Area Man Tells Nation's Youth, "Stop Being Such A Wuss And Get Those Concussions"

PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia man, Warren George, was shocked to find that heading in the game was being reduced at the youth level and he spent most of his Tuesday morning on twitter calling this attempt to reduce head trama, "A PERVERSION OF ALL THAT ENCOMPASSES BEING WHAT AN AMERICAN IS."

Brain damage isn't cool.

"These kids are such wimps these days and don't know what a good concussion can teach you," said a slightly intoxicated George to a Nutmeg News reporter on Tuesday. "Back in my day we got concussions and used them as a matter of pride. We wanted that brain damage. Why, if more 10 year old kids aren't getting brain damage then how are they, later in life, going to learn about prescription drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms?"

Mr George was, as well, incredibly incensed that Taylor Twellman made any effort towards keeping future children from suffering the same concussion issues that he has faced throughout his career.

"This is what you get when you have someone out there scaring kids away from getting concussions. Children should go from heading the ball repeatedly for hours at a time to hitting other kids with their heads like linebackers for fun. Twellman is trying to nanny-state your children by telling them that getting brain damage isn't cool. Kids these days don't get ENOUGH brain damage. How will our nations youth become elite soccer players without continued practice of heading the ball. That's all we've done for 50 years internationally is punt the ball and head it. I will be that man on that wall bellowing out against the injustice of healthy, non-brain damaged children. Back in my day we got our brain damage by riding bikes without a helmet into a wall as latch-key kids stealing from convenience stores and hanging out with strangers eating candy... AND WE LIKED IT. I say this to all the children in the United States of A-MERICA, stop being such a wuss and get those concussions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr George when he starts screaming about Mexican soccer youth taking the midfield jobs of United States players.

Gold Stars And Orange Wedges As League Consoles Players Who Didn't Win

With the season over for all but four remaining teams, MLS coaches and owners are doubling their efforts this weekend to help ease the sting of loss for their players.

Bruce Arena's assistant coach, Dave Sarachan, addressed his team saying, "I just want you guys all to know that you are all doing such a good job. I mean it. Think about how you played last year as compared to this year. Don’t look at the wins and losses, look at how much you learned and progressed. Think about how well you played as a team."

When asked by Omar Gonzalez if he really meant it, Sarachan replied "Yeah buddy, of course I mean it. We’re all super proud of you." Gonzalez was then handed a tissue so he would stop wiping his nose on his kit.

"Don’t give up on yourself Omar. Give soccer another year and see how it goes. Don’t let tough times drive you away from something fun."

Bruce Arena reportedly had no comment as he is busy touring the beaches of Malibu.

You aren't a loser, you are just disadvantaged non-winner.

In New York, Don Garber met with New York City FC (NYCFC) players to pass out orange wedges and talk to them about the end of the season, "I know I’m not your coach, and I know this year has been really hard for you guys. Lots of change, huh? I want to make sure you guys know that it has nothing to do with you.  It’s not your fault at all. Sometimes coaches and owners fight and sometimes they decide that what’s best for the players is to split up. You know what? I think you guys are really going to like Patrick Vieira. He’s a really fun guy. But you don’t have to call him coach right away if you don’t want, it’s ok. But I think once you get to know him and once we get on a real soccer pitch next year, you’ll have lots and lots of fun again."

Ned Grabavoy and Mix Diskerud showing their coping mechanism after the divorce.

In Vancouver, after a heartbreaking loss in front of their own fans, Whitecaps coach Carl Robinson talked to his team. "Listen up guys, it’s really important to be a good loser, but you know what? You need to be a good winner too. I see those Timbers over there dancing with their fans and I know how much that hurts to see. That isn’t very nice of them and I hope their coach yells at them about it. But you know what? There are jerks everywhere in this world. Sometimes you just have to learn how to live with them. I’m just so proud of you guys for being the bigger team today. Despite the fact that you, in fact, lost in front of your home fans you are all winners to me!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as teams pick their head up, go out for ice cream and pizza, and work on their home room project to take their mind off the last week.

Dallas Morning News Begrudginly Gives One Inch Of Space To FC Dallas Win

Dallas, TX - The Dallas Morning News, purveyor of all things Dallas Cowboys and some other things from time to time, begrudgingly gave one inch of space to the FC Dallas playoff win over the Seattle Sounders on the Monday morning edition.

The Dallas Morning News: All Cowboy all the time. Would you like to know more about a horrible piece of trash named Greg Hardy that beat his wife?

