Racist And White Nationalist NYCFC Fans Decry, "Online Bullies," As Being, "Nazis, But Not The Kind We Love"

NEW YORK - Racist, white nationalist New York City FC (NYCFC) fans reportedly were very upset that their cover was blown and their information distributed online as they called out the so-called, “online bullies,” as being, “Nazis, but not the kind we love.”

from http://nycfootballsolidarity.org/TRUEBLUES.pdf

“We love Nazi’s like Goebbels, Richard Spencer and Iowa politician Steve King, but this kind of Nazi persecution is absolutely bullshit,” stated one racist dickhead man. “I don’t understand why a person who hates immigrants, Jews, Muslims, women, and pretty much everyone else can’t attend a soccer game in peace. I don’t understand why a person who wants to create a white ethnostate and makes Nazi salutes in the stands can’t attend a soccer game in peace. I just want to go to the game, throw out Nazi salutes and tell other fans about why they should hate all the immigrants that surround them in the supporters group and then, after the game, beat up other fans, supporters and random people in the street. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?”

According to insider sources, NYCFC decided to ignore the attendance of these bigoted people in the stadium and among their travelling fans despite the repeated entreaties of other NYCFC fans as the club stated, “We believe in the rights of all fans to attend our games regardless of whether they want hot dogs with ketchup, Mix Diskerud back on the team, or whether they call for an extermination all Muslims and Jewish people globally in order to create a homogeneous culture of pure hatred and extremism.”

Groups of NYCFC fans reportedly resorted to banners, public shaming, a social media campaign, and reaching out to their NYCFC representatives in order to prevent the racists from attending NYCFC games.

“We were able to prove that some of these people marched with the KKK in Charlottesville and attacked people in the streets in New York City,” stated one anonymous NYCFC fan. “These people engage in violent extremism and the club just continues to do nothing.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to NYCFC about the situation and they again stated that their hands were tied.

“What are we supposed to do,” stated NYCFC president Jon Patricof. “It’s like the fans expect the organization to keep them safe or something. Look, it’s just a few in stadium Nazi salutes and white power stickers by our fans. Whats the big deal?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC continues to do nothing.

Co-Workers Allege Simulation As Flu Symptoms Worsen For Timbers Fan

Portland, OR - Co-workers of Timbers fan Heather Bronby are alleging simulation as her apparent flu symptoms worsen with the upcoming playoff game against the Seattle Sounders coming up on Thursday evening.

“I don’t know, everyone… I’m just not feeling well,” wheezed Bronby as she forced out a cough, a sniffle and staggered to her desk to sit down. “I really don’t think I’m going to be coming in tomorrow.”

Office co-worker Lisa Anderson was not sympathetic as she indicated her suspicion.

“I know that Heather told me she recently got her flu shot,” stated Ms. Anderson. “There’s no way this performance is believable. She’s just trying to get out of work on Thursday for the game.”

Sources indicate that Ms. Bronby began feeling the flu like symptoms on Monday morning as she entered her office holding a Kleenex while softly stating that she lost her voice overnight and was starting to feel a body ache.

“WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE SEASON TICKETS, HEATHER,” stated compliance officer Dan Stevens to the pale and unsteady Bronby in the break room as she attempted to close the sports section that was sitting out as a reminder of the previous day victory.

“I haven’t felt this bad in AGES,” stated Bronby aloud to no one in particular. “I definitely feel like I’m coming down with the flu, or a cold or something that’s going to keep me out for probably …. oh…. I don’t know…. Thursday and Friday of this week.”

Manager Fred Angle stated that he has no choice but to approve Ms. Bronby’s sick day request if she continues this charade even though he doubts the sincerity of her affliction.

“This is the worst performance I’ve seen since Ralph called in sick with endometriosis to watch the Golden State Warriors playoff game,” stated Angle to The Nutmeg News.

However, Ms. Bronby continued her elegant performance as she splashed water on her face and stated, “oh my, I’m just not feeling well AT ALL,” to the entire break room as she poured another cup of coffee.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Bronby’s illness appears to be completely gone without a trace by Monday morning.

