DC United Set To Barnstorm Across United States, Canada And Guam After 11th Hour Stadium Shift

WASHINGTON - DC United announced today that they would be spending the next 5 seasons barnstorming across the United States, Canada and Guam after failing to secure a stadium deal where they don't have to pay any money and the tax payers are held ransom for the next 20 years.

"We decided to do this as an homage to carpetbagging, finance dodging teams from the 1920's whose sole purpose in life was to play teams like the Pittsburgh Riverhounds in front of local gamblers for vast sums of money." said director of communications Walt Gonsih.  "We are mostly interested in making sure we capitalize on every form of revenue stream away from home so we will make certain that we are travelling by bus to every game and will have wing walkers as entertainment during the half time show. As well, we will loan in a some Washington National players during a few games as a gigantic publicity stunt where they pretend to warm up like they are coming in for the whole game only to run around aimlessly for 1 minute."

DC United have long searched for a stadium in the city limits, but they found the road difficult to travel without actually paying for their stadium in whole. Therefore they resolutely decided to avoid paying for any kind of infrastructure at all and intentionally headed towards putting all their unspent money into snazzy uniforms, racoon feed and ownership pockets. "We are considering renaming the squad International Debonair Man's Football Club" said owner Erick Thohir. "At some point in the near future, we may decide to play back in the District of Columbia. More likely it will happen when they elect another mayor that believes in the ideals of laundering public goodwill through vast, expansive and expensive (to the residents) stadium projects."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Blatter Steps Down To Make Way For Modernized Bribery and 21st Century Coercion

Zurich, CH - Today's shock announcement of Sepp Blatter resigning from FIFA was part of a new movement within FIFA to streamline and modernize its bribery and slavery ethos for the 21st century. Blatter was reportedly viewed as being stuck in the 20th century with his briefcases full of money and clandestine "spies like us" methodology. Blatter was frequently caught making references to Kool and the Gang, which the new modern FIFA millennials could not understand.

FIFA secretary Donald Relante had the following to say, "We felt that Mr Blatter was starting to hold back our money laundering and international crime business. We asked him whether or not he had any idea of how to accept bitcoins as bribes on a FIFA built version of Silk Road and he just looked at us like we were speaking Australian." 

The FIFA presentation of Blatter's resignation was closed by the organizations digital media presentation of their targeted growth in terms of new methodologies for money laundering, corruption, coercion and slavery in the 21st century.

"Gone are the days of briefcases of money, now we will accept digital currencies from our Emir brethren. Soon you will be able to use square (on select iphones) in order to order up a bribe for a World Cup. We are entering a brand new epoch of corruption, and we have the department of justice to thank for that."

FIFA Calls Press Conference To Announce That They Unfollowed The United States On Twitter

Zurich, CH - FIFA announced today that it has unfollowed the United States on Twitter. 

Director of Communications Jeremiah Crabbe released this statement, "We were shocked that the United States justice department harshed our vibe on our timeline. It was constantly like, 'yo, where are you getting that cash'. And it wouldn't stop asking about our phone records. So we unfollowed them and blocked them from twitter. That should stop the drama."

Despite this hallow attempt, FIFA did announce that it would be still following the United States on Instagram because it couldn't get enough selfies of Hoda and Kathie Lee  in front of the Golden Gate bridge.

FIFA FASHION: Prince Ali Stuns During The Swimsuit Portion Of The FIFA Congress

Zurich, CH - Prince Ali of Jordon, revelead a gorgeous two piece hot pink bikini during the swimsuit portion of the FIFA Congress. It is hoped that this will increase the Prince's ability to oust Sepp Blatter from the position that he has held for so long.

SENSUAL

The Prince, as well, decided to represent Switzerland as this is where the vote is taking place. He is hoping this will allow him to overcome the points that he lost during the question and answer phase where he answered "they are not good" to the question "How awesome are bribes, blow and babes?"

The Nutmeg News will continue covering the FIFA Congress as it happens.

Sepp Blatter To Resign From FIFA To Devote More Time To The Fight Against Batman

Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced his decision to resign from FIFA in order to focus and devote more time to the fight against Batman.

Blatter stated, "too long have I waited in the shadows, biding my time to take out the Batman. It is only now that THE PENGUIN can arise" before he shuffled off with a flotilla of penguins armed to the teeth with machetes and nuclear warheads. 

