Anthropologists Discover Lost RFK Stadium Civilization After Grease Fire On Second Level

WASHINGTON - Anthropologists with the National Museum Of Natural History stated that after firefighters put out a grease fire at RFK Stadium they discovered a lost civilization living entirely on the second level of the stadium.

Picture from the Temple Of Etcheverry. A holy site located on the second level of RFK Stadium.

Picture from the Temple Of Etcheverry. A holy site located on the second level of RFK Stadium.

"The local DC firefighters notified us after they contained the blaze and we went up to take a look," stated Professor Jefferson Hughes. "What we found was a whole ecosystem built up there subsisting on nothing but stale stadium food and the system of bartering old D.C. United branded giveaways."

Hughes stated that the second level civilization was an adjunct supporters group that split off after the start of the 1996 season. According to tribal elders, they eventually lost their navigation skills to get out of the cavernous stadium.

"This is a whole society built around the idea of D.C. United god-kings. Their entire world lives around the return of the god-king in March and celebrating the death of the god-kings season in September. They have carvings that appear to indicate an old religion based around warding off Wizards, Burn, Metro, Clash, and Mutiny. They appear to be a hunter gatherer society and those with the power are the ones with the guts to raid the food stalls after hours. So, if we are being honest, they really aren't that much different than the other supporters groups, they just don't go home."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the tribe's traditional hunting ground is closed and they are assigned a ticket representative who can give them a great deal on season tickets at Buzzard Point.

FIFA Nominate Mia Hamm, Holly McPeak, and Linda Gutierrez For Women's Player Of The Year

The international money laundering cartel known as FIFA, today, announced the final three players nominated for the FIFA Women's Player of the year.

As tabulated by our cadre of people who don't watch the womens game.

As tabulated by our cadre of people who don't watch the womens game.

The nominees are 45 year old retired midfielder Mia Hamm, 48 year old retired volleyball player Holly McPeak, and 23 year old Delta baggage handler/sometime rec league player Linda Gutierrez.

"We believe that we have a cross section of players that truly represent the women's game," stated FIFA spokesman Bepp Platters. "We love our women. We love them a lot. In fact, we love them so much that we want to protect them from the injuries in games by forcing them to wear tighter clothing. It's the FIFA way."

Women's soccer experts state that the list of nominated players in no way represents the actual current landscape of Women's soccer in the world. They also state that this is clearly just a disconnected FIFA paying lip-service to a game they don't really care about via a methodology that is very flawed.

However FIFA disagress as Mr Platters stated, "People criticizing our selection are clearly on their period."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the year is 2145 and Carli Lloyd is again nominated for player of the year despite having blocked everyone on every social media platform ever made.

Travelling FC Edmonton Fans Disappointed To Report That Summer Of Love Was Replaced With Summer Of Worrying About My Insurance Coverage

San Francisco, CA - Travelling FC Edmonton supporters to San Franciso for the SF Deltas game on August 26th were reportedly disappointed to find that the legendary Summer Of Love was replaced with the Summer Of Worrying About My Insurance Coverage.

Where's the hippies?

Where's the hippies?

"We thought San Francisco was going to be a hippie paradise with people playing guitar, smoking pot and hanging out in the parks relaxing," stated Edmonton fan Carl McKenzie.

"Instead it was a bunch of over caffeinated people wandering around freaking out about their pre-existing conditions, whether they were going to lose their health insurance, what that would mean for their parents, and whether they could continue living in their rented room for $2400 a month."

While having a great time watching their team take all three points on the road, Eddies fans were reportedly shocked at the level of grim faced depression that bounced around San Francisco as Americans stared at the eternal and unending car crash that consumes their lives via their phones.

"It was amazing and makes me appreciate Edmonton and Canada that much more," stated Dave McKenzie from his Edmonton home. "I'm happy to be back, AND with our three points. That August trip was still fun, though."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edmonton fans plan a visit to the great soccer cathedral of Giants Stadium to watch the Cosmos and Pele play.

Peter Vermes Complains To Fourth Official About Length Of Victory Celebration

Kansas City, KS - According to sources on the field, Sporting Kansas City head coach Peter Vermes was incensed about the length of the victory celebration for Sporting Kansas City and berated the fourth official for not bringing the raucous party to a close.

