Don Garber To Push For U.S. Annexation Of Three Canadian Provinces

New York, NY - According to a press release from Major League Soccer (MLS), the Commissioner of MLS, Don Garber, will push for the annexation of Ontario, Quebec and British Columbia into the United States.

Sources indicated that Mr. Garber and his associates have long held on to the age-old animosity that exists between New Yorkers and Canadians. This was visibly evident during the MLS All Star Game when Major League Soccer proudly displayed the United States flag on the jumbotron and wrap around ad-boards as payback for the war of 1812.

Privately, The Nutmeg News was able to verify that Mr. Garber is terrified of Canadian Mounties, Moose, and Dave Foley.

We contacted Major League Soccer to verify the press release and they had this statement available, “The 20 teams for Major League Soccer exist within one league, Major League Soccer, and we would like them to also exist within one country, the United States of America. Our ability to be able to market jingoistic scarves, news articles, and country paraphernalia is severely limited if we have teams in multiple countries. The Commissioner is simply attempting to rectify this improper fiduciary situation by making all the fans in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal, United States Men’s Team fans by annexing them as new states with the United States Of America. We at MLS headquarters like to imagine the joy that a Quebecois will feel when they finally are able to root for Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore like a proper soccer fan.”

TNN will monitor this push for statehood as it continues.

Sporting Kansas City To Launch Fragrance Line

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City have announced that they will develop and sell a cologne and perfume that represents the Sporting brand.

The cologne will be made with the odor of brisket, a small amount of reprocessed hops from a Boulevard Brewing lager and the pure concentrated essence of Jimmy Nielsen’s sweat. The sweat was collected from the grass after the Sporting Kansas City victory in the 2013 Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup.

Jill Granderson, a senior vice president for Sporting KC, spoke about the new Sporting fragrance division to TNN. “Sporting Kansas City wants to vertically integrate all the departments that we have with our flagship soccer team. The new Sporting Fragrance line will allow us to combine the efforts of our players, local Kansas City businesses, as well as fragrant herbs and essential oils. We will have cologne with the sweat of Jimmy Nielsen, Roger Espinoza and Dom Dwyer. The Dwyer cologne will have a liberal splash of HP Sauce to give a British aroma to the scent.”

Sporting Kansas City Fragrance, Parfum de Sport-ing, will be on sale at Sporting Park during the opening week Major League Soccer festivities.

Europe is Better: A Comprehensive Look At Front Running

This article is submitted by one of our local contributors, Ryan Jones. Ryan is a 43 year old tax accountant from Des Moines, IA. The views of Mr. Jones do not reflect those of The Nutmeg News

Hey, you there! Why do you support a team that sucks?

The Des Moines Menace? Sucks.

The Premier Development League? Sucks.

The United Soccer League? Sucks.

The so-called “Major League Soccer”? Sucks

None of those Major League Soccer teams are gonna win the Champions League any time soon, I’m telling you.

So how do you support a team that doesn’t suck? You pick from the top. You pick winners. You don’t need to suffer quietly and watch a bunch of American kids kicking around a ball in the mid-west. Life is about winners.

Hey, look. I got a boss that hates me, a wife that has been begging for divorce, do you really think i want to get behind a team that loses?

Do you know what it is like to have to come home and do math for 6th graders? It sucks.

No. I pick a winner because i want to feel good about myself. Is that so wrong?

So look, this is how we pick a team.

I used to be a big Manchester United fan, but recently they suck. Don’t pick Manchester United.

My dad always said people should pull for Liverpool but one trophy that means something in 10 years equals, you guessed it, they suck.

Friends would say, “Why don’t you pick a team from Germany?” They say this because they know that my favorite international team is the German national team. I’m even 1/36th german on my mother’s second cousin from marriage side.

But let me tell you a little secret, they suck.

For me, right now, life is all about Real Madrid. They are winners. They win all the time. They won the UEFA Champions League, which is about as big as you could possibly get because the Champions League is only for winner which is why you won’t find any teams from MLS there.

