New England Revolution Worried Current Success Will Eliminate Home Field Advantage

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution front office staff have gone on record this week of their concern at their recent success.

“We built a winning club based around speed, talent, and the ability of our players to communicate due to the lack of a sizable crowd. We are heavily concerned that our recent ability to win and make MLS Cup may lead to a larger crowd that makes it difficult to win at home”, said Revolution director of field operations James Granderson.

New England racked up 11 wins at home in 2014 and only lost four times on the season. Their crowd average was up from 14,861 in 2013 to 16,681 in 2014.

Mr. Granderson continued his comments, “It is a very concerning situation because our players get used to playing in a 68,000 seat stadium with only 11 to 16 thousand fans, and now we are getting more and more people at our games. The larger crowds will have an impact on the ability of our players to talk freely about what they need to do out there. We have been trying for years to quiet down our supporters groups under the pretense of foul language and code violations. Now we are going to have to ask everyone else to just be quiet and sit on their hands. It is entirely possible that we may have to drum up a fake controversy about supporters groups using abusive language to drive the average mom and pop fan away from Gillette just to keep our home field advantage of eerie quiet displacement.”

Mr. Granderson would not address the rumors that in order to keep the fan base low Robert Kraft has suggested that New England fire all the coaching staff, sell Lee Nguyen and make the rest of the players perform halftime sketch comedy with a malfunctioning microphone and a no cursing rule in the supporters section known as The Fort.

“All options are on the table, so I can’t comment on anything in particular but one method might be for us to switch the beer that we sell to only non-alcoholic beer, disallow any form of tailgating on or off the stadium grounds, and mandate breathalyzer entry requirements, which would seriously take a lot of the edge right out of the supporters group from the beginning.”

NYCFC To Trademark The Phrase "Organic Support"

NEW YORK - After sending out a request for fans help in the naming of a supporters collective, New York City Football Club (NYCFC) announced their desire to trademark the phrase "Organic Support".  

"We felt it was in our best interest to trademark the phrase Organic Support (TM) to show the world how grassroots and connected our future fan group will be at Yankee Stadium. New York City FC will be at the vanguard of organic support and our corporate fan development team will have a hand at creating, steering, building, and monitoring all future fan development in the stands", said director of fan supervision Ronald Baer.

"What you must understand is that fan groups in the United States aren't sophisticated enough, organized enough and coagulated together to be able to determine their own future, appropriately, in the stands. We here at the fan supervision board will guide the fan groups of NYCFC towards the proper way of support, thus earning their right to say that they are Organic Support (TM) and certified Organic Fan Groups. It is in our best interest to actively protect the concept and idea of Organic Support (TM) and Organic Fan Groups even if this means that we must use litigious methods to protect the phrase usage by fan groups started by our own fans on their own time. New York City Football Club will not idly sit by and let organized, non-certified fan groups call themselves Organic Support (TM) of New York City FC."

Calls made to the United States Trademark Office regarding the current status of New York City FC's trademark request were not answered.

Sacramento Republic Fans Blissfully Unaware Of How Good They Have It

Sacramento, CA - Despite a public bid to be added to Major League Soccer (MLS), Sacramento Republic fans continue to be blissfully unaware of how good they have it according to leading MLS sociologists and psychiatrists.

MLS Sociologist Randy Brandice explains, "Republic fans are currently in the yearning phase, but they aren't aware of how great things really are. Republic are owned only by their independent ownership, they don't have completely arcane rules that dictate which players go where, they aren't operating under the possibility of a labor strike, and they aren't subservient to the dominant interests of the billionaires in charge of Toronto, Los Angeles, and Seattle."

Ms. Brandice continued, "In reality, Sacramento Republic are in the best possible situation available as they have a strong growing fan base, a relevant brand, and the ability to be a figurative 'big fish in a small pond'. Republic fans should enjoy the freedom that their club currently has because if they move to MLS their club freedom will be severely curtailed."

TNN traveled to little Bavaria in Frankenmuth, Michigan to speak to leading Major League Soccer fan psychiatrist Elroy Harmweiser about the current state of the Republic fan. "They are in the honeymoon phase with their team. They know their owners, they know their players, they know the restrictions and what they can get away with in the stands. However, the other lover syndrome of Major League Soccer is a siren call of depravity. A move, for the fan, means cowering to the MLS Fan Conduct Code and the control of Major League Soccer. The modern Republic fan will not understand that until they move to MLS and then it will be too late."

TNN then spoke with Sacramento native Walter Findley, "We want Major League Soccer, and we want the exposure of the league. However, I'm not sure that fans know what moving to MLS entails. We will give up our brand, reformat our logo and badge, and our team will be subservient to the general interests of the league. Having said that though, we would be on a national cable network playing against Kaka... how cool would that be! Plus, who doesn't love blind draws, hidden allocation orders, useless drafts, hidden allocation money, and currying favor with the league front office by allowing players to go to your competition in order to get the All Star Game in 3 years"

The Nutmeg News will continue covering Sacramento's bid for Major League Soccer as it happens.

