It can be difficult to decipher the start to the MLS Season, but have no fear. The Nutmeg News is here to illuminate what you should be feeling right now after only one game in the season. We convened a panel of experts from prestigious universities in the Ural Mountains to coalesce a game plan for the modern fan as they go through the season.
IF YOUR TEAM WON
You clearly have the best fans in the league, the best team in the league, the best players in the league, and the best coach in the league. This is probably of all time as well, because your win was that dominant. Nothing will ever change your dominance and all your games will be this easy going forward. Your bloggers had an easy time deciphering the game plan and your fan base is buoyed by this performance.
PREDICTION: Start booking MLS Cup right now. Your team will finish the season undefeated. Start talking about "the quad trophy win" incessantly.
IF YOUR TEAM DREW
You team likely played decently for portions of the game but the excuse used for not winning is one or all of the below
- Conspired Against By The Referees
- Not Entirely Sure What They Were Doing/New System
- Hot Keeper
- Shit Field/Conditions
Which prevented your team from getting the full three points. This game was probably difficult to break down because of the nuance that comes from either two bad teams, two good evenly matched teams, or two teams with a ton of rust throughout their system. Nearly everyone will spin the draw (as it is the first game) as a positive though because you didn't lose, except for that old crotchety guy who was seen too many draws and wants you to know that this season is lost. Remember to use the following formula when complaining on twitter "We were unlucky to not get three points because of XXX"
PREDICTION: You might make the playoffs but it is an uphill battle. Every game is now important. Start talking about how you just need a few more pieces to compete.
IF YOUR TEAM LOST
Everything sucks, your team sucks, that player who gave up the goal sucks, your team is going to lose every single game this season, and you are going to do so by giving up simplistic goals. You don't know what happened to that high priced acquisition, but he was terrible and your bloggers are either trying to spin dog turds into gold or are hailing the end of days by supping on the blood of the innocent.
It is likely that a blogger or reporter wrote "It looks like it is going to be a long season if TEAM X doesn't fix PROBLEM Y"
PREDICTION: Start booking your trip to the bar for consolation drinks and bathe yourself in the remembrance of success long since past. This season will likely be a death march that involves allegations of intra-squad issues and your coach being fired with 10 games left in the season.