Vancouver Whitecaps Rookie Hazing Going Too Far

Vancouver, BC - Images surfaced this weekend of rookie Mitch Piraux, from the Vancouver Whitecaps, sporting an atrocious new haircut that was apparently done as part of the hazing rituals that have started to spiral out of the team manager’s control.

We spoke with Whitecaps manager Carl Robinson to get his reaction. “I understand that the players like to have fun and tease new recruits, but that haircut. Jesus. That thing would make Yedlin cringe. ”

TNN interviewed one of the Whitecap players on the condition of anonymity to learn more about other instances of hazing. “I came to Vancouver thinking I was joining up with professional soccer players, not a bunch of frat boys. Being forced to eat poutine until you vomit and then the last one to do so has to shotgun a Molson beer? I know this is Vancouver but come on, I would still like to keep a shred of my dignity left. Maybe I should have gone to the USL.”

While the MLS front office has officially condemned hazing rituals it is very difficult to enforce. We spoke with MLS disciplinary committee member Taylor Borgnine to find out what they are planning to do to crack down on this behavior.

“Well obviously we investigate every instance that is reported but the problem is finding people to come forward. It’s hard to get someone to admit that they were force to streak through a Tim Hortons without apologizing to the patrons. Some of the more serious allegations carry some potential criminal penalties as well, such as animal cruelty charges for moose tipping. We just don’t think we’re going to be able to do much but we’ll try.”

Not Your Mothers Crew Neck

Columbus, OH - With viewership numbers of recent Columbus Crew games stagnating, the Crew front office and Adidas decided to go with the utterly unique approach of exposure for exposure.

"We decided to focus on the exposure of our natural assets" said PR director Norman Pinedale. "Our entire women's line of Crew kits will contain a naturally enhanced scoop neck to display the bountiful breasts that our women supporters have. We focused our entire women's fashion reach out campaign around New Crew, New You, Dem Titties and the response from our male fans was overwhelming." 

The Nutmeg News reached out to the National Organization for Women for comment with no reply.

Orlando City Fans Prove They Watched Green Street Hooligans

Charleston, SC - Before the Carolina Challenge Cup kicked off, small segments of Orlando City fans reportedly reached an agreement to show off their extensive knowledge of Green Street Hooligans, The Football Factory, and Among The Thugs.

“We realized that with going into MLS it was literally like Elijah Wood going into West Ham United” said Gerry Steinblatz, a 26 year old bank teller who traveled up from Boca Raton, FL to support Orlando City. “I mean, this is not our town, not our tournament and we are playing meaningless pre-season games so we figured why not smash up a bunch of stuff, steal banners and act like complete idiots like they do in the movies. I've always wanted to scream ‘journo’ at random people for no reason and this seemed like the perfect time.”

Dan Katzenbjurgen, a 22 year old unemployed Tufts University French Literature graduate, illuminated the situation even more, “We talked about a lot of stuff, most people were in favor of just simply urinating on everything to claim our space, some people wanted to smear feces on the ground to prevent other groups from travelling past our territory, some of us even wanted to engage in a penis measuring contest with rulers and a live stream. However, in the end, we figured that we would just get drunk, at like a bunch of dicks and take stuff that didn’t belong to us. It was a hell of a time. I even talked my friend Bobby into wandering down the street slightly forlornly singing ‘i’m forever blowing bubbles’ while I filmed him. We had a grand old day at the derby match, laddie, and I might be a top boy now, mate!”

The Nutmeg News spoke to an Ultras group with Spartak Moscow about the code and conduct of these fan groups and they said the following, “attacking unmanned tents and taking the gear of fans that don’t even have a team? What a bunch of assholes.”

San Jose Fans Leave While Game Is Being Played

Sacramento, CA - San Jose fans known as the 1906 Ultras decided to leave the stands during a friendly with Sacramento Republic FC after two minutes in the game had elapsed.

Despite travelling over 238 miles round trip from San Jose to Sacramento, the San Jose fan group left after supposedly being told to stop swearing or be taken to jail. The 1906 Ultras official statement released by twitter was “We don't put up with nobody's shit!” highlighting the existing problems between supporters groups and management that bring to light the cultural detente that smolders between the wealth holding elite and the vocal blue collar proletariat.