Area Man Actually Wants Skip Bayless' Opinion On Soccer

Tulsa, OK - After a fascinating Major League Soccer playoff weekend featuring a number of compelling matches, area man David Hughes emphatically indicated that he actually wanted Skip Bayless’ opinion on soccer.

“Why isn’t Bayless talking about soccer this morning,” ranted Hughes to his aghast friends who started physically moving away from the Oklahoma man at the very thought of this happening. “We need more people like Bayless and Stephen A. Smith yelling very loud things about the game after this kind of weekend.”

While friends attempted to calm Hughes down and inform him that no one should actually want Skip Bayless’ opinion on anything remotely related to soccer, the Tulsa man composed a tweet that he targeted towards Bayless, Smith and any sports personality with a talk show as he attempted to force them to speak on the subject of soccer and the Major League Soccer playoffs.

“Dear God in heaven I don’t know why he would ask such a thing,” stated good friend Wanda Evans. “There isn’t one person in the world that thinks that Bayless should say even one syllable about soccer. Hell, he really shouldn’t talk about Basketball either, but that’s not my fanbase.”

According to insiders, the friends and family of Hughes are reportedly staging and intervention after this recent outburst in an attempt to keep Hughes from successfully reaching out to the aforementioned media muppets.

As well, associates of Hughes created a Change.Org petition stating, “We, the undersigned, do not support this action and we renounce the views of David Hughes. Keep our sport Bayless free.”

The Nutmeg News will hopefully have no more on this.

"I Was Too Busy Getting More Toilet Paper Rolls To Throw On The Field To Yell A Homophobic Slur," Argues LAFC Fan

LOS ANGELES - While Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) were upset by Real Salt Lake (RSL) in the opening game of the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs, LAFC fan Kyle Schwarber stated that he wasn’t involved in the bad behavior as he argued, “I was too busy getting more toilet paper rolls to throw on the field to yell a homophobic slur,” to his online friends.

“You can’t hear the fans all yelling the same slur from a picture!”

Schwarber attempted to defend his fellow fans over what he deemed a, “witch hunt over some minor bad behavior that resulted from like one or two people,” as he admitted that he spent part of the second half trying to find any projectiles that he could use to throw on the field at the end of the game.

“It’s important to let them know we are here,” stated Schwarber as he intentionally aimed a piece of ice towards a substitute only to have it bounce off the head of a fellow fan below him. “But I don’t think we have bad fans, and obviously the chant really isn’t homophobic because we don’t mean it that way in our hearts, you feel me? Even though I DEFINITELY wasn’t doing any of the chanting and nobody in my area was either, definitely, but even if people were, which they weren’t, it isn’t homophobic because… look…. you KNOW we aren’t homophobic. I mean, we had like a rainbow flag thing at one point.”

Schwarber went on to say, “some of my best friends are gay so I’m definitely not homophobic, I just think they are making too big a deal of this whole deal, but like I said I wasn’t the one doing the chant anyway and no one was in my section,” as he threw a full toilet paper roll towards Real Salt Lake goalkeeper Nick Rimando at the end of the game.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as, shockingly, every single LAFC fan claims that no one in their section was doing the chant.

College Freshman Clearly Experimenting With Promotion/Relegation

Gainesville, FL - On a return to his childhood home, it was noticed that University Of Florida freshman Jimmy Feldman is clearly experimenting with promotion/relegation as he embarked on a long winded rant to his younger cousin Brooklyn about the dangers of a closed system.

“All we need is to have it….. like, now… somehow…. and the masses will be free. It’s like another state of consciousness.”

“You gotta open your EYES, man,” stated Feldman to the wide eyed and impressionable youth that looked at him from the corner of the kitchen where Feldman was holding court. “Did you know that the European leagues promote AND relegate their teams? Did you know that? Did you know that. DID. YOU. KNOW. THAT.”

Reportedly, Feldman’s behavior towards soccer started to change as he entered college and started to be exposed to peer pressure.

