in some Chicken Parm and bottomless breadsticks.”

Despite being reported to the Penn Men’s Over-30 Adult Soccer League, Smith continues to referee as supposedly the management of the league just really doesn’t give a shit.

“Ok, so let’s have a clean game and get this thing moving,” stated Smith to both sides as he whistled for play to start with Chipotle United only fielding 6 players due to traffic.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith ends up as the referee for the playoff game between Stefano’s and Chipotle after they both file a complaint against him.

Prominent Journalist Not Actually "Rose City Til I Die"

CHICAGO - Prominent soccer journalist Brent Adams stated unequivocally that he is not actually “Rose City Til I Die” despite using the RCTID hashtag to disseminate Timbers team information over the weekend.

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“I’m not and frankly I resent the implication that I am not impartial,” stated Adams to his 20,000 Twitter followers. “I just don’t understand why THAT has to be the hashtag.”

Adams also stated for the record that he is additionally not “Eternal Blue Forever Green, Vamos Orlando, City Til I Die, For The City, Forever Orange, Save The Crew, For Glory For City, Dallas Til I Die, No Other Club, Massive, or Real Salt Lake Til I Die.”

“Id love to pass my columns and information on the team to the general public without appearing to be partial,” stated Adams to The Nutmeg News. “However, these team hashtags make me just look like any other fan. I mean, honestly…. Doop? Join or Die? I’m just trying to let people know the injury status of a player or a transfer rumor. Now everyone thinks that I’m partial to their team every time I tweet out a story.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Kansas City fan Henry Spooner who stated, “No, no one actually thinks that Brent Adams is a Sporting Kansas City fan. Unless that makes him mad, then yes… we ALL think he is a SKC fan.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams attempts to balance the need for clicks and eyeballs on his stories versus the disgust he feels tweeting things using team and supporter group hashtags.

Soccer Fans Excited To Hate The Columbus Crew Again

Soccer fans across the United States and Canada were reportedly excited to again hate the Columbus Crew as news that the Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise may stay in Columbus filtered out this Friday.

 (AP Photo/Jay LaPrete)

(AP Photo/Jay LaPrete)

“I actually made a Save The Crew banner for them,” stated DC United fan James Forrester. “I’m really excited to start disliking their fans and team again.”

Crew fans expressed thanks to the solidarity shown across the league while fans like Whitecaps supporter Tom Reynolds stated, “I’m so glad that I can tell them to go fuck themselves again.”

Supporters in Cincinnati were excited for the possibility of the Crew staying as FCC fan Stephanie Halmon stated, “I’m so incredibly happy for their fans that the team may stay because I really wanted to be able to tell those fans that I want their stadium to collapse and their city to burn to the ground when we play them next year. It’s a great time to be alive.”

With the news looking increasingly like the Crew are going to stay, people who designed T.I.F.O. in support of the people of Columbus are reportedly changing their design to reflect the new sentiment.

“At first I was going to put a D on the banner to make it SAVEDtheCrew,” stated T.I.F.O master for Sporting Kansas City Ryan Lewis. “However, now I’m just going to make a two stick that shows Crew Cat being eaten alive by ants. WE ARE BACK, BABY!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we kindly wait for the appropriate measure to return to joking about Columbus as an utter catastrophe due to the Browns ownership.

Jermain Defoe Requests Early Release From, "I Enjoyed It," Comment On Time In MLS

After an interview with ESPN FC where he stated that he enjoyed his time with Major League Soccer, current Bournemouth player Jermain Defoe requested an early release from said comment as he stated, "I didn't actually enjoy my time at all."

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Defoe, who signed a four year contract with Toronto FC and then left after one year, admitted that he didn't know what he was saying and meant specifically that he enjoyed his time with the money they paid him.

"Yeah, the money... that's what I enjoyed. 8 hour flights in business class and playing in 105 degree heat in Dallas... um ... no... I did not enjoy that."

Defoe also indicated that his fall out with Toronto happened due to them expecting him to play his full contract and him really not wanting to do that at all.

"Yeah, I wanted the money they gave me but not to actually play," stated Dfeoe. "Did you know they expected me to play the full four years? Madness. I mean, four years is an eternity in this league. Do you know how many flights that is from Toronto to Houston? Too many."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Defoe also walks back his comment on possibly returning to MLS as he states, "not for all the money in the ... you know... I do like money, though and it WAS pretty easy to get out of a contract the last time."



