Next Guardiola Flexes Tactical Genius On Sidelines Of U-10 Game

Gainesville, FL - Roger Barton, the next Pep Guardiola of Gainesville youth soccer, took time out of his busy schedule day-trading and posting highly potent Hillary Clinton memes to Reddit to flex his tactical genius on the sidelines of his son's U-10 game at the Gainesville Soccer Alliance fall clinic.

"How old are you? 13? GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, OR DO YOU NEED ME TO EDUCATE YOU ON THE OFFSIDE TRAP?"

"Hey Coach.... HEY COACH! Why aren't these kids in a new proto-WM with diamond formations interlinking the midfield," screamed Barton at the coach running his sons clinic. "Let me draw this out for you so that you can understand some basic formations and playing styles."

According to Barton, he admitted that he learned all of his recent theories by embracing heat maps and passing charts on Twitter after reading the first 100 pages of Inverting the Pyramid.

"I'm just taking what they were talking about in Belgium coffee shops and applying it to the complete bullshit I see on my kid's youth team," stated Barton to the groups of awe struck parents that huddled together on the sidelines. "I know the coach is wanting to play a 2-2-1, but that's bullshit because our striker isn't good enough at hold up play to be able to run a narrow formation where we kick and chase. What is this, 1984 in England? Plus, our fullbacks just hoof it up out of bounds over the other 6 kids without working it up the sides. We need more passing, we need more possession. God in heaven help me, but this coach is ass."

After being asked why he doesn't just coach his own sons soccer team, Mr Barton stated, "I don't have time for that shit," before he was pulled away from the game to answer a reply to his Tinder profile.

"We should be playing a 3-1-1 with our CB and LB winging when playing against the 'Jacksonville Power Rangers' because their right side has a kid with ADHD and we can blast past him, especially when he doesn't want to take his medication. Their left side also has a boy whose parents are getting divorced, so I don't see why we can't use that to our advantage!

'1-2-3-4, Your mom left your dad cause he paid for a whore!' 

LETS BE SMART ABOUT THIS, JEFFREY!!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Barton convinces the youth alliance to let him be the technical director of the entire youth soccer association due to his 2 year experience watching the Champions League.

Donovan Doppelganger DUPLICITY! TNN Investigates

Sources have informed our crack investigation squad that the current Major League Soccer player identified as Landon Donovan is actually a body double, currently learning the game of soccer to complete a comeback for the sake of Major League Soccer.

"YOU FOOLS"

The Nutmeg News has been informed that Donovan actually passed away prior to the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil, which is the real reason why he wasn't selected for the tournament. The feud between him and Klinsmann as well as statements by Donovan after the world cup were fabrications by US Soccer.

As well, TNN found out that the Donovan that appeared on television as a presenter was the Donovan Doppelganger practicing his mannerisms for the upcoming "comeback tour", which explains his wooden analysis. As the new "Donovan" will not release his medical records, it has become clear that what people are actually watching in the league is, in fact, not Landon Donovan but a body double named Ray Gribble from Sarasota, Florida.

"If you look behind the ears, you can see the seams," stated one MLS player who wished to be anonymous.

The Nutmeg News tracked down Mr Gribble's family and they had the following to say, "We always thought Ray looked a-like that Soccer guy, but we haven't seen him in years," stated Catherline O'Hanahan-Gribble-Daughtry-Jones-Shambala, Ray's mother.

The Nutmeg News can categorically confirm that the NEW Donovan is being instructed in the art of tactical soccer by Jurgen Klinsmann and Piotr Nowak in order to complete his faux-comeback in order to sell jerseys, television advertising and quash the relegation advocacy of one Davis Winthorp Winslow of Los Angeles.

Our investigation department will have more on these shenanigans as we uncover them.

US Soccer Calls On All True Patriots To Defend The Fatherland

CHICAGO - US Soccer, today, issued a press released calling on all true patriot soccer players to come defend the Fatherland.