“I think I was the first person that really got him into sub elite European soccer clubs,” stated one anonymous soccer dealer. “It really connected with him. Man, you could tell that he was just feeling it right off the bat. Like, he was just grooving on that shit.”

Friends state that Feldman stopped talking as often about schoolwork, his family, his ex-girlfriend, Orlando City, or even the US Open Cup and started talking more about SV Darmstadt 98 and league operating structures.

"It’s impossible for anyone anywhere to care about the results of a closed league,” stated Feldman as he paused to watch a highlight from the recent Jaguars game. “No one in this country cares about ANYTHING except upward mobility. Promotion/Relegation allows teams to transcend class structure while letting them leave behind the ragged poverty of lower division football. It’s only a matter of time before EVERYTHING has promotion/relegation. Hell, life should have promotion and relegation. If it works in Darmstadt, Hesse it can work in Gainesville. Both situations and cities are directly comparable. As a matter of fact, the only reason why Gainesville doesn’t have a professional team is because there’s no chance of that team playing in Major League Soccer. We could be the Eintracht Braunschweig of the American Premier League.”

After watching a YouTube video on the league structure of Germany for the 200th time, Feldman became so entranced by the idea and identity that being an advocate of promotion and relegation allows him that he talked about quitting school to focus on spreading the message.

“I’m just going to start a twitter account and YouTube channel that will really allow me to reach everyone and let soccer fans here know that they are just communists. We need to stop subsidizing soccer and let the free market figure things out. I’ve started reading this book by an unknown novelist named Ayn Rand that talks about how it’s the responsibility of teams to only care about their own happiness which I’ve interpreted as being market value, branding and corporate profits. We need capitalism in our soccer structure and not socialism. All teams should have a fair ability to generate the most capital for their structured shareholders and… you know… the fans.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Feldman attempts to discover his own voice in the crowded online landscape.

Supporter In Local Grocery Store Narrowly Avoids Talking To Stranger He Recognizes From Game

Bloomington, MN - Minnesota United supporter Gunnar Svenson stated that, as he shopped at the Cub Foods on Lyndale Ave, he narrowly avoided talking to a stranger that he recognized from recent Minnesota United games.

Photo: Rich Johnstone

“It was a bit of a dodge and weave,” stated Svenson to The Nutmeg News. “I saw him in the aisle buying pop and I was going to buy some myself so I quickly wheeled the shopping cart around and headed for quite literally anywhere else. This is essentially how I ended up bringing home 3 tubes of cinnamon rolls, bacon and fluid for my oil lamp.”

Svenson stated that he didn’t want to try to make small talk with someone with whom he has only exchanged glances.

“Oh sure, small talk, yeah, no… hell no. Look, we shared a high five once and we do that nod thing… right? So there’s no way I’m getting past him in an aisle. All we know about each other is that we attend the same sport and typically stand in the supporters section. Where do you even start? I’m not about to bring up the game, and if I don’t its just going to be the both of us staring at our feet trying to figure out when we can get out of a conversation.”

Friends state that Svenson typically doesn’t have a problem making friends, but that his introvert tendencies have problems when two of his interests collide.

“Oh sure, you bet… I like to keep it separate. I have my soccer life, my soccer friends and then I have that time where I’m buying anti-diarrhea medicine and clif bars. I’d rather not combine the two.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Svenson attempts to avoid eye contact with a woman he knows from games while riding the bus.

Jilted Vancouver Whitecaps Take Turns Reading Entries From Team Burn Book

VANCOUVER - Jilted Vancouver Whitecaps players reportedly took turns reading from a newly discovered team Burn Book during a hyperbolic and shameful press conference on October, 30th.

Reporter Juliet Lee brought up the locker room chemistry for the Whitecaps before she was interrupted by an apoplectic Kendall Waston who declared the team situation poisonous after discovering the anonymous book. The defender howled about the Whitecaps lockeroom being a powderkeg of unchecked emotions, teenage hormones and locker room cliques.

