Kombucha Speakeasy Opens Adjacent To Audi Field Supporters Section As Nearby Seat Prices Rise

WASHINGTON - A Kombucha Speakeasy named "Moreno's Hideaway" is set to open at the home of D.C. United, Audi Field, as seat prices in the area of the Speakeasy are rising as a result of the new business opportunity.

 Go DC United. I don't say Vamos because it is cultural appropriation.

Go DC United. I don't say Vamos because it is cultural appropriation.

"What we are seeing here is the same thing we've seen in Shaw, Columbia Heights, Eckington, and Petworth" stated director of urban development for the district, Carl Edwards. "Rapid gentrification has pushed out the original inhabitants of their area and made way for exclusive and sometimes aspirational shops that cater to new clientele."

With the speakeasy opening, property value next to the hidden Kombucha dispensary has tripled as members of the Screaming Eagles clamor to be the ticket holders next to the stores in section 135 they look to patronize.

"They say that this ticket used to belong to a Salvadorian named Eduardo," named one season ticket holder who wished not to be named. "However, I got it at a deal. Now that I'm here, I'd like to really see the neighborhood charm improve. I hear that they are opening up an artisinal donut shop in section 134 and that ticket value is going up 300% overnight. I'm very interested in some property close to that, I'll tell you what."

Not all D.C. United fans are please with the development, however, as long term resident of D.C. United games Hector Gutierrez mourned the loss of his fellow fans.

"There used to be Salvadorian and Mexican families right over there," motioned Gutierrez to the horizon. "Right next to them there used to be some single families that I knew who used to attend ticket by ticket. They've all been pushed out of the stadium now. I heard a kid on this block who is called Kaiden. Kaiden... man. I miss my friends, now. I'm the last of a dying fan, on this ticket block, and when I'm gone, all the Latin American flavor is gonna be gone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an artisinal salt shop opens in section 133 that creates a rush of gentrification moving out of the supporters section into some comfortable seats away from the "urban boundary."

Seattle Reign Implement Supporters Group Loyalty Oath Program

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Reign front office, today, instituted a new loyalty oath program for their supporters groups where they mandate that all members of a supporters group must swear unwavering fealty to the front office of the Reign.

 "...and I swear to not use ANY naughty words, ever."

"...and I swear to not use ANY naughty words, ever."

"To speak out against the Reign front office is tantamount to treason," stated Seattle Reign owner and President Bill Predmore. "We will require all members of our supporters groups to swear an absolute loyalty oath to the front office of the team and the employees thereof."

Insider sources with the Reign say they are tired of criticism from their own fans of game-day operations and the way in which the supporters groups are run by the Reign. The loyalty oath will require a signed statement that indicates the fan in question will never publicly criticize the front office, the game-day operations, the stadium, the bathrooms in the stadium, the concessions in the stadium or the security in the stadium, and especially not the front office run supporters group.

"Fans come and go," stated Predmore to The Nutmeg News. "But the front office is forever and you need to swear to this front office that you will not speak out against it in order to receive tickets in the Royal Guard. It's only a natural extension of our national predicament in which unpatriotic loudmouths are trying to ruin the country. We will not let that happen to the Reign and we will vigorously crack down on any and all supporters of this team if they are not 100% in lock step with everything that comes out of the front office."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Royal Guard ask for permission from the front office to attend the next home game.

Area Soccer Fans Disappointed By Home Run Darby

WASHINGTON - Area soccer fans that turned out for the Home Run Derby were reportedly disappointed in the D.C. spectacle.

homerun-derby-pic.jpg

"I've been a passionate, lifelong supporter of Dumbarton FC," said Silver Springs native Brad Chadderson, "But I thought I would give this darby a go. I must say that I've been quite gutted that I don't get to see the lads on the pitch,"

"I was all collywobbles to attend," stated soccer fan Sandra Evans of Baltimore, MD. "I thought the darby was gammy and I didn't expect the organizers to to make such a cock-up.  I was coming out to see Rooney!"

