Abby Wambach Really Hopes Her NWSL Decision Overshadows Magic Jack Silence

Portland, OR - In an exclusive interview with The Nutmeg News, Abby Wambach confided that she really hopes that her decision to stop playing in the NWSL will whip up enough controversy to cover up the time where she didn't speak out or stand up for her teammates when the owner of Magic Jack was sexually harassing and demeaning players for Magic Jack.

Wambach started by saying, "I was thinking, whats a way that I could cover up the largest stain on my career. Then I realized that I could simply stop playing in the NWSL and that (in conjunction with other international players deciding to stop) would possibly bring down the league. I mean, bringing down a women's league in the United States has to be orders of magnitude worse than simply not saying anything about the abuses that went on with Dan Borislow and Magic Jack. So what if he sent an email to all the players asking them to call him 'Daddy'? So what if he threatened to remove his financial backing, which would collapse the league, if we didn't cooperate with his insane demands?  So what if he promised to help injured players only to later recant on his promises which made players actually have to pay for their own MRI's?

Look, even though players like Ella Masar eventually felt bad for not speaking up, I plan on never saying anything about Magic Jack. I mean, I was the player coach there so I may have had just a hint of responsibility, but NOW all anyone can talk about my legacy is potentially killing the NWSL and never winning the World Cup." 

When asked if she understood that she was contributing to the potential slow death of the NWSL with her faux-retirement Wambach said, "Oh who cares. Other than Portland and Seattle, this league is a shithole. I hope I end up playing a year in Barcelona for some money instead of trying to jog around a plastic field during the middle of the summer. I mean, seriously, who cares?"

Ali Curtis Announces That He Will Just Take Over Everything

Harrison, NJ - Ali Curtis, Sporting Director for Red Bull New York, has unveiled page 200 of his 300 page plan to run Red Bull New York at a press conference Thursday.  On that page it is written, "I am just going to do everything myself. #YOLO"

ARTIST RENDERING

Curtis then revealed that he has taken over the Technical Director position after removing Ricardo Campos from the position. Curtis also announced that he would be taking over the web production department, season ticket sales, mascot, travel coordinator, concessions on game day, the Red Bull New York twitter account, guiding patrons off the path train to Red Bull Arena, stadium security, groundskeeper, announcer, director of marketing, personal trainer to Luis Robles, and head of all supporters relations for the entire stadium. 

"There's no one better than me to run everything at Red Bull Arena. When you need something, see me. Need a beer? I'm your man. Need a gif for your twitter account? I'm making it now. Need a player to fill the midfield? I'm scouting him in Eastern Timor. Need a person to mow the grass into the shape of a sex toy? I'm there.", said Curtis

Curtis reportedly got the idea when he was assigned a book report on "The Grapes of Wrath" in high school and instead of reading the whole thing he just skipped around a few chapters before settling on the quote from the character Tom Joad that would drive his life forward

"Wherever they’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever they’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there" - The Grapes Of Wrath

Curtis then revealed that he will also be the third goalkeeper for the Red Bulls and will be coaching the team when he inevitably fires Jesse Marsch in 10 months. 

"It's important to have the continuity and trust that I have in myself at all positions and eventually it will be important that I am in all positions. All your base are belong to me. ALL OF IT! HASHTAG YOLO", said Curtis before he guffawed in a way that seemed a bit evil and then left the podium without taking comments.

New Podcast Adds To The Cluttered Landscape of Half-Dead Podcasts

Lexington, KY - Soccer lover James Hiberdon decided to start a new soccer podcast focused on the North American game before realizing how much work it is and abandoning it.

"My goal was to finally have an honest discussion with people about the game in the United States, but I had to find equipment and record and try to find guests and I couldn't get past 100 followers on twitter. It was all just so very depressing", said Hiberdon.

This was Hiberdon's third attempt at starting a podcast but he considers it a victory, "well the other two we never even got out of the planning stage, I mean we just sat around and argued about what the name of the podcast was going to be and that broke up the first group. With the second podcast, we didn't have anyone who could figure out the encoding and uploading portion so we just bagged that. However, the THIRD podcast was a glorious phoenix of information for 3 and a half episodes before we just got bored and frustrated."