Sunil Gulati with one of his calls to action, requesting all true dude-bro patriots in trucker hats to stand for the flag and defend the fatherland.

"ATTENTION TRUE PATRIOTS," started the bombastic press release.

"THE FATHERLAND IS IN PERIL, we must defend the colors and flag of our fore-fathers by the blood and sweat of the true patriots. You must be American born, or at least talented enough to where we will overlook your dual passport situation while still demanding that you stand and observe correct, non-political protocol when the national anthem is played. You must conflate US Soccer, a non governmental agency, with an actual branch of the government or military. And you must understand that our battle is against the communist menace that reaches every day to destroy our country from the inside with tolerance, compassion and a nuanced understanding of the racial dynamics of our country.

You must be better than Megan Rapinoe, so that we can use that as an excuse to drop her for not standing for the flag while claiming it was performance based. You must conflate listening to a song to the level of patriotism you have in the very marrow of your bones while understanding that questioning anything anything in this country is treason.

You must understand that we have been looked at as commie ball for 70 years, so we are really trying to overcompensate for this stigma by being excessively patriotic in all cases.

RETURN TO THE FATHERLAND. DEFEND THE ANTHEM. HELP US BEAT HONDURAS IN THE HEXAGONAL. HELP US BEAT THAILAND 10-0!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer institutes a loyalty oath prior to the beginning of the next Women's World Cup.

US Soccer To Rapinoe: "Please Stop Solidarity Act Against Racism And Bigotry So Heather O'Reilly Can Get Publicity"

Columbus, OH - According to inside sources, US Soccer has asked Megan Rapinoe to stop showing solidarity with the movement for human rights and racial justice so that Heather O'Reilly can get some headlines in the paper tonight when she retires.

"Why don't you try to kneel at home where no one can see you? That way HAO can get on page 46 of the New York Times."

"Look, you have all DAY to protest for racial justice," stated US Soccer representative Bradley Westingson. "But Heather O'Reilly only retires once. That is a declarative fact. I mean, seemingly we are still going to be disproportionately arresting and mistreating African-Americans in the United States until the sun explodes, but the retirement of Heather O'Reilly is a pretty big deal. So we just asked Megan if she will delay her kneel down protest and let HAO have a little of the limelight."

Reportedly, US Soccer offered Rapinoe the chance to protest the next day in an empty stadium with the song of her own choosing as they stated, "Just think, would Dr. King have marched from Selma on the day that Heather O'Reilly retired? No. He would respect that HAO is an incredible force for the USWNT and understand that the fight against racism and bigotry should some times be shelved for a retiring soccer player. It's simple, just do what Dr. King would do and delay your horrible, communist, political statement so that HAO can get that sweet pub."

The Nutmeg News will watch as this happens.

How MLS Embraced Latinos: The White Guy Handshake And Awkward Glance Around

Juan Guzman remembers a time in 2016 when he couldn't get a hug from a Major League Soccer executive. "We would walk around in Time Square in New York City, and nobody would bother us," says Guzman, who now focuses on developing and cultivating actual physical contact between the rich white guys that work for Major League Soccer in New York and normal Hispanic, Latino and Mexican human beings who could give two fucks about the league that frequently ignores, belittles and patronizes the divergent fanbases. 

"Nowadays, if I walked down the street, I'd have a decent to poor chance to get a white guy handshake, an awkward glance around and a halting to hesitating question if I want to get tacos."

See! We posted a picture of some people who look ethnic, that means we have embraced Latinos! GIVE THIS LEAGUE A DIVERSITY AWARD!

This is no exaggeration. The US Hispanic community is the largest ethnic or racial minority group in the country, so we are just going to make some really rampant generalizations here. We talked to a few people who were probably Latino, or Mexican, or maybe Cuban on the street... they didn't identify and we didn't ask questions. They said they liked soccer, although some of them said they didn't like soccer and some of them didn't want to talk to us at all. 