Not everyone was disappointed in the activities as Roger Dilbow of Bethesda, MD really found some enjoyment in the comparison of the Derby to a game familiar to all Americans.

"I watch the Ashes on Youtube pretty religiously, so I feel like I get the basic idea," stated Dilbow to The Nutmeg News. "The bowler delivers the ball to the batsman, who attempts to strike it, and if it crosses the boundary without touching the pitch, he is awarded a run. I'm chuffed to attend this local Darby!"

Our reporters spoke with Chad Bradderson of Alexandria, VA who attempted to pick one of the local eleven. "I'm not sure who to support," stated Mr Bradderson.  "The only club I know is Boston, because of the American version of Fever Pitch. Is there a Croatian player? I found out on http://Ancestry.com that my great-great grandfather was born in Slavonia so that's close enough for me. This is truly eventful darby, even if the rules make no sense. It reminds me of PKs -- sorry, penalties."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we pour a pint of bitter, order in a curry and some chips; and sit down to watch the lads in the derby.

 

CORRECTION: This article was originally titled Home Run Derby, and it is (of course) Home Run Darby.

Google Search Function Crashes As American Sports Writers Look Up Population Of Croatia

THE UNITED STATES - The Google search function crashed immediately following the England v Croatia game as sports journalists across the United States looked up the population of Croatia in order to utilize that statistic in their lede, columns and analysis about the game.

Croatia.jpg

"I was planning on writing about how Croatia is the size of some random po-dunk town in the United States," stated one anonymous Sports Illustrated writer.

"I was going to write a scathing column comparing the size of Croatia and the size of the United States in condemning the US Soccer Federation development tactics," stated one anonymous Washington Post writer

"I just needed some filler to open up my column," stated and ESPN FC writer on a deadline.

Engineers with Google say that searches of "Croatia Population" spiked 1000% over such searches as, "Is Harry Kane's mouth always that way?" and "Where does Mario Mandžukić play and is he related to Mario Lemiux somehow?" and "How can I connect Lebron James to Luka Modric."

"Look, I just need the information for my stinger so that I can pepper my column with some insight," stated an SB Nation blogger who was working for free and unable to pay his water bill.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as multiple columns contrast Croatia, Uruguay and the United States in terms of size and player development.

Strange Man In Company Bathroom Exuberantly Cheering Bowel Movement

NEW YORK - A strange man in the company bathroom of Cophesus Enterprises was reportedly exuberantly cheering his bowel movement as he yelled, "COME ON, GET STUCK IN," while stamping his foot.

Which-bathroom-big.jpg

People on the 15th floor of the IBM Building at 590 Madison Avenue report that the man, who is identified only by his brown leather shoes, took up residence in the stall around 2:00 pm, and has been vociferously cheering since then.

"I went in to take a leak and he just yelled, 'HELL YES,' while banging on the stall doors," stated copywriter Nathan Henderson. "Honestly, I'm a bit afraid to go back in there if he is trying that hard to poop."

Co-workers with Cophesus Enterprises state that it has to be an employee that works there as the restroom has a code lock on it, but no one is willing to look in the stall to verify who is struggling so much on the toilet.

"I just asked him if he was ok," stated compliance officer Steven Bowman. "He responded by screaming, 'OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, IT'S COMING HOME! ITS COMING HOME!' To be honest, I think I'm going to report this to human resources."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a debate emerges on whether they should call the building security on the individual whose now been in the stall for over 45 minutes.

Area Man Not Certain What Happened With D.C. United Supporters Groups

WASHINGTON - Area man Wayne Rooney stated that he wasn't certain what happened with D.C. United's supporters groups, but that he planned to attend the upcoming inaugural game at Audi Field anyway.

 "Made up to get this clobber."

"Made up to get this clobber."

"Me head’s chocka," stated Rooney to The Nutmeg News. "Made up to be there, though, like, honest. Is right, that stadium."