After showing a tifo display in 2014 with the statement “If you played in heaven we would die to support you” the 1906 Ultras clearly decided that while heaven would be fun, behaving in a decent fashion in Sacramento just to watch their own team play was too difficult a task.

When asked about leaving while their club was still playing on the field the 1906 Ultras had the following to say, “What happens with us and our problems is way more important than what happens on the field with the team we support. I mean who cares about the Earthquakes when the 1906 Ultras were having difficulties in the stands”

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 2-16-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of February 16th, 2015.

In response to "Which Song Will Make Steven Gerrard Punch A Man At A Club In LA'", the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 29% of the vote, the majority of you said 

I'm Blue - Eiffel 65

This was followed by Timber - Ke$ha in second place and a tie between the nonsensical ramblings of Randy Newman and the nonsensical ramblings of Eiffel 65 since that song gets  stuck in your head so damn easily.

Remember, Steven Gerrard is like a shark to blood when it comes to his Phil Collins, you don't want to deny him his Phil Collins.

Terry Gilliam's Brazil National Team

Rio de Janeiro, BR - After suffering a World Cup default at the hands of the German team so soul-crushing and utterly devastating that many Brazilian fans were forced to rethink the meaning of life and their purpose in it, the Brazil national team manager, Dunga, decided to try and assist fans by giving them a way of coping with hopeless situations like this.

“We need a way to get our fans to stop focusing on the bleak and horribly helpless situation they find themselves in,” Dunga says, “a situation that makes us want to crawl under a rock and die. One where the lullabies we used to sing to our children have been replaced by uncontrollable sobbing and formless words. To this end we decided to bring in the help of famed director Terry Gilliam as technical director to help retroactively fix the mistakes that Luiz Felipe Scolari made during World Cup 2014 and to prepare us for World Cup 2018 and the next inevitable crushing defeat that makes us want to end our bloodlines and erase our existence forever.”

Gilliam was asked how he would have handled the 2014 World Cup defeat. “Well as the game neared the end it was clear that there was no way to come back. Germany had crushed Brazil to the point where all the heartbreak, panic, and anxiety everyone was feeling was so rampant and exhausting that fans had lost the desire to exist and-” [Gilliam paused as Dunga had curled into the fetal position at his feet and had to be carried away.]

Gilliam continued, “What I would have done is right at the very last second a giant patchwork zeppelin would have come floating up over the edge of the stadium and touched down right in the middle of the pitch. A whole pack of dwarf pirates would have come pouring out the doors and windows, chasing back the German players. The Brazil players would have been quickly ushered onboard where the zeppelin would have risen up and out of the stadium, sailing off into an ocean of pink and orange clouds as the sun began to sink in the distance. Scolari would have flown away on the power of his own wings and met up with the world cup trophy in the clouds where they would have made sweet love.  Back on the ground Germany would have been the victor and would have hoisted the trophy high into the air. But instead of crying out with sounds of weeping and lamentation, the Brazil fans would have able to just simply look up to the skies and put it all behind them as they entered that magical world of fantasy in their own minds.”

Gilliam was asked if he thought taking on a team that appears to be in decline is going to be difficult. “Are you kidding me? I had Heath Ledger die during the filming of Doctor Parnassus and I was able to pull it off. This is nothing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gilliam quits the production half way through the World Cup and blames everyone else for the failure.

New England Revolution Worried Current Success Will Eliminate Home Field Advantage

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution front office staff have gone on record this week of their concern at their recent success.

“We built a winning club based around speed, talent, and the ability of our players to communicate due to the lack of a sizable crowd. We are heavily concerned that our recent ability to win and make MLS Cup may lead to a larger crowd that makes it difficult to win at home”, said Revolution director of field operations James Granderson.

New England racked up 11 wins at home in 2014 and only lost four times on the season. Their crowd average was up from 14,861 in 2013 to 16,681 in 2014.

Mr. Granderson continued his comments, “It is a very concerning situation because our players get used to playing in a 68,000 seat stadium with only 11 to 16 thousand fans, and now we are getting more and more people at our games. The larger crowds will have an impact on the ability of our players to talk freely about what they need to do out there. We have been trying for years to quiet down our supporters groups under the pretense of foul language and code violations. Now we are going to have to ask everyone else to just be quiet and sit on their hands. It is entirely possible that we may have to drum up a fake controversy about supporters groups using abusive language to drive the average mom and pop fan away from Gillette just to keep our home field advantage of eerie quiet displacement.”

