McDonald's Offers Major League Soccer 20 Billion Dollars To Change League Name And Institute Promotion/Relegation

NEW YORK - American hamburger chain McDonald's, reportedly, offered Major League Soccer (MLS) 20 Billion Dollars to change the league name to The Extra Value Menu, and institute promotion/relegation between a carefully selected grouping of leagues that represent the global chain's branding.

This is just the worst, by a large margin.

This is just the worst, by a large margin.

"We would purchase the USL, NASL, and NPSL as well," stated President and CEO Steve Easterbrook. "All four leagues would be combined to reflect our menu branding and all team names would be changed to reflect menu items. In this way we consider it a win for our team and a win for the fans long clamoring for their teams to have a path to the highest professional league in the United States and Canada."

According to the takeover bid, team names in Major League Soccer like the Seattle Sounders would be changed to Seattle Quarter Pounder with Cheese and the L.A. Galaxy would be changed to the L.A. Hot Apple Pie. This would impact teams up and down leagues as the New York Cosmos would become the New York McFlurry and the Sacramento Republic would become the Sacramento Strawberry & Creme Pie.

"Fans are going to love what this does for the team they follow," stated Easterbrook. "Imagine the Cincinnati Soft Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie FC taking on the Columbus Cone (Vanilla) for a chance at getting promoted to the McValue Menu. That's only one step below the Extra Value Menu, what an honor! It'll give an opportunity to battles like Duluth Parfait United to take on the Stockton Premium Roast Coffee in a battle to climb out of the Kids Happy Meal amateur league and onto the big professional stage of the McPick 2."

According to leaked documents, the league would also be required to have all referee's dressed as the Hamburgler and all balls to be decorated as a Big Mac.

"It's important for us to see vertical integration in our endeavors. We hope that all of you will turn out for the McDonald's game of the week featuring the Portland Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger versus the New England Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddles at the vaunted 2 Sausage Burrito's field in Foxborough.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when McDonald's cuts us a huge check for all this corporate branding.

Statistics Show D.C. United Loss Was Actually A Win!

WASHINGTON - Chief statisticians and public relations officials with soccer team and tax write off D.C. United stated that while the team lost, on Saturday, that in fact they were the real winners in life as they scored a goal! Again!

YOU GUYS. THEY SCORED A GOAL! LOLLIPOPS AND CONFETTI FOR EVERYONE!

WELL DONE. You lost, but you also managed to embarass yourselves and your fan base. That's not easy.

WELL DONE. You lost, but you also managed to embarass yourselves and your fan base. That's not easy.

"We know that we have been a dumpster fire, again, this season," stated director of feel good statistics and holistic tweet massaging for D.C. United, Dave Davidson. "However, we feel like the winners on the day, because we managed to score a goal! Orange slices for everyone and we are ALL GOING TO THE PIZZA HUT BUFFET!"

TNN Reporters spoke to Ben Olsen, Head Coach Emeritus, who stated that he was overjoyed at the result.

"I'm speechless! We scored in three straight games. I told the guys that if they believed in the work and put themselves out there that we could score in three straight games, and we have. It's a massive, massive achievement and I hope that the fans know we are thinking of them when we celebrate this win from a loss, tonight."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more stupid statistics are used to try to turn a loss into a muddled bunch of bullshit.

The Revolution Will Begin With Trusox

People of Salt Lake, Compatriots of All America

We have finally reached the Salt Lake. The road was long and difficult, but we finally arrived. It was rumored that they expected us in the capital of the TruSox Republic at 2 p.m. today. No one was more amazed by this than I, because I was the first one to be surprised by this treacherous blow, which would place me in the capital of the TruSox Republic this morning. Moreover, I intended to be in the capital of the TruSox Republic — that is, in the new capital of the TruSox Republic — because Salt Lake City, in accordance with the wishes of the Provisional President, in accordance with the wishes of the Rebel Army, and in accordance with the wishes of the people of Salt Lake, who really deserved it, Salt Lake City will be the new capital of TruSox

This measure may surprise some people. Admittedly, it is new, but the TruSox revolution is characterized precisely by its newness, by the fact that it will do things that have never been done before.

In making Salt Lake City the provisional capital of the Republic, we are fully aware of our reason for doing so. This is no attempt to cajole a specific area by demogogic means. It is simply that Salt Lake City has been the strongest bulwark of the revolution, a revolution that is beginning now. Our Revolution will be no easy task, but a harsh and dangerous undertaking, particularly in the initial phases. And in what better place could we establish the Government of the Republic than in this fortress of the Revolution.

