"This Is The Year I Enjoy Fantasy Soccer," Claims Delusional Fan

Oklahoma City, OK - Delusional Oklahoma Energy fan Coleen Warner claimed that, "THIS is the year I enjoy Major League Soccer fantasy soccer," before logging in to create her 2018 team.

FANTASY! SWORDS AND SORCERY! Ureñaexpelliarmus

FANTASY! SWORDS AND SORCERY! Ureñaexpelliarmus

"Granted I didn't stick with the game in 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and 2011, but that was different. THIS year I'm going to stay committed beyond week three to finishing out the league and actually enjoy myself," claimed Warner before her friends started subtly laughing at her. 

While Ms. Warner has continually created a team only to forget half way through the season that they even existed, she is adamant that this is the season of change.

"It's going to happen. I'm enjoying it all. I'm actually studying players and trends that successful fantasy players use to achieve success in their leagues. I'm actually going to remember to log into my team each week to adjust my team based on injuries and I'm planning on continuing even if my team loses massively in week 2," stated Ms. Warner to The Nutmeg News

Friends of Ms. Warner claimed that this is all hollow talk that she uses every year to talk herself into playing a game that is just fundamentally not that much fun.

The Nutmeg News spoke to friend Laura Ingrahm about Ms Warner and she had the following to say, "Once the Energy season kicks off she will forget all about this. Nobody cares about the points that Jalil Anibaba gets you in week 6 when you forgot to log in for the past 4 weeks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Warner continues to believe that this is the season for fantasy fun.

D.C. United Offer La Barra Brava, La Norte And The District Ultras Premium Seats In RFK Stadium For 2018 Season

WASHINGTON - After a dramatic showdown over who has the rights to the supporters section in Audi Field came to a head, a chastened D.C. United offered La Barra Brava, La Norte and the District Ultras premium seats in RFK Stadium for the 2018 season.

The sign of unified supporters groups is doing the same T.I.F.O twice at the same time. next to each other.

The sign of unified supporters groups is doing the same T.I.F.O twice at the same time. next to each other.

"We care about our supporters groups and that is why we've excluded three of them from the supporters section and exiled them to RFK stadium," stated Tom Hunt, President of Business Operations. "They seem to love it there so we are just going to ensure that they are seated exactly where they love to be and we can continue in our quest to ensure that our supporters groups are in partnership with our ideal demographic."

The news broke recently when it was announced that the Screaming Eagles would have exclusive rights to the Audi Field supporters section and would be the only supporters group selling tickets for the section. 

When asked whether this was fair for the other supporters groups that stood by their side over the past 22 years the Screaming Eagles stated, "Who?"

D.C. United fans who stand with La Barra Brava, La Norte and the District Ultras state that the front office is using a partnership between it and the Screaming Eagles to isolate the three groups and stop them from existing, but the front office says it couldn't be farther from the truth.

"We don't want them to stop existing, we just want them to stop coming to the games. See the difference? That's why we are opening up the lower bowl of RFK to whomever wants to come see the nothing that is put out every week. It'll be just like the 2013 season but without the US Open Cup."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Screaming Eagles and D.C. United front office backpedal and claim they were misunderstood.

 

Orlando City Begin Plans To Acquire Luis Robles At The End Of 2018 Season

ORLANDO - Orlando City stated that they were beginning plans to acquire Luis Robles from Red Bull New York after the veteran goalkeeper was named team captain for 2018 thus assuring that he will be traded during the offseason.

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"We are excited to put in a bid for Luis and we can't wait to acquire him," stated CEO Alex Leitão. "We believe that Luis will be a great acquisition for us and give us a calming presence on our back line."

Fans of Red Bull New York indicated their displeasure in the player being named captain as the 6 year Red Bull player has weathered many storms in his career.

"I JUST bought a Robles kit," stated Jim Webbing of New York. "To hand this man the captaincy after all he's done? How could they do that to him!?"

With insider sources saying that Robles departure is now inevitable, a behind the scenes bidding war has begun for his services as many teams are already moving theoretical money for other theoretical money in order to be prepared to offer more theoretical money to New York when the time arises for them to trade Robles.

"I can't wait to see Luis in Purple," stated Orlando City fan Jeff Gutierrez. "The fact that we would be getting another captain from New York just shows our ability to attract talent."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans bemoan the appointment of Robles to the role.

