Tech Firm Announces Cascadia Soccer Dating App

San Francisco, CA - Komatsu Amalgamated, a technology firm based out of San Francisco, announced today the development of a Cascadia Soccer dating application that will allow fans of the Whitecaps, Sounders and Timbers to date fans of their own team or other teams. 


"We noticed that there was a severe issue when it came to two mates attempting to find each other in the vastness of the spectrum of soccer that exists in the region. As such, we decided to make an application that would allow those who wish to experience both physical and metaphysical intimacy with members who appreciate their main activity, which is watching soccer" said CEO Daiskue Watanabe. "We utilized the best programmers available to add in all metrics that will allow fans of the three soccer teams to specify who it is specifically for which they are looking."

Lead developer Darnell Holver spoke about the options available, "We have woman for man, man for woman, woman for woman, man for man, larper for ultra, ultra for bro, bro for grrl, drummer for capo, furry for mascot, front office employee for fan,  and that is just in our basic matrix.

We also have advanced matrix options available such as 'man who uses extreme amounts of sarcasm looking for woman who has an extremely positive attitude about the team at all times who also happens to have a great ass' OR 'woman who has higher standards because of the options available who is tired of dating men in the supporters group because they are all completely weird and insane', as well as 'man who stands on the edge of the supporters groups and yells but never sings who is interested in a passionate 3 month love affair with a man who stands dead center in the middle of the supporters group and loves to give the finger to goalkeepers.' We also are programming in matrix options such as 'yacht loving inside joke queen looking for Levesque look alike with interest in cos-play' and 'woman not remotely interested in drinking at Doolins who also has zero interest in the Canucks looking for woman who likes playing board games but hates poutine and thinks it is the example of repressive French ideals that are representative of Montreal culture creep.' All in all there are loads of metrics for us to program into the application that will allow us to customize the experience to nearly anyone's needs.

We will also have an incognito mode that allows you to surreptitiously date members of the opposing supporters group and set up these dates around the times on which your two teams play each other. Our dating app also programs in the normal meeting places for all the fans in all three cities which allows you to keep your clandestine love hidden."

Mr Holver said that unlike Tinder that swipes left or right depending on whether you want or do not want an interaction with the person there, the Cascadia Soccer Dating Application will swipe up or down, "We realized that this is an app for hooking up and dating. As such, you will swipe toward your genitals to indicate that you want to pull someone to them or away from your genitals if you want to repulse them. We thought it was easier."

The Nutmeg News also asked Mr Holver about whether there were things that they did not include in the application, "Yes. Enumclaw. Horse fucking. No way man.... no way."