So that you may know that this will be a government solidly supported by the people of this heroic city, located in the foothills of the Wasatch — because Salt Lake City is a part of the Wasatch — Salt Lake City and the Wasatch will provide the two strongest fortresses for the Revolution. However, there are other reasons that motivate us, and one is the military revolutionary movement, the truly military revolutionary movement which did not take place in [Camp] Cupcake.

In Denver they prepared a puny little uprising against the revolution, principally with Mastroeni's assistance. Since it is necessary to tell the truth and since we came here with a view to orienting people, I can tell you and I can assure you that the military uprising in Denver  was an attempt to deprive the people in power, to rob the revolution of its triumph and to allow Garber to escape, to allow the Blazer to escape, to allow the Blatter to escape together with the Qataris, to allow the Gulati and the Arenas. The Denver uprising was an ambitious and treacherous blow that deserves the lowest epithets.

We must call a spade a spade and put the blame where it belongs. I am not going to be diplomatic. I will say outright that General Garber betrayed us and not only am I going to say it, but I am going to prove it to you.

However, we had always said so. We had always said that there would be no point in resolving this matter at the last moment with a puny little TruSox uprising, because if there is a TruSox uprising, concealed from the people, our Revolution will go forward nonetheless and this time cannot be over the power. It will not be like 1995 when the Americans came and took over, intervening at the last moment, and afterwards did not even allow players to wear their sock of choice

Nor will it be like 2003, when the people began to believe that the TruSox was going to triumph, and Mr. Garber came in to betray the revolution, take over power, and establish an 11-year-long dictatorship that would ban TruSox from their use.

Nor will it be like 2014, when the people took courage, believing that they had finally reached a position where they could take over the power, while those who did assume TruSox proved to be thieves. We will have no thievery, no treason, no intervention. This time it is truly the TruSox revolution, even though some might not desire it. At the very moment that the dictatorship fell, as a consequence of the military victories of our Revolution, when they could not hold out even another 15 days, Mr. Kamara appears on the scene as a paladin of freedom. Naturally, we have never been remiss in refusing any offer of collaboration that might prevent bloodshed, providing the aims of our TruSox Revolution were not imperiled thereby. Naturally, we have always appealed to the military in our search for peace, but it must be peace for freedom and peace with the triumph of our Revolution. This is the only way to obtain peace.

 

Viva TruSox! Viva The Revolution! Viva El Presidente!"

Sean Spicer Leaves White House To Focus On Playing Career For Minnesota United

WASHINGTON - Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced his resignation today in order to allow the former Trump spokesman to focus on his fitness for the upcoming Minnesota United game.

"I'm very lithe. Sinewy, even."

"I'm very lithe. Sinewy, even."

"They need warm bodies and we know, categorically, that I am a warm body," stated Spicer to The Nutmeg News. "Minnesota United reached out to me and said that they barely have enough people to field a full team, so I made them aware that I was ready to work."

According to Spicer, he was an all-american soccer player with a NCAA Division 1 scholarship before getting drafted to the Seattle Sounders in MLS. Spicer then told our reporters that he then deferred from MLS to play in the USL for a year or two, before making it big on Sigi Schmid's 2009 side scoring the winning goal against Chivas Guadalajara to promote the Sounders up the The CONCACAF champions league champions, champions. 

"It's been some time since I stopped playing soccer to focus on serving my country, but now I'm going to return back to the game that I love, I think. I won't take anymore questions on this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Minnesota United demands that their game not be filmed by journalists.

Soccer Parody Account Finally Gives Up And Posts Pictures From Wine Weekend At Solvang

WASHINGTON - Soccer parody account @BenOlsensBlazer finally gave up trying to post as the sentient blazer of Ben Olsen and posted pictures of his trip to wine weekend in Solvang, California, on Friday.

Rob Carr — Getty Images

Rob Carr — Getty Images

The mastermind behind the parody account is Steve Jones, a 29 year old DC United fan and Kaiser Permanente policy manager at the Capitol Hill Medical Center. 

"I thought it would be funny to tweet as Ben's blazer. It was a lot of fun for a while, but I just lost interest in it after a year or so."

Jones then slowly began incorporating his own life into the twitter account, first by accident and then secondly by boredom as the veil between @BenOlsensBlazer and his own life began to lift.

