MLS Announces TV Deal In China And That Players Are Greedy Bastards

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced a groundbreaking television deal to broadcast games in China. In the same press release, Major League Soccer indicated that despite all the recent sponsorship deals they still believe that their players are nothing but greedy bastards who don't deserve a penny more or real free agency. 

"We truly believe that our future is in the television rights of the countries outside the country in which we currently play. We also believe that our players don't deserve to see a single red cent of that money because they are talent-less hacks who don't deserve the league that we give them. Granted we have signed a number of new sponsorship and television rights deals recently which will pay the league large amounts of money but at the same time we want to point out that our players deserve none of this. While it is true that we built the league entirely on their backs and have intentionally made it difficult for them to get paid a living wage during the early days of the league as well as obfuscating the way in which they can move about the league, the reason we did all that is because they are shit." said Commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber. "The best way in which we can move forward is to create a massive amount of sponsorship and figure out a way in which the salary cap never increases which will increase the profit margin that our teams make while we work on expanding our bottom line."

The players union representative for Major League Soccer had the following to say, "We totally agree with Don. We just aren't worth the finances they don't want to pay us and that's why we caved at the beginning of the year. We wanted just a few percentage points, and the illusion of free-agency. Congratulations to Major League Soccer on their rights sponsorship in China and we hope to be able to save them some money going forward."

Man's Sole Purpose In Life To Note Inaccuracies Within Soccer Stories In Comments Section

WASHINGTON - Joel Bradding announced on Facebook that his sole purpose in life was to note small inaccuracies within soccer stories in the comments section.

It's Graham Zusi, not Grahm Zusi!

"When I see inaccuracies, especially in the international media, it is my absolute duty to be an unapologetic dick to the writer of the article by calling him misinformed, missing the point, uneducated or perhaps moronic. These reporters don't know what they are doing by missing out on the subtle nuances of the sport at the microscopic regional level."

Mr Bradding's most recent foray was on a Guardian piece about Major League Soccer, "I noticed that they used a "THE" descriptor for the league instead of just writing MLS. It was my duty to pillory the author in the comments section while lambasting the league, the fans, the other reporters and every person who isn't me for their lack of understanding."

While his friends report that they don't know who we were asking about and asked whether we were talking about the guy who works in the corner cubicle that never talks to anyone at work, Mr Bradding said, "I have a great social life. I critique life, I critique sports, I am constantly entertaining myself because I trust that I know what I am doing."

Mr Bradding said the most difficult thing is keeping a regimen every morning to ensure that he covers all possible avenues to make a comment. "I have an extensive bookmark list and a timed schedule that covers Twitter, Facebook, message boards and Reddit in order to make sure that I see all the articles out there that need my guidance. It is important to make sure that I comment on the smallest NPSL story on the Washington Post or the largest Champions League story on SI. I especially ensure that I start long rants on Facebook comments to generate discussion there. It is an especially favorite portion of comment among my many fans. I'm also starting to expand into commenting on soccer stories based in the political realm. Very soon you will see my comments there, as well as my expanded presence on yelp."

Calgary To Hold First Combined International Rodeo and Soccer Tournament

Calgary, AB - Calgary Foothills SC has announced that in partnership with their upcoming May 17th game in the Premier Development League they will be launching the first ever International Rodeo and Soccer Tournament to be held on the dusty slopes of Nose Hill Park in Calgary, Alberta.

"This is the first time where the sport of Rodeo and the sport of Soccer will be combined to created a hybrid bulldogging, fast paced, pass and move, rope some cattle experience," said Foothills SC director of Public Relations Dave McCarry. "We are going to run this as a two week long event where we rotate both rodeo events and soccer games with the rodeo events deciding how much on aggregate the various teams are up or down before they enter the field. In this way, a man who gets his team a point in the bareback event will also allow his team to be a goal up before they even enter the field."

McCarry went on to illustrate the need for such cross branding. "We here in Calgary take our sports seriously and in order to show that soccer isn't just a sport for kids when the ponds aren't frozen over and the Stampede aren't on Television, we need to pump up the soccer action a bit. Imagine watching Laurent Ciman from Montreal trying to ride a bull for 8 seconds and then attempting to steer wrestle before he has to put in 90 minutes against Jozy Altidore. This situation will be endlessly entertaining."

Despite the interest shown in the combined event, Mr McCarry indicated that he had one other trick up his sleeve, "The highlight of the weekend will be during the final where in the last 5 minutes of the game we will have a greased calf scramble that all the players who make the final must participate in while trying to finish the game. First team to catch the calf and score a goal gets an extra 10 points."

The Nutmeg News will continue covering developments in Alberta as they happen.

OPINION: The Soccer Bubble Is REAL! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Stevenage Wolfspaw of Austin, Texas. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Wolfspaw do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

The soccer bubble is REAL. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! You may hear people tell you that soccer fans exist in a bubble, but little did you know that the soccer bubble is a real physical thing! Ever seen contrails in the sky over your soccer stadium? That is the gas being dropped over the curvature of the bubble that exists over soccer loving areas to prevent the spread of our socialist and leftist European loving selfs. 