Vermes seen here in happier times.

Vermes seen here in happier times.

"This is bullshit, we have a game in 4 days and we need the ground for practice to get our defensive formations right," stated Vermes as he motioned for the officials to get the trophy celebration over so that he could run drills and wind sprints.

Vermes was upset from the moment the game kicked off after Latif Blessing was forced out of the game after being injured, and his mood didn't improve after Kansas City won the game as he reportedly berated Sporting Kansas City for, "resting on their laurels," after winning the US Open Cup.

"You call this a decisive victory? I call this a crock of shit. We give up a goal with 6 minutes left in the game? UNACCEPTABLE. We we aught to give the trophy back over to New York with the way you played. We are all going to stay here until we get our positioning right on set pieces," stated Vermes to his team.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Vermes sets up practice cones for the after game intra-team scrimmage.

"

Robert Kraft Thanks "Jay Hoops" For His Contribution To The New England Patriots

Foxborough, MA - Patriots owner Robert Kraft, today, expressed his well wishes and appreciation to coach Jay Hoops for his contribution to the New England Patriots as the coach was let go from his position, yesterday.

"Jay really did a great job with our secondary... I mean our linebackers... I mean.... what the hell DID he do?"

"Jay really did a great job with our secondary... I mean our linebackers... I mean.... what the hell DID he do?"

"We'd like to thank Jay Hoops for his contributions to the Patriots and his consistent efforts in bringing us two Super Bowl championships," stated the press release from Kraft. "Jay was always a consummate professional, a wonderful player, and a true Patriot legend. I hope he finds success elsewhere in the NFL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone informs Kraft that he owns a soccer team as well.

Tepid Juggling Skill Convinces Man It's Time To Try Out For MLS

St. Charles, MO - European soccer fan Jason West stated that his new personal best of juggling a soccer ball 20 times convinced him that now is the time to try out for Major League Soccer as he sets his sites on making it as a professional athlete.

"I watched this video a few times and these guys made me the semi-professional mostly amateur athlete I am today."

"I watched this video a few times and these guys made me the semi-professional mostly amateur athlete I am today."

West, now 31, was reportedly convinced after four weeks of intermittent practice with juggling a soccer ball he borrowed from his friend Bobby and some infrequent running showed that his athletic skill from Pop Warner youth football was not dead.

"It was tough at first, but I'm consistent now at around 20 to 30...um... ball bouncy things," stated West to The Nutmeg News. "I'm not trying out for Europe or Barcelona or Manchester United. This is just Major League Soccer. I figure I should at least be able to make the bench and then we will see how it works out from there."

Despite a sedentary job configuring cloud based architecture, West is convinced that he can make it as a professional athlete in Major League Soccer.

"It's been a dream of mine for the past 5 or 6 months after I heard my friends say how terrible the state of play is in the league. I figure that if it is as bad as they say it is, I should be able to star in this league. All I need is a month or two more of running two to three times a week and I should be set."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as West blames his 10 minute drop out from tryouts on a sickness that never fully appears.

Letter To The Editor: It's Not You, US Open Cup.... It's Me

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Hank Carmona of Petersburg, Virginia.

"It's not you, US Open Cup.... It's me. 

I'm just not ready to commit to another 90 minutes this Wednesday. Look, I'm fully aware that we had plans. I was going to sit on my couch and pretend to find a stream, you were going to get all gussied up and we were going to spend some time together.

You look great, by the way. You're strong, you'll make it through this. If anything you will make it through this better than I will. This is a self sacrifice. I know what I'm going to be missing.

I just can't do it, anymore. You'll find a really great fan who will, though. Any time now, it'll work out. You're a great tournament with great prospects, we just aren't the right fit, at the moment.

This has nothing to do with that foreign tournament I met last month. UEFA Champion's League and I are just casual friends right now. Yes, I spent last week with them, but we were just hanging out. There's this great song that we both like, and when it came on...OH, there was that electricity! It was that hypnotic dancing at the bar where we were hanging out, and that frenzied nervous bubbling feeling that I hadn't felt in some ti........ um.....ok.... look, I'm not here to talk about what's going on with me. This isn't about some fling, this is about us, and we just aren't right for each other right now.

