CHICAGO - US Soccer, today, issued a press released calling on all true patriot soccer players to come defend the Fatherland.
"ATTENTION TRUE PATRIOTS," started the bombastic press release.
"THE FATHERLAND IS IN PERIL, we must defend the colors and flag of our fore-fathers by the blood and sweat of the true patriots. You must be American born, or at least talented enough to where we will overlook your dual passport situation while still demanding that you stand and observe correct, non-political protocol when the national anthem is played. You must conflate US Soccer, a non governmental agency, with an actual branch of the government or military. And you must understand that our battle is against the communist menace that reaches every day to destroy our country from the inside with tolerance, compassion and a nuanced understanding of the racial dynamics of our country.
You must be better than Megan Rapinoe, so that we can use that as an excuse to drop her for not standing for the flag while claiming it was performance based. You must conflate listening to a song to the level of patriotism you have in the very marrow of your bones while understanding that questioning anything anything in this country is treason.
You must understand that we have been looked at as commie ball for 70 years, so we are really trying to overcompensate for this stigma by being excessively patriotic in all cases.
RETURN TO THE FATHERLAND. DEFEND THE ANTHEM. HELP US BEAT HONDURAS IN THE HEXAGONAL. HELP US BEAT THAILAND 10-0!"
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer institutes a loyalty oath prior to the beginning of the next Women's World Cup.