TNN was able to verify that while Blatter will be off fighting Batman, he will still be very much able to take and create bribes, as well as distribute world cups by going with the "point at a rich country that hasn't held the World Cup and solicit bribes" methodology.

After Blatter's conference, FIFA released a statement sating "We do not condone nor endorse super villains lightly. However Sepp "The Penguin" Blatter has shown his commitment to felonious methods to further the truth of football in our world. As such, we will also be contacting the Joker, but not the Riddler because he hasn't been made into a relevant character since before Clooney donned the tights."

FIFA Tell EA Sports To Add Women To Special FIFA 2016 Mud Wrestling Minigame

Zurich, CH - FIFA announced today that they have told EA Sports to add women soccer players to a special Mud Wrestling mini-game in the popular FIFA franchise.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Sepp Blatter about the issue, "Men like women. Women are terrible at playing soccer, but great making babies and cooking food for us men. We also like to watch them parade around wearing little and mud wrestling. This makes sense, no?"

While Blatter has been long regarded by himself as being a feminist, his work to add women soccer players to the FIFA video games is being regarded by himself as a massive step forward in the rights of women to be exploited for free by a video game. "We here at FIFA believe that women should play the beautiful game as it gives us another opportunity to accept bribes. As well, we believe that they should do so in short shorts and bra tops while wrestling for a greased ball. This is a win for all sports fans, everywhere. The game will include such players as Alex Horgan and Encarta... er Merta.... Marta, that's it." 

EA Sports today released a statement that indicates that they have nothing to do with this content and that if a suitcase of money hasn't shown up by 1:00pm, they are just going to pack in the video game franchise and work on getting John Madden to say another 10 phrases about Tom Brady for the upcoming version of Madden 16.

Every Fan In Attendence Remembers Colorado v Seattle Except Connor O'Shanksy

Seattle, WA - Connor O'Shansky attended the Colorado Rapids versus Seattle Sounders game last night and vividly remembers nearly nothing from the game he attended.

"I was W-R-E-C-K-E-D, bro" said the still slightly drunk O'Shanksy to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "I'm a Pats fan, in town for one night, me and my bro's said... 'hey, lets go to a game' and we did. I got wasted on those 12 dollar Budweisers. So, wasted. My friend Aiden hooked me up with some of the dank before we entered. I don't even remember the game."

While O'Shanksy remembers nothing of the game, literally every single person around him does as he was standing on his chair, flipping off the crowd, screaming rage induced curse words at his fellow fans and yelling at other people who weren't cheering to suck his dick.

"He was awful, just awful." said Seattle fan Jane Gurdy. "He had a flat brim Patriots hat tilted sideways and spent most of the night whipping his shirt around in a circle about his head. If I wanted drunk bros screaming epithets at fans around me, I'd go to a Seahawks game."

O'Shanksy indicated that he loved the atmosphere of the game and the fact that the setup of soccer allowed him the ability to scream the words to songs that he didn't even know while trying to pound two Bud Lites all the while lecturing his section on the importance of Tom Brady during the half time break. "If I get a chance I'll go again. But only to a place with an actual crowd, like Seattle. Maybe next time I'll remember the game, but probably not. I'll just smuggle in a flask of Jagermeister and really get the crowd going."

Sunil Gulati Proclaims US Soccer Could Also Be A World Leader In Soccer Corruption By 2025 "If we just tried"

NEW YORK - President of the United States Soccer Federation (USSF), Sunil Gulati, proclaimed that the United States could become the world leader in soccer corruption by 2025 if "The nation just applied itself and focused on raising the kind of corrupt leaders that engender massive amounts of unmarked financial transactions between like minded people, wink-wink". 

MAKE IT RAIN, SEPP!

Speaking after the recent arrest of top FIFA executives in Zurch, last night. Gulati stated that the United States is on a roadmap to the possibility of corruption at all levels of soccer and that having a league in the North American Soccer League (NASL) that was founded by Traffic sports and still contains teams run by Traffic sports was only the first step.