Red Bull New York To Create Pre-Season Tournament Trophy

Harrison, NJ - In light of the Gunslinger Armadillo trophy awarded during the Austin Aztex's Pro Challenge Tournament, Red Bull New York has decided to create a trophy and tournament for the 2016 season.

Red Bull will invite other corporate owned and sponsored teams including Red Bull Leipzig, FC Red Bull Salzburg, Red Bull Brasil, Red Bull Ghana, EC Red Bull Salzburg (Hockey), and Infiniti Red Bull Racing (Formula 1) to play in a 4 week, winner take all pre-season soccer, hockey and driving tournament where the winner is awarded a replica, full scale sculpture of the Toxic Avenger.

TNN spoke with Dieter Stuben, Red Bull's chief public relations liaison, in Austria about this trophy and he had the following to say, "Red Bull thought that there was no better illustration of Western New York City than the Toxic Avenger. As you know, the Avenger was a janitor in Tromaville New Jersey which I have been informed is just a few miles away from Harrison New York City, where we play."

The Toxic Avenger will be carrying an American flag with a disfigured soccer ball below his foot, will be 7 and a half feet tall and will be clothed in a way to avoid any color coordination with the New York/New Jersey Metrostars, a team that Red Bull aren't entirely sure ever really existed.

The tournament will be sponsored by Red Bull with all the proceeds going to Red Bull's Charity For Billionaires. Red Bull's Charity For Billionaires aims to help struggling billionaires that have fallen on hard times due to recent economic situations get back on their feet to find happiness and their missing billion in the bank ledger.

MLS Players Excited About Potential Financial Windfall Of Strike

New York, NY - Rank and file Major League Soccer players today expressed their excitement at a potential players strike in light of the current impasse between labor and management and the problems with the ratification of a new collective bargaining agreement.

David Lopes a midfielder for the Colorado Rapids in 2014, was paid a reported $36,504. Sources say that Mr Lopes is considering making a bit more money with better health insurance in 2015 by working for Whole Foods whose average yearly salary is $39, 289. Mr. Lopes had this to say, “The potential strike presents an opportunity for me because it allows me to finally have a decision about which franchise I will join.With Major League Soccer, I play wherever the league tells me I play, but with Whole Foods I can work at the Tiffany Plaza location, the Glendale location, or even the location in Cherry Creek!”

TNN was able to speak with FC Dallas defender Stephen Appleby who was also on the Major League Soccer salary of $36,504 and asked him about the possibility of a player strike. “I, personally, am very excited as this gives me the opportunity to finally make a good living with the possibility of a long career without the possibility of debilitating head injuries later in life for at least $3,000 dollars more per year than I make now just to work at a grocery store. Look, we need free agency, balanced wages, and options to direct our own career. We also need to keep getting paid because I’m a couple months behind on rent and I’m tired of taking food from the training facilities to eat for dinner at home.”

A recent survey of players on league contracts below $50,000 per year shows that at least half of those professional players think about leaving Major League Soccer to go back to school and get a degree in Eastern Scandinavian Literature and Finnish Erotica as it offers a more competitive salary base with the possibility of tenure, something that doesn't exist in professional soccer.

Mr Appleby went on to say, “I was once traded from Columbus Crew to Red Bull New York without having my contract renegotiated. I was truly fortunate as my girlfriend, at the time, thought she was pregnant but it ended up being a false alarm. Neither of us could imagine raising a family on 36k in the Newark area, and we broke up after I found her trying to get Thierry Henry’s autograph on a personal bank check of his while in the steam room.”

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover the ongoing issues with the Major League Soccer collective bargaining agreement as they happen.

Portland Timbers to install metal detectors at Providence Park

Portland, OR - A massive surge of fan-on-fan civility at Providence Park has left the Portland Timbers no other choice than to install metal detectors at all stadium entrances.

"At every game we were seeing the same scenario: people celebrating, hugging each other and enjoying themselves. It was a tinderbox ready to explode,” said head of security Steven Gedion. “We decided that we needed to get in front of this potentially volatile situation and detain everyone at the gates to identify knee replacements, Altoids tins, keys, and makeup compacts before these people engender more love and civility between themselves.”

With a fan conduct code mandated by the head of Major League Soccer security, the Timbers found themselves in a difficult situation.

"We didn't have enough fan on fan violence to justify installing the metal detectors, but we were determined to not let that stop us.” said Gedion.

“We have successfully made a safe place safer and in addition are able to impart upon everyone a mixed sense of security and violation that helps to bring down free-spirited fun-seekers to a more manageable level by demonstrating that we have ultimate non-negotiable authority. We hope that all fans will support us by doing their part to help create an increasingly safer environment at Providence Park and work to reduce insurance liability costs for the owners.”