FC Edmonton Sponsors "Full Monty Night"

Edmonton, AB - After the behavior of some of their fans lent themselves to a bare-assed approach to supporting their team, FC Edmonton decided to play along by having a "Full Monty" night for their home game against the New York Cosmos on September 27th. 

This is what I think about about Calgary!

The Eddies front office claim that the first 100 naked people in the stadium will get free entry, an FC Edmonton branded genital shield and an embroidered robe for their walk back to the car.

"We believe in the free expression of everyone's bodies" said General Manager and really cool dude about nudity, Rod Proudfoot "It's important for everyone to be comfortable in their skin, even if that skin is really pasty. We certainly hope that we end up with a crowd of reasonably fit nude fellas and ladies that will support FC Edmonton. However, we want to say NO LOOKY LOOS. You come here to get nude and cheer for our boys or you can get out!"

While some say that supporting a team naked has nothing to do with the team itself, the bare assed men of FC Edmonton say different. Supporter Kevin McSweeny said the following, "When we have nothing on, we have given everything to the team. I don't think it is important for the team to see my junk nuggets, but I do think it is important for the team to understand that I will SHOW my John Thomas for the team. I'm talking about my cock, of course."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

"It was all a dream, I don't support a soccer team!" says fan at Gillette Stadium

Foxborough, MA - "I...feel... maybe.. Oh.. I don't know..... I feel like I might have been here before," said Jessica Halvorson as she walked into Gillette Stadium to watch the New England Patriots kick off their 2015/16 National Football League (NFL) season against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

"I have this feeling like I remember the stadium, but it was a quarter full and you could hear the echo of the crowd bouncing off the stadium back to you. That can't be me, though. I'm an NFL fan!"

After a lengthy investigation, The Nutmeg News was able to independently confirm that Ms. Halvorson and her two boys purchased season tickets to the 2015 New England Revolution season.

"This... THIS is America" said Ms. Halvorson while walking the concourses of Gillette in her custom Tom Brady uniform. "The fireworks, the full stadium, the people cheering for a head caving hit that results from a pass thrown across the middle of the field. We need blood in our game. We need grit in our game. We need our carnal Roman side to be awakened by gladiators in poorly fitting pants hitting each other in the head until they fall down exhausted. We need men that stick their body on the line every play even with the possibility of brain damage. That ever present threat of long term injury combined with long passes down the field to wide receivers is what gives this game the presence of the American Dream! In one second you might be a multi-millionaire, in the next second you might be a vegetable!"

The Nutmeg News was able to verify that in June of 2015 Ms. Halvorson posted the following on her facebook page.

"Had a ton of fun with the boys at the Revolution game!"

Then in July of 2015 Ms. Halvorson posted the following with a 35 picture gallery.

"Another great day to watch the Revs play! The boys got their picture taken with Jermaine Jones!! #NETID I love this game!"

Then in August of 2015 Ms Halvorson posted the following statement with a 2 picture gallery.

"My friends and family at the Revs game! Love them all! Go Revs!"

When The Nutmeg News asked Ms. Halvorson where her sons were on Thursday night she said, "I don't bring them to NFL games! It's way, way too expensive. Plus there are usually drunken fights. No, this scene isn't for kids. It cost me so much money just to get in the door that to bring my sons I would have to take out a personal loan. The boys are over at my sisters house. I dropped them off with their PS4 console so they could play FIFA 15."

While Ms. Halvorson desperately cheered for Tom Brady and the rest of the Patriots she spoke once more, "Maybe it was all a dream. I don't support a soccer team. That's it. It was all a dream. LET'S GO PATRIOTS!"

North American Soccer Referees Admit, "Yes, We Hate Your Team"

North American soccer Referees today admitted, "Yes, we hate your team" when asked about discrepancies in their calls over the past 5 months.

"We hate your team, yes your team. Every time we referee against your team it is a grand conspiracy to find a way to screw your team out of three points. What we do (or don't do) on a game by game basis couldn't be chalked up to incompetence, poor training or the inability of people to see all things at all times. No, it is pure forethought and malice. The night before your team plays we talk about how we are going to screw your team out of a win or draw.

We talk about calling fouls against the player that you like but also not calling fouls suffered against the player you like. I tell the fourth official to miss a few offside calls so that it will let that player you hate in to have a few one-on-one opportunities to score. If you somehow like both teams in the match rest assured that we hate both teams, but it can be guaranteed that whichever of the two teams you like more, we hate that much more. I mean if somehow you love New York and Philadelphia, we are going to ensure that the game is an un-watchable mess. 