Soccer love exists only as a bacterial infection of those with weak constitutions in certain locations of North America. It was brought here by the Spanish during the war of Tallahassee, and has been spreading surreptitiously throughout communities infecting godless atheists with the ability to like European football. The government during the 1980's in conjunction with Margaret Thatcher instituted the creation of force field bubbles which would isolate infectious microbes within the communities that embraced the game, but all this did was institutionalize the infections within groups of communities like Portland, Seattle and Vancouver. Why do you think the northwest loves soccer so much? IT'S A BUBBLE, an ACTUAL BUBBLE.  

How do I explain New York City then? I can! The lack of a citywide soccer bubble is why the game is only treated as a 5th level sport. The government, under the auspice of the Hoover administration run by the Rothschild's (who infected the Catalan underground government 100 years ago) attempted to put a quarantine on Cosmos games but the infection spread because they weren't able to contain the prophet Pele spreading the infection outside the quarantine. Thus others were infected, but not on a city wide scale. The people you see at Red Bulls and NYCFC games are the descendants of those infected fans or those that have passed the soccer infection through sexually transmitted contact.

My God, why do you think that the United States deposed the government in Chile? To prevent the spread of soccer loving South Americans to the United States by enacting a soccer bubble. It's the same on the border of Mexico. You think the United States constructed the border wall to keep out immigrants? No. SOCCER BUBBLE. You get too close to the Rio Grande and you start to talk about registas and the greatness of Diego Maradona.  This is the construct that the modern fan fights through. It isn't apathetic and downright hostile antagonistic dislike from portions of the United States and Canada, it is those areas reacting against the biological infection which spreads as migrants leave their soccer bubble. We here in Austin have been fighting against this usage of force field bubbles for years as Phil Rawlins was forced by the illuminati and Sunil Gulati to move the Aztex's to Orlando due to the cost to envelop the suburbs of Austin (like Round Rock) into an expansive and expensive bubble.

In closing, SEE WITH YOUR MIND, NOT WITH YOUR EYES. THE SOCCER BUBBLE IS REAL! YOU ARE THE INFECTED QUARANTINED.

Stevenage Wolfspaw

Austin, Texas 

English Dildo Expert Disavows Association With Toronto Cowards

Bristol, ENG - English television dildo expert James Hendry disavowed any association with the cowards that told a Toronto reporter they would "fuck her right in the pussy" and then blamed him for the inspiration, the Nutmeg News was able to learn.

Our reporters caught up with Mr Hendry at his house in Bristol, just off the A4 in Totterdown. "I would never do that to a woman reporter" said Mr Hendry, "I mean it just makes you look like  a complete twat. My stuff is completely ridiculous, but I try to have a code. I'm not going to attack women and I'm definitely not going to do that on game day against a person just trying to get 'man on the street' perspective."

Mr Hendry's work (as shown above) has now, in the grand tradition of all things soccer in North America, been reduced to horrible, idiotic imitation as douchebag Toronto Football Club fans decided to show that idiocy abroad can contaminate the idiotic closer to home.

While Mr Hendry appeared to be un-apologetic for his dildo exploits, he had a word to say for the men in Toronto. "You guys are arseholes." 

When asked how he can employ the cognitive dissonance of enjoying dildoing a mans ear in England but disliking men threatening to do it to a woman in Toronto, Mr Hendry replied, "because they weren't trying to be funny, they weren't trying to be absurd, they were trying to be bro, asshole idiots who threatened a woman and then doubled down on it by referring to something as idiotic as what I did. Just because I'm out there being a moron, doesn't give them the right to scream their vulgar idiotic misconceptions at someone doing their job. I mean, what kind of man goes around screaming sexually explicit things at women on the street? I'll tell you who does that, they are called assholes."

The Nutmeg News will continue part 456 of our never ending story of "Assholes In America: The Story Of Drunk Fans" next week with "The person who can't stop yelling misogynistic things to players on the field"

Major League Soccer Broadcasters Just As Good At Hiring Horrible Commentators As Other North American Sports Leagues

Major League Soccer (MLS) has long wished to have the same kind of impact on North America as the established leagues of professional football, basketball, baseball and hockey. This season, MLS Broadcasters finally hit that lofty goal by hiring ex-players and commentators who routinely act like disinterested jackasses behind the microphone.

"We have been working slowly with our partners to ensure that the league is broadcast to the same horrible standard as all the rest of the leagues in the United States and Canada. We've been looking for our Boomer Esiason, our John Madden during the last 5 years where he didn't care, our Chris Berman, our Rush Limbaugh, our Mike Patrick and we finally believe that we have found some good combinations" said vice-president of MLS, Mark Abbot.