"It's no coincidence that we are aggressively trying to pander to demographics that we try to generalize into small groups and offer options like latino del ano which somehow covers players from just about anywhere but Europe," stated Major League Soccer Latino outreach and Mexican investigator Jimmy Smith. "Did you know that Mexican's like soccer? It's a FACT!"

MLS's strategy to specifically target the community with bullshit promotions, pandering coverage, and whole identity team branding based on one team in one area of Mexico that ultimately failed because of every possible reason on the face of the planet has been a complete success. In fact, MLS is the most diverse professional sports league in North America, with players from 59 countries around the world, which really doesn't make any sense at all in an article about "How MLS Embraced Latinos", but at this point we are just going to shoehorn in any facts that we can to try to bolster this argument that any objective observer of the league knows is complete crap.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we continue to pay for coverage in major newspapers.

Self-Identified Antifa, Anarcho, Left Wing, Ultra, Casual, Punk, Soccer Fan Decries Unpatriotic Morons

LOS ANGELES - Isaac Brayburn, a self-identified antifa, anarcho, left wing, ultra, casual, punk, soccer fan, has issued his proclamation on Megan Rapinoe and other athletes who are kneeling as a protest during the United States National Anthem calling them, "unpatriotic morons who deserve to leave the country as soon as possible."

Mr. Brayburn has some movie recommendations, if you like.

"I'm antifa and.. you know.. against racism and all that, but I'm not here to listen to anyone's complaints about the national anthem," stated Brayburn to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "Racism has, by and large, been defeated in the United States. I can honestly say that as a white man, I haven't encountered any racism recently, nor have any of my good friends. The only time that we are reminded of the past specter of racism, that used to exist at one point, is in the time when my supporters group does an anti-racism or anti-homophobia T.I.F.O, and other than that, we need to keep these games about soccer and soccer only. Yeah, I like Fred Perry. Yeah, I like my adidas shell suits. But I love my flag. Fred White and Blue, baby!"

Reportedly, Brayburn has stylized himself as a left wing political, casual ultra punk anarchist, by his own description, but also refers to himself as an apolitical fan who feels that the National Anthem shouldn't be desecrated by unpatriotic assholes.

"These so-called protesters should be compelled to sing the anthem and pledge allegiance to the flag UNDER GOD or forced off the national team that they represent. I will not stand for Megan Rapinoe desecrating this song. You know who wouldn't sing for the anthem? Nazis. I hate Nazis.  

As Crass said in How does it feel,

'How does it feel to be the mother of a thousand dead?
Young boys rest now, cold graves in cold earth'

So you can clearly see that Crass want you to stand for the anthem, because HOW DOES IT FEEL, cold graves in the earth. DON'T DESECRATE MY FLAG!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Brayburn turns to militant anti-veganism.

Bloggers Rush To Write More Pulisic Articles After American Player Starts In Champions League

Internet Bloggers the country over rushed to their computers to write articles on Christian Pulisic after the Pennsylvania native found himself in the starting 11 for Borussia Dortmund in their UEFA Champions League game against Legia Warsaw.

Put here just to infuriate you.

"THE FUTURE OF THE UNITED STATES AND HUMANITY AS A WHOLE," stated USMNT blogger Carla Crowder. "Pulisic shows again why he is the best thing that you have ever seen, on the face of the planet, ever."

"It's officially time to FREAK OUT!" stated Quincy Koblens of Oklahoma City. "Pulisic is starting, Landon Donovan is back and the United States is going to win the World Cup."

After frantically re-tweeting every news source about the even that he possibly could, USMNT follower Greg "Dirty Bird" Randolph wrote in all caps, "FIRE UP THE PULISIC KLAXON! LETS GET THIS HYPE TRAIN ROLLING" and then proceeded to post 5 Pulisic videos to his Facebook homepage before he was put on mute by his girlfriend Sonya for talking too much about the young player.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we write a column titled, "15 ways that Pulisic signifies the cool new American ideal" for GQ or Stuff.