“Kei is SUCH a drama queen,” stated Kendall Waston as he furiously licked his index finger and turned the page while reading from the book that allegedly contains all the team secrets. “He sat at the cafeteria with Cristian when he was SUPPOSED to sit at the table with Jake. And his hair is terrible too. Nicolás never passes the ball either and everyone knows it.”

All the team secrets were subsequently revealed as Waston read hot takes on Russel Teibert, Felipe, and Brek Shea who was likened to a preening geoduck ready for market. Meanwhile, a sad Russel Teibert was taken off stage while calling for team unity by Nicolás Mezquida who claimed to have seen a tall shadow leaving the locker room before the book was discovered by Waston.

Whitecaps midfielder Effy Juarez decried the usage of a Burn Book calling it sophomoric and stating that if he had his way that the player who created it would be paraded in front of the entire Whitecaps front office at the next school assembly.

The Nutmeg News reached out to forward Kei Kamara who declared the team locker room to be exactly like Heathers and not Mean Girls because it’s the reference he is more comfortable understanding at 34 years old.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we quickly determine that no one in the front office of the Whitecaps will be held to blame for the toxicity of the locker room.

Orlando City Fan Carves Away Record On Pumpkin For Jack-O'-Lantern Contest

Orlando, FL - In an effort to win the Orlando City scary pumpkin carving contest, local fan Jasmine Gutierrez carved the Orlando City Soccer Club away record of 2 wins and 15 losses on her pumpkin as she prepared to win.

“This is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen,” stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “Playing 17 games on the road and losing 15 of them is absolutely terrifying.”

Insider sources with the team state that there is no possibility that Gutierrez’s pumpkin will win given the embarrassing record, however they stated, “Good god, we’d really just like to forget that, ok?”

For her part, Gutierrez is hopeful for 2019 as she stated, “I’m looking forward to only losing 14 games on the road next year. It’s going to be a tough goal, but it is realistic, at least.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez gets a call from her season ticket representative about taking the MLS Fan Conduct classes in order to retain her season ticket rights.

Child Forced To Change Halloween Costume To "Portable MLS Playoff Game" Teletubby

Philadelphia, PA - With the upcoming Philadelphia Union playoff game scheduled at 7:00 pm on Halloween, Philadelphia Union fan Bill Hastings unequivocally stated that his 4 year old daughter Olivia would now be going as a“Portable MLS Playoff Game” Teletubby named “Doopy Doopy” as he threw away her Darth Vader costume for something that he quickly began assembling.

“You’ll be pulling this generator filled with gas that will power a 20 inch LCD monitor that I’ve configured to hang around your shoulders and waist,” stated Hastings. “I’ve sewn in a Raspberry Pi circuitboard into your costume that will allow me to stream from my phone to the television that is under your costume for as long as the generator will hold out. and I’m using Raspberry Pi W so I’ll use the wireless on my phone to cast the game.”

Reportedly, this quick change in costume did not sit well with 5 year old Olivia Hastings who stated, "Dad, I"m too old for teletubbies. I want to be Darth Vader."

However, Hastings insisted in the costume change as he told his child, “Look, it’s not my fault the league schedules the playoffs on Halloween. Daddy still wants to go trick or treating, but he just needs Doopy Doopy to walk backwards and pull this generator while we are out getting candy. It’s not that complicated and NO whining.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings tries to create a drone to airlift him beers at every house he visits.

The Business Casuals Schedule Punch Up With Happy Hour Lads For Rights To Perry Ellis

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York supporters group The Business Casuals reportedly scheduled a punch up with the Happy Hour Lads for the rights to wear Perry Ellis after a meetup at Ulysses Folk House ended up with a challenge given and accepted.

“We took those lads to the dry cleaners,” stated Casuals member Prescott Harold Rightson Jr. “They came in with their pressed chinos, their boat shoes, and their Macy’s discount knockoff Perry Ellis and we filed a cease and desist order on the spot. Only my gang runs in those colors. If you come correct at me, bruv, you better be sporting the periwinkle slim fit check shirt of The Business Casuals.”

