NPSL Supporters Group Experiences Massive Membership Growth

Mishawaka, IN - The Fozzie Bears, an NPSL Supporters Group, stated that a membership drive and reach out program for the upcoming season succeeded as they experienced massive growth for the 2017 season with a 100% increase of supporters to bring their membership to a bulging group of four.

Scintilating Action! THUNDEROUS support!

Scintilating Action! THUNDEROUS support!

"Well, Jerry talked to Sam," stated Director of Membership, President, Treasurer and T.I.F.O designer for the Bears, Larry Esterhaus. "Sam talked to his wife Kym and they both bought some tickets. This year we are going to be a force to be reckoned with, in the stands."

Reportedly, with their supporters section doubled to four, the Bears are planning some new elaborate displays and chants for the 2017 season.

"We are already planning on really getting involved making T.I.F.O for the season," stated Esterhaus. "I'm planning on bringing some fabric over to Jerry's house for our poker and beer night and we are going to see what we can make with a bunch of sharpies. It's going to be amazing. I've also got a bunch Kenny Loggins chants for this year. Nothing says topical chants like digging up a song that will guarantee everyone knows how old you as you sing it to a bunch of unpaid amateurs who weren't even born when Kenny Loggins was at his peak. As we say, MishaWAKA-WAKA-WAKA! Go Fozzie Bears! We are the best supporters group in the land!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fozzie Bears dissolve into disagreement over Capo Jerry's insistence of using a megaphone to direct the other three members in chants.


Jeff Plush Replaced By An Inanimate Pot Of Geraniums

CHICAGO - According to reports from the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), Jeff Plush was finally replaced as NWSL Commissioner, after stepping down, by an inanimate pot of geraniums which immediately gave a terse, "no comment," on the North Carolina HB2 law, any further league expansion, and the transfers of Carli Lloyd, Crystal Dunn and Alex Morgan.

"I have no comment."

"I have no comment."

The pot of geraniums did indicate that it took on the role as commissioner until a suitable long term replacement could be found for Plush as it truly loves the game of soccer and really needs to have fertilizer every two weeks to encourage growth.

"We feel that the pot of geraniums can lead us to a bright future," stated the Deputy Commissioner of the NWSL, a half buttered slice of toast. "With the season about to begin, it was incumbent upon us to ensure that we had a commissioner in place and a plan for growth. There is no better representative of the US Soccer commitment to the NWSL than this pot of geraniums and we feel like it will be a great representative going forward."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Geraniums makes another "no comment" statement on the Houston Dash and the new Texas bathroom bill.

New Study Proves That A Drunken Idiot Will Be The Fan From Your Team Interviewed On Television

A new study by the Hollbrook Society, in conjunction with the RAND corporation, proved conclusively that a drunken idiot will be the fan interviewed by local and international news when they come to your town, soon.

"That fan that sits near you that everyone hates? Coming up on sports after the break!"

"That fan that sits near you that everyone hates? Coming up on sports after the break!"

"We studied set up fan interviews, fan on the street interviews and anything that was set up ad-hoc for a pre/post game interview," stated Director of Statistics and Broomball theory Theresa Spande. "Our data proved, conclusively, that the fan that the international and local news will interview is nearly 100% guaranteed to be a drunken idiot incapable of forming any kind of complete or coherent sentence."

Researchers say that the demographic, in the United States and Canada, of the fan interviewed is likely to be Male from 20 to 35 years old with a blood alcohol level of .08 or higher with a 50% chance of wearing a national team kit or English team kit to a club game with a front office scarf.

"We noticed that they typically appear highly intoxicated, and have a 60% chance of resorting to some kind of patronizing speech patterns. There is also a 75% chance of a 'woo' statement in place of some kind of meaningful information, as well as a decent chance of the fan referring to the interviewer by their first name, if the interviewer is an attractive woman."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we look closer at the data that proves that the guy you know that spent most of the morning downing tequila in the parking lot is the one now talking to the British reporter about the upcoming game and fan culture in North America.

