The Nutmeg News are proud to announce NUT-CON, a parody of a convention. The Nutmeg News feels like this time in American soccer is a time to really cash in on the wallets of the supporters that so willingly give their money away to things like MLS Live which is never usable when you actually want to watch a specific game.
The Nutmeg News have decided that we will set ourselves up at the luxurious and spacious ballroom at the Carter Hotel in downtown Manhattan. We will be offering multiple non-discounted options for accommodation including bed bug ridden, disease ridden, and formerly used as an opium den with the possibility of a used condom on the floor under the bed. The ballroom will be resplendently decorated with multiple paper hats available for great friends of the Nut (available for purchase). We do expect that our fans of the Nut will understand that the further you travel and the more money that you spend with our organization the greater fan you can call yourself. Those from Manhattan that are visiting are expected to tithe appropriately due to their sin of being local and attending. The correct donation will be at least $100 to avoid the shame of admitting that you didn't travel cross country for this shit show.
Tickets to NUT-CON will be $400 at the door, the proceeds of which will be donated directly to our organization through a shell company set up to make it look like a charitable process and NUT-CON will span three days.
Speakers available for Day 1 will be Clifton Pantheous, a man that we found on the street who once found some blow for a guy that looked like Shep Messing but definitely wasn't him. As well, we will have Roger Gooding, the foremost expert on transitive properties and the ability of "claiming a victory over European dominance by extension of a friendly victory against a weakened side still in the middle of obtaining their fitness during the pre-season tour". As well we promise to have a round panel on derivative NPSL supporters songs and whether one man is enough to be considered a supporters group.
Day two will include such panels as "Internet Trolling and you, the fine art of acting like a complete ass", there will also be "Soccer Puns and Jokes: what you should be aware of in your fan group in order to look in the know". TNN will present "Acronyms and You: how to know when you are being told to fuck off". There will be a three hour seminar on trolling European fans of a team during the transfer window regarding purchases of players that they think they need. As well, we will offer a class on "How to get yourself on television with Rachel Bonetta without looking too drunk while you are doing it."
Day Three will include a textbook example of how to use Emoji's and Animated GIF's to maintain a professional work experience while appealing to adderall injected internet scenesters who will totally follow your twitter account because of a well timed Xzibit gif. As an added bonus, during day three we will berate you belligerently with statistics from the 1938 Hungarian national team with those getting questions wrong having to decide between 10 lashes of the bullwhip and reading Soccernomics aloud to a collection of snarky internet trolls.
The Nutmeg News will likely have more (or less) on this convention as it doesn't happen.