Mr. Granderson would not address the rumors that in order to keep the fan base low Robert Kraft has suggested that New England fire all the coaching staff, sell Lee Nguyen and make the rest of the players perform halftime sketch comedy with a malfunctioning microphone and a no cursing rule in the supporters section known as The Fort.

“All options are on the table, so I can’t comment on anything in particular but one method might be for us to switch the beer that we sell to only non-alcoholic beer, disallow any form of tailgating on or off the stadium grounds, and mandate breathalyzer entry requirements, which would seriously take a lot of the edge right out of the supporters group from the beginning.”

Sepp Blatter To Design 2015 NWSL Kits

Zurich, CH - FIFA and the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that Sepp Blatter will be designing the kits for all the teams in the league for the 2015 NWSL season. 

"Mr Blatter is a strong, passionate devotee of Women's Fashion and understands the cutting edge of haute couture on the fashion scene today", said Thomas Szubaj of the FIFA General Council on Women In Sport. 

The FIFA General Council on Women In Sport convenes annually in Zurich to discuss matters regarding sports and the place of women in them. The all male board includes such soccer luminaries as Sunil Gulati, Sepp Blatter, Thomas Szubaj, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Sheikh Ali Bin Khalifa, and the recently resigned Jack Warner. 

"We believe that with a bit of tailoring and a difference in cuts to the way in which the shirts and shorts fit we could affect a major difference in the popularity of the sport", said Mr Blatter. "All one must do is look at the recent blouses displayed by Barbara Casasola at London Fashion week to understand how fashion can relate to sportswear". 

The blouses referenced by Mr Blatter had sheer panels over the front of the models and The Nutmeg News asked Mr Blatter about this, "We at FIFA think that women's bodies are beautiful and that since people would want to see all of their bodies, they should be allowed to do so. After all, what purpose do women in sport serve but to rile up the blood vessels and give us men purpose and vigor."

On the charges of whether sheer paneling over the nipples of NWSL players would be sexist Mr Blatter had the following to say, "First they said women shouldn't wear skirts when they play, then they said women shouldn't wear tight bikinis, then they said women shouldn't wear tiny shorts and crop top kits, I feel like it is others who are oppressing the amazing opportunity that women have to show us their bodies. We at FIFA believe that it isn't exploitation, but rather an opportunity for us to sell the women's game on the fronts and backs of our players."

MLS Capos Discuss Possible Strike

DENVER - At the recent Independent Supporters Council (ISC) meeting, capos from different teams in Major League Soccer (MLS) discussed a possible strike at the beginning of the 2015 season. Citing issues with supporters group management, the unified membership began ratifying a statement of demands that will need to be addressed  before they turn around to scream at fans to sing more.

"We have demands and our collective bargaining has been weak in the past," said Roger Ninivent from the Timbers Army. "However, now we are adamant about our position."

The new Major League Soccer Capo's Union is demanding a list of items according to their new press release including the ability to turn around and actually watch the game, cold water, cold beer, miniature hat umbrellas that look cool to avoid sunburn, singing lessons so that they can incorporate more songs in tune at a higher vocal range, two crates of "Singer's Saving Grace", a megaphone replacement policy, a vat of beard balm, the ability to post hyper critical dissertations against capitalism from the main supporters group Facebook account, a dump truck full of bath salts,  and a pallet of old, expired 4Loko that the government hasn't seized yet. The MLS capos union also had a statement against being forced to capo at national team games, friendlies and games where they just aren't feeling it.

There were no representatives from Columbus Crew present but they released a statement, "This is why we ensured against capos and a capo union in the past. We must control our bottom line and avoid chant stoppages." The capos union fired back in an tweet "That's why you never sing in the first place". 

Local drum and trumpet unions are siding with their brothers in labor by refusing to play a syncopated beat. Although they fully admit that this will not really change anything in some locations. "We will play 45 minutes of the god-damned Sanford and Sons theme song if our brother's demands aren't met" said Ralph Hoegarden of the Sons of Ben.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this potential capo strike as it develops.