We also hate your coach. We would love nothing more than to get him sent off. We also hate you. Mostly we hate the players and the game, which is why we are professionals in a profession which is met with nearly universal hatred, disdain and continual unrelenting pressure. 

I mean, who doesn't want to be the mediator in a free-form art piece filled with the fittest players in the world who will do literally anything to deceive you and win, including biting players, faking injuries, intentionally injuring players, talking trash and trying to intimidate us physically. We are talking about players who can run through a wall and are continually playing on edge, so it naturally makes sense that we would conspire against them so that your day is ruined. Naturally part of YOUR day job is running a field repeatedly in the middle of 22 players while trying to mediate a dispute by using law of the game interpretations that are basically complete judgment calls while a play happens in a split second that will determine a championship and the sweat just so happened to be in your eye at that exact time. No? Well this is why we conspire against your team. 

Collectively, we the Referees of North America hope that your team loses this weekend."

Don Garber Revises Comments, "MLS Will Be A Top League Some Time Before The Sun Explodes"

Manchester, England - Prognosticator and resident futurist Don Garber has revised his "MLS will be a top league by 2020" comment to read "Major League Soccer (MLS) will be a top league some time before the Sun explodes."

Gaber spoke before a sparsely attended panel at the Soccerex convention gladhanding and dick measuring contest in Manchester.

"Of course we believe that Major League Soccer may be a top league in the next 20 years, but it could also be a top league in the next 400 years. I mean, time is a funny thing. It may be that my 5 years could be a theoretical 50 years, or possibly even 4000 years." said Garber on Tuesday evening.

"One thing that I can promise is that before the earth descends into anarchy and the slow scorch of the sun explodes irradiating our atmosphere into a deadly poison that drives us below ground while the human race slowly extinguishes like a lit match that your uncle uses to light a pipe..... MLS will be a top league. Now what that 'top' looks like we haven't defined yet. I mean, we could be talking about alphabetically. There might be other leagues that have changed their name and Major League Soccer could change our name to All-Star League Soccer. That would put us nearly first in the entire world listing of leagues, proving that we are the dominant league in North America via metrics of alphabetical listing despite our competitive build."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Garber how he plans on making the league profitable and the Commissioner had the following response, "With Money."

The Nutmeg News will have more on comments from MLS executives during Soccerex.

Is Betteridge's Law Of Headlines A Known Factor For Soccer Journalists?

Betterridge's law of headlines (the idea that any headline that ends with a question is automatically answered with a "no") has apparently not been made known to soccer writers the world over as they continue to pump out articles where the basic premise is faulty.

"When we know that the basic premise of an idea for an article is complete bullshit and we don't want the research or facts to interfere with the overarching premise, the basic excuse is to use a headline with a question in it" said USA Today soccer reporter and global Wiener Dog Race correspondent Davidson James. "It's like when I wrote an article that said 'Can NYCFC win MLS Cup this year?' I knew the basic premise was bullshit, but I wrote the piece anyway. Deadlines are a hell of a thing."

ANSWER: NO.

Even veteran reporters are capable of submitting tripe wrapped in a question mark headline as 17 year veteran reporter Steven Gotschalk admitted to The Nutmeg News, "Sometimes I'm just tired and that's how it works. I need to pass off a poorly researched and barely thought out column because I couldn't come up with something else. I wrote 'Could Ronaldo come to Major League Soccer this season?' on three hours of sleep after the birth of my second child. I wrote 'Is Mehdi Ballouchy the best player in Major League Soccer?' after I attended my brothers bachelor party and I was just too hung over to properly get a column out. I wrote 'Is Raleigh the new world soccer hotbed?' on a dare to see if it would even get published."

ANSWER: DECIDEDLY NO.

While veteran soccer writers have the ability to slip into cliche, the practice is enforced as a matter of principle at some websites, "We don't enforce many things but we do require roughly 1 out of every 5 stories to have a theoretical for our rookie reporters. This way it encourages them to think outside of the box and really come up with some bizarre ideas even though likely they aren't going to happen." said one anonymous editor-in-chief. 

Will The Nutmeg News have more on this later? 

Likely, no.

Jason Kreis Confirms, "I'm Not Mad, I'm Just Disappointed"

NEW YORK - Head coach of New York City FC, Jason Kreis, has said that he isn't mad at his team.... he is just disappointed in an exclusive interview with The Nutmeg News on Tuesday.

That's IT, I'm turning this team around and we are going home. No one gets to go to Disney World this year. I'm serious about this.  DON'T PUSH ME, I'll turn this right around! God In Heaven, I'm going to drive this team off a cliff!