Hiberdon still managed to harangue people on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook and even Google + to listen his podcast for weeks after the podcast was dead in a hope that he could attract an audience with the back catalog of 3 shows. "People just don't know how good it could be. My voice and perspective is important. To replace podcasting, right now, I'm going to go into writing user submitted columns to SB Nation. There I should be able to build up my listener base, and I know that everyone will get to see my unique perspective and want more."

Billy Beane Loves Money And Hates Soccer

Oakland, CA - Despite the unparalleled stupidity of the Moneyball philosophy practiced by most clubs (as defined by the attempt to find value pickups while simultaneously giving a team the ability to claim poverty as well as underdog status and forcing the fans of that team to be content with being mired in mediocrity) Billy Beane is still finding gainful work in a field he knows absolutely nothing about.

America's great export to the world of branded sports portfolio management recently was hired at dutch club AZ Alkmaar where he will almost certainly be let go with little fanfare in about a year or two.

"I know very little about the statistical nuances of soccer, but what I do know is the way to make a millionaire or billionaire feel better about investing small amounts of money in the club he bought as a play toy or investment so that he can theoretically compete against other millionaires and billionaires.", said Beane.

"No one wants to be embarrassed when they are at the heli-skiing lodge in Canada that their sports portfolio is under performing, that's why Moneyball is here. We exist to make everyone feel better about their investments by allowing rich men to tell poor men that they don't have enough money to compete with other rich men in a way that makes poor men feel smart and involved with statistics."

TNN will continue to cover Beane's ascension to ridiculous demi-god status for sports nerds who care less about the beauty of the game and more about the slow strangulated death by garrote of the beauty of soccer by statistical analysis as Beane attempts to learn how to quantify a Cruyff turn in an excel spreadsheet datapoint, as it happens.

Cristiano Ronaldo To Play For Money

NEW YORK - Cristiano Ronaldo went on record, on Tuesday, as saying that at some day he may take a large pay day to preen around the fields in Miami and play for a team that doesn't even exist.

At his announcement house in Manhattan, atop a recently renovated children's orphanage, Ronaldo made an announcement that at some point in the future he would likely consider playing at certain locations in the United States.

"There's a lot of money in the United States and I would like some. I've already taken a lot of money in Spain and England. However, there appears to be a lot more money in the United States." said Ronaldo.

Despite a degenerative knee condition called tendonosis and frequent hip issues, the Portuguese start said that he is only 30 right now. In about 6 years when David Beckham finally has some kind of team and community goodwill he can come over and cash a few hundred million and play to the admiring crowds. 

"When you are the king, it is good to cash in. Just ask Pele!" said Ronaldo. "I've wanted to play for Miami ever since I heard about them two minutes ago. The money sounds good, the money sounds good, and the money sounds good. Also, the beaches are great for my tan and I'll have a stipulation in my contract that says I never have to play on the road. I'm all on board for the Miami Fighting Golden Balls SC sponsored by MAACO."

TNN reached out to David Beckham with no response.

Denver Polling Reveals That Most People Want To Raft Rapids Not Watch Them

Denver, CO - Recent polling in Colorado reveals that the Major League Soccer team, The Colorado Rapids, are about as well known as actual whitewater rapids in the state. The Nutmeg News canvased different neighborhoods in the Denver area to gauge whether or not the residents of Denver even knew that they had a soccer team at all and received the following responses.

"Are you here to talk about the Broncos?" - James Randolph- Littleton, CO

"Peyton Manning is GOD!" - Steven Kenniworth - Parker, CO

"Soccer is for kids that can't make it as a defensive lineman." Ed Parenti - Highlands Ranch, CO

"I went to the stadium once for a Kenny Chesney concert." - Peter Northcutt - Denver, CO

"Hell yes I want a trip to go run some Rapids. Oh, what? No, I'm busy that weekend." - Gary Kimbell - Cherry Creek, CO

"Soccer? I love the sport. My team? Real Madrid!" - Andy Williamson - (LoDo) Denver, CO

Out of the 100 people that we spoke with that did indicate a love for the game of soccer, TNN asked those soccer lovers to name 11 Colorado Rapids players. Only five named a current player with 10 naming former player Pablo Mastroeni. When informed that the only team in Colorado to win a championship in the last 14 years was the Rapids, the response overwhelmingly was "Well, It's only soccer. It doesn't count."