"Look, I Need An Article On Bastian Schweinsteeger Up In 30 Minutes... I Don't Have Time For Facts Or Spell Check"

"No, I don't have any time for this shit. I've got a blog to update, phone calls to make, work emails to answer, two daily scrums to attend in the morning and another at 4:30 pm, a number of bills that I haven't set to auto-pay and a crippling inability to stop scanning instagram.



Here is what I'm going to rely upon.... Wild hyperbole? Check. Blanket Statements? Check. Gross generalizations based upon his age? Check. Positing questions about Bastian to myself in a written format and then answering them exposing my general lack of ability to generate a narrative other than questioning myself? Check.

We all know that the lack of playing time and where Schwien.. ugh.. ok.. look lets talk about his last name. I don't have time to spell check this shit. I need this blog post up NOW. Hell, I needed this blog post up about 2 hours ago. We all know it means pig something Pig Schteiner. Something to do with beer or thatching or some shit. 

Also, I just got an email from MLS saying he is signed, so this blog needs to get updated NOW. NOW NOW NOW.

Wait, which world cup did he win? Screw it, I'm just going with World Cup Winner, as well. Thanks for the tip, random email.

Now I'm going to answer these work emails, call Richard and Ted, file a report from Friday and then I'll finish writing this post. Dammit! Ives scooped my first angle and Hot Time In Old Town already has their post up. Well, no time to wait, I'm just going to run this shit anyway.

Ok, here we go. It's YOLO time! Do kids say that anymore? PUBLISH!"


Humble Atlanta United Fan Only 75% Certain That Team And Supporters Are The Best In The World

Atlanta, GA - Humble Atlanta United fan Sam Regenold admitted that he was only 75% certain that the team and supporters groups of Atlanta United are the best in the world.

La Bombonera? oh... bless their heart.

La Bombonera? oh... bless their heart.

"I can't, in all confidence, state that Atlanta United and our supporters groups are the best in the world," stated Regenold to The Nutmeg News. "I'm just 75% certain that we are the best in the world. You see our crowds? Enormous. You see our games? Electric. I'll tell you that we would take down the star studded Chelsea, Barcelona and Madrid with the simple passion that we have in the stands before our starting 11 ripped them apart on the field. Those international fellas would have a shit-fit, I'll tell ya what."

Regenold revealed, to this reporter, that it is his firm belief that you can't compare Atlanta crowds to their North American counter parts.

"You have to look at the rest of the world, when you talk about Atlanta United. You have to look at the Balkans, at Italy and Sweden. And they don't even have a Varsity, there. You can't get tuned up on onion rings in Serbia. Try drumming to a beat with grease covered fingers. It's difficult."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Regenold searches "Atlanta United Fans" on twitter in order to educate the haters about the Atlanta United crowd.

Revolution Fan Watches Each Game With Conflicting Emotions

Norton, MA - New England Revolution fan David Winters admitted that he watches each Revolution game, this season, with conflicting emotions as he desperately wants the Revolution to be good, which would prove that Winters was wrong about the 2016 offseason.

Not a great start, but then again... it IS a small sample size.

Not a great start, but then again... it IS a small sample size.

"I don't want to be right, but I am right," stated Winters to The Nutmeg News. "I'd rather be wrong, I suppose, and have the team actually be... well... you know... good. But if I'm going to be right and the team is going to be bad, than at least I was right about it and recognized it early."

Winters spent most of the 2016 off season talking about how the Revolution never addressed any of the glaring weaknesses of the team from the 2015 season and that he was convinced that they were going to struggle this year. 

"Look, I don't want to be right. I don't need to be right. I'd rather be wrong, but I wasn't wrong. I was right. And as painful as being right about the team that you love being awful can be, well... I guess that at least I saw it coming. That's really the best I could hope for, at this point. We DID score a goal, so we have that going for us."

Friends of Mr Winters pointed out to him that the season is only two games old, but this did nothing to sway the opinions of the Revolution fan as he categorically stated, "Heaps is out by July. Book It."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Winters watches each game hoping to be wrong.

