Phoenix Rising Announces 2 For 1 Pedialyte Special On Dollar Beer Night

Phoenix, AZ - In an effort to stem the potentially horrific hangover that results from Dollar Beer Night, Phoenix Rising announced a 2 for 1 Pedialyte special at tonight’s game.

“We will have Berry Frost, Kiwi Berry Mist, Chilled Cherry and Iced Grape available for all of our fans,” stated concessions manager Hector Villareal. “We are going to have the Classic Powder Packs, the Sparkling Rush Powder Packs, the Pedialyte Freezer Pops and even the classic liters available at any concession stand.”

According to insiders with the team, they are very bullish on this denting the long term issues that may develop with spending two hours drinking copious amounts of Budweiser in the heat.

“We need to take care of our fans so that we stop having to construct a sick ward in the stands in order to let them sleep it off,” stated Villareal. “The last guy just left from the last dollar beer night.”

With anticipation building to a frenzied pitch, Pheonix Rising announced to all their fans that anyone who buys 6 beers in total will automatically get a pint of Berry Frost, now with 33% more electrolytes, which as everyone knows is what plants crave.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans combine Bud Light Lime, Kiwi Berry Mist, and severe stomach distress to make a new victory cocktail.

Soccer Fans Everywhere Shocked As Man Who Says Dumb Things For Attention Says Another Dumb Thing For Attention

Fans across North America were shocked, recently, as Richard Small, a pundit who has a history of saying really dumb things for attention, said more dumb things for attention, today.

“Everything you believe in is dumb.”

“I can’t believe the guy who went out of his way to actively piss off fans from all walks of life is doing it again,” stated Paul Gutierrez of Los Angeles. “Somehow I thought that even though everyone knows Small is a morally bankrupt asshole that he would change.”

While Mr Gutierrez actually believed in the humanity and possible forward progress of Mr Small, other fans just forgot about him completely until now.

“Oh I know he says dumb things to rile people up but I completely forget about him until people re-tweet him into my timeline,” stated Katie Williams of Minneapolis. “So now I’ve just moved to blocking him. I’m not going to have an argument in bad faith with someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about listening to anyone.”

Not every fan shares Ms Williams approach, however, as fans across North America gave Mr. Small the attention he so desires as they attempted to argue with someone who dedicates his existence towards being a dickhead.

“I spent the last 20 minutes arguing with him, and he just seems to keep saying dumb things,” stated Jamal Woolington. “However, I feel like if I just use the right argument that despite his 30 year career formed out of saying dumb and controversial things just to spite people that he might listen to me.”

The Nutmeg News attempted to contact Mr. Small who responded from his carefully constructed fortress of pleasure where he satisfies himself with printed out pictures of insult tweets.

“Oh god yes this is so satisfying,” stated Mr Small as he rubbed a print out of a Facebook post telling him how wrong he is. “Oh yes, I must… must enjoy myself with the dissatisfaction of all you small minded people. Only I know the full truth. You common fans are uneducated peasants and only with my full knowledge and intellect will you understand the truth. I am a god because I am on TV. I am a god because I have recorded many podcasts. You will bow to my knowledge.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Small continues to post dumb things shocking people everywhere that know he posts dumb things.

Professional Referee Organization To Trademark "Worst Referees In The World (TM)"

NEW YORK - Insiders with the Professional Referee Organization (PRO) indicate that the group is attempting to trademark the statement Worst Referees In The World (TM).

“They always say you should lean into something instead of pushing against it,” stated one anonymous insider with the organization. “And in this case we think they’ve got it right. We received notification from our public relations office that we may want to review this decision but we feel 100% confident that our people in charge made the right call and there’s no reason to review any of this.”

Analysts say that trademarking the phrase would prevent other organizations and journalists from utilizing the phrase to describe referees outside the organization as the Worst Referees In The World (TM).

“No longer can you say that FIFA or the AYSO or the NASO or the AFC have the Worst Referees In The World (TM),” stated one anonymous referee. “No longer will we hide in the shadows and pretend to be good. Say it loud and say it proud. We are SHIT and we are proud of it! We are SHIT and we are proud of it!”

