The Nutmeg News has received an exclusive story via a leak from inside the NYCFC organization. One of their interns was able to send out private tweets to us during the course of the day which created a timeline of all the various events that took place during Jason Kreis’ firing on Monday. His messages are as follows.
8:00am: NYCFC front office receives a tip that Jason Kreis was in Madison Square Garden with a few of his players. Staff and security are dispatched.
8:30am: NYCFC Front office and MLS representatives show up at Madison Square Garden. Don Garber walks up to Kreis and identifies him to the security personnel by kissing him on the cheek. Kreis is then taken into custody.
9:00am: Kreis arrives at Yankee Stadium where he is confronted by the owners of Manchester City and the New York Yankees. He is condemned to be fired for failing to make the playoffs despite the massive financial investments that were made.
9:15am: A man identified as Frank Lampard is confronted by security as he was walking to the stadium. Security asks if Lampard thinks Kreis did all he could during their inaugural season. Lampard was quoted as saying: “Ultimately the responsibility is on the shoulders of the coach. He didn't give direction in training, lacked an overall match day plan, didn't give tactical direction. I tell you I never believed in him!" NYCFC officials decide everyone will buy this excuse if they keep repeating it, so they contact bloggers to start the excuse making program.
9:45am: Kreis is officially fired by Manchester City CEO Ferran Soriano. While hesitant to sign the official statement, the owners were quoted as saying: “Let his blood be on us and on our investors!” After signing the statement Soriano squirts some Purel hand sanitizer on his hands and vigorously rubs them together, absolving himself of all responsibility and killing 99.9% of germs.
10:00am: Kreis has his suit and shirt torn off and has a MLS Championship Star pinned to his bare chest. He was then forced to hoist up a mock MLS cup wreathed in thorns. Photos are taken and posted to the NYCFC's Instagram to engage millennials in the brand.
10:15am: Kreis is forced to carry a bar from a goal post on his back and starts out by heading North along River Ave.
10:30am: Kreis turns left on East 167th around the parking area.
10:45am: Next to Mullany Park, near the corner of Jerome Ave and East 165th street, Kreis stumbles and drops the goalpost from sheer exhaustion. A man emerges from the crowd and picks up the post. He is identified as MLS Legend Landon Donovan who then carries the post the rest of the way for Kreis. He is quoted as saying: "It's no problem, I've got lots of practice at this."
11:15am: The goalpost is erected on the pitcher’s mound in Yankee Stadium and Kreis is tied to it. Two of his assistants are attached to goal posts on third and first base.
1:00pm: After two hours the assistant on first base begins to curse Kreis saying that his insistence on playing Grabavoy was always a horrible idea and was doomed to fail. The coach on third base says that he always admired Kreis' ability to sit Poku despite all the clamor to play him and that he thought he was a great coach. Kreis tells this coach that he will be on his staff when he is picked up by either Chicago or Colorado.
2:00pm: NYCFC players enter the stadium and witness NYCFC security personnel gambling for Kreis’ scarf, tie, and hair styling product. Grabavoy and McNamara approached Kreis who then addressed them saying: “Grabavoy, here is your son. McNamara, here is your mother.” The meaning behind this was not entirely understood.
2:45pm: Kreis raises his head and yells out: “My league! My league! Why hast thou forsaken me?!” He then lowered his head and returned to being quiet.
3:00pm: Kreis raises his head a final time and says: “The inaugural season... is finished.” A tweet from the official New York City Football Club account is sent out announcing the plan for all parties to go their separate ways.
His remains were sent to Salt Lake City as Real Salt Lake owner, Dell Loy Hansen, had donated an old janitor's closet located under Rio Tinto stadium.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we debut our interactive stage version of "The Stages Of The Cross: Kreismass of Doom" staring Gary Sinese as Jason Kreis and Fay Dunaway as whatever we come up as a Mary Magdalene substitute.