"We had to choose between Wynalda and Lalas" said director of Fox Programming Larry Dublo "And it was like picking between the controversial jerk that you know versus the controversial moron that you want. The thing we liked about Lalas was his ability to simultaneously sound excitedly bored and disinterestedly dispassionate. Our organization really likes that Lalas sounds like he is constantly texting and tweeting while looking for something to say that will generate buzz on the internet. The main thing is controversy. It might be controversial to say that we want someone controversial, but if that controversy becomes controversial then we will have conversational controversial and that is what we want. Also, who doesn't love a little disinterested controversy. PROMOTION RELEGATION IS FODDER FOR EUROSNOB LIASONS BETWEEN FRENCH LOVING EX-PATRIOT BORDER PATROL ELIGIBLE USMNT PLAYERS. See? That's great stuff right there. CONTROVERSY! Based on our research, roughly 20% of our audience fell asleep and didn't change the channel and another 5% are just watching to see what Lalas will say. It's a great time to be alive and Germans are here to steal USMNT spots from American born players! SEE, CONTROVERSIAL. LALAS! TUNE IN! DUBLO OUT!"

TNN spoke with Alexi Lalas and he had the following to say, "Haters are lovers in disguise. #KlinsmannKnows #AskLalas" 

45 Year Old US Soccer Fan Starts First Conversation With "Back In My Day"

Norfolk, VA - 45 year old Soccer fan David Gregory started a recent conversation with 16 year old nephew Charles Lattermore by utilizing the words, "Back In My Day". This turn of a phrase signified the first time Mr Gregory attempted to show young whippersnappers how it used to be for soccer fans in the United States.

"You don't know what it was like when soccer was the 4th sport in the US, the federation was dysfunctional, the men's team wasn't very good and the league was turning over and growing."

"I didn't know what I was doing at first, but the words came out of my mouth so fast. He was sitting there complaining about how there wasn't an MLS game on television until later in the afternoon and it just happened. 'BACK IN MY DAY,  we didn't even have games on TV, and you couldn't get any coverage in the news at all. Hell we didn't even have a league!' I then realized that this made me exceptionally old and that having lived through the bad-old-days of American soccer gave me a license to automatically register his complaints to that of a serial whiner."

Gregory stated that he used to have to catch soccer by watching the game on Soccer Made In Germany on PBS during the 80's, and that he had friends bring back newspapers from Europe if they visited during the 90's. "I was the only person on my street who subscribed to European magazines, but even then it was nearly impossible to follow any team in the United States before 1994. These young whippersnappers today don't know how good they have it, and because of this I'm going to make sure that they know they can never complain about soccer in the United States."

Not only that, but Mr Gregory stated that it is the mandate of every fan in the United States to not even try to fix things but rather to bask in the remembrances of storytellers like Mr Gregory himself who will educated children on the wasteland time of United States soccer. "These young punks don't know, and they shouldn't complain or try to fix anything. It's all good now regardless of how they think they can 'fix the league' or want some European setup to make things better. At least we can WATCH games now. DONT COMPLAIN YOU YOUNG PUNKS. All it takes is whiners and BAM.. we don't have a league and BAM... we are back in the dark ages again and BAM... it's just like the NASL all over again in every way. You don't even know. It just takes one person turning off the television and everything will very clearly revert back to 1981. This is why I give wholesale support to the idea of one league and Garber be praised. Now stop complaining you young whippersnappers."

.... Mr Gregory put a Werther's Original in his mouth here...

"Also, did I tell you about the time that Alexi Lalas played for Padova and we found about this 2 weeks later. It was a glorious time and we used to tie an onion to our belt as was the time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people get older and continue to complain about the youth of today, what with their cell phones and selfies. WHY DON'T YOU PULL YOURSELVES UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS AND STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT ALL THAT INSANE DEBT THAT YOU ARE IN ALL THE TIME? Why I bought my first house for $26,000 and walked both ways to school by the time I was 4 years old.

Carefully worded title meant to entice and/or enrage you enough to click the link

Editors Note: Ronald DePuy was a reporter for The Nutmeg News who covered Major League Soccer and the NASL. DePuy was recently divorced by his wife Claudia of 14 years and resigned from our news organization today. The Nutmeg News has accepted this column  and agreed to print it per his final request with our organization. Thanks for everything Ronald and all of us at The Nutmeg News wish you the best!

Today the owners of a soccer team made an announcement and in order to make enough money to meagerly feed ourselves and start to dream of paying off our journalism degrees, TNN has decided to write about it so that you’ll come visit the site. The team’s front office called all of us and let us know that they scheduled a gathering to talk about the change because it’s not like journalists actually line up outside the stadium every day waiting for something to happen. These things are all orchestrated and organized by the team itself in order to make it look like people actually care. Breaking news: they don’t.