No, it isn't because you don't speak German. Baby, it's fine.... You don't need to change for me. I'm not trying to say I'm happier with UEFA Champion's League because I don't even know where that is going. I'm just trying to set YOU free.

I'm the one that isn't working out here, I'm the one who has different feelings now than at the beginning of the year when I said that I loved you and I was just in the moment...... Ok.... admittedly, that came out bad. See what I'm saying though? I think its time for us to go our separate ways, again.

What I'm trying to say is that we can be friends, right? Let's try friends for a while and just hang out a bit next year. I promise I'll call you in March.

Thanks,

Hank Carmona"

Rec League Roundup: After 5 Minute Shift, Forward Ready For Sub

Trenton, NJ - After a particularly strenuous 5 minute shift for his team, forward Dmitri Pavlov raised his hand and called for a sub from an already exhausted bench signifying his full commitment to uselessly running around like a chicken with its head cut off until exhausted.

SUB!

SUB!

"I haven't really been running recently," stated Pavlov to The Nutmeg News. "Honestly, I haven't been doing any cardio. I know that people were depending on me, I know that we have a limited number of players any given week and I know that everyone paid good money for this but honestly, I'm tired from staying up all night to play Destiny 2."

Pavlov reportedly signed up for for The Bricklayers FC after assuring friend Dominic Hollings that he would be in shape for the season stating that he could, "run all game long, no problem."

Sources indicate that Pavlov only made it 5 minutes into the Fall season for The Bricklayers until he was asking for a substitution as the shallow bench gave each other glances to see who would replace him. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pavlov jokes on the sideline about his poor diet and training schedule.

Bailout Coming For L.A. Galaxy As League States Club Is Too Big To Fail

NEW YORK - In long letters sent to Major League Soccer Clubs this week, the league regulatory agency pointed to the dangers created by the global reach and complexity of LA Galaxy, which are bigger now than they were before the 2001 soccer crisis. League officials laid out a permanent path to playoffs for the struggling team as they indicated they would be allowing L.A. into the playoffs permanently, regardless of league position, until they can get their team solvent, again.

"WHAT DO WE WANT?" A league that lets clubs fail! "WHY?" Because we love misery for ourselves and others! "DO WE THINK THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!" NO! "THE POST PROTEST LUNCH IS AT SBARRO!"

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

A league that lets clubs fail!

"WHY?"

Because we love misery for ourselves and others!

"DO WE THINK THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!"

NO!

"THE POST PROTEST LUNCH IS AT SBARRO!"

The current arrangement of 10th place and 27 points for L.A. Galaxy could “pose serious adverse effects to the financial stability of the Major League Soccer,” the regulators said in their letter to The Nutmeg News.

The regulators this week did not come close to calling for an additional and yet unnamed player acquisition rule for the Galaxy to exploit, yet they did in effect provide backing for Mr. Garber's premise that not enough has been done to safeguard the financial system that LA Galaxy provides to the league.

“The goal to end too big to fail and protect the Franchise investor by ending bailouts remains just that: only a goal,” Mark Abbot, the deputy Commissioner of the M.L.S., said in a statement. 

The FED (US Soccer Federation) and the M.L.S., which jointly oversee the largest clubs, agreed that the plans put forward by five of the big franchises, L.A. Galaxy, D.C. United, New England Revolution, F.C. Dallas and New York Red Bull to allow permanent playoff access and unlimited player signings after the window closed for all original teams were “not credible or would not facilitate an orderly resolution under the U.S. Soccer Code of perceived fairness.”

However regulatory officials stated that they would be allowing permanent access for L.A. Galaxy to the playoffs regardless of league position in order to prop-up a diminishing fan-base capital. 

"We cannot continue too big to fail, but we must take care of our assets. With a new club opening in the same location very soon, we require solvency and relevance at every level. As such, we are prepared to deploy an incentive package to bail out L.A. Galaxy which includes playoff access, as the first step, followed by further incentives if they struggle including unlimited player signings, unlimited financial incentives, player steering and schedule reconfiguration. We are fully prepared to prop up L.A. Galaxy against the vagaries of the market," stated Mr. Abbot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Galaxy reconfigure their entire roster during the 2017 offseason seemingly in violation of whatever shadow rules M.L.S. has.