Marta And 14 Other People Nominated For Inaugural Women's Ballon d'Or

PARIS - France Football announced that Marta and 14 other people who may or may not be soccer players were nominated for the inaugural women’s Ballon d’Or.

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“We are excited to welcome Marta to the stage again,” stated Claude Perrier, director of France Football. “As the reigning FIFA Player Of The Year, Marta will be a great representative for the burgeoning women’s game that shows no signs of slowing down despite their inability to vote.”

Fans the world over state that if Marta wins another best player award this season they will likely roll their eyes once more amd sigh deeply into their coffee before firing off an angry tweet and getting back to work.

“Yeah, Um…. who the hell votes on this shit?” asked Chicago Red Stars fan Diana Evans. “If the winner isn’t Sam Kerr, then they can all just jump into the ocean.”

When asked about Ms Kerr’s chances France Football commentator Jaque Villaneu stated, “We believe in equality between our competitors and we support Mr. Sam Kerr’s candidacy. even if there is a controversy of his inclusion into this field.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Marta wins again.

Former Blogger Ready To Return To Writing About Soccer After Breakup

Lincoln, NE - Former soccer blogger Richard Smith indicated that he is ready to return to writing about soccer, again, after his breakup with Paula Hallsey was finalized leaving the once prolific writer with acres of time on his hands.

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“Yeah, so I have absolutely nothing going on in my life, now…. I might as well start blogging again,” stated Smith to his cat Jaques.

According to friends, Smith’s relationship with Ms. Hallsey filled the hours he previously spent re-watching classic USMNT games whilst wearing a stained hoody and eating nachos with tender and peaceful dinners where the two would talk about their hopes and dreams.

“Yeah, it was great, but look at all this free time I have,” stated Smith as he dug into a king size bag of Skittles that he purchased for dinner and began watching the United States versus Ghana from 2014. “It was just too much work being happy all the time and I’ve just replaced all those feelings of love, acceptance, joy, and family with analysis of the tactics of Bora Milutinović.”

Friends state that Mr. Smith has been sitting at home eating cereal for lunch, watching soccer, and sitting on the couch for the past two weeks as he attempts to get the word out on Twitter that he is back in the game.

“Honestly, it’s really depressing,” stated good friend Dave Williams. “Paula was a great girl and now he’s just staying in like some kind of reclusive shut-in. He keeps claiming to have all these other friends, but I think he’s just trying to talk to people on Twitter. I invited him out for trivia the other day, but he said he was going to research podcast equipment online and write a column about the enduring legacy of Carlos Bocanegra. Honestly, the dude needs less time on his hands cause this is ridiculous.”

For his part, Mr Smith indicated that he is doing just fine as he only wept into his pillow twice last night at the never ending darkness that seemed to illuminate his poor choices in relationships.

“I’ve got it great,” stated the red-eyed man child wearing a Descendents t-shirt that he remembered fitting a lot better 10 years ago. “And I managed to get a really good shift working at Papa Murphys. It just leaves more time for me to write my masterpiece and get hired by The Athletic. I’m using my blog to apply for a press-pass to MLS Cup. Now I just need to figure out how to save enough money to get there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith is showered with praise on Twitter for his return more than he showers at home.

New League With Promotion And Relegation Starts In United States As Lonely Man Creates New Save On Football Manager

Des Moines, IA - Pundits the world round were startled as a new soccer league with promotion and relegation began in the United States as local man Joel Richenbach started a brand new save on Football Manager.

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“This is going to BREAK THE MOLD,” stated Adrian Healey, a soccer guy.

“I didn’t think it was possible, but I now see that it is possible,” stated Rob Stone, a guy who sometimes talks about soccer.

“It’s still not as good as the United States back in 1994,” stated Alexi Lalas as he reminisced about the golden age of the game back when people said his name without adding the word sucks at the end.

“We wish him all the luck in the world and hope he succeeds,” stated Don Garber as he reached out to MLS legal to start a lawsuit against the nascent league.

Rumors indicate that many owners and operators of teams are looking to start a team in Richenbach’s new league including neighbor Jeff Anderson, good friend Sam Gutierrez, and human slime mold Anthony Precourt.