“We are really excited,” he started, which is how these things always start. They think that by saying that “they are excited” that we’re supposed to just magically get excited but by this point the word has lost all meaning whatsoever. It’s 2015. You have to get comically vulgar in order to get anyone’s actual attention these days by saying something like: “On game day our new player is going to transform our floppy-cock team into boner-central with an erection that will last for 90 minutes or more. Now, who wants to line up to touch the cock?”

So it turns out the team hired a player from another country because the dollar’s buying power made it a huge bargain and it makes the player seem all foreign and mysterious. It’s about as foreign and mysterious as French Roast coffee. The only reason the player is here in MLS is because they either have a history of injuries or have just given up on life.  Anyway, this new player is supposed to be the goddamned messiah and everyone is supposed to line up for the forgiveness of sins circlejerk just before they plan on nailing him to a cross when the owners inevitably shift blame over to him to cover their own incompetency.

So go rack up more debt on your credit card and buy a team jersey with this guy’s name and number on it so you can come across it in your closet in a couple years and embarrassingly send it off to Goodwill. While you’re at it go buy a beer at the game that costs the equivalent of a six-pack of microbrews to forget about how shitty your life is for an afternoon and help fill the pockets of the team owners who have never worked a day of labor in their lives. Also be sure to pick up the latest team scarf so you can hang yourself with it when you do the math and figure out how much you’ve actually spent on a fucking sports team over the course of your life.

TNN will follow up with any new updates but you’re not going to be paying attention anyway so what’s it matter. If you’ve even gotten this far I’d be impressed. Sports news shit is so mundane and repetitive I don’t know how you people do it. If you spent half the time on following stock trends that you do on passing statistics you’d have enough money to buy your own soccer team to run into the ground. But whatever, thanks for viewing the page, that’s 5 cents for my kids college I can put in a jar.

Philadelphia Union To Crowd Source Goalkeepers

Philadelphia, PA - Despite having roughly 1,452,340,235 goalkeepers already signed to their roster, the Philadelphia Union have ended up with none after accidents on the training pitch and the continuing saga of their premier signing, M'bolhi, this season. As such, the Union have announced that they are turning control of their goalkeeper position over to the Philadelphia away fans who can come try out on Saturday about 10 minutes before the game in Vancouver.

Director of Public Relations, Steve Haner, had the following to say, "We don't care who you are or what you do, but if you want to come play keeper for the Union then COME ON DOWN! We were overloaded on keepers, but now we have a massive vacancy, somehow. This may seem unbelievably depressing if you are Union fan, but it shouldn't be. That's because YOU could be the keeper and this was really our plan all along, trust me.  So if you have two hands, two feet, and you are genetically predisposed to not freak out when a bunch of 175 pound men run at you as fast as humanely possible, then you could be the starting goalkeeper for the Union."

Mr. Haner also stated that the team is considering crowd sourcing a manager after they fire Jim Curtin for a whole wealth of situations that he couldn't really possibly control including the clownshoes way in which the team has been run recently, "It's important for us to continue the idea that we are just one coach away from having this right" said Haner "In that vein, expect us to wait til summer to fire Curtin and then we will find some smart janitor like that Good Will Hunting movie to run the team, or maybe we could find a plumber from Harrisburg, now THAT would be a feel good story."

TNN asked about the possibility of hiring a professional coach and Mr. Haner stated, "Well, we DO still have Nowak on speed dial."

Major League Soccer Announces Correction To Their Final Fantasy Soccer Gameplay

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a correction in their Final Fantasy Soccer game on Thursday after fan complaints about an overpowered wall/heal spell combination was leading to too many ties in their head to head league.

The director of Major League Soccer Mage Research and Advanced Blitz Techniques, Sandra Rogers, spoke to the press on a conference call, "We realized that we gave entirely too much emphasis to wall and heal spells, which lead to figurative teams drawing against each other thus negating the obvious benefits of winning in our league. We also realized that no one had decided to implement the private airship benefit for fast travel due to the financial restrictions it would place on your squad for 2 turns (weeks). So we turned down the effectiveness of wall and heal in order to emphasize aggressive, attacking options." 

MLS Final Fantasy player Jim Thorington agreed, "Man these games were boring with wall/heal. I used a phoenix down on Diego Valeri for the last game, just kept casting heal with my level 46 player Giovinco and walked out with a point against my bitter rival 'LEEEEEROYJENKSHEA420' in our head to head league."

Brek Shea is a chocobo in MLS Final Fantasy Soccer 1

Player Tiffany Randall had some of the same problems this week and shared her strategy with getting by, "My DPs were low on HP during the week as Keane was poisoned. I didn't have an antidote to fix him so he kept shedding HP, and I couldn't use break against my opponents regen spell, so I  just started holing up by using basic attacks and hoping that Zusi would get an assist so it would unlock my summon spell for Bradley Wright Phillips."

Not everyone is happy with the proposed changes though as player Frank Delebon indicated in his interview with us stating, "Fucking MLS, always nerfing the good stuff. What's next, devaluing the ability to get double xp by equipping your team with the exact kit they are wearing on that day? Lame. IT'S A TACTICAL GAME, PEOPLE."