Basque-Italian-American Excited To Have Excuse To Drink For Three Straight Days

NEW YORK - Basque-Italian-American Billy Buzetti admitted that he was absolutely excited to have another excuse to drink for three straight days as St. Patricks day dawned with a pint of Guinness in his hand and an obnoxious green hat on his head the team.... oh.... VILLA... GO VILLA... Er... NYCFC. the team.... oh.... VILLA... GO VILLA... Er... NYCFC.

"I've got St Paddy's today," incorrectly stated Mr. Buzetti. "I've got March Madness for the foreseeable future, the Premier League in the morning, the NYCFC home game tomorrow, more MLS all day if I decide I care, the premier league in the morning on Sunday and somehow more college basketball. I'm going to be drunk for a long, long time."

Reportedly, the lack of Irish ancestry gave Mr Buzetti an even stronger desire to associate himself with the United States cultural tradition of getting absolutely shithoused on a random Friday.

"Woooooooooooo!" reported Mr Buzetti as he downed another pint of Guinness and asked for a bloody mary. "Let's go Irish and I'm going to need to find a ride or something out to the Bronx tomorrow for the game. Anyone want to give me a seat, in their car?"

Here's a seat.

Here's a seat.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Buzetti plans to get really drunk, sober up a bit for lunch and then start drinking again to catch up.... you know... for the Irish or something.

Tim Howard Plans On Checking Passports To Ensure That No One Crosses The Line

Denver, CO - After enlisting in the Don't Cross The Line initiative promoted by Major League Soccer (MLS), goalkeeper Tim Howard indicated that he would personally check players passports to ensure that no one crosses the line.

Bruce will make the USMNT great again, right Tim? 

Bruce will make the USMNT great again, right Tim? 

"I'm a firm believer in borders. I'm a firm believer in patriots. I'm a firm believer that there's no more sacred duty than standing for your national anthem. I'm a firm believer that you don't need to vote to talk about any of the above, and I'm a firm believer in America for English speaking Americans," stated Howard to The Nutmeg News. "I plan on ensuring that no one crosses the line without my say-so."

Reportedly, Howard confused the diversity, equality and inclusion initiative by MLS to mean that the league was working to keep dual nationals from taking Howard's job. 

"It's my prerogative to state that we are a nation of English speaking Americans who don't need passionless immigrants coming in to take our soccer jobs. I still think it was a... disgrace that the entire post match ceremony of the Gold Cup was in Spanish. You bet your ass, if we were in Mexico City the ceremony would not be all in English. CONCACAF should be ashamed of themselves. DONT CROSS THE LINE!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard patrols the Arizona/Mexico border in a rented Humvee.

Rogue MLS Accounts Arrive To Spread Dank Memes After League Crackdown

 LOS ANGELES - What started as one "unofficial resistance" Twitter account has grown to a list of... well... one "unofficial resistance" twitter account after Major League Soccer (MLS) executives upset about dank memes and viral gifs cracked down on the Los Angeles Galaxy.



Within the last few hours, @RogueLAGalaxy was set up on twitter by someone claiming to be within the team front office to allow the dissemination of hastily cobbled together gifs, references to Cozmo, and erotic prose featuring Mike Magee's chest hair. 

"THE MEMES MUST FLOW," stated the twitter account which already is verified and sending out information on discount ticket sales for the upcoming Galaxy game against Montreal. "We are the resistance. We are the underpaid. We are the gif'ers in the night. We strike back against the league hegemony. We will be using this for our LinkedIN profile," claimed the account as they tweeted out photo-shopped pictures of Baldomero Toledo in a clown costume.

The start of rogue, resistance MLS accounts has purportedly spurred other teams to capitalize on this trend with the Portland Timbers stating, "We will have a rogue account eventually. Good for branding. Stay tuned."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS attempts to find the whistle-blowing memers in their midst.

Expected Goals Tells Fan Nothing About Her Team

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas fan Virginia Reynolds admitted that Expected Goals did not tell her anything about FC Dallas and their week two result against Sporting Kansas City.



"I looked at the numbers, and they seem like a reflexive arbitrary set of data points that don't really reflect anything that would really concern me long term," stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. 