Fox Sports Anchors Run Out Of Things To Say During Half Time Show

LOS ANGELES - After running out of salient points and irreverent banter during a recent UEFA Champions league game, Fox Sports decided to finish their half-time segment with a video that contained nothing but multi-camera replays of the on the field incidents from the game they were currently broadcasting.

"We just didn't have anything else to say!" said Rob Stone. "Every bit of minutia and meaningless banter was all used up in the previous weeks and we looked at each other with the realization that we were done talking." 

After 30 seconds of pure silence the Fox Sports broadcast team switched over to a quickly cobbled together replay of interesting events in the game with nothing but crowd noise as audio. Since the television ratings improved during that time, the broadcast team just left it on that video and then eventually moved back to the actual game action.

"We think that perhaps the ratings spike is due to the Fox fan base being tired of hearing argumentative co-anchors and oft used sports cliches and would rather watch the actual events of the game instead of hearing our anchors opinions", said director of programming Mike Nelson. "I mean what would you rather watch, a bunch of old players and sports anchors talking about what they would have done back in the 80's or a multi-camera video replay of a beautiful save?"

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that despite the success of the broadcast, that the Fox Sports corporate office has placed an emphasis on expanding the current half-time show with more co-hosts, more sponsors, more robots kicking soccer balls, more United States flags for absolutely no reason during European games, more meaningless FIFA video game simulations, and more pundits talking about the good old days and the lost art of tackling.

Irate Fan Posts Screed To Reddit

St. George, UT - Irate Real Salt Lake (RSL) fan David Moseby logged onto the social media site Reddit on Tuesday to post an opinionated letter about the league structure in Major League Soccer (MLS), support of the United States National Team and Jurgen Klinsmann only to find it downvoted.

"It was a punch in the stomach", said Moseby. "I felt like my fellow fans were letting me down by downvoting me, I mean if that doesn't show that the common fan can't even talk about his own team, his own league and the national team, then what does?" 

Moseby began his epic soliloquy with the phrase "Does anyone else like promotion and relegation which they do in England and it is totally wicked smart." which immediately made 60% of the audience on Reddit tune out immediately, according to statistics released by Reddit today.

Reddit MLS moderator Larry O'Shannohan, "Well, I was just leaving a sub-reddit dedicated to unicorns felching rainbows from the golden cauldron of the leprechaun from Lucky Charms, when I noticed an alert about the rant. I mean, come on, like we have already had enough promotion relegation topics and nobody cares anymore. It was totally TL:DR. We welcome all opinions unless it is the opinions we don't welcome and then we hate them with terminal intensity."

According to Moseby, it wasn't until after the 2000th word that he really "got going" on the topic of "American heritage as it pertains to non-racist implications of dubious green-card status players" and he couldn't understand why it was (in Moseby's own words) "Downboated to Bolivian, bro". 

Moseby stated that he would take his talents for analyzing complex political situations in Major League Soccer and the international soccer scene to 4chan and Twitter where they at least have the decorum to welcome a new member with open arms and the gravitas that his words demand.

The Nutmeg News verified that Moseby's article did generate 463 comments about how stupid an idea it was, 12 comments about how stupid the people were that were saying he was stupid, 4 comments in an argument over the usage of a gif, and 3 people asking which team they should support in "the MLS".

NYCFC To Trademark The Phrase "Organic Support"

NEW YORK - After sending out a request for fans help in the naming of a supporters collective, New York City Football Club (NYCFC) announced their desire to trademark the phrase "Organic Support".  

"We felt it was in our best interest to trademark the phrase Organic Support (TM) to show the world how grassroots and connected our future fan group will be at Yankee Stadium. New York City FC will be at the vanguard of organic support and our corporate fan development team will have a hand at creating, steering, building, and monitoring all future fan development in the stands", said director of fan supervision Ronald Baer.

"What you must understand is that fan groups in the United States aren't sophisticated enough, organized enough and coagulated together to be able to determine their own future, appropriately, in the stands. We here at the fan supervision board will guide the fan groups of NYCFC towards the proper way of support, thus earning their right to say that they are Organic Support (TM) and certified Organic Fan Groups. It is in our best interest to actively protect the concept and idea of Organic Support (TM) and Organic Fan Groups even if this means that we must use litigious methods to protect the phrase usage by fan groups started by our own fans on their own time. New York City Football Club will not idly sit by and let organized, non-certified fan groups call themselves Organic Support (TM) of New York City FC."

