Atheist Attends Church And Calls Mother After Pact With God Goes Horribly Wrong During Timbers Game

Portland, OR - Avowed Atheist  David Metrow found himself attending church on Friday morning after praying for Saad Abdul-Salaam to miss his penalty kick last night in the Timbers 7-6 MLS Playoffs victory over Sporting Kansas City.

"Fuck, am I a Unitarian now?"

"Fuck, am I a Unitarian now?"

Not only did Mr. Metrow promise to attend church but he also vowed to call his mother, something he had not done since the great Thanksgiving argument of 2006 where his mom, Debra, confessed that she was disappointed in his decision to major in Romanian Art Studies instead of business.

"Hi mom, I'm at church" said a sheepish Metrow who was convinced to make good on his promises that were widely unheard and completely without actual merit. "I guess I'm a Unitarian now. You can blame soccer."

Reportedly Mr Metrow's mother was disappointed in his attending a soccer game and called the vivid 30 minute description given by Mr Metrow, "an orgiastic carnal description of sinning against Jesus and God almighty as given by leftists and Bolivian anarchists bent on taking away jobs from good Americans who farm in Kansas." 

Mr Metrow has vowed that he will not call on the powers of Jesus or God again unless he really needs Darlington Nagbe to sink a goal in the 91st minute of the upcoming game against Vancouver.

"At least next time I'm going to try to make promises to Buddha." said Metrow.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Metrow attempts to square his own fanaticism for his soccer team with his core grounded atheism.