"We are talking massive payouts for hosting the rights to tournaments, rigging secret draws, ensuring which teams get which marquee European teams, finding a way to keep the US Open Cup in certain locations, it could be a glorious time. Also, this way we don't actually have to try to win the world cup, we can just pay off a shit load of referees." Gulati continued, "We just have to try! The United States can be a corrupt place with politicians and campaign finance and the National Football League. Why not with Soccer? We could be a leading soccer corruption country if we had the programs in place to really foster corruption."

Gulati also indicated that they will be starting an internationally recognized FIFA EXCO bribary school that will show FIFA partners how to appropriately launder finances through the caymen islands and deposit them in a swiss bank account.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

MLS Fulfills Equal Opportunity Workplace Requirement By Hiring Blind And Deaf Referee

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) and the Professional Referee Organization (PRO) today announced that they have hired referee Kevin Glasston to referee upcoming games during the Major League Soccer season.

Glasston is both legally blind and legally deaf, however he fulfills the requirement placed on the league from the  Equal Employment Opportunity Commission non-discrimination policy which requires the league to not discriminate based upon any reason.

"I'm excited to start the season and to have the game called at an even pace for both teams," said Mr Glasston to an assembled crowd of reporters. "I feel that my inability to hear or see will only heighten my ability to work efficiently and as an advocate for the game rather than either side."

Statistics note that Mr. Glasston is actually a higher ranked referee in world organizations than any other referee in Major League Soccer, above such stalwarts as Baldomero Toledo and Mark Geiger. He is renowned for his ability to suss out a situation on the field, deliver a judgement and be impartial as he couldn't possibly be biased against any player since he can't actually see them in the first place.

Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber agreed with this assessment stating, "Well, he couldn't be worse than what we already have."

KREIS BOWL 2015 Approaches

Sandy, UT - With Kreis Bowl 2015 set to take place in Sandy on Saturday, fans the league over are excited at the upcoming opportunity to see the former Real Salt Lake coach take on his old team with his new mistress New York City FC. 

TNN spoke with Jason Kreis on the phone about this new opportunity, "I honestly don't remember coaching there in the first place. I've spent the last few years in Manchester for my global masters, City Financial Group, learning the ins and outs of the appropriate style for first-ish club management. I mean, coaching for RSL would be one thing, but I'm on my way to coaching bigger and better clubs by being a loyal servant for City Financial Group in one of their cast off franchises. This is like me leaving the Arctic Circle that wouldn't give me a bigger opportunity for the Olive Garden that has franchises world wide. Who wouldn't want to coach Olive Garden FC! "

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Jeff Cassar about the upcoming game and he had the following to say, "I really, really, really hope we win. I just bought a house in Sugarhouse. I can't afford to get fired right now"

Fans in Salt Lake are ready for Kreis Bowl 2015 as The Nutmeg News spoke to a group of main stand fans about the upcoming game, "We are ready for the blasphemer, the anti-kreis, he who shall not be named. At some point, he sure as heck-fire will get our ire and by ire I mean our girl scout cookies that we called Kreis Cookies."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with the supporters groups"Salt City United" who stand behind the goal at Rio Tinto stadium about the return of Kreis. They had the following to say, "Thanks for everything Kreis, now go fuck yourself."

"I'm Just Too Lazy To Use Youtube", Says Soccer Fan Interested In The US Open Cup

Columbus, OH - Soccer fan Philip Brant wanted to watch all the recent US Open Cup games but just couldn't be bothered to find them.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Brant about his situation. "Look, I'm a busy man, I'm a man who likes things at my finger tips, and despite having Apple TV and the ability to literally just queue up a wealth of games on YouTube, that would mean that I would have to find the schedule, pay attention to which game I want to watch, find the TV remote, change the input, and then click on the app. In this day and age that is just absolutely ridiculous. I need immediacy. I need the games on the channel I'm watching right now, whether that be TNT, TBS, or CBS. The US Open Cup should come to me so that I can enjoy it. After all, if it isn't on broadcast television, like 2 Broke Girls, it isn't a big deal. And we can all say that the television drama 2 Broke Girls was a big deal. So my point is made. Get it to me, where I am, in order for me to watch."

It was pointed out to Mr Brant that he would need to change the channel in order to watch nearly any sporting event. 