Calls made to the United States Trademark Office regarding the current status of New York City FC's trademark request were not answered.

Sacramento Republic Fans Blissfully Unaware Of How Good They Have It

Sacramento, CA - Despite a public bid to be added to Major League Soccer (MLS), Sacramento Republic fans continue to be blissfully unaware of how good they have it according to leading MLS sociologists and psychiatrists.

MLS Sociologist Randy Brandice explains, "Republic fans are currently in the yearning phase, but they aren't aware of how great things really are. Republic are owned only by their independent ownership, they don't have completely arcane rules that dictate which players go where, they aren't operating under the possibility of a labor strike, and they aren't subservient to the dominant interests of the billionaires in charge of Toronto, Los Angeles, and Seattle."

Ms. Brandice continued, "In reality, Sacramento Republic are in the best possible situation available as they have a strong growing fan base, a relevant brand, and the ability to be a figurative 'big fish in a small pond'. Republic fans should enjoy the freedom that their club currently has because if they move to MLS their club freedom will be severely curtailed."

TNN traveled to little Bavaria in Frankenmuth, Michigan to speak to leading Major League Soccer fan psychiatrist Elroy Harmweiser about the current state of the Republic fan. "They are in the honeymoon phase with their team. They know their owners, they know their players, they know the restrictions and what they can get away with in the stands. However, the other lover syndrome of Major League Soccer is a siren call of depravity. A move, for the fan, means cowering to the MLS Fan Conduct Code and the control of Major League Soccer. The modern Republic fan will not understand that until they move to MLS and then it will be too late."

TNN then spoke with Sacramento native Walter Findley, "We want Major League Soccer, and we want the exposure of the league. However, I'm not sure that fans know what moving to MLS entails. We will give up our brand, reformat our logo and badge, and our team will be subservient to the general interests of the league. Having said that though, we would be on a national cable network playing against Kaka... how cool would that be! Plus, who doesn't love blind draws, hidden allocation orders, useless drafts, hidden allocation money, and currying favor with the league front office by allowing players to go to your competition in order to get the All Star Game in 3 years"

The Nutmeg News will continue covering Sacramento's bid for Major League Soccer as it happens.

Bloggers Confident That 2015 Is Their Teams Season

Denver, CO - Colorado Rapids blogger Rick Samuelson is feeling confident about the upcoming 2015 season after the Rapids 2-0 win over professional soccer powerhouse the University of Nevada Las Vegas. 

Mr Samuelson said, "I was kinda down on the Rapids after last seasons frustrating end but the 2-0 win over UNLV has me rolling on a high that cannot be explained. I wrote over two thousand words on the positioning of our hybrid wingback centerback experiment and I'm firmly convinced that the Rapids will have the mettle to win MLS Cup after this win. While I didn't actually watch the match online, I wasn't there in person, and the teams featured tons of players that will never actually play a minute in Major League Soccer, I found that I was able to extrapolate the real meaning of the season from the idea of a 2-0 win over UNLV."

As a counterpoint, TNN spoke with blogger David Kipperson from Victoria BC about the Whitecaps pre-season, "I don't know what Rick is on about but he clearly didn't see all the signs from the Whitecaps dominant performance over the University of Victoria where they won 6-0. 6-0 is clearly 4 goals higher than 2-0 and so I can clearly extrapolate that into the fact that the Whitecaps are going to win MLS Cup and crush all the opposition teams in Major League Soccer. We have already decorated a themed victory float with the help of the Rain City Brigade's denim jackets."

The positive feelings about the season didn't stop in Vancouver as TNN traveled to New England where the  Revolution fan base is still agape after a strong MLS Cup run from 2014. "This... THIS is our year" said Revolution blogger Carla Jacobs. We were close last season and we already beat Real Salt Lake 2-1 in the pre-season which by transitive properties means that we would be very VERY competitive in the western conference and we all are planning on celebrating the 2015 MLS Cup Championship in a Patriots and Red Sox themed sports bar in Boston."