Father Questions Coach's Commitment To Sparklemotion FC

Kansas City, MO - Local Kansas City resident Peter Swick started a campaign to have U12 coach Stephen Orwitz removed as the head coach of his son's youth soccer team Sparklemotion FC, on Thursday. Using the hashtag "#OrwitzOut" Swick posted his views to Twitter and then copied the tweets to the team's Facebook group and slack channel.

"Despite what your parents may have told you, I am not the antichrist hell bent on corrupting you with NFL values."

"Despite what your parents may have told you, I am not the antichrist hell bent on corrupting you with NFL values."

"He's unfit to be a coach," Swick told The Nutmeg News, "What alerted me to this is that he uses the phrase 'offsides.' Are you kidding me? He's a coach and he doesn't know how to drop the 's' from offside? This is the first year the boys are really starting to get into the game. They're playing 9v9 and introducing more rules like the offside rule. Maybe it's time we introduced proper coaching as well."

Nutmeg News reporters spoke with Coach Orwitz who had the following to say. 

"Oh, I never really thought about it, to be honest. I grew up watching american football with my dad and grandpa and it's kind of a hard habit to break after 40 some years. I guess I never picked up that there's no 's'."

Coach Orwitz has been voluntarily coaching soccer for 5 years ever since his son started playing and dedicates three nights a week plus Saturday mornings helping encourage and coach the boys to become better soccer players. 

"He's a hack and I question his commitment to Sparklemtion FC, I question his commitment to soccer and I question his love of the game." Swick ranted online. "Supposedly he says his favorite team is Manchester United, but there's no way that's the case if he doesn't use the proper football terminology on and off the pitch. Oh sorry, I forgot we're under Orwitz's bastardization of terms leadership. I mean to say proper SOCCER terminology on and off THE FIELD. #OrwitzOUT!"

We told Coach Orwitz about Swick's Twitter campaign to have him removed as the coach. "Mr. Swick? Logan's dad? You mean the guy who shows up to the games Saturday mornings stinking of booze and wearing Premier League gear? The same one that yells over me to the boys and tells them to get in formations that we haven't taught them? I'd love to see him coach just one practice with 15 boys, 4 of which are ADHD and one of which has Tourettes. Let's see if he doesn't accidentally leave an 's' on offside." 

The remonstrations of Coach Orwitz did nothing to dissuade Swick from his campaign to remove the man as he responded, "Is he abusing the boys? Physically, no. However, some would not hesitate to say that what he's doing is nearly as bad as physical abuse. What he's doing has really long term consequences and some would say that does qualify. I'm not saying that's me, but I'm just saying that it'd be best if he were just removed. #OrwitzOut."

When asked if he would be willing to fill in as the interim coach Swick stated, "That depends. Will I have to interact with parents? I like to drink whiskey when watching Premier League games on the weekends and I usually show up to the kids games pretty buzzed. It's the only way I can watch this crap."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Swick continues his tactic of being a bully on social media and yelling at the coach from the sidelines.

Boone's Farm Named Official Wine Of The NPSL

The National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) announced a partnership with Boone's Farm as the boutique vintage wine-like beverage was named the Official Wine of the NPSL.

STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWBERY HILL!  (It's no Rock N Rye, tho)

STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWBERY HILL! 

(It's no Rock N Rye, tho)

"We are excited to work with Boone's Farm and E & J Gallo Winery," stated Joe Barone, Chairman of the NPSL. "We feel like our unique clientele and our players can empathize with the unique terroir brought to the table by Boone's Farm."

Fans across the league are reportedly excited for the new partnership saying that the fortified hangover machine will help them cope with the standard of play for some of the teams.

"Hell yeah I'm excited," stated Elm City Express fan David Hughes. "It'll help with those summer doldrum games. You ever try Watermelon on ice with some Sprite? It's amazing. You can LITERALLY feel the hangover creeping up on your brain."

Jose Guiterrez, a fan of Chattanooga FC, stated that he was, "excited for the opportunity to watch a game drinking Boone's Farm and wake up passed out in a pile of my own sick in front of JJ's Bohemia."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as branded NPSL Boone's Farm makes its way to a empty loading dock near you.