Agitators within PRO indicate that a cabal of referees have been pressuring for this move for some time as a measure of self acceptance and self love.

“We cannot love ourselves until we accept that we are who we are and that is a flawed person incapable of seeing and calling everything on the field; and, as well, incapable of caring about VAR. We must be proud to be shit, we must be proud to miss calls and we must be proud to overly influence the games to our own capricious standards that change on a whim because that is who we are, the Worst Referees In The World (TM).”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans find alternative, royalty free ways to voice their displeasure.

Major League Soccer Announces Mandatory Recitation Of Pledge Of Allegiance Before All Future Games

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that all attendees to future games would be required to recite the Pledge Of Allegiance to the United States of America and Major League Soccer before kick off.

GO TEAM!

“We feel that it is our patriotic duty to show that we are patriotic and we have a duty,” stated Commissioner Don Garber. “It is important for everyone to know that our fanbases aren’t about politics, they are about enforced participation in the national anthem and pledge of allegiance of the United States of America.”

According to league insiders, even Canadian fans will be required to stand and participate in the pledge of allegiance as Commissioner Garber stated, “When President Trump finally invades Canada to take their oil and hotel rights our formerly Canadian fans will welcome the troops as the apolitical freedom fighters they pretend to be.”

An advanced copy of the MLS Pledge Of Allegiance indicates that there are some subtle changes to the overall pledge as the words were tailored to fit a soccer audience.

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and Major League Soccer for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all, and no political signs in the stadium."

“The game will start with the march out to the field,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “Then we will have the singing of only the anthem of the United States by all people in the stadium in a respectful fashion with no political protests, kneeling or sitting followed by the pledge of allegiance. This is a non political and very patriotic league dedicated towards the elimination of politics in sports and the funneling of money to the league by the fleshy things that have the wallets and tickets in the stands.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Garber states, “white supremacists buy tickets too!”

Canadian Premier League Announces Expansion To Buffalo, New York

Buffalo, NY - The commissioner of the Canadian Premier League David Clanachan announced today that the fledgling league would be expanding to Buffalo, New York as the CPL signifies their interest in becoming an international soccer force.

“We are excited and thrilled with the interest that’s been shown in the CPL from Buffalo and the greater soccer community,” stated Clanachan from a press conference in the palatial ballroom of the Buffalo Airport Red Roof Inn. “Buffalo is practically south Toronto anyway so we expect there to be some cultural similarities with a big pinch of anger.”

Insiders with the Canadian Premier League state that the league was courted by a number of franchises including Red Deer, Nelson, Timmins, Fort Hope, Lebel-sur-Quevillon, La Romaine, and the Fighting Whalers of Port-Menier, Anticosti Island.

Experts with the CPL indicate that they expect the team name to be Niagara Falls FC and to begin play during the 2021 season.

“We believe Buffalo to be a great fit for our league,” stated Clanachan to The Nutmeg News. “Why every day we are seemingly inundated with Americans asking about Canada, how easy it is to travel, where can they get inexpensive drugs they can’t get in the United States, what our health insurance situation really is like, and how easy it is to immigrate. We expect the local derby between Buffalo and Forge FC to really be something to talk about.”

While the league touts their new expansion, some within the CPL are worried that the expansion into the United States will cause issues with international players, however Clanachan dismissed those problems as solvable.

“Niagra Falls FC will be able to carry a number of non-Canadian players in order to connect with their local community, but will still be required to have a minimum of six Canadian starters per game.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the department of Homeland Security issue alerts about defecting American players.

Real Salt Lake Fan Concerned That He Isn't Devastated Enough After Home Loss Compared To Other Fans

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake fan Paul Alvarez reportedly felt concerned, on Monday morning, that he wasn’t devastated enough from the recent home loss to Los Angeles FC (LAFC) after a number of his friends expressed their levels of pain in person and on social media.

This is SOME kind of graphic mashup!

