MLS To Canadian Teams, "If You Want Equal Player Rights, Become American!"

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, started firing back at the head of Canada Soccer after Victor Montagliani brought up the discrepancy in MLS roster rules between Canadian and American players as Garber stated, "If you want equal player rights, become American!"

Oh! Canada?

Oh! Canada?

"It's a simple fact, if you want to be treated like Americans you should become Americans," stated Don Garber to The Nutmeg News. "Every other country is shit, and that includes Canada. We are the best. And if you want to be treated like us, you should become us. I've been lobbying the United States to just annex and invade British Columbia and Ontario for years, now."

Reportedly, Garber has been on the offensive after realizing that the three Canadian teams in Major League Soccer would even remotely think about possibly moving to the new Canadian Premier League.

"Trust me, that isn't happening," stated Garber. "Unless Canada is ready to declare fealty to the United States, approach on bent knee, give offerings of gold and myrrh, stand and then start patriotically singing the national anthem, we aren't going to start making any concessions to those teams. They are lucky that we even cover them at all."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as MLS dictates we can only spend 5% of our coverage on Canadian teams and FC Edmonton takes up 99% of that 5% with their bagpipers of doom.