Detroit City FC Fan Watches MLS Game with Lights Off, Blinds Closed

HAMTRAMCK, MI — A local fan of Detroit City FC (DCFC), speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed to Nutmeg News that they watched last Saturday’s Toronto/Orlando Major League Soccer match, attempting to avoid detection by turning off the lights and closing their blinds.

No one must know.      No one.

No one must know.

No one.

“I’m kind of a Toronto FC fan,” the unnamed fan confessed. “I love going to Toronto and I really got into them when they won the treble. Giovinco was amazing that year and it was fun to watch the national team players.” After looking around, they added under their breath, “I wish we could watch players like that every week.”

The fan spent the previous week bolstering their alibi by talking up a fictitious weekend camping trip to the UP to any fellow DCFC fan within earshot, even posting photos of a past camping trip on social media during the game. “Going out of cell range,” said one post around the 30th minute, “Looking forward to getting off the grid. See you next week. ✌️”

“There was one time when the mailman came and I think he heard me,” said the fan, “But then when I saw him this week I commented about the housesitter I had, and I think he bought it. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I will always love DCFC first and foremost, but it’s nice to have a top flight team to support, and of course I’m not going to cheer for Columbus or Cincinnati. I can’t wait to get back to Keyworth. There’s nothing else like it. But, you know, if we ever got an MLS team….” Their voice trailed off.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Northern Guard opens an investigation into the traitor in the ranks.

Don Garber Orders Revolution To Change Name Citing League Politics Policy

NEW YORK - Don Garber, the Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), reportedly ordered the New England Revolution to change their name citing the MLS politics policy.

Here we see the brave police force of the British army dealing with the antifa menace in the colonies.

Here we see the brave police force of the British army dealing with the antifa menace in the colonies.

"There were very fine people on both sides of that war, and i think people come to the stadium to forget about things like the stamp act,” stated Garber to a collection of regional reporters. “We aren't here to make judgments about the price of tea. Only that dangerous tea dumping antifa members should not be memorialized in the stands or with our franchise names.”

The Revolution name ran afoul of the new league politics policy that states that anything political at all can be taken down, removed or changed at the whim of the people in charge of the stadium and league based upon a loose set of eternally moving goalposts that are infrequently informed upon and radically changed.

“You know there is very solid information that those early revolutionary red-white-and blue block antifa members put quick dry cement in the tea that they threw in the face of Boston harbor,” stated Garber to reporters. “We can’t have Revolutionary identities and ideals giving pause to lauding of great men like Benedict Arnold and Charles Cornwallis. Our fans want to watch a game of soccer, not take sides regarding who wronged whom in the Incident on King Street,”

With the Revolution now required to change their name, Garber indicated that they may change it to something inspirational and vaguely corporate as he suggested that there was a potential partnership with Shasta to make the switch to the New England Diet Root Beer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber bans the mention of antifa terrorist Paul Revere from two-sticks and banners.

Atlanta United Encourage Expelled Fans To Come Back, Join The Family, Unite Together And Bring Banners In Support Of Gun Violence

Atlanta, GA - Major League Soccer franchise Atlanta United reached out to fans they expelled for bringing, “signs against the US Government,” stating that they want them to come back, join the family, unite together, and bring some banners in support of gun violence which would then show their support of the US Government at the next home game.

“We deeply regret that Atlanta United fans had to learn this lesson, but you don’t go against the prevailing United States government,” stated S.A.F.E Management managing director Aaron Schmitt. “We were tasked by Atlanta United and Major League Soccer to remove any banners they deem political and we all know that being against racism, against fascism and against gun violence is the exact opposite of the current administration in the White House. Therefore, being against mass murder and being against cheap fear mongering racism is currently not allowed in the stands. We want Atlanta United fans to bring signs like “build a wall and keep out the Mexicans,’ and, ‘start gun violence,’ or, ‘ICE is nice,’ would be very appropriate.”

Major League Soccer refused to comment on the matter, but one insider stated that the league is against anti-racism and anti-gun violence banners as they view them as being political in nature.

