Pioneers Of Equality: Hope Solo

Susan B Anthony, Alice Paul, Judy Goldsmith, Antoinette Brown Blackwell -- These women are all part of the equation for equality between the sexes. They were tireless pioneers who worked hard to create a greater opportunity for Women in the United States and part of the nationwide push for Women to be considered equal partners in the workplace and home.

Now society can add another name to that list of luminaries, a young woman born in Richland, Washington named Hope Amelia Solo. 

Much like Anthony, Paul, and Goldsmith before her, Solo decided to take a stand for equality by proving that privileged Women Athletes can be unmitigated, apoplectic, rage fueled assholes capable of smashing a 17 year old's head into the pavement repeatedly. This stand of Solo's combined with her use of the "Do you know who I am" trick to the police shows the common misogynist that a woman can be as much of a psychotic prick as a man and that they should be treated as equals to all the other psychotic pricks out there.

Solo's work for advancing the interests of the psychotic athlete in sport was not even contained to this one incident as Solo demonstrated a remarkable ability to screw her own teammates saying about Ella Masar "You have to have thick skin. I just don't think [Masar] had thick skin at all" regarding Masar suffering a collapsed left nostril after being kicked in the face and instead of being driven to the hospital by owner of magicJack (and complete dick), Dan Borislow, Masar was told that Borislow changed his mind and he drove her to dinner with "his' boys".

Solo has repeatedly demonstrated that her money, fame, notoriety, race and the love of a good PR team allows her to escape severe punishment and judgement in the same way as an equally famous, rich, white, attractive male athlete can escape severe punishment and judgement. A true statement of equality for the year 2015 could not be more apparent 

Fans were equally impressed with Solo's demonstration of equality in 2015,

"I used to think of women athletes as role models for young women, but now I realize they can be as close to a psychotic break as your average National Football League defensive lineman" said director of Information Technology for ITT, Stephen Gost.

TNN also spoke to Roberta Crist, who has an 11 year old daughter, about Solo's pioneering move.

"When I was growing up, I didn't have anyone to look up to for nearly homicidal off the field anger from a woman in sports. Sure there were crazies like Tonya Harding, but she didn't even execute the attack that made her famous. Hope Solo is proving to the new generation of women that being really famous and really wealthy can dramatically help you out if you decide to get loaded and beat up your sister and nephew. I could only wish to have a hero who taught such lessons. Not to mention Solo's courageous stance to play for Dan Borislow and magicJack where she decided to not speak out about Borislaw's sexual harassment. Or the time when she intentionally threw Briana Scurry and Greg Ryan under the bus in 2007."

The Nutmeg News will have more on trailblazing pioneer Hope Solo as she continues to make unbelievably idiotic decisions.

OPINION: "You Gonna Root For Another Team Other Than Team FREEDOM You Pinko Commie?"

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Dave Todai of Memphis, Tennessee. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Todai do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

To The Nutmeg's:

LET ME JUST START WITH THE FOLLOWING:

This is the greatest country in the world. This is the UNITED States of America, not the YOUnited States Of America. OK? So what's this nonsense I'm hearing about my god fearing and god loving citizens rooting for another country during the upcoming Women's World Cup.

You live in America, dumbass. Literally, figuratively and positively the greatest nation that has ever existed in the entire history of the world. We invented fire, the wheel and the double down sandwich. We have Alex Morgan and Abby Wambach. Who are you to decide you don't like them and you want to root for someone else. I'll tell you who you are. A Pinko Commie Loving Socialst Communist hell bent on instituting islamic rule by cooperating with known associates of Estes Kefauver. I bet you like American Football as well, that's a socialst league. American's love Baseball, Hotdogs, missionary position sexual congress and Abby Wambach heading in goals with the ferocity of a Bengal tiger. 

You can take your Canadian sympathies or your Spanish urges and tamp them on down with your four shot machiatto latte mocha's that aren't even fair trade. I'll keep drinking my Pabst Blue Ribbon and holding it down for the average american while watching Sydney Leroux. A woman Canadian so courageous that she left her own country cause it was totally shit for the game of soccer. Now THAT'S American.

You don't like Hope Solo? Well tough. Solo exemplifies everything great about America. She is the Tonya Harding of American Soccer except she hasn't won as much stuff. That woman will get her world cup medal while smoking a pack of kools and being arrested for punching a 15 year old kid because he spoke out on the save she should have made that "Briana Scurry could have made with her eyes shut"

Hell no people. You root for team freedom or you can leave MYmurica. You may hate nearly every person in the starting 11 for the UNITED States of America but you are still duty bound to suffer through the abrasive personalities and cultist following that these women engender.

