Sacramento, CA - Despite a public bid to be added to Major League Soccer (MLS), Sacramento Republic fans continue to be blissfully unaware of how good they have it according to leading MLS sociologists and psychiatrists.
MLS Sociologist Randy Brandice explains, "Republic fans are currently in the yearning phase, but they aren't aware of how great things really are. Republic are owned only by their independent ownership, they don't have completely arcane rules that dictate which players go where, they aren't operating under the possibility of a labor strike, and they aren't subservient to the dominant interests of the billionaires in charge of Toronto, Los Angeles, and Seattle."
Ms. Brandice continued, "In reality, Sacramento Republic are in the best possible situation available as they have a strong growing fan base, a relevant brand, and the ability to be a figurative 'big fish in a small pond'. Republic fans should enjoy the freedom that their club currently has because if they move to MLS their club freedom will be severely curtailed."
TNN traveled to little Bavaria in Frankenmuth, Michigan to speak to leading Major League Soccer fan psychiatrist Elroy Harmweiser about the current state of the Republic fan. "They are in the honeymoon phase with their team. They know their owners, they know their players, they know the restrictions and what they can get away with in the stands. However, the other lover syndrome of Major League Soccer is a siren call of depravity. A move, for the fan, means cowering to the MLS Fan Conduct Code and the control of Major League Soccer. The modern Republic fan will not understand that until they move to MLS and then it will be too late."
TNN then spoke with Sacramento native Walter Findley, "We want Major League Soccer, and we want the exposure of the league. However, I'm not sure that fans know what moving to MLS entails. We will give up our brand, reformat our logo and badge, and our team will be subservient to the general interests of the league. Having said that though, we would be on a national cable network playing against Kaka... how cool would that be! Plus, who doesn't love blind draws, hidden allocation orders, useless drafts, hidden allocation money, and currying favor with the league front office by allowing players to go to your competition in order to get the All Star Game in 3 years"
The Nutmeg News will continue covering Sacramento's bid for Major League Soccer as it happens.