Role-Locking Could Be Coming To The Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Today, a collection of Major League Soccer memos leaked that THE Major League Soccer is apparently looking at copying Overwatch League by implementing role-locking.

“If only we could get these kinds of spectacles”  Mary Altaffer - The Washington Post/File

“If only we could get these kinds of spectacles”

Mary Altaffer - The Washington Post/File

Sources within the league indicate that MLS looked towards the popular E-Sports league in order to figure out how to re-invigorate their competition as they toyed around with the idea of role locking all Major League Soccer teams to a 4-4-2 team composition.

“We noticed the popularity of Overwatch and realized that we may have something to learn from them. After all, the league actually got airtime on ABC recently and we’ve been relegated to ESPNews,” stated one anonymous insider. “So where they are locking team compositions to two damage-dealers, two supports, and two tanks, we are looking at locking team compositions to four defenders, four midfielders and two forwards.”

The memos indicate that teams and players would be restricted by the new rules in both composition and position on the field.

“If you are defender you can only play within the first third of the field,” stated the memo. “If a player advances beyond that position then a foul is immediately called and the ball is turned over to the other team. Midfielders can only play within the middle third of the field and forwards can only play in the final third of the field.”

Sources indicate that Major League Soccer is hoping that this will prevent them from opening the purse strings during the next Collective Bargaining Agreement.

“We are going to enforce players to be the players you think they are,” stated one anonymous General Manager. “No more marauding fullbacks, no more false 9 midfielders. Forwards will finally play forward, defenders will be tanks and your defensive midfielder will not be making game saving clearances off the line. It’s been a long time coming that we listened to fans of other games. This will finally simplify the game for American audiences. This is Foosball for football. I think it’s finally time that the world admitted that Johan Cruyff was full of shit and total football is a lie.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer tries to exceed the television ratings for competitive Overwatch.

Distraught LAFC Players Unable To Find Fans To Salute After Successful Away Fans Camouflage

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) players were reportedly distraught after being unable to salute their travelling fans at the end of the El Tráfico rivalry game as the away fans traveled in camouflage.

LAFC fans in the stands

LAFC fans in the stands

“We were very disappointed in the result, but I always want to tell our fans that we appreciate them,” stated one anonymous player. “I looked everywhere in the stadium and couldn’t find them. I know that this result didn’t go their way, but I didn’t think our fans would just abandon us like that.”

Managers and staff were equally mystified saying that they looked exactly where they thought that the fans would be, but didn’t see anything.

“This is really unbelievable,” stated one assistant coach. “I just didn’t think that our fans would abandon us. I looked up at the area where they supposed to be and all I saw was the typical Woodland markings as one would expect in Los Angeles at this time of year. I expect to see all of our travelling support, not a bunch of tree, shrub and shadow blob markings indicative of a high contrast disruptive pattern with irregular markings in sand, brown, green and black. I’m just shattered to be honest.”

Fans state that they were actually there the whole time as their attempt at Camouflage succeeded perfectly showing that, in fact, they were ready for battle by disappearing completely from battle as successful camouflage does.

“We won in the stands by being united and visibly invisible,” stated one anonymous LAFC fan. “It’s important for us to show our team that we are united by wearing clothes designed to disguise an individual or group. It’s WAR…. on the beer stands and VICTORY over cotton candy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we attempt to interview an LAFC fan regarding this but end up speaking to a speckled pattern of light in the Los Angeles woodland.


MLS Announces New Tournament for 2020 Called The Open Cup Of Leagues

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, the formation of a new tournament involving teams from Major League Soccer, Liga MX and the United Soccer League that will start in 2020 bringing the total of competitions for some teams in MLS to five.

Look at THIS bold design!

Look at THIS bold design!

“We thought that the CONCACAF Champions League, US Open Cup, MLS Cup, and Leagues Cup wasn’t enough,” stated commissioner Don Garber. “So we decided to create another tournament that will really allow us to cash in on the interests of fans.”

The tournament is reportedly going to be called The Open Cup Of Leagues and will take place from April to November running on Tuesdays and Wednesdays opposite any US Open Cup or CONCACAF Champions League or regular season games that MLS or USL teams may be playing.

“The selection process of The Open Cup Of Leagues will be performed behind closed doors based upon a mandatory sealed bid process overseen by Soccer United Marketing,” stated Garber. “We plan on debuting the new tournament on the Flow Sports streaming program for a new monthly fee of $14.99. For that low cost you can watch all the games in The Open Cup Of Leagues provided they aren’t blacked out in your area.”

