Eastern Conference Fans Manage To Enjoy Their Teams Despite Knowing Their Conference Is Shit

Fans of Eastern Conference teams in Major League Soccer managed to really enjoy their teams and the games that they watched in person despite their knowledge that they play in a vastly inferior league to Major League Soccer West. 

In This Photo: Fans confident that they are watching the Timbers get relegated to the Eastern Conference. Mandatory Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

This satisfaction in the weekend came despite the fact that fans of eastern conference teams have been informed that they really they should give it all up and start working on their plein air painting and still life sculpting.

"Indeed, we have been informed only about 2,000 times in the last four years that the West is stronger than the East" said communications director of the Midnight Riders Jamison O'Flannery. "We thought about packing it all in about 3 years ago because it was clear that we were just vastly inferior, but then we realized that we were just going to support our team anyway because there was nothing we could do about it."

"I don't even know why they keep watching their teams" said Seattle Sounders fan Hoskins Brustace. "I mean, we all know the West is stronger. No one wants to watch an inferior product. They should just give up and convert to a Western team. Seriously, Eastern Conference.... get your shit together and just convert. We have more room on the Sounders bandwagon."

Despite this knowledge of conference inferiority, 19,000 + fans showed up to shamefully watch lower conference soccer as DC United played against the Philadelphia Union. The game began with an announcement from Major League Soccer stating, "You are watching two teams from the Eastern Conference. We can cancel this game and just show Dallas and Portland on the concourse televisions if enough people want us to do so."

In This Photo: 19,000 fans wondering if they could leave to watch real soccer played in Dallas.

Rumors exist that DC versus Philadelphia was indeed played to conclusion regardless of this offer, but no one on The Nutmeg News staff cared enough to see what the score was. We were quoted as saying "It's only the Eastern Conference. Does anyone care?"

Denver Based Liverpool Fan Insists "Main Stand In Anfield Doesn't Sing Like It Used"

Denver, CO - Denver based Liverpool fan, Charles McGinnis, is adamant that the main stand just doesn't sing the way it used to despite having never been to Liverpool.

"They just don't. You can tell through the online stream that I get from rojodirecta. I mean, I've never been to Liverpool, nor taken in a game at Anfield, but I read Red and White Kop (RAWK) religiously and I can tell you that the noise level has gone down from the main stand." said a cocksure and slightly inebriated McGinnis to the 2 people who still wanted to listen to his tirade.

"While I just started following Liverpool Football Club in 2012, this shouldn't preclude me from having an opinion on the veracity of the atmosphere in Anfield. I mean, I watch every game, I'm a fan, I have opinions. You should understand that my opinions are important."

While perhaps accurate, McGinnis' point has been lost behind a myriad of shitty behavior and drunken braggadocio that made him the persona non-grata for Liverpool fans in Denver.

"He just thinks he knows everything and while he is here at the bar for every game, it gets a bit tiring to hear him pronounce his encyclopedic knowledge on a team and place that he hasn't even visited." said bartender Ismail Hartwig.

While McGinnis is still on the 36th different version of plans that he claims will take him to Anfield, but will likely end up with him taking a trip to Boston to watch a friendly with Liverpool in about 5 years, he isn't being a defeatist about his opinions. "I know I'm right and if I get a chance to go over to Anfield I'll teach those Scousers how to sing. GLORY GLORY LIVERPOOOOOOL"

Madison 56ers Caught Using Betamax Copy of 1979 UEFA Cup Game Instead Of Livestreaming NPSL Playoffs

Madison, WI - The Madison 56ers were caught using an old betamax copy of the 1979 UEFA Cup Game  of Skeid Fotball versus Ipswich Town F.C. instead of livestreaming the NPSL playoffs.

"We just didn't have the money to hire someone to come out and live stream the Detroit City v AFC Cleveland game, so we just added a small selection of Northern Guard members into the crowd in post production and rebroadcast the Ipswich game instead." said president of the 56ers Tim Hanson. "We know that we owe it to the fans, but honestly... what fans? We get roughly 10 people to show up for a game and most of those people actually are the ones that our players talk into coming out for support"

While the game looked suspiciously crappy for even a stream, the deception was confirmed when the audio cut in to yell "Frans Thijssen with a goal in the 38th minute for Ipswich! What a game!"