“This seems like a good fit for my club in Austin,” stated Precourt to the Nutmeg News as he robbed a child on the street. “We didn’t have any support in MLS anyway.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Richenbach gets bored and deletes the save faster than the NISA folded.

Cabbage Thrown At Steve Bruce Denies Meeting With US Soccer

CHICAGO - According to its agent, the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce denied meeting with US Soccer over the vacant United States Men’s coaching position despite pictures of the Cabbage and Earnie Stewart at a Whole Foods.

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“Of course it is a very attractive position,” stated the Cabbage to The Nutmeg News. “The United States national team definitely has a young group. You put all our ingredients together and we can make a great cole slaw. However, I must insist that my attention remain with Aston Villa until the end of the season. I would find it highly inappropriate to comment on such rumor mongering. I leave that to the filthy lettuce from Sunderland.”

A U.S. Soccer Federation spokesperson did confirm to The Nutmeg News that Stewart, Chief Soccer Officer Ryan Mooney, and Chief Sport Development Officer Nico Romeijn conducted a conference call last week with the technical sub-committee of the USSF's Board of Directors to speak about cabbage, however they strongly denied it was in reference to the vacant position.

"We are continuing the policy of not commenting on individual candidates during the process,” stated US Soccer in a recent press release.

“However, we can state that the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce has a wealth of experience in the English leagues that some candidates for this position, over the years, did not possess. Any team would be lucky to have a cabbage like that as their manager.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce requests technical control over the entirety of US Soccer in order to make sweeping changes to the youth teams.

F.C. Cincinnati Fan Prepares For Major League Soccer By Complaining About Referees And League Structure

Cincinnati, OH - F.C. Cincinnati fan Desmond Taylor admitted that he is preparing for the upcoming 2019 Major League Soccer (MLS) season by complaining about MLS Referees and the league structure in order to get used to doing so six months from now.

 “DAMMIT TOLEDO!”

“DAMMIT TOLEDO!”

“TED UNKEL IS A JOKE,” screamed Taylor into a mirror as he flipped off the reflection of himself in his one bedroom apartment. “These player acquisition rules make no sense!”

Taylor reportedly started this regiment after trying to figure out how F.C. Cincinnati would attempt to enter the league and sign players in a league where chaos is a viable team acquisition methodology.

“It’s important to get used to the madness in advance,” stated Los Angeles FC fan Simon West. “In preparation for the season I drank copious amounts of booze after 7:00 pm and watched extremely heartbreaking movies. While we haven’t had too many reasons to be sad this season, all my hard work really helped during those tough times.”

For his part, Taylor is already planning on starting a booze, stretching and yoga plan to cope with the toll that the games will take on his body.

“I started a couch to MLS program that really emphasizes slowly upping your tolerance to all this crap,” stated Taylor. “I’m upping my consumption to a quart on/quart off whisky regiment and I’m learning how to scream all the referees names, while working on my hydration skills by overpaying my bartenders for Bud Light. It’s been tough, but it will pay off in the end.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Taylor schedules a road trip to MLS cities in order to pre-plan his drinking route through the city for the time when F.C. Cincinnati lose to an Eastern division team after Hilario Grajeda gives FCC a terrible red card and they give up after 78 minutes.

Sounders Fan Suffers Cold Neck During Morning Commute

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan August Darrow admitted to feeling a, “bit of a chill,” as they attempted to figure out a way to warm their neck during their morning commute.

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“I have a peg-board full of scarves, but those are for soccer. What am I supposed to use when my neck is cold?” stated Darrow to their Facebook feed.

Darrow spent the last few months covered in sweat and scarves whilst standing and swaying in the Brougham End cheering on their beloved Sounders. However, the increasingly cool temperatures in the morning lent itself to a different mode of dress that would keep them warm.

“Scarves are for soccer, though,” stated Darrow to good friend and fellow employee Melissa Howard. “I can’t just wear a soccer scarf outside of a game, those are game scarves. I bring them even when it is 90 degrees.”

Ms. Howards advice of, “you know, buy a scarf for cold weather,” was rebuffed by Darrow as they stated, “I have a closet full of scarves, I just don’t have a scarf that I wear to keep my neck warm. Look, I wear my scarves for soccer not for warmth because it’s hardly ever cold when I’m going to games. It’s all just very confusing. I clearly need a scarf for cold weather, but I have too many scarves.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Darrow tries to find an ECS scarf for commuting.