According to insiders, team owner operators are upset that the league is adding even more congestion to an already packed schedule but indicate that they will be fine with the whole thing provided it makes them a boatload of money.

“Three to four to five games a week for most of the year? I guess I’m fine with that as long as the check clears,” stated one anonymous owner.

While some fans are reportedly aghast at the idea of spending up to 4 days a week at the stadium, supporters groups in Major League Soccer issued edicts challenging the passion and commitment of fans who wouldn’t show up for a US Open Cup, Leagues Cup, MLS Regular season, CONCACAF Champions League and Open Cup Of Leagues game in one week.

As well, Commissioner Garber indicated that any team who won MLS Cup would still be expected to compete in the Campeones Cup game against the Liga MX champion.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS cracks down on teams trying to sign or acquire on loan more players to compensate for the increased schedule.

NPSL Team Announces National Broadcasting Deal For The 2020 Season

Coral City, FL - NPSL team the Coral City Marauders announced a national broadcasting deal for the 2020 season as they indicated that they finally closed a deal with Jerry Rodriguez to have him stream all their home games to Twitch from a tablet.

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“Coral City Marauders are proud to be the only National Premier Soccer League team with a national broadcasting deal,” stated the press release. “We are utilizing the technology available to us to distribute our games on a world wide platform utilizing a new technology and a guy sitting in the stands connected to our WIFI.”

Rodriguez stated that he first began streaming games online when he realized that he was bored and had nothing better to do.

“Yeah, I don’t know… I wouldn’t recommend it,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “At first it hurt my hands to hold it the entire game and try to follow the action, but now I just prop it up on a cup of coffee and hope that it doesn’t fall down or disconnect.”

The Marauders stated that their stellar broadcast team would be back for this season with Play-By-Play duties being handled by Drunk Chad Berky and William “Tank” Gutierrez who once played a game for the 69 Bandits in the Coral City Men’s Rec Soccer League while on MDMA.

“Chad and William will offer a fan perspective to our viewers that you can’t get anywhere else unless you are sitting near them because all they do is talk all game long,” stated Coral City president Zach Williams. “This deal will offer Coral City the chance to become the first national and even possibly international NPSL soccer team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Marauders task their players to play a Minecraft challenge map while live streaming their warmups.

CRISIS AT THE BORDER: Whitecaps Fans Stage Mass Migration Caravan To Pacific FC

Blaine, WA - Officials with the United States Border Patrol indicate that they are tracking a massive migration caravan they believe includes women and children as fans of the Vancouver Whitecaps attempt to cross the border of Whitecaps fandom to become fans of Pacific FC in the Canadian Premier League.

By Another Believer - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0

By Another Believer - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0

“We are concerned that they are sending children, they are sending women, they are sending men and whole families,” stated one anonymous border patrol official. “If these people begin their migration to Vancouver Island then very soon they may migrate to Blaine to sup upon the very freedom we guard with our loaded and ready M4 Carbine. COME AND GET SOME OF OUR BACK BACON NOW, BOYS..”

Officials with the Border Patrol state that they remain ready to defend the United States against the growing Canadian menace as they see an incursion of Whitecaps fans on to Vancouver Island as an act of aggression against the United States.

“We will protect our borders against all threats, real and imagined,” stated Kevin McAleenan the acting secretary in his capacity as Commissioner of the Customs and Border Protection. “This incursion into our very freedoms that somewhat extend north of the border whenever we decide they do is a direct threat to the growth of the game in Bellingham, Blaine, and any of the other communist wastelands that we protect with the blood of our patriots on guard against smuggled illegal Ibuprofen and Kinder Eggs.”

With Whitecaps fans in open rebellion against the Whitecaps themselves, analysts say that this upheaval could spread to other locations and sports as a burgeoning Canuck Spring grows on Twitter from the disapproving soccer fans.

“We must tear down the statues of Lenarduzzi,” stated @ResistCapsManagement. “Our revolution will be a peaceful one, but it will not stop until all families are united again and actually happy going to games..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Border Patrol spawns a rogue patriot patrol that prevents soccer fans from crossing over the border unless they swear a blood loyalty oath to Carlos Cordeiro.

