NATION ON THE BRINK: The downfall of the United States and Canada highlights the glorious demise of these two countries as they slowly and chaotically fall for the quixotic charms of the so-called beautiful game.
The anthropomorphic physical embodiment of soccer was caught on video giving kids a taste of product in order to get them hooked on the game in school yards around the corners of the United States and Canada on Friday.
Anti-Soccer activists and major league baseball executives were circulating a video released by Matt Drudge and Fox News showing what was purportedly soccer hooking kids on the game by introducing them to clips of Lionel Messi, free FIFA 15 video games and a stack of player signed kits "just to give them a taste".
"I gotta get them at an early age" said soccer on the video tape. "Once you get them hooked on the good stuff, then you start cutting it with MLS, the USL and the NASL. They just get hooked and can't have enough."
Fox News reported that this new addiction to soccer is creating a nation of junkies roaming the streets for a soccer fix. They said you can identify them by the tight nature of their pants, the crusts around their eyes from playing FIFA til 3 in the morning and their ability to name the transfer targets of Lazio despite thinking that no one should support that club because of their ties to fascist fans and players in the past.
"Strung out soccer junkies are just kicking around everywhere on what used to be little league baseball fields" said resident crank Andy Deford. "This used to be a wholesome country, we used to speak English and watch Louis Armstrong punch the moon from the middle of his jazz trombone. Now we have kids getting hooked on soccer at an early age that are talking some jibber-jabber about trequartistas and registas and Xavi and Iniesta. It's an abomination against our traditional values instilled in us by our immigrant forefathers who left the shores of England to avoid the repressive soccer loving regime of so-called Kings."
While this video purports to show soccer getting little kids hooked on the game, the fans of the game say that the comments and video have been edited out of context.
"Sure, kids are learning to love soccer, but what is wrong with that. Love is love" said Duncan Jones, web developer and soccer loving communist. "Soccer does tend to have an impact on the youth and our ever expanding globalization is making the game at the highest levels more accessible to the youth of our nation."
After stating the above rationalization for an army of junkie soc-heads gakked out on the ball and the needle that fills the ball with air, Mr Jones than retired to his bed to think of new ways to get kids addicted to smack-ing the ball around the field.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this controversy as it continues.