The positive feelings carried on down the road in Orlando where local blogger Simon Darbin has his hands full, "Kaka? KAKA BRO! We are going to own the league this year. Did you see that nutmeg? Nutgmegs ALL DAMN DAY. Totally going to win it all. Everything. CONCACAF. UEFA. Everything."

TNN also spoke to Ramiro Polance in Dallas about his teams chances in 2015, "I totally think this is the year. We have the talent, the coach, the team and our drum line is very very solid. I mean everyone knows that we are so good that they are talking us down this season."

And finally, TNN also spoke to Steve Linamen, a local Queens blogger for Red Bull New York, "No Henry, No Alexander, No Petke, we are so fucking screwed."

Alex Morgan Tweet Sparks Sales Frenzy

LOS ANGELES - Moments after a tweet from United States international player Alex Morgan, the company of Massengill reported a sales frenzy on their feminine health line of products.

"When Alex Morgan tweets, the world listens; and today the world was clearly ready for a line of Alex Morgan branded douches" said Massengill representative Lauri French. "We approached Alex a few months ago with the idea of a douche that could represent both the rigors of the soccer world and the glamorous lifestyle that Alex lives. We think of our douche an approachable douche and we want it to be both practical and glamorous. We brought the idea of changing the applicator to a soccer ball so that when the product was expended it would look like the ball was being deflated. Then it was all just a matter of having Alex tweet out her stamp of approval and it started a sales frenzy!"

According to sales statistics, Morgan's tweet has sent out a shock wave in the world of feminine hygiene as the purchases of the Alex Morgan Douche product are not confined to just women. Men seem to be an infrequent purchaser of the product as well. Sales reports show that even though the overall percentage of men purchasing products from the Alex Morgan Douche line were low that there are still millions of men out there that want to purchase Alex Morgan Douche. 

"It's a sales first. With Alex's help we have conquered a market long thought to be unreachable for feminine hygiene. However, our market still remains the unflinching and ravenous group of fan-girls and women that devour each one of Morgan's moves with nearly terminal intensity. We feel that with Alex's help we can really help bring the douche back to the forefront." 

Massengill has also announced the sale of "Alex Morgan Douche" branded t-shirts and scarves, available very soon online.
 

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 2-9-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of February 9th, 2015.

In response to "Will you buy Don Garber's book 'Erotically Garber'", the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 38% of the vote, the majority of you said 

Is there a full page spread with Clint Dempsey?

Only 8% of you already pre-ordered the box set of the DVD with Don Garber performing an erotic strip tease to the "Itty Bitty Spider Crawled Up The Water Spout"

The new The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week is forthcoming.

Red Bull New York To Create Pre-Season Tournament Trophy

Harrison, NJ - In light of the Gunslinger Armadillo trophy awarded during the Austin Aztex's Pro Challenge Tournament, Red Bull New York has decided to create a trophy and tournament for the 2016 season.

Red Bull will invite other corporate owned and sponsored teams including Red Bull Leipzig, FC Red Bull Salzburg, Red Bull Brasil, Red Bull Ghana, EC Red Bull Salzburg (Hockey), and Infiniti Red Bull Racing (Formula 1) to play in a 4 week, winner take all pre-season soccer, hockey and driving tournament where the winner is awarded a replica, full scale sculpture of the Toxic Avenger.

TNN spoke with Dieter Stuben, Red Bull's chief public relations liaison, in Austria about this trophy and he had the following to say, "Red Bull thought that there was no better illustration of Western New York City than the Toxic Avenger. As you know, the Avenger was a janitor in Tromaville New Jersey which I have been informed is just a few miles away from Harrison New York City, where we play."

The Toxic Avenger will be carrying an American flag with a disfigured soccer ball below his foot, will be 7 and a half feet tall and will be clothed in a way to avoid any color coordination with the New York/New Jersey Metrostars, a team that Red Bull aren't entirely sure ever really existed.

The tournament will be sponsored by Red Bull with all the proceeds going to Red Bull's Charity For Billionaires. Red Bull's Charity For Billionaires aims to help struggling billionaires that have fallen on hard times due to recent economic situations get back on their feet to find happiness and their missing billion in the bank ledger.

American Outlaws Surprised To Find Soccer League In North America

Cincinnati, OH - On the heels of the 2014 World Cup run, US Men’s National Team fans known as the American Outlaws were stunned to find that a soccer league had sprung up in their backyard.