“What’s a little racism and gun violence between friends,” stated one MLS insider. “We don’t want our fanbase speaking out, because if they say they are AGAINST racism then we absolutely need to make certain that we create a space for racist people to say and do racist things to our fans. We have to reach out to those racists and make certain they are welcome. It just makes for a long day. In the end, we want people supporting the government, singing the national anthem, carrying fully automatic guns with massively over-sized clips, signing up for the military, and not protesting gun violence.”

With some fans involved in protesting gun violence and racism getting one year bans for simply showing a sign or video taping S.A.F.E officials assaulting fans in the stands, supporters are now wary of what the future holds as they state, “All I did was video tape one of our security guards and now I’m banned for a year? Thanks Arthur Blank.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United and MLS stick their head further and further and further into the sand.

"I'm Not Burned Out.... I've Just Made My Entire Life About Soccer And Feel Kinda Dead Inside," States Supporters Group Vice-President

NEW YORK - Supporters Group Vice-President Jared O’Neil stated, “I’m not burned out… I’ve just made made my entire life about soccer and feel kinda dead inside,” as he unenthusiastically went through the motions to prepare for another home game this weekend.


Friends state that while O’Neil is a fixture at games and always available to chat about the team online or in person that his overall energy and passion for everything seems a bit diminished in recent years.

“He’s just kinda down some of the time,” stated new fan Derrick Borders. “It definitely makes me re-think my decision regarding being more involved in the group.”

O’Neil stated that the constant drama involved in dealing with the league, fellow fans, other supporters and security every single day of every single season finally swelled to an elegant crescendo when he was appointed to be the vice-president of his group. “It was something I wanted for some time and when I got it I realized that I managed to transition my passion into essentially a full time job. Now, instead of going to the game to relax I’m basically working most of the time. The last time I enjoyed I game was because I got absolutely shit faced and told everyone that I wasn’t going to help if they had a problem.”

Mr. O’Neil was then pulled away to mediate a dispute over the cost analysis of t-shirts and whether the pricing they were getting on a product was too high. He was also then delayed to coming back for this interview because his presence was requested to be on a conference call regarding the security of an upcoming away game, and he had a call with the president and treasurer of the supporters group in order to figure out domain registration fees and a non-profit charity that the group is trying to get started.

“I guess I didn’t think about it until too late, but my life went from soccer as a passionate hobby to soccer as a second job,” stated O’Neill as he packed up t-shirt orders for shipping. “I remember when all this was about drinking beer in the stands with my friends, but going to the games now are just a reminder of all the work I need to do when the game gets done.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as O’Neil considers giving up his season tickets after his 2 year term as vice-president ends.

"No, Tony. Look Around You! Nobody Here Wants To Play Premier League Fantasy Soccer"

Santa Fe, NM - Speaking to a collected group of friends there for Tony Delong’s well being, good friend Randall Hughes stated categorically, “No, Tony. Look around you! Nobody here wants to play Premier League fantasy soccer.”


Friends decided to have an intervention for Mr. Delong after a sixth consecutive year of the soccer fan peppering everyone’s social media feed, text messages and emails with suggestions, requests and pleading demands to really get involved in Premier League Fantasy Soccer.

“Goddammit, NO,” stated good friend Heather Brom. “Tony, seriously… It’s been six years of asking and no one… NO ONE IN YOUR FRIEND GROUP WANTS TO PLAY PREMIER LEAGUE FANTASY SOCCER.”

According to friends at the meeting, Delong stared at the ground as he nervously tapped a magazine detailing all the best key pickups for his fantasy team, “You’ll Giroud The Day You Played Me.”

"We love you, we all love you. This needs to stop,” stated ex-girlfriend Karen Hamilton. “When we broke up we both said that we wanted to stay friends, but the only thing you’ve done recently is spam my timeline on Facebook asking me if I want to sign up for your Fantasy Soccer League. I DO NOT, TONY.”