Soccer Supporter Celebrates Successful Agile Scrum With In Office Pyro Display

Orlando, FL - Soccer supporter and software developer Paul Brown celebrated a successful 30 day Agile Scrum with an in office pyro display as the scrum master indicated that Mr. Brown’s core development team successfully finished a cycle by moving from the iteration review to the retrospective ceremony.

 Exactly where does expected goals fit into this?

Exactly where does expected goals fit into this?

“FUCK YEAH!,” stated Mr. Brown as he pulled on a balaclava he bought from Ultras-tifo.net and popped off two flares he specially purchased in company colors. “LETS GO FUCKING MENTAL!”

Brown was reportedly excited by the slow and patient buildup with the UI development and core product development brought together by his new scrum master Jurgen Petrovich of Germany stating, “This is why we brought in a foreign manager, to push us to new heights! It’s exactly why Klinsmann didn’t get enough time on the job.”

Mr. Petrovich stated, “Without Ultras there is no passion,” before he received a strongly worded email from human resources requesting his presence at a mediation and employee review ad-hoc set up in the company standup room.

“We must always transition between attack and defense in equal measures,” stated Mr. Brown. “I’ve been waiting for this moment all year and I don’t care if the old bill comes down here busting heads, I’m gonna celebrate with the lads!”

Mr Brown then ripped off his shirt and was reported to human resources for requesting his male and female coworkers to go, “FULL TITS OUT FOR THE LADS IN QA.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a new handbook policy is added to address pyro displays in the office.

Brand New Red Bulls Fan Unaware Of Upcoming Postseason Misery

NEW YORK - Brand new Red Bulls fan Thomas Federic is reportedly excited for the upcoming 2018 playoffs as he remains blissfully unaware of the long and luxurious history of postseason misery inflicted upon the fans of the team for the past 23 seasons.

 They’ve made the playoffs 19 out of 23 years with nothing to show for it.

They’ve made the playoffs 19 out of 23 years with nothing to show for it.

“Boy, this is gonna be FUN!,” stated an overly energetic Federic after watching New York dismantle Atlanta United in the regular season. “I can’t wait to watch the team hoist MLS Cup!”

Long time fans say that Federic will need to quickly develop a hard shell-like exterior where the misery of the post season washes over you like so many Caricola own-goals.

“This is why I drink,” stated long time fan John Sampson. “This. Is. Why. I. Drink,” he stated as he looked away from the TV and quelled the rising hope within him with a Dos Equis and a shot of Patron. 

Federic, for his part, remains energetic about the upcoming games as he sees all the future possibilities with none of the baggage of 23 years of futility.

“I can’t wait! Who here is excited for the playoffs!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as grizzled Federic writes a novel length screed about his perpetual disappointment in the team on Metro Fanatic in roughly four years.

"Jay Heaps Job Will Be Evaluated At The End Of The 2018 Season," States Robert Kraft

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution owner Robert Kraft stated that ex head coach Jay Heaps job, “will be evaluated at the end of the 2018 season,” as he cast doubt on the long term position of the manager that he already fired last year.

 “anyone remember the tea men?”

“anyone remember the tea men?”

“Jay has done a wonderful job with us,” stated Kraft to two bloggers and a random man holding ice cream cone that looked like a microphone. “And we will take into consideration his entire body of work over the past few years and not just the 2018 season.”

According to insiders, Kraft forgot that he fired Heaps last season and replaced him with Brad Friedel as he continued to praise Heaps for his tenacity.

“It’s been a difficult year, but we haven’t shied away from the challenges. Jay approached the middle of the season like Tom Brady. He really read the coverage and continued to find a way to complete his passes until we were all yelling FIRST DOWN. After all, Jay couldn’t find another wide receiver to compete with Rob Gronkowski. How could he? Rob is not replaceable. Look, if Jay wanted to find the edge against the Colts, then he’s going to start having to look at whether he can continue playing Sony Michel. I mean, another Super Bowl isn’t going to win itself. Anyway, um… woo soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft tells his staff to tell Jonathan Kraft to tell his staff to tell Brian Bilello to tell Michael Burns to tell his staff to fire Heaps anyway.