People on the scene indicate that the two supporters groups of New York City FC met up for an informal meet and greet at Ulysses as it was decided to be neutral ground between Dorrian's (the home bar of The Business Casuals) and Mad Dog & Beans (the home bar of the Happy Hour Lads).

“They exchanged business cards, first, with several of the Happy Hour Lads admiring the raised and embossed lettering of The Business Casuals,” stated bartender Carlotta Franklin of JP Morgan. “It was then that the trouble happened.”

According to Ms. Franklin, Happy Hour Lads member Charles Banks Evans walked in wearing a checked Perry Ellis shirt with personalized cuff-links and a bow-tie which reportedly was an affront to the aesthetic sensibilities of The Business Casuals who immediately fired a witty rejoinder towards the genealogy of Mr. Evans as it relates to his possibly Irish blood.

“Things were tense, but I told the boys that if they wanted to fight, they would have to do it in a court of law or outside in the sick that the guys from Goldman Sachs desposited in the alleyway down the street.”

It was then that the challenge was given for a no bats, no guns, no monogramed flasks fight between The Business Casuals and the Happy Hour lads.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the two cannot agree to a time frame for the fight that actually works with their schedule and allows everyone to attend because Thomas has meetings at 8, 9, 11:30 and 4:00 on Mondays, the game is Sunday, everyone is expected to come in on Saturday, Randall is travelling to DC next week and there’s an all hands meeting on Tuesday followed by individual evaluations for the 3rd quarter.

Austin Bold Considering Move To Columbus

Austin, TX - Austin Bold, the new United Soccer League (USL) expansion team, indicated that while they remain bullish for their success in the Austin area that they are considering a move to Columbus, Ohio if they are unable to obtain a foothold in the community.

It’s better than Helvetica United

“We remain thoroughly invested in the Austin community,” stated Austin Bold press secretary Travis Wells. “However, we reserve the right to explore other communities that may be more receptive to our situation.”

Insiders say that the executives for Austin Bold are concerned that with the possibility of a Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise that they will have an issue pulling a crowd in a city that has been relatively lukewarm for local soccer teams in the past.

“They are absolutely terrified,” stated one anonymous insider. “At this point they are exploring playing in Mapfre Stadium if the Columbus Crew get another downtown stadium built. All options are on the table.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin Bold consider a re-brand to Tahoma Bold Faux Italic.

Atlanta United Fans Prepare For Biggest Club Transition Since Not Having A Team Two Years Ago

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fans were reportedly preparing for the biggest club transition since not having a team two years ago as rumors continued to swirl that head coach Tata Martino will be leaving the side at the end of the year.

“Oh god, it’s like …… um……………………. well……. ok, I guess I don’t really have any kind of historical nostalgia to fall back on,” stated Atlanta United fan Hector Gomez.

Fans of Atlanta United have been nervously awaiting this day since the team started playing well last year as it became obvious that if they kept it up that Tata Martino would be a wanted man.

“I was worried about this in January,” stated Atlanta United fan Shondra Evans. “We played so well last year, I just knew that if we played well this year he might go somewhere. And now that somewhere is somewhere else and that time is now and I guess I’m just going through my first broken heart with this team.”

Dissident fan Travis Brown stated that he was fine with Martino leaving because, “I’m just saying man, he hasn’t gotten it done in the playoffs. In the entire history of this team we’ve never ONCE made MLS Cup. This is some bullshit. It’s time for new blood. TATA OUT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors continue to inflame the passions of fans in the area.

Soccer Game Interrupts Vulnerability Remediation And Patching Summit

VANCOUVER - A soccer game between the Vancouver Whitecaps and Sporting Kansas City interrupted a vulnerability remediation and patching summit between sysads of three different Vancouver based companies on Wednesday night.

“Look, all I’m saying is that the fourth quarter patching cycle is limping along towards the year end compliance goals as it relates to… um… WHAT THE FUCK, NERWINSKI,” stated Sasha Milovacic.