TNN reached out to Stan Kroenke, owner of the Rapids, and received the following response, "I own the Colorado Rapids?"

Sporting Kansas City Petitions For Re-Admittance Into MLS East

Kansas City, KS - After realizing that playing in the Western Conference of Major League Soccer (MLS) is like a tense,  joyless slaughterhouse; Sporting Kansas City petitioned Major League Soccer to let them back into the Eastern Conference.

"They told us that we would enjoy the change of pace, but I'm already missing the 6 opportunities to play against Orlando and NYCFC and the 3 opportunities to play against a New England side that looks thinner than paper left out in the rain", said head coach Peter Vermes. "And Montreal, Chicago... I mean I'm just thoroughly heartbroken that we don't get 6 games against them either." 

Rumblings from inside the locker room reveal the same thing, "When we were in the East, we could pencil ourselves in for a playoff spot with frequent regularity. Now we are at the bottom of the Western Conference after two games looking up", said one player who asked not to be identified.

"Man, Fuck This shit. Can we go play Chicago again?", said another unidentified player.

While getting ready for next week, the team can at least look forward with some hope. They play at home against a Portland side that is only one point ahead of Kansas City for last place. Rumors have swirled that Merritt Paulson attempted to apply for the same transition to the Eastern Conference stating, "I don't care how it happens, I'd just like to win a freaking game in March."

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 3-9-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of March 9th, 2015.

In response to "Did Clint Dempsey Dive?" the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 64% of the vote, the majority of you said 

YES - I am a Timbers fan

This was followed up in second place by ENOUGH - I hate CASCADIA Circle Jerks and MAYBE - I'm a New England Fan With A Dempsey Revolutions Kit In My Closet And I'm Very Torn About This Whole Thing, which was accidentally split into two categories when intern Trevor Billings put "Revolutions" instead of "Revolution" in the survey answer title. Trevor has since been fired and is now playing a defensive midfielder position for the Revolutions.

American Outlaws Reach Out To Female Fans

Omaha, NE - In response to the public outcry over the scathing article about the American Outlaws (AO) that, among other claims, alleged a severe lack of respect for female fans including an incident of unwanted fondling, the American Outlaws organization today has announced that they will begin a new PR campaign to try and not only draw in new female fans but to also repair relationships with the old.

Bruce Ternasky, a representative from the American Outlaws, met with TNN at the Omaha Hooters ‘restaurant’ to go over their new strategy to try and mend fences. “The ladies are super important to us and we have got to have them in here on game day, bro. We don’t want the AO to turn into a giant sausage fest, you know what I’m saying?” He illustrated this point by touching the tips of his index fingers together and slowly shaking his head.

We then asked Mr. Ternasky to expound upon their proposed two-pronged approach to increasing the female membership in the group. “Well first off we want to encourage the chicks we do got to help by bringing all their girlfriends along to support the USMNT. So we came up with a plan to reward members by giving them membership discounts if they bring a new friend who signs up. We are calling this campaign: ‘Does She Have A Sister?’ and we think it will be awesome at bringing in fresh meat, I mean members.”

Credit to www.twitter.com/MLSist

Mr. Ternasky paused momentarily to do three ‘Jager-bombs’ and then continued. “As for the girls who we chased off? Look, these girls have got to know that we didn’t really mean it, it’s just supporting the team, it didn’t mean anything. It’s not a great excuse but when there’s a lot of drinking going on we’re going say and do things we regret later on. We’re sorry and we just want a chance to make it up to them. That’s why we created the second campaign called “Aw, Come On Baby, You Know We Loves You” designed to specifically bring back those we have hurt in the past. We’re going to treat all those ladies so much better this time, we just need another chance. We’re going to wine ‘em, dine ‘em, and sixty-nine ‘em.”

After finishing a Corona, Ternasky then got up and left, leaving TNN to pick up the tab.

A&E Beat: Sandler And Schneider Confirm Tigres Movie Rumor?

San Nicolas de los Garza, MX - Rumors of the long awaited buddy comedy "Pride Of The Tigres" based upon Tigres Futbol warmed up today as rabid Tigres fan and comedian extraordinaire, Rob Schneider, posed in a picture with buddy comedian Adam Sandler, seemingly confirming the long rumored picture.

TNN A&E Reporters were able to speak to an inside movie studio source on the matter.