"Well, screw that... I'm just too lazy to use YouTube. I will make an effort for the NFL, but if soccer wants my eyeballs they must cater to my desires. I'm not about to watch the two teams that I don't know anything about on a YouTube stream broadcast from a hand held JVC camcorder at a field in Midland Odessa commentated by a 15 year old pipsqueak. I need the game on a channel over the air with pompous ex players who ramble on about the times that they played to sold out crowds ages before the current crop of players  (who are always just gigantic softies) started playing, to validate the game to me. If it isn't poorly commentated, over-inflated, over-commercialized, over-statted and expertly shot on FOX then it can piss off."

Bill Peterson And The NASL Pulls Miami's Number

Miami, FL - Bill Peterson and the North American Soccer League (NASL) pulled a "Skylah's Number" on Wednesday as they pulled Miami's number first after Don Garber and David Beckham tried and failed.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Comissioner Peterson outside the Broken Shaker about the move to put a team back in Miami. "We felt it was high time that someone put another club back in Miami after so many different teams had already failed. Plus, it really pissed me off that Beckham and Garber tried to step to my bro Riccardo Silva about Garber's views on American history when Don tried to impress Miami by telling it about Alan Gordon's view of South Beach society in a Keynesian economy. He was just regurgitating what he learned in the NFL, man. So I stepped to him, put him in his place, organized an ownership group with Paolo Maldini and got Miami FC back in the limelight."

Rumors swirled around Miami that Peterson found Garber eating at the 11th street diner and now infamously pulled the "Skylah's number" by slamming Maldini's check for the NASL franchise against the window while screaming DO YOU LIKE APPLES.

HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES!

Sources indicate that Garber did indeed "not like them apples" and appeared to be both chastened and incensed. Rumors are that he punched Beckham in the solar plexes and said, "What the hell, bro?!"

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover THE BATTLE FOR MIAMI as it continues or until the franchise is relocated to Ft Lauderdale.

MLS Analyst Goes Insane After Writing 186th Straight Incorrect Game Prediction

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) analyst Steve Teddington was recently committed to the Manhattan Psychiatric Center after suffering a nervous breakdown on the job.

Teddington was reportedly working on a editor's pickem column for the Major League Soccer website after a week in which he picked both Los Angeles and Real Salt Lake to win. The Nutmeg News spoke to editor Thomas Szuboc about Teddington's psychotic break.

"Well, he was working on the numbers for next week and he realized that he had written 186 straight losing pickem choices. Steve freaked out, threw a chair across the room and then started screaming LA 4-0 LA 4-0 WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. He then ran out of the room while ripping his shirt off."

Teddington was reportedly seen running through the streets of Manhattan trying to sell fraudulent maps of Battery park that contained false information about historical soccer games played there. 

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Teddington's wife, Gloria. "Steve was under a lot of pressure, he kept telling me that the games never make any sense and that he couldn't find any reason why any team should win in any game at any time. In the last week he talked about betting against the teams that he picked to win because he thought he was a demon bent on the destruction of the world, but that wasn't really out of the ordinary for him. Of course we all know that this is the exact thing that promotion and relegation would have kept from happening. My dear sweet Steven is now locked up in the psychiatric ward, and I blame Bruce Arena. Orlando 4-0 over LA, who would pick that?"

Mr Szuboc had the following to say, "It's a tough game because you know that you are going to lose most of the time doing pickem columns. I mean even the best of us get an LA 4-0 game against Orlando but we need the ability to get through those games because honestly not one single person has any clue what is going to happen game to game in this league. This is exactly why I switched to power rankings, because then I just get to roll a bunch of dice on my desk for a few minutes and ask a few writers to come up with some pithy quotes. I pity the poor bastards that are forced to try to pick games, I really do. Hell on earth man.... hell on earth."

Tech Firm Announces Cascadia Soccer Dating App

San Francisco, CA - Komatsu Amalgamated, a technology firm based out of San Francisco, announced today the development of a Cascadia Soccer dating application that will allow fans of the Whitecaps, Sounders and Timbers to date fans of their own team or other teams. 

"We noticed that there was a severe issue when it came to two mates attempting to find each other in the vastness of the spectrum of soccer that exists in the region. As such, we decided to make an application that would allow those who wish to experience both physical and metaphysical intimacy with members who appreciate their main activity, which is watching soccer" said CEO Daiskue Watanabe. "We utilized the best programmers available to add in all metrics that will allow fans of the three soccer teams to specify who it is specifically for which they are looking."