“I honestly felt like I had a good time at the game and I don’t really know what’s wrong with me,” stated Alvarez to The Nutmeg News. “Everyone else was talking about drinking their sorrows away and that they were utterly devastated, but I thought that it was fun to catch up with Dez and Will, have a few beers, and cheer for my team. I’m pretty devastated that I’m not devastated. Seriously, what is wrong with me! I’m clearly a horrible fan.”

Anonymous fans who have tickets alongside Mr. Alvarez were crushed to find out that he had a good time at the game as they stated, “I thought he was a real fan. Real fans are absolutely gutted when their team loses and gloating insufferable dickheads when they win.”

Good friend Will Brampton stated that he was shocked to hear that Mr. Alvarez had a good time as he stated, “that fucking game, man. Jesus. I … you know I just can’t with that game, and that fucking Vela just diving and whining and look, if Paul can’t even see that and get pissed then he needs to have his head checked. I literally kicked a trashcan on my way out of the stadium. Oh, Paul was fine? PAUL was FINE? You know what? I just can’t.”

According to Mr. Alvarez, ever since he quit drinking at the stadium and stopped going online to see other peoples opinions of the game he has seen his rage plummet overall to the point where he isn’t even certain that he should be called a real fan anymore.

“All of my friends that are real passionate fans are living each kick by the team to the point where they are almost having an embolism, but I feel like I always enjoy going. Sure I’m upset when they lose but I just don’t let it ruin my day. How good of a fan can I be if am not weeping myself to sleep over this loss?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alvarez fakes his disappointment during the next loss as he halfheartedly throws a pretzel to the ground in an attempt at mock outrage.


"I Don't Understand Why I Can't Go To A Game Without Hearing About Politics," States D.C. United Fan Wearing 2019 Military Camo Kit With Leidos Sponsorship And American Flag Patch

Chevy Chase, MD - D.C. United fan Darryl Williams complained that, “I don’t understand why I can’t go to a game without hearing about politics,” as he wore his 2019 D.C. United Military Camouflage kit emblazoned with current kit sponsor and United States Department Of Defense/US Army facilitator Leidos and an American flag sleeve patch.

Regardless of your politics this is an absolute fashion crime against humanity.

“I just want to go back to the no politics old times where we all would gather in Robert Francis Kennedy stadium and sing the national anthem for our team and we had MasterCard on the kit. Remember when United was owned by whoever owned Washington Soccer L.P.? Oh yes, I remember the days before politics were everywhere.”

Williams stated that he is tired of, “identity politics being forced upon me,” as he was forced to deal with the fact that other fans around him actually are people that he dislikes when he attends games.

“I’m not racist, I ate the puppyusas they sold. I liked Etcheverry. He was one of the good ones. All of our soccer players were always legal, you see. I just don’t want my nose rubbed in all this commie antifer stuff. Oh great, so you are gay, well shouldn’t I get a straight pride day at the stadium? What about me and what I want when I attend a soccer game? Shouldn’t it be more about me?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams posts that back the 70’s no one talked about politics in sports ever despite being born in 1971.

Atlanta United Crowned Champion Of North America After Winning One Game Ad-Hoc Tournament At Home

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United were crowned Champion Of North America after winning a one game ad-hoc tournament at home, on Wednesday.

“We really suffered through this tournament,” stated Atlanta fan Theo Williams. “From the moment I heard about it Tuesday to the moment we won it on Wednesday I was absolutely gripped.”

Sportswriters employed by the league talked about the great result as they crowned the new North American champions with superlatives they were last using on Los Angeles Football Club about one week ago.

“The best team in the region,” stated Barry Weiss, contributor to MLS and field reporter for the Sporting Journals Of Western Marietta.

“By far the single greatest result in Major League Soccer in one game tournaments that was just recently started by a team playing a Mexican team at home during the middle of the season,” stated Larry O’Donnel Of Kickturns! A ‘zine for middle aged swimmers. “I attended due to the availability of tickets on the secondary market and let me tell you, this was the best final I’ve ever seen as it was the only final I’ve ever watched.”

