Audi Player Index In Shop Again After Suffering Transmission Problem

The Audi Player Index is reportedly in the shop again after suffering a transmission problem prior to the New England Revolution and Orlando City game on Sunday evening.


“We tried to start it up, and get it on the broadcast and it just won’t go,” stated Major League Soccer (MLS) statistician and branding expert Hubert Genoa. “I don’t know what happened, but over the years we’ve been having more and more issues with the Audi Player Index so we finally just had to get it hauled off to the shop, again.”

Mechanics with the European Metrics and Motorsport Shop indicate that the problem is an incorrect tabulation that suppresses the “goals functionality”. The part will cost $4500 to replace and will need to be flown in from Audi headquarters in Ingolstadt, Germany. The labor to install the part will require at least 8 hours of work.

“We won’t be able to do any tabulation or data shifting until we replace this mechanism,” stated data expert Ralph Sosa. “The numbers just won’t make any sense. We can’t even get this thing out of the garage at this point.”

Sources within Major League Soccer indicate that this might be the last straw for the Audi Player Index as the unreliability of the metric finally upset the wrong persons at the league.

“All I know is that they were kicking the API and shouting at it. No one likes to get out to their Audi and find it dead, but here we are. I told them they should’ve gotten a Volvo Player Index, but no one listens to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Major League Soccer replaces their Audi with a Volkswagen and realizes that the numbers are all manipulated.