With D.C. United effectively banning the District Ultras and Barra Brava from Audi Field, the collected supporters groups are planning a march on the day of the first game at Audi Field against the hand over of the supporters section to only the Screaming Eagles, a group that negotiated with the United front office behind closed doors.

"Yeah, I'll be proper devoed if it affects the atmosphere," stated the befuddled Rooney. "I don't know, though. I just say, 'Lad, it’s none of your business, stop gegging in,' but lads keep asking me if it's boss. I'm just going with an open mind. These moaning arlarse fans are doing me head in. Soz abar you, but 4 months and I'll see if I'm back."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to ask Mr Rooney if he knows what's going on with the D.C. United Supporters Groups

 

Local Expert On La Liga Is Now Local Expert On Serie A

Henderson, NV - Paul Williams, a local expert on La Liga, announced that he fully transitioned to being a local expert on Italian football league Serie A by way of a 15 Tweet thread on the impact of new acquisitions after it was announced that Cristiano Ronaldo would be moving to Juventus.

 "This is Livorno, they are a really right wing team that plays in Sicily"

"This is Livorno, they are a really right wing team that plays in Sicily"

"Y'know, I've got some personal history with Serie A and Juventus," stated Williams on his account @SoccerExpert24325632 to his 100 followers as he did not indicate exactly what that connection actually was. "While I've been reporting on Madrid for the past 9 years, I've got a vast amount of knowledge on Serie A and all the teams that play within that league and exactly what is going to happen with Ronaldo signing for Juventus."

According to friends, family and Williams extended Facebook strangers that he roped into his own group called North American Football Opinions, Williams has taken to all forms of social media to expertly prognosticate on the Italian league despite only really caring about it for the past 4 hours.

"Anyone saying that I've only followed this league for 4 hours is just fake news," stated Williams. "I've always had a relationship with Juventus since FIFA autopicked them for me last year. I've got an in depth knowledge into the players and history of the league. I just didn't talk about it because it was important to talk about La Liga. Now it is important to talk about Serie A. You can expect a full diagram of Ronaldo's upcoming goals and which game will have his first hat trick coming on my blog, instagram, twitter, reddit and facebook account very soon."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams googles, "Who won the Serie A championship during the 2017/2018 season," and, "Does Serie A have promotion/relegation."

Player Song With Three Words Too Difficult To Learn And Get Going

Salt Lake City, UT - Reports from the collected supporters groups of Real Salt Lake (RSL) indicate that a recent song for Albert Rusnák that contained a total of three words was entirely too difficult to learn and get going as the song died a quick death after being tested in the RSL supporters groups.

Rusnak_Headshot.jpg

"Look, this isn't complex," stated songwriter David Quizzens to fellow Salt Lake supporters who looked back at him with blank stares as they reflexively crossed their arms indicated their absolute lack of desire to sing.

"It's three fucking words, can you just try? Here... I'll start it for you... it's Love Shack, you guys know Love Shack, right? RUSNAK... ALBERT RUSNAK OHHHHH.... RUSNAK... ALBERT RUSNAK," screamed Quizzens as he noticed two men near him cough and sit down to talk about their upcoming trip to Moab.

According to everyone around Quizzens, they indicated that the song was too difficult to learn and get going as, "not everyone is going to get the B-52s, David."

The list of excuses as to why his fellow RSL fans would not sing this song included the following items:

#1 Too obscure

#2 Too many words

#3 Not enough words

#4 Not modern enough

#5 Not classic enough

#6 Too dumb

#7 Not dumb enough

#8 It doesn't befit a player of his skill

#9 It's not better than the song that Tim over in section 27 tried to get going.

#10 Not a true terrace classic from back when I used to attend those games at the Den, now those were a day when we wrote songs for local legends who knew what their pound was worth.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Quizzens vows to never support another player song by anyone else because of this absolute travesty.