Now THAT is my America.

Dave Todai

Memphis, Tennessee

"I'VE GOT OPINIONS" Shouts Blogger Into The Void

York, PA - Union blogger Kip Anderson wants everyone to know that he has opinions. Unfortunately, for him, no one cares.

"I've tried, believe me. I've started 4 blogs, two podcasts, I've guest written Union articles for a publication that turned out to be a front for sending out Nigerian scam emails. No one cares."

TNN Spoke with Union analysts about Kip and they had the following to say, "Who?"

Meanwhile, Kip continues producing his podcast from his home after he finishes his day job as a jr accounts analyst in charge of sales related human resources disputes and continues to distribute his podcast into the vapid ether known as the internet where people give zero shits about what he has to say.

"Someday I'll be a big deal" said Anderson. "Someday, I'll get  50 followers on twitter and I'll have more than 3 listeners! I just gotta stay with it and keep on annoying people until they realize that I've got something to say. What I say might be dramatically wrong, it might be completely false information, but if I say it with the zeal and passion of a Pentecostal preacher, eventually enough people will fall for it and then they will start to believe me."

Post FIFA, Blatter Plans To Run North American Supporters Group

Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter confirmed today that he has thought about his future life plans after stepping down from the FIFA presidency for massive corruption, financial improprieties and eating the pizza of Ex-Co members from the shared company fridge.

"I'm planning on running a Supporters Group in North America. Running a group as a non-profit? Limited financial oversight by people who are gainfully employed at jobs which have nothing to do with financial management? Funds contributed by eager people who want to appear to be the biggest and truest fan in their group? It is perhaps the most fertile ground for future corruption and financial improprieties." said Blatter.

"It should be easy enough to start funneling money away from t-shirt sales and tifo donations as my group will be required to be a non-profit organization and won't want to attract the attention of the government by reporting large sums of money. Given that the status of my group will be made to be a sole source of pride, the idea of challenging what should be unlimited and thoughtless support of this group and thus the team we support will make anyone who does so look like a turncoat. Thus I can ensure that no one will ever decide to investigate my financial skimming and the selling of our future brand for pure financial gain."

Blatter indicated that while he hasn't decided which league or which team, that he is confident that he can easily get away with robbing people of their hard earned money because they will simply ask him to do so because of cool t-shirt designs.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

BREAKING NEWS: "Pirlo Not Athletic Enough For Major League Soccer" Announces Local Moron

San Francisco, CA - Local moron Jasper Hargreaves announced today that "Andrea Pirlo is not athletic enough for Major League Soccer" prompting a rebuttal from his friends.

That response was delivered by Mr Paul Blares of Oakland, CA which stated, "Shut the fuck up, Jasper."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it develops.

Depsite Blazers Admission Of A Corrupt 96, 98, 00, 02 & 03 Gold Cup, US Soccer Says Everything Is Just Fine

CHICAGO - US Soccer officials today announced that despite Chuck Blazers admission of wide spread corruption in FIFA and CONCACAF regarding the World Cup and Gold Cup, that everything was completely on the up and up recently.

"THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO INVESTIGATE FURTHER" said an irate Sunil Gulati. "Sure, the 96, 98, 00, 02, and 03 Gold Cups may have had massive financial irregularities, corruption and bribes, but we have resolved all of these problems by ensuring that we gave control of the Gold Cup over to an opaque organization with absolutely zero oversight by anyone. Clearly if there was smoke there would be fire and there is no reason to change a horse midstream in the desert while eating ice cream with ketchup gloves. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT SUM. Won't someone leave Don Garber the hell alone?"

US Soccer also took the moment to announce the 2015 Women's World Cup mascot "Unbelievable Distraction" a scantily clad ethnic stereotype mascot said to be conceived by Chuck Blazer on the outside chance that he needed a way to make people pay attention to something other than himself one day.

TNN will have more on this as information comes to light of the massive corruption that exists within the hallways of CONCACAF.

Advocare And Monsanto Partner Up With Major League Soccer To Release "Rave Green Fitness Prunes"

Seattle, WA - In an extension of their current sponsorship as the OFFICIAL Sports Nutrition Partner of Major League Soccer, AdvoCare today announced a partnership with Monsanto to sell Major League Soccer branded, genetically modified "Rave Green Fitness Prunes".