League historians indicate that this is the first time that a team in Major League Soccer has beaten a team from Liga MX in a final since 1998 as they lauded the tenacity and approach of Atlanta United and Frank de Boer.

“They had a tough road to the final,” stated Steve Williams Of Major League Soccer Soccer Dot com. “But they made the final, which was the only game of the tournament, and really showed their class in winning the trophy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as writers turn their attention to LAFC again as they crown them the best team in the league, again.

Detroit City FC Fan Watches MLS Game with Lights Off, Blinds Closed

HAMTRAMCK, MI — A local fan of Detroit City FC (DCFC), speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed to Nutmeg News that they watched last Saturday’s Toronto/Orlando Major League Soccer match, attempting to avoid detection by turning off the lights and closing their blinds.

No one must know.

No one.

“I’m kind of a Toronto FC fan,” the unnamed fan confessed. “I love going to Toronto and I really got into them when they won the treble. Giovinco was amazing that year and it was fun to watch the national team players.” After looking around, they added under their breath, “I wish we could watch players like that every week.”

The fan spent the previous week bolstering their alibi by talking up a fictitious weekend camping trip to the UP to any fellow DCFC fan within earshot, even posting photos of a past camping trip on social media during the game. “Going out of cell range,” said one post around the 30th minute, “Looking forward to getting off the grid. See you next week. ✌️”

“There was one time when the mailman came and I think he heard me,” said the fan, “But then when I saw him this week I commented about the housesitter I had, and I think he bought it. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I will always love DCFC first and foremost, but it’s nice to have a top flight team to support, and of course I’m not going to cheer for Columbus or Cincinnati. I can’t wait to get back to Keyworth. There’s nothing else like it. But, you know, if we ever got an MLS team….” Their voice trailed off.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Northern Guard opens an investigation into the traitor in the ranks.

Don Garber Orders Revolution To Change Name Citing League Politics Policy

NEW YORK - Don Garber, the Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), reportedly ordered the New England Revolution to change their name citing the MLS politics policy.

Here we see the brave police force of the British army dealing with the antifa menace in the colonies.

"There were very fine people on both sides of that war, and i think people come to the stadium to forget about things like the stamp act,” stated Garber to a collection of regional reporters. “We aren't here to make judgments about the price of tea. Only that dangerous tea dumping antifa members should not be memorialized in the stands or with our franchise names.”

The Revolution name ran afoul of the new league politics policy that states that anything political at all can be taken down, removed or changed at the whim of the people in charge of the stadium and league based upon a loose set of eternally moving goalposts that are infrequently informed upon and radically changed.

“You know there is very solid information that those early revolutionary red-white-and blue block antifa members put quick dry cement in the tea that they threw in the face of Boston harbor,” stated Garber to reporters. “We can’t have Revolutionary identities and ideals giving pause to lauding of great men like Benedict Arnold and Charles Cornwallis. Our fans want to watch a game of soccer, not take sides regarding who wronged whom in the Incident on King Street,”

With the Revolution now required to change their name, Garber indicated that they may change it to something inspirational and vaguely corporate as he suggested that there was a potential partnership with Shasta to make the switch to the New England Diet Root Beer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber bans the mention of antifa terrorist Paul Revere from two-sticks and banners.

Atlanta United Encourage Expelled Fans To Come Back, Join The Family, Unite Together And Bring Banners In Support Of Gun Violence

Atlanta, GA - Major League Soccer franchise Atlanta United reached out to fans they expelled for bringing, “signs against the US Government,” stating that they want them to come back, join the family, unite together, and bring some banners in support of gun violence which would then show their support of the US Government at the next home game.