“We couldn’t be happier about the upcoming flick with Schneider and Sandler! Though it is slated to come out in late 2016, the entire filmworld is abuzz about this project. The basic premise is that the movie is a bizarro world 'Pride Of The Yankees', except without any of the depressing Lou Gehrig's disease nonsense at the end. 

Rob Schneider is a simple American who is hit on the head while trying to shop at a Wal-Mart for branded Ford Products and well placed Coca-Cola products and he wakes up in the body of a Tigres Futbol player. Meanwhile, Schnieder’s buddy (played by Sandler) is in San Nicolas de los Garza on a business trip and he finds out that Schneider has been body transplanted, so they figure out a way to win the league with the smarts of two middle class guys from the USA and the talent of a kid from Mexico, while also finding hijinks and love.”

TNN: "Don't you feel that utilizing even the framework of Pride of the Yankees is inherently offensive for the millions of people with ALS as well as the memory of Lou Gehrig?"

MS: "Of course not, that's why we are eliminating the disease part of the movie and setting it in Mexico. No one wants to watch human suffering and pathos. They want boobs and explosions and laughs and dramatic scenes cut into slow motion that make us realize how close a team is to losing before they win in a funny way."

TNN: "All that aside, isn't the basic premise of the film relatively  stupid, far fetched, and extremely patronizing?"

MS: "Probably! But hell, we made Deuce Bigalow 2: European Gigolo and even that pile of shit made 22 million gross at the box office.”

American Outlaws Leaders to Noah Davis, "Why Do You Hate America, Bro?"

Lincoln, NE - After the publication of Noah Davis' expose into the American Outlaws (which you can find here) the Lincoln, Nebraska headquartered US Supporters group released the following statement.

"Hey Noah-Dog,

Why do you hate America (the greatest country on the face of the planet), bro? Bro's don't rat on bros, bro. Like if I wanted to go over there to that dope chica and hit all up on that sweet punani, a true bro wouldn't cock-block me. Why you gotta cock-block us from loving all up on the greatest country on the face of the planet, the United States of America (the greatest country on the face of the planet). It is our right to make sure that all those immigrants know that when they come to the US, that they can only love the US. Look,  the fact that my grandpa came over from Denmark over 70 years ago clearly makes me feel far superior to the Mexican kid whose dad tried to come over to the USA (USA USA USA) 20 years ago.

So what if we encourage extreme, near comatose levels of drinkings from our membership before games. So what if no one knows where the money goes from their membership, scarves and travel packages. So what if we used to sing racist songs at Mexican fans before other fans called us out on the fact that they existed. So what that despite the fact that we have a "code of conduct" the way in which we set up our events will almost certainly make it probable that our red, white and blue covered fratboys will violate our code of conduct in every measurable fashion. Look it's our right to make bombastic jingoistic statements about this country.

And that story from that chic? Pfft, Whatever bro. Look, everyone knows that females don't know anything about soccer. That's why when we actually DO attend US Women's games we had members singing about which members of the US Women's team they wanted to bone. You know, for the love of our country, bro.

American Outlaws (greatest supporters group in the greatest nation on the planet) are still going strong. We are partnering not only with local chapters but we are starting a new initiative set into motion by a prospective member Tyler Goodbody from Norman, Oklahoma. We will be partnering with local fraternities to attempt to bring more of the Greek culture to our ranks. While a previous partnership  has now very recently (and unfortunately) fallen through, we can announce our partnership with AO Phi Lamda Chi at the University of Oklahoma and AO Sigma Phi Epsilon at the University of Nebraska.

We are also proud to announce AO SPRINGBREAK CANCUN 2016 with travel packages available for pre-order! GET YOUR DRINK ON. WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP. Meet 100's of beautiful betties and get your swerve on! Sponsored by Axe Body Spray and Slippery Pete's Strip Club of Cancun!

To end,

Be a bro, bro.

America

Fuck Yeah."

The Nutmeg News was unable to get comment from the University of Oklahoma regarding the partnership with Phi Lambda Chi.

Editor UPDATE:

The Nutmeg News was able to receive a response from AO Phoenix who recently posted a diatribe about the Davis story insinuating that the story was a communist plot.

The response by AO Phoenix was:

TNN will have more on this as it develops.

