Blatter Steps Down To Make Way For Modernized Bribery and 21st Century Coercion

Zurich, CH - Today's shock announcement of Sepp Blatter resigning from FIFA was part of a new movement within FIFA to streamline and modernize its bribery and slavery ethos for the 21st century. Blatter was reportedly viewed as being stuck in the 20th century with his briefcases full of money and clandestine "spies like us" methodology. Blatter was frequently caught making references to Kool and the Gang, which the new modern FIFA millennials could not understand.

FIFA secretary Donald Relante had the following to say, "We felt that Mr Blatter was starting to hold back our money laundering and international crime business. We asked him whether or not he had any idea of how to accept bitcoins as bribes on a FIFA built version of Silk Road and he just looked at us like we were speaking Australian." 

The FIFA presentation of Blatter's resignation was closed by the organizations digital media presentation of their targeted growth in terms of new methodologies for money laundering, corruption, coercion and slavery in the 21st century.

"Gone are the days of briefcases of money, now we will accept digital currencies from our Emir brethren. Soon you will be able to use square (on select iphones) in order to order up a bribe for a World Cup. We are entering a brand new epoch of corruption, and we have the department of justice to thank for that."