“Yeah, um… I was fully in a Tomcat/Java patching hell and I’m never not going to be pa..er… um…. HEY BREK, THE END OF THE SEASON IS NEAR. THANKS,” stated Atsushi Yamamoto.

Milovacic, Yamamoto and good friend Carla Cordeiro spent most of the second half talking about their respective professions as they unburdened themselves to each other about the mundane hell of vulnerability remediation, patching, production environments and linux environments.

“I didn’t even have access to upgrade my RHEL6 servers to RHEL7 because the network policy won’t all….. HEY GODDAMMIT BOYS, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE,” stated Ms Cordeiro to no one in particular as the Whitecaps gave up another goal and she took another drink of the $9.25 beer that she nursed.

According to fans around the trio, they spent most of the second half talking because the game was a dumpster fire, they had season tickets and at this point they might as well drink, complain and endure.

“I’d be doing it to if I had someone to talk to about Oracle security upgrades,” stated administrator Frank Devon who admitted to not remembering what it was like to feel joy at games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all three of the sysads agree that at least they aren’t assigned a Perl application to support for the rest of their life.

Brave Hero Travels Internet Reminding People They Can't Really Enjoy Rooney's Goal Because It's MLS

INTERNET - Brave internet hero George “zerocool” Williams reportedly traveled the internet yesterday evening performing a heroic civic duty of reminding everyone that they shouldn’t enjoy the Wayne Rooney free kick goal because it was scored in Major League Soccer (MLS).

“Keeper shoulda had it,” stated Williams to 128 different Twitter accounts who gleefully tweeted out the gif of Rooney’s goal only to have their night ruined by Williams in one fell swoop. “The standard of goalkeeping in this league is so bad that it’s not really a surprise. How on earth you could enjoy this shit is beyond me. The standard is abysmal. It’s probably not even amateur level in Hampstead Heath.”

Williams kept to his guns despite extreme pressure from outside Twitter accounts who labeled him a troll as he boldly ensured that no one on the internet would enjoy this goal in peace.

“Terrible league and really it wasn’t that special,” stated Williams to @Red2706 a 12 year old boy in Baltimore who idolizes Wayne Rooney. “You should be watching good players in good leagues and not this trash stuff.”

Williams didn’t limit his efforts to Twitter as he also logged on to Facebook in order to ensure that everyone would understand that their reaction to this free kick goal should be restrained and muted disapproval of the goalkeeping, defense and overall league intensity.

“I don’t know how you could watch this and not understand that it would be saved by 99% of goalkeepers in the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, and even the Eredivisie,” ranted Williams to a Facebook group to which he was just admitted. “The fact that you think this goal is special is just proof that you don’t watch enough soccer.”

For his part, Williams intends to continue his crusade until he ruins the enjoyment of every special moment that any fan of the beautiful game could possibly have.

“I have standards and while they may be high…. the very fact that you would ask me why I would do this shows that you just don’t understand the game at my level. Wayne’s goal was like the Star Wars prequels and the sequels and really Star Wars in general. Utter Trash.”

The Nutmeg News will have more no this as Williams breaks down why this goal was nothing special on his YouTube page, blog, Twitter account, Reddit account, Facebook account and shouting at strangers on street corners around the world.

Nations League Slammed By President Trump For, "Not Solving Problems"

WASHINGTON - The Nations League, a UEFA organized biennial soccer tournament, was slammed by President Donald Trump for, “Not solving problems,” as the President took to Twitter to blast the international sports tournament

“The Nations League has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time,” stated President Trump from his Twitter account.

According to DC Insiders, President Trump saw the Nations Cup trending online and took a shot at the tournament as he confused it with the United Nations and the League of Nations.

“"When do you see the Nations League solving problems?” stated President Trump into a bathroom mirror. “They don’t. They cause problems. We should bomb them, and throw away the key. I’ll tell them and I’ll force them and they’ll love me for it.”

President Trump then took to Twitter to castigate the Nations League for not having the United States at the tournament as he stated, “Things will be different with the United States involved.”