Cuban Cosmos Fans Get Ready For Visit

Havana, CU - Cuban fans of the New York Cosmos are prepared to welcome Pele and the New York Cosmos to Cuba as the island prepares for the Cosmos visit in June to play the Cuban national team.

"We are very ready to see the great masters of United States soccer at work", said Pedro Garces, Cuban Director Of Sport. "Our last club visitor was the Chicago Sting in 1978, and the Cosmos were at the pinnacle of United States soccer at that time. We are excited to welcome the biggest club team in the biggest league to Havana."

Unaware of the death of the NASL, the move to MLS and the retirement of all the NASL Legends Mr Garces soldiered on in his comments, "We are excited to see what the free market enterprise of North America has brought in terms of league stature and players. We are certain that it will be the best of what the United States and even the world has to offer. One can only imagine what has changed and improved in 37 years."

When told about the league structure of Major League Soccer, the demise of the NASL, and the Cosmos place in history Mr Garces said, "You haven't even gone communist with this new league, you have just gone crazy! But it would help me again if you could explain this Allocation money?"

Woman Determined To Show Support For Her Timbers Infects 1000s With Flu

Portland, OR - Gennifer Rodriguez was reportedly so determined to "support her boys" and "be there for the club" that she rallied to go to the recent Timbers v Real Salt Lake Game despite a pretty severe flu. "Well, I knew that I needed to be there, I needed to show that I was stuck in and I felt good enough after a few drinks to make myself convinced that I could make it through the game", said Ms Rodriguez.

Thousands of fans in Portland that were in the vicinity of Ms Rodriguez reported flu like symptoms that developed into fever and debilitating body aches over the course of the next 4 days. 

As the supporters section known as the Timbers Army is general admission, Ms. Rodriguez wandered among all the sections to visit all of her friends. She gave them hugs and even shared a few beers with them.

"I don't care how many people I infect, I'm going to be there for my Timbers. Even if I infect the entire Timbers Army, I'm going to be there for my Timbers. Even if I end up with Bronchitis and end up in the hospital, I'll be there for the Timbers", said Ms Rodriguez.

Record Hangovers Begin To Fade, Fans Return To Anticipating Next Matches

New York, NY - A severe upturn in hangover levels gripped the nation Monday after the MLS first kick weekend, and fans are starting to feel the effects finally fade and are beginning to ponder a return to alcohol consumption this upcoming weekend.

Hangover analyst Scott Fletcher met with TNN to discuss the weekends events and provide commentary on the data his company had collected. “We had a perfect storm that resulted in a massive sobriety deficit followed by one of the worst hangover downturns we’ve ever seen. Fans knew that it was MLS opening weekend and knew it was Daylight Savings but somehow they didn’t factor in the ramifications of combining the two. In addition many parts of the country were experiencing unusually warm weather which we found created a spike in the day-drinking markets. All of our leading hangover indicators showed that a drastic crash was going to occur but we just didn’t pay attention.”

Fans took to social media on Monday and began to announce their displeasure at the resulting cataclysm and announced their plans to give up drinking altogether. “I had my social media team working day and night,“ Fletcher continues, “and they were finding a surprisingly high amount of keywords and hashtags pointing to ‘shit faced’ on Saturday and Sunday with a huge increase of ‘feeling like shit’ on Monday. We also saw data showing users abstaining from soccer related news and sites on Monday and we even began to pick up on chatter about fans being done with soccer in general and not really seeing the fun in it anymore.”

While the Monday crash was indeed one of the worst on record  Fletcher and his team began to see the effects from the crash almost all but alleviated on Tuesday morning. “We’re now seeing fans already starting to come back around and make jokes about drinking again. While these humorous messages usually have disparaging replies the messages are favorited and retweeted indicating that we can most likely predict another surge in inebriation levels again this coming weekend. Our prediction is that people will swear that they are going to take it easy and not over do it like last weekend but after a couple days have passed and we enter the weekend things will return to normal.”

FC Dallas Blogger Bases Entire Self Worth Around Blogging

Dallas, TX - Writer, blogger and account manager for Frito Lay, Sam Denison, has reportedly become more and more wrapped up in blogging as an identity, according to friends. 

"All he does is write about the team. I mean it isn't like he actually gets paid to do it", said ex-girlfriend Teresa Bain.  "One day he got to write for the SB Nation blog 'Big D Soccer' and then the next day he was talking about interchanging 6's and 4's and which possession statics were relevant."