Front Office Supporters Group Rebrand Ignites Ancient New York Rivalry

NEW YORK - Don Garber and representatives from Red Bull New York and New York City FC met with reporters today to discuss last minute changes to their supporters groups with the shadow of the derby game only a few days away.

“In light of the legendary match-up happening this Sunday between the only New York soccer teams,” said Garber “we thought we would take this opportunity to re-brand the supporters sections as a way to highlight the ancient rivalry between not only these two teams but the supporters as well. Not unlike the Celtic and Rangers rivalry whose rivalry goes beyond the soccer field, RBNY and NYCFC supporters have animosity going back generations with literal blood having been spilled between the two.”

Garber continued, “It is in this spirit that we have decided to re-brand their supporters sections. Starting today the Red Bull supporters group 'Empire Supporters Club' will now be known as the ‘Dead Rabbits’ and the NYCFC supporters group 'Third Rail' will now be known as the ‘Bowery Boys.’  We hope that this new branding will help to spark the kind of rivalry and passion that has been present for over a hundred years between the two groups.”

Garber then handed the microphone over to the head of the MLS Supporters Group Marketing division, Peter Briston. “In addition to the name change we have also decided to use this opportunity to unveil a new product for MLS, the Team Supporters Kit. These are designed specifically for supporters from each team to wear to show that they are not only fans of the team but also a dedicated supporter that is connected to the teams history via a purchase of $89.99.  Our first two supporters kits are designed for NYCFC and RBNY groups with the Dead Rabbits kit being off white with red hoops and the Bowery Boys being off white with blue hoops.”

Animosity exists between the two groups, even at the recent supporters kit unveiling.

Garber then began to accept questions from the press and was asked “How can you push this historical inaccuracy knowing full well that there are no ties with these teams to any kind of history at all especially the early city gangs that had a multi-generational rivalry?“  

Garber responded by having the reporter removed and then he addressed the remaining members of the press. “The same questions were asked when we unveiled the Philadelphia Union third kit that called back to Bethlehem Steel FC, a team that had no connection whatsoever to the Union. I say that we are clearly giving the people what they want as the sales numbers for the kit were amazing. Who cares if it’s historically accurate or not as long as it gets people excited.”

When asked for any final word before the big game on Sunday Garber replied, “This match-up is going to be legendary and we now have the supporters groups we want to get behind it and drive the energy of the match.  This is going to be a bigger sporting event than when Tyson fought Ali.“

Woman Enjoys Everything About Soccer Except The People Who Comment On Women's Soccer

Raleigh, NC - Soccer fan Victoria Albright found everything that she needed in the sport of soccer over the years including friends, passion, teamwork and a lifelong obsession. However, her turn into writing about the game that she loved skewed a bit dark as she found out how deep the idiocy is in the world of online banter, criticism and negativity that flows towards women who write about soccer.

JILL ELLIS -- JILL ELLIS -- JILL ELLIS

"Well, I knew it was bad. I mean it usually always is with the backhanded complements or the explaining of things that I've known about for nearly my entire life. However, I couldn't have predicted what would happen when I started writing about women's soccer, specifically the United States women's national team."

Albright started covering the team for a personal website project on the Women's World Cup and found that what she thought would be a respite from misogynist comments ended up being a vitriolic hellhole of personal attacks because of her opinion on United States National Team players.

"My god, the response to me writing about Chris Wondolowski was nothing compared the hate I received when I wrote about Alex Morgan, Sydney Leroux and Christen Press. I was flooded with Morgan and Leroux fans who, at best, called me un-american, hateful, unattractive and an idiot. Of course many of these missives were written in emoticon format and the vast majority were from accounts that seemed to be set up in a bizarre stalking ring of United States players; but I never knew that the obsession with our players was this bad."

Albright continued, "I mean it is positively scary sometimes at the level of devotion that these women and men have towards the team. You compare things about ex-players like Briana Scurry and Mia Hamm versus the current team and you are the devil. You say a critical thing about Abby Wambach and you are the devil. You say a critical thing about Alex Morgan and you might as well up the bandwidth on your site because people are coming for you. Cult of personality doesn't even begin to touch the obsession."

Albright stated that while this side of United States Women's soccer has been bad that it only pushes her to continue writing about the team as a whole. However she did say that she had one piece of social media in which she wasn't interested, "Tumblr, fuck that shit. It's scary."

Man Comes Out As Major League Soccer Supporter To His Parents

Lawrence, KS - Franklin Templeton Jr  recently admitted something to his parents that he never wanted to see the light of day. That is, that Mr Templeton  is a Sporting Kansas City and Major League Soccer supporter.