Having enlisted Seattle Sounder forward Clint Dempsey as a spokesman for the new super fruit, AdvoCare indicated that they are forging ahead into the realm of branded and genetically modified fruits and vegetables with AdvoCare additives to increase strength, flexibility and the frequency of use of the Major League Soccer fan's colon.

"We here at AdvoCare are dedicated to making you better, because you aren't good enough without MUSCLE FUEL." said director of advertising Rod Underwood. "We are partnering up with Monsanto and their flotilla of lawyers to be the first pyramid scheme nutritional supplement organization to sell AdvoCare: Major League Soccer branded Rave Green Fitness Prunes. We will offer a variety of different options including those loaded with 10,000 mg of protein, 10,000 mg of creatine, or even the SUPERMAX Fitness Prune, a fruit loaded with 40,000 mg of fiber, creatine, caffeine and nicotine for that smoooooooth flavor."

While AdvoCare is generally regarded as a pyramid scheme hell bent on relieving easily fooled people out of the money they would have spent on a Herbalife franchise, the Major League Soccer sponsor has made significant inroads into the North American soccer communities in recent years. Mr Underwood had the following to say about these gains, "We are focused on the nutrition of children. More specifically, we are concerned that children today aren't getting enough anabolic steroids in their prunes, strawberries and carrots. How can we compete as a soccer nation if we aren't starting our children on the path to insane doping cycles, additional supplements and yeast additives at an early age. We will never be a nation of soccer until we are filling crossfit gyms with angry 5 foot 4 ex-soccer players who dropped out because the combination of Adderall, CYTOMAX, and ADVOCARE MUSCLE FUEL made them burst a blood vessel in their quad when they tried out for the Columbus Crew."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this partnership as it happens.

Soccer Journalist Only Two Stories Away From Getting Promotion Out Of This Crap Gig

WASHINGTON - Washington Post and MLSsoccer.com contributor David Triest was excited to find out that he was only two stories away from getting a promotion out of regurgitating club talking points on an internet platform to incite anger in a comment section.

"Dear God, this purgatory of bullshit is almost over. If I say anything negative or critical I end up getting repeated emails from the front office. If I say anything positive about the club, the fans give me a hard time. I can't wait until I can cover the front office talking points that the Nationals and Major League Baseball give me while simultaneously writing bombastic, long form pieces about cultural touch-points for independent blogs that cover soccer," said Mr Triest.

"I'd say that most people understand that more than half of what I submitted and published could have been contributed by a simple web algorithm that uses cliche phrases and oft submitted paragraphs to formulate some kind of narrative while operating by club specific rules such as 'don't criticize player x' or 'don't talk about offensive problems'. Fortunately, my time as a regurgitating non-investigative reporter on soccer can end."

While Mr. Triest is excited for the new upcoming opportunity with Major League Baseball, he had one additional positive thing to say about his upcoming promotion off the soccer beat.

"At least I can start caring about the game of soccer again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as it happens.

DC United Set To Barnstorm Across United States, Canada And Guam After 11th Hour Stadium Shift

WASHINGTON - DC United announced today that they would be spending the next 5 seasons barnstorming across the United States, Canada and Guam after failing to secure a stadium deal where they don't have to pay any money and the tax payers are held ransom for the next 20 years.

"We decided to do this as an homage to carpetbagging, finance dodging teams from the 1920's whose sole purpose in life was to play teams like the Pittsburgh Riverhounds in front of local gamblers for vast sums of money." said director of communications Walt Gonsih.  "We are mostly interested in making sure we capitalize on every form of revenue stream away from home so we will make certain that we are travelling by bus to every game and will have wing walkers as entertainment during the half time show. As well, we will loan in a some Washington National players during a few games as a gigantic publicity stunt where they pretend to warm up like they are coming in for the whole game only to run around aimlessly for 1 minute."