MLS To Canadian Teams, "If You Want Equal Player Rights, Become American!"

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, started firing back at the head of Canada Soccer after Victor Montagliani brought up the discrepancy in MLS roster rules between Canadian and American players as Garber stated, "If you want equal player rights, become American!"

Oh! Canada?

"It's a simple fact, if you want to be treated like Americans you should become Americans," stated Don Garber to The Nutmeg News. "Every other country is shit, and that includes Canada. We are the best. And if you want to be treated like us, you should become us. I've been lobbying the United States to just annex and invade British Columbia and Ontario for years, now."

Reportedly, Garber has been on the offensive after realizing that the three Canadian teams in Major League Soccer would even remotely think about possibly moving to the new Canadian Premier League.

"Trust me, that isn't happening," stated Garber. "Unless Canada is ready to declare fealty to the United States, approach on bent knee, give offerings of gold and myrrh, stand and then start patriotically singing the national anthem, we aren't going to start making any concessions to those teams. They are lucky that we even cover them at all."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as MLS dictates we can only spend 5% of our coverage on Canadian teams and FC Edmonton takes up 99% of that 5% with their bagpipers of doom.

PEPSICO Memorial Justin Mapp Zombie Expansion Draft Rises From Dead

Despite that blogger that you know that told you eight million times that the expansion draft was dead, The Zombie Expansion Draft rose from the dead this afternoon to once again terrorize the rosters of Major League Soccer.

(Barbara Johnston/AP file photo)

"The expansion draft is dead," stated one anonymous asshole who hadn't checked twitter yet this morning. "Trust me. I read about it. It's definitely dead."

Given the false and overconfident assurances from a person who is neither in the league front office nor connected to anyone that would know better (other than following reporters on twitter), it was shocking, SHOCKING, today to find that the MLS expansion draft is not dead and the rules were in place for the upcoming recycling of players considered unimportant for their teams to the newest teams in Major League Soccer.

"We firmly believe that the expansion draft adds to the excitement and benefit of the league as a whole," stated commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber. "As such, we have decided to have the expansion draft sponsored this year and named to reflect the deep heritage of our league. This 2017 season, we will start the PEPSICO Memorial Justin Mapp Expansion Draft that will allow Atlanta United and Minnesota United to select players from the group of players who definitely weren't making it on their current teams, but are likely going to not make it on their next teams."

According to league sources, MLS executives are bullish on fans enjoying the PEPSICO Memorial Justin Mapp Expansion Draft with interactive displays of moving players and running financial totals of how much it will cost the players to move their families across north america against their current salary of $55,000

The Nutmeg News will have more from the deadline day coverage of the PEPSICO Memorial Justin Mapp Zombie Expansion Draft as it happens.

American Dilettante Finally Moves On From Premier League

Tampa, FL - American dilettante David Brady announced that he has moved on from the English Premier League after stating, "De Bruyne is the only decent player worth watching in the Premier League," on his Twitter account.

The only decent player left in the Premier League.

Brady has long taken an extremely narrow view of loving soccer by only watching what he claims is the best soccer in the world, even if that means changing the team he loves every year like fashion changes style.

"I've been a Barcelona fan, Madrid (both Atletico and Real) fan, Chelsea fan, Manchester United fan, Juventus fan, A.C. Milan fan, Bayern Munich fan, and a Manchester City fan for a number of different years," stated Brady to The Nutmeg News. "However, I've realized, recently, that the quality in the Premier League is awful, the players are terrible and that De Bruyne is really the only player worth watching. Everything else is just shit. I mean, the Premier League is basically on the same level as Major League Soccer. And I'm not going to be watching any of that."