NPSL Semi-Finals To Be Decided By Rock Paper Scissors

The National Premier Soccer League indicated that after using a coin flip to decide the recent AFC Ann Arbor v Rochester Lancers Midwest Region Quarterfinal that they would be enforcing a Rock Paper Scissors contest to decide the regional semi-finals across the league.

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“The only fair way for teams to advance in this league is through the age old RoChamBeaux tradition,” stated director of competition Harvey Lewis. “I think people have had enough NPSL soccer for one year.”

Insiders with the league stated that the people in charge are just simply tired of actually putting on a soccer tournament and figured this would be an easy way out.

“Does anyone really care anymore,” stated on anonymous NPSL employee. “Why don’t we just convert Major League Soccer to Rock Paper Scissors. They might get better television ratings.”

Players within the NPSL were reportedly upset with the change but coaches have implemented a new training regime of scouting who throws rock and deciding who throws scissors.

“Analytics show us that most players overthink and throw paper. This is a mistake,” stated the goalkeeper coach of Miami FC. “It’s important to remember to cover your base and that’s not a euphemism for throwing paper.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL looks to trial a new playoff structure involving Stratego.


"It's Completely Coincidental That This Twitter Outage Coincided With The Happiest I've Been In Over A Month," States Soccer Supporter

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Charles @billybills2026 Sanders stated that, “it’s completely coincidental that this Twitter outage coincided with the happiest I’ve been in over a month,” as he quickly fell back into his old routine of perpetual outrage, anger, and being completely judgmental at the things he habitually reads that originate from this technology hellscape.

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“I’m not addicted to Twitter,” stated Sanders as he quickly glanced at the app on his phone in between buckling his seat belt and starting his car. “I just use it for news and information on the Earthquakes….. and to keep up with my fellow fans….that I now hate…. because I’m on Twitter.”

Sanders indicated that he first started using Twitter recreationally over four years ago before recently having a moment of clarity as he realized that he was half-drunk and shitposting on the app at 1:30 in the morning in the bathroom of a dingy motel as he lashed out in anger at random celebrities, sports figures, politicians and friends alike who all are trying to figure out how to wrestle with the intrusion of everyone’s personal thoughts being crammed into their head.

“I can absolutely quit any time I want,” stated Sanders as he posted a ranting thread against the referees in MLS that generated responses in agreement from his fellow fans and negative responses from an anonymous Galaxy fan who has taken it upon himself to just respond to everything that Mr. Sanders posts with a crying baby gif and profanity laden direct messages.

“I tried to block that guy but he just keeps creating new accounts,” stated Sanders. “I’m not letting it bother me though,” lied Sanders to us and himself as he admitted that most of the time just the simple act of surfing his timeline makes him extremely unhappy.

“This year though, I’ve taken to just using Twitter from time to time, for like goal videos and lineups and shit,” stated Sanders as he scrolled through 86 different tweets that made him angry from accounts that he doesn’t follow that were forced into his timeline from the likes and retweets of friends that he doesn’t have the temerity to unfollow nor the courage to mute. “It’s going to be fine, i just feel moderately depressed most of the day, but who doesn’t these days.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders states that he’s leaving Twitter… on Twitter… only to come back online within the week.



Our Pick For MLS 2019 Newcomer Of The Year: Bheem Goyal

While other newspapers (*) may wait til the end of the season to proclaim their nominations, we see no reason to wait to proclaim our nomination for an award that is now a foregone conclusion.

With his stellar play, quick feet, and goalkeeping acumen on display in recent practice sessions before he leads the Sounders against Borussia Dortmund, we state unequivocally that the Major League Soccer 2019 Newcomer Of The Year should be Bheem Goyal.

In his rookie year, this prodigious talent of the Seattle Sounders supplanted his long time mentor Stefan Frei in goal as he quickly became a figurehead for the 2019 Sounders season.

“He has all the skills to become an International level goalkeeper,” stated one Sounders insider. “We’ve already received contact from Gregg Berhalter regarding a call up to the United States.”

Fans of the Sounders latched on to the story of the young man stating that Goyal feels like one of their own when he is on the field.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumblings begin about Goyal’s prospects for league MVP.

Leagues Cup Announces Pneumatic Cannon Ball Stands AND MULTIBALL Mode

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, pneumatic cannon ball stands behind the goalkeepers and a new MULTIBALL mode for the upcoming Leagues Cup 2nd district Quarter Quell games.