Millennial Can't Find Depeche Mode On Transfermarkt

Raleigh, NC - 19 year old soccer fan Edward Ramos was reportedly shocked that he was unable to find new NYCFC acquisition Martin Gore and his former club Depeche Mode on www.Transfermarkt.com

He looks a bit old, but he DOES look fit.

He looks a bit old, but he DOES look fit.

"I've never even heard of this club," stated Ramos to The Nutmeg News. "Are they a Bulgarian first division team? It kinda sounds German or Austrian. Did NYCFC get a veteran Austrian winger on the cheap?"

Ramos stated that he thought it was weird to announce a signing in such a haphazard way, but that with Didier Drogba going to Phoenix, recently, that it wasn't out of the realm of possibility.

"One of my friends said that he was a musician, which is cool," stated Ramos. "I wonder if he knows The Weeknd or Drake. I know that Neymar likes to play music, but his tastes are all SUPER old like John Legend. I like it when soccer players try to play music AND stay relevant."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ramos tries to find Depeche Mode on FIFA 2017.

Orlando Pride Fan Still Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume

Tampa, FL - Orlando Pride fan Heather Pulaski admitted that she is still waiting for the Orlando Pride v Seattle Reign stream to resume after riding out Hurricane Irma in an effort to see the full game as it happened.

I think it moved..... no....... no wait....... no it didn't.

I think it moved..... no....... no wait....... no it didn't.

"I know there were evacuation orders, but I really need to finish watching the Pride v Reign game. I couldn't leave because I think the stream is going to restart soon," stated Pulaski to The Nutmeg News.

A long time resident of Tampa and an Orlando native, Pulaski wasn't about to let a little hurricane stop her from being able to see Alex Morgan and Ashlyn Harris take on the Reign.

"I figured that with a streaming service I should be able to hunker down and watch the game. I rightly assumed that I'd be done watching this game in enough time to evacuate for Irma, but I've been streaming this thing since Thursday so I'm hoping it will start back up soon. I'm not about to give up now. At some point, go90 is going to fix their service and I'll resume. I JUST KNOW IT."

Pulaski noticed that the stream stopped working about 2 minutes into the game and infrequently started sputtering off and on getting her to 20 minutes before turning to a black window with a spinning circle. She fired up a hand powered generator to keep her phone running when she lost power, this weekend, as she lived in hope that go90 would actually be able to show the game in full.

"All that happened was that stupid spinning circle in the middle of the screen, but I'm going to find out what happens in this game before it gets spoiled on twitter if I have to stay watching this thing spin for the next few years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pulaski goes on year 4 of waiting for the Pride v Reign game to finish streaming.

Rampaging Fans Celebrate Timbers Victory By Gentrifying Brooklyn Neighborhood

NEW YORK - Reports came in from our affiliates in New York City that rampaging fans celebrated the Portland Timbers victory over New York City FC (NYCFC) by gentrifying Sunset Park West, a Brooklyn neighborhood.

(Nicole Craine for The New York Times) What this place needs is an artisanal salt store.

(Nicole Craine for The New York Times)

What this place needs is an artisanal salt store.

Crowds of ebullient Timbers fans were seen opening slow churn, locally sourced ingredient ice cream stores, artisanal salt stores, and 24 hour robotic kombucha vestibules in the Brooklyn neighborhood.

"WOOOOOOOOOO. TIMBERS!" yelled Donald Young formerly of Irvington, Portland who opened up a speakeasy-barber shop-liquor store-record shop-electro dance DJ supply store on 52nd street.

Reportedly, the new Portland transfers have taken to informally renaming Sunset Park to Axe Town, as an homage to their favorite sports team. 

The Nutmeg News spoke to new Sunset Park (Axe Town) residents Tom and Larry Hillsbottle, formerly of the Clinton Neighborhood in Portland, who stated that they finished closing on their new residence and would like to see the gentrification of their neighborhood stop, now.

"We purchased this place 5 minutes ago to live a real Brooklyn lifestyle and we feel that it is important to stop demolishing Brooklyn's history. Now that we are here, it's important to keep other people from getting here, including the rumored Voodoo Doughnut New York expansion that we are currently protesting with the sign on our front window that states, 'STOP THE BRUTAL GENTRIFICATION."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Timbers fans leave Brooklyn for Minneapolis next year.