The editors of the Dallas Morning News stated the following, "Who gives a shit about soccer? You are lucky we even have a blurb about this. We spent most of Monday morning seeing if we could generate 36 different stories about this Greg Hardy deal."

Soccer fans in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex area say this is nothing surprising or new.

"The Dallas Morning News would rather cover a 0-16 season from the Cowboys than actually do anything about FC Dallas," said local fan Ernesto Sanchez. "They don't want any part of their persona to get infected by soccer so they typically just jam it far far away down into the deep recesses of the website. Hell we don't even have a specific spot on their website, it just says 'Cowboys - Mavericks - Stars - Rangers - Colleges - High Schools - More'. To be fair to the Dallas Morning News, no one should go there for their soccer coverage anyway since it basically doesn't exist. One could argue that the Dallas Morning News just panders to the large demographic of white Cowboys fans who see soccer as a Hispanic sport, but that's likely what it just feels like to me. I mean, if no one cares about soccer, then why was the stadium packed on Sunday night?"

We will just put it under "more". No one in the 'Murica cares about that socialist ball.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas fans continue to fight against the massive indifference from the media and other fans in their area.

Red Bull New York Fan Concerned That Team Didn't Play Beautiful Enough

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Gareth Graham has stated, on twitter, that he is concerned that the win by Red Bull New York to get them to the Major League Soccer Eastern Conference final wasn't aesthetically pleasing enough for his discerning tastes.

My life is based around style, shouldn't my football club be this way as well?

Mr Graham stated, "Life is style. Art is style. Football should be style. Everything I do is interconnected with the aesthetic that defines me, and I'm concerned that there wasn't enough style with Red Bull New York to fit my je ne sais quoi."

During the Town Hall meeting with Red Bull officials, Mr Graham repeatedly asked about the style of the team stressing that it was really even more important than wins. He stands by that philosophy now. "I am not a man prone to supporting the ugly, the unctuous (unless it be cheese), the toad-like, the blasé. I am a man committed to supporting the light, the airy, the dreamy, the frail and fragile tendrils of art that consume us all. And so in football with the dream fugue that takes the artist on the field to new heights. Oh to be that form of football, but to lose by 6 goals but still have that turn in the middle of the field that makes my cheeks moist."

When asked if Mr Graham was enjoying the Red Bull run to the MLS Cup Eastern Finals he said, "Life gives you unexpected results, and to be burgeoning with promise but lacking aesthetic value is difficult. I find the moments to enjoy though and I find myself gravitating towards a light summer scarf with perhaps a Red Bull Logo on it to give me the feeling of hope that balloons from the play of the 11 on the field, even if not aesthetically beautiful at all times."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Graham paints his face and shows up with red horns on his head for the home game against Columbus Crew.

Jozy Altidore Continues 20 Year Project Towards Unfulfilled Potential

TORONTO - As United States international and currently overpaid Toronto FC player Jozy Altidore turned 26 today, The Nutmeg News (TNN) spoke with Altidore over his 20 year project towards unfulfilled potential.

Altidore during unhappier times.

"I'm slowly heading that direction" said Altidore to our reporters on Friday. "Working my way towards 30 years old and the shift from 'we expected so much' to the eventual crushing acceptance by my fans that what you see is what you get. It's delicate process where I give hope by playing with a big team, score a goal, get injured, go on loan, go on loan again, and then eventually move with all my biggest fans saying 'he needs a change of pace.' 

The Nutmeg News spoke to a Jozy Altidore fan, Mr Stephen Reese, in Torrance, California about his expectations for Altidore going forward, "Well he was a young phenom at one point. Then he moved to a player in a bad situation. Then he moved to bust, then to misunderstood, then to another bad situation. Then for a while he was fulfilling his potential in a weak league. Then he was bad again and getting worse and now he seems to be slowly moving towards acceptance. At this point, when he turns 30, we will be able to finally say that he has achieved his potential and that he is a player who is mercurial with often a poor touch and spates of both good and disinterested play.. However, it is important to note that he doesn't get to that point til he is 28 and a half. Right now I still think he just needs time in a good system."

TNN also spoke with journalist Sid Pulanski about Altidore and he had the following to say, "I'm already planning on my un-fulfilled potential story when he turns 29. That's really only 3 years away so I'm just working on the outline and the layout at this point. Gotta let it breathe."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Altidore when he starts playing well and scoring goals only to somehow get injured or fall out of form losing all of his confidence before his big break.

