"They're Coming To Take Our Jobs!" Canada Enacts Border Restrictions To Prevent Visiting Portland Fans From Immigrating

Vancouver, BC - Canadian officials with the Immigration and Refugee Board have stated that the influx of refugees from Portland this weekend will be closely monitored to ensure that they will not attempt to stay.

 These numbers point to the last mass immigration of Portland fans to Vancouver during Quarter 3 of 2014 followed by the mass emigration back to Portland in Quarter 4 as they looked at housing prices.

These numbers point to the last mass immigration of Portland fans to Vancouver during Quarter 3 of 2014 followed by the mass emigration back to Portland in Quarter 4 as they looked at housing prices.

Anita Biguzs, the Deupty Minister of Citizenship and Immigration,  stated, "We can ill afford to provide housing, food and medical services for people fleeing the massive attacks of gentrification that are happening in Portland. We give our sympathy to the refugees but we will ensure that they watch their soccer game and leave." 

Fans of the Vancouver Whitecaps have admitted they are welcoming but stay cautious of over eager immigrants looking to jump into Canadian life.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Jeremy Dubois, a Vancouver native living in the neighborhood of Marpole, "I had one friend from Portland asking about our healthcare systems the other day. It made me very suspicious of his motives for coming up to Canada. He certainly can't be traveling five hours just to watch his team lose, so I'm guessing he is coming up here to get healthcare and treatment on the Canadian loonie. Or toonie depending on what procedure they are looking to undertake."

TNN also spoke with director of the Immigrant Services Society of BC, Mitch Lifeson, who stated, "These people traveling from Portland are often in ill health, lacking in protein, desperately needing fluoride for their teeth, and craving fatty foods due to their poor diet. We here at ISS will try to find a way to help them out and provide them the ability to live while they consider their options in Vancouver. We will also provide some locally created bone broth and our delicious ramen to get a little bit of meat on their bones."

"THEY ARE COMING TO TAKE 'ER JOBS!" said Oscar Westing. "Harper was RIGHT! It's a wave of green clad immigrants trying to apply for OUR social services, flooding OUR healthcare systems, and trying to find OUR nearest government teat with which to suckle without abandon. We need to build a razor-wire wall with trained snipers at the peace arch to prevent this flood of illegal immigrants and refugees from their own self-induced rent and gentrification crisis. It isn't our fault that they put themselves into this situation."

TNN also spoke with director of Housing and affordability for Vancouver who had the following to say, "I don't think they have looked at cost of living. These people are insane. They're going to run into the same thing that other Americans found when they pledged to leave due the election of Bush, Clinton, Bush, or Obama. You're better off where you are and we're better off with you where you are."

 U WOT M8!

U WOT M8!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Timbers fans flee back to Portland via bus, train, car, and government deportation transports in order to avoid the city-wide riots that will take place on Monday after the inevitable Whitecaps win.