The 56ers released an statement immediately after "we'd offer an apology and a refund, but you got the stream for free and we spent all our money painting the yellow lines on the field and renting the additional porta-potties for the Northern Guard. So you can just piss off."

The NPSL, for their part, released a statement saying, "We would do something but we can't and we won't. So there. Anything else?"

Lily Dale Spiritual Mediums Inform Of MLS Predictions From George Washington

Spiritual Mediums from Lily Dale Assembly (the worlds largest center for the religion of spirtitualism) have confirmed that George Washington has reached out to them from the great beyond with his picks for the upcoming Major League Soccer games.

In This Photo: A whole load of dead famous people and not one plumber. Because no one was a nondescript plumber who never married and died alone of a heart attack in his one room shack in East Windsor in their past life.

The mediums announced that they would give away half of the picks for this weeks game, however in order to get the full picks you will have to tip them 100 dollars per pick in order to keep a cleansed aura.

The picks of former president and currently dead man George Washington are as follows:

#1 Real Salt Lake and Sporting Kansas City draw

#2 Columbus defeats Toronto FC

#3 Seattle and Montreal draw

#4 New England over Chicago

The mediums said that they were able to gather a very strong impression from Washington that he suggests anyone should parlay the New England and Columbus game  with the US v Panama third place game, but that George Washington said to be afraid of the spread.

However, they did advise a word of caution from taking betting tips from a man that is dead and clearly not a soccer fan in the first place.

The Nutmeg News will have more from Lily Dale when they conjure up Thomas Paine to talk about salary inefficiencies in the current salary cap environment as it impacts team playoff successes and how to play that against current betting trends.

OPINION: Passionate Fan On Twitter Looking To Chat About My Team Unless We Disagree

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from @EchoChamber_SoccerChat of Twitter. The viewpoints and opinions of @EchoChamber_SoccerChat do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

I work in an office, I have a pretty important job, and people like to talk sports from time to time. However, when I start to talk about "registas and their deployment in the modern game versus a pressure defense that collapses around zone 14 and how this impacted last week’s game" with co-workers their eyes glaze over and I can tell immediately they have no idea what it means to be a true soccer fan.

So I decided to seek out my conversations on Twitter where I can find people who are more up to par with my level of expertise and are willing to discuss these high-level matters. That is, as long as they don’t disagree with me, then I will dismiss them outright.

In order to generate conversations I first start by retweeting anything and everything I find. If I do this enough it gives the impression that I am completely plugged into my team and am actually generating some kind of original content. In reality I’m just looking for someone to reply to a story so I can weigh their opinions against my own and then dismantle their argument and Twitter-block them if they have no idea what they are talking about.

For instance during the July transfer window our club acquired a younger player with great potential and I was furious that we didn’t get a high-level player like Balotelli or Zlatan. I re-tweeted the story and said that I was disappointed in how our small market team was acting like a small market team. Someone actually had the nerve to reply to me and say that our club can’t afford more than this because we ARE a small market team and that our ownership is probably doing the best with what they have.

It was unbelievable. I immediately Twitter-muted him and wrote about how fans like him were the problem with all that is going wrong because as long as we have this vision of us being small market we will always remain small market.  This is not how things are run in Barcelona, Manchester City, or even Los Angeles. It’s ridiculous.  Some of my followers agreed with my argument so we sent some funny memes back and forth for a while. 

When it comes to soccer discussion people need to realize that you’re either brilliant, or you’re shit. If you want to be brilliant follow me on Twitter and we can talk soccer and agree with everything I say. Follow me at:  @EchoChamber_SoccerChat

Nation's Referees To Soccer Players, "Keep Trying To Argue With Us You Little Punks."

The nations referees banded together today to release a statement.

"Keep trying to argue with us you little punks"

Spokesman Jair Marrufo had the following to say, "Despite the fact that no referee in the history of Major League Soccer has ever reversed a card because someone decided to scream in his face, you guys keep doing it. So I'm going to say, Bring It On. We are going to card the living shit out of each and every one of you. We will ensure that games finish a man down, that you get suspended and that your team loses. WE ARE THE LAW."

In This Photo: ZERO - FUCKS - GIVEN

Despite the bombastic statement from Marrufo, Major League Soccer has no intention of calming down their referees or even improving them.

"To be honest, we are a little afraid of them" said commissioner Don Garber. "We all know that Baldomero has a really big temper and this one time he walked into the headquarters with a piece around his waist. He threw his gun on the table and said, 'this is your red card' after he was told that he needs to clean up the games that he calls."