Party Had Despite Lack of Pyro

WASHINGTON - Pyro advocate and Barra Brava member Paula Osterhaus admitted that D.C. United fans had a party despite their lack of pyro during their recent playoff game against Red Bull New York on Sunday.

The District Ultras want Pyro.

"I hate to admit that it was a great party in the stands despite the lack of Pyro" said Ms. Osterhaus. "While I was of the belief that one can guarantee No Pyro No Party is absolutely factual in every way, in fact the opposite proved true and we had a party with zero pyro. True, the final score brought us down, but no amount of flares in the stands would make losing to those bastards ok. Well, maybe a lot of flares, at least more than 2."

While the disappointing realization that one of her core tenents may have not been true was startling, Ms. Osterhaus stated, "This still doesn't change my belief that Pyro makes things better. I still believe in the idea of No Pyro No Party even if I know now that you can indeed have a party without pyro. I'm disappointed, but we will carry on our fight for the legalization of incendiary devices in stadiums everywhere."

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this when Ms. Osterhaus realizes that No Pirlo No Party may not be true as well.

Argumentative Kansas City Fan Sees Potential Brad Davis Trade As Opportunity

Kansas City, MO - Sporting Kansas City fan and chronically argumentative individual David Thurston admitted that he saw the potential Brad Davis trade to Kansas City as a great way to get into small fights on the internet about Brad Davis and what he means to Kansas City fans.

Who me? 

"This is my time!" said Mr. Thurston to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "This potential trade needs an argumentative asshole who challenges fans on their assumption of fandom and repeats trite things like 'you aren't a Sporting fan if you don't love all the players' while then getting into another argument online about how much Brad Davis is the devil in disguise."

Mr. Thurston has admitted to creating a number of different personalities on reddit, facebook and twitter in order to yell at different Kansas City fans and stir up different emotions.

"It's important to troll your own fanbase about a player they don't like. It angries up the blood. Plus it's the offseason, I literally have nothing better to do. This Brad Davis news is the funniest thing I've had happen since that debacle ending to the season."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr. Thurston as he starts a rumor on Big Soccer that Sporting Kansas City are going to trade Graham Zusi and Matt Besler for the rights to Ronaldinho.

"They're Coming To Take Our Jobs!" Canada Enacts Border Restrictions To Prevent Visiting Portland Fans From Immigrating

Vancouver, BC - Canadian officials with the Immigration and Refugee Board have stated that the influx of refugees from Portland this weekend will be closely monitored to ensure that they will not attempt to stay.

These numbers point to the last mass immigration of Portland fans to Vancouver during Quarter 3 of 2014 followed by the mass emigration back to Portland in Quarter 4 as they looked at housing prices.

Anita Biguzs, the Deupty Minister of Citizenship and Immigration,  stated, "We can ill afford to provide housing, food and medical services for people fleeing the massive attacks of gentrification that are happening in Portland. We give our sympathy to the refugees but we will ensure that they watch their soccer game and leave." 

Fans of the Vancouver Whitecaps have admitted they are welcoming but stay cautious of over eager immigrants looking to jump into Canadian life.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Jeremy Dubois, a Vancouver native living in the neighborhood of Marpole, "I had one friend from Portland asking about our healthcare systems the other day. It made me very suspicious of his motives for coming up to Canada. He certainly can't be traveling five hours just to watch his team lose, so I'm guessing he is coming up here to get healthcare and treatment on the Canadian loonie. Or toonie depending on what procedure they are looking to undertake."

TNN also spoke with director of the Immigrant Services Society of BC, Mitch Lifeson, who stated, "These people traveling from Portland are often in ill health, lacking in protein, desperately needing fluoride for their teeth, and craving fatty foods due to their poor diet. We here at ISS will try to find a way to help them out and provide them the ability to live while they consider their options in Vancouver. We will also provide some locally created bone broth and our delicious ramen to get a little bit of meat on their bones."

"THEY ARE COMING TO TAKE 'ER JOBS!" said Oscar Westing. "Harper was RIGHT! It's a wave of green clad immigrants trying to apply for OUR social services, flooding OUR healthcare systems, and trying to find OUR nearest government teat with which to suckle without abandon. We need to build a razor-wire wall with trained snipers at the peace arch to prevent this flood of illegal immigrants and refugees from their own self-induced rent and gentrification crisis. It isn't our fault that they put themselves into this situation."