 

American With German, Argentine, and Brazilian Heritage ALSO Once Had A Layover In Brussels

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German, Argentine, and Brazilian heritage that he recently remembered that one time after college where he had a layover in Brussles and watched a national team game in bar as his futile grasp towards a World Cup team enters its death rattle phase.

adidas-belgium-retro-jersey (4).jpg

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria and my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina, and yes my grandfather's second cousin's wife was from São Paulo, Brazil," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today I've always found myself rooting for Belgium after I really experienced the local football scene there in a train station."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze bothered to exclaim this new found loyalty as the second goal for Belgium went in against an Brazilian side that seemed outclassed on the day, but they accepted his Belgian waffle with measured patience as Heinze removed his pictures of Neymar and Pele and replaced it with a picture of Thibaut Courtois.

"Ok, just fuck off with all this shit," stated good friend Claudia Gonzalez as Heinze walked out of his bedroom wearing a never-worn Belgium top at half time.

"It's important for me to display my affiliations during this World Cup," stated Heinze as he completely ignored her statement. "I'm not just a German fan or an Argentine fan, or a Brazil fan, but I feel strongly connected to that moment 10 years ago where I was watching a game in Brussels. It was at a very pivotal part of my life as I just had discovered hopped beer and the football and it influenced me greatly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant French cousin, just in case.

Landon Donovan Announces Retirement From National Soccer Team

LOS ANGELES - After Mexico was knocked out of the 2018 World Cup, former Club Leon substitute Landon Donovan announced his retirement from supporting the national soccer team.

"This story has ended. We gave it our everything until the end," the former Liga MX midfielder told reporters after the match.

"It was a crazy match, in which we didn't start well but we recovered and we turned it around. But their second goal did so much damage to us. It cost us so much to lift ourselves up again. From this point on I will be just another fan. It is over. The illusion is shattered."

The 36-year-old played a full 1 minute in the commercial for Wells Fargo which marked his biggest commercial of the year.

Donovan, who played in six games for Club Leon, made his debut for the Mexican side in 2018. In his time with his side, Donovan failed to win a major tournament.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Donovan un-retires to support the United States during the Gold Cup as Mexican fans feel the full betrayal of his legacy.

Brazilian and Mexican Actors Shine In Russian Community Theater Production Of Hamlet

Samara, Russia - A community production of Hamlet is receiving reviews as an imported cast of Mexican and Brazilian actors thrilled the packed stadium who witnessed some of the finest acting they've ever seen.

 “One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. ”

“One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. ”

"I've never seen such dramatic acting," stated local Russian fan Lulia Stepchenko. "They committed to the process, to the desperation, to the truth within in a way that was truly credible. When Neymar bellowed out and thrashed around on the field in a petulant fashion you could truly imagine that he was mourning the death of Ophelia."

Not all reviews were positive as art critic Jefferey Evans of New York stated that he didn't believe Neymar when he portrayed the betrayal of Hamlet by Claudius by rolling around and grabbing his ankle.

"It was entirely unbelievable. Claudius doesn't hit Hamlet in the ankle, he slowly and methodically plans out his revenge before succumbing to Hamlet himself. This kind of play acting may go over well in Paris, but in New York he would certainly be removed from the stage."

However, Mr. Evans opinion was clearly in the minority as the organization putting on the play, FIFA, already ordered a repeat production of the theatrics as they plan an elaborate staging of King Lear featuring the Brazilian acting troupe and a soon to be named group of actors from Belgium or Japan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Neymar submits his ankle scream for Tony Award consideration

American With German Heritage And Argentine Heritage ALSO Has Brazilian Heritage

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German heritage and Argentine heritage that he recently discovered that he ALSO has Brazilian heritage... on his grandfather's second cousin's wife side of the family.