"I just didn't have the time to switch accounts, and honestly... I got a lot more interaction with the 1100 + followers I have on my parody account than the 100 followers I have on my personal account."

The illusion was finally gone as Jones posted pictures to @BenOlsensBlazer from his, "Wine Weekend," trip to Solvang, California with his fiancee Jessica. 

"No one cared," stated Jones. "I think they've all just come to accept that the blazer is dead. Hell they probably don't even see the twitter handle anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more parody accounts are created on twitter only to be abandoned after a month or two due to being painfully shit.

"That Altidore Nipple Thing Is Crazy....So Crazy, um.... You Wouldn't Be Into That, Would You....." Asks Kink Exploring Boyfriend

Fort Wayne, IN - 27 year old soccer fan Isaac Bouchard reportedly stammered, "That Altidore Nipple Thing Is Crazy..So Crazy, um...... You Wouldn't Be Into That, Would You?" to his girlfriend Paula while watching the United States play El Salvador on Thursday night.

"So, um.................. That's totally crazy.... unless that's something you are into..... I'm not saying that I'M into it... I'm just saying it's crazy... right? Or maybe not!"

"So, um.................. That's totally crazy.... unless that's something you are into..... I'm not saying that I'M into it... I'm just saying it's crazy... right? Or maybe not!"

Bouchard took the opportunity availed to him by the frenetic nipple twisting and biting on the field to broach the subject of bondage, discipline, and his expanding sexual kinks with his long time girlfriend of 8 months who reportedly had a look of confusion on her face as Bouchard rambled on about how, "I could totally see how nipple play could be a nice addition to a bedroom for some people, although I'm not saying that would be us, and isn't that a great play by Jozy there! BOOM!"

The Nutmeg News spoke to girlfriend Paula Delebridge about this and she stated the following, "He came to me on his birthday last month and said he wanted to try something weird and unusual for the special event. He said he wanted things to get messy. So I went up stairs and grabbed some chocolate sauce, some sprinkles, some whipped cream, a spatula to help spread stuff around and then came downstairs only to find that he had laid out a Barcelona kit on the bed for me to wear and he was standing against the wall holding his hands over his member. I... um... I just don't even know."

Bouchard, for his part, explained, "I see those guys in the wall ready for a freekick covering their junk and I have to think that the tension and fear of where that ball is going must be so overwhelming. It could hit anywhere, even hit so hard that your hands cant hold back that sudden surge of pain and endorphin that I'm sure a percentage of players actually enjoy and I've always wondered if that's something I'd enjoy and maybe Paula would enjoy doing to someone, unless it sounds weird in which case I'm going to go sign up for a local rec league here in a little bit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bouchard takes time to explain his system of red and yellow cards for the bedroom.

MLS All Star Game Referee Experience Will Expose Fans To Having Address Published And Verbal Abuse By 20,000 People

CHICAGO - Major League Soccer (MLS), on Thursday, announced a new MLS All Star Game Referee Experience which will allow fans to truly experience what it is like to patrol the center circle.

YOU could be THIS lucky!

YOU could be THIS lucky!

"We are rigging up cameras to allow fans to live out their fantasy of being an MLS referee. As well, we are offering one lucky fan to have a full MLS Referee Experience during an actual upcoming game in the regular season," stated President of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot.

Information sent over from the league office indicates that the Referee Experience contest winner will walk the ball out onto the field, get to work as a linesman for a half of a game, make a judgement call about stoppage time in the first half, have his or her home address released out in revenge, be booed as they leave the field, have 20,000 fans scream profanities about his or her mother, and then be confronted by angry fans in the parking lot after the game.

"We want our fans to experience both the highs and the lows of the job," stated Abbot to The Nutmeg News. "We feel like this could be beneficial to understanding how much this job truly sucks, some times."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when 78 year old Darla Heavensbee wins the Referee Experience contest after being entered as a joke by her grandson Larry.

Soccer Fan Refuses To Let Lack Of Knowledge On Women's Game Keep Him From Offering Opinion

CHICAGO - Soccer fan Jerry Reinsdorf stated that he refused to let his lack of knowledge on the women's game in the United States keep him from offering his unqualified opinions online as he verbosely spewed nonsense out of his social media accounts about a variety of subjects.

Learning things gets in the way of yelling things and yelling things gets followers on twitter.

Learning things gets in the way of yelling things and yelling things gets followers on twitter.