Friends state that they think their message finally got through to Delong, but the passionate advocate of the least interesting part of soccer stated that he was really able to see the connections coming together for a new league as he posted later, “Who wants to play Premier League Soccer in my new league called Tom Delong’s Intervention.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends just give up.

D.C. United Fans Demand Testimonial Match For International Roster-Spot After Trade Announced To Minnesota United

WASHINGTON - Fans of Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise D.C. United flooded the front office of the team with calls for a testimonial match for their beloved International Roster-Spot (IRS) as the long serving roster mechanism was sent to Minnesota United for $50,000 in General Allocation Money (GAM) and a free transfer of Ole and Lena jokes from Ingebretsen's in Minneapolis.


“The long and storied history of IRS with United demands that the club put on a testimonial match in their honor,” stated United fan (of DC) Ralph Sweetwater. “If you look at the contributions that IRS gave in D.C. then you will know that not only should United stage a testimonial, but at the point that IRS retires from United, then Minnesota should immediately allow IRS to retire as a United Player.”

Customer support representatives indicate that their offices were swamped with calls of love and support for International Roster-Spot as fans made a run on D.C. United kits with the Roster-Spot naming plates before the team removes them from their website.

“We want to see a testimonial match for Roster-Spot,” stated Cynthia Hughes of Richmond. “The fans deserve to fill up Audi Field while pretending that it’s still RFK stadium and honor IRS one last time.”

While some focused on the Testimonial Match, others reportedly worked on having Roster-Spot inducted in to the D.C. United Hall of Tradition that theoretically still exists.

“International Roster Spot worked harder for D.C. United than nearly any other player from the last six seasons,” stated longtime fan Oswaldo Sanchez. “The club needs to recognize them and induct them into the Hall Of Tradition so that Roster-Spot can rightfully join the likes of Jaime Moreno, Eddie Pope, and Jeff Agoos as a true legend of D.C. United.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United ignore the wishes of their fans and post that International Roster Spot wasn’t that great anyway.

Rapids Fan Embraces Medieval Diseases For Home Field Advantage

Commerce City, CO - The threat of the plague from flea infested prairie dogs didn’t ruin the Colorado Rapids thrilling 6-3 victory over the Montreal Impact for some fans.

“Look, I have Anthony Hudson’s career, here… just take it.”  — “I’m not dead yet!” —  “YES, YOU ARE.”

“Look, I have Anthony Hudson’s career, here… just take it.”

— “I’m not dead yet!” —


Colorado Rapids supporter Anthony Raymond could be heard shouting “maybe we should threaten all our opponents with medieval diseases” to no one in particular, while leaving Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. He continued, “think about it, like, how hard are the Quakes going to play when they have to worry about typhus, leprosy, dysentery, malaria, diphtheria, vapors…. or the POX!”

Raymond seemed to be high spirits while in the stands, despite his failed chant attempts of “bring out <clap clap> your dead <clap clap>” and no one joining him while singing “Ring Around the Rosie”. Raymond also added a line to the 2019 Montreal Impact Season Wikipedia page which read “Cause of Death - The Plague” which he immediately screen shot and sent to all of his friends. He is still waiting for a response. 

The Nutmeg News reached out to Kroenke Sports & Entertainment to verify Raymond’s claims of the team name changing to the “Colorado Black Death” or “Colorado Bubonic” without response.

EDITORS NOTE: Stan Kroenke has still not publicly commented on the name change at the time of publication due to his long standing mandate of having zero clue about anything in his portfolio beyond the jars of pee he is collecting for his inaugural flight on the Spruce Goose.

Stadium Employee Can't Remember The Last Time They Had Flag At Full Mast

Kansas City, KS - Blake Edwards, a stadium employee and groundskeeper for Children’s Mercy Park, stated that he couldn’t remember the last time they had the American flag at full mast as an endless parade of national and international tragedies continues to manifest nearly every week.