Statistical Fact: Toledo once red carded his mother and sent her off for bringing sub-standard food to a family reunion.

However, Mark Geiger had a different take on the relationship between referees and Major League Soccer where he equated refereeing in Major League Soccer to some kind of pro-wrestling level of interference where the impetus was placed on the referees to keep the games entertaining. 

"We are here to make sure that Dax McCarty takes his heel turn on time and that the big clubs never get too big" said Geiger to a collection of bookmakers. "It is not so important to follow the laws of the game, but rather to referee based upon the way that will make the game more entertaining as is dictated by the head honchos in Major League Soccer and Pro Referees. I mean what is more excited than a nonsensical call at an important part in the game that reduces a team to 10 men."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen, over and over and over.

Jurgen Klinsmann On Hot Seat After Toilet Malfunction

Atlanta, GA - Head coach of the United States Men's National Team and Jay Goppingen apologist, Jurgen Klinsmann, was found to literally be on the hot seat after a toilet malfunction on his plush 24 karat gold heated toilet seat pushed the temperatures in excess of "pleasurably warm".

"Happiness is a warm ass cheek..... almost as pleasurable as a barium enema, wouldn't you say?"

The head coach of the United States was relaxing his body and surreptitiously pooping at his hotel in Atlanta after getting knocked out of the Gold Cup and visiting the Clermont Lounge for some comfort.

"Only the steely embrace of Blondie and her beer crushing boobs of glory can make me forget about the heading prowess of Darren Mattocks," said Klinsmann as rescue crews attempted to remove the hot seat that was fused to his ass. "While it is true that we did not win on the field, I killed it at the Clermont and I had all the ladies in the place saying, JA!"

While Klinsmann was unable to remove the hot seat immediately he delayed calling the paramedics until the seat was attached so tight because he feared that the paramedics response would not make it to his hotel. "I heard many fans telling Jamaican's to go home, during our loss to them. I was afraid that this basic lack of understanding how to get to Jamaica would carry over to the ability of the paramedics. Luckily it looks like they did understand how to get from point A to point B."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the hot seat of Klinsmann in the coming weeks.

Missing Minnesota United Reserves Found Attending NPSL Executive Clown College

Minneapolis, MN -- The missing Minnesota United reserves that caused the team to forfeit the final game of the season against the Indiana Fire simultaneously screwing FC Buffalo out of an NPSL playoff position were found attending the NPSL clown college and seminary on Thursday morning.

In This Photo: The 2015 graduating class of NPSL executives

"We decided to let the United Reserves forfeit a few games here or there to continue on their studies to become NPSL executives through our Clown College accreditation program." said NPSL Chairman Of The Board Joe Barone. "Granted, FC Buffalo were completely screwed by the simple fact that a team certified to play in our competition didn't have enough players to actually show up, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. I mean they are Minnesota United reserves, they need to figure out a way to have gainful employment cause they aren't making it to the big leagues any time soon."

While no one can blame the Indiana Fire, FC Buffalo has issued a press release stating that they are just happy that the missing Minnesota United Reserve players were found.

"While we got totally screwed because an organization that is supposedly going to go 'Major League' couldn't even manage to field a competent reserve team that would fulfill their commitments to playing a game with honor and integrity while simultaneously just actually existing, we find it difficult to hold a grudge. After all, just because Minnesota United and the Minnesota United reserves are a piece of shit, doesn't mean that we have to perpetually hold a grudge."

The NPSL board had the following to say, "We just don't care. Does anyone?"

In a similar fashion, The Nutmeg News can report that Minnesota United apparently entered a team in the WAKA kickball league but had to pull out after two games because they just couldn't convince enough employees to show up.  

The Nutmeg News will have more on this issue as it continues to develop.

Pioneers Of Equality: Portland Thorns Prove To 21,000 That Women's Soccer Can Be As Boring As Men's Soccer

Portland, OR - In an attempt at proving equality between men and women, the Portland Thorns managed to shit the bed in front of a sellout crowd of over 21,000 fans on Wednesday night proving that Women's soccer can be as boring as Men's soccer.