"MIA HAMM couldn't keep up with Cristiano Ronaldo's lawyer and the NWSL is going to fail," stated Reinsdorf from his twitter account @KnowLEDGEKnowTRUTH. "The top 10 women are taking publicity away from Men's Lacrosse. What women lack in strength and skill, they doubly lack in spirit and fierceness. If you mixed the intense 'professional' soccer they play with the skirts they have in Lacrosse, you'd have ratings topping NASCAR."

Reinsdorf started off the day by insulting women journalists online for their gender before moving on to insulting female soccer players before settling out his day by insulting women nerds, scientists and science fiction buffs.

"It's my goal in life to ensure that I reject all items of Feminine influence in sports just like they rejected me in college. At least this way, it makes me feel like I'm getting some level of revenge by exalting my opinion so much that I feel like a genius savant who can cover all the vagaries of an entirely different league than the one I hate-follow in the first place," stated Reinsdorf to The Nutmeg News.

Mr. Reinsdorf was then educated, on Twitter, about the league structure of the NWSL and the players within before retreating from this twitter fight while claiming that the facts were fake news and that the knowledgeable reporters were biased league stooges.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reinsdorf's comment of "You look pretty when you sweat" on the Chicago Red Stars Instagram account is widely condemned by men and women alike.

"I Still Can't Believe Petke Was Fired From Metro," States Jose Mourinho At Press Conference

Salt Lake City, UT - At the post game press conference after Manchester United defeated Real Salt Lake 2-1, manager Jose Mourinho admitted that he, "Still can't believe Petke was fired from Metro," as he shook his head in disbelief.

"Just imagine if Petke had Kljestan. Just imagine. I'll sit here while you imagine. Go ahead. Imagine. Yes, now."

"Just imagine if Petke had Kljestan. Just imagine. I'll sit here while you imagine. Go ahead. Imagine. Yes, now."

"The man was a Metro LEGEND. Don't say his name," screamed Mourinho towards the shocked press corps as they asked him his opinion on Real Salt Lake and their manager. "He is a good one, I just can't believe that Ali Curtis didn't see Petke in his plan."

Mourinho was, reportedly, incensed at the shabby treatment of Petke over 2 years ago as he stated, "Petke lead Metro to their first trophy ever, and they fire him? No, no no. We must acknowledge this. We must."

After acknowledging his respect of the RSL coach, Mourinho finished his remarks by stating that he just didn't know what was going on with Red Bull New York but that he, "Needed to get some more sweater vests." Mourinho had no comment regarding Valencia's red card or his decision to not substitute the player, but immediately changed the message back to Mike Petke saying, "I'm still stunned. STUNNED."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mourinho drops off a bottle of wine to Caleb Porter's house for, "that whole handshake deal a few years ago."

Rec League Roundup: Woman Scheduled For 36 Soccer Matches This Week

NEW YORK - Between futsal, rec league, and outdoor teams needing a woman soccer player, local woman Stephanie Rodriguez admitted that she is now scheduled for 36 soccer matches this week.

I've got 4 more games immediately following this one.

I've got 4 more games immediately following this one.

"It started by me showing up for a local club team that needed a woman in order to not forfeit," stated Ms. Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. "Once they found out that I was a decent player that was #1 - A woman and #2 - On Time, my calendar started to get filled."

According to friends, Rodriguez began retreating from social events around this time as she was continually rescheduling her schedule in order to accommodate the increasing amount of games she was supposed to play.

"I'm scheduled with The Despacitos, The Cyclones, Atlas Unidos, Barra Beverage, Chelsea United, The Brooklyn Burn, Midtown AC, Wall Street Barons, Harlem United, Queens SC, Queens FC, Queens United, Queens United FC, Queens AC United FC, Staten Island Hot Dogs, Bill's Randy Hornswagglers AC, The Rangers, The Celtic, The Celtic Rangers, The Dancing Bares United, Carl's Urban Explorers, The Little Lebowskis, NotEatingHam Forest, and Williams And Sonoma of 5th... which honestly may just be a shopping date with my friend Carla that I probably need to cancel."

Rodriguez states that she would cancel her appearance at a few games but that all 36 teams that she is playing for over the next 7 days would be unable to play as they lack the requisite number of women players in order to take the field.

"I would just feel horrible if that was the case."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rodriguez collapses from the exertion on Saturday only to have her teammates prop her up on the field with some sunglasses in a Weekend At Bernies attempt to continue playing.

With One Month Until Premier League Games, Disillusioned MLS Fan Starts Talking About Real Soccer Again

Boston, MA - Jake Stephens, a sometime New England Revolution follower and disillusioned MLS fan, has reportedly started talking about real soccer again with only one month to go until the English Premier League kicks off again.

