Billy Beane Loves Money And Hates Soccer

Oakland, CA - Despite the unparalleled stupidity of the Moneyball philosophy practiced by most clubs (as defined by the attempt to find value pickups while simultaneously giving a team the ability to claim poverty as well as underdog status and forcing the fans of that team to be content with being mired in mediocrity) Billy Beane is still finding gainful work in a field he knows absolutely nothing about.

America's great export to the world of branded sports portfolio management recently was hired at dutch club AZ Alkmaar where he will almost certainly be let go with little fanfare in about a year or two.

"I know very little about the statistical nuances of soccer, but what I do know is the way to make a millionaire or billionaire feel better about investing small amounts of money in the club he bought as a play toy or investment so that he can theoretically compete against other millionaires and billionaires.", said Beane.

"No one wants to be embarrassed when they are at the heli-skiing lodge in Canada that their sports portfolio is under performing, that's why Moneyball is here. We exist to make everyone feel better about their investments by allowing rich men to tell poor men that they don't have enough money to compete with other rich men in a way that makes poor men feel smart and involved with statistics."

TNN will continue to cover Beane's ascension to ridiculous demi-god status for sports nerds who care less about the beauty of the game and more about the slow strangulated death by garrote of the beauty of soccer by statistical analysis as Beane attempts to learn how to quantify a Cruyff turn in an excel spreadsheet datapoint, as it happens.