National Journalist Spends Extra Hour Correcting Number Of Gs In Gregg Berhalter Story

WASHINGTON - National soccer journalist Thomas Willis reportedly spent the last hour scanning through his in depth review of the Columbus Crew and Gregg Berhalter looking for the number of Gs in the head coaches name.

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"Every time I think I have it fixed, I find another Greg instead of Gregg," stated Willis to The Nutmeg News. "I've reviewed in 4 times and I keep thinking I'd find one and then it's there again. And while I'm searching for misspellings I'm consistently updating the story which means I have to go back and make certain I didn't spell it wrong again."

According to his editor, Willis stated that he was determined to not have to update the column after it was published as his last column contained two Gregg references and two Greg references.

"It's not going to happen again," muttered Willis to himself at his keyboard. "I'm going to make it through without another Greg."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Willis realizes that he incorrectly spells Berhalter in the first sentence of the piece.

 

Only Two More Weeks Until Procrastinating Fan Finally Starts Working On T.I.F.O. Idea

TORONTO - Only two more weeks remain until procrastinating soccer fan Susanne Fellows works on a T.I.F.O idea at the last minute for her beloved defending MLS Cup champions, Toronto FC.

"I've got the genesis of an idea that is percolating around in my brain, but I plan on not working on it until the 24 hours before first kick on March 3rd," stated Fellows to The Nutmeg News.

Fellows has long stated, "You can't rush the process," which is just code for inability to commit to something until the deadline is breathing down her neck.

"I just need some further inspiration," stated Fellows on her Instagram group chat as she continued to put off the tracing and painting of the much discussed two-pole/two-stick. 

According to friends, Fellows plans on attacking the T.I.F.O like she attacked her term papers in college. That is, with much caffeine, cigarettes, panic and a late night listening of Meat Is Murder by The Smiths.

"It's going to work out just fine," lied Fellows to herself as he prepared again to work under the gun before first kick.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fellows attempts to make a last minute change only to realize that the original design she finished in January was far superior.

NWSL Waiting To See If Any Other Teams Are Going To Go Out Of Business Before Releasing Schedule

A spokesperson for the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) stated that the league was waiting to see if any of the other teams within the league are planning on going out of business before the league releases the 2018 schedule.

We remember when Kansas City had a championship women's team.

We remember when Kansas City had a championship women's team.

"We need to keep costs low," stated managing director of operations Amanda Duffy. "If another team goes out of business we would have to re-print the promotional calendars that we are distributing to realtors in the Orlando area."

According to sources within the league, after losing Western New York Flash, the Boston Breakers and FC Kansas City within the last 3 seasons, the league put an emphasis on ensuring that they wait to see if any other teams are going to go out of business.

"It's important for us to do a health and well being check with each of the teams in the league before we release the schedule," stated Carla Holman of the NWSL. "We need to ensure that we aren't going to release the schedule and then find out that Sky Blue are completely insolvent. Wait.... Sky Blue ARE still around, right? Someone put in a call!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the dramatic fluctuations of a nascent league prove troublesome for the soul of women's soccer fans across the nation.

Liverpool Fan Casually Suggests Valentines Lunch At Soccer Bar

San Diego, CA - Liverpool fan Sean Driscoll casually suggested to his girlfriend of 5 months Sandra that they have a special Valentine's Day lunch at Shakespeare Pub & Grille while forgetting to mention that Liverpool are playing Porto in the Champions League at 11:45 am.

Well......... Their kits are red.

Well......... Their kits are red.

Stating, "I love you honey. I took some time off work today just for you! Let's get lunch SMILEY FACE EMOJI," Discroll took his deception to unknown heights as he stated that Sandra had, "Always wanted to go try some English bar food, right?"

Friends and family state that they told Driscoll that this will probably, "Not go well." However, the diehard fan stated his intention to combine the things he loves into one giant mishmash of feelings.

"Nothing can go wrong with this at all," stated Driscoll as he steamed ahead into dangerous waters. "This is going to go great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it, reportedly, does not go well when Driscoll becomes aware that his girlfriend is a Manchester United fan.

USSF President Announces Cuts To Food Accessibility For GA Ticket Holders

CHICAGO - Incoming US Soccer Federation (USSF) President Carlos Cordeiro released, on Tuesday, his new budget detailing austerity cuts to stadium food accessability for people holding general admission tickets as his attempt to, "reign in spending on social programs," begins.

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President Cordeiro's new budget would severely restrict the kinds of foods that GA Ticket recipients could buy during US Soccer Games.