"At first, I was afraid that I was missing some grand metric that would illuminate what the team is doing, but then I realized that expected goals adds absolutely nothing to my life or my enjoyment of the team. Expected goals, for me, shows nothing other than the metric that it is and even that isn't something that is vitally important to the understanding of the game of soccer. I've gotten a very zen approach, now, to expected goals in that I know it will show up full of fury, signifying nothing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reynolds attempts to understand how expected goals will tell her, in conjunction with the Audi Player Index, how FC Dallas are going to play against Pachuca.

Soccer Blogger Working Overtime To Shape Data To Fit Narrative

Philadelphia, PA - Blogger David Thornberry stated that he was going to be working overtime in order to shape the data that he acquired on the passing metrics of Michael Bradley to fit his narrative.

"Regardless of whether my supposition is true or not, I need to ensure that the data I collected fits the idea that I had in the first place," stated Thornberry to The Nutmeg News. "I didn't do all this work, write this piece, and collect this data to have my post fall apart because somehow they don't fit together."

Reportedly, Thornberry came up with a hypothesis on the effectiveness of Bradley in the midfield for the United States National Team before he actually had any data to back it up. He then spent weeks writing his column before realizing that the information that he collected likely did not support his thesis. 

"It's important to understand that things don't always go your way, but finding that your collected data doesn't support your hypothesis doesn't mean you should stop," stated Thornberry. "You just need to ensure that you crop, cut, dissect and massage that data until it forms a goop that you can use to plaster that column together. After all, you have a blog to update and factual information isn't going to keep me from posting an article full of hyperbole and assumptions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thornberry relies on his "Damn The Torpedos" methodology to generate more pieces on analytics in the game.


Allegations Of Weather And Match Fixing In Minnesota As FBI Close In On Heat Miser Cartel

Minneapolis, MN - Allegations of weather and match fixing during the recent Minnesota United and Atlanta United game were stated as the FBI announced that they are closing in on the international Heat Miser Cartel

They both root for United.

They both root for United.

"We  believe that what we have here is the attempted match fixing of an MLS game by two notorious criminals," stated FBI director and Fancy Feast gourmand James Comey. "We understand that there were a high number of unusual betting patterns being placed by known associates of the Heat Miser Cartel. As well, members of the Snow Miser Yakuza were inquiring into the variability of soccer contests by weather manipulation, according to deep cover operatives."

"They waged an all out war on each other. Snow, blood, gore and viscera on every street corner. It was hell on earth. This game was just a pawn in their struggle for control," -- Deep Cover Operatives

"They waged an all out war on each other. Snow, blood, gore and viscera on every street corner. It was hell on earth. This game was just a pawn in their struggle for control," -- Deep Cover Operatives

Sources with the FBI indicate that the Heat Miser Cartel and Snow Miser Yakuza had a substantial amount of money riding on the game and Snow Miser operatives stated that no South Town soccer team was going to win in Minnesota.

"Heat Miser paid off the referees. Snow Miser countered by dousing the stadium in snow, thinking it would hinder the SouthTown players. The war escalated out of control," stated the FBI operatives known as Operation Brass Bells. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the FBI investigation into the Heat Miser Cartel continues.

Kellyanne Conway Accuses USL Teams Of Being Turned Into Cameras To Spy On Donald Trump

WASHINGTON - Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President of The United States, stated that USL soccer teams were turned into cameras, last season, to spy on Donald Trump during the 2016 Presidential race.



"Just like your common kitchen microwaves, USL soccer teams like the Pittsburgh Riverhounds, St Louis FC, and the Charleston Battery were turned into cameras by President Barack Obama to spy on Donald Trump," stated Conway to The Nutmeg News. "We all know that there are teams spread around the country. The amount of teams in the USL allowed Barack Hussein Obama to run a comprehensive surveillance group by soccer teams on our President Trump on specific Saturdays and Sundays across the United States."

The Nutmeg News reached out to some of the USL teams implicated in this scandal and received no reply thus confirming every lurid and insane detail the the counselor to the President would suggest.