Lead developer Darnell Holver spoke about the options available, "We have woman for man, man for woman, woman for woman, man for man, larper for ultra, ultra for bro, bro for grrl, drummer for capo, furry for mascot, front office employee for fan,  and that is just in our basic matrix.

We also have advanced matrix options available such as 'man who uses extreme amounts of sarcasm looking for woman who has an extremely positive attitude about the team at all times who also happens to have a great ass' OR 'woman who has higher standards because of the options available who is tired of dating men in the supporters group because they are all completely weird and insane', as well as 'man who stands on the edge of the supporters groups and yells but never sings who is interested in a passionate 3 month love affair with a man who stands dead center in the middle of the supporters group and loves to give the finger to goalkeepers.' We also are programming in matrix options such as 'yacht loving inside joke queen looking for Levesque look alike with interest in cos-play' and 'woman not remotely interested in drinking at Doolins who also has zero interest in the Canucks looking for woman who likes playing board games but hates poutine and thinks it is the example of repressive French ideals that are representative of Montreal culture creep.' All in all there are loads of metrics for us to program into the application that will allow us to customize the experience to nearly anyone's needs.

We will also have an incognito mode that allows you to surreptitiously date members of the opposing supporters group and set up these dates around the times on which your two teams play each other. Our dating app also programs in the normal meeting places for all the fans in all three cities which allows you to keep your clandestine love hidden."

Mr Holver said that unlike Tinder that swipes left or right depending on whether you want or do not want an interaction with the person there, the Cascadia Soccer Dating Application will swipe up or down, "We realized that this is an app for hooking up and dating. As such, you will swipe toward your genitals to indicate that you want to pull someone to them or away from your genitals if you want to repulse them. We thought it was easier."

The Nutmeg News also asked Mr Holver about whether there were things that they did not include in the application, "Yes. Enumclaw. Horse fucking. No way man.... no way."

Fan Admits That His Verbose Twitter Hate Of RSL Comes From Personal Problems

Orem, UT - Real Salt Lake season ticket holder David Mewes admitted on Tuesday that most of his recent twitter hate on his club comes from his deep personal problems that are seeping out into his sports fandom.

Mr Mewes spoke with The Nutmeg News about his situation, "I'm in the middle of a custody battle with my wife for my two children, I'm finalizing our divorce, I just had a notice that I have to start working nights.... Let's be honest, sports allows me the opportunity to take all the frustrations I have with work and just bellow them out into a nonsensical rage against the team that I love."

Mr Mewes indicated that while the team certainly has some problems and certainly needs things to be addressed that he isn't really as angry as his twitter persona @HungryHipposOnFleek would suggest. "Look, that's just the online version of me. The in person version of me is just a man going through a hard time. I mean.... sports and RSL in particular used to allow me the opportunity to escape from my tormented life of middle management and now it is just a mirror that holds up my own failings in front of me. It makes me so damn angry what Cassar is doing and it is conflated against my own personal failings as a parent."

While Mr Mewes has indicated that he won't be giving up his season tickets, he also said that his verbal discontent of Real Salt Lake will not slow, "While I realize the situation that I am in has some bearing on my current opinion, our record is still crap. I'm just waiting for the RSL that I know and love to come back and relieve me of the tormented nights I spend drinking Polygamy Porters and watching old episodes of Sesame Street from the 1970s on Netflix."

Merritt Paulson Reaches Out To Nick Sakiewicz To Offer Advice

Philadelphia, PA - After a protest against the Philadelphia Union and a back and forth between the Union ownership and the supporters group Sons of Ben, Merritt Paulson reportedly reached out to Nick Sakiewicz to give him advice on how to handle the supporters group.

TNN spoke to Mr Sakiewicz about the phone call he received from Paulson, "Well, he called and said that he had a lot of experience telling his ardent fans to fuck off and still getting them to fill up the stadium. So he felt like he had a lot to offer to me on how to accomplish this feat."

