White Smoke Emerges From MLS Headquarters As Garber Ceremonially Burns Player Acquisition Rules

NEW YORK - White smoke emerged from Major League Soccer (MLS) headquarters as commissioner Don Garber ceremonially burned the player acquisition rules as was dictated by the un-retirement of Landon Donovan.

HE HAS RETURNED. MAY THE BLESSINGS OF DONOVAN DRIP FROM YOUR COUNTENANCE!

HE HAS RETURNED. MAY THE BLESSINGS OF DONOVAN DRIP FROM YOUR COUNTENANCE!

"And so, as the great ones foretold, He returns and his raiment would be resplendent in the way that a dove shall alight upon our weary franchises," stated Garber in his recitation of catechism of the Holy Donovan. 

"He graces us with his presence, untold in all circles, magnificent in its beauty, in its branding, in the many sponsorship opportunities and possible increase in television viewers. Oh blessed are the television viewers, and for the network do they serve.

His return was stated to be manifested in the three signs. 

#1 The holy arrival of the agent

#2 The sunbeam of clarity upon our rule books of old

#3 The visitation of his presence as felt by the request for press credentials by those unbelievers who did not care prior.

Only then  shall we roll back the rules of antiquity and usher in a new age of player acquisition.

Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of Bendtner, we shall fear no evil for Donovan was always walking with us, carrying us and therefore we had only but one set of footprints that were on the sand in Cambodia."

Garber then burnt the 2016 player acquisition rules clearing a path for the BEST PLAYER IN MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER, Landon Donovan, to return to the LA Galaxy by any method he wishes.

"SO SHALL IT BE SAID, SO SHALL IT BE DONE," stated Garber as he ritualistically severed a cut of meat off of ChivaFighter, who rotated slowly on a spit. "We must cleanse ourselves of our impurity! All must be readied for the return! THE UNBELIEVERS WILL BE SACRIFICED!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on the return of THE BEST PLAYER IN MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER, LANDON DONOVAN.