"No more of this Thai curry with chicken, gourmet tacos and Sushi roll stuff, " Stated Cordeiro to The Nutmeg News. "We're done with this. We aren't here to contribute to the social well being of those in General Admission and the cheap seats. That was the old way, the new way is you get Bud Light, Peanuts, and maybe Popcorn on Sundays if you are good and don't say anything about the 2018 World Cup qualifying campaign."

Cordeiro continued his comments on the GA Ticket holders stating, "If they can't afford to actually pay for real seats, they don't need things like craft beers and fancy food. Save that for those that actually care to support the team for real. GA might as well be FL for freeloader. The people who pay real money to see the games are tired of carrying their sorry asses. Hopefully this will encourage them to go out, get a job, pull themselves up by their bootstraps and buy better seats. If they want to contribute more money to our organization we can talk about some pupusas."

Cordeiro's proposal would require people who pay less than $100 a ticket from the federation to get about half of their stadium food in the form of a “USDA food package,” rather than getting fresh cooked food every time, TNN repoirts.

"We will have a lovely collection of frozen freedom fries and cold USDA Beef-ish hot dogs for anyone who sits in GA," stated Cordeiro.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as stadium's across the US say, "what will be different?"

"I Prefer the Aesthetics Of 'Live At Jittery Joes' Over The Polished Feel Of 'In The Aeroplane Over The Sea'," states Bespectacled Graham Zusi

Kansas City, KS - A bestpectacled and bearded Graham Zusi stated emphatically that, "I prefer the aesthetics of 'Live At Jittery Joes' over the polished feel of 'In The Aeroplane Over The Sea,' as he commented on the legacy of legendary band Neutral Milk Hotel during a wide ranging interview on Monday.

"You can really feel the authenticity in the tone of LAJJ. I'm planning on writing a thesis about post-war influences on the identity of Jeff Mangum that I will release to my zine."

"You can really feel the authenticity in the tone of LAJJ. I'm planning on writing a thesis about post-war influences on the identity of Jeff Mangum that I will release to my zine."

As Zusi took an unpopular opinion about the legacy of Jeff Mangum's passion project, he artfully pulled off his glasses and gesticulated wildly as he spoke at length about a variety of intersecting thoughts.

"Peter really has us play like we are recording Avery Island, which is to say very gritty and very committed to the process. We take influence from the intersection of nature and the thoughts of what Mangum meant when he sings, 'With their hearts hanging open all over the sheets,' from A Baby for Pree. I mean, I feel like that isn't so much an observation as it is a dialectical method indicating contra-knowledge sharing and the gegenpress."

Family say that Zusi spent the last 3 months of the MLS offseason locked in his bedroom repeatedly listening to In The Aeroplane Over The Sea as he started a pastiche art project of newspaper clippings.

"He hasn't been the same since he told me that the music was speaking to him," stated Peter Vermes. "I was really hoping he meant in a way that made him excel at he beep test."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zusi announces his application of Zoroastrian imagery in his new art project, "out wide with the ball at my feet".

Man Entirely Too Reasonable For Soccer Twitter

Denver, CO - Stating, "I just like a place where I can have a conversation with my friends," Twitter user and Rapids fan Phil Spooner was exposed as being entirely too reasonable for Soccer Twitter.

See!? He is even smiling. What a jerk.

See!? He is even smiling. What a jerk.

"He never says anything controversial and just likes to use the medium for information on his favorite players and finding out what his fellow fans are doing," stated friend Austin "@KroenkeOut9999" Thurgood.  "I tried to get him to join an online conversation about the overall finances, ownership struggles and direction of the Rapids over the past few years and he stated that he thought that it could be better but that he thought that he would wait out the season before making any rash statements about the direction of the team. What a dick. I don't come on this website for intelligent and well thought out arguments, Phil."

Sporting a whopping 78 followers, Spooner's Twitter account last posted some very positive messaging about a great dinner experience, an entry into an MLS Sweepstakes and his excitement over the 2018 season.

"It's important for me to really think about the consequences of what I'm for and against before making a blanket statement about something," stated Spooner to The Nutmeg News. "I like to collect all the information, figure out the facts and then verify that what I'm thinking about is correct. Often times what I'll find is that some bias or personal issue of mine is blinding me to an obvious fact that resolves the aggrieved feeling I have towards that particular item. In which case, I feel relieved that I haven't tweeted about my aggrieved feelings."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Spooner is slowly corrupted until he starts posting emoji hot takes about Carlos Cordeiro.