In This Photo: 21,114 fans trying to figure out how early they can leave to beat traffic while not making it TOO obvious they are leaving. -- AP Photo/Don Ryan

"Our goal was to prove that we are all the same" said Thorns midfielder McCall Zerboni "We wanted to show that we can collectively shit the bed with regards to play and coaching just like the men. I think we stomped it out of the park." 

While the opponent on the evening, the Seattle Reign, dominated the game in nearly every aspect on the night the Thorns fans tried to be happy just being there.

"I really wish that they had a bigger autograph table and some more face painting." said Stephen Brooks from Portland, OR.

"The more beer I drink, the more entertaining this game gets." said Lucy Rander from Beaverton, OR.

"I actually don't remember more than five minutes of the game, mostly because I was talking to friends, running errands, taking care of the kid and getting food. To be fair, it sounds like I didn't miss anything." said Timothy Ponderson of Vancouver, WA.

"This game is just awful, but the crowd is great. I'm having a good time not having a good time. I'm very confused about this whole thing." said Barbara Hawthorne of Salem, OR.

While the Thorns may not have capitalized on the swell of numbers from the Women's World 
Cup, they did manage to obtain their participation ribbons on the night. 

"What we were able to prove is that we are equal to anyone of any gender here in Portland. At least off the field and in the stands, where I was. Just like Nationwide, it IS on your side. Have you thought about your insurance options today? You should look at Nationwide." said forward Alex Morgan.

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Kim Little of the Seattle Reign about the game and the crowd on Wednesday night and she had the following to say.

"Well, congratulations to them for getting such a big crowd. All I know is that I scored a goal and we won. We are 8 points clear of them and they are near the bottom. But they did have a great crowd, so they have that going for them.... which is nice."

Major League Soccer To Abandon Schedule For Season Of Friendlies

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today released a statement which announced that they would be abandoning the current schedule of MLS teams against MLS teams to have their franchises run 9 friendlies against different teams around the world for about 3 months during the summer.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Don Garber about the issue and he had the following to say,

"We realized that we could pull in 93,000 for LA Galaxy against Barcelona. We aren't getting 93,000 for LA Galaxy v Colorado Rapids so why not dispense with the competition mechanism of this season and just focus on making money."

Teams will now not travel at all during the season and instead will be visited by barnstorming teams from Europe and South America until the interest in these international teams dries up.

"We already are having teams like Paris Saint-Germain, Barcelona, Chelsea, Manchester United playing our clubs, and we have seen teams like Athletic Bilbao, Club Tijuana, and Club America playing in the United States as well. It only makes sense to just dispense with the machinations about the 'club season' and just get down to brass tacks. IE: Let's sell out some stadiums, sell some European merchandise and pack people in for a few months. If we really focus on making sure our product is decent enough to not lose 10-0, then we can really say that we are on the competitive level with the rest of the world."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this change as it happens.

Man Bases Soccer Allegiance On Kits Available At Ross Dress For Less

Bloomington, MN - Soccer fan Jeremiah Glasstone has had a foolproof way of finding his soccer allegiances over the last few years and he shared his secrets with us recently.

"I base all my allegiances upon the kits that I can find in the athletic section at the Ross Dress For Less in the Mall Of America."

Mr. Glasstone admits that he is a Cosmos, Manchester United, Chivas Guadalajara fan, although he was a Pumas fan for about a year and a half til he found a Chivas kit that was in a large.

"It's amazing what you can find at these stores, it's never local things but you can find kits that would cost you $100 in the stores for $20. It's amazing. Being a sports fan has never been a cheaper experience."

While Mr. Glasstone admits that his loyalty is pretty cheap, he says that he has amassed a variety of sports allegiances including being a fan of the English, Brazil, and Spanish national teams. 

"I also was able to find a Cosmos windbreaker, a Sporting Kansas City polo and a Chicago Fire scarf, but until I am able to find a kit in my size I won't start to switch my loyalty" said Mr. Glasstone.

Leaving things up to random, Mr Glasstone fully admits that his local soccer loyalty is up for grabs. 

"I keep on hearing about Minnesota United and their chance at going to Major League Soccer, but until they are big enough to have a massive amount of what will likely be an ugly kit dumped off at third hand retailers before they hit Goodwill, I won't be a fan. I'd love to support a local team, so hopefully they make it big enough to have their kits depreciate to the point where I can be a fan of theirs."

Sepp Blatter Making It Rain For Women's Soccer

Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced his initiative to make it rain in the club as part of a trickle down theory to help women's soccer. 