Mike Hewitt/Getty Images When we last left England...............

Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

When we last left England...............

"He was awfully excited to actually talk about soccer that wasn't causing him repeated and constant pain," stated friend Mary-Elizabeth Hewing. "I would almost call his mood, when talking about the Premier League return, as giddy. At the very least, it is the most excited I've seen him since the utter depression of realizing that he had to leave a magical Chelsea season with intense play and amazing story lines for the upcoming Revolution season that would likely cause him to start drinking in heavy quantities again."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Stephens about his current mood and he had the following to say.

"It's important to understand that I've just lost faith in the season, the team, the league, and really everything about North American soccer at all levels, right now," exclaimed Stephens.

"I can't wait for a league that I can watch from afar with play that is enjoyable rather than painful and fans that I don't actually have to get to know, with a team that was playing well, again. Major League Soccer in summer is just unbearably painful, and the rest of the leagues are just going through the motions, as well. You ever try to watch an NASL or NPSL match for fun? I think you get committed for doing that. The Premier League return is like a cool sip of water during the hot-as-farts disrupted MLS schedule of doom that the Revolution are following towards their inevitable non-playoff, and supposedly rebuilding year that will end with empty promises and a long line of bullshit from Robert Kraft as he increases his portfolio and reaps the rewards from SUM and the Patriots."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stephens caresses his Chelsea kit in the closet and smiles about soccer, for the first time since May.

Galaxy Inch Closer To Deal With Ibrahimovic While LAFC Inch Closer To Deal With Ibrahimovic's Knee Ligaments

LOS ANGELES - Rumor accounts indicate that the Los Angeles Galaxy of The Major League Soccer are inching closer to a deal with former Manchester United superstar Zlatan Ibrahimovic, while Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) are inching closer to signing Ibrahimovic's knee ligaments.

A double ligament injury in one knee when you are 35 is totally fine.

A double ligament injury in one knee when you are 35 is totally fine.

Ibrahimovic separated from his knee ligaments after the Manchester United April 21, 2017 game against Anderlecht. Ibrahimovic spoke out against the defective ligament saying, "If they don't feel like staying around to help me win a championship they should leave. Zlatan needs no ligaments to get paid in North America. Zlatan can command millions of dollars just by existing."

With the Swedish international just recently kicking a ball for the first time in months, The Major League Soccer reportedly reached out to indicate that they would be interested in either a package deal with Zlatan and his ligaments or just the body of the former United player.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zlatan and his ligaments come to a working agreement for walking purposes, but will separate as the season goes along to pursue other opportunities locally.

Baby Boomers Can't Wait To Destroy Soccer Environment, As Well

Not content with simply destroying the environment on a national level, the nations baby boomers, reportedly, can't wait to destroy soccer environments, as well.

"Aren't we happy now that we've ensured that future generations will have it worse than we have it? Let's figure out a way to price them out of this new sport that until a few years ago we hated because it seemed European."

"Aren't we happy now that we've ensured that future generations will have it worse than we have it? Let's figure out a way to price them out of this new sport that until a few years ago we hated because it seemed European."

"The crowds are too loud and there aren't enough luxury amenities," stated Norbert Randall of Beaverton, OR. "We need to ensure that the ticket prices are raised high enough to allow the team to pay for some new wine options at my seats."

"I didn't pick up 3 sets of tickets to have to live without table side service and to have fans standing to see the game.... SIT DOWN, HEATHENS," stated Virginia Madison of New York.

Fans of soccer in the United States and Canada say that one of the continuing decent things is that the game, except for international matches, is relatively cheap. However, Baby Boomers are reportedly anxious to bring the prices up into line with their NFL and NBA holdings as they stated, "No one will care about soccer as a recreational portfolio enhancement until the games are routinely $350 a ticket, and we have a private meet and greet with Don Henley."

A list of demands was given to Major League Soccer from the Baby Boomer Branding And Integration Street Team (BBBAIST) that stated unequivocally if Major League Soccer wants the Baby Boomer crowd they need to ensure that ticket prices are raised to keep out undesirables, that a Lands' End catalog must be available upon purchase, and that the wine, scotch and seltzer selections are enhanced throughout the stadiums.