Brazil3.jpg

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria and my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina ," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today my grandfather's second cousin's wife was from São Paulo, Brazil."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze bothered to exclaim this new found loyalty as the fourth goal for France went in against an Argentinian side that seemed outclassed on the day., but they accepted his transition into a Seleção ultra with measured patience as Heinze removed a picture of Lionel Messi and replaced it with a picture of Neymar and Pele.

"How many of those training tops do you have," stated good friend Claudia Gonzalez as Heinze walked out of his bedroom wearing a never-worn Brazil top. 

"It's important for me to display my heritage during this World Cup," stated Heinze as he completely ignored her question. "I'm not just a German fan or an Argentine fan, but I feel strongly connected to that side of the family that I've never met who decided to marry a Brazilian many years ago.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant French cousin, just in case.

Wayne Rooney Added to MLS All-Star Roster

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced that former Everton midfielder Wayne Rooney will be added to the Major League Soccer All-Star roster to be played on August 1, 2018 after his acquisition was announced June 28th by DC United.

 Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play  Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid 

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid 

"The fans have spoken and Wayne will be suiting up for the MLS All-Star game after his stellar start to the season," stated Commissioner Don Garber. "We all know that Wayne is an All-Star and this selection proves that Major League Soccer will be one of the biggest leagues in the world by 2022, or 2026, or 2030, but definitely by 2022."

Insiders state that Rooney's contract includes a mandate that he is always an All Star since he first heard the song by Smash Mouth whilst watching the biography Shrek.

"This is what, now and where against who?" Reportedly asked Rooney when told that he would be playing against Juventus in Atlanta, Georgia.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a translator fills Rooney in on what exactly an All-Star Game is and where Atlanta is and where Washington DC is and where his team currently is in the league.

FOX Executives Shocked To Find Out There's A World Cup For Women After Julie Foudy Tweet

LOS ANGELES - Executives with FOX were reportedly shocked to find out that there is actually a World Cup for Women after being corrected on a statistic by two time World Cup winner and two time Olympic Gold Medalist Julie Foudy.

Fox2.jpg

"Who woudla imagined that the dames woulda had the moxy to pull that together,": stated FOX executive Dick Richards. "What with this women's lib, they are getting more and more involved in the sports, which we know isn't good for their women stuff."

The Nutmeg News reached out for comment on Mr. Richards statement, but we were told that he was unavailable to comment after being promoted to senior management with FOX News.

However, sources within the newsroom at FOX indicate that they were simply shocked to find out that Women play soccer as they stated, "WOMEN? WHAT WITH THEM MENSTRUATION AND STUFF? THEY PLAY? Won't they just die out there?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FOX News asks whether the Women's World Cup is eroding traditional family values.

American With German Heritage ALSO Has Argentine Heritage

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German heritage, he ALSO has Argentine heritage... on his mom's side of the family.

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today, my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze didn't bother to bring this up until roughly 5 minutes ago, but they accepted his transition into an Albiceleste ultra with measured patience as Heinze moved a picture of Lionel Messi into the living room of his apartment and emerged from his bedroom with a never worn Argentina training top.

"It's important for me to display my heritage during this World Cup," stated Heinze. "I'm not just a German fan, but I feel strongly connected to that side of the family that I've never met who decided to leave Argentina over 150 years ago."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant Brazilian grandfather, just in case.

United States Soccer Federation Announce Post World Cup United States Victory Tour

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced a post World Cup United States Victory Tour with tickets released now for a hungry public awaiting the return of their conquering heroes. 

Brazil2.jpg

"We are excited to welcome back the victorious 11," stated Carlos Cordeiro, President of the USSF. "Our boys played hard over the past year and we want to reward all the fans who want to come out and watch them take on World Cup teams like Mexico, Brazil, and England."

Insiders with the USSF indicate that the federation needed to make up money after a disastrous World Cup qualifying round where the team wouldn't have been able to defeat a team of kittens with gloves on their paws.

"We need the money," stated one source to The Nutmeg News. "We are using money from the USWNT victory tour to pay for the marketing on this victory tour, so it's important for the USSF to start making that money back."

