Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake fan Paul Alvarez reportedly felt concerned, on Monday morning, that he wasn’t devastated enough from the recent home loss to Los Angeles FC (LAFC) after a number of his friends expressed their levels of pain in person and on social media.
“I honestly felt like I had a good time at the game and I don’t really know what’s wrong with me,” stated Alvarez to The Nutmeg News. “Everyone else was talking about drinking their sorrows away and that they were utterly devastated, but I thought that it was fun to catch up with Dez and Will, have a few beers, and cheer for my team. I’m pretty devastated that I’m not devastated. Seriously, what is wrong with me! I’m clearly a horrible fan.”
Anonymous fans who have tickets alongside Mr. Alvarez were crushed to find out that he had a good time at the game as they stated, “I thought he was a real fan. Real fans are absolutely gutted when their team loses and gloating insufferable dickheads when they win.”
Good friend Will Brampton stated that he was shocked to hear that Mr. Alvarez had a good time as he stated, “that fucking game, man. Jesus. I … you know I just can’t with that game, and that fucking Vela just diving and whining and look, if Paul can’t even see that and get pissed then he needs to have his head checked. I literally kicked a trashcan on my way out of the stadium. Oh, Paul was fine? PAUL was FINE? You know what? I just can’t.”
According to Mr. Alvarez, ever since he quit drinking at the stadium and stopped going online to see other peoples opinions of the game he has seen his rage plummet overall to the point where he isn’t even certain that he should be called a real fan anymore.
“All of my friends that are real passionate fans are living each kick by the team to the point where they are almost having an embolism, but I feel like I always enjoy going. Sure I’m upset when they lose but I just don’t let it ruin my day. How good of a fan can I be if am not weeping myself to sleep over this loss?”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alvarez fakes his disappointment during the next loss as he halfheartedly throws a pretzel to the ground in an attempt at mock outrage.