Look, life is about winning, about finding that winning trend and getting ahead of it so that you are a winner by association. I can tell you that the easiest way to do this is to buy the kit of every winning team from Europe (except for Italy, because they suck) and then being a loud and proud fan when your winning team wins. I’ve got on my Cristiano Ronaldo Madrid kit right now and I’m ready for a 2016 season when Real Madrid never loses in the league and wins every single trophy that has ever existed including the stupid so called Major League Soccer championship.

Portland Timbers to install metal detectors at Providence Park

Portland, OR - A massive surge of fan-on-fan civility at Providence Park has left the Portland Timbers no other choice than to install metal detectors at all stadium entrances.

"At every game we were seeing the same scenario: people celebrating, hugging each other and enjoying themselves. It was a tinderbox ready to explode,” said head of security Steven Gedion. “We decided that we needed to get in front of this potentially volatile situation and detain everyone at the gates to identify knee replacements, Altoids tins, keys, and makeup compacts before these people engender more love and civility between themselves.”

With a fan conduct code mandated by the head of Major League Soccer security, the Timbers found themselves in a difficult situation.

"We didn't have enough fan on fan violence to justify installing the metal detectors, but we were determined to not let that stop us.” said Gedion.

“We have successfully made a safe place safer and in addition are able to impart upon everyone a mixed sense of security and violation that helps to bring down free-spirited fun-seekers to a more manageable level by demonstrating that we have ultimate non-negotiable authority. We hope that all fans will support us by doing their part to help create an increasingly safer environment at Providence Park and work to reduce insurance liability costs for the owners.”

USOC revises tournament rules to allow match-ups to be picked by a blind, feces throwing, bonobo monkey.

CHICAGO - Officials with the US Soccer Federation confirmed, today, that they would be changing the methodology by which the US Open Cup match-ups are selected. Ronald Durif, the spokesman for the US Open Cup with US Soccer, had the following to say.

“We felt it was in our best interest to find a way to ramp up the spectator involvement with the US Open Cup. Given that we needed more publicity, we decided to turn over our matchmaking from an intern with a bingo wheel to a blind, feces throwing, bonobo monkey named Claudius. He will be fed a diet of prunes and fiber right before the selection period and will throw his feces at a chalkboard with the names of the different teams entered to pair them together. We are hoping that this will produce an entertaining and fair mosaic of teams in the United States.”

Durif also went on to say that Claudius would have his own t-shirt and blog, and that the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) would be live streaming the event on UStream if a kickstarter to raise funds for the US Open Cup came through with enough money to justify the purchase of a Galaxy S4 with which the federation planned to livestream.

“You wouldn't believe the interest we have had with this new project internally, and we think that a feces throwing monkey is the new way forward for match picking. All hail Claudius!” said Mr Durif.

The ASPCA could not be reached for comment.

Klinsmann Fires Back At Critics

BERLIN - Jurgen Klinsmann, the coach of the United States National Team, released a torrid criticism of the people who are criticizing him for releasing critical comments about the press who were criticizing Klinsmann for criticizing his players.

"At some point the United States will learn how to analyze on the fifth plane of meta-analysis" said the coach addressing a gathered mob of irate Twitter users stationed outside his winter home in the highlands of Berlin.

"I spend every morning being critical of myself for being critical of myself about being critical of my players not be critical enough about their careers. The least I can expect is that Brek Shea show up in shape to do the same."

TNN had a correspondent onsite and asked irate Twitter user Geoff Rampin his opinion about the situation. "Klinsmann ain't got no right to be up in their grills! He doesn't even play no more!" said the blogger also known by his twitter handle @smokinbluntz69usmnt

TNN will cover this situation as it develops.

Chivas USA making big moves

Los Angeles, CA - Citing a downturn in their current economic model with Major League Soccer, the collected group of spare parts left over from Chivas USA have decided to move away from MLS and join with the United Soccer League (USL). 

