Portland, OR - Tired of using twitter to berate and insult his fanbase, Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson promised that he will expand into new technologies and old technologies to make his insults count.
"It's important to me to be on the forefront of new technology that allows me to tell the people who pay to watch my team play to fuck off and support someone else." said Paulson to a collection of technology enthusiasts on Thursday night.
"In the past I've relied solely on twitter and face to face interactions to belittle, abuse and shame fans of the Timbers that I disagree with. However, what I would like to do is branch out into other mediums. Imagine registering some dissent on a facebook page and then receiving a singing telegram that tells you to fuck off from me. Or possibly sky writing your stupidity over Beaverton about how you know absolutely nothing about soccer and that your voice means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of life. I've also invested money into a collection of drone's with ipad screens on them so that I personally can insult someone in either a pre-recorded message or via skype. This army of drones will allow me to deploy these in stadium to quell any dissent by signs or in game comments as they happen. Now you will know how little your hundreds of dollars season tickets mean to me in live time. Please renew, though."
While the Timbers owner has often been seen as being abrasive to those that offer dissent against his ideas, there are those that consider his methods refreshing.
"I always thought that he should tell more fans to go to hell" said reporter Jefferson Grant. "I mean, the Timbers fans are awful and should be shamed. Have they ever been given millions of dollars and then purchased a baseball team with the intention of going to Major League Baseball and then realized they had something else better and refocused their attention that way? No? THEN HOW WOULD THEY KNOW HOW TOUGH IT IS TO BUILD SOMETHING. This game is all about getting millions from your dad and watching The Big Green on Netflix to learn tactics."
The Nutmeg News reached out for comment. We were sent a message saying that our site was stupid and we knew nothing about satire.