Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News.
WAKE UP, AMERICA
By Graham Rutherford
It's time for your provincial selves to understand the etymology and pronunciation of the words that you use on a daily basis. It isn't Derby, it is pronounced Darby. It isn't soccer, it is pronounced Football.
Every day that goes by I see a thousand horrible usages and butchers spreading around the malfeasance known as American English. This game will not get any bigger until you start using the proper terminology pronounced the right way.
It is important to understand the beginning of the word Derby (editors note: pronounced darby) as it pertains to football. The lads had a kick about after the great war and announced that henceforth and forthwith we would pronounce it Derby as a way to differentiate between the middle class and the lower class of English society. In this way the lower class could infect the upper class with mispronounced words that would greatly detract from the upper classes ability to enunciate clearly the idea that we are putting forth.
When you Americans pronounce the word DUUUURBY it only adds to the level of upper class elitism that infects the worlds game at a core level. This is making you all right prats. You don't want to be right prats, America. You want to be a lad about town spending your pence and feeling fancy free. You wouldn't piss on a pot of bovril before you handed it out to the lads on a cold night in Stoke, would you? Therefore you wouldn't take away the intricate dance of class warfare that huddles behind the linguistically glorious fires of Glastonbury on a night where we drink our tea and talk of the Queen's address.
This affectation of proper pronunciation will colour your speech in a way that is intricately obvious to the insider outsider of the Isles. We will know that you are a simpleton simply by your incorrect pronunciation. This is about HP Sauce and chips and crisps and having a kick about. Blow me down with your linguistic skills and I wont box your ears.
Therefore (and forthwith) dispense with DUUUUURBY and commence with DARBY! Be a lad, a bloke, a top man and journey with us English into 2000 years of sexual congress with the English language.