"I plan on making sure that the females in the game that can't afford to play soccer professionally can now work in a strip club, where I will make it rain just like this for their finances," said Blatter as he tossed a handful of cash into the air.

THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR - IF YOU'RE A TRUE PLAYER

Blatter said that while some might find this policy sexist and exclusive that he doesn't believe an old man tossing money at young women will become a problem from an equality standpoint, "We are planning on ensuring that we have poles for male players that cannot afford their debts as well. I have been informed that if I make my strip club a mixed gender zone that I cannot get sued for gender discrimination. I believe in equal exploitation as long as everyone understands that there basically won't be any male dancers."

Blatter's club will be known as "Uncle Sepp's Tight Pants" and will be opening worldwide in Berlin, Tokyo and Rapid City, South Dakota (next to the Shotgun Willies).

Mr. Blatter finished his remarks by addressing the assembled press corps, "I'm offering 10,000 euros to the first person to massage my feet and I'm willing to go up to 50,000 euros if you are an adventurous person. I have a camera and a van, we can make history tonight."

That Stream You Use To Illegally Watch The Game Tonight Is Going To Cut Out

The nation's collection of people who stream games to the internet who are dedicated to ensuring that everyone who wants to watch the game but can't because they aren't in front a TV, they cut their cable or they just are streaming it while their friend watches re-runs of Bering Sea gold are comfortable making a guarantee that the stream you use to illegally watch the game tonight is going to cut out when one of the teams is running at goal.  

"It's part of our package" said game streamer Hugh Jazz (EDITORS NOTE: clearly a pseudonym given to escape prosecution). "We ensure that right about the time your team runs at goal we are going to disconnect our server and then reconnect again so that it stutters, disconnects and then reconnects after your team has shot the ball 20 feet over the net."

While this service doesn't impact millions of people, it none the less is part of the  ritual of streaming games of all kind through the internet.

"Look this is the deal we make." said Levi Strauss (EDITORS NOTE: again with the pseudonym's, guys?) "We give up our cable and have to deal with some 14 year old kid plugging and unplugging the stream. Honestly, if I didn't have this to complain about I don't know what I would do. What would we talk about on twitter DURING the game? The game? Fuck that."

While the stream is guaranteed to bog down during the game itself, the inverse is true during the halftime show. At that point your stream will be crystal clear and never drop displaying the talking heads and their inane commentary in full, clear HD.

"This is all part of the package" said Michael Hunt (EDITORS NOTE: Ok, that's clearly offensive, there's no way he gave that name..... Wait.... He did? Well change it then.) said Richard Little.  (EDITORS NOTE: Sigh) 

The Nutmeg News will have 

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As your stream buffers before a shot and during the goal celebration.

Nation On The Brink: Soccer Caught On Video Giving Kids A Taste Of Product In School Yard

NATION ON THE BRINK: The downfall of the United States and Canada highlights the glorious demise of these two countries as they slowly and chaotically fall for the quixotic charms of the so-called beautiful game.

The anthropomorphic physical embodiment of soccer was caught on video giving kids a taste of product in order to get them hooked on the game in school yards around the corners of the United States and Canada on Friday.

Anti-Soccer activists and major league baseball executives were circulating a video released by Matt Drudge and Fox News showing what was purportedly soccer hooking kids on the game by introducing them to clips of Lionel Messi, free FIFA 15 video games and a stack of player signed kits "just to give them a taste".

"I gotta get them at an early age" said soccer on the video tape. "Once you get them hooked on the good stuff, then you start cutting it with MLS, the USL and the NASL. They just get hooked and can't have enough."

Fox News reported that this new addiction to soccer is creating a nation of junkies roaming the streets for a soccer fix. They said you can identify them by the tight nature of their pants, the crusts around their eyes from playing FIFA til 3 in the morning and their ability to name the transfer targets of Lazio despite thinking that no one should support that club because of their ties to fascist fans and players in the past. 

"Strung out soccer junkies are just kicking around everywhere on what used to be little league baseball fields" said resident crank Andy Deford. "This used to be a wholesome country, we used to speak English and watch Louis Armstrong punch the moon from the middle of his jazz trombone. Now we have kids getting hooked on soccer at an early age that are talking some jibber-jabber about trequartistas and registas and Xavi and Iniesta. It's an abomination against our traditional values instilled in us by our immigrant forefathers who left the shores of England to avoid the repressive soccer loving regime of so-called Kings." 