"We all know that the NASL did this as well," continued Conway. "However, the New York Cosmos would not participate. They are true patriots and President Trump will not forget the names of the glorious patriots that aren't immigrants or Muslims on their team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Conway accuses the NPSL as being infiltrated by paid alt-left communist sympathizers and black bloc dissidents.

American Soccer Fans Very Excited For Utterly Meaningless And Overpriced Barcelona/Madrid Game

Soccer fans the nation over were, reportedly, passionately inflamed with interest and excitement as the American edition of El Cashico was announced with the Real Madrid v Barcelona game to be played in Miami on July 29th.





"I'm very excited," stated Deryk Fayweather of Orlando. "I plan on purchasing as many tickets as I can and reselling them to make a profit off idiots who think that this game actually matters. It's going to be a good Christmas in the Fayweather house this year."

North American based fans of the two teams were unabashedly thrilled at the possibility of paying way too much money for a terrible seat to watch uninterested players faff about on the field.

"My god in heaven," exclaimed Barcelona fan Matthew West of Kansas City. "This is going to be great. I am already making plans to attend this game until I find out how much it is going to cost me to attend this game, then I plan on making pithy comments about it on twitter."

With the game scheduled for the doldrums of July, many fans of Real Madrid are reportedly worried about who will actually play.

"If Ronaldo isn't going to play, I'm not going," stated Sandra Sothersbee of Nashville. "I'm only going to this game if I have a chance to make a really big deal about how he stands over the ball on a free kick only to then check out of the game emotionally after I realize that no one really cares."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people figure out how to squeeze money from North American soccer fans.

Entire Sounders Season Rests On Result Of Game Two

Seattle, WA - Unbeknownst to most Seattle Sounders fans, sources indicate that the entire season rests on the result of game two of the Major League Soccer (MLS) season against the Montreal Impact.

"We looked at the data. We crunched the numbers," stated the Director of Statistics, String Theory and Juvenile Lyrics at Johns Hopkins, Carla Overbeak. "Basically the entirety of the season for the defending champions will come down to game two against Montreal. Win and a veritable golden shower of riches awaits. Lose and they might as well just pack it all in, abandon the season and try to set everything back up for 2018."

Reportedly, fans were unaware of this development as many Sounders Fans seemed to indicate that their perspective was one of the long game of waiting for the second half of the season. However, "maths don't lie," stated Overbeak.

"Trust us. We fed these numbers into a computer. This is absolutely 100% accurate. A loss tomorrow will end the career of Brian Schmetzer, the Space Needle will be ransacked by Brougham End Air Pirates and the underground people of Bainbridge Island will finally announce themselves ready to take over the mainland. It's going to be chaos."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we secure an interview with the mole people.

"Promotion/Relegation Would Prepare Arsenal For Champions League," State Experts

Soccering experts around the New Jersey and Denver areas agree that promotion and relegation implemented in the English leagues would better prepare Arsenal for the UEFA Champions League.

What a bunch of schlubs.

What a bunch of schlubs.

"Arsenal was just placed in the Champions League, just like Minnesota. I mean, they basically bought there way in. If England had promotion/relegation this would have prepared them for the rigors of the Champions League. Instead what you have are two back-to-back 5-1 games, just like Minnesota United in the so-called Major League Soccer (MLS)," stated Promotion And Relegation advocate Dick Whitting. "Everyone knows that Promotion and Relegation would have prepared the team through merciless capitalism to prepare for the rigors of a home and home against Bayern Munich."

Reportedly, Whitting's nonsensical rambling included statements as to the vagaries of implementing a multi-tiered national structure that would make the English team the victor of the Champions League.

"We need to implement true P&R in North America in order for our clubs to compete in the CONCACAF Champions League and the English need it to compete better in the Champions League. We can make this dream happen!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Whitting finds more things about which to complain.

Usage Of "The MLS" Causes Universe To Implode Into Stark Nothingness

Earth, Milky Way - Denizens of Planet Earth were dismayed to find out that usage of "The MLS" as a league descriptor by online blog The Wall Street Journal caused the universe to implode into stark nothingness as the entirety of mankind was truly wiped out by a gramatical error, late Monday evening.