Initial reviews of the prices on the tickets available indicate that they are appropriately priced for a hellscape, ruinous capitalistic society dedicated to fleecing everyone out of their money.

"I can't wait to contribute back into the federation so we can continue our utter dominance of the Gold Cup," stated online soccer fan Thurston Hubert. "They need more money and I say let's raise ticket prices until they don't sell so we can find the upper limit of the market place! CAPITALISM!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the victory tour rolls on.

World Cup Watch Party Is A Resounding Success

Boston, MA - A World Cup watch party held by Brandi Lipping was reportedly a resounding success as the 24 year old soccer fan invited 10 of her friends over to her darkened, air-conditioned apartment where they all stood around silently ignoring the television screen playing the game while looking at Twitter, Reddit and Facebook on their cell phones as they scrolled through the endless cavalcade of horrible news that dumped all over their future and their friends future with alarming frequency.

 "Finally, 90 minutes where someone doesn't stop me from trying to catch up on all the horrible, unending bullshit that is out there in the world"

"Finally, 90 minutes where someone doesn't stop me from trying to catch up on all the horrible, unending bullshit that is out there in the world"

"I had a great time," stated 23 year old Robert Henderson. "It was nice to go to a watch party where no one was super aggro. It was just laid back and this was the first time this week that I had enough time to actually catch up with what is going on. I'm working two jobs and the only day I get off is Monday afternoon so this was my only time to decompress for 4 hours before I get home and try to binge watch The 3% on Netflix until 2:00 am because of the endless, unending dread that I feel before I realize I have to be back up in 4 hours at 6:00 am for my morning shift at this job that I fucking hate."

Good friend Theresa Alvarez was reportedly thrilled with the watch party as she stated, "yeah the games were a blast. I actually had 10 minutes of uninterrupted peace before I got a message from a stalker that I've been trying to report on Twitter who keeps harassing me and sending me threatening messages. I've blocked him 10 times, but he keeps creating new anonymous accounts and Twitter won't do anything. I'm pretty much going to have to kill my profile, but it's the only way I can try to put out my part time work as an illustrator. If I didn't have that outlet to show my work all I would have left is my job working at Trader Joe's and the unending misery of taking care of my Mother who moved in with me after she had surgery for breast cancer and couldn't afford to pay for her house anymore."

New friend Jacob Czynski stated that he was honored to have had the opportunity to attend the watch party as it, "Finally gave me time to work on my resume, because I can't do that at work and I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of working the graveyard shift at Massachusets General." Czynski also stated that this shared event really made him realize the importance of connection so he reached out to his old friends in Orlando and sent them a Marco Polo video on the way home.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alvarez loses her job at Trader Joe's after the company won't allow her to have any time off to take care of her ailing mother who just found out that her insurance company will not be covering any further treatments after she lapsed in payments and didn't tell her daughter.

 

 

26 Stanza Version Of Pink Floyd's "Money" (In 7/4 Meter) Not Catching On With Fellow Fans

Atlanta, GA - Robert Edward's 26 stanza version of Pink Floyd's "Money" (in 7/4 meter) written for Atlanta United player Darlington Nagbe is reportedly not catching on with his fellow fans as Edward's attempt to pass out a 4 page songbook for the terrace classic did not allow the song to take root.

AtlantaUnited.jpg

"It's a simple timing signature where the drums are going to allow the fans to sing over the top, we just all need to memorize these lines before the next game," stated Edwards to The Nutmeg News.

Edwards reportedly blasted out his version of the song on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and even Instagram in his attempt to get this new track for Nagbe going for the fans of the Five Stripes. However, there was some push back as he needed a 16 tweet thread in order to send out all the lyrics to this masterpiece.

"The song isn't too long if you spend a few days memorizing it," stated Edward's to his twitter feed. "I don't see how you can call yourself a fanatic for this club if you can't memorize every one of the mostly individual stanzas that I created for Darlington Nagbe that journals his entire career in soccer both internationally and for Atlanta."