"It's disappointing really. I asked Andrea and Frank to show up prepared for our road trip and our recent games and they weren't ready. They spent the whole time talking about playing Guess Who in the van ride to the airport and neither of them went to the potty when they needed to go. I mean the airport alone was a complete disaster. Mix was running all over the place with crayons in his mouth, Poku was standing in a corner very upset that the other kids wouldn't let him play. Honestly, It's a wonder that I haven't gone for a pack of cigarettes and not come back in the last few months. Look, It's like I told Frank when he came back from summer vacation and I could smell the celebration alcohol on his breath. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."

Kreis reportedly said that he wanted to spend more time with the management staff from Manchester City so that he could remember what it was like to be in a loving relationship without, "All these pesky little shits that can't dribble a ball and stop someone from scoring to save their lives."

The Nutmeg News found out that Kreis is dreading a planned summer vacation to Havasu with the team in 2016. 

"It's going to be awful. Someone is going to forget their cleats, another player is going to get lost on the golf course, Mix and Shay are already planning on trying to do cannonballs off the dock. Its impossible to get these guys in a line. I just want to find a way out of this dire, loveless marriage before I end up chain smoking Pall Malls and drinking my way into a job with Exeter City."

Executive Admits, "I Use NFL Analogies Because I Don't Really Understand Soccer"

A prominent US Soccer executive has admitted to The Nutmeg News that he frequently uses other sports as the basis for his analogies when explaining elements of soccer because he doesn't actually understand the game.

"Look, I'm part of an ownership team and a management team in this league but I didn't really intend to be in soccer. My knowledge of the game is very low so I tend to frame things using analogies from other sports, most specifically the NFL. The other day I couldn't figure out why we aren't able to score so I just told the boys to 'punch it in there like Emmitt Smith would'. Man that confused the everloving hell out of our South American imports. The other day some of our fans were wrong by criticizing our coaching staff, but I just had to tell them, 'Gregg Popovich wouldn't conduct business this way' because I didn't know a coaching alternative in the soccer world to use as an example. I don't know, is there even a Gregg Popovich type coach or even a Jim Mora type in the soccer world?"

When asked if he would take the time to understand the game for the team he owns, this anonymous person said, "Well, I'm going through some courses with a few ex-players, our technical director and I'm reading some things on line. But y'know I'm just more comfortable talking about hard nosed players like Bear Bryant had rather than players that Steve Busby had, plus I don't want to get on a rant here but who is really able to absorb all the years of history in the game of soccer overnight. I still prefer watching baseball to this game....

.

.

Um, could you edit what I said earlier? I meant Matt... Matt Busby. There's just so much to learn."

The Nutmeg News asked about the style that this executive teams are playing and he had the following to say, "Well we blend the up-tempo Patriots style, with Peyton Mannnings no-huddle sensibilities and the defense of the late 90's Tampa Bay Buccaneers with the frenetic ruggedness of Iverson's 76ers teams. We really think it will make an impact!"

"Promotion and Relegation" Twitter Game Frightens Parents

Parents across the continent are reporting concern at a new game enthralling young and old alike. The new game is called "Promotion and Relegation" and it has created such a scare that people are now warning those in control of their twitter accounts to not seek the thrill.

"We went down to a basement deep in the earth," said 35 year old nursing student and LA Galaxy fan Shonda Evans. "We faced a mirror and typed PROMOTION AND RELEGATION into our twitter accounts and hit send. A red glow emanated from the screen as the battery on our cellphone overheated with a barrage of insane replies, arguing and bickering. The heat and smoke were immense. Immediately we were faced with a veritable brigade of walking undead twitter accounts sent to feast upon our twitter feed. There was a low rumbling and my mentions were filled with TED. I felt an immense twinge of panic.  The audible words 'TED TED TED TED TED TED' became apparent and the red glow became more intense. TED TED TED continued and it came from deep down as though it wasn't even coming from my cell phone. The whole thing was terrifying. Out of the 10 friends of mine that tried this, 8 of them ended up with locked down twitter accounts. I now regret this game and I want to warn everyone to not attempt such things, it will only lead to sadness. Praise Ted."

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION has long been a cult hit game on twitter. "Just a taste" is what the pushers on your child's street corner dispensing troll starter kits will say. However, now the game is breaking into the mainstream and families are getting involved.

"I introduced my father to soccer and now he just stars at a screen typing the words over and over again into his account. He doesn't even know what they mean, but he knows that sending them out gets him responses and he is very lonely since his dog passed away in June. Do not let you friends play this game!" said Junior Flores of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. 