"If this means that ticket prices need to go up by 200% on the supporters sections, then fine," stated Darrel Stephens of Issaquah, WA. "I'm old, white, holding on to my job by my finger tips in an effort to keep this 29 year old kid from getting promoted, and I'm not going to be pushed around. Let the 18 year old kids pay double for their seats. I want Oysters, a private meet and great with the owners, and a Government Mule concert as part of my ticket prices."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the Baby Boomers gather around the wine bar at your local soccer stadium to talk about free love, touring the United States on spare change, buying a house for under $50,000, getting a good education at a decent price, the time they saw the Grateful Dead on tour, and what it was like to violently strangle all the principles they had when they were younger.

 

We Will Never Be A True Soccer Nation Til Our Half-Man Half-Dog Mutants Play In Europe

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Jeff McKenzie of Red Deer, AB. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. McKenzie do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

To Whom It May Concern:

Canada will never be a true soccer nation until our half-man half-dog mutants play in Europe instead of settling for local provincial soccer clubs like Ottawa and Montreal.

Wash the taste of ambition off your tongue, lad!

Wash the taste of ambition off your tongue, lad!

We are a nation of millions and yet time and time again the Canadian mentality is to have our sentient man/dog hybrids playing locally. This madness must stop. How can the half-man half-dog hybrid begin to grow if he can't play at a proper training facility in England while romping around the fire hydrants and the organic scents of the English countryside.

This nation could be the greatest in the Americas if we finally committed the full resources of our training facilities and youth man/dog soccer programs to ensure that our man/dog mutant hybrids are pushed to European soccer facilities. 

Instead we are left with the waste from Ottawa which deems playing for your local club as good enough. WELL I'M SORRY.... BUT IT ISN'T. 

A new Canada and a bold Canada means pushing our dogman midfielders, strikers and defenders into unfamiliar dog parks and pitches of the world.

Up the Mighty Maple Leaf and let's see a new generation of genetically modified dogmen that can take on the best players in the world in soccer.

Yours in correspondence and my apologies about the length of the letter,

Jeff McKenzie

Red Deer, Alberta

Long Form Soccer Masterpiece Needs To Lose 1500 Words For Info-graphic

NEW YORK - A long form soccer masterpiece written by Carla Gutierrez about the shared soccer and political ties between the United States and Mexico was reportedly cut from 2500 words to 1000 words in order for the publishers of CORNER KICK magazine to squeeze in a really uninteresting info-graphic about David Beckham's hair, over the years.

THIS IS AMAZING AND TOTALLY WORTH GUTTING HER STORY

THIS IS AMAZING AND TOTALLY WORTH GUTTING HER STORY

"I'm not even remotely certain what I can cut," stated Ms. Gutierrez about the well researched and personally funded piece that intertwines the heart breaking, the informational and the comedic. "Everything in this piece ties to everything. This is going to destroy the story. I'm going to start losing the pace and emphasis of the piece just so they can talk about Beckham's cornrows."

The editors of CORNER KICK stated, "we appreciate the dedication that Carla put into this piece, but we really think this info-graphic is funny, space is limited and we need to ensure that the work of our great photoshoppers is rewarded."

Ms. Gutierrez already started an attempt to cut words from the piece while tearfully shaking her head at the preposterous last minute cut by her publishers. "I just don't understand how they could do this, but I don't have any other options. At least they haven't cut the amount they are paying for this piece. I need the $65 to pay for my cat's veterinary bill."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when CORNER KICK offers Ms. Gutierrez the option of cutting her piece down to 750 words if they publish the 1000 word story version on their website.

ESPY Party Spins Out Of Control As Soccer's Biggest Night Takes Shape

NEW YORK - An ESPY party run by soccer fan Katherine Shwartz is, reportedly, currently spinning out of control as soccer's biggest night begins to take shape in the Queens apartment jammed with eager fans.

Will Ronaldo win for Best Abs? Will Messi win for Best Kiss? Will anyone ever actually give a flying fuck about this?

Will Ronaldo win for Best Abs? Will Messi win for Best Kiss? Will anyone ever actually give a flying fuck about this?

"THIS AWARD SHOW IS LIT," stated Real Madrid fan Kevin George. "Everyone wants to know who will win the ESPY for best soccer colonoscopy broadcast in 4K resolution as a tie in to a sponsorship deal as originally broadcast by ESPN."

Fans the world over are tuning into the network in droves in order see the C-list celebrities and bored athletes who couldn't find a reason to not get dressed up for something that is just so insanely meaningless and insignificant that it should be taken behind a barn somewhere and put out of its misery.