MAJOR   LEAGUE  SOCCER

MAJOR

LEAGUE

SOCCER

“We are excited for the ON BRAND on fleek upcoming law changes,” stated director of radness for the Leagues Cup Dirk “Tubthumper” Williams. “Everyone in the United States has been saying that soccer is too boring for far too long. There’s only one answer to that….. BALL STANDS AND MULTIBALL!”

Sources within the Leagues Cup state that MULTIBALL will be instituted if the players on the field hit a branded gong three times during a five minute span. The Chick-fil-A Gong will be placed 25 feet above the head of the supporters section for each team. MULTIBALL will last for 5 minutes during which time there will be two legal balls jettisoned onto the field by a pneumatic air cannon attached to the Ball Stands behind the goal keepers.

BALL STANDS! Won’t   SOMEONE   think of the ball children impact by this?

BALL STANDS! Won’t SOMEONE think of the ball children impact by this?

“If a player manages to hit the gong 4 times during MULTIBALL, then an additional ball will be added to the field for a three ball MULTIBALL bonus,” stated Williams. “If players then light up letters on the ad boards that spell out Budweiser then they will gain an additional 100,000 points and they may trigger a bonus mode where six balls will be jettisoned into the middle of the field, offside doesn’t exist and all referees will ignore challenges for five minutes. ANYTHING GOES! BLOOD MUST FLOW! GOALS WILL HAPPEN! MLS! LEAGUE OF CHOICE!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Leagues Cup debates adding a libero player for both teams who uses only trampolines to cover the distance between goals.

Legions Of Women's Soccer Fans In United States Return To Hibernation For Another Four Years

UNITED STATES - The legions of very passionate women’s soccer fans in the United States announced their return to hibernation for another four years as the United States won the FIFA World Cup by defeating the Netherlands, today.

“It’s not our fault that FCKC left after winning two championships, it was the ownership. If we had better ownership we would all show up.”

“It’s not our fault that FCKC left after winning two championships, it was the ownership. If we had better ownership we would all show up.”

“We, the best fans in the world, had a great time following the World Cup these past few weeks,” stated the gathered masses at watch parties in Kansas City, Boston, New York, and Orlando. “We would like to thank the United States women for winning the World Cup and we promise to return, mostly, in 2023 as long as the team is good and has a chance to win the World Cup then as well.”

Reportedly, the best fans of Women’s Soccer in the world stated that a few of their number would watch the USWNT at the Olympics during the off year. As well, a very few number stated that they would watch any other game the USWNT would play in the in between time, however the vast majority indicated that four weeks was enough.

“We can’t be expected to support either physically or financially the Women’s Game if it doesn’t involve the United States Women’s Team. There is actually no other team in the United States but the United States Women,” stated the collected masses. “We wish there was some other opportunity to support another team, but there isn’t much time in our lives…. our favorite USWNT player isn’t on it…. we can’t find it on the television…..the league feesls minor league to us because no one is supporting it ….. we don’t know where they have teams…. no one watches the league anyway…. the quality isn’t as good as the USWNT…. we don’t want to drive that far… the stadium isn’t easily available….. it’s too hot…. it’s too cold….. we can’t root against our favorite player, anyway, you see it is really complicated.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a group of fans that can’t be bothered to purchase tickets to an NWSL game spends a few weeks planning her finances in order to spend the thousands of dollars she will need to travel any of the potential host countries for 2023.



INSPIRING! This Tone Deaf Supporter May Not Know The Words To Any Of The Songs, But That Doesn't Stop Him From Belting Them Out

Seattle, WA - Local technology consultant and longtime lanyard wearer Philip Thurgood admitted that he may not know any of the words to any of the songs sung in the Emerald City Supporters, but he woiuld’t let that keep him from belting out whatever he thinks they should be at a decibel splitting volume in the wrong key.

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“What’s important is hanging with the boys, singing for the boys and cold beer” stated Thurgood to The Nutmeg News as he purchased a half rack of Coors Light for his upcoming Team America Revolutionary Patriot themed USA v England watch party. “I don’t need to know the words to make an impact, I just need to be loud.”

People around Thurgood state that his commitment to singing “Hold On Columbia, hold on,” in the loudest screeching voice possible indicates his inspiring ability to overcome his apparent difficulty in learning the actual lyrics to any of the songs he hears roughly once every other year when he attends a Sounders game due to the tickets being gifted to him from a corporate partner.