Theo Cassabian of Myrtle Beach had a different story to share with The Nutmeg News as we met at Rioz Brazilian Steakhouse on 2920 Hollywood Drive to discuss this game.

"I started off a mild mannered accountant, but now I am an accountant that trolls from morning to noon on issues regarding financial independence and league alignment in soccer. I don't even know how to stop anymore. I just hear the call and troll. There is no enjoyment anymore, no land that will accept me. My wife just gave up on the game, my children are into interpretive dance. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, TED BE THY NAME. ALL THESE LEAGUES WILL PAY!" he said before sinking into a delicious slice of carefully prepared meat.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

TNN MAD LIBS: Become A Journalist, Create Your Very Own "MLS TO MY CITY" Idiotic Rumor Article

Editors Note: Here is a form that will allow you, the viewer, to create your very own city rumor that can be published in any of your local city newspapers. Just replace the items below with your own city/team information and voila! You are a SOCCER JOURNALIST!

YOUR CITY, YOUR STATE -  PRESIDENT/MAYOR of YOUR TOWN says HE/SHE's "very bullish" on YOUR CITY as a spot to possibly expand Major League Soccer, and TEAM OWNER operating manager of the TEAM IN YOUR GENERAL AREA, plans to meet with YOUR MAYOR/PRESIDENT next week to discuss HIS/HER leagues current situation and start talks on building a stadium specifically for soccer.

Currently, The YOUR TEAM has a five-year sub-lease from the YOUR GOVERNMENT to play home games at CITY FIELD THAT DOESN'T ALLOW BEER SALES, but TEAM OWNER says a lack of parking and concession revenues, along with limited sponsorship at the recreational fields, aren't ideal, FICTIONAL NEWS AGENCY reports.

TEAM OWNER also said it costs $5,000 per game to rent CITY FIELD, and with additional personnel costs that send the cost soaring above $20,000, it's "not a sustainable situation."

The league can end its five-year deal with no penalty if a new stadium is built, but that hinges specifically on convincing everyone in the city that using taxpayer money for something that is almost certainly not going to happen is a good idea.

The CURRENT LEAGUE ORGANIZATION has requested that its franchises build their own stadiums by 2020. TEAM OWNER envisions starting with a 9,000-seat facility, and with the MLS in mind, having the potential to expand it to 20,000 seats.

"QUOTE GOES HERE" - TEAM OWNER

YOUR CITY is also in a race against other cities that might build stadiums for their own teams but will never get an MLS franchise until their ownership has a billion dollars and all the trendy cities are flourishing, including JUST PICK THREE CITIES OUT OF A HAT, THEY AREN'T GETTING AN MLS TEAM ANYWAY.

"If one of them gets an MLS team, I doubt that another one does," TEAM OWNER said.

As FICTIONAL NEWS AGENCY never previously reported, a study that was conducted earlier this year showed that a Major League Soccer franchise has the most potential — out of any other professional sports franchises — to survive in YOUR CITY.

Could A New Soccer Stadium Bring MLS to Mackinaw City?

Mackinaw City, MI -  President  of the Village Council Robert Heilman  says he's "very bullish" on Mackinaw City as a spot to possibly expand Major League Soccer; and David Ortrea, operating manager of the Petoskey Youth Soccer Association, plans to meet with Heilman next week to discuss his leagues current situation and start talks on building a stadium specifically for soccer.

FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! 

Currently, The Petoskey Youth Soccer Association has a five-year sub-lease from the Petoskey city council to play home games at Petoskey Field, but Ortrea says a lack of parking and concession revenues, along with limited sponsorship at the recreational fields, aren't ideal, The Nutmeg News reports.

Ortrea also said it costs $5,000 per game to rent Petoskey Field, and with additional personnel costs that send the cost soaring above $20,000, it's "not a sustainable situation."

The league can end its five-year deal with no penalty if a new stadium is built, but that hinges specifically on convincing everyone in the city that using taxpayer money for something that is almost certainly not going to happen is a good idea.

The American Youth Soccer Organization has requested that its franchises build their own stadiums by 2020. Ortrea envisions starting with a 9,000-seat facility, and with the MLS in mind, having the potential to expand it to 20,000 seats.