HAIL SAGAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

HAIL SAGAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Researchers for the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) stated that they are not surprised that everyone is now dead as earlier in the year the Large Hadron Collider, during a production data run, manifested information that the usage of THE MLS and total apocalyptic galaxy inversion was bound to happen.

"It may seem insane, but it does appear that the stability of our galaxy is tied to the usage of Major League Soccer (or MLS) rather than THE and the aforementioned," stated scientist and tap dancer Lavonne Sanderson.  "Over a period of time we explored string theory, chaos theory, the big bang, God, everything... but it actually is the usage of MLS over THE MLS that causes existence to continue unabated. And, as we found out, the Wall Street Journal just killed us all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we report from the darkside of the moon on Alpha Beta Base Shatner as we live our final moments in peace with the singular thought that out there somewhere is a satellite hurtling towards a civilization that will know nothing of our The MLS

Clap 👏 Emoji 👏 Overuse 👏 Ruins 👏 Salient 👏 Point

CHICAGO - A thoughtful and salient point, on Twitter, about the opening weekend of Major League Soccer was ruined by an overuse of the clap emoji which caused many followers of @breathefootballUSA to skip right over the tweet in question.



"We thought that the clap emoji would be a great way to get the interest of more people," stated David Whithers, director, president, vice-president and dictator pro-tem of Breathe Football Networks (a Tripod webhost organization). "There's been a lot of use of the clap emoji on soccer twitter recently. We wanted to get on the bandwagon. We may have gotten on the bandwagon too late."

Reportedly, dozens of fans of the site immediately skipped by the tweet in question as they stated, "Oh great, not that shit again," while trying to find gifs of the David Accam goal.

National pollsters Gallup reported that people in the age range of 0 to death are tired of the twitter clap emoji meme as new polls show that 9 out of 10 people just hate anything to do with emojis, with the 10th person being a serial killer named EMOJIBOB who uses clap emoji's to tag his crime scenes.

"I guess the clap emoji is pretty dead," stated Whithers. "However, we are going to start using On Fleek, next week. That's still on fleek, right?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Whithers discovers the difference between Bey and Bae.

United Draw As United Lose Big As United Lose Late

The opening weekend in Major League Soccer (MLS) was eventful as United lost late after United drew after United lost big.

The total number of "United" teams expected in Major League Soccer

The total number of "United" teams expected in Major League Soccer

"We thought that United might struggle this year as we also thought United would be better this season as we also thought that United played pretty well," stated MLS statistical analyst Jeremy Gouche. "We also thought that United played better than we thought United would play and was only second to our overall thought that United also played very poorly at times, but also very well in their draw."

Reportedly fans were both elated, upset and nonplussed at the results for United this weekend as they were looking forward to next weekend.

"United are going to dominate next weekend, but we also expect United to lose and United may also lose or draw," stated Gouche. "So set your fantasy lineup to make certain you include United players, but also don't include United players, and maybe pick up this United player because he is going to be ok against the matchup."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as United play United while United wait for United.

"That'll Put That Woman In Her Place," States @ussoccer

CHICAGO - US Soccer today stated, "that'll put that woman in her place," after enacting bylaws that mandate players stand for national anthems in response to their fragile sensibilities being hurt by the stance of Megan Rapinoe.



"WE... THE COLLECTED OLD MEN OF US SOCCER ARE VERY SCARED BY THESE DEVELOPMENTS OF  PLAYERS... SPECIFICALLY WOMEN... DOING THINGS WE DON'T LIKE," stated the press release from US Soccer that dictated the new rules. "We only accept conformity and absolute adherence to decorum."

Insiders report that US Soccer is completely fine with xenophobic and bigoted comments by their players and staff but WILL NOT STAND for someone kneeling during an anthem.

"Making comments about players not born in the United States not being American is fine, but if you refuse to stand for an Anthem... well CONSARN IT... WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT.  OR WE WILL... ITS VERY CONFUSING," stated Sunil Gulati.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer forces players to sign a blood oath to defend the land against infidels, before every game.