Rio de Janeiro, BR - After suffering a World Cup default at the hands of the German team so soul-crushing and utterly devastating that many Brazilian fans were forced to rethink the meaning of life and their purpose in it, the Brazil national team manager, Dunga, decided to try and assist fans by giving them a way of coping with hopeless situations like this.
“We need a way to get our fans to stop focusing on the bleak and horribly helpless situation they find themselves in,” Dunga says, “a situation that makes us want to crawl under a rock and die. One where the lullabies we used to sing to our children have been replaced by uncontrollable sobbing and formless words. To this end we decided to bring in the help of famed director Terry Gilliam as technical director to help retroactively fix the mistakes that Luiz Felipe Scolari made during World Cup 2014 and to prepare us for World Cup 2018 and the next inevitable crushing defeat that makes us want to end our bloodlines and erase our existence forever.”
Gilliam was asked how he would have handled the 2014 World Cup defeat. “Well as the game neared the end it was clear that there was no way to come back. Germany had crushed Brazil to the point where all the heartbreak, panic, and anxiety everyone was feeling was so rampant and exhausting that fans had lost the desire to exist and-” [Gilliam paused as Dunga had curled into the fetal position at his feet and had to be carried away.]
Gilliam continued, “What I would have done is right at the very last second a giant patchwork zeppelin would have come floating up over the edge of the stadium and touched down right in the middle of the pitch. A whole pack of dwarf pirates would have come pouring out the doors and windows, chasing back the German players. The Brazil players would have been quickly ushered onboard where the zeppelin would have risen up and out of the stadium, sailing off into an ocean of pink and orange clouds as the sun began to sink in the distance. Scolari would have flown away on the power of his own wings and met up with the world cup trophy in the clouds where they would have made sweet love. Back on the ground Germany would have been the victor and would have hoisted the trophy high into the air. But instead of crying out with sounds of weeping and lamentation, the Brazil fans would have able to just simply look up to the skies and put it all behind them as they entered that magical world of fantasy in their own minds.”
Gilliam was asked if he thought taking on a team that appears to be in decline is going to be difficult. “Are you kidding me? I had Heath Ledger die during the filming of Doctor Parnassus and I was able to pull it off. This is nothing.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gilliam quits the production half way through the World Cup and blames everyone else for the failure.