Virginia Abernathy, a spokeswoman from Chivas USA, commented on the new move. "We feel that moving from the MLS to the USL gives our club a chance to succeed and stand out among the other clubs and also create a system where our players can develop their skills and perhaps find a place in the USL."

While acknowledging that there has been a  precipitous decline in player numbers for the team, Ms. Abernathy said that Chivas USA would hold try outs in the Los Angeles area, provided that the applicants speak Spanish, English, Esperanto and a form of Kuridsh spoken in the west part of a province outside Tehran. 

"These players will be given a chance to carry on the great legacy that Jorge Vergara left us with right before the team completely imploded into nothingness" said Ms. Abernathy.

Nutmeg News was unable to gather a comment from a USL representative. 

Soccer Fans Demand Net Neutrality

Cincinnati, OH - First Row Sports (FirstRowSports.eu), a website that provides pirate streams of soccer games from around the world, is being shown the red card from soccer fans demanding that they be forced into following Net Neutrality guidelines.

There's not nearly enough porn apps and pop ups.

"It's not fair," says David Rogers a Cincinnati resident, "I cut the cable because the cost of cable packages were just getting outrageous.  I found that I, as a soccer supporter, could just pirate whatever I wanted for free on the internet to fight back against the egregious costs but now FirstRowSports is the only site that is getting linked for my streams and they are clearly manipulating my bandwidth throughput and stream quality."

He continued, "It used to be you could find some guy putting out full HD streams but now all we get are these crummy 240p videos from FirstRowSports. I just don't have any options. I bet FirstRowSports sends DCMA takedown notices to all the other sites to ensure they're the only ones streaming the games."

When asked what he plans to do if the Net Neutrality push doesn't work he replied: "I'm going to enable Ad-Block on all those sites to really hit them in their pocketbooks. I'm not-not paying good money for nothing."

Portland Timbers to add free-range chicken roaster to concourse

Portland, OR - Citing a new loophole in the city statues that allow the maintenance of an urban farm in Goose Hollow, the area of Portland that is home to Providence Park, the Portland Timbers announced that they would include a free-range chicken roaster for the Key Bank Club stands.

Chip Fletcher is the head chef for Providence Park. "The chickens will be treated with care exceeding all current poultry care requirements. They will be fed organic corn harvested from the highlands of Beaverton, Oregon. Each chicken will be given an eclectic name from de Maupassant French Short Stories and will also be read bed time stories from an appropriate collection of fan donated material."

On the day of an event they will be draped in miniature Timbers scarves and then ritualistically slaughtered by Timber Joey just before the event begins.

Fletcher continued, "The chickens will be available in both sandwich and strip varietals and a donation will be made to the Serengeti Conservation Society with each purchase."

Advocates of Promotion and Relegation eliminate the option from Premier League fantasy league

Richmond, VA - "It all started out as fun", said David Stephenson "but then we realized the problem."

With a record 40 members of the Richmond Premier League Fantasy club signed up for 2013, David Stephenson and Robert Jones made the decision to implement promotion and relegation to their fantasy league.

Within a few weeks the effects of this change was startling, "We started out as a cohesive group of 40, but the 20 people who were instantly demoted to our Championship League Only fantasy league couldn't keep track of the players they were picking. They seemed to auto select players at random and half the group pulled out. It turned into a giant shit sandwich".

The effects of the Promotion and Relegation implementation spanned more than just player acquisition issues. It created an issue with the finances of the league.

"We had all of the player buy into the league at $50 but after 20 of the players were relegated, they wanted a cheaper option to buy into the league in the second year. We had to create a balloon payment system out of the winnings of the other players to cover the costs that the relegated players didn't want to pay" said Robert Jones, executive vice president of the league. " At some point, the players who finished just out of the relegation zone were upset that the players who did worse than they did got a bigger benefit, so they all started to compete against each other to try to get relegated."

Jones and Stephenson have stated that they want implement the option in future leagues, but if they do so they will make sure that the players sign a waiver stating that they "will not complain, even if Jerry wins again like he does every season and Tommy picks all the players that he remembers from the Leeds United teams from the 1970s"