After Failing To Get Rose, ABC Confirms Eric Wynalda To Be Next "Candidate"

After failing to get a rose from Sunil Gulati during the US Soccer Federation presidential election, fan favorite Eric Wynalda was confirmed by American Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) to be the next Candidate on the hit television show The Candidate.

Rose.jpg

"We think Eric will be a great contestant on The Candidate," stated Channing Dungey, executive VP of drama. "We know that many people connected with him during his time on the USSF Election and we feel like he will be a great asset for us on the new season."

Dungey confirmed that Wynalda will be interviewing for a number of different federation positions throughout sports as he tries to find the right position that will allow him to implement change.

"Eric will be going on interviews with the US Ski Federation, the US Luge Federation, US Figure Skating, and 12 other federation candidates. It will be a passion fueled enterprise that will allow him to work to change these federations for the better."

Fans are asked to look out for the Hot Tub Confessional when the clothes come off and the conversation becomes sensual.

You won't want to miss a second of the action when The Candidate premieres MONDAY, MAY 22 9|8c on ABC.

"Carlos Cordeiro Has Been In Charge 30 Minutes And Hasn't Implemented My Demands That I Wrote Down In Blood And Mailed To The USSF Two Months Ago"

Richmond, VA - Soccer fan Paul Williams stated that he was frustrated with the new US Soccer Federation President elected roughly 30 minutes ago as he stated, "Carlos Cordeiro has been in charge 30 Minutes and hasn't implemented my demands I wrote down in blood and mailed to the USSF two months ago."

"Ok, this isn't going to work, how do I make MORE of a statement!"

"Ok, this isn't going to work, how do I make MORE of a statement!"

According to Williams he reached out to US Soccer via an irate letter posted from his hometown of Richmond where he scrawled in blood all the important changes he thought was necessary and detailed the high level conspiracy between SUM, US Soccer and the Mexican federation to keep the US Docile and unable to compete for the World Cup.

"He's had 30 minutes and I haven't seen ANY of the sweeping changes I demanded," ranted Williams to his Facebook page. "I didn't expect much, but I did expect him to immediately demand an end to pay to play and a path forward for the deportation of Mexican-American dual nationals that don't want to play for the United States, the greatest country in the world."

Sources with US Soccer indicate that they did receive the rambling statement, however the letter was immediately thrown in the waste bin for obvious reasons.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams arguments are taken to Twitter for the next 10 years.

Man Migrates Prized Collection Of StubHub Soccer Ticket Receipts During Email Transition

DALLAS - Soccer fan Randall Williams stated that he was most concerned with his prized collection of StubHub soccer ticket receipts as he finally works on the migration of his email off Hotmail to Gmail, on Thursday.

Oh! the memories are flooding back of .... um.. wait... I need to view and print... ok, why is this having an issue. Dammit, ok,... it opened in a new window? Or, maybe my adblockier? It's gotta be my ad-blocker, except it worked last week. No, look it is still on my phone from the last time I forwarded it except fo.... oh wait, look it's a text from Donald. Hey DON! HOWS IT GOING BUDDY WINKYEMOTICON. Nice... ok, back to the tickets... yeah, memories... man.

Oh! the memories are flooding back of .... um.. wait... I need to view and print... ok, why is this having an issue. Dammit, ok,... it opened in a new window? Or, maybe my adblockier? It's gotta be my ad-blocker, except it worked last week. No, look it is still on my phone from the last time I forwarded it except fo.... oh wait, look it's a text from Donald. Hey DON! HOWS IT GOING BUDDY WINKYEMOTICON. Nice... ok, back to the tickets... yeah, memories... man.

"Look, this is my ticket for USA v Trinidad," stated Williams to The Nutmeg News after fumbling around for 5 minutes trying to get the search function to work. "Here's my ticket for MLS Cup 2018 and 2016 and 2015. I tried to figure out how to get Michael Bradley to sign my electronic ticket receipt, but I couldn't seem to get Adobe Acrobat to work fast enough to allow Michael to create an electronic signature so that I could paste it into the ticket."

Williams collection of tickets spans to a pre-electronic age when he created shadowboxes to mount his ticket stubs from his tour across America of professional baseball stadiums.

"With soccer it's mostly done online, these days," stated Williams. "I just gotta keep the memories alive with my StubHub receipts. Hopefully I can figure out a digital way to mount these so I can see them and not keep finding them in my search when I'm trying to find a new ticket for a new game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams inadvertently designates all StubHub related email as spam that should be deleted.

