LOS ANGELES - Steven Gerrard, former Liverpool player, sometime pundit, and roster corpse for the LA Galaxy, admitted that he was actually unaware that moving to Major League Soccer (MLS) meant he would actually have to play soccer for a living.
"They told me this was a retirement league, not a league filled with shit referees, artificial turf and distances the equivalent of flying from London to Moscow." said a perturbed Gerrard to his agent on Monday morning. "If I wanted to actually play this season I would have moved to Italy. Instead, now I'm expected to run around and try to play when I really just want to fly back to the BT Sports booth and make pithy comments like Jamie gets to do next to Thierry Henry."
Gerrard was apparently shocked to find out that it gets to be 110 degrees in Dallas, that Seattle has rain and terrible turf and that no one in Colorado even knows that their team exists.
"I tried to call David but he told me to figure it out on my own." said Mr Gerrard to our reporter on Monday. "It's like moving from a club where I was a demi-god to a different club that is used to winning every year means that I lost all the possible cachet that I had available to deflect attention away from my declining play. Hell, I'm glad the season is over. Now I just get to hang around on the beach and set myself up for my retirement tour next season."
While Gerrard can be assured that his place in Liverpool history will never slip, his ability to weather the storm in Los Angeles is still up for grabs.
"There's always a time for a retirement rejuvenation" said Gerrard.
The Nutmeg News will have more information on this situation when Bruce Arena starts replacing Gerrard with players from LA 2.