"We gotta get some more money made off these little soccer hellions before they move on to work in our nation's fast food restaurants. Also, who doesn't want an MLS Franchise in Mackinaw City. Instead of sending our northern Michigan products to work for Taco Bell, we could send them to play for the Mackinaw City Fudge Lovers FC. GO FUDGE LOVERS FC!" - David Ortrea

Mackinaw City is also in a race against other cities that might build stadiums for their own teams but will never get an MLS franchise until their ownership has a billion dollars and all the trendy cities are flourishing, including Indianapolis, Cincinnati and St. Louis.

"If one of them gets an MLS team, I doubt that another one does," Ortrea said.

As The Nutmeg News never previously reported, a study that was conducted earlier this year showed that a Major League Soccer franchise has the most potential — out of any other professional sports franchises — to survive in Mackinaw City.

With Only 8 Games Left, Blogger Comes Up With Increasingly Bizarre Ideas For Struggling Team

Denver, CO - Blogger Isaac Travian refuses to give up on the Colorado Rapids season despite the poor performance of the team over the past 26 games. 

"All we need is a shift to a 8 man forward system where we play two at the back as a security measure and we will make the playoffs" said Mr Travian.

"I know that over the season the Rapids managed to score less than a goal a game over the course of the 2015 season, and I know that this has been the case now for 26 straight games. I also know that there is almost no chance that any of this is going to change because if they didn't fix it in the first 26 games they likely aren't going to fix anything in the next 8 games. However, I think if the team ran an 8 forward system with the staggering along the back line and the two centerbacks playing as deep lying playmakers there to just intercept and lob the ball up top that we might be able to find a way to make the playoffs."

Mr Travian stated that he also wants to have the keeper join in as a different option for attack. "They are really under utilized just sitting back there doing nothing. So I want to see Irwin push forward and get into the midfield. He can offer the link between the defense and my 8 forward system."

While Mr Travian admitted that he doesn't believe the front office will implement his new style of play, he says that they should. 

"This is a new age, a new methodology. We can be the best team in MLS. So what if we have already played one specific way with specific results for the entirety of the season. There has to be a way that we can move forward and win with this roster. I mean our struggles couldn't be that we just don't have very good players, that's impossible. I know we have great players because they are all so approachable and nice off the field! We just gotta find a way to win! Maybe we could even involved a 9 forward formation. Think about it! They only ever have two centerbacks! Nine forwards would overrun the whole team!"

Intern Tuesday: Oh. My. God. Klopas was fired OVER THE PHONE

The Nutmeg News allows interns to write stories as a way to give them an opportunity for success as well as give us a break to play FIFA. This article was written by fifteen year old Becky Goodhaven and has not been edited in any way. -The Nutmeg News

O
M
G

Did you hear what Montreal Impact's Joey Saputo told Nick De Santis to do to their coach Frank Klopas? Yeah they fired him, duh! We all knew that. But get this, did you hear HOW they did it? No? Ohmygod You are not going to believe this.

Ok, so I heard from Emily who heard from Tracie who talked to Amanda who says her dad read a sports blog that says De Santis fired him OVER THE PHONE.

I know I know I know right? Drama!!

They've been together two years and he couldn't even meet him like after practice by his locker or something. I mean when Chris and I were dating (Chris is the really cute guy on the basketball team who is really into old rock bands like Nirvana) anyway, when we were dating he got mad because I wouldn't ever give him a bj because I wanted to take things slow and because, ew, right? Ok, anyway, when HE decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore he met me outside my class after third period and was like "Um, I don't want to date anymore." And then I told him he's just a giant perv and that he has a lot to learn and that his music sucks and that his hair is stupid.  But at least he was man enough to come talk to me in person. By the way, Chris, I would totally take you back if you want, you're music isn't stupid and you're totally hawt please don't date Stacy she's a skank and has given like a thousand handjobs and you'll probably catch the clap.

Anyway. So De Santis is totally like Chris, right? Klopas isn't putting out for him or something but he's like totally scared to talk to him face to face because he'll probably see his abs and be like OHMUHGAWD and just like totally not fire him because of his hot bod. It would have been better if De Santis at least got one of his friends to go to Klopas and talk to his face and break up for him, but even that is a pretty shitty thing to do and I'd still be pissed.

I even heard that De Santis and Saputo totally unfriended Klopas on his Facebook, Instagram, AND Twitter the night before they fired him. I mean, whoah, right? How did he not see this coming. I guess Klopas either didn't get the hint or else his phone was dead and he didn't check in or something, but still Saputo was totally trying to avoid talking to him. LAME.

So to summarize, my yearbook class says that each story has to have the five w's: who, what, when where, and why.

