Whitecaps Fan Stranded After Failed Cascadian Secession

Blaine, Washington - James Whitmore, a Vancouver B.C. resident, found himself trapped on the American side of the border after realizing he had burned his passport due to a drastic misunderstanding.

 VIVE LA REVOLUTION, BUT ONLY IF IT SUCCEEDS BECAUSE LORD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK ON THE US SIDE OF THE BORDER.

VIVE LA REVOLUTION, BUT ONLY IF IT SUCCEEDS BECAUSE LORD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK ON THE US SIDE OF THE BORDER.

“Oh, you know how it is when you mix weed and beer?” says Mr. Whitmore, “With pot being legal all the way from Vancouver to Portland we ended up smoking all the way down. We even had to stop at a few dispensaries along the way to stock back up. Then we get to Portland and we start hitting some beers because everything is so cheap here compared to Vancouver. Did you know you can get a beer in Portland for under 5 dollars, even good beer and not that Molson shit? I knocked back five without really thinking about it then headed into their stadium.”

It was at this point that Whitmore stopped consuming alcohol and marijuana but had forgotten about some potent edibles he had consumed somewhere outside of Vancouver, Washington. Enough time had passed that the edibles began to take effect.

“I was standing there and I’m just stoned out of my gourd waiting for the game to start. I looked across the stadium to the Timbers Army and I see a bunch of Cascadia flags being waved. I became transfixed and sort of hypnotized by the movements. Then I see this giant one up get raised up on the main stage. It was like thirty feet tall, you know? I thought this was the signal that the Cascadian secession had begun. It became very clear to me that the revolution was at hand. We were to seize the grounds, take the stadium, win the game, and then march on the heads of state. That this was the time to seize our new Cascadian country from the hands of the despots and Justin Trudeau who I voted for because really he represents a lot of the social contract that went missing when we elected Harper into position.”

The Cascadian flag, a green, white, blue flag with a doug fir in the middle, represents a secession movement for a bioregion reaching from Oregon up through Canada.

“I started waving my Cascadian flag like crazy,” Whitmore continues, “and I’m yelling ‘free Cascadia’ at the top of my lungs. I kind of blacked out around then but my friend Mitch says that I then took out my passport and set fire to it. I didn’t even realize it until we got back to the Canadian border and I didn’t have my passport anywhere.”

Whitmore is currently staying in Blaine, Washington awaiting a replacement passport.

“I’m probably going to lose my job as I was supposed to be at work at eight today, but oh well.  The main problem is that I have a severe issue with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and if I go to the hospital here in the United States I'm completely screwed. I don't really know what to do so the revolution needs to either come right now, or I need someone to express mail me a passport. I'm not claiming asylum here. Why would I want to leave right before Harper is out?

Since there’s nothing else to do I’m spending most of my time in the Evergreen Cannabis dispensary. I’m going to need to get really stoned next week since it will be winner take all.”