DC United have long searched for a stadium in the city limits, but they found the road difficult to travel without actually paying for their stadium in whole. Therefore they resolutely decided to avoid paying for any kind of infrastructure at all and intentionally headed towards putting all their unspent money into snazzy uniforms, racoon feed and ownership pockets. "We are considering renaming the squad International Debonair Man's Football Club" said owner Erick Thohir. "At some point in the near future, we may decide to play back in the District of Columbia. More likely it will happen when they elect another mayor that believes in the ideals of laundering public goodwill through vast, expansive and expensive (to the residents) stadium projects."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Blatter Steps Down To Make Way For Modernized Bribery and 21st Century Coercion

Zurich, CH - Today's shock announcement of Sepp Blatter resigning from FIFA was part of a new movement within FIFA to streamline and modernize its bribery and slavery ethos for the 21st century. Blatter was reportedly viewed as being stuck in the 20th century with his briefcases full of money and clandestine "spies like us" methodology. Blatter was frequently caught making references to Kool and the Gang, which the new modern FIFA millennials could not understand.

FIFA secretary Donald Relante had the following to say, "We felt that Mr Blatter was starting to hold back our money laundering and international crime business. We asked him whether or not he had any idea of how to accept bitcoins as bribes on a FIFA built version of Silk Road and he just looked at us like we were speaking Australian." 

The FIFA presentation of Blatter's resignation was closed by the organizations digital media presentation of their targeted growth in terms of new methodologies for money laundering, corruption, coercion and slavery in the 21st century.

"Gone are the days of briefcases of money, now we will accept digital currencies from our Emir brethren. Soon you will be able to use square (on select iphones) in order to order up a bribe for a World Cup. We are entering a brand new epoch of corruption, and we have the department of justice to thank for that."

FIFA Calls Press Conference To Announce That They Unfollowed The United States On Twitter

Zurich, CH - FIFA announced today that it has unfollowed the United States on Twitter. 

Director of Communications Jeremiah Crabbe released this statement, "We were shocked that the United States justice department harshed our vibe on our timeline. It was constantly like, 'yo, where are you getting that cash'. And it wouldn't stop asking about our phone records. So we unfollowed them and blocked them from twitter. That should stop the drama."

Despite this hallow attempt, FIFA did announce that it would be still following the United States on Instagram because it couldn't get enough selfies of Hoda and Kathie Lee  in front of the Golden Gate bridge.

FIFA FASHION: Prince Ali Stuns During The Swimsuit Portion Of The FIFA Congress

Zurich, CH - Prince Ali of Jordon, revelead a gorgeous two piece hot pink bikini during the swimsuit portion of the FIFA Congress. It is hoped that this will increase the Prince's ability to oust Sepp Blatter from the position that he has held for so long.

SENSUAL

The Prince, as well, decided to represent Switzerland as this is where the vote is taking place. He is hoping this will allow him to overcome the points that he lost during the question and answer phase where he answered "they are not good" to the question "How awesome are bribes, blow and babes?"

The Nutmeg News will continue covering the FIFA Congress as it happens.

Sepp Blatter To Resign From FIFA To Devote More Time To The Fight Against Batman

Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced his decision to resign from FIFA in order to focus and devote more time to the fight against Batman.

Blatter stated, "too long have I waited in the shadows, biding my time to take out the Batman. It is only now that THE PENGUIN can arise" before he shuffled off with a flotilla of penguins armed to the teeth with machetes and nuclear warheads. 

TNN was able to verify that while Blatter will be off fighting Batman, he will still be very much able to take and create bribes, as well as distribute world cups by going with the "point at a rich country that hasn't held the World Cup and solicit bribes" methodology.

After Blatter's conference, FIFA released a statement sating "We do not condone nor endorse super villains lightly. However Sepp "The Penguin" Blatter has shown his commitment to felonious methods to further the truth of football in our world. As such, we will also be contacting the Joker, but not the Riddler because he hasn't been made into a relevant character since before Clooney donned the tights."

FIFA Tell EA Sports To Add Women To Special FIFA 2016 Mud Wrestling Minigame

Zurich, CH - FIFA announced today that they have told EA Sports to add women soccer players to a special Mud Wrestling mini-game in the popular FIFA franchise.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Sepp Blatter about the issue, "Men like women. Women are terrible at playing soccer, but great making babies and cooking food for us men. We also like to watch them parade around wearing little and mud wrestling. This makes sense, no?"

While Blatter has been long regarded by himself as being a feminist, his work to add women soccer players to the FIFA video games is being regarded by himself as a massive step forward in the rights of women to be exploited for free by a video game. "We here at FIFA believe that women should play the beautiful game as it gives us another opportunity to accept bribes. As well, we believe that they should do so in short shorts and bra tops while wrestling for a greased ball. This is a win for all sports fans, everywhere. The game will include such players as Alex Horgan and Encarta... er Merta.... Marta, that's it." 