“Between the shootings in Dayton, El Paso, Gilroy, South Bend, Highlands Ranch, Chicago, Nashville, Aurora, Brooklyn, Baltimore, Virginia Beach, Christchurch, Poway and the other roughly 237 mass shootings in the United States I can’t remember the last time that we had this thing all the way up.”

Employees say that Edwards used to spend a few minutes every week working to ensure the pulley system and ropes were still in good shape but that he has now given up the practice and is just waiting for 2020.

“It’s not that I think things will change. I know they won’t. I’m just hoping that we can get a window of time where there isn’t a mass shooting, national tragedy or international tragedy where I can verify that this thing gets raised all the way up.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 35 years from now a retiring Edwards notifies his successor that he can’t remember the last time this thing even moved.

"Plague Infected Prairie Dogs Are Not Even Worst Part Of The Colorado Rapids Season," States Supporter

Littleton, CO - Rapids supporter Doug Williams stated that, “the plague infect prairie dogs are not even the worst part of the Colorado Rapids season,” as he prepared for the Rapids slow assault on the Wooden Spoon.


“Oh sure, I was hoping to actually have some fireworks that might shed even a little joy on another season of shit, but honestly at this point I’m thinking of hanging out with the Prairie Dogs as an alternative to attending the game”

With the Rapids anchored to the bottom of the Western Conference, Williams indicated that there were at least 10 other things that made him angry other than a resurgence of the Black Death.

“20 points from 22 games. TWENTY. Good grief, you know what? Let’s start the Prairie Dogs and I’m betting we’d have more than 20 points.and 12 losses.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams spends most of the game saying, “at least we aren’t Cincinnati".”

Major League Soccer Announces Future Supporter Group Bans for Inter Miami Fans

ORLANDO - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced future supporters group bans for Inter Miami fans after they used smoke devices, drums and flags during a rally at the MLS All-Star game.

“This hooliganism must stop,” stated Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber. “We have collected the names and identities of all the fans in question and they will be banned as soon as they have a functioning team with home games.”

According to sources, Major League Soccer and Inter Miami used the picture as a promotional tool while also using it to identify all the people in the photo for future in-stadium camera analysis as they worked towards more security theater for the burgeoning franchise.

“We are very proud of our fans,” stated Inter Miami director of promotions before being called away for five minutes to talk to someone from MLS and returning to our reporter to state, “This shame on the league must not be allowed to fester. We will be conducting an internal investigation into the state of these hooligan firms.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS charges twice their normal rate for their fan conduct classes to get back the season tickets that fans haven’t even purchased yet.

USWNT Fan Excited For New Coach That Knows What They Are Doing After Two Time World Champion Jill Ellis Steps Down

Tampa, FL - USWNT fan Sondra Evans was reportedly ecstatic at the departure of two time World Champion Jill Ellis as she openly pined for a coach that, “knows what she is doing,” on Twitter.

“Her substitutions and player management were insane,” stated Evans on her personal Twitter account. “I’m happy that we can finally have a coach for the United States Women that knows what they are doing instead of just making up things as they go.”

Evans reportedly discounted the two World Cup wins by Ellis as a stroke of luck via riding the player pool of the United States as she found every possible excuse to not celebrate the outgoing coach of the reigning world champions.

“It was pure luck and all of the coaches she was up against were likely better than her and would’ve won with that team. She’s not the one that won the game, she’s the one that almost sabotaged it. We all know the true power was with the players and not the coaches because we watched those 20 second videos on Instagram and tic-toc that showed the slowed down hugs between players and staff that showed a real disconnect and the fact that everyone hates her including me.”

Despite Ellis’ victories in the World Cup, Evans stated that she never won the Olympic gold medal, “and that shows that she is a complete fraud at player management regardless of winning the world cup because anyone can do that and I just hate her.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans waits until there is a new coach to start hating them as well.

NPSL Team Abandons Game In Protest After Short Corner Actually Results In Goal

Grimes, IA - According to reporters on the scene, NPSL Mid-West-East-North, but not too south regional team Hard Grimes United quit en-masse after performing a successful short corner during their game against Madrid Barcelona FC.

short corners.jpg

“These things never work and the fact that it did work is a perfect example of how flawed the game is at a base level across the United States,” stated David Davidson, head coach of Grimes United. “I turned to walk back to the bench, as you typically do, only to find out that we scored. This is outrageous.”