Orlando City Fan Actually Excited For Orlando Magic Season, Now

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Thomas Rogers admitted that he is actually excited for the upcoming Orlando Magic season, now, after a terrible 2017 for the local men's soccer team.

JOCK JAMS! WHOOMP THERE IT IS! ARENA ROCK! 

JOCK JAMS!

WHOOMP THERE IT IS!

ARENA ROCK! 

"I didn't think I'd be saying this come September, but I'm looking forward to any sports team better than the shitshow I've been watching for the past few months," stated Rogers to friends.

"The Magic finished 13th in the East last season and, at best, are going to be excitingly bad, but at least they aren't foundering in the crime pages."

According to sources, Rogers lowered his expectations for Orlando City Soccer Club over the 2017 season until he found himself below his lowered expectations for the Magic thus allowing him to tap into some kind of perverted, enthusiastic hope for the Magic played against his disappointment in the 2017 OCSC season.

"I'm taking in more Pride games, as well. They are winning, playing well and, something that is very important to me right now, not embarrassing the community. Only a little over a month until I'm let down by the Magic. It's a great time to be alive."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rogers debates turning his Kaka kit into an Alex Morgan kit.

Man's Suggestions To Fix Supporters Group Revolve Around Him Doing Absolutely Nothing

CHICAGO - While stating that he was ashamed and fed up with the culture and behavior of Section 8, soccer fan Paul Henderson detailed his opinion online while offering suggestions to fix the group that involve him doing absolutely nothing.

"Look, I'm not a racist, but... I don't like politics mixing in my supporters groups. Everyone knows there's no racism if I don't experience it," - Paul Henderson

"Look, I'm not a racist, but... I don't like politics mixing in my supporters groups. Everyone knows there's no racism if I don't experience it," - Paul Henderson

"I've got a lot of problems with Section 8," stated Henderson before launching into a list of deeply held grievances which he never aired to anyone personally before the pressure release of an online post allowed him to explode in a squealing ball of white hot rage. "I just want the experience to cater to my experience as long as I don't have to put any effort into the experience."

Reportedly, much of Henderson's beef comes from a poor interaction with supporters in the section over 4 years ago when a sober and irritated Henderson clashed with some drunk fans. 

Insider sources indicate that it was from this point on that Henderson meticulously collected incidents that supposedly proved his verbose online rant that Section 8 were a bunch of drunks that didn't like to watch the game and were European cos-playing idiots.

"I don't participate in Section 8, have no intention of doing anything to resolve my differences with the group, and spend most of my time at the games with my arms crossed alternating between irritated disgust at the supporters group and watching the action on the field; but let me tell you why they are a bunch of assholes," ranted Henderson to an online web forum. "My solution involves me not getting involved, and having them realize what they are doing wrong from some kind of psychic osmosis where they understand my issues without interaction and understand that my words are truth and fix it themselves."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson continues to complain on line and avoid any in-person conversations that could likely fix his issues with the supporters group in the first place.

Deep Cut From Future Islands Doesn't Take Off As Terrace Classic For Crew Fan

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Charlotte Evans admitted that her attempt to get Seize A Shark, from electropop band Future Islands, utilized as a song for the Columbus Crew failed as she bemoaned the lack of song originality by Crew fans on Twitter.

Will Oliver/We All Want Someone To Shout For SOME CAPOS NEED MICROPHONES

Will Oliver/We All Want Someone To Shout For

SOME CAPOS NEED MICROPHONES

"It says something about our supporters groups that we can't all get together to sing a deep cut from the original Wave Like Home album," stated Ms. Evans. "It's a modern fucking classic, and everyone should know this electropop band that has elements of hardcore. How do you not know Future Islands?"

Reportedly, Ms. Evans was similarly upset when her attempt at getting Lazerhawk - Overdrive going failed.