President Trump also dismissed rumors that the United States missed the 2018 World Cup as, “Fake News,” stating that, “The United States didn’t miss the World Cup, the United States won the World Cup like we win everything and we will renegotiate the Nations League to get coal back and to put our farmers back to work in the fields.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alexi Lalas praises President Trump for his leadership on this matter.

Audi Player Index In Shop Again After Suffering Transmission Problem

The Audi Player Index is reportedly in the shop again after suffering a transmission problem prior to the New England Revolution and Orlando City game on Sunday evening.

“We tried to start it up, and get it on the broadcast and it just won’t go,” stated Major League Soccer (MLS) statistician and branding expert Hubert Genoa. “I don’t know what happened, but over the years we’ve been having more and more issues with the Audi Player Index so we finally just had to get it hauled off to the shop, again.”

Mechanics with the European Metrics and Motorsport Shop indicate that the problem is an incorrect tabulation that suppresses the “goals functionality”. The part will cost $4500 to replace and will need to be flown in from Audi headquarters in Ingolstadt, Germany. The labor to install the part will require at least 8 hours of work.

“We won’t be able to do any tabulation or data shifting until we replace this mechanism,” stated data expert Ralph Sosa. “The numbers just won’t make any sense. We can’t even get this thing out of the garage at this point.”

Sources within Major League Soccer indicate that this might be the last straw for the Audi Player Index as the unreliability of the metric finally upset the wrong persons at the league.

“All I know is that they were kicking the API and shouting at it. No one likes to get out to their Audi and find it dead, but here we are. I told them they should’ve gotten a Volvo Player Index, but no one listens to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Major League Soccer replaces their Audi with a Volkswagen and realizes that the numbers are all manipulated.

Dave Sarachan Claims Squatters Rights On USMNT Position

East Hartford, CT - Speaking to a collected group of reporters before the United States game against Peru, current interim head coach Dave Sarachan invoked squatters rights and stated that he would not be leaving any time soon.

“This is adverse possession,” stated Sarachan to the press. “The doctrine of adverse possession discourages disuse of property. According to the doctrine, if property was abandoned, the squatter could gain control over the coaching position.”

Legal experts for the United States Soccer Federation claim that Sarachan may have a legal position here as the head coaching job was vacated by Bruce Arena with little notice.

“He’s been squatting in this position for 10 games and over a year,” stated USSF lawyer Sandi Hannover. “We didn’t realize that until today and now we don’t really have legal recourse to force him out.”

Insiders with the USSF indicate that this isn’t the worst thing that could happen because it does relieve the pressure of the ongoing and unending coaching search.

“It kinda fixes a problem that the USSF didn’t really want to resolve by any other methodology,” stated our anonymous source. “I think they will just roll with this until the team starts losing again and then fire him. It’s a wash, rinse, repeat moment for the federation and takes the pressure off the executives.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a bearded Sarachan moves into the USSF headquarters in Chicago with his acoustic guitar, his tabla and his Jack Johnson tabs.

Bad Behavior By Individual Casts Shadow Over Entirety Of Supporters Groups

Orlando, FL - The bad behavior by Atlanta United fan James Howard, at a bar in Epcot Center on Sunday, cast a shadow over the entirety of the supporters groups and the collected fanbase for Atlanta United as Howard and all Atlanta United fans were castigated for his drunken behavior online.

A-T-L!

A-T-L!

A-T-L!

“Sir, we are going to have to ask you to leave”

“Atlanta United fans will need to have a word with themselves,” stated twitter loudmouth @SecondThoughtOnSoccer. “This kind of behavior is exactly the thing that Major League Soccer will need to stamp out if it wants to make it as a global league.”

Howard was reportedly on vacation in Disney World when he became drunk and disorderly after having one too many beers in the German Biergarten of Epcot Center.

“He was wearing a soccer shirt!! He kept singing soccer songs,” stated one anonymous patron. “I KNEW those soccer hooligans would eventually turn to violence or song. I do not sing out loud. That is not accepted in OUR culture.”