Sources indicate that Grimes United played the ball in short to a midfielder who swept the ball in with his right foot before it was headed down by defender Jamison Williams to onrushing forward Mikael Acosta.

“Everyone knows that short corners do not work. EVERYONE,” stated Acosta. “I was thoroughly disgusted to put the ball in the net. I was disgusted for myself and I was disgusted for our opposition. I think the only way forward for them is seppuku.”

Players for Madrid Barcelona FC refused to speak to our reporters, but sources within the team indicated that they were dealing with the matter internally using both corporal punishment, wage docking and expulsion.

Owner of Madrid Barcelona FC Josef “Pappy” Dubois issued an open memo to the press containing the following statement.

“Today, the game has a shadow cast over it from our inability to guard a short corner. We brought the global game into ill repute. No one with our club escapes this shame. We will carry it to our graves and our children’s, children’s, children’s graves. Carved in our headstone will read, ‘Unable to defend short corner.’ We would like to thank our fans for their support up to this part of the season and we will offer refunds should they not wish the shame of continuing to be supporters of this club.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we speak to the referee at the game about his shame in being involved in calling the goal.

Phoenix Man Finally Crawls Out From Under Bleachers After Dollar Beer Night

Phoenix, AZ - Reports from the stands indicate that Pheonix Man Carlos Villareal finally crawled out from under the bleachers at Casino Arizona Field and returned home after the recent Dollar Beer Night promotion put together by Phoenix Rising on July 19th.



“Oh shit,” stated Villareal as he held his head, looked at the sun and checked his pockets for his sunglasses and keys. “What day is it?”

Dollar Beer Night at Phoenix Rising has fast become one of the best promotions in the United Soccer League, however it has lead to its own challenges as fans experience their own version of time travel related to the mass quantities of Beer being ingested.

“I had um….. um…… um…. I had… an appointment with, um…. a real… er.. a realtor,” stated Villareal as he attempted to find his car and the biggest bottle of Gatorade and Pedialyte he could find. “I’m going to have to re… whatever.. um… schedule, oh god my head.”

According to insider sources with the team, cots were set up and extra medics on staff to ensure that everyone made it out of the game alive.

“We are bound to miss a few of our exuberant fans,” stated one anonymous employee. “However, we just told the grounds crew and security to let them sleep it off, no matter how long it takes.”

With the next Phoenix Rising game away at Tulsa, the grounds crew stated that they would’ve let him sleep it off until the weekend, but were concerned about his health as they left him some water and some food.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Villareal prepares for the next dollar beer night on the 16th of August by doing a juice cleanse and then focusing on couch to AA program.

NPSL Member's Only Cup Jackets Set To Be Autumn Of 2019's Hottest Clothing Item

With the re-brand of the National Premier Soccer League’s (NPSL) Founders Cup to the Members Cup, style and clothing experts predict that the Member’s Only Cup Jackets will be the new hot trend for Autumn of 2019.

Members Cup.jpg

“We are bringing it BACK, baby” stated NPSL director of style and branding Keith “Tubbs” McGill. “With Donald Trump being everywhere these days and greed being good again we thought it was only fair to bring back the preeminent 1980s fashion trend in Members Only jackets for our Members Only Cup Jackets.”

Sources with the NPSL indicate that the jackets will come in four distinct colors of Electric Eggshell, Pernicious Pink, Luscious Lavender and Tubular Turquoise.

“Everything these days is a call back to a nostalgic time when you were young and you perceived the world as being easy. The Members Only Cup Jackets will be electric this season for just that reason,” stated McGill. “Our details will include embossed stars and team logos sewed into the jacket liner and an NPSL logo on the top chest clasp. It’s gonna be … wait for it… TOTALLY RADICAL!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as groups form to discuss Huey Lewis And The Nutmeg News.