We spoke with Denison's friend Robert Whitner who had the following to say, "We used to go to games and drink a beer and cheer for our favorite players and boo the guys we didn't like. Now he has a tick mark notepad with certain statistical variables that he marks off for specific moments in the game. He said that cheering for Dallas would betray his impartiality. He has recently even started to lobby to get up in the reporters booth, and he ditched me at the end of the game so he could go interview a 4th string center back from Paraguay that the team was trialing." 

TNN managed to speak to Mr. Denison about these accusations, "Well, I feel like my voice needs to be heard. What I have to say is important. I got 10 re-tweets on a recent story about statistical evidence of backpassing in the modern game as it relates to Dallas teams, but not as it relates to the Sidekicks. I mean this is only a first step for me as a writer. As soon as I get access to the sideline and the booth, then I'll be able to get on with Major League Soccer's official website and I'll never have to write anything critical again."

When asked about the negative effect this has on his relationships with his friends Mr. Denison had the following to say, "If they loved me, they would read my esoteric 3000 word piece on long ball passing and how effective it is as it relates to the modern game, totaalvoetbal, and Rinus Michels in 1965."

Clint Dempsey Ritualistically Bathing In The Blood Of BAAL

Nacogdoches, TX - As was revealed on the broadcast of New England Revolution v Seattle Sounders, Clint Dempsey took some time this winter to hunt down and ritualistically slaughter hogs in Texas. The Nutmeg News was able to locate his guide service and speak to them on the condition of anonymity.

"Look, we get a lot of clients here. People that want to kill for the sport, people that want to kill because they think they will eat the meat, people that even want to help control the hog population, however we have never had a person show up like Dempsey until the day he walked across our threshold.", said the anonymous guide for Texas Hog Hunting LLC. 

"He came in completely shirtless with two Bowie knives, one in each hand, and a bandana around his head and he wanted to be left alone. When we tried to convince him that he needed a guide he said that a guide could come, but could not speak. He then proceeded to run around on foot, until he repeatedly stabbed a hog screaming 'YOU MADE THIS HAPPEN, KLINSMANN'. He then dipped his fingers into the running rivers of hog blood, smeared it across his face in a pattern of camouflage and yelled 'THE DAY OF RECKONING IS AT HAND. BAAL WILL RISE AGAIN' before vanishing into the underbrush. It took us four days to track him down and get him to come out of cave that he found."

Reports from neighboring counties indicate that people could hear a splitting howl while Dempsey had vanished on the hog hunt. Parents in the area reportedly told their children "go to bed, or Dempsey will gut you like he did that hog!"

TNN will have more on the ritualistic slaughter of pig parts by Clint Dempsey as it happens.

Red Bull Supporter Ready For Season Despite Doctor’s Concerns

Harrison, NJ - New York Red Bull supporter Chet Fitzgerald is ready to give his all this year in support of his team despite stern warnings from his doctor that he refrain from doing so.

“Red Bulls have a big year this year.” Fitzgerald says. “We’ve got NYCFC to compete with now so we have to prove that us soccer fans over here in Jersey are the best fans in all of New York. The only way I’m going to be able to keep my energy up and go full out is to keep hammering down beers the whole game like I’ve done every game. I owe it to this club to give my all and my all doesn’t show up until after the fourth beer.”

He went on to discuss his drinking strategy. “I like to take a break from drinking right after the Superbowl and will only have like four or five Yuenglings a day in order to give my body and liver some time to rest. Near the end of February I start to throw in some Jagerbombs every now and then which is my version of interval training. By early March I’m able to down six shots of Jack and then drink six beers in ninety minutes, which is exactly how it goes down on game day.”

TNN spoke with Fitzgerald’s doctor, Dr. Peter Ambrose, who informed us of his concerns. “Chet needs a liver transplant.” After presenting Dr. Ambrose with Fitzgerald's drinking strategy he had the following to say, “With this kind of dedication to his team I won’t put him on a transplant waiting list any time soon as I need him to go a month without drinking. The only time I’ve seen him sober was after last year’s game against DC United when he was being treated for severe alcohol poisoning and was unconscious and in a near comatose state. The strangest thing was that he wouldn’t stop chanting or singing even though his EEG readings were at near brain-death levels. While I can’t condone this abuse he heaps upon himself I have to admit that I’ve never seen anything like this before and it seems that his fandom stems from sub-consciousness levels.”