EA Sports today released a statement that indicates that they have nothing to do with this content and that if a suitcase of money hasn't shown up by 1:00pm, they are just going to pack in the video game franchise and work on getting John Madden to say another 10 phrases about Tom Brady for the upcoming version of Madden 16.

Every Fan In Attendence Remembers Colorado v Seattle Except Connor O'Shanksy

Seattle, WA - Connor O'Shansky attended the Colorado Rapids versus Seattle Sounders game last night and vividly remembers nearly nothing from the game he attended.

"I was W-R-E-C-K-E-D, bro" said the still slightly drunk O'Shanksy to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "I'm a Pats fan, in town for one night, me and my bro's said... 'hey, lets go to a game' and we did. I got wasted on those 12 dollar Budweisers. So, wasted. My friend Aiden hooked me up with some of the dank before we entered. I don't even remember the game."

While O'Shanksy remembers nothing of the game, literally every single person around him does as he was standing on his chair, flipping off the crowd, screaming rage induced curse words at his fellow fans and yelling at other people who weren't cheering to suck his dick.

"He was awful, just awful." said Seattle fan Jane Gurdy. "He had a flat brim Patriots hat tilted sideways and spent most of the night whipping his shirt around in a circle about his head. If I wanted drunk bros screaming epithets at fans around me, I'd go to a Seahawks game."

O'Shanksy indicated that he loved the atmosphere of the game and the fact that the setup of soccer allowed him the ability to scream the words to songs that he didn't even know while trying to pound two Bud Lites all the while lecturing his section on the importance of Tom Brady during the half time break. "If I get a chance I'll go again. But only to a place with an actual crowd, like Seattle. Maybe next time I'll remember the game, but probably not. I'll just smuggle in a flask of Jagermeister and really get the crowd going."

Sunil Gulati Proclaims US Soccer Could Also Be A World Leader In Soccer Corruption By 2025 "If we just tried"

NEW YORK - President of the United States Soccer Federation (USSF), Sunil Gulati, proclaimed that the United States could become the world leader in soccer corruption by 2025 if "The nation just applied itself and focused on raising the kind of corrupt leaders that engender massive amounts of unmarked financial transactions between like minded people, wink-wink". 

MAKE IT RAIN, SEPP!

Speaking after the recent arrest of top FIFA executives in Zurch, last night. Gulati stated that the United States is on a roadmap to the possibility of corruption at all levels of soccer and that having a league in the North American Soccer League (NASL) that was founded by Traffic sports and still contains teams run by Traffic sports was only the first step.

"We are talking massive payouts for hosting the rights to tournaments, rigging secret draws, ensuring which teams get which marquee European teams, finding a way to keep the US Open Cup in certain locations, it could be a glorious time. Also, this way we don't actually have to try to win the world cup, we can just pay off a shit load of referees." Gulati continued, "We just have to try! The United States can be a corrupt place with politicians and campaign finance and the National Football League. Why not with Soccer? We could be a leading soccer corruption country if we had the programs in place to really foster corruption."

Gulati also indicated that they will be starting an internationally recognized FIFA EXCO bribary school that will show FIFA partners how to appropriately launder finances through the caymen islands and deposit them in a swiss bank account.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

MLS Fulfills Equal Opportunity Workplace Requirement By Hiring Blind And Deaf Referee

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) and the Professional Referee Organization (PRO) today announced that they have hired referee Kevin Glasston to referee upcoming games during the Major League Soccer season.

Glasston is both legally blind and legally deaf, however he fulfills the requirement placed on the league from the  Equal Employment Opportunity Commission non-discrimination policy which requires the league to not discriminate based upon any reason.

"I'm excited to start the season and to have the game called at an even pace for both teams," said Mr Glasston to an assembled crowd of reporters. "I feel that my inability to hear or see will only heighten my ability to work efficiently and as an advocate for the game rather than either side."

Statistics note that Mr. Glasston is actually a higher ranked referee in world organizations than any other referee in Major League Soccer, above such stalwarts as Baldomero Toledo and Mark Geiger. He is renowned for his ability to suss out a situation on the field, deliver a judgement and be impartial as he couldn't possibly be biased against any player since he can't actually see them in the first place.

Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber agreed with this assessment stating, "Well, he couldn't be worse than what we already have."