SpaceX Set For Josef Martinez Penalty Kick Landing, Hottest Adidas Reentry Yet

Cape Canaveral, FL - SpaceX’s first Josef Martinez penalty kick is ready to wow crowds once more with a landing at Cape Canaveral and a center core recovery attempt more than 1200 km (750 mi) off the coast of Florida.


Stating, “Holy hell he shanked the crap out of that ball,” SpaceX mission commander Dave Stevens plotted the recovery attempt of the middle of the ball that Martinez nearly deposited into low Earth orbit alongside the leathery exterior of the ball that remained just outside the Mesosphere for over two days.

With Martinez attempting to become the first man to reach Mars with a penalty kick, SpaceX has its work cut out for themselves as they attempt to plan a way to keep the payload intact.

“It appears that the stutter step is not entirely functioning like a multi-stage rocket,” stated Stevens. “we thought that possibly hitting it in this fashion would alter the trajectory of the ball allowing it to reach the upper Mars atmosphere, but we didn’t even make it into the Exosphere.”

SpaceX stated they feel confident in the re-entry of Martinez shot as their abilities were built on their success at retrieving Michael Bradley’s penalty shot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ball collides with the Italian space program’s nascent attempt to reach the moon in 1994.

Whitecaps Fan Wistfully Reminisces About The Last Time She Had Hope

Vancouver, BC - According to friends in attendance, Whitecaps fan Kelly Riordan spent most of her Monday evening wistfully reminiscing about the last time she had hope in a season as she fondly recalled a time gone by and players long since departed.

“If I have another I’m going to start talking about 2008 and 2009.”

“If I have another I’m going to start talking about 2008 and 2009.”

“Oh but I was younger then,” stated Riordan as she gazed off into the distance. “We all were, Jeff… Karl…. Pete… I remember when Pete would come to games. Oh god, what a time we would have back when it felt like maybe something good could happen.”

Riordan spent most of the evening sitting in a booth surrounded by four friends attempting to drink away their remembrances of a Monday that seemed like it would never depart.

“We had fun, then, even if it didn’t quite seem like it at the time. Even though 2015 was a mirage, there were times when I could actually believe, but…. well… belief is in hard supply these days.”

Friends state that Riordan recalled the golden years of Martin Rennie, Carl Robinson, and Teitur Thordarson as she tried to make sense of the past few years.

“I know I’m going to be around because apparently I’m a masochist,” stated Riordan into her beer. “But I can’t help but think of the people we lost along the way to gardening, hiking, skiing and bike riding. I can’t blame them but somehow I can’t leave….. even though I’ve spent most of this year wanting to leave. Some days I just stare at my game calendar in Google and wonder why.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Riordan lies to herself about not attending the next home game.

Fan's Estimation Of, "Like Two Million Fouls In That Game," Proven To Be Incorrect

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Deborah Williams estimation of, “Like, two million fouls in that game,” was proven to be incorrect by statisticians with Opta and the Cambridge Institute Of Football Research, on Tuesday.

“If… IF you carry over transitive fouling are we talking about an exponential increase in overall foul markers for the game?”

“If… IF you carry over transitive fouling are we talking about an exponential increase in overall foul markers for the game?”

“We looked at Ms. Williams estimation and were concerned,” stated Enrique Humberto of Opta. “After all, two million fouls in a game would be a new record and would likely be a seismic shift in the way the game is played. We had to investigate so we put together a task force with the Cambridge Institute Of Football Research to count all the fouls in the Seattle versus Portland game to determine whether there were, in fact, two million fouls.”

Statisticians with CIOFR indicate that doubts were raised instantaneously as the game didn’t have the number of fouls per minute to result in two million fouls within the first two or three minutes.

“We knew that we were on to something big at this point,” stated Geoffrey Haverbrook of CIOFR. “If Ms. Williams estimation was correct then that game should see roughly 22,222 fouls per minute. After our researchers did NOT see 22,222 fouls in the first minute they suspected that perhaps her estimate was off.”