When asked about his doctor's concern Fitzgerald said, “No. There’s no way I’m quitting. I owe it to my Bulls to give them my all on game day. They are down there giving everything they have physically and the very least I can do in response is give everything I physically have. I’m not letting something stupid like liver failure stop me from singing the boys on to victory.”

TNN asked Fitzgerald to comment on his bloodshot and jaundiced-yellow eyes. “I’m red and yellow through and through. You’re just seeing into my soul.“

Deciphering The Start To The Season

It can be difficult to decipher the start to the MLS Season, but have no fear. The Nutmeg News is here to illuminate what you should be feeling right now after only one game in the season. We convened a panel of experts from prestigious universities in the Ural Mountains to coalesce a game plan for the modern fan as they go through the season.

IF YOUR TEAM WON

You clearly have the best fans in the league, the best team in the league, the best players in the league, and the best coach in the league. This is probably of all time as well, because your win was that dominant. Nothing will ever change your dominance and all your games will be this easy going forward. Your bloggers had an easy time deciphering the game plan and your fan base is buoyed by this performance. 

PREDICTION: Start booking MLS Cup right now. Your team will finish the season undefeated. Start talking about "the quad trophy win" incessantly.

IF YOUR TEAM DREW

You team likely played decently for portions of the game but the excuse used for not winning is one or all of the below

1. Unlucky
2. Conspired Against By The Referees
3. Injured
4. Not Entirely Sure What They Were Doing/New System
5. Hot Keeper
6. Shit Field/Conditions

Which prevented your team from getting the full three points. This game was probably difficult to break down because of the nuance that comes from either two bad teams, two good evenly matched teams, or two teams with a ton of rust throughout their system. Nearly everyone will spin the draw (as it is the first game) as a positive though because you didn't lose, except for that old crotchety guy who was seen too many draws and wants you to know that this season is lost. Remember to use the following formula when complaining on twitter "We were unlucky to not get three points because of XXX"

PREDICTION: You might make the playoffs but it is an uphill battle. Every game is now important. Start talking about how you just need a few more pieces to compete.

IF YOUR TEAM LOST

Everything sucks, your team sucks, that player who gave up the goal sucks, your team is going to lose every single game this season, and you are going to do so by giving up simplistic goals. You don't know what happened to that high priced acquisition, but he was terrible and your bloggers are either trying to spin dog turds into gold or are hailing the end of days by supping on the blood of the innocent.

It is likely that a blogger or reporter wrote "It looks like it is going to be a long season if TEAM X doesn't fix PROBLEM Y" 

PREDICTION: Start booking your trip to the bar for consolation drinks and bathe yourself in the remembrance of success long since past. This season will likely be a death march that involves allegations of intra-squad issues and your coach being fired with 10 games left in the season.

TNN Fan Spotlight: Dolores Stephens

Orlando, FL - TNN Fan Spotlight for the week of March 9th, 2015 is Orlando City Fan Dolores Stephens who managed to somehow irritate everyone within a 5 foot radius of her on Sunday after telling mass groups of people "Think About The Children" and "God didn't give you a tongue for profanities" when they started swearing. 

"Why won't they think of the CHILDREN" said Stephens, despite somehow forgetting her own child in the crowd and having to go to guest services to meet up with little Billie Stephens who is, reportedly, scarred for life and will now display really crazy behavioral patterns when it comes to trust issues in his future relationships.

For the TNN Spotlight, Mrs Stephens won a two day gift certificate to the NEW International House Of Pancakes and, by her own choice, a three day cruise on the new Benny Hinn boat "Other Peoples Money".

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 3-2-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of March 2nd, 2015.

In response to "Quien Es Mas Macho'" (a joke so obscure that we were forced to show youtube videos of the original skit to our intern staff) the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 60% of the vote, the majority of you said 

Diego Valeri In The Rain Reciting Poetry

As well, a tie between a Federico Higuain Youtube Video Set To Slowjams and Don Garber Hair Piece Made Out Of Shredded Bits Of SUM Financial Statements and Allocation Money of course only proves that no one in Major League Soccer loves Cubo Torres or Javier Morales.