KREIS BOWL 2015 Approaches

Sandy, UT - With Kreis Bowl 2015 set to take place in Sandy on Saturday, fans the league over are excited at the upcoming opportunity to see the former Real Salt Lake coach take on his old team with his new mistress New York City FC. 

TNN spoke with Jason Kreis on the phone about this new opportunity, "I honestly don't remember coaching there in the first place. I've spent the last few years in Manchester for my global masters, City Financial Group, learning the ins and outs of the appropriate style for first-ish club management. I mean, coaching for RSL would be one thing, but I'm on my way to coaching bigger and better clubs by being a loyal servant for City Financial Group in one of their cast off franchises. This is like me leaving the Arctic Circle that wouldn't give me a bigger opportunity for the Olive Garden that has franchises world wide. Who wouldn't want to coach Olive Garden FC! "

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Jeff Cassar about the upcoming game and he had the following to say, "I really, really, really hope we win. I just bought a house in Sugarhouse. I can't afford to get fired right now"

Fans in Salt Lake are ready for Kreis Bowl 2015 as The Nutmeg News spoke to a group of main stand fans about the upcoming game, "We are ready for the blasphemer, the anti-kreis, he who shall not be named. At some point, he sure as heck-fire will get our ire and by ire I mean our girl scout cookies that we called Kreis Cookies."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with the supporters groups"Salt City United" who stand behind the goal at Rio Tinto stadium about the return of Kreis. They had the following to say, "Thanks for everything Kreis, now go fuck yourself."

"I'm Just Too Lazy To Use Youtube", Says Soccer Fan Interested In The US Open Cup

Columbus, OH - Soccer fan Philip Brant wanted to watch all the recent US Open Cup games but just couldn't be bothered to find them.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Brant about his situation. "Look, I'm a busy man, I'm a man who likes things at my finger tips, and despite having Apple TV and the ability to literally just queue up a wealth of games on YouTube, that would mean that I would have to find the schedule, pay attention to which game I want to watch, find the TV remote, change the input, and then click on the app. In this day and age that is just absolutely ridiculous. I need immediacy. I need the games on the channel I'm watching right now, whether that be TNT, TBS, or CBS. The US Open Cup should come to me so that I can enjoy it. After all, if it isn't on broadcast television, like 2 Broke Girls, it isn't a big deal. And we can all say that the television drama 2 Broke Girls was a big deal. So my point is made. Get it to me, where I am, in order for me to watch."

It was pointed out to Mr Brant that he would need to change the channel in order to watch nearly any sporting event. 

"Well, screw that... I'm just too lazy to use YouTube. I will make an effort for the NFL, but if soccer wants my eyeballs they must cater to my desires. I'm not about to watch the two teams that I don't know anything about on a YouTube stream broadcast from a hand held JVC camcorder at a field in Midland Odessa commentated by a 15 year old pipsqueak. I need the game on a channel over the air with pompous ex players who ramble on about the times that they played to sold out crowds ages before the current crop of players  (who are always just gigantic softies) started playing, to validate the game to me. If it isn't poorly commentated, over-inflated, over-commercialized, over-statted and expertly shot on FOX then it can piss off."

Bill Peterson And The NASL Pulls Miami's Number

Miami, FL - Bill Peterson and the North American Soccer League (NASL) pulled a "Skylah's Number" on Wednesday as they pulled Miami's number first after Don Garber and David Beckham tried and failed.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Comissioner Peterson outside the Broken Shaker about the move to put a team back in Miami. "We felt it was high time that someone put another club back in Miami after so many different teams had already failed. Plus, it really pissed me off that Beckham and Garber tried to step to my bro Riccardo Silva about Garber's views on American history when Don tried to impress Miami by telling it about Alan Gordon's view of South Beach society in a Keynesian economy. He was just regurgitating what he learned in the NFL, man. So I stepped to him, put him in his place, organized an ownership group with Paolo Maldini and got Miami FC back in the limelight."

Rumors swirled around Miami that Peterson found Garber eating at the 11th street diner and now infamously pulled the "Skylah's number" by slamming Maldini's check for the NASL franchise against the window while screaming DO YOU LIKE APPLES.

HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES!

Sources indicate that Garber did indeed "not like them apples" and appeared to be both chastened and incensed. Rumors are that he punched Beckham in the solar plexes and said, "What the hell, bro?!"

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover THE BATTLE FOR MIAMI as it continues or until the franchise is relocated to Ft Lauderdale.