NEW YORK - Don Garber, the Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), reportedly ordered the New England Revolution to change their name citing the MLS politics policy.
"There were very fine people on both sides of that war, and i think people come to the stadium to forget about things like the stamp act,” stated Garber to a collection of regional reporters. “We aren't here to make judgments about the price of tea. Only that dangerous tea dumping antifa members should not be memorialized in the stands or with our franchise names.”
The Revolution name ran afoul of the new league politics policy that states that anything political at all can be taken down, removed or changed at the whim of the people in charge of the stadium and league based upon a loose set of eternally moving goalposts that are infrequently informed upon and radically changed.
“You know there is very solid information that those early revolutionary red-white-and blue block antifa members put quick dry cement in the tea that they threw in the face of Boston harbor,” stated Garber to reporters. “We can’t have Revolutionary identities and ideals giving pause to lauding of great men like Benedict Arnold and Charles Cornwallis. Our fans want to watch a game of soccer, not take sides regarding who wronged whom in the Incident on King Street,”
With the Revolution now required to change their name, Garber indicated that they may change it to something inspirational and vaguely corporate as he suggested that there was a potential partnership with Shasta to make the switch to the New England Diet Root Beer.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber bans the mention of antifa terrorist Paul Revere from two-sticks and banners.