“I tried to show him the lyrics but honestly we just need loud voices,” stated one anonymous ECS member.

“I think that song is like an old song from classic R&B artist Ne-Yo,” stated Thurgood. “We should be poppin bottles if we are talking bout holding on to our lovers.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on the inspiring heroes of the supporters groups that we all know and love.

England And United States Struggling To Contain The Right Wing And Also There's A Soccer Game

Worldwide pundits indicate that both England and the United States are struggling to contain the right wing and they also note that there’s a soccer game coming up between the two countries.

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“Indeed, I think that this strong right wing play could potentially lead to a disastrous outcome for the state of the worldwide geopolitical landscape,” stated William Foster Graham of the Peace Coalition Institute. “There’s also a football game between the two countries coming up which will allow all of us to be temporarily distracted from the kerfuffle going on around us that will likely end in ruins for most everyone involved.”

According to pollsters, most fans of the two countries are trying to rationalize their own world view against the prevailing interests of the politicians that vaguely represent their interests as individuals bellow their frustration into an un-listening void called, “the internet.”

“I’d really just like to buy a ticket to a soccer game and be able to drink a beer and forget about the state of everything that seems to be shitting on me on a daily basis,” stated soccer fan Julie Davids. “At this point, I’m just so overwhelmed with all this wing play that I would love to relax for 90 minutes, if it wasn’t a trip to the finals on the line.”

Soccer pundit Elizabeth Stewart stated that the fans of both countries should have a common set of experiences and interests that align them close together as long as they don’t read the newspapers, listen to commentators or read conspiracy laden online diatribes that soak into our every day life.

“Fans of both countries should be used to being marginalized pawns at the control of a large and moderately incompetent party that only seems to care every four years and is seemingly incapable of stopping the aggressive march of nationalism and racism on the rise ….. and also the soccer federations. So, here we are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as we try to speak to a historian about these connections, but they tell us that they’ve just given up explaining things to people anymore and that we are all on our own.

Woman Torn Between Rooting For United States And Rooting For The President

Des Moines, IA - 48 year old soccer fan, registered republican and Donald Trump supporter Ida Stonebrook admitted that she was torn between rooting for the United States in the World Cup and rooting for the President as he fulfills her recent dream of putting all immigrants from Guatemala in camps.

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“I support OUR President,” stated Stonebrook to The Nutmeg News. “And if rooting for France will allow me to hate Rapinoe and ensure that our streets are free of evil immigrants then I hope that the United States loses.”

Stonebrook admitted that she supported the United States in previous World Cups, but that the recent actions by Megan Rapinoe and the response by President Donald Trump to those actions made her reconsider her dedication to the United States.

“I will not support someone who does not stand and sing for the national anthem,” stated Stonebrook as she prepared snacks for the watch party through the playing of the American national anthem. "If loving the United States means hating the United States then I’m willing to hate the United States as long as the President of the United States tells me that hating the United States players is really loving the United States by rooting against the United States.”

With the game building to a fever pitch, Stonebrook celebrated the France goal with a vigorous USA-USA-USA chant as she became giddy with the idea of all the, “sad liberals if the United States loses this game.”

“I hope the United States loses so that the United States fans will understand that if you want the United States to win you need to root against the United States and support the President."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stonebrook forgets any of this ever happens in 5 years as she says, “I’m not political, and I wish they would keep it out of sports.”

"Ok, I'm Watching The Second Half Without Distractions," Tweets Man

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Rafael Murillo tweeted, “Ok, I’m watching the second half without distractions,” as he continued to surf Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook on his cell phone while the D.C. United and Orlando City game played in the background.

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According to Murillo, he spent most of the first half of the game looking at his cell phone, taking selfies with his Orlando City scarf for Instagram, looking for an appropriate GIF to represent the only passing sequence that he watched, hashtagging various comments about the rest of the game he wasn’t watching, looking up stats for Nani, and reading a Twitter thread about Ariana Grande and the New York Times Music section.

“I watched the first kick and…………….. um……………. hold on,” stated Murillo as he looked at a thread about concentration camps past and present. “And……. I…… uh……..uh……… Ok…… see this is pretty interesting right here,” he stated as he turned the phone to show an old picture of Times Square that was colorized to show fashion from the 1940’s.