“We deeply regret that Atlanta United fans had to learn this lesson, but you don’t go against the prevailing United States government,” stated S.A.F.E Management managing director Aaron Schmitt. “We were tasked by Atlanta United and Major League Soccer to remove any banners they deem political and we all know that being against racism, against fascism and against gun violence is the exact opposite of the current administration in the White House. Therefore, being against mass murder and being against cheap fear mongering racism is currently not allowed in the stands. We want Atlanta United fans to bring signs like “build a wall and keep out the Mexicans,’ and, ‘start gun violence,’ or, ‘ICE is nice,’ would be very appropriate.”

Major League Soccer refused to comment on the matter, but one insider stated that the league is against anti-racism and anti-gun violence banners as they view them as being political in nature.

“What’s a little racism and gun violence between friends,” stated one MLS insider. “We don’t want our fanbase speaking out, because if they say they are AGAINST racism then we absolutely need to make certain that we create a space for racist people to say and do racist things to our fans. We have to reach out to those racists and make certain they are welcome. It just makes for a long day. In the end, we want people supporting the government, singing the national anthem, carrying fully automatic guns with massively over-sized clips, signing up for the military, and not protesting gun violence.”

With some fans involved in protesting gun violence and racism getting one year bans for simply showing a sign or video taping S.A.F.E officials assaulting fans in the stands, supporters are now wary of what the future holds as they state, “All I did was video tape one of our security guards and now I’m banned for a year? Thanks Arthur Blank.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United and MLS stick their head further and further and further into the sand.


"I'm Not Burned Out.... I've Just Made My Entire Life About Soccer And Feel Kinda Dead Inside," States Supporters Group Vice-President

NEW YORK - Supporters Group Vice-President Jared O’Neil stated, “I’m not burned out… I’ve just made made my entire life about soccer and feel kinda dead inside,” as he unenthusiastically went through the motions to prepare for another home game this weekend.

Friends state that while O’Neil is a fixture at games and always available to chat about the team online or in person that his overall energy and passion for everything seems a bit diminished in recent years.

“He’s just kinda down some of the time,” stated new fan Derrick Borders. “It definitely makes me re-think my decision regarding being more involved in the group.”

O’Neil stated that the constant drama involved in dealing with the league, fellow fans, other supporters and security every single day of every single season finally swelled to an elegant crescendo when he was appointed to be the vice-president of his group. “It was something I wanted for some time and when I got it I realized that I managed to transition my passion into essentially a full time job. Now, instead of going to the game to relax I’m basically working most of the time. The last time I enjoyed I game was because I got absolutely shit faced and told everyone that I wasn’t going to help if they had a problem.”

Mr. O’Neil was then pulled away to mediate a dispute over the cost analysis of t-shirts and whether the pricing they were getting on a product was too high. He was also then delayed to coming back for this interview because his presence was requested to be on a conference call regarding the security of an upcoming away game, and he had a call with the president and treasurer of the supporters group in order to figure out domain registration fees and a non-profit charity that the group is trying to get started.

“I guess I didn’t think about it until too late, but my life went from soccer as a passionate hobby to soccer as a second job,” stated O’Neill as he packed up t-shirt orders for shipping. “I remember when all this was about drinking beer in the stands with my friends, but going to the games now are just a reminder of all the work I need to do when the game gets done.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as O’Neil considers giving up his season tickets after his 2 year term as vice-president ends.

"No, Tony. Look Around You! Nobody Here Wants To Play Premier League Fantasy Soccer"

Santa Fe, NM - Speaking to a collected group of friends there for Tony Delong’s well being, good friend Randall Hughes stated categorically, “No, Tony. Look around you! Nobody here wants to play Premier League fantasy soccer.”

Friends decided to have an intervention for Mr. Delong after a sixth consecutive year of the soccer fan peppering everyone’s social media feed, text messages and emails with suggestions, requests and pleading demands to really get involved in Premier League Fantasy Soccer.

“Goddammit, NO,” stated good friend Heather Brom. “Tony, seriously… It’s been six years of asking and no one… NO ONE IN YOUR FRIEND GROUP WANTS TO PLAY PREMIER LEAGUE FANTASY SOCCER.”

According to friends at the meeting, Delong stared at the ground as he nervously tapped a magazine detailing all the best key pickups for his fantasy team, “You’ll Giroud The Day You Played Me.”

