Soccer Journalist Only Two Stories Away From Getting Promotion Out Of This Crap Gig

WASHINGTON - Washington Post and contributor David Triest was excited to find out that he was only two stories away from getting a promotion out of regurgitating club talking points on an internet platform to incite anger in a comment section.

"Dear God, this purgatory of bullshit is almost over. If I say anything negative or critical I end up getting repeated emails from the front office. If I say anything positive about the club, the fans give me a hard time. I can't wait until I can cover the front office talking points that the Nationals and Major League Baseball give me while simultaneously writing bombastic, long form pieces about cultural touch-points for independent blogs that cover soccer," said Mr Triest.

"I'd say that most people understand that more than half of what I submitted and published could have been contributed by a simple web algorithm that uses cliche phrases and oft submitted paragraphs to formulate some kind of narrative while operating by club specific rules such as 'don't criticize player x' or 'don't talk about offensive problems'. Fortunately, my time as a regurgitating non-investigative reporter on soccer can end."

While Mr. Triest is excited for the new upcoming opportunity with Major League Baseball, he had one additional positive thing to say about his upcoming promotion off the soccer beat.

"At least I can start caring about the game of soccer again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as it happens.