LOS ANGELES - From a mansion overlooking the city of Malibu, Bruce Arena released a bombastic statement after the LA Galaxy acquired Giovanni Dos Santos.
"I run this fucking league" said the coach and general manager of the Galaxy.
"I have 5 MLS championships, I have 3 coach of the year awards, I have 3 supporters shield trophies and I don't even give a shit about the supporters shield. I own all of your owners, your coaches and your league and you should feel bad. I brought in Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, and Giovanni Dos Santos to the same team. I had Pope, Agoos, Etcheverry and Moreno on DC United. I've won both conferences seven times. Hell, the league has only been around 19 years and I was gone for 8 of those years coaching the United States. I sign the players you want your team to sign. I get the league to bend the rules so that my team can sign them. We need Giovanni Dos Santos in this league, did you not think that MLS would find a way so that we could get Dos Santos in this league? For Me? Absolutely. You can take your 'nice owners' or your 'accessible general managers' and put them right next to that blank spot in your trophy case. I'm already starting to think about back to back championships and there is no reason to think that we aren't going to be ready to compete this year and dominate the next. They talk about parity in this league? Fuck Parity. We take parity out back and pay it to go away. If parity is the Los Angeles Galaxy winning three out of the last four championships, then we love that everyone seems to believe in parity. Your front office has to scout harder, get up earlier and prepare more diligently just to get to the level that we are when we wake up in the morning. Now all must bow before the Bruce!"
Reports from Arena's compound indicate that he was feverishly dictating this screed while wearing a silk bathrobe and watching repeat viewings of Scarface.