TNN spoke with Mr Templeton to find out his own perspective on the story, "I had to tell my parents. A friend of mine found me with a match being displayed on my cell phone that I was covertly watching when we went to a Royals game. He threatened to blackmail me and successfully did so for over a year. I couldn't take it anymore. The shame, the fear, the constant loathing of my own person, it was as destructive an environment as I could possibly have imagined. One time, I had to buy him Totino's pizza every week for over six months. It was horrible."

Templeton's parents were shocked to find out that their son was involved in the MLS lifestyle. 

"I never believed it" said father Frank Templeton Sr. "He was a good boy, I'll admit that he never really seemed interested in Baseball or Football growing up but I thought that was a phase and he would grow out of it. Seeing him like this, betraying his midwest values and going in with a league like Major League Soccer is something that really makes my stomach turn. If he was going to go in with a soccer league, he could have at least gone for a talented league like La Liga or the Premier League. When I was overseas during the war, my friends and I managed to sneak down to London and catch games together. The atmosphere was steamy, and the stands back then were all men. It was the good old days, but This... THIS... MLS? This is an abomination."

Mr Templeton's mother, Betty Sue Templeton, tried to mend the fences. "Well, I played soccer in college and I would come into the room when he was little and find him trying on soccer cleats. I knew there was always a chance. I mean some people are likely born a soccer fan. It is disappointing to me though because I'm not going to get to go to anymore Chiefs games with my son. He won't be giving me any more little football players, because he isn't into buying me the rare set of Hummel figurines of the Chief's greatest concussions anymore."

The biggest change of Mr Templeton's life came when he had to inform his best friend Donny Kasziemeric of his attachment and attraction to Major League Soccer. "What the hell was I supposed to do" Said Mr Kasziemeric. "We were in a fantasty football league together and now he is talking about Graham Zusi and Dom Dwyer. I just constantly think that he isn't paying attention to Marshawn Lynch's rushing statistics anymore and seems to be dreaming about the passing tempo of tiki taka. I'm an open minded guy, but I'm afraid that he is just going to try to push me into the Major League Soccer lifestyle. He keeps dropping hints about wanting to go to a game."

Fortunately, Mr Templeton found friends that are understanding and supportive within the Sporting Kansas City community. "I made friends in the Cauldron and at the tailgates on gameday. They understand what I  had to go through and we all hang out together. Some day I hope that my father can understand and maybe even attend a game with me. That way he can see that I'm happy and that's all that matters."

Clash Between NYCFC and RBNY Exposes "The Smoldering Detente Between The Rich And The Super Rich"

NEW YORK - While many are excited for the first installment of the New York derby, Major League Soccer (MLS) sociology professor Jacob Redlish has his own reason to be interested in the game. The Nutmeg News spoke with Professor Redlish at his office on the campus of New York University.

"This game highlights the smoldering detente between the rich (Red Bull New York) and the super rich (New York City FC). Between the two ownership groups we are speaking of a command of combined assets that approach half a trillion dollars or more. Now granted, Major League Soccer and the ownership groups within made it nearly impossible to spend even 1% of the ownership groups wealth on the team, but  even with these financial restrictions the command and destruction of the others assets are paramount to continue the underground war that exists between billionaires within sports."

Professor Redlish stated, as well, that the interests of the fans are subservient to the overarching interests that the two companies exert upon their franchises. "City Financial Group and Red Bull are both here to compete on a physical, a metaphysical, and an ethereal plane against each other. Both are in competition with regards to which organization has the least crappiest team in North America's second largest soccer league. These two organizations exist on a different plane than nearly any other sporting group in the United States. And I'm not using metaphors there, they actually have purchased branded soccer teams in the 5th dimension outside space and time."

TNN asked Professor Redlish about the clash between the fans and what this game might mean to the two groups. 

"What we have here is the classic clash between the Bronx, Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy, Jersey, Queens, and certain parts of Wall Street where the fans of both teams commute in to work at the Fedex affiliated shipping spot. It's the battle of 82nd street and 133rd ave versus 110th street and 66th ave. It will be complete chaos. Commuters will be feasting on the entrails of Halal carts, rivers will run with the blood of Sriracha. The Caracas Arepa Bar in Williamsburg will be forced to finally pick a side before being overrun by a collection of proto-punk NYC firm members from the Borough Boys who demand their fealty. We may.... MAY devolve into a hunter gatherer society bent upon subsistence on street meat and ornate trinkets from stalls on Canal Street. I, personally, am stocking up on bottled water, ammunition, seeds, cider, coupons for Chinese takeout, and maps of Central Park that I can sell to unwitting tourists for a haypenny."

The Nutmeg News will continue our investigation to the total collapse of New York City through the medium of soccer as it happens.

Houston Fan Goes Back On Promise To Be "Happy With Any Points At All" After Two Draws And a Loss

Houston, TX - Dynamo fan Laura Jurvisc recently updated her Facebook status on April 12th to state, "I'd be happy with any points at all". Jurvisc said this after looking at an away game to DC United and two tough games against FC Dallas and Sporting Kansas City. However, after two draws and a demoralizing loss against FC Dallas, Jurvisc went back on her promise and wasn't happy at all.