Who: Saputo and De Santis and Klopas
What: Klopas was fired
When: A couple days ago or something?
Where: OVER THE PHONE
Why: Because Joey Saputo is totally in love with Klopas and was like there's no way he can talk to him in person because it'd be way to hard to break up with him if I had to look at him and his awesome hair and plus he's probably wearing that shirt that he really likes but he won't let him borrow it and his dad has a really awesome car that they were going to use to go to prom this year and all his friends are super jealous of him and Chris please take me back, you can post a comment to this story and I'll totally call you. Please don't date Stacy, I hate her.

Daniel Sturridge Celebrates 26th Birthday By Straining Calf 26 Times

Liverpool, England - Liverpool Football Club player and persistently injured medical test patient Daniel Sturridge today celebrated his 26th birthday by straining his calf 26 times and being carried of the field.

"I wanted to celebrate my birthday in a very realistic way," said Sturridge "So I did some long stretches and ran out onto the practice field to play. I then strained for an over hit pass, felt my calf go, felt my hamstrings implode and fell to the ground awaiting the stretcher off the field. Once the medical staff came to get me, they took me to the tent, gave me some cake, rubbed some horse placenta on my feet and then sang Happy Birthday to me. It was great."

"Some people want to bike a kilometer for each year of their life, or buy an extravagant gift. I just wanted to celebrate by straining my calf the same number of years that I've been alive. It was tough to pull off but we did it!"

While Sturridge may be facing another long layoff on the sideline he isn't bitter about this possibility.

"Look, I get paid no matter what. Also, you guys get to figure out if Rodgers is staying or going. By the time I get back on the field we may have a new coach. Good luck with all that stuff. In the mean time I'm going to get back to playing video games and running on a zero gravity treadmill, when they give me the OK for physical activity again."

Orlando City SC To Host Ashley Madison Night

Orlando, FL - In light of recent promotions like the Vancouver Whitecaps Tinder Night, Orlando City SC announced that they will be hosting an Ashley Madison night for their match against the Montreal Impact on October 3rd.

Ashley Madison, the infamous extramarital affairs website, was recently hacked and the data of the customers that belong to it was released to the world. This gave Orlando City the idea of hosting an international nod to infidelity.

Orlando City SC public relations manager Jim Duchesnse had the following to say, "With the recent data leak of Ashely Madison customers we now know that your infidelity is exposed. So why not be out with it at an Orlando City game. The tickets will be buy two get one free and will allow you to move sections between your wife and your illicit lover that we will station in a section away from you but still close enough so that you can steal longing glances at one another across the heaving, sweaty, bellowing body of a Bud Light vendor."

Yes, there's even a celebrity option as well, Mr Harkes.

According to the press release from Orlando City, ushers will distract your spouse as you flit away to pretend like everything is ok in your life while you ritualistically sever the belief in humanity that your husband/wife has at that particular time. Also available is the "Kids Romper Room" which introduces your children to her children in a way that doesn't let them know that you are considering leaving one for the other until that one late night in August where your wife listened to you talk about your old football days and didn't laugh and you shared a long kiss while remembering what it was like to be 18 again. Ahhhhhh, love.

Orlando City SC said, "While we may disagree with infidelity, if we didn't step out on Austin we wouldn't even be here right now, so this only makes sense to us!"

TNN Art Corner: Pastiche Of 2014 Revolution Tifo Attempts To Lends Gravitas To Sounders Tifo

NEW YORK - With the Seattle Sounders tifo team creating a display that resembled the New England Revolution fan's JAWS/REVS tifo from 2014, The Nutmeg News turned to New York City Art Critic Donalda Bristane to illuminate their attempt at a stadium installation in popular poster art.

Man, I just don't get art. Isn't this the two different views of the same thing?

 "The disparate lines give a truth to the melange of paint lending a pop sensibility to the pastiche of twenty-first century Revolution Fan style" said Ms Bristane after viewing the two banners. 

"What we have here are two poster art re-creation paintings that attempt to play on the pop sensation JAWS. They both attempt to convey a message of imminent doom for the opposition. Of course we must recognize that New England were first at using this particular methodology where the designer and painter pastiched the Jaws poster. What Seattle has attempted to do is lend gravitas to the copy of the copy of the original movie poster by taking a concept and then attempting to improve upon it. 

My reservation as an art critic in this medium is that what we see here is a copy of a copy of an original. So we must take a step back and decide whether this is a copy of a copy of a copy or whether this is just a copy of the original. That is, of course, in the eye of the beholder. Sadly for the artist in this case, primacy is everything. A million people have painted sunflowers since Van Gogh, but he brought them into the light with technique at that time. So, thusly, the Sounder tifo must be said as being derivative." 

