WASHINGTON - DC United announced today that they would be spending the next 5 seasons barnstorming across the United States, Canada and Guam after failing to secure a stadium deal where they don't have to pay any money and the tax payers are held ransom for the next 20 years.
"We decided to do this as an homage to carpetbagging, finance dodging teams from the 1920's whose sole purpose in life was to play teams like the Pittsburgh Riverhounds in front of local gamblers for vast sums of money." said director of communications Walt Gonsih. "We are mostly interested in making sure we capitalize on every form of revenue stream away from home so we will make certain that we are travelling by bus to every game and will have wing walkers as entertainment during the half time show. As well, we will loan in a some Washington National players during a few games as a gigantic publicity stunt where they pretend to warm up like they are coming in for the whole game only to run around aimlessly for 1 minute."
DC United have long searched for a stadium in the city limits, but they found the road difficult to travel without actually paying for their stadium in whole. Therefore they resolutely decided to avoid paying for any kind of infrastructure at all and intentionally headed towards putting all their unspent money into snazzy uniforms, racoon feed and ownership pockets. "We are considering renaming the squad International Debonair Man's Football Club" said owner Erick Thohir. "At some point in the near future, we may decide to play back in the District of Columbia. More likely it will happen when they elect another mayor that believes in the ideals of laundering public goodwill through vast, expansive and expensive (to the residents) stadium projects."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.