Nacogdoches, TX - As was revealed on the broadcast of New England Revolution v Seattle Sounders, Clint Dempsey took some time this winter to hunt down and ritualistically slaughter hogs in Texas. The Nutmeg News was able to locate his guide service and speak to them on the condition of anonymity.
"Look, we get a lot of clients here. People that want to kill for the sport, people that want to kill because they think they will eat the meat, people that even want to help control the hog population, however we have never had a person show up like Dempsey until the day he walked across our threshold.", said the anonymous guide for Texas Hog Hunting LLC.
"He came in completely shirtless with two Bowie knives, one in each hand, and a bandana around his head and he wanted to be left alone. When we tried to convince him that he needed a guide he said that a guide could come, but could not speak. He then proceeded to run around on foot, until he repeatedly stabbed a hog screaming 'YOU MADE THIS HAPPEN, KLINSMANN'. He then dipped his fingers into the running rivers of hog blood, smeared it across his face in a pattern of camouflage and yelled 'THE DAY OF RECKONING IS AT HAND. BAAL WILL RISE AGAIN' before vanishing into the underbrush. It took us four days to track him down and get him to come out of cave that he found."
Reports from neighboring counties indicate that people could hear a splitting howl while Dempsey had vanished on the hog hunt. Parents in the area reportedly told their children "go to bed, or Dempsey will gut you like he did that hog!"
TNN will have more on the ritualistic slaughter of pig parts by Clint Dempsey as it happens.