Friends state that Edwards was reportedly upset at leadership in Terminus Legion, the Resurgance, the Faction and Footie Mob for not supporting his Magnum Opus for Nagbe as he stated that they were, "not showing leadership if they don't print and distribute his song among all the fans across the stadium."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edwards calls for a T.I.F.O with the lyrics of his masterpiece that will allow everyone to understand the lyrical complexity that he built into this song.

 

Major League Soccer Announces Fan Attendance Driven Relegation For Current Franchise Cities

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) on Thursday announced a major development in their business structure with Fan Attendance Driven Relegation for current franchise cities as they stated, "No city that currently has a team is safe, anymore."

The fledgling league indicated that their desire to move franchises around to different cities will now be based entirely upon the performance of the fans at the gate. If fans in cities like Dallas, Houston, New York, Columbus, or New England do not show up with enough season ticket numbers they will move the team from that location to another location while keeping the nickname, tradition, front office staff and players.

"The bottom 3 teams in fan attendance will be removed from their cities, every year," stated MLS President Mark Abbot. "This move will happen regardless of success on the field, so if the MLS Cup Winner comes from Dallas, but they don't show up in the regular season, we will be moving them immediately following that season. It's important to note that we have no problem moving FC Dallas to Albuquerque if Albuquerque will show up in larger numbers than Dallas. This is a business not a charity. We are here to turn a profit and if fans won't compensate us we will move any and every single franchise to wherever we want. We will allow those fans to continue operating in the USL if they have a USL team, but they will be officially relegated from MLS. Honestly, we can all blame the fans for this, they are pretty awful."

According to inside sources, the league has already scouted a move for every team in the league regardless of current status with current standouts like Atlanta, Seattle, Kansas City, and Portland all being slated for moves should their attendance drop off.

"We will relegate those teams to another city immediately if there is even a 5% drop off in attendance, so this is really on the shoulders of the fans," stated Abbot. "We can't be to blame if the fans are to blame. It's really their fault that the team is moving, or terrible, or mismanaged.."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS floats moving the Houston Dynamo to Boerne, Tx for six months just to see how things work out.

God Announces Delay In Prayer Response Due To World Cup

HEAVEN - God, the all-knowing, all-seeing ruler of the parts of earth that believe, announced that there would be a significant delay in prayer response due to the World Cup.

 "There's a problem in quadrant D9.  Can we get an MOD to the prayer phone, please?  MOD to the prayer phone."

"There's a problem in quadrant D9.

Can we get an MOD to the prayer phone, please?

MOD to the prayer phone."

"We've hit a full on overload situation," stated God to The Nutmeg News. "With all the prayer requests coming in from World Cup fans I haven't even had time to get to the people with illness, the poor, the destitute, the troubled, the sinful or the unbelievers."

According to insider sources with the Supreme Being, God had to diversify the prayer response to other sources as heaven contracted Shiva, Krishna, Lakshmi, Buddha, Odin, Loki, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and even Satan to help out. 

"Beggar's can't be choosers," stated the Almighty who tried to respond to a praying Spanish fan standing at his home in Madrid. "I've even got Jesus and Mohammed off their little vacations to come help out. You ever work in a phonebank with those two? It's just jokes, jokes, jokes and then I find out that Jesus is drinking 'water' the whole time. My me, it was difficult."

According to reports, some prayers were answered incorrectly as a man looking for a win for Colombia actually received englightenment and reportedly gave up on the sport of soccer to write a novel.

"There will be plenty of time to fix things after this is done, but I can't wait to see what...um... Ronaldo... yeah.... Ronaldo is going to do this time," stated God. "To be fair, I'm taking another vacation in 3 weeks, so honestly you guys are on your own for a bit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as God intervenes in one of the World Cup matches just to mess with a parlay placed in a Las Vegas sport book by Steve "t-bone" Howard.