Internet sleuths, reprobates and people with zero personal life were able to discern, from a video tweeted out about the incident, that Mr. Howard attended at least one Atlanta United game in the past two months as they reached out to his work, personal life and the collected supporters groups to disown Mr. Howard’s churlish behavior.

“Is THIS the kind of image we want for Major League Soccer?” asked @OCSCLifeTime to the Footie Mob Twitter account.

“This is exactly how we know that American fans only care about drinking and not about the intricacies of the global game,” stated @ProRelForMyBedroom.

Mr. Howard claimed that he just had one or two beers too many and was asked to leave, but reportedly received a notice from Major League Soccer that in order to attend another game he will be required to attend mandatory substance abuse counseling and see a therapist for the next 2 months.

“We will see about re-instating him for the 2019 season,” stated MLS Director of cracking down, Ray Whitworth. “If it was my choice, we would ban him and all hooligans like him for life.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as members of Footie Mob, Resurgence, Faction, and Terminus Legion try to figure out if any of their members even know this guy.

Rec League Roundup: Referee For Tonight's Game Has A Date In 90 Minutes

Landisville, PA - Referee Peter Smith reportedly told both Stefano’s Hot Links FC and Chipotle United that, “I have a date tonight so lets get this game going,” as he planned on ending the Rec League game by 8:15 pm regardless of what is happening on the field.

“I’ve got a date and we are going to the Olive Garden by the Park City Center so there’s no way I’m making it on time unless this game is over by 8:15,” stated Referee Smith. “If you want to play a full 90 tonight, you better get moving.”

Smith reportedly called over both team Captains to voice his displeasure at the last game when he had to leave in order to make it to his Chemistry class at Stevens College in Lancaster and was yelled at for awarding zero stoppage time minutes after an inadvertent slide tackle set off a 3 minutes pushing session during the second half.

“I don’t care if you guys bash against each other and fight for 90 minutes, we are getting out of here on time,” stated Smith. “I don’t care if the players are taken off on stretchers at this point. Consider this your only warning. This shit is thunderdome tonight. There will be no stoppage. There will be no cards. There will be an end to the game at 8:15 and then I’m going face down in some Chicken Parm and bottomless breadsticks.”

Despite being reported to the Penn Men’s Over-30 Adult Soccer League, Smith continues to referee as supposedly the management of the league just really doesn’t give a shit.

“Ok, so let’s have a clean game and get this thing moving,” stated Smith to both sides as he whistled for play to start with Chipotle United only fielding 6 players due to traffic.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith ends up as the referee for the playoff game between Stefano’s and Chipotle after they both file a complaint against him.

Prominent Journalist Not Actually "Rose City Til I Die"

CHICAGO - Prominent soccer journalist Brent Adams stated unequivocally that he is not actually “Rose City Til I Die” despite using the RCTID hashtag to disseminate Timbers team information over the weekend.

“I’m not and frankly I resent the implication that I am not impartial,” stated Adams to his 20,000 Twitter followers. “I just don’t understand why THAT has to be the hashtag.”

Adams also stated for the record that he is additionally not “Eternal Blue Forever Green, Vamos Orlando, City Til I Die, For The City, Forever Orange, Save The Crew, For Glory For City, Dallas Til I Die, No Other Club, Massive, or Real Salt Lake Til I Die.”

“Id love to pass my columns and information on the team to the general public without appearing to be partial,” stated Adams to The Nutmeg News. “However, these team hashtags make me just look like any other fan. I mean, honestly…. Doop? Join or Die? I’m just trying to let people know the injury status of a player or a transfer rumor. Now everyone thinks that I’m partial to their team every time I tweet out a story.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Kansas City fan Henry Spooner who stated, “No, no one actually thinks that Brent Adams is a Sporting Kansas City fan. Unless that makes him mad, then yes… we ALL think he is a SKC fan.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams attempts to balance the need for clicks and eyeballs on his stories versus the disgust he feels tweeting things using team and supporter group hashtags.