Brady stated that he will only watch the best teams and the best player play the best soccer, which usually takes a few weeks into the season to dictate what he will be watching as he stated, "Leicester was the death knell of the Premier League, for me. The fact that such a shit team with shit players could win a league just proves how awful England has become. I'm off to La Liga now, it's the only bastion of good play, good players and great coaching left."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brady examines which team he is going to watch this year based on how much they win.

Best Soccer Podcast Ever Still On Hiatus From Starting

Newark, NJ - Henry Davidson and Nathan Olivares, co-hosts of the Best Soccer Podcast Ever, admitted that their podcast is still on hiatus from starting with their inaugural podcast start time still unknown.

"I'd really to spend a few months test driving microphone and computer setups, as well"

The Best Soccer Podcast Ever was scheduled to start recording in February of this year, but a varied number of excuses and life events kept the two from recording anything at all in 2016. 

"We've been on hiatus for approximately 8 months but you can't rush quality," stated Davidson. "Fortunately, we are definitely going to record the podcast this week, just as soon as we decide on a font for our website and a distribution service for putting out our audio. We've moved the Facebook group start date for the first podcast again, but I don't think anyone will mind as this is roughly the 14th time we have published a start date."

Reportedly, the duo have squabbled about every single item on the road to creating a podcast from the creation of a twitter account, to the twitter handle to the picture on the twitter header to the usage of team specific hashtags when they discuss different fanbases.

"We actually spent two months trying to figure out which webhost we should go with," stated Olivares. "It was exhausting, but we know that the effort we are putting forth will eventually be paid back from the 10s of listeners that will give the first five minutes of our podcast a listen before they decide they don't care."

"The latest argument was whether we were going to record video of the two of us recording the podcast," stated Davidson. "So we had to find a video camera and set up a test podcast to test the test podcast, but we got delayed from doing that because Nate spent 2 weeks researching which video camera was being used online with other podcasts. I still don't have an answer from him whether we are going to do this or not, so until I get that, we aren't proceeding with anything."

Friend Steven Rasmussen admits that he has been now invited to be on the show that doesn't exist roughly 14 times, as the duo keep assuring him that they are recording next week, every time they see each other at Red Bull Arena. "Just admit it isn't going to happen, guys," stated Rasumussen to friends.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Olivares and Davidson get into an argument regarding the kind of merchandise they would be comfortable selling to fans and delay the release of the podcast another month.

Man Resorts To Highlight Package To Keep Office Identity After Opening NFL Weekend

NEW YORK - In order to keep his soccer fan identity at his office, Jason Kershaw admitted that he had to resort to utilizing the highlights from the Red Bull/D.C. United Game..

"Isn't your team playing in soccer right now?"

"I spent the entire Sunday watching the NFL and I completely forgot about watching any soccer games til I got into work and my co-worker Brad expected to have a conversation about the D.C. United/Red Bull game," stated Kershaw to The Nutmeg News. "I quickly excused myself for a bout of pretend explosive diarrhea and ran to the bathroom to watch the highlights from this weekend so I could keep my office cred of being a soccer guy."

Kershaw reportedly was able to glean enough from the highlight package that he was able to resume the conversation about soccer with co-worker Brad Smith after Kershaw returned from the bathroom.

"I can't believe they threw away another lead," stated Kershaw as he nervously played with his keys and reminded himself to stick to general themes and not specific game points. "They'd be in first place if we could just stop from coughing up the ball."

Kershaw than allowed Smith to talk about the game for the next 10 minutes before he excused himself back to his desk for a, "meeting... um... that I have.. real soon," where he worked on setting his NFL fantasy lineup for the next spate of upcoming games.

"I need a new running back and I need to figure out a QB situation. I'll read up on the Red Bull game later, I gotta figure out this stuff soon before I fall back too far in my fantasy league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kershaw mistakenly talks about Ronald Zubar's positive impact on the game.

The Acquisition Of MLS Legend Landon Donovan By Major League Soccer Begs The Question, Has Major League Soccer Finally Made It?

