Ali Curtis Announces That He Will Just Take Over Everything

Harrison, NJ - Ali Curtis, Sporting Director for Red Bull New York, has unveiled page 200 of his 300 page plan to run Red Bull New York at a press conference Thursday.  On that page it is written, "I am just going to do everything myself. #YOLO"



Curtis then revealed that he has taken over the Technical Director position after removing Ricardo Campos from the position. Curtis also announced that he would be taking over the web production department, season ticket sales, mascot, travel coordinator, concessions on game day, the Red Bull New York twitter account, guiding patrons off the path train to Red Bull Arena, stadium security, groundskeeper, announcer, director of marketing, personal trainer to Luis Robles, and head of all supporters relations for the entire stadium. 

"There's no one better than me to run everything at Red Bull Arena. When you need something, see me. Need a beer? I'm your man. Need a gif for your twitter account? I'm making it now. Need a player to fill the midfield? I'm scouting him in Eastern Timor. Need a person to mow the grass into the shape of a sex toy? I'm there.", said Curtis

Curtis reportedly got the idea when he was assigned a book report on "The Grapes of Wrath" in high school and instead of reading the whole thing he just skipped around a few chapters before settling on the quote from the character Tom Joad that would drive his life forward

"Wherever they’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever they’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there" - The Grapes Of Wrath

Curtis then revealed that he will also be the third goalkeeper for the Red Bulls and will be coaching the team when he inevitably fires Jesse Marsch in 10 months. 

"It's important to have the continuity and trust that I have in myself at all positions and eventually it will be important that I am in all positions. All your base are belong to me. ALL OF IT! HASHTAG YOLO", said Curtis before he guffawed in a way that seemed a bit evil and then left the podium without taking comments.