Sakiewicz said that Paulson informed him to be imperialistically dismissive towards the ardent fans, to never admit that the ownership group was in the wrong, and to ensure that he insulted the fan base frequently while simultaneously making events that encourage them to buy into the team. As such, Sakiewicz said that the Union plan on having a fan appreciation event where they take pictures of Union supporters and put them on the stadium, as well as offering more face painting booths and the ability to attend a Union training event at 10:30 am on an unannounced Wednesday in the future.

Sakiewicz said, "I learned a lot, to be honest, and I see the road map going forward. The Sons Of Ben are clearly idiots and morons. They don't understand my plan and they clearly don't understand soccer. Also, real fans get it is all about supporting the players and supporting the front office because we have a plan, we have just been unlucky implementing it. Now, come on down to the Union front office charity event with the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia on Saturday, unless you hate children and hate charity."

TNN will have more on this situation as it develops.

LAFC March To The Match Doesn't Lead To Actual Match, Confusing All

LOS ANGELES - Confusing nearly all of the assembled fans in attendance, the Los Angeles Football Club march to the match actually went nowhere on Monday.

WHAT TIME IS THE GAME!?

"I thought that we were actually going somewhere LITERALLY, not metaphorically" said director of Human Resources for Jerry's Cruller and Donut shop in Glendale, Sandra Greenderson. "We lined up, got our scarves, held the banner, posed for the picture and then we just walked, and then we stopped, and then we went home. I mean maybe there was a game that I missed? It seemed all very odd to have a march to the match that went nowhere."

Unaware that the march to the match was just a simple photo opportunity, Dale Brennen, was ready to go by the time he hit the streets, "I ... WAS.... TRASHED... BRO. Totally, TOTALLY ready to go. I wanted to see the boys out there, get them all hyyped and just get wrecked on shots, goals, and bud-light-lime. It was absolutely time to get crazy out there for the game, but I didn't find out we didn't have a game until somehow I was heading back to my car to drive home. What a bummer. I spent the rest of the night talking trash to the rest of the teams in MLS online and watching some porn."

Meanwhile, some fans were waiting all night for autographs of players that they weren't sure if they actually had in the first place.  Thomas Sonder had the following to say, "I mean it is MLS, no-one really knows all the scrub players that end up on your team, but they are your scrub players. I didn't know if they were going to show up because I didn't know we didn't have any and that the team isn't really doing anything for another three years. Oh well, I'll go to the beach now and they can call me when 2018 rolls around."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the exploits of LAFC as the next three years unfolds.

Union Fan Now Completely Convinced He Doesn't Go To The Game For The Game Anymore

Philadelphia, PA - Union fan Jeremy Brentwood has finally convinced himself that he no longer goes to the game for the game anymore.

"Seriously, I'm just happy to hang out with my friends by the corner of the River End, drink a beer, talk to the guys I haven't seen in a week and enjoy the scenery. It's like going to the city park for me now as in the distance there's a footy game, there's some loud music backed up by drums, everyone is drinking, its better when the weather is good, and I stand around talking to everyone (except in this case I pay a couple hundred dollars for the privilege)."

While Mr Brentwood admits that he was originally attracted to the game, the joy of winning and the idea of watching good players, the realization of the horrid state of the Union ownership and the play on the field eventually numbed his sensibilities and outrage to such a dull state that he eventually just stopped caring.

"Yeah, I have to say that since I've gotten to the point where I don't care about the results of the games anymore, the only thing holding me here is the community of my friends. I mean granted, it's great when the Union win, but I'm tired of actually putting the hard work into caring and just want to relax into apathetic nihilism while I float away into the haze of not giving a shit about sports. I mean, if enough of my friends stop going to games, then I'll probably stop going. If you don't care about whether the team is playing well or not, then I'm not sure why you go to the games and the same can be said about me. Eventually the novelty of going to the stadium will wear off and I'll just not renew my season tickets because of some kind of self-created financial restriction. Then I'll shed my fandom in this sport like a snake slithering out of his skin. It's fun to not care because it divests me of any real interest in anything and shields me from the pain of what loss, anger and most importantly hopelessness feels like."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Brentwood about the Son's Of Ben protest against the Union management and he had the following to say, "No one cares. Seriously. We all just root for franchised laundry that is really irrelevant in the world of terror attacks and people getting their arms pulled off by ISIS trained crocodiles. They should just give up, go to the game, sit down... or not... I mean it doesn't really matter anyway. Everything about sports is especially stupid, and they are clearly pretty stupid to care so much about the things that they spend time caring about. I mean, whats the deal with actually giving a shit about things? They seem like nice guys, but no one ever got anything done by making their voice heard. Every single bad situation in history, sports or life was fixed by not doing anything at all and hanging out with your friends and drinking a bit more. It is much better to just take everything on the chin until you just roll over into a small ball and retreat from everything that you like in life. If you submit enough, then eventually someone will just hand you the perfect opportunity. I call it my shrinking violet philosophy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the state of the Union as it happens.