"It's the ESPYs," stated soccer fan Liam Smith-Barstow. "I've waited the entire year for this to come back on! I've started an ESPY pool, at work. I've even contacted each and every one of my friends about watching, who for some reason didn't respond back to me. This is probably because they are all at their own ESPY parties. ESPY! ESPY! ESPY! ESPY!"

The Nutmeg News will not have anything else on this. Seriously. We had to be talked into this one in the first place by the writer of this piece and even this disclaimer feels like a cop out.

241 Years Of National Pride At Stake, For Local Man, As United States Takes On Martinique

Topeka, KS - The entire 241 years of national pride are, reportedly, at stake for a local man from Topeka as the United States takes on the island of Martinique in the semi-annual revenue builder... er... Gold Cup, tonight.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight there.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight there.

"IF THE U-NITED STATES DOES NOT WIN TONIGHT I WILL BE ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED AND OUR COUNTRY WILL FALL INTO OMBLIVIAN," screamed an already intoxicated Ryan Nelson of Topeka through an American flag bandana and vintage WW2 M1 helmet (custom painted with a busty woman astride a bomb holding an American flag delivering freedom) that Nelson acquired from a local Army/Navy supply store.

"THIS MATCH MEANS EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. THIS IS WHAT OUR COUNTRY NEEDS RIGHT NOW. WE NEED TO BEAT UP ON AN ISLAND OF 386,486 IN ORDER TO ASSERT OUR SUPERIORITY AND GET BACK TO BEING THE MORAL CENTER OF THE WORLD, IN GOD WE TRUST."

Nelson is reportedly so excited for the upcoming match that his Facebook feed this morning read like something from a propaganda film as he took the best scenes of Mel Gibson running in slow motion from the movie "The Patriot" and liberally posted them over and over and over again to an irritated group of followers.

"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, WE WILL STOMP A MUDHOLE IN THIS MARTINIQUEANS AND SEND THEM BACK TO THEIR 3RD WORLD COUNTRY WITHOUT ANY POINTS," screamed Nelson in an all-caps update on his Facebook wall.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nelson is given a last warning from his job at Jiffy Lube for not showing up to his scheduled shift.

Soccer News Organization Hits It Big As PR Firm Offers $40 For Post On Their Site

Senior editors with soccer news website The Nutmeg News indicate that they finally hit it big as nascent public relations firm Impermanent Relations offered up to $40 for a "guest post" on their website.

"We were just about to shut the website down after burning through all of our initial angel investment on high quality north Illinois ether," stated Nutmeg News reporter, fixer and bare knuckle boxing expert William "Buck" Huey.

WE HIT IT BIG! CARVE UP THE BIG HAM-LIKE MEAT SUBSTITUTE!

WE HIT IT BIG! CARVE UP THE BIG HAM-LIKE MEAT SUBSTITUTE!

"I told the staff to prepare for the long layoff down the river to the Starbucks, but after getting this new opportunity for $40 whole dollars, we are going to fire everything back up again and put a load of blotter acid on credit from the Silk Road darknet."

Nutmeg News staff indicate that the new investment came at the right time as recently the free food in the break room was pared down from pop-tarts and quarts of whiskey to a singular unrolled Smarty candy and some recycled chicory from the coffee maker.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we introduce our new writer from Triple Canopy, Inc. in a series of somewhat soccer related posts about why fighting the global war for control of the arms trade in the Sudan is best done without any kind government oversight.

Introvert Struggling To Cope With Hugging Stranger After Goal

San Jose, CA - Jake Edwards, a San Jose Earthquakes fan and admitted introvert, stated by email that he was internally struggling to cope with hugging a complete stranger after the second Chris Wondolowski goal during yesterday's US Open Cup match against the LA Galaxy.

"It was during the goal refractory period," stated Edwards from his anonymous email account CylonAndOnAndOn1337@excite.com. "I felt terrible that I hugged this complete stranger next to me in celebration. I couldn't stop thinking whether he thought it was too awkward, or if I was too sweaty, or if he hadn't wanted to hug, or if possibly I needed to buy him a beer now."

Edwards is well known, within his circle of friends, for overthinking even the most common situation although his guild leader @darksoulspunymortal states that he is taking this situation to new levels as Edwards recently chatted about the hugging situation during a Hearthstone tavern brawl they played this morning. 