TNN also spoke with director of Housing and affordability for Vancouver who had the following to say, "I don't think they have looked at cost of living. These people are insane. They're going to run into the same thing that other Americans found when they pledged to leave due the election of Bush, Clinton, Bush, or Obama. You're better off where you are and we're better off with you where you are."

U WOT M8!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Timbers fans flee back to Portland via bus, train, car, and government deportation transports in order to avoid the city-wide riots that will take place on Monday after the inevitable Whitecaps win.

Major League Soccer Fans Thank Steven Gerrard For Derailing LA Galaxy Season And Leaving Team

Major League Soccer (MLS) fans the continent over banded together to thank Steven Gerrard for derailing the LA Galaxy season before unceremoniously leaving the team less than a month after getting knocked out of the playoffs while offering less of a positive impact than Rafa Marquez did for Red Bull New York.

THIS TURNED OUT LIKE EVERY SINGLE LEAGUE SEASON I HAVE EVER HAD

"Thanks, Gerrard! Next could you stop by Tom Brady's house and offer to play kicker for the Patriots?" said Seattle Sounders and Seahawks fan Reggie Holding.

"What a great guy! He managed to kill LA's 2015 season just like he killed Liverpool's seasons for the last 9 years," said Diana Gutierrez of Ann Arbor, Michigan. 

The Nutmeg News spoke with the director of the Las Vegas Institute of Luck and she had the following to say, "Gerrard is what we call, in the industry, a cooler. He steps up to a team and immediately brings everything else around him down. LA can consider themselves lucky that he isn't coming back to their team as they will likely have a good shot at winning MLS Cup in 2016. Should Mr Gerrard want a position after soccer, I'm sure the Tropicana would love to have him as a blackjack dealer. He is one of the few people in the world that could get 5 people around him to just start automatically losing."

The Nutmeg News spoke with former LA Galaxy goalkeeper Donovan Ricketts about this blame and he said the following, "At least they don't realize it was actually my fault."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gerrard attempts to deal Blackjack on the weekends in Blackpool.

Drogba States, "I Can Do Whatever I Want In This League"

Montreal, QC - Didier Drogba has stated to the media on Wednesday, "I can do whatever I want in this league."

At least he didn't bite him....... yet.

Reportedly Drogba was given the ability to do literally anything he wants to do at any time in any game to any person so long as Montreal stays in the playoff race while doing it.

"Don Garber told me that there would be no crack down on anything I do on the playing field so long as I don't actually kill someone. So I am allowed to pull down goal keepers, mouth off to referees and score goals from nearly any position on the field," said the Ivory Coast international. "I've been told that I am allowed to punch players, tackle them, and even elbow them in the face as long as Montreal and I continue to stay in the public eye during the playoffs so I have every intention of doing so."

The Nutmeg News asked Don Garber about this free pass for Didier Drogba and he had the following to say, "Are you Didier Drogba? No - Is Drew Moor Didier Drogba? No - Is Wil Trapp Didier Drogba? No - So it stands to reason that since there is only one Didier Drogba and that he is allowed to do whatever he wants. He picks his own team to play for, he speaks his own language, he tackles whatever player he wants in whatever way he wants. He is above the law and we will not punish our star players. Look this is all part of the script anyway and we are only going to step in if Montreal start losing to the Crew in the second leg. At that point it is going to be red card city for Columbus!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Drogba puts Steve Clark into a figure four leg hold and then holds him there while Montreal scores 5 goals.

Self Made Millionaire Credits Hard Work, Dissolution of Chivas USA

Carson, California – Software developer Alberto Delgado has announced today that his year-to-date income has reached in excess of $1.03 million, officially making him a self-made millionaire. He credits his success solely to the dissolution of his former MLS soccer club, Chivas USA.

These kinds of incredible efforts at fan relations originally kept Mr Delgado from fulfilling his destiny.

“I was spending a couple of hundred dollars a week on my club just in alcohol purchases to help ease the suffering from loss after loss. And when you’re looking at nearly $10 for beer it adds up quickly and then you then factor in that we’re playing in a stadium plastered in LA Galaxy swag I had to drink before I even showed up at the stadium.”

Chivas USA suffered from years of mismanagement and poor results which ultimately ended after the 2014 MLS season when they ceased operations.

“I used to buy every kit they put out, their beer cozies, and really anything else they sold in order to help support the team.  But it was no use. No matter how much money we threw at the club none of it went to any good.”