General Allocation Money Seeking Fresh Start In Toronto

TORONTO - Toronto FC, on Tuesday, announced that they acquired General Allocation-Money from DC United in an effort to give the league financial asset a fresh start in the midfield of the MLS Champions.

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"I've been looking forward to this move for the past few weeks," stated General Allocation-Money to The Nutmeg News. "I don't want to talk out of turn, but I wasn't being utilized properly by Ben Olsen and the DC United front office."

Sources indicate that Mr Allocation-Money began seeking a fresh start after it became clear that D.C. United had no intention of using it during the 2017 or 2018 or 2019 season.

"GAM just needed a new start and a new perspective," stated Toronto FC manager Greg Vanney. "We plan on utilizing him extensively and we know that he can see the results we've had with other money in the past."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Allocation-Money finds it difficult to adjust to the Toronto real estate market.

"I'm Going To Really Pay Attention To The Mutiny This Season," States Emotionally Devastated Robert Kraft

Foxborough, MA - An emotionally devastated Robert Kraft stated, "I'm going to really pay attention to the Mutiny this season," as he decided to throw himself into the soccer team he owns as a way to get over the recent Super Bowl loss to the Philadelphia Eagles.

Source: The Krafts Are the Worst Owners in the League http://www.bostonmagazine.com/news/2014/03/25/bob-kraft-worst-owner-new-england-revolution/2/

Source: The Krafts Are the Worst Owners in the League http://www.bostonmagazine.com/news/2014/03/25/bob-kraft-worst-owner-new-england-revolution/2/

In a tear stricken statement aboard his personal G650 jet to his personal assistant and valet Stephens, a devastated Kraft admitted that the only way to get over this personal failure was to throw himself full time into, "the Mutiny or whatever the hell the name of the team that I own is other than the Patriots."

Sources indicate that Kraft indicated a number of areas that he could improve, "The Mutiny," stating, "What they need is a used soda machine. My friend Bill has an excellent Patriots branded soda machine that I can get from him and it's only been used to store expired cream cheese for the past few months. I can also get them an official Tom Brady supplements and holistic reiki session as well with 5 free videos by Tom on how these supplements, along with a positive mental attitude, will result in dating a Supermodel."

As well, the Patriots owner stated that he plans on spending heavily in the transfer market as he allocated an additional $26 for players from South America, this season.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft attempts to look through the Revolution season preview before getting bored and putting on the 2017 Super Bowl highlights.

"Sports Are Very, Very, Very Serious Business" - Letter To The Editor

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Hank Carmona of Petersburg, Virginia.

"Dear Nutmeg News,

I write to you today because I am a man. I have a penis. I have testicles. I know that sports are very, very, very serious business.

There is no humor in sports. There is no whimsy or cute.

There is only rugged, chiseled, strong men coated in mud playing under lights whilst old men in hounds-tooth hats smoke cigars and talk about the whishbone formation.

We must cleanse our palate of the idea of humor in sports. 

I WAS a soccer fan until I read your loathsome site and now I know categorically that soccer is terrible and I'm selling everything that I own and returning to only watching Football, a pure game.

You cannot make fun of things. Your website is trash. I am a man so I say these things with authority.

One cannot compare our sport of gladiators, in the NATIONAL: Football League (GOD BLESS AMERICA) with your puny sport that I used to love until I read this website.

One cannot write an article that seems so desperately cloying for hits. It's almost like you don't care at all about the public perception of your sport, which is shit anyway. Your sport is trash and you clearly know this and you are just reaching out in some endeavor to make yourself feel bigger. I am a man, I know this to be true.

You should understand your place in the hierarchy. We are all consumers hell bent upon ingesting slow motion shots from NFL films of the great Raiders teams. When you compare your sport to any other sport you fundamentally weaken your sport. As a representative of your sport you are responsible for every single recruitment effort made towards fans and because of this you show why soccer will never make it in the United States. This ill-advised femi-nazi article about the greatest GOD GIVEN GAME ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET, the Superb Owl, will be the reason that no child will ever watch your loathsome game. 

In short, I am very uncomfortable with all of this and I make my legally allowed demand, as a man, for you to stop such comparisons, columns, articles and poor attempts at humor.

Kind regards to your mother Midred,

Hank Carmona

Husband Of World Champion Julie Ertz Wins Regional Sports Trophy

Minneapolis, MN - The husband of World Champion soccer player Julie Ertz won a regional sports trophy for American Football on Sunday evening as the Eagles of Philadelphia defeated the Patriots of New England 41 -33.