"How do you not know LAZERHAWK? My god? Do you folks not listen to music at all? We just do syncopated DO OD OD OD OD ODO DOODODODODOODODODO and some jumping around in the stands. It worked for Seven Nation Army, why can't we do it with Lazerhawk? How the hell do you not know who Lazerhawk are? Next thing you know my fellow Crew supporters are going to tell me that they can't see Com Truise as a modern belter in the Nordecke. Can we at least get a Denzel Curry 'Ultimate' chant going? People know it from that Spongebob meme. CREW IS THE ONE.  DON'T WEIGH A TON. DON'T NEED TO BE NUMBER ONE TO GET RESPECT UP ON THE STREET"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Evans angrily stews in the stands at the capo conspiracy to squelch her excellent song suggestions.

United States Fans Ask For New, NEW Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

In part two of our continuing saga of, "US fans blame coaches or home field advantage rather than acknowledging that they just don't have world class soccer players because the whole system of soccer in the United States is a for profit entity that systematically excludes developing youth from most parts of society that aren't wealthy and compounds that problem by existing in a atmosphere of athletic run-fast development rather than any nuance or tactical know how," here is our copy-paste revision of our article from 2015.

After the disappointing loss to Costa Rica and the draw to Honduras, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Damarcus Beasley and Omar Gonzalez players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

It's a hard knock life, for me.

It's a hard knock life, for me.

"I find it reprehensible that Jozy Altidore is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Wondolowski would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to an unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Bruce Arena, who they were ready to bestow a sainthood upon about 2 months ago.

"It's Arena's fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions, or... you know... Honduras."

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Arena out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the World Cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

US Soccer To Shut Down After All Sons And Daughters Of Immigrants To Be Deported

CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would be shutting down after an order came in from the White House that all sons and daughters of immigrants, regardless of status, would be deported.

WELCOME TO GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES, PRESENT YOUR PAPERS TO PLAY STATE GAME OF BASED BALL.

WELCOME TO GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES, PRESENT YOUR PAPERS TO PLAY STATE GAME OF BASED BALL.

"This federation, this country and this sport literally exists because of immigrants," stated President of the United States Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "My parents immigrated to Connecticut from India when I was five years old.  IT WOULD BE MASSIVELY HYPOCRITICAL FOR OUR ASSOCIATION TO STAY SILENT ON THESE MATTERS."

Sources with the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) stated that they couldn't find a single person involved with US Soccer who wasn't, in some way, the product of immigration both by legal and illegal means as is defined by the country.

"We decided to close the whole thing down. Soccer is socialism, and it is globalism at every level," stated the director of the INS, Jeremy Thatcher. "We find that nearly every single player, every single coach, every single director came from somewhere else either through themselves directly, their parents, their grandparents or their great grandparents. Many of them weren't aware that their parents and grandparents immigrated to the United States illegally. They just accept that since they were born here that this means they are fine. WELL THEY AREN'T AND THEY ARE TAKING OUR JOBS AT RIGHT BACK. So instead of just maliciously targeting Latinos and Mexicans like we usually do, we are just going to go after everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Geoff Cameron personally volunteers to deport anyone ahead of him in the depth chart.

Cleveland Man Takes Blame For United States Loss

Cleveland, OH - Every four years soccer fan David Thorne stated, "We Didn't Play Hard Enough," as he accepted the blame for the lack of energy during the United States loss against Costa Rica in World Cup Qualifying.

"We just couldn't compete. It was tough, it was hard, but we just couldn't compete."

"We just couldn't compete. It was tough, it was hard, but we just couldn't compete."

"We were just lackluster all night long," stated Thorne as he admitted the problem with the energy and passion in the team. "When we went up the field, there wasn't any cohesion. I kept screaming at Jozy to pass the ball or take a shot, but he didn't listen to my advice. We just couldn't get it together."

Friends claim that Thorne was merely standing at Merry Arts drinking a beer and shouting at the television in a nearly incoherent manner before crossing his arms and glaring at the television through a rapidly emptying beer for the last 60 minutes.

However, Thorne continued to insist that he was responsible for the United States loss in a wide ranging interview with our reporters. "We just didn't take the advice that Arena gave us, and we didn't feed off the positivity of the crowd. Tim and Geoff and Darlington and Bobby, we just weren't playing well together. I mean, you can't play well if you are nervous and we were nervous. I just wish we would get our shit together."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorne continues to admit his culpability in the first goal as he states, "we were too wide and I was yelling at Tim about that ALL NIGHT LONG"