Delgado continues, “When the team finally dissolved I was forced to take a hard look in the mirror.  On one hand I could switch clubs and start supporting the Galaxy which mean more wins and victory, but I would continue to spend countless hours and hundred's of dollars on following the game.  On the other hand I could ditch it all and invest my time into something more productive. I chose the latter and took a number of online programming classes. I also paid for an Apple developer’s license and began to develop games and apps for iPhones and iPads. After a year of hard work I found that I cleared $1.03 million.”

We asked Delgado if he would be looking to become a supporter of the Los Angeles Football Club when it comes into being in 2016.  “Are you kidding me? I’m looking to expand out into Android systems in the next couple months which means I have to become proficient in yet another programming language and operating system.  I’m even looking to do some development for the iWatch, or Apple Watch, or whatever it’s called. If I'm looking to double my profits by developing for a sub-par product, I don't have time to enjoy sub-par sports. When I think about all the hours I spent painting banners, all the hours I spent needlessly worrying about the team moving. My god, I could have made enough money to buy out Vergara"

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr Delgado when he suffers a relapse and starts caring about sports again.

Detroit City FC Announce Additional Kickstarter, "For $500 More We Can Just Buy Detroit"

Detroit, MI - Detroit City FC (DCFC) announced an additional kickstarter to their Keyworth stadium funding project with the stated goal of "Buy Detroit"

"For only a few dollars more you can own a giant metroplex!"

"We realized that we were realistically only $500 dollars away from being able to just purchase the city and then we would have eminent domain to build a soccer stadium wherever we wanted" said co-owner of Detroit City Sean Mann. "We would love to just be able to own Detroit both figuratively and literally so this seemed like a wise choice for our future."

The Nutmeg News interviewed Detroit City fan Clarissa Harden who stated, "I thought we already owned Detroit, Michigan and all of Oh*o, so this is nothing new. Just wait til the next time a glory hunting carpetbagger comes into the area to try to create an NASL team. We are going to shut them down so fast."

DCFC fan Harvey Thompson stated, "I sold one of my kidney's for the club, but now I'm selling the second for Detroit." When asked how he is going to function without a kidney, Mr Thompson stated, "How would I function without this club or this city? Losing my kidney functionality is the least of my concerns."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as DCFC buys Detroit, tears down the Silverdome and installs pyro vending machines in front of Keyworth Stadium.

Soccer Fans Enraged That Protesters Didn't Pick MLS Playoff Games To Disrupt

Soccer fans the United States over were enraged that protesters didn't pick MLS Playoff games to disrupt instead of a Monday Night Football game.

"Why does Monday Night Football get all the protesters? Aren't we a major sport in the United States?"

"Soccer will NEVER be big in this country til our countries protesters are using our most important games as an arena for political grandstanding" said Trent Hamford director of communication for the Copacabana in Midtown, New York City. "When our nations protesters see our games as the largest target, then we can talk about being part of the big four."

Reportedly, Don Garber called the protesters and asked if they were interested in showing up to protest at the upcoming DC United v Red Bull New York game. Sadly, none of the arrested few knew what a Red Bull New York was and were unable to be convinced. Garber allegedly offered the group a serious amount of allocation money and the right of first refusal on Carlos Vela as a sweetener, with no results.

"If we wanted to make a political statement, why would we pick a sport where roughly 23 people are watching?" said Chelsea Randall, protester against the liquefied natural gas facility in Maryland  "At the very least, I would pick the NASL because they are an open system of management."

Reportedly, the Chicago Fire have already offered one of the protest members a tryout for the 2016 season stating, "Fuck it, we need the publicity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS likely lampoons the protesters in some way while trying to sell playoff tickets.

Inside Source With @NYCFC Details The Passion Of The Kreis

The Nutmeg News has received an exclusive story via a leak from inside the NYCFC organization. One of their interns was able to send out private tweets to us during the course of the day which created a timeline of all the various events that took place during Jason Kreis’ firing on Monday. His messages are as follows.

"No no no no Jason, your playing career ends quickly.. It's your managerial career! somethings gotta be done about your choices!"

8:00am: NYCFC front office receives a tip that Jason Kreis was in Madison Square Garden with a few of his players. Staff and security are dispatched.

8:30am: NYCFC Front office and MLS representatives show up at Madison Square Garden.  Don Garber walks up to Kreis and identifies him to the security personnel by kissing him on the cheek. Kreis is then taken into custody.

9:00am: Kreis arrives at Yankee Stadium where he is confronted by the owners of Manchester City and the New York Yankees. He is condemned to be fired for failing to make the playoffs despite the massive financial investments that were made.