"I know what I said before, but this is just bullshit. Maybe it is the state of the fan to be unhappy all the time, but things were going well until that loss against Dallas. Now that 4-1 loss just takes all the shine off the two points that we had against DC United and Sporting Kansas City."

According to Facebook, Jurvisc was "Feelin Good!" the morning of the game against Dallas which later changed in the afternoon to "Hanging with the girls at the game!" and then later to "Ugh!" 

"I don't care what I said before, I'm not happy with just those two draws. Losing against Dallas sucks. You should never lose against your rivals, especially 4-1 at home. My Facebook promise be damned, I'm not happy and I don't care who knows that."

Ms. Jurvisc reportedly took to twitter later to blast the Dynamo for their inability to win against Dallas at home and battled her way through numerous comments before settling into a marathon of "Nashville" and half a six pack of Corona that she found in the back of the refrigerator.

"I know I've said it before, but I'd just be happy with a draw against San Jose and not losing terribly against Toronto  and three points against Portland. I don't think asking for 4 points from three games is asking too much. I'll be completely fine with that. Maybe even just two draws. I mean, just give me something. Is that too much to ask?"

Ms. Jurvisc later changed her Facebook status to "feeling positive, I'd be happy with a win in our next three games"

New England Revolution Supporters Group Banner Display Highlights Split Between Dadaists, Minimalists, and Appropriation Art

Foxborough, MA - Tensions between rival gangs of Dadists, Minimalists, Appropriation Art devotees and neo-conceptional post-revolutionary art punks (who primarily work in collage and mixed media) grew to a boil on Saturday as the Dadaists took direct aim at the Minimalists and Appropriation Art Collage Specialists for their betrayal of ideals.

Reportedly, the Dadaists took offense that the tifo display wasn't against intellectual conformity and while they approved of the collage method of combining Spanish and pre-revolutionary war graphics, they were against the usage of war and bull fighting iconography to make a point.

In retaliation, the Dadaists attached a drum to the tifo rigging for the display against Red Bull New York which was then hoisted high up into the air.

Drum On Netting - By Bourgeoisie Overreach - 2015

The Nutmeg News spoke with the leader of the New England Revolution Society A La Dada, a man who called himself Bourgeoisie Overreach. 

"We felt that the appropriation of culture may have been acceptable but the condoning of slaughter violated our own sensibilities. Our art is not necessarily anti-war, but we are indeed anti-art and this idea of "Drum On Netting" was built out of our need to express our hatred of the establishment and of the capitalistic sociopaths that run the coffers of our tifo, our club, and our country."

The Nutmeg News can also confirm that there was a split between the Art Appropriation Movement and the Minimalist movement within the tifo groups of New England after the minimalists wished to merely show a red piece of fabric as a way to open up the gateway of perception to those that appeared to need words and pictures to depict the act of bull fighting. 

This split has lead to two new factions in the Revolution tifo art scene. These two groups are comprised of the Art Minimalist Decoupage Socialists Anti-Fascist Collective who is directly positioned against the New Pop Art Anti-Fascist Pre-Postmodern Anarchy Society. Both groups will battle against each other for control of the space between the fonts going forward on Revolution tifo and for control of the type of free white zinfandel served at the art installation after party.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this new art battle in Boston as it happens.

Fans Excited For The Release Of The Theoretical MLS Roster Rules Which Don't Matter

Fans the league over expressed their excitement at the upcoming release of the 2015 Major League Soccer Theoretical Roster Rule Loose Knit Framework Of Exceptions And Holes Which Will Change Very Quickly When They Need To Change Them.

"I'm very excited" said Linda Koswalski, an Orlando City fan. "I'm trembling with anticipation at the ability to read and then immediately disregard all the information contained within"

TNN spoke with FC Dallas fan Darrel Rundell, "Well, I for one am excited to see the methods they come up with to invalidate this loose knit framework of theoretical exceptions. Just imagine when MLS gets a chance to sign someone like Giovani dos Santos or Javier Hernandez. They are gonna violate these rules so fast that it makes our head spin."

Administrators with MLS message boards such as reddit, big soccer and SB Nation blogs say that they have already upgraded their server space in order to deal with the insane rants and expositions that will come from fans who think they have a handle on the roster rules..

Montreal fan Juila Deveraux stated, "This is exciting because it gives everyone a chance to complain about a collection of rules that are less valuable than the ones and zeros that are used to encode them digitally. There's a decent chance that by the time they are released this weekend that there is an ownership committee working to violate them. It's an exciting time to be alive."

The Nutmeg News will have more reactions after the roster rules are released.

Blogger Waits 24 Hrs For Hot Take On CONCACAF Champions League

Cambridge, MA - Blogger Rick Witzel decided to wait 24 hours before posting his hot take screed on the importance of the CONCACAF Champions League and what is wrong with Major League Soccer.