While this video purports to show soccer getting little kids hooked on the game, the fans of the game say that the comments and video have been edited out of context. 

"Sure, kids are learning to love soccer, but what is wrong with that. Love is love" said Duncan Jones, web developer and soccer loving communist. "Soccer does tend to have an impact on the youth and our ever expanding globalization is making the game at the highest levels more accessible to the youth of our nation."

After stating the above rationalization for an army of junkie soc-heads gakked out on the ball and the needle that fills the ball with air, Mr Jones than retired to his bed to think of new ways to get kids addicted to smack-ing the ball around the field.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this controversy as it continues.

MLSPU Salary Dump Launches A Thousand Blog Posts

The Major League Soccer Players Union salary dump is like Christmas, a birthday and a really sad party all rolled into one for the giant blogosphere that rotates around the core of Major League Soccer, and this year was no exception as thousands of blog posts were launched after the dump of salary information this morning.

"I can get at LEAST four columns, maybe even five out of the numbers in this piece" said blogger for NYCFC, Grant Hammond.

"Not only can I write a 'this is how much people are getting paid' article, but I can also use it as reference in nearly every player piece going forward" said writer Jimmy Thompson.

"I'm going to craft a bunch of visuals to explain everything. Sadly, I won't get paid for this, but hopefully if I do it enough for free I'll eventually figure out some way to monetize all the hard work that I've put into this." said statistician Carl Davids.

Meanwhile, the collected front offices of Major League Soccer also released a statement that read, "The numbers you see are all incorrect and you should base absolutely nothing upon them. As well, if you do base anything upon them we will send our people over to ensure that you are embarrassed publicly. As well, we will not actually be releasing the correct numbers that only we know. Thank you."

Wayne Rooney Would Consider Playing In Three Cities "When That Time Comes"

Premier League star Wayne Rooney has admitted that he would consider playing in Major League Soccer when he gets closer to retirement provided that he gets to pick from the three cities in which he plays.

"I would absolutely consider playing in New York City, Los Angeles or Miami" said Rooney through bites of a meat pie. "I mean, I plan on naming my price and naming my city and if the MLS wants me, they will cave in a really big way".

While the idea of Rooney playing for Columbus, Colorado, or Kansas City is attractive to the fans of those teams, everyone knows that Rooney is only going to go to a big market team and his acquisition will likely result in a new rule change placed to allow him to be acquired by the team that he deems is worthy of his service.

"I like the idea of playing in New York, because of the nightlife and food. Then again, I like the idea of playing in Los Angeles, because of the nightlife and food. Wherever I find the nightlife and the food, I'll like playing there... as long as it is in Los Angeles or New York. MAAAAYBE Miami, but I don't know how that team is doing this year."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Rooney's retirement in 3 or 4 years.

Chicago Fire Fan Continues Slow Descent Into Insanity By Insisting "Everything's Fine, Trust Ownership"

CHICAGO - Fire Fan Drew MacGrady is continuing his slow descent into insanity by insisting that "everything is fine, trust ownership" after the Fire's apathetic 1-0 loss to the Columbus Crew on Wednesday night.

"We may not look like the best, but they have plans to make us the best. And even though they haven't done anything at all that would give us any indication of a positive trend and we have objectively gotten completely worse over the last few years, we still should trust that they know what they are doing" said MacGrady to confused people in the concourse after the loss. 

Mr. MacGrady has gotten so fed up with disappointed fans that he has taken to picketing his own supporters by holding up "Fire fans out, except me" two-sticks and a "Andrew Hauptman Took My Mom Out For A Nice Steak Dinner And He Was Lovely" banner. 

"It is important to know that we don't know what they know.  Hauptman is GOD," screamed MacGrady towards the Harlem End at the 86th minute of the game while holding up his two-sticks and berating everyone around him that wasn't booing the supporters who were watching as the Fire struggled to connect passes and do anything more than lump the ball up field with the speed of a rabid jackalope.

"None of those assholes know what they know, what they think I think about what they should know. The ownership are trying, they are suffering for this club, all the fans do is hand over money. I think we should give over more of our money. MORE MONEY FOR HAUPTMAN. MORE MONEY FOR HAUPTMAN!" 

Despite having the worst points per game in the league and an inability to have a game plan other than "Hit it deep and pray" MacGrady is still confident that this will all turn around. 