9:15am: A man identified as Frank Lampard is confronted by security as he was walking to the stadium. Security asks if Lampard thinks Kreis did all he could during their inaugural season. Lampard was quoted as saying: “Ultimately the responsibility is on the shoulders of the coach. He didn't give direction in training, lacked an overall match day plan, didn't give tactical direction. I tell you I never believed in him!" NYCFC officials decide everyone will buy this excuse if they keep repeating it, so they contact bloggers to start the excuse making program.

9:45am: Kreis is officially fired by Manchester City CEO Ferran Soriano. While hesitant to sign the official statement, the owners were quoted as saying: “Let his blood be on us and on our investors!” After signing the statement Soriano squirts some Purel hand sanitizer on his hands and vigorously rubs them together, absolving himself of all responsibility and killing 99.9% of germs.

10:00am: Kreis has his suit and shirt torn off and has a MLS Championship Star pinned to his bare chest. He was then forced to hoist up a mock MLS cup wreathed in thorns. Photos are taken and posted to the NYCFC's Instagram to engage millennials in the brand.

10:15am: Kreis is forced to carry a bar from a goal post on his back and starts out by heading North along River Ave.

10:30am: Kreis turns left on East 167th around the parking area.

Jason Kreis in happier days being told to shut the hell up.

10:45am: Next to Mullany Park, near the corner of Jerome Ave and East 165th street, Kreis stumbles and drops the goalpost from sheer exhaustion. A man emerges from the crowd and picks up the post. He is identified as MLS Legend Landon Donovan who then carries the post the rest of the way for Kreis. He is quoted as saying: "It's no problem, I've got lots of practice at this."

11:15am: The goalpost is erected on the pitcher’s mound in Yankee Stadium and Kreis is tied to it. Two of his assistants are attached to goal posts on third and first base.

1:00pm: After two hours the assistant on first base begins to curse Kreis saying that his insistence on playing Grabavoy was always a horrible idea and was doomed to fail.  The coach on third base says that he always admired Kreis' ability to sit Poku despite all the clamor to play him and that he thought he was a great coach. Kreis tells this coach that he will be on his staff when he is picked up by either Chicago or Colorado.

2:00pm: NYCFC players enter the stadium and witness NYCFC security personnel gambling for Kreis’ scarf, tie, and hair styling product.  Grabavoy and McNamara approached Kreis who then addressed them saying: “Grabavoy, here is your son. McNamara, here is your mother.” The meaning behind this was not entirely understood.

2:45pm: Kreis raises his head and yells out: “My league! My league! Why hast thou forsaken me?!”  He then lowered his head and returned to being quiet.

3:00pm: Kreis raises his head a final time and says: “The inaugural season... is finished.”  A tweet from the official New York City Football Club account is sent out announcing the plan for all parties to go their separate ways.

His remains were sent to Salt Lake City as Real Salt Lake owner, Dell Loy Hansen, had donated an old janitor's closet located under Rio Tinto stadium.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we debut our interactive stage version of "The Stages Of The Cross: Kreismass of Doom" staring Gary Sinese as Jason Kreis and Fay Dunaway as whatever we come up as a Mary Magdalene substitute.

Steven Gerrard Unaware He Was Actually Going To Have To Play Soccer

LOS ANGELES - Steven Gerrard, former Liverpool player, sometime pundit, and roster corpse for the LA Galaxy, admitted that he was actually unaware that moving to Major League Soccer (MLS) meant he would actually have to play soccer for a living.

Steven Gerrard shown here ensuring another Liverpool title.

"They told me this was a retirement league, not a league filled with shit referees, artificial turf and distances the equivalent of flying from London to Moscow." said a perturbed Gerrard to his agent on Monday morning. "If I wanted to actually play this season I would have moved to Italy. Instead, now I'm expected to run around and try to play when I really just want to fly back to the BT Sports booth and make pithy comments like Jamie gets to do next to Thierry Henry."

Gerrard was apparently shocked to find out that it gets to be 110 degrees in Dallas, that Seattle has rain and terrible turf and that no one in Colorado even knows that their team exists.

"I tried to call David but he told me to figure it out on my own." said Mr Gerrard to our reporter on Monday. "It's like moving from a club where I was a demi-god to a different club that is used to winning every year means that I lost all the possible cachet that I had available to deflect attention away from my declining play. Hell, I'm glad the season is over. Now I just get to hang around on the beach and set myself up for my retirement tour next season."