Edwards email continued by summarizing his current level of near agoraphobic terror with the Earthquakes crowd as he wrote, "I continued to wonder if I was supposed to have a conversation with him now, or if I was just supposed to stand there watching the game, and then I thought of whether I should invite him to my D&D party next weekend, but honestly he didn't look like the kind of guy who would be into D&D and that was because he was wearing a t-shirt that just had Levi's written on it and I cant decide if I want to try to make a new friend now because I'm really just trying to finish these 5 books that I bought from Prime in order to make my subscription worth the effort and look I don't even know what his name is, but I thought that I probably should have asked THAT back before I was hugging him, and that the moment had already passed and now it was just going to be awkward so I really just thought about leaving my seats and hanging out in the concourse so I didn't have to think about it again."

Our reporters reached out to Nathan Carson, the fan that Edwards hugged, about the exchange and he stated the following, "Yeah! That game was sick, everyone was having so much fun. I was wasted. Good game, man. Hella great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edwards continues to debate about the proper hugging protocol for the next game that he attends provided that his allergies aren't acting up again next month and you really never know if someone actually wants to hug you or if that even makes them your friend.

8 Cathedrals Of World Soccer That Would Be Improved With Increased Usage Of "Who Let The Dogs Out"

Too many of our places of holy soccer worship are dead atmospheres with people singing and trying to get involved. Soccer teams should easily be able replace that caustic din with more timely and family friendly usage of, "Who Let The Dogs Out," and, "Jock Jams IV". 

As such, here is the list of 8 Cathedrals Of World Soccer that would be improved with increased usage of, "Who Let The Dogs Out."

#1 La Bombanera

Who needs T.I.F.O and confetti if you have Gary Glitter singing Rock And Roll Part 2.

Who needs T.I.F.O and confetti if you have Gary Glitter singing Rock And Roll Part 2.

#2 Old Trafford

The reason they let Rooney go was to use his contract money to purchase the rights to "Whoomp There It Is" by Tag Team.

The reason they let Rooney go was to use his contract money to purchase the rights to "Whoomp There It Is" by Tag Team.

#3 Allianz Arena

Enough with that continental affectation of 7 Nation Army. What you need are more songs from the back catalog of Trick Daddy blasted through your speakers so loud that no one can even carry a conversation even if they are standing next to you.

Enough with that continental affectation of 7 Nation Army. What you need are more songs from the back catalog of Trick Daddy blasted through your speakers so loud that no one can even carry a conversation even if they are standing next to you.

#4 Signal Iduna Park

They wouldn't need to work on T.I.F.O so much if they had a better pre-game DJ. Someone that can really mix the old school like Tiffany with the new school like Demi Lovato.

They wouldn't need to work on T.I.F.O so much if they had a better pre-game DJ. Someone that can really mix the old school like Tiffany with the new school like Demi Lovato.

#5 Anfield

We like to imagine this cavern echoing with the throbbing passion of Sean Paul songs from 15 years ago.

We like to imagine this cavern echoing with the throbbing passion of Sean Paul songs from 15 years ago.

#6 Santiago Bernabéu Stadium

You may think that Ronaldo and company are entertaining, but that's mostly because you haven't watched a pre-planned failed Kiss cam that tries to go viral so everyone will talk about Madridistas being funny because they had this guy get popcorn thrown on his head after he didn't get a kiss.

You may think that Ronaldo and company are entertaining, but that's mostly because you haven't watched a pre-planned failed Kiss cam that tries to go viral so everyone will talk about Madridistas being funny because they had this guy get popcorn thrown on his head after he didn't get a kiss.

#7 Camp Nou

Camp Nou? More like Camp Old, if they don't get with the program and start turning up the music louder. We need more songs from Foreigner and Bread played at 4000000 decibels before they do a giveaway for 10% off a carwash.

Camp Nou? More like Camp Old, if they don't get with the program and start turning up the music louder. We need more songs from Foreigner and Bread played at 4000000 decibels before they do a giveaway for 10% off a carwash.

#8 Estádio Municipal de Braga

They need to clear out all that Rock for some ROCK N ROLL and a jumbotron scoreboard. Maybe they could fill that silly space with some luxury suites where they could all laugh as a millionaire tries to do the chicken dance before they turn back to their cold, stale hotdog and wonder when their wife is going to leave them.

They need to clear out all that Rock for some ROCK N ROLL and a jumbotron scoreboard. Maybe they could fill that silly space with some luxury suites where they could all laugh as a millionaire tries to do the chicken dance before they turn back to their cold, stale hotdog and wonder when their wife is going to leave them.