While the game continued on in the second half, Murillo reportedly took a stand against his cell phone usage as he put the phone down emphatically, settled into the couch and watched intently for 30 seconds before picking up his phone to look up a reference made by the commentators that sent him into a fact finding frenzy that ended up with him joining an Orlando City discord chat room and posting Sponge Bob memes.

“It’s hard these days to have a focused attention,” stated Murillo as he looked at his cell phone again, unlocked the device with his fingerprint, locked it again and then put it back down before he picked it up again to scroll through the one Instagram picture posted in the 30 seconds since he looked at it last. “But I’m going to watch the last 15 minut………… oh man, hold on… you gotta see this freaking video of this goat.”

Murillo wrapped up his evening by tweeting, “that Acosta goal was a long time coming,” despite it being scored in the first half and being scored by Wayne Rooney.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Murillo’s festering depression about the world as a whole increases bit by bit as he continues to surf social media until 11:45 pm when he realizes that he needs to get up for work in 6 hours.

US Soccer Announces New HR Hotline For Reporting Co-Workers That Have Complaints

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced a new Human Resources initiative and hotline that will help employees within the federation report other employees who seem to have complaints about the way the federation is run.

According to Federation insiders, HR took down the successories posters and replaced them with these.

According to Federation insiders, HR took down the successories posters and replaced them with these.

In a memorandum to employees that was leaked to The Nutmeg News, the USSF indicated that their new Federation Cares initiative will allow employees to take complaints about complainers directly to Human Resources and the upper administrators of US Soccer.

“At US Soccer, we believe in providing a space free from harassment and online bullying of the federation. With our new Federation Cares initiative, this will allow YOU to safeguard the stability and longevity of the Federation by ensuring that all the employees with the Federation are positively collaborating in Workplace Activation to further the stability, longevity, and financial growth of the current and future administrations of the Federation,” stated the memorandum.

“Remember, employees, if you see something, say something. If you see Glassdoor open, see a personal email regarding workplace complaints, overhear a conversation that seems to reflect poorly on the Federation, or find out that employees are discussing pay or working hours then you can simply report these inside agitators to Human Resources who will work with our new counseling staff to gently reprogram these dissidents into fully productive members of the Federation. The Federation Cares initiative is directly connected to our Q4 financial goals and will directly impact our employee workplace satisfaction surveys that we will be performing prior to our Quarterly Employee Review process. Please remember the Refer A Friend program still applies to this initiative. There will be a bonus of $250 for each person you refer to Federation Cares that results in a positive Federation Cares reassignment.”

The Nutmeg News was able to speak an anonymous US Soccer employee who stated that he skimmed the email memorandum as he was already scheduled for a two meetings around the timing of the email.

“I’m happy that it appears that HR is finally listening to our complaints. I plan on letting them know a few of mine and hopefully they will take steps to make this a better workplace.”

We were unable to reach this employee for comment after our original email exchange.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer requires all permanent employees to meet in the Berhalter conference room for a two hour Human Resources seminar at 4:00 pm on “Safeguarding Our Information: Protecting The Company 101.”

Supporter Certain He Knows Exactly What Player Is Really Like From The 78 Minutes He Watches Of Him Once A Year

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake supporter Jeff Williams stated that he definitively knows exactly what kind of person Orlando City player Dom Dwyer is in his private life based upon the 78 minutes that he watches of Dwyer once a year.

Uh Oh, we used a picture where he is smiling. Someone find a picture where he is frowning to fit this profile!

Uh Oh, we used a picture where he is smiling. Someone find a picture where he is frowning to fit this profile!

“I tell you that you can know the character of a man by watching him for roughly 70 to 90 minutes once or twice a year,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I bet he punches puppies, kicks cats, and hunts harp seals with a club.”

Williams reportedly developed a one-sided problem with Dwyer over the past few years due to the way he perceives that Dwyer plays as he stated, “I cant stand him as a human being and a player. I don’t understand how anyone can love him. I bet he puts ketchup on hot dogs.”

Friends state that Williams is correct as they reportedly gushed at how much their hate of Dwyer extends into completely irrational areas.

“Jeff is right, you know,” stated RSL fan Damien Hernandez. “Dom Diver can’t be a good guy. Look at the way he plays. I bet he is on drugs all the time or something, but not the good kind of drugs.”