"I knew that it might maximize the amount of eyeballs that are reading my piece" said Witzel, who is a 43 year old accounts receivable clerk for the fourth largest trundle bed manufacturer in Cambridge.

"I thought about it and I knew that if I posted my story immediately after it would be lost in the massive amount of hot takes that were circulating around immediately after the game. So I waited 24 hours to make sure that people would be able to read the truth, which is only what I write."

Witzel decided to take up writing about soccer after his brother in law took him to a friendly between the USA and Eastern Timor. "That game was amazing, and I just knew when I watched the game that I knew the game. I also knew that other people should know that I knew what I knew about knowing the game so I started my blog, www.RickWitzelisRight.com. I know that what I know about the CONCACAF Champions League is new and special, and I know that Major League Soccer is going to read this and see the light. This information is important, it is necessary."

Witzel's screed on the CONCACAF Champions League and Major League Soccer included 46 graphs and 10000 words. The Nutmeg News will follow up with Mr. Witzel when we finish reading Chapter 6 of his manifesto entitled, "Simon Borg Is a Replicant Information Dissemination Machine"

Man Finds That Unrelenting And Unyielding Optimism Is The Best Way To Cover His Lack Of Knowledge About Soccer

Philadelphia, PA - Stephan Smith, a Philadelphia Union fan, has found that unrelenting optimism about the Union is the best possible way to cover up the fact that he doesn't really know anything about the game he watches every weekend.

"I'll be honest. I don't know much about the game. I still say 'offsides', I still think that playing FIFA on X-Box will allow me to figure out a real life club transfer system, and I don't really have a clue what any of the players are doing on the field at any given moment. However, I've decided that the way I can cover up my lack of knowledge is to just be positive, all the time. When the team acquires a new player, it is very clear to me that he is going to be the best player ever. When the team loses a game it is very likely not their fault and they will absolutely win the next one. When the goalkeepers we acquired don't pan out, we just need to give them more time." said Smith.

"We should give our ownership and management more time because they are always right, and because owning a team is tantamount to decree of high soccer intelligence when it comes to the decision making process. We should give all our players more time, because our ownership and management that is always right picked them and if our ownership and management is always right, then the players they pick must be the best possible players available. I had a friend who was really into international soccer who informed me that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. As this is the best of all possible worlds, then every decision that the front office makes is for the best. To challenge this assumption is to categorically state that not all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds and if we cant think that all is for the best at all times, then how are we to stay unrealistically optimistic all the time?"

TNN asked Smith about twitter and his use of the format that is often used for "hot take" opinions and negativity.

"Well, I believe that through my example of positive thinking and perpetual optimism that I can convince others that they are supporting the team wrong because so many fans are supporting their teams wrong. Criticism is silly, there is always a reason why the critical people are wrong and why their criticism is absurd. They aren't the front office and the front office knows what to do. If the fans were the front office, they wouldn't be able to run anything, because everyone knows that these unqualified people who have watched soccer for 25 years know far less about the game than a venture capitalist who raised 200 million dollars to buy a 55 percent share in the team.

When the negative and critical fans can begin see all the positive things, like the fact that we can attend games and be alive and free in the greatest country in the world instead of being beaten by sugar cane and bamboo by terrorists in a dungeon somewhere feasting on the entrails of rats, then they can begin to extrapolate that against the fact that if they love life, the front office loves life, the team loves life, that they are all living in the harmony of the best of all possible worlds. If this is possible then any result is an opportunity for relentless positive thought, even a loss."

11 Years Later, Crew Fan Still Mad About Cory Gibbs

Columbus, OH - 11 years after the fact, Columbus Crew fan Andrew Dowser is still mad and confused about the way that the Columbus Crew lost out on Cory Gibbs.

Trigger Warning!

"It still doesn't make any sense to me, although not many things that happened around that time really do. Gibbs? Tony Sanneh? Tony Sanneh missing that freaking penalty kick? Ross Paule missing that penalty kick? Allocation? Super Allocation? I still don't even know what really happened even 11 years later. Someone told me 36 different variations of Dallas having 400k of allocation money and LA passing on using their slots and it all just still kinda pisses me off. When kids tell me about Clint Dempsey and the variable rules of Major League Soccer today, I roll my eyes and tell them about the time when we didn't have any coverage at all and Crew fans just had to deal. We spent nearly every waking moment waxing rhapsodic about journeyman players that played in Europe who might want to play for $75,000."

While the time hasn't healed all wounds, Mr Dowser expressed his one regret, "I regret that I didn't have a chance to post more inflammatory comments about the Gibbs situation on big soccer. I mean back in those days you could really let lose and my goodness was there a bunch of topics beaten to death on Gibbs, McBride and even Danny Szetela. Speaking of which, I hear that Danny is running a Sbarro in New Jersey somewhere."

When informed that Szetela is actually now playing for the New York Cosmos, Dowser had the following to say, "Well I guess he finally made it to New York after all."