According to first year researcher Delmond Lewis he was startled by the stark difference.

“I expected blood and carnage and instead I got some people passing the ball around the back. I kept waiting for even 1,000 fouls or maybe 500 fouls per minute but instead we were treated to a lack of statistical action based upon the expectations that we had.”

With the research finally in, CIOFR and Opta both issued a statement widely panning the estimation of Ms. Williams as they elucidated that there were not two million fouls in that game.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a chastened Ms. Williams states that, “Portland are LITERALLY the worst team in soccer,” leading to a flurry of activity with CIOFR again.

Role-Locking Could Be Coming To The Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Today, a collection of Major League Soccer memos leaked that THE Major League Soccer is apparently looking at copying Overwatch League by implementing role-locking.

“If only we could get these kinds of spectacles”  Mary Altaffer - The Washington Post/File

“If only we could get these kinds of spectacles”

Mary Altaffer - The Washington Post/File

Sources within the league indicate that MLS looked towards the popular E-Sports league in order to figure out how to re-invigorate their competition as they toyed around with the idea of role locking all Major League Soccer teams to a 4-4-2 team composition.

“We noticed the popularity of Overwatch and realized that we may have something to learn from them. After all, the league actually got airtime on ABC recently and we’ve been relegated to ESPNews,” stated one anonymous insider. “So where they are locking team compositions to two damage-dealers, two supports, and two tanks, we are looking at locking team compositions to four defenders, four midfielders and two forwards.”

The memos indicate that teams and players would be restricted by the new rules in both composition and position on the field.

“If you are defender you can only play within the first third of the field,” stated the memo. “If a player advances beyond that position then a foul is immediately called and the ball is turned over to the other team. Midfielders can only play within the middle third of the field and forwards can only play in the final third of the field.”

Sources indicate that Major League Soccer is hoping that this will prevent them from opening the purse strings during the next Collective Bargaining Agreement.

“We are going to enforce players to be the players you think they are,” stated one anonymous General Manager. “No more marauding fullbacks, no more false 9 midfielders. Forwards will finally play forward, defenders will be tanks and your defensive midfielder will not be making game saving clearances off the line. It’s been a long time coming that we listened to fans of other games. This will finally simplify the game for American audiences. This is Foosball for football. I think it’s finally time that the world admitted that Johan Cruyff was full of shit and total football is a lie.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer tries to exceed the television ratings for competitive Overwatch.

Distraught LAFC Players Unable To Find Fans To Salute After Successful Away Fans Camouflage

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) players were reportedly distraught after being unable to salute their travelling fans at the end of the El Tráfico rivalry game as the away fans traveled in camouflage.

LAFC fans in the stands

LAFC fans in the stands

“We were very disappointed in the result, but I always want to tell our fans that we appreciate them,” stated one anonymous player. “I looked everywhere in the stadium and couldn’t find them. I know that this result didn’t go their way, but I didn’t think our fans would just abandon us like that.”

Managers and staff were equally mystified saying that they looked exactly where they thought that the fans would be, but didn’t see anything.

“This is really unbelievable,” stated one assistant coach. “I just didn’t think that our fans would abandon us. I looked up at the area where they supposed to be and all I saw was the typical Woodland markings as one would expect in Los Angeles at this time of year. I expect to see all of our travelling support, not a bunch of tree, shrub and shadow blob markings indicative of a high contrast disruptive pattern with irregular markings in sand, brown, green and black. I’m just shattered to be honest.”

Fans state that they were actually there the whole time as their attempt at Camouflage succeeded perfectly showing that, in fact, they were ready for battle by disappearing completely from battle as successful camouflage does.

“We won in the stands by being united and visibly invisible,” stated one anonymous LAFC fan. “It’s important for us to show our team that we are united by wearing clothes designed to disguise an individual or group. It’s WAR…. on the beer stands and VICTORY over cotton candy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we attempt to interview an LAFC fan regarding this but end up speaking to a speckled pattern of light in the Los Angeles woodland.