USOC 2015: Harpo's FC Victory Over BYU A Declarative Win For Beer Drinking, Freedom Loving Advocates Everywhere

Provo, UT - The first round of the US Open Cup produced a memorable upset for marijauana loving, beer drinking, hot coffee enjoying, gay marriage advocating freedom fighters everywhere as Avery Brewing's Harpo's FC took down Brigham Young University on penalty kicks.

"This is a statement against the totalitarian religious institutions that seek to restrict their freedoms" said panhandler and  local Boulder roustabout Crazy Pete. "We here in Boulder are kind to our weed smoking, beer drinking, gay marriage advocates and that love towards our fellow humans is reciprocated throughout the world and bestowed upon our local team in karma. It shows as we were blessed in this local...um... what was it? SOCCER? Ok, well soccer then, tournament."

Zac Gibbens, Harpo's goalkeeper, was reported as saying, "I'm going to really enjoy myself, have a few drinks, celebrate this win and then head back to Denver because I had to take a few days off from my actual day job to go play in the US Open Cup and beat this young college team."

Harpo's FC teammates celebrating by taking a victory shot.

While BYU sent more shots into orbit than NASA during the game, they also provided an excellent backdrop for the drama that happened.

"Wow, I'm fricking upset" said local fan Jeremy Smith. "At least I have the memory of Jimmer. All hail Jimmer."  TNN was unable to speak with any BYU players as they all had to hurry back to their girlfriends to be able to see them quickly and avoid violating the restrictive BYU honor code and which requires them to be out of any mixed gender situation by midnight.

A self described "Bullshit Pub Team", Harpo's managed to take the game to the Premier Development League college team and outlasted them on penalties to stay in the US Open Cup tournament. They will next play on May 20th 2015 against the Colorado Switchbacks.

TNN will continue our coverage of the US Open Cup as it happens

ESPN Releases FIFA Documentary

Bristol, CT - ESPN recently announced that their recent documentary on the FIFA scandal that surrounds corruption and the World Cup bids is available online as well as on broadcast television. However, ESPN officials told The Nutmeg News that the documentary is, as well, available to be pulled down and destroyed if FIFA will agree to a certain set of conditions.

"In the grand tradition of tombstoning documentaries that criticize things ESPN makes money on, we here at the World Wide (North American) Leader In Sports will gladly kill this FIFA corruption documentary if FIFA would just swing the World Cup rights back over to our channel" said director of Programming Brent Colborne.

"ALLEGEDLY, We already killed the expose documentary that we were producing on concussions in the National Football League at the League's behest due to our involvement with broadcasting games. (you know what I'm talking about, Roger) We would be more than happy to destroy all copies of the FIFA corruption documentary if FIFA would just slip us the Television rights and maybe we slip them a cool billion or so."

While the rights to the English Language television broadcast of the FIFA World Cup in North America was won by FOX, ESPN appears to still be a major competitor and desperately wants the rights back.

ESPN's John Skipper had the following to say on the matter, "We tried everything, we bribed, we begged, we wined and dined their compatriots, but who knows what FOX did to get those rights. I mean.... allegedly.... they took Sepp out to the Arizona desert, got him really high on peyote and let him fire bottle rockets at immigrants until he was tired and then slipped him a couple hundred million dollars in a unmarked bills. Again. ALLEGEDLY. However, as I said before, if FIFA wants us to stop the documentary like we did with the NFL concussion documentary, then just show us the money and show us the ratings. You give us the World Cup and we will literally do anything for you, FIFA. C'mon sepp, you know you want an all access pass to the Spearmint Rhino! I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. We fired Simmons, so we have an extra couple million floating around. LETS MAKE A DEAL."

The Nutmeg News will have more news on this as it happens.