When asked for her feeling on the impression that the Sounders tifo gave to her, Ms Bristane was blunt, " I haven't been this disappointed since Bjarne Melgaard’s 'The casual pleasure of disappointment' installation. I was left cold and wanting, like a slow rolling wave that creeps ever inward soaking the desolate parts of my soul. I give full marks to the artist for effort, however I do hope to see original works from all stadium installations in the future."

NWSL Players Excited For The End Of The 2015 Season, "Finally, I can make some money!"

Many National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) players have stated that they are happy that the end of the season is arriving so they can finally leave the league and make some real money.

The Nutmeg News spoke with some players on the condition of anonymity and this is what they had to say, "I mean, we all like playing for 7,000 a year and living with host families and relying on the team to provide everything since we don't have enough money to even afford a simple apartment, but I'm happy that the season is over so that I can start working at the grocery store bagging groceries and make a real income for a few months. The truth of the matter is that I have to work my ass off during the off season in order to save up enough money to keep my soccer career going."

Another anonymous player said the following, "I don't have any savings, and in another week I won't have any health insurance or coverage from the team. So I don't really know what to do. I mean, I'm glad that I can get a job at McDonalds that pays me more than what I was making to play 'professional' soccer but I've broke up with my girlfriend since I'll likely be traded in the off season and I don't want to try to sustain a relationship when I have no money, no way to afford an apartment and no chance of staying in the city that in which I'm currently playing. I am just going to move back in with my parents, again.... for the third  time."

Another player stated, "I suppose it is great that the USWNT players are all making over 300k, because at 29 years old I am losing that dream of having the chance of actually getting called up to make that big pay day. At this point, I'm just getting tired of grinding every day for absolutely nothing. We had to play every single game they were gone and they come back and don't want to play because they are tired? I'm just tired of not being able to afford peanut butter. I'm probably just going to try to get a club overseas and if that doesn't happen I'm retiring. I can coach soccer at a high school and make more money than this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues.

Is The Taser Attack On A Fan At An NYCFC Game Proof Soccer Has Made It?

NEW YORK - A video circulating around the Internet over the weekend showing a NYCFC fan being tased by police at Yankee Stadium has been lauded by fans across the world as showing that Americans are finally getting soccer

"Now they realize that getting tased by the police for showing up to a soccer game is an integral part of the match day experience" said Miroslav Gaborik from Moscow, Russia. 

"Brave fellow standing up for his comrades like that and receiving the bulk force of the police. This is why we do not cooperate with the police" said Dmitri Sverdak from Belgrade, Serbia

"This is why we fight the police. This is why we go to the game. For the team and to fight." said Joao Portillo from Sao Paulo, Brazil

The Nutmeg News was on the ground at NYCFC versus Crew to conduct interviews and we were able to find out that the reason the fan was being tased had nothing to do with soccer. The fan was reportedly in the area of the police when he said "Derek Jeter sucks". This breach in protocol required the Police officer to repeatedly stun him with a taser as per the rules set forth for conduct in Yankee Stadium.

The fan in question was required to perform retribution to the fans he offended by his critical comments and was forced to watch the rest of the NYCFC game as punishment for his grave error.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

RBNY Fan 100% Sure That He Hates DC United, He Just Can't Remember Why

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Brandon Hoegarden is absolutely certain that he hates DC United, but he just can't remember specifically why.

"Look, I know I don't like them. That we are certain. And there's been a lot of irritants of the past seasons, and reasons why any man could dislike, but I honestly can't remember the specific reason why this is the case." said Mr Hoegarden to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I don't like their kits, sure. I don't like where they are from, sure. But none of this added up to hate. Maybe it was my ex-girlfriend or something in the past that converted me from relatively apathetic to DC United to full blown hate, but somewhere in the last 20 season it just blossomed."

Mr Hoegarden's current wife, Sandra, said that as long as she has known him, Brandon has been confused and yet positive in his feelings about this game.

"I asked him once if maybe he was actually a DC United Fan with latent desires related to that club, but he was certain that wasn't the case. No, he said that he authentically dislikes DC United at a very specific level even if he can't remember what level that is."

The Nutmeg News spent 20 minutes trying to jolt Mr Hoegarden's memory regarding the different issues between DC and RBNY but that only served to confused him even further. 