"People call me crazy, but I'll be that one man army for Andrew Hauptman. Granted he has never won anything and we are just spinning our wheels in the league, but when we win the US Open Cup it will completely validate his seemingly horrific choices nearly everywhere else. And then I will use that information to berate my fellow fans because they are all wrong."

The Nutmeg News will continue to monitor the slow decline of Mr MacGrady and the Fire as it happens.

Elected Officials Beholden To Corporate Interests Question Soccer Officials Beholden To Corporate Interests About Soccer

Members of Congress, today, questioned representatives from US Soccer about how to find and procure bribes that would help them quit their day jobs as senators. 

"How exactly did Sepp Blatter obtain bribes and can this be extrapolated to say, for example and this is totally hypothetical, a state senator?" said Lindsay Graham, Senator from South Carolina.

"When we talk about briefcases full of money, are we talking large briefcases or small briefcases?" said Marco Rubio, Senator from Florida.

Senators questioned Dann Flynn, CEO and secretary general of US Soccer, about the ways and methodologies of a corrupt organization in an effort to better understand how to apply this in a general sense for the senate.

"We often talk about subsidies from corporate America, but these contributions to our campaigns are still above-the-board corruption" said Jerry Moran, Senator from Kansas "We would like to better understand the efforts of Chuck Blazer and Jack Warner. These are men that are considered legends in our industry."

While the talks between the United States Senate and US Soccer will continue, many that are covering the talks indicate that literally nothing will come from this except the entertainment of everyone that cares enough to watch the feed on C-SPAN3, the ESPN8 of C-SPAN.

Bruce Arena Speaks, "I Run This Fu%*ing League"

LOS ANGELES - From a mansion overlooking the city of Malibu, Bruce Arena released a bombastic statement after the LA Galaxy acquired Giovanni Dos Santos.

"I run this fucking league" said the coach and general manager of the Galaxy.

"I have 5 MLS championships, I have 3 coach of the year awards, I have 3 supporters shield trophies and I don't even give a shit about the supporters shield. I own all of your owners, your coaches and your league and you should feel bad. I brought in Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, and Giovanni Dos Santos to the same team. I had Pope, Agoos, Etcheverry and Moreno on DC United. I've won both conferences seven times. Hell, the league has only been around 19 years and I was gone for 8 of those years coaching the United States.  I sign the players you want your team to sign. I get the league to bend the rules so that my team can sign them. We need Giovanni Dos Santos in this league, did you not think that MLS would find a way so that we could get Dos Santos in this league? For Me? Absolutely. You can take your 'nice owners' or your 'accessible general managers' and put them right next to that blank spot in your trophy case. I'm already starting to think about back to back championships and there is no reason to think that we aren't going to be ready to compete this year and dominate the next. They talk about parity in this league? Fuck Parity. We take parity out back and pay it to go away. If parity is the Los Angeles Galaxy winning three out of the last four championships, then we love that everyone seems to believe in parity. Your front office has to scout harder, get up earlier and prepare more diligently just to get to the level that we are when we wake up in the morning. Now all must bow before the Bruce!"

Reports from Arena's compound indicate that he was feverishly dictating this screed while wearing a silk bathrobe and watching repeat viewings of Scarface. 

Giovanni Dos Santos To Buy And Sell DC United Roster

LOS ANGELES - New Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder Giovanni dos Santos has announced his intention to take a portion of his rumored 6 million dollar salary to buy and sell the entire DC United roster. 

"It is my goal to not only diversify my money; but, as well, eliminate the competition by buying and selling all the players on DC United and then with every other team in the league until there is only the LA Galaxy left." said dos Santos in a press release.

Given that the Giovanni dos Santos rumored transfer of 7 million dollars alone is more than all but three teams paid for their entire roster during the 2014 season, the Mexican midfielder and national team stalwart should have no issue buying and selling nearly every team in the league.

Dos Santos also announce the foundation of a new initiative in the league for young players, "I also plan to start a Gio's Kids charitable foundation to help pay and subsidize young players throughout the league that are not even making enough money to live on their own. We plan to start with our first player, Jack McBean, and give him a scholarship that will allow him to flourish as a professional outside this league. It is important to give these young players a chance to leave this league so they can come back as a player from overseas and make a truck load of money due to that distinction."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Giovanni Dos Santos transfer.