While Gerrard can be assured that his place in Liverpool history will never slip, his ability to weather the storm in Los Angeles is still up for grabs.

"There's always a time for a retirement rejuvenation" said Gerrard.

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this situation when Bruce Arena starts replacing Gerrard with players from LA 2.

Whitecaps Fan Stranded After Failed Cascadian Secession

Blaine, Washington - James Whitmore, a Vancouver B.C. resident, found himself trapped on the American side of the border after realizing he had burned his passport due to a drastic misunderstanding.

VIVE LA REVOLUTION, BUT ONLY IF IT SUCCEEDS BECAUSE LORD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK ON THE US SIDE OF THE BORDER.

“Oh, you know how it is when you mix weed and beer?” says Mr. Whitmore, “With pot being legal all the way from Vancouver to Portland we ended up smoking all the way down. We even had to stop at a few dispensaries along the way to stock back up. Then we get to Portland and we start hitting some beers because everything is so cheap here compared to Vancouver. Did you know you can get a beer in Portland for under 5 dollars, even good beer and not that Molson shit? I knocked back five without really thinking about it then headed into their stadium.”

It was at this point that Whitmore stopped consuming alcohol and marijuana but had forgotten about some potent edibles he had consumed somewhere outside of Vancouver, Washington. Enough time had passed that the edibles began to take effect.

“I was standing there and I’m just stoned out of my gourd waiting for the game to start. I looked across the stadium to the Timbers Army and I see a bunch of Cascadia flags being waved. I became transfixed and sort of hypnotized by the movements. Then I see this giant one up get raised up on the main stage. It was like thirty feet tall, you know? I thought this was the signal that the Cascadian secession had begun. It became very clear to me that the revolution was at hand. We were to seize the grounds, take the stadium, win the game, and then march on the heads of state. That this was the time to seize our new Cascadian country from the hands of the despots and Justin Trudeau who I voted for because really he represents a lot of the social contract that went missing when we elected Harper into position.”

The Cascadian flag, a green, white, blue flag with a doug fir in the middle, represents a secession movement for a bioregion reaching from Oregon up through Canada.

“I started waving my Cascadian flag like crazy,” Whitmore continues, “and I’m yelling ‘free Cascadia’ at the top of my lungs. I kind of blacked out around then but my friend Mitch says that I then took out my passport and set fire to it. I didn’t even realize it until we got back to the Canadian border and I didn’t have my passport anywhere.”

Whitmore is currently staying in Blaine, Washington awaiting a replacement passport.

“I’m probably going to lose my job as I was supposed to be at work at eight today, but oh well.  The main problem is that I have a severe issue with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and if I go to the hospital here in the United States I'm completely screwed. I don't really know what to do so the revolution needs to either come right now, or I need someone to express mail me a passport. I'm not claiming asylum here. Why would I want to leave right before Harper is out?

Since there’s nothing else to do I’m spending most of my time in the Evergreen Cannabis dispensary. I’m going to need to get really stoned next week since it will be winner take all.”

DC United Fan Admits, "I Ran Onto The Field To Save My Life"

WASHINGTON - DC United Fan and fan "streaker" Wesley Szbilic admitted that he only ran onto the field to save his life and wasn't trying to invade the pitch.

Mr Szbilic possibly winning a disability suit at a later date.

"I was cornered in an upstairs bathroom of RFK by knife wielding raccoons" claimed Mr Szbilic to our reporter on Monday morning. "They demanded my shirt, my money or they would take my life"

Reportedly Mr Szbilic tried to get others to help him but they didn't believe anyone had actually waded into the flooded bathrooms to try to use the facilities when they could just piss in the corners of the stadium instead.

"I'm not an animal, I had to go" said Mr Szbilic "But I couldn't deal with their demands, I ran out onto the field because they chased me to field level. I was dodging falling masonry, feral raccoons, irradiated cockroaches that tried to sell me methamphetamine, and I nearly fell through a random sinkhole that appeared in the concourse. RFK is just crazy, man."

While Mr Szibilic was happy for the protection that being arrested availed him, he was still afraid that the Raccoon's and the cockroaches knew the lay of the land better than everyone and they might have someone on the inside. 

"They are still coming for me. The leader, Theo, said that he was going to finish me off for my 2004 Eskandarian kit. I couldn't let him have it!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the raccoons and the cockroaches finally make a gang deal to settle their differences peacefully in order to finally take over the concessions racket.