"Look, of COURSE I dislike them because of the 2012 playoff series and that stupid Kenny Cooper penalty kick. Of COURSE I dislike them because Eskandarian exists, but I still can't remember when it morphed into hate. I mean, it is very possible that it might just be the formation of Heineken Rivalry Week that set up this hatred.  However, it could also be because of the 20 seasons of history between the two teams that slowly and efficiently built our rivalry into something that represents a white hot flame of disgust and hatred. Probably the Heineken though."

Man Swears That LAFC Exists

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Jonas Bravo recently announced to his friends that LAFC really exists despite all evidence to the opposite.

No, Mulder. There really isn't a public relations cabal dedicated to finding the authenticity of a club that doesn't exist.

Bravo's friends told him that his obsession with a club that doesn't exist is bordering on paranoid, but Bravo believes. 

"I've told them this is going to happen. The name of the club will be A.C. Los Angeles Football Club United FC and they will see. I've taken pictures, I have witnesses. There's a twitter account, I mean granted it's an old twitter account but YOU CANT FAKE THIS. I still want to believe. We are only months away from a stadium announcement. I'm telling you, this is happening. I mean why would it be fake... WHY? YOU TELL ME WHY?"

Despite his increasing protestations, Bravo has yet to see a schedule, game or stadium that make it look like this organization exists. While his insistence is purely on promotional photographs and videos, he admits that this is tough information to go on.

We spoke with Mr. Bravo's friend Mary Yaznes about his new obsession and she had the following to say. 

"It's a problem for everyone in his group of friends, now. He spends most of his time building dioramas of a stadium that doesn't exist and he keeps on talking about the beginning times and first kick. It's really unhealthy."

TNN asked Mr Bravo when he thought the "beginning times" were coming and he responded.

"GARBER WILL ILLUMINATE. He will tell all. It will likely arrive first in the form of a communique on twitter.  People will be shocked and possibly deny even then! Then there will be voices, and trumpets, and a hastily assembled dais with people who don't speak. IT WILL COME. YOU WILL ALL SEE. LAFC EXISTS! THEY DO!"

The Nutmeg News Announce NUT-CON, A Parody Of A Convention

The Nutmeg News are proud to announce NUT-CON, a parody of a convention. The Nutmeg News feels like this time in American soccer is a time to really cash in on the wallets of the supporters that so willingly give their money away to things like MLS Live which is never usable when you actually want to watch a specific game.

The Nutmeg News have decided that we will set ourselves up at the luxurious and spacious ballroom at the Carter Hotel in downtown Manhattan. We will be offering multiple non-discounted options for accommodation including bed bug ridden, disease ridden, and formerly used  as an opium den with the possibility of a used condom on the floor under the bed. The ballroom will be resplendently decorated with multiple paper hats available for great friends of the Nut (available for purchase). We do expect that our fans of the Nut will understand that the further you travel and the more money that you spend with our organization the greater fan you can call yourself. Those from Manhattan that are visiting are expected to tithe appropriately due to their sin of being local and attending. The correct donation will be at least $100 to avoid the shame of admitting that you didn't travel cross country for this shit show.

Tickets to NUT-CON will be $400 at the door, the proceeds of which will be donated directly to our organization through a shell company set up to make it look like a charitable process and NUT-CON will span three days.

Speakers available for Day 1 will be Clifton Pantheous, a man that we found on the street who once found some blow for a guy that looked like Shep Messing but definitely wasn't him. As well, we will have Roger Gooding, the foremost expert on transitive properties and the ability of "claiming a victory over European dominance by extension of a friendly victory against a weakened side still in the middle of obtaining their fitness during the pre-season tour". As well we promise to have a round panel on derivative NPSL supporters songs and whether one man is enough to be considered a supporters group.

Day two will include such panels as "Internet Trolling and you, the fine art of acting like a complete ass", there will also be "Soccer Puns and Jokes: what you should be aware of in your fan group in order to look in the know". TNN will present "Acronyms and You: how to know when you are being told to fuck off". There will be a three hour seminar on trolling European fans of a team during the transfer window regarding purchases of players that they think they need. As well, we will offer a class on "How to get yourself on television with Rachel Bonetta without looking too drunk while you are doing it."

Day Three will include a textbook example of how to use Emoji's and Animated GIF's to maintain a professional work experience while appealing to adderall injected internet scenesters who will totally follow your twitter account because of a well timed Xzibit gif.  As an added bonus, during day three we will berate you belligerently with statistics from the 1938 Hungarian national team with those getting questions wrong having to decide between 10 lashes of the bullwhip and reading Soccernomics aloud to a collection of snarky internet trolls.

The Nutmeg News will likely have more (or less) on this convention as it doesn't happen.