"We love you, we all love you. This needs to stop,” stated ex-girlfriend Karen Hamilton. “When we broke up we both said that we wanted to stay friends, but the only thing you’ve done recently is spam my timeline on Facebook asking me if I want to sign up for your Fantasy Soccer League. I DO NOT, TONY.”

Friends state that they think their message finally got through to Delong, but the passionate advocate of the least interesting part of soccer stated that he was really able to see the connections coming together for a new league as he posted later, “Who wants to play Premier League Soccer in my new league called Tom Delong’s Intervention.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends just give up.

D.C. United Fans Demand Testimonial Match For International Roster-Spot After Trade Announced To Minnesota United

WASHINGTON - Fans of Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise D.C. United flooded the front office of the team with calls for a testimonial match for their beloved International Roster-Spot (IRS) as the long serving roster mechanism was sent to Minnesota United for $50,000 in General Allocation Money (GAM) and a free transfer of Ole and Lena jokes from Ingebretsen's in Minneapolis.

“The long and storied history of IRS with United demands that the club put on a testimonial match in their honor,” stated United fan (of DC) Ralph Sweetwater. “If you look at the contributions that IRS gave in D.C. then you will know that not only should United stage a testimonial, but at the point that IRS retires from United, then Minnesota should immediately allow IRS to retire as a United Player.”

Customer support representatives indicate that their offices were swamped with calls of love and support for International Roster-Spot as fans made a run on D.C. United kits with the Roster-Spot naming plates before the team removes them from their website.

“We want to see a testimonial match for Roster-Spot,” stated Cynthia Hughes of Richmond. “The fans deserve to fill up Audi Field while pretending that it’s still RFK stadium and honor IRS one last time.”

While some focused on the Testimonial Match, others reportedly worked on having Roster-Spot inducted in to the D.C. United Hall of Tradition that theoretically still exists.

“International Roster Spot worked harder for D.C. United than nearly any other player from the last six seasons,” stated longtime fan Oswaldo Sanchez. “The club needs to recognize them and induct them into the Hall Of Tradition so that Roster-Spot can rightfully join the likes of Jaime Moreno, Eddie Pope, and Jeff Agoos as a true legend of D.C. United.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United ignore the wishes of their fans and post that International Roster Spot wasn’t that great anyway.

Rapids Fan Embraces Medieval Diseases For Home Field Advantage

Commerce City, CO - The threat of the plague from flea infested prairie dogs didn’t ruin the Colorado Rapids thrilling 6-3 victory over the Montreal Impact for some fans.

“Look, I have Anthony Hudson’s career, here… just take it.”

— “I’m not dead yet!” —

“YES, YOU ARE.”

Colorado Rapids supporter Anthony Raymond could be heard shouting “maybe we should threaten all our opponents with medieval diseases” to no one in particular, while leaving Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. He continued, “think about it, like, how hard are the Quakes going to play when they have to worry about typhus, leprosy, dysentery, malaria, diphtheria, vapors…. or the POX!”

Raymond seemed to be high spirits while in the stands, despite his failed chant attempts of “bring out <clap clap> your dead <clap clap>” and no one joining him while singing “Ring Around the Rosie”. Raymond also added a line to the 2019 Montreal Impact Season Wikipedia page which read “Cause of Death - The Plague” which he immediately screen shot and sent to all of his friends. He is still waiting for a response. 

The Nutmeg News reached out to Kroenke Sports & Entertainment to verify Raymond’s claims of the team name changing to the “Colorado Black Death” or “Colorado Bubonic” without response.

EDITORS NOTE: Stan Kroenke has still not publicly commented on the name change at the time of publication due to his long standing mandate of having zero clue about anything in his portfolio beyond the jars of pee he is collecting for his inaugural flight on the Spruce Goose.

Stadium Employee Can't Remember The Last Time They Had Flag At Full Mast

Kansas City, KS - Blake Edwards, a stadium employee and groundskeeper for Children’s Mercy Park, stated that he couldn’t remember the last time they had the American flag at full mast as an endless parade of national and international tragedies continues to manifest nearly every week.