LOS ANGELES - At his Malibu home on the foreign coastline of California, Landon Donovan looked at his phone at the offer. It was decision time, for the MLS legend. Come out of retirement to play in the fledgling North American Major League Soccer or stay at home to focus on family and life.

"I originally refused to come out of retirement and join a league that would have me as a returning retired player," stated Donovan to The Nutmeg News. However a conversation with head coach Bruce Arena changed his mind and the player took a giant leap into a foreign league. The MLS legend texted back to MLS saying, "I'm in," and the journey from his home began.

The Legend Of MLS finally comes to MLS.

The Major League Soccer started the journey towards acquisition of the retired player two years ago after Landon Donovan, MLS superstar, retired from the league he called home for so many years.

"We knew that we would have half a chance at being in for Donovan if we got to him right after retirement," stated Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. "We chased him for nearly 2 years and finally got him in this league. If anything in the world will show that Major League Soccer has finally made it in the professional sports landscape of North America, it is the acquisition of Landon Donovan to Major League Soccer."

Excited over the prospects of adding the legend of MLS to Major League Soccer, Major League Soccer hastily announced the news online declaring their triumph once and for all.

Pundits declared the victory complete as journalist Rob Grason for MLSsoccer.com stated, "Finally MLS shows it is has arrived with the acquisition of veteran MLS player Landon Donovan. The myth, the shapeshifter, the master, the stallion of Rancho Cucamonga, the Legend of Major League Soccer finally comes to MLS. MLS has made it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we interview other pundits from MLSsoccer.com about the original pundit's opinion and whether they are true while also summarizing tweets from other people online and putting up a poll whether MLSsoccer.com has made it now that Donovan is in the league.

Donovan Updates Amazon Gift List For Next Retirement Sendoff

LOS ANGELES - Upset with the vast amount of framed kits, lightbox and picture collage items he received during his first retirement tour, LA Galaxy player Landon Donovan updated his Landon Donovan Amazon Retirement Registry, on Friday, to reflect what he really wants to receive during his next retirement sendoff.

Another framed picture? What happened to that Keurig Carafe that I registered for, Gregg?

"You only get at least two chances to retire," stated Donovan to The Nutmeg News. "And this time around I'm not settling for those chintzy token gifts that I got from the arts and crafts department of all those teams."

Donovan stated that he was praying for more tangible items, this time, and that he simply hoped that teams would follow his instructions to see his gift list registration which will be clearly printed on his retirement party invitations, to be sent out by E-Vite.

"I'm talking kitchen items, a microwave, a new sofa, a new 4k 100 inch HD-TV, or maybe even a car. I don't need any more framed sections of net in my house. I'm all stocked up on net. I'm all stocked up on pictures. I'm not all stocked up on Chevy Malibu's or giant carved Almond Rocha's in the shape of my head," stated Donovan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Donovan casually informs friends on his e-vite page that, "arts and crafts projects in the past were appreciated, but please keep items to a tangible level this time around."

Galaxy Legend Andrew Shue Also Considering Comeback

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy legend Andrew Shue is also considering a comeback to Major League Soccer (MLS) after watching the fervently accepted return of Landon Donovan to the league.

LEGENDShue

"The return of Landon reminded me of my own career, and I've always thought of what would happen if I came back," stated Shue to The Nutmeg News. "In between my time with Melrose Place and the Galaxy, it was well known that I was a Galaxy legend, and I know that Bruce Arena would find my contributions valuable off the bench."

Reportedly, the 49 year old former midfielder has found that retirement from Major League Soccer and Melrose Place isn't everything he thought it would be and has been practicing for his comeback with relentless binges of FIFA 2016.

"I'm playing as Barcelona so I'm really getting my touch back and this intricate passing. I can just hope that I can bring as much to the team as I did before when I was a key contributor coming off the bench. Did I tell you about my time playing soccer in Zimbabwe's first division? It was pretty great. Anyway. Everyone let Robbie Keane know that I'm coming back for my #7 kit. It's time for the return of the Shue."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrew Shue finds out that he has to go through the allocation process.

