DC United Fan Admits, "I Ran Onto The Field To Save My Life"

WASHINGTON - DC United Fan and fan "streaker" Wesley Szbilic admitted that he only ran onto the field to save his life and wasn't trying to invade the pitch.

Mr Szbilic possibly winning a disability suit at a later date.

Mr Szbilic possibly winning a disability suit at a later date.

"I was cornered in an upstairs bathroom of RFK by knife wielding raccoons" claimed Mr Szbilic to our reporter on Monday morning. "They demanded my shirt, my money or they would take my life"

Reportedly Mr Szbilic tried to get others to help him but they didn't believe anyone had actually waded into the flooded bathrooms to try to use the facilities when they could just piss in the corners of the stadium instead.

"I'm not an animal, I had to go" said Mr Szbilic "But I couldn't deal with their demands, I ran out onto the field because they chased me to field level. I was dodging falling masonry, feral raccoons, irradiated cockroaches that tried to sell me methamphetamine, and I nearly fell through a random sinkhole that appeared in the concourse. RFK is just crazy, man."

While Mr Szibilic was happy for the protection that being arrested availed him, he was still afraid that the Raccoon's and the cockroaches knew the lay of the land better than everyone and they might have someone on the inside. 

"They are still coming for me. The leader, Theo, said that he was going to finish me off for my 2004 Eskandarian kit. I couldn't let him have it!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the raccoons and the cockroaches finally make a gang deal to settle their differences peacefully in order to finally take over the concessions racket.