World Champion Ertz and an anonymous fan.

World Champion Ertz and an anonymous fan.

Soccer fans across the nation sent their support to Julie Ertz as they congratulated the success of the husband of the 2015 FIFA World Cup Champion and 2017 US Women's National Team player of the year.

"I'm really pleased for Julie," stated soccer fan Tom Coleman of Boston, MA. "She should be very happy about this development."

"Congratulations JULIE!" stated soccer fan James Murdoch of London, England. 

"It's nice to see that her husband is into sports," stated soccer fan Benjamin Duvall of Seattle, WA. "I know that some men fail to get the intricacies and nuances of team dynamics, and it must be nice to find a man that can keep up with her schedule."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as World Champion Julie Ertz begins the qualification cycle against international competition for the World Cup.

LA Galaxy Announce Partnership With RealPlayer

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy, today, announced a ground breaking partnership with digital media company RealPlayer for their streaming services during the 2018 and 2019 season.

"We wanted to be on the cutting edge of entertainment and sports," stated Pete Vagenas, vice president of soccer operations. "This partnership with RealPlayer, a leader in the digital video revolution on the information superhighway, will allow us the ability to reach shutins and loners that spend all their time online."

Insiders indicate that the Galaxy fluctuated between an offer from RealPlayer and an offer from Live365 with owner Philip Anschutz advocating heavily for the latter as he reportedly stated, "Radio is the future! And now it can be streamed online!!"

The Galaxy also announced a practice kit partnership with Winamp as Vagenas stated, "all of our supporters know that Winamp... well it really whips the llamas ass."

Details of the streaming partnership with RealPlayer indicate that supporters will need to sign a shockwave covenant stating that they will download the plug-in so that the service can function correctly.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Galaxy look into a  stadium sponsorship with the Atari Jaguar.

Timbers Season Clearly Doomed After 0-0 Pre-Season Game

Portland, OR - Viewers of the draw between the Earthquakes of San Jose and the Timbers of Portland indicate that the Portland Timbers 2018 season is clearly doomed after they lost 0-0.

"FUCK IT, I'M DONE," stated Timbers fan Ron Jayson. "We are so doomed, everything is shit. Let's just sell everyone and call it good."

According to soccer expert and part-time blogger Damien Farnsworth, the Timbers main problem was, "the defensive transition through all the zones that I can't quite recall right now but exist as soon as I get to a computer to look up what the zones are and how to phrase them correctly."

Fans in attendance say that the mood on the bench was grim as a lip reader stationed across the field with binoculous reported on twitter that,  "Savarese very upset, maybe. Or maybe he wasn't, I'm not sure, but it looks like he might have been upset. #rctid"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an upcoming victory in pre-season convinces Mr. Farsworth that the team will win MLS cup.

 

American Outlaws Capo In Chief Scrambles For Second Chant After USA-USA

WASHINGTON - The American Outlaws Capo In Chief, Donald Trump, reportedly scrambled for a second chant after kicking off USA-USA in the second half of the recent State Of The Union on Tuesday evening.

I BELIEVE I BELIEVE THAT WE I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN DEPORT THOSE KIDS!

I BELIEVE

I BELIEVE THAT WE

I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN DEPORT THOSE KIDS!

President Trump stated that he worked with American Outlaws leadership to make, "The hugest American flag humping jingoistic patriotic dog pile you've ever seen since President Reagan defeated the Mexicans at the battle of WelFaire, TX"

The Capo in Chief reportedly struggled during the second half of the State Of The Union after Republican leadership came back drunk from half-time as he excoriated them to, "pogo for a wall," and, "put your hands up if you hate a minority."

Sources within the room indicate that President Trump ran with 7 Nation Army for 10 minutes before switching to a rest chant of USA-USA that took off like wildfire among the collected group of white men eagerly salivating to pull up the drawbridge laid down by their immigrant grandparents.

"We opened with Mow My Lawn before we transitioned into The Sombrero Song," stated Trump to his Secretary Of Dogwhistles Stephen Miller. "After we got out of The Sombrero Song I was going to go with Fake News followed by I Believe followed by The Wave followed by Build The Wall, but good ole Jim Mattis started 7 Nation Army and I had to pivot, bigly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everyone gets ready to chant USA-USA-USA at sporting events again this weekend to reaffirm the greatness of the greatest country in the world to deport children.