“Between the shootings in Dayton, El Paso, Gilroy, South Bend, Highlands Ranch, Chicago, Nashville, Aurora, Brooklyn, Baltimore, Virginia Beach, Christchurch, Poway and the other roughly 237 mass shootings in the United States I can’t remember the last time that we had this thing all the way up.”

Employees say that Edwards used to spend a few minutes every week working to ensure the pulley system and ropes were still in good shape but that he has now given up the practice and is just waiting for 2020.

“It’s not that I think things will change. I know they won’t. I’m just hoping that we can get a window of time where there isn’t a mass shooting, national tragedy or international tragedy where I can verify that this thing gets raised all the way up.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 35 years from now a retiring Edwards notifies his successor that he can’t remember the last time this thing even moved.

"Plague Infected Prairie Dogs Are Not Even Worst Part Of The Colorado Rapids Season," States Supporter

Littleton, CO - Rapids supporter Doug Williams stated that, “the plague infect prairie dogs are not even the worst part of the Colorado Rapids season,” as he prepared for the Rapids slow assault on the Wooden Spoon.

“Oh sure, I was hoping to actually have some fireworks that might shed even a little joy on another season of shit, but honestly at this point I’m thinking of hanging out with the Prairie Dogs as an alternative to attending the game”

With the Rapids anchored to the bottom of the Western Conference, Williams indicated that there were at least 10 other things that made him angry other than a resurgence of the Black Death.

“20 points from 22 games. TWENTY. Good grief, you know what? Let’s start the Prairie Dogs and I’m betting we’d have more than 20 points.and 12 losses.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams spends most of the game saying, “at least we aren’t Cincinnati".”



Major League Soccer Announces Future Supporter Group Bans for Inter Miami Fans

ORLANDO - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced future supporters group bans for Inter Miami fans after they used smoke devices, drums and flags during a rally at the MLS All-Star game.

“This hooliganism must stop,” stated Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber. “We have collected the names and identities of all the fans in question and they will be banned as soon as they have a functioning team with home games.”

According to sources, Major League Soccer and Inter Miami used the picture as a promotional tool while also using it to identify all the people in the photo for future in-stadium camera analysis as they worked towards more security theater for the burgeoning franchise.

“We are very proud of our fans,” stated Inter Miami director of promotions before being called away for five minutes to talk to someone from MLS and returning to our reporter to state, “This shame on the league must not be allowed to fester. We will be conducting an internal investigation into the state of these hooligan firms.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS charges twice their normal rate for their fan conduct classes to get back the season tickets that fans haven’t even purchased yet.

USWNT Fan Excited For New Coach That Knows What They Are Doing After Two Time World Champion Jill Ellis Steps Down

Tampa, FL - USWNT fan Sondra Evans was reportedly ecstatic at the departure of two time World Champion Jill Ellis as she openly pined for a coach that, “knows what she is doing,” on Twitter.

“Her substitutions and player management were insane,” stated Evans on her personal Twitter account. “I’m happy that we can finally have a coach for the United States Women that knows what they are doing instead of just making up things as they go.”

Evans reportedly discounted the two World Cup wins by Ellis as a stroke of luck via riding the player pool of the United States as she found every possible excuse to not celebrate the outgoing coach of the reigning world champions.

“It was pure luck and all of the coaches she was up against were likely better than her and would’ve won with that team. She’s not the one that won the game, she’s the one that almost sabotaged it. We all know the true power was with the players and not the coaches because we watched those 20 second videos on Instagram and tic-toc that showed the slowed down hugs between players and staff that showed a real disconnect and the fact that everyone hates her including me.”

Despite Ellis’ victories in the World Cup, Evans stated that she never won the Olympic gold medal, “and that shows that she is a complete fraud at player management regardless of winning the world cup because anyone can do that and I just hate her.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans waits until there is a new coach to start hating them as well.