Despite all of this Dwyer continues to live out the rest of his life away from the peering eyes of Williams as he responded with a, “who?” when asked about the import of Williams opinion on his life.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a devastated Dwyer has a very boring lunch and checks on the weather.

Orlando Pride Supporter Getting Tattoo Hopes That It Won't Eventually Be A Reminder Of A Defunct League

Orlando, FL - Orlando Pride fan Theresa Sanchez stated that she hoped the new tattoo she was receiving that displayed her passion for the local NWSL side wouldn’t eventually turn into a reminder of the nature of another poorly run and defunct women’s soccer league.

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“I understand the danger of getting something that would rep a team that may not exist in a few years,” stated Sanchez to The Nutmeg News. “However, I know that my passion for Orlando and the Pride isn’t going anywhere even if the league collapses because the executives that supposedly are in charge don’t know what they are doing..”

According to friends, Sanchez decided to go ahead with the piece on her leg despite their warnings of seeing multiple women’s leagues in the United States fail.

“She said that she didn’t care,” stated good friend Paula Gutierrez. “She said that if it failed that she would try to choose to remember the good times she had with everyone rather than the horribly inept league executives..”

However, despite this bravado, Sanchez admitted her doubts saying, “I know this is a dangerous proposition because I know someone that almost got an FC Kansas City tattoo.I truly believe that If I love my team, then I love this tattoo no matter what. Worst case scenario I end up doing a cover-up with something Prince/Purple themed.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez hopes that the recent World Cup will draw attention to the league.

Camping Equipment Shoved In Corner Of Room A Constant Reminder Of Life Before New Mexico United

Albuquerque, NM - Camping equipment purchased for a loosely planned late June trip to the Red River area is, reportedly, a constant reminder of a life before New Mexico United for new soccer fan Paul Stephens as it remains shoved in the corner of his spare bedroom and office space.

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“Yep, I haven’t even set up the tent,” stated Stephens to The Nutmeg News. “I think I’m supposed to check the seams and look at the rain fly but…… I had a trip to Dallas recently so………… um………… yeah.”

According to friends, on June 19th, 2019 at roughly 11:45 pm Mr. Stephens cancelled a pending road trip to Ruidoso that was supposed to take place after July 4th as he stated, “OMG I DONT KNOWF GAME TIME, DO TRUNK NIGHT ROW.”

Good friend Jacob Evans stated, “We haven’t seen him as much this year for some reason. He keeps on inviting me out to watch a game, but honestly I’m a bit terrified that I’ll disappear into his Instagram posts from the stadium where he is smiling and waiving a flag. I have a life to live! I have a girlfriend! I don’t know if she will accept a soccer lifestyle.”

For his part, Stephens indicates that he will continue with this run of good fortune and fun following New Mexico United around the United States as he indicated his perpetual love for the team he got to know roughly four months ago.

“I’m New Mexico until I die or I get relocated due to work and have to follow the team from online streams,” stated Stephens. “I can’t wait for the game against Minnesota United! I told my team that I was going to have to skip the softball game that following weekend because I’m ttending that one with my frequent flier miles.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stephens realizes that his new soccer friends don’t know his old drinking, softball and camping friends.

FIFA To Let VAR Decide Rest Of World Cup

Zurich, CH - The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) stated that they would let Video Assisted Referee (VAR) decide the rest of the World Cup as they determined that their own referees, teams and competitive games were ancillary to the decisions of the robot overlords.

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“There is no reason to put these Females in harms way anymore,” stated FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “We can simply let VAR and our bank of computers decide what the outcome would be based upon previously existing games, player ratings, overall talent matrixes and the implicit bias against players that our referees admitted to us in private.”

FIFA referees stated their opposition to such a plan as they blasted FIFA for attempting to ruin the World Cup, however their objections to the federation were overturned by VAR.

“We thought we had a valid argument that fans deserve a World Cup tournament played by actual players and refereed by actual humans, but apparently we were wrong,” stated referee Claudia Ramirez. “Instead, according to VAR, we do not deserve these things as shown in this still frame displayed here.”

Players were reportedly informed by their federations that there would be no reason to stay in Paris anymore as they returned home to their domestic games.

“I certainly hope that VAR doesn’t ruin the rest of the NWSL season,” stated one anonymous player. “It seems like it is only a matter of time before all games are tabulated and run by VAR.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ………… no wait…… wait……….. we were just informed by VAR that will have no more on this.


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