Club América Confirm They Hold Player Rights To Landon Donovan

Mexico City, MX - Liga MX team Club América announced, today, that they hold the player rights for Landon Donovan after Major League Soccer (MLS) traded the retired players rights to América for the ability to have a failing player from Club América come play on loan for LAFC in 2 years and a bulk order of Tide laundry detergent.

Bienvenidos, Donovan!

"We control the future for Mr. Donovan," stated manager Ignacio Ambríz. "We plan on seeing him in azul y amarillo, if he returns, and playing on the hallowed field of Estadio Azteca."

Reportedly, Club América is not interested in targeted allocation money or an additional Designated Player option, but rather is interested in seeing if Donovan could even make the reserve bench for América in a television series they plan on producing called, "Gringo at the Gates 2: Watch Donovan Fail."

"We know that all American soccer fans will welcome Landon's attempts at making our roster and we welcome the United States press covering this. Welcome to Club América, Landon!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as THE GREATEST PLAYER IN MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER, LANDON DONOVAN, rethinks his return.

White Smoke Emerges From MLS Headquarters As Garber Ceremonially Burns Player Acquisition Rules

NEW YORK - White smoke emerged from Major League Soccer (MLS) headquarters as commissioner Don Garber ceremonially burned the player acquisition rules as was dictated by the un-retirement of Landon Donovan.

HE HAS RETURNED. MAY THE BLESSINGS OF DONOVAN DRIP FROM YOUR COUNTENANCE!

"And so, as the great ones foretold, He returns and his raiment would be resplendent in the way that a dove shall alight upon our weary franchises," stated Garber in his recitation of catechism of the Holy Donovan. 

"He graces us with his presence, untold in all circles, magnificent in its beauty, in its branding, in the many sponsorship opportunities and possible increase in television viewers. Oh blessed are the television viewers, and for the network do they serve.

His return was stated to be manifested in the three signs. 

#1 The holy arrival of the agent

#2 The sunbeam of clarity upon our rule books of old

#3 The visitation of his presence as felt by the request for press credentials by those unbelievers who did not care prior.

Only then  shall we roll back the rules of antiquity and usher in a new age of player acquisition.

Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of Bendtner, we shall fear no evil for Donovan was always walking with us, carrying us and therefore we had only but one set of footprints that were on the sand in Cambodia."

Garber then burnt the 2016 player acquisition rules clearing a path for the BEST PLAYER IN MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER, Landon Donovan, to return to the LA Galaxy by any method he wishes.

"SO SHALL IT BE SAID, SO SHALL IT BE DONE," stated Garber as he ritualistically severed a cut of meat off of ChivaFighter, who rotated slowly on a spit. "We must cleanse ourselves of our impurity! All must be readied for the return! THE UNBELIEVERS WILL BE SACRIFICED!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on the return of THE BEST PLAYER IN MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER, LANDON DONOVAN.

Bill Lynch Designates Stadium As Safe Space For Direct Language

WASHINGTON - Bill Lynch, owner of the Washington Spirit, announced on Thursday that he would be designating and zoning the Maryland SoccerPlex as a safe space for (as he calls it), "direct language, free of judgement".

Our interns put about as much effort into this as Lynch did into his thought about trying to make the game about the game by moving the Anthem.

Lynch was reportedly upset by the frequent calls for the Spirit to have a LGBTQ pride night. He was, as well, furious by Megan Rapinoe's kneel down display during the United States National Anthem at the last Seattle Reign game.

After purposefully moving the playing of the anthem to after the warm ups when the teams were not on the field (in order to stifle Rapinoe's decision) Lynch stated that he was designating the stadium as a safe space for, "conservative principles and direct language".