Area Man Realizes How To Fix Sounders Fans After Attending First Game On Sunday

Seattle, WA - "Put the flags down!!!" screamed area man Stuart Yarborough while he attended his first Seattle Sounders game on Sunday.

To annoy the living shit out of Mr Stuart Yarborough of N 180th St in Shoreline.

Mr Yarborough reportedly picked up the tickets from his friend Brent Osterhaus (because Brent needed the money in order to buy Star Wars tickets for opening day) who failed to inform Mr Yarborough that the game wouldn't be catered to Mr Yarborough's needs and wishes.

"This is bullshit," said Mr Yarborough "I'm here to watch the game and the Emerald City Supporters need to cater the kind of experience that they give me to the experience that I want to have. This is about me. I don't care how long they have been doing this, it is bullshit! With the flags and the waving and the chanting and the guys wearing hats. I'm telling you, these fans don't have a clue what it means to be a real fan."

Mr Yarborough reportedly was upset at having a flag knock over some of his popcorn that he specifically walked to get, and the rest of the afternoon was an nonredeemable mess.

"I want to stand here to watch the game. I don't care that there are 65,000 other seats that I could move to that don't have waving flags. I deserve to watch the game from right here exactly like I want. And you know what? I think they should not sing either. You don't hear Hawks fans singing, this is bullshit. All these guys are transplants, I can tell. They are the real reason I stopped living in Capitol Hill. Pushed the rent up on me. What a bunch of clowns. Well I'll tell you what, I'm going to keep coming back to this section and keep on yelling at people to put the flags down. It's my god given right to figure out a way to ruin this socialist ball."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Yarborough as he loudly argues about the stupidity of the offside rule to anyone that will listen.

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Atheist Attends Church And Calls Mother After Pact With God Goes Horribly Wrong During Timbers Game

Portland, OR - Avowed Atheist  David Metrow found himself attending church on Friday morning after praying for Saad Abdul-Salaam to miss his penalty kick last night in the Timbers 7-6 MLS Playoffs victory over Sporting Kansas City.

"Fuck, am I a Unitarian now?"

Not only did Mr. Metrow promise to attend church but he also vowed to call his mother, something he had not done since the great Thanksgiving argument of 2006 where his mom, Debra, confessed that she was disappointed in his decision to major in Romanian Art Studies instead of business.

"Hi mom, I'm at church" said a sheepish Metrow who was convinced to make good on his promises that were widely unheard and completely without actual merit. "I guess I'm a Unitarian now. You can blame soccer."

Reportedly Mr Metrow's mother was disappointed in his attending a soccer game and called the vivid 30 minute description given by Mr Metrow, "an orgiastic carnal description of sinning against Jesus and God almighty as given by leftists and Bolivian anarchists bent on taking away jobs from good Americans who farm in Kansas." 

Mr Metrow has vowed that he will not call on the powers of Jesus or God again unless he really needs Darlington Nagbe to sink a goal in the 91st minute of the upcoming game against Vancouver.

"At least next time I'm going to try to make promises to Buddha." said Metrow.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Metrow attempts to square his own fanaticism for his soccer team with his core grounded atheism.
 

Blissful Toronto Native Unaware That His Soccer Team Is Fighting For His Honor In Montreal

TORONTO - Toronto native Paul Simone is reportedly unaware that his hometown soccer team is fighting for his honor in Montreal this evening.

I mean, this is from an Expos game like 20 years ago, but It probably still applies. You make them sick Mr Simone.

"Whats going on where now?" said Simone as someone asked him if he was watching the game tonight. "The Jays got knocked out of the playoffs, I don't care about watching the rest of the World Series."

Reportedly the rest of Mr Simone's friends are also unaware of this national issue of hometown pride being contested tonight in Montreal.

"Look, we are just in the horrible time between watching the Raptors fail and waiting for the Argonauts fall apart before the Leafs come in to break out heart." said a collection of three of Mr Simone's friends who just don't really care about soccer at all.

"I tried to tell him, we all hate Montreal, come hate Montreal with me tonight  but he just got confused and thought I was talking about Lacrosse" said soccer fan and friend Regis Lefevre. "I might be the only TFC fan that Paul has and the last time I tried to take him it was raining and we lost. Given that this happens a lot, I couldn't convince him to come back out again. It is just a tough sale."

The Nutmeg News will have more on TFC's status if they make it to the final and Mr Simone turns out to have been a really big fan all along.