Grimes, IA - According to reporters on the scene, NPSL Mid-West-East-North, but not too south regional team Hard Grimes United quit en-masse after performing a successful short corner during their game against Madrid Barcelona FC.
“These things never work and the fact that it did work is a perfect example of how flawed the game is at a base level across the United States,” stated David Davidson, head coach of Grimes United. “I turned to walk back to the bench, as you typically do, only to find out that we scored. This is outrageous.”
Sources indicate that Grimes United played the ball in short to a midfielder who swept the ball in with his right foot before it was headed down by defender Jamison Williams to onrushing forward Mikael Acosta.
“Everyone knows that short corners do not work. EVERYONE,” stated Acosta. “I was thoroughly disgusted to put the ball in the net. I was disgusted for myself and I was disgusted for our opposition. I think the only way forward for them is seppuku.”
Players for Madrid Barcelona FC refused to speak to our reporters, but sources within the team indicated that they were dealing with the matter internally using both corporal punishment, wage docking and expulsion.
Owner of Madrid Barcelona FC Josef “Pappy” Dubois issued an open memo to the press containing the following statement.
“Today, the game has a shadow cast over it from our inability to guard a short corner. We brought the global game into ill repute. No one with our club escapes this shame. We will carry it to our graves and our children’s, children’s, children’s graves. Carved in our headstone will read, ‘Unable to defend short corner.’ We would like to thank our fans for their support up to this part of the season and we will offer refunds should they not wish the shame of continuing to be supporters of this club.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we speak to the referee at the game about his shame in being involved in calling the goal.