"This place will allow for free thoughts and free words, so that I can speak my mind without criticism. I'm tired of these lesbian women, gay men, and week willed liberal activists telling me what I can and can't do. On this field I am free to call you or anyone else all the words that I want to use. I'm also requiring all players and coaches for the Spirit to read The Fountainhead and write a 2500 word report on why Ayn Rand authorizes drone strikes by the Air Force.  I will tell you what, I will be DARNED TO HECK if someone criticizes the national anthem," stated Lynch to The Nutmeg News.

"I plan on using all the words that everyone tells me I can't. It's my stadium and my team. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU CANT. YOU CANT. YOU CANT YOU CANT YOU CANT YOU CANT YOU CANT. We didn't send hundreds of people to die in Vietnam for no reason just so a soccer player could not stand for the anthem. We did it to blunt the tide of creeping communism and to stop the Russkies from fluoridating our water which was turning our sons and daughters.... you know what.... You can't call me a bigot in my own stadium."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lynch ushers us out with a comment about whether our reporters are of Western European descent, or not.

Forbes MLS Blogger Valuation Reveals Intimate Financial Details Of Free Labor That Leagues Exploit

NEW YORK - The Forbes MLS Blogger Valuation revealed the intimate financial value of online bloggers and writers as the information hit the internet earlier today.

"Ok, sure... this doesn't look great, but I got a conditional press pass and a re-tweet from the official MLS account, so I'm good."

"We took the time to really review and assess current bloggers from the standpoint of their financial valuation on the market," stated senior analyst Howard Libscott. "We were able to drill down to identify exactly how much content and value a blogger/writer creates for free for a sport that relentlessly uses free labor to pad their public relations and journalism numbers."

At the top of the Forbes list was SBNation.com, the monolithic blog site that contains a vast network of interconnected sites for MLS, USMNT, NWSL, USL and NASL teams. SBnation.com creates a vast stratosphere of information for Major League Soccer (and other leagues) that is largely created, utilized and (at times) spammed out by the league for free.

"We wanted to reflect that these bloggers are actually giving away all of their work, both hard and lazy, for absolutely nothing, and generating decent amounts of publicity for their respective leagues while receiving nothing but the chance for a retweet by a team account, or the ability to write game previews for a league website and have angry mouth-breathing idiots critique their sentence structure in online comments," stated Libscott. "It's important to note that our valuation isn't based in the finances that bloggers or writers earn, because 95% of them earn nothing. The valuation is based on the amount of money that MLSsoccer.com or the NASL would actually have to pay them in order to get coverage that bloggers and writers provide for free."

Reportedly, pundits have decried the Forbes Valuations stating, "These are fans who don't know what they are doing and should be honored to get a mention by someone doing a league news recap for an official website."  However, others have stated that the only people actually covering the league most of the time, in depth, are fans and that Major League Soccer utilizes the leagues position in the market to create their own narrative via a loosly designated press corp that are all employed by the league they are supposed to cover who often utilize the free writing and research that others do to create columns/information for the league.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as owners decry the released numbers stating, "bloggers and writers don't actually offer any kind financial benefit for our team."

NWSL Announce Interest In Welcoming Bag Of Cash To League

NEW YORK - The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that they were very interested in welcoming a giant bag of cash, and Barcelona, to the league any year or time that the team is interested in investing.

WELCOME BARCELONA!

"We welcome money with open arms," stated commissioner Jeff Plush. "If Barcelona wants to drop a giant wad of money into our league, they can start whenever they want, pick whichever players they want and do whatever they want."

Reportedly, the league has informed Barcelona that there are no restrictions to their entry and stated that any time they want to talk to Megan Rapinoe, Alex Morgan, Christen Press and Carli Lloyd about playing for their team, they can start (provided of course that none of the aforementioned players are on a book tour).

"We really don't care about anything other than the fat sack of money that the team would be able to offer our league. We plan on making it another season and this would absolutely help our dreams of doing that," stated Plush.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL inform players that despite the money Barcelona has injected into the league that they will still need to cut overall salaries and create more unpaid player positions.