“I was shocked, absolutely shocked,” says Peter Wendowski, a long time American Outlaw member since 2013, “Here I was thinking that the only soccer I was going to get until the next World Cup three years from now was Real Madrid vs Barcelona and my kids U-12 games. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there was an entire soccer league in my own country and there was even one of those teams in my own state.”

Peter went on to discuss the benefits of this new discovery. “Well, it’s great because it gives my kid something to look forward to, you know? Now that there’s more than just eleven soccer players in America he can now dream of one day playing for Columbus FC or whatever it’s called.”

When asked about his opinion on the renaming of the USL Pro soccer league to simply USL he replied, “There’s more than one league? You’re shitting me.”

MLS Players Excited About Potential Financial Windfall Of Strike

New York, NY - Rank and file Major League Soccer players today expressed their excitement at a potential players strike in light of the current impasse between labor and management and the problems with the ratification of a new collective bargaining agreement.

David Lopes a midfielder for the Colorado Rapids in 2014, was paid a reported $36,504. Sources say that Mr Lopes is considering making a bit more money with better health insurance in 2015 by working for Whole Foods whose average yearly salary is $39, 289. Mr. Lopes had this to say, “The potential strike presents an opportunity for me because it allows me to finally have a decision about which franchise I will join.With Major League Soccer, I play wherever the league tells me I play, but with Whole Foods I can work at the Tiffany Plaza location, the Glendale location, or even the location in Cherry Creek!”

TNN was able to speak with FC Dallas defender Stephen Appleby who was also on the Major League Soccer salary of $36,504 and asked him about the possibility of a player strike. “I, personally, am very excited as this gives me the opportunity to finally make a good living with the possibility of a long career without the possibility of debilitating head injuries later in life for at least $3,000 dollars more per year than I make now just to work at a grocery store. Look, we need free agency, balanced wages, and options to direct our own career. We also need to keep getting paid because I’m a couple months behind on rent and I’m tired of taking food from the training facilities to eat for dinner at home.”

A recent survey of players on league contracts below $50,000 per year shows that at least half of those professional players think about leaving Major League Soccer to go back to school and get a degree in Eastern Scandinavian Literature and Finnish Erotica as it offers a more competitive salary base with the possibility of tenure, something that doesn't exist in professional soccer.

Mr Appleby went on to say, “I was once traded from Columbus Crew to Red Bull New York without having my contract renegotiated. I was truly fortunate as my girlfriend, at the time, thought she was pregnant but it ended up being a false alarm. Neither of us could imagine raising a family on 36k in the Newark area, and we broke up after I found her trying to get Thierry Henry’s autograph on a personal bank check of his while in the steam room.”

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover the ongoing issues with the Major League Soccer collective bargaining agreement as they happen.

Toronto Football Club announces two new mascots

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) have announced today that they will create two new mascots for the 2015 season. The Toronto press release is below.

“We know that our most loyal Toronto Fans have been expressing their desire for us to promote and expand family friendly offerings at BMO Field. To that extent Toronto FC is proud to welcome two new mascots to the Toronto football family: Argo the Bear, sponsored by Bank of Montreal, and Freddy the Flare, sponsored by Kokanee Beer.

Argo was created by our design team to capture the admiration of kids and parents alike with his lighthearted antics. Freddy’s role on game day is to run around and try to stir up trouble or embarrass Argo.

Our plan is to have Freddy antagonize Argo before the start of the game but eventually get captured by Argo and security and put in a cage just before the teams make their way out onto the field. During the game Argo will wander around greeting guests, giving hugs, and of course starting stadium wide waves. Freddy will escape during halftime at which point Argo has to work out a way of putting him back before the game starts again. Generally this will result from Freddy stumbling around and inevitably falling over as this always gets laughs from kids and their parents.

We will also use their interplay as a way of helping to encourage knowledge about the soccer culture we have been working so hard to develop. Argo will have a comically large TFC Supporters Code poster that he will run around and beat Freddy with whenever Freddy starts stirring up too much trouble for Argo.

We know that by introducing these mascots we will help the next generation of TFC supporters to not only enjoy the games